Birds of a Feather

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Thread: Birds of a Feather

  1. #1
    Sometimes Quiet Joltik's Avatar
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    Default Birds of a Feather

    Pokemon: Starly
    Difficulty: Simple, 5-10 K
    Total K: 7,402

    Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted a Chatot. I remember when I was five, and my father took me to a pet store, and I saw one in a widow. I fell in love with them. Their note shaped head, a tail shaped liked a metronome, and they had yellow and green chest feathers. They also had a red beak, and a fluffy white collar around their neck. The thing that really amazes me about them was their ability to mimic a person’s speech. I would watch in awe as the store owner would talk to the bird, and the bird would say the worlds right back. I would contently bother my mother and father about parrot like Pokemon. Our conversations whet like this: “Mommy Can I have a Chatot?” ”No,” “Please?” “No,” “I’ll be good forever!” “Sophia Lea Slece! You are not getting any bird or any Pokemon at all! You’re too young! And our house is too small!” This was true, I was only five, and I would be a poor care taker of any Pokemon to come my way. We lived in a small apartment, and mom always said that a Pokemon would make too much of a mess.



    Then one day my father got a new job, and we had to move. I was around seven. The moving made sad, as most people that have to move are. I missed my old friends, and my old home. I soon came to like my new home, and it was a nice place. We lived in a nice house, with a real back yard and everything. I made a few new friends, but the best part was the forest! There were so many different Pokemon there! Cherubis, Buizels, Sudowoodos, and best of all Chatots! I would go into the woods and listen to their calls, and their songs. One would start, and the others would all join in, one after another, until a lovely melody was formed. The forest was lovely all by its self, with huge trees, and a moss floor that would make little noises when it was walked on. The smell of wildflowers was lovely and common, and a large patch of them was a common picnic location.



    Then my ninth birthday came. I came home to find many different colored boxes. We had cake, Ice cream, and opened presents. I got a bike, some candy, batteries, and few new books. But my attention was on a yellow present, which looked strangely like a bird cage. After my friends left, my parents brought it over to me. I quickly ripped the wrapping paper off the cage; it was a bird cage, but not the bird I wanted. It was a little brownish-gray bird, with a white spot on its chest. It had a white face with black eyes, with the tip of its wings were black. It had yellow-orangey claws and a white feather in its tale. A small curl of feathers was on the top of its head. I felt the excitement drain out of my body. “Oh,” I dropped my arms to my side in disappointment “Her name is Star, She’s a Starly,” My father said “The Bird you wanted was too expensive, so we got you this one” He patted me on the back. I looked at the bird; it fluffed up its feathers and glared at me. I hade a feeling we would not get along.



    And I was right. I tried my best to take care of the thing, but it was rather hard. The thing would bite at my finger tips if I pressed them to the cage. It would make large gusts of wind for no reason, and would never eat when it was fed. I would have to leave the room before it would eat. The worst was its cry; I was loud and jagged sounding, at least to me it was. It was nothing like the lovely calls of the Chatot. One day I let the thing out of its cage. I was a disaster, the thing flew around like mad, bumping into things, using gust making the place a mess. Furious I caught the bird in my hands and took it to the window, which I opened and shoved the bird out. ”There,” I said”Get out of here” the bird, a little surprised at my action, took off. I told my father that the bird had flown away. I was sent to go and look for it. I didn’t look very hard for it. My father told me not to get too sad over it, and we left it at that.
    A few weeks had pasted, and I was going on one of my walks in the forest. It was a hot humid day, with the sun shinning down. The majorly of wildflowers were before bloom leaving only the smell of the sunflowers. I listened for the song of the Chatot, hoping to find a few. I had started to feed them, and was trying to befriend one. They seemed to like me, but none took my offer of coming home with me. I heard a large noise ahead of me, and something crying out in pain. It sounded like a bird I ran ahead, and found a clearing. There were three Sudowoodos, surrounding something. I moved closer to them, careful not to get too close. Sudowoodos were normally calm, and didn’t move much, unless you got then wet, and they became raging beasts. The stone trees seem to be using rock throw on what ever was in the center of their circle. That’s were the screams of pain was coming from. I could see the screamer, and I caught my breath when I saw who it was. It was a Starly, and I was sure that it was Star.


    I was worried about how to handle this; I didn’t like Star so, why did I feel a need to help it? Maybe I’m just a good person. I looked around for something, or someone to help me. I saw a few Chatots in the trees. I planned to ask them for help, but I stopped short before I got to them. There eyes seemed to be curved in a sneer, and they looked like they were laughing at Star, at her in pain. I turned around, with out thinking and pulled a stick out from a dead tree. I ran at the Rock throwers and hit one with a stick. It turned around, surprised that I had dared attack him. The hit only annoyed him, and his friend turned to face me. It wacked me with its arm and I flew a few feet back. The Sudowoodos satisfied that I would have learned that hitting them was bad, turned back to Star, only to see that nothing was there. She had taken the opening that my distraction made, and flew for it. They turned back to me, only to see that I was also gone, as I bolted as soon as I could stand.
    More weeks passed, I stopped going to the forest. The fact that the Chatots there laughed, when they could have helped save Star scared me. I spent my time reading, in my studies, or with friends. One day I was going home from a friend’s house, and decided to pass though the forest as a shortcut. It was getting dark so I quickened my pace. I didn’t see the large person that grabbed me. I screamed and kicked but to no avail. “Now settle down,” the man whispered in my ear “I’m just going to hold you until your father givers me some money, nothing personal, but you’re the first person to come down this pa-,” He was cut of as a large gust of wind slammed in to him. The man let me go, as he tried to swat his attacker. I ran like a pack of raged Houndooms were chasing me. The thing that had saved me, flew beside me, it was Star. We ran until we reached my house and ran inside. My father asked what the problem was, I told him about the attack, he told me to go to bed, which I did not seeing that Star had followed me.


    The next day I awoke to a gentle pecking on my face. “Stop that,” I muttered “I wanna sleep.” I open my eyes to find Star in my face, and my father sitting in a chair next to my bed “They caught your attacker,” my father said “The cops did, he will not be hurting anyone. Oh, and Star came back. I’m going to make some pancakes, I’ll call when there’re done” with that he left. I looked at Star, and petted her on the head “Starlys aren’t too bad after all,” I said “well you’re better then Chatots”

  2. #2
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Birds of a Feather

    Herro there.

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    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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  3. #3
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Birds of a Feather

    Feathers of Birds

    Hi again. I'm sorry this took so long. We had some ill family that we had to sort out.

    @PkmnSapphire;

    ---

    Intro: The thing I like about the intro to your story is that it brings up the topic or problem of the fic right away. It's good to establish who, what, and why right away, since that lets the reader know what's in store for them. This is good, and you do this right off the top. A little girl wants a Chatot. This leads into the problem that she can't have one because of various reasons.

    For Simple, this works very well. Shorter fics need to be more to the point, and you do that. You set up background, and that is exactly what was needed.

    One thing you might want to think about for future fics is more showing the reader what's happening instead of telling them. A lot of the beginning of the story summarizes what happens. That's okay, but sometimes showing what's currently happening adds depth to it. For example, you could've started off the story with the girl seeing a Chatot in the window or something, allowing you to show the readers why the girl liked them so much. Those are the things you described later, like their beatiful feathrs or how they mimicked other voices. Perhaps the shop owner could've been doing a demonstration. From there you could've had the discussion with her parents in real time.

    Just something to think about. I like your intro the way you have it, since it does what it's supposed to do.

    Plot: The plot in this one is fairly simple, and that's okay. I like stories that are small slices out of someone's life, and Simple mons fit that nicely.

    I think you did a good job displaying what a young girl like Sophia would've done upon getting a bird that wasn't the exact one she wanted. After putting up with its dislike, kids do act on emotion, so letting the bird out was realistic.

    I do wonder why all of the Pokemon were attacking the Starly, and that's not something that was really expanded on. Was it because the bird was mean to them like she had been to the girl? Was it because she wasn't one of the prettier birds? In a shorter fic like this, an explanation isn't completely necessary, but it could've helped develop some of the characters a little more. The girl could've wondered about it, the wild Pokemon could've been seen as more shallow, or the Starly's real nature might've been displayed more. For Simple, I don't mind this not being expanded on. If you go for some higher rank soon, perhaps think about little details like that, since sometimes they can really enhance a story and show different sides of characters.

    The only real thing I thought was shifty was the girl's attacker/would be kidnapper in the end. It served the purpose of showing that the Starly cared a bit more about the girl than she thought, but having him appear there with no prior warning made it seem a little bit forced. I think one of the other Pokemon, like the Sudowoodo (or even a Chatot, to further show how the girl is more accepting of Starly and more judgmental of the bird she used to like) would've fit better. Star could've still attacked to create the distraction, and it makes it a little more realistic.

    I liked it, though. It told the tale of two creatures getting along better and how appearances aren't always what they seem.

    Detail/Description: Like last time, you do Pokemon descriptions excellent, down to the finest details. I really like that, since I don't always remember what each Pokemon looks like exactly. It's great that you paint that image for readers. Your places are also very detailed. I especially liked your forest, since it gave off a peaceful vibe. Small details also helped, like how the girl liked when the birds sang together.

    I do wonder what the girl looked like, however. I know this fic didn't come out long after your last, and I believe I said the same thing about the main character in that story too. While I know Sophia's age, that doesn't tell me much about her. You give her details as far as her personality and actions go, but what did she like to wear? Is she a tomboy-dressing girl in jeans and t-shirts or does she like to wear skirts? Is her hair curled or straight? What color is it? It's hard to get personal looks in a first person point of view story, but it's still important to include some base things. Perhaps her hair was the same shade of yellow that the bird's beak was? Were here eyes the color of the Chatot's green chest feathers?

    Other than Sophia, you have detail down pat. Just keep in mind to talk about the people characters too, and you should be good to go.

    Grammar/Mechanics: Some areas were a little shaky here, but these things are easy to fix. I don't think anything here took away from the story. I will point out a few basic things. Like I mentioned before, this story and your last story came out pretty close together, so it just might be you haven’t' got to apply the other things yet.

    The first thing to look out for is just common spelling errors and missing punctuation. There were a few instances of this, and it's really easy to do. (For example, whet instead of went and missing periods at the end of some sentences.) These things are really easy to fix, and generally a little bit of proofreading catches these. I find that the best way to do this is not to proofread right after the story is done. Usually I wait a day or so (even though the urge to post it up as soon as it's done is strong), and then I look at it with fresh eyes. Better yet, you could as a friend to go over it with you. I do this a lot too. Your eyes sometimes trick your brain when you look at your own work because you know what it's supposed to say.

    Another thing to watch is run-on sentences and unneeded commas. For example, this is a run-on:
    I remember when I was five, and my father took me to a pet store, and I saw one in a widow.
    There are multiple sentences hooked together here. There are a couple ways to fix this, and the easiest one is to split it up. Another way is to reword. Something like this might be a little smoother:
    When I was five, my father took me to a pet store, and I saw one in a window.

    It doesn't have to be exactly like that. Remember that compound sentences with a comma are two sentences joined together, and both halves have a noun and a verb. You just added on another part this time. Run-ons are probably the most common grammar thing to come up. Just be sure to proofread carefully.

    Here is an example of an unneeded comma:
    I would go into the woods and listen to their calls, and their songs.
    If you're just naming two things, a comma isn't needed. You can simply take it out. Commas are always tricky. I think you might've thought you were joining two sentences here since you had 'and'. Just remember that you only need a comma to join two sentences if both parts have a noun and a verb. Like: She went to the park, and he went to the store.

    I also want to quickly mention dialogue. A new line or paragraph is created each time a new person speaks. This helps readers determine who is actually doing the talking. An example of this is when the girl receives the bird and her father tells her about it. When you make a new paragraph, this helps clarify.

    Other than that, there really isn't much more on this to talk about. Just make sure to proofread or ask someone else to look at it and you should be fine. Minimal things here.

    Length: Starly is Simple, giving you a goal range of 5-10k. I counted 7,418, so that's good to go.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: I don't really have anything major to mention here that I haven't already addressed in another section. Everything was pretty realistic for the environment you set up. I will point out that in general Pokemon names are plural by themselves, so they don't need an 's' on the end. It's sort of like sheep and fish. It can be both plural and singular.

    Result:
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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