Big adventure (Ready for grading)

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    Registered User blade of blackness's Avatar
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    Default Big adventure (Ready for grading)

    Chapter 1 the start of my big adventure


    Ready for grading
    Pokemon trying to capture: Bidoof
    Rank: Simple
    Target length: 5-10k
    Actual length: 8,607 characters.

    Before you start reading read the notice
    NOTICE:
    please comment on anything that could be improved or added please remember this is a working progress
    Attempting for bidoof
    Currant length 6,681

    I woke up one morning and i knew today my birthday (April 18Th). I got up and i slashed across the square twice with my linoone marker, causing a large black "X" to appear in front of the other seventeen. I put away the marker, and smiled as I stared at the calendar in over enjoyment. It was my birthday today, April eighteenth i reminded my self. I could now start my long pokémon journey; it would be though and hard long adventures were waiting for the world wide story known as Pokémon! I was so excited i did not know how i would get my first pokémon i got dress and headed down the stairs.

    My mum had a package in her hands I wondered what it was.
    She then said, happy birthday. I opened it; there was a Pokémon trainer bag in it. Inside was a Pokéball, five other Pokéball’s, and a Pokégear.

    Mum said it had a Radio, a map, and phoning. I put in my number (Mum's number).

    Then she got out another package she said it was from static. It was small i opened it.

    It Inside was a card saying happy birthday and a bicycle voucher too yes!

    Mum said; open the Pokéball, so I did. There was a flash of light, and then a Totodile popped out. It hugged my leg.

    I held it up and I said, I am going to call you, Toto.

    Totodile is a blue big jaw type pokémon that looked like a crocodile with red spikes on its back. Its main moves were water type moves that are its special. It was at its most basic stage it can evolve due to training so I knew training was important.

    Mum turned the lights off.

    She walked in singing happy birthday to you (repetitively).

    It's time to blow out your cake, said Mum.

    Okay, I replied. 5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp, the candles flickered and they were blown out. Poof they came on again; mum laughed and she said they were trick candles!

    Mum said make a wish and make it a good one.

    I did not require and thought in this the wish had to be to have big adventures with Toto and become a pokémon master!

    It’s on the morning April 19Th. It’s my first day of my pokémon adventure. I wondered how i should start my adventure around for what to do. I go out and i walk around my home town (twinleaf) a strong wind was blowing hard. Then i took out my pokéball and opened it boom a sudden flash of light came out. Toto started to run around me rapidly. I new i needed fight a pokémon because i had toto with me and he needed some training.

    So i went inside to tell mum where i was off to (route 202).I took out my totodile it looked at me expectantly and i new my adventure had begun. I started to walk in to route 201. I was just wondering what i could do and what I would see. I had a pokégear so i new i could phone if i needed any help this made me more comfortable. I walked on knowing that toto was bored and wanted some action soon.

    I then decided to train my totodile up to make it stronger and hope that soon it will evolve. I walked around in the grass for a few moments trying to spot some pokémon and i saw tall grass moving around.
    As i moved closer to it i heard noises and a starly jumped up and flew in to the sky

    I could not see it then dived down it was going to hit me.

    Toto shot out a water attack I knew it was water gun! It hit it with water it was angry, very angry the battle was on.

    Starly was a flying type pokémon with flying and normal moves as its speciality. It looked black, white and grey with a orange and black coloured beak.

    Starly moved quickly and used quick attack on toto.
    Toto avoided (wow what speed).
    Black (me) shouted counter with water gun! It hit its wing
    Starly fell down to the floor.
    Starly got straight back up and used agility
    Scratch I said Toto missed and starly peaked him as a counter
    Toto fell it got back up it used slash it hit in the face and starly fell to the floor.
    Starly got up and used wing attack toto was almost knocked out it looked like it gave up!
    Toto use bite i called
    Starly came in with a quick attack then toto used bite toto use bite starly fainted and fell to the floor with a bang.


    I had won and i knew it but toto was badly hurt I through his pokéball at him but he could not go in it. So was scarred was toto going to be ok? I picked him up and ran all the way home trying to avoid conflict. I got home and ran to mum she put toto on my bed and put water on him and healed him up; i was so happy toto was ok. Then it was evening and toto was better .It was time for tea today was berry day and tonight was berry pie Toto's and my favourite food. It was not long before we finished the lot and me and toto burped at the same time! We then went to bed. We went upstairs Toto went in to his bed mum made today and i went in mine.

    The next day dawned and it was time for a new day the sun shone bright and we were ready! We got up and had breakfast Toto had poké’Oates and i had cornflakes Yuk! I said by to mum and toto said tota tota and waved. Today was route 201 again training we hoped to get two battles in today. We ran in to the tall grass and saw a pokémon being hurt by two other pokémon a starly and another starly picked on kricketot i jumped in to it and toto hit them both with water gun then the charged at toto and kricketot hit them with uproar they went back the fight began.

    The two starly's used quick attack kricketot and toto where hurt but still standing.
    Toto used water gun
    Kricketot used uproar again
    One starly fainted
    The last starly used wing attack on toto it almost fainted
    Toto used water gun on it
    It fainted. Yes

    Then kricketot gave toto three berries and ran away. Toto gave them to me they were all Oran berries they would help heel toto if he was low on health.
    I decided to go to the next town i new that i wasn't that far away. I think that the towns name was Sandgem town ill check on the pokégear (looked at the pokégear's map) yup Sandgem town apparently that's where the professor is. Ill go see him apparently he is into detailed research in to pokémon. I walked to Sandgem town. I popped in to the local pokécentre and healed toto. I went to the lab i meet Rowan the pokémon professor in sinnoh. He gave out turtwig chimmchar and piplup to three other trainer's. Hello you must be black said Rowan. Yes I’ am i replied. Can i give you a pokédex said Rowan yes i said I've always wanted one. Black obtained the pokédex. You know how the pokédex work's don't you said Rowan yes i said good ill see you another time then. I stepped out side on to Sandgem town and i said ill go to the next route 202 and ill hopefully catch my first pokémon.

    So off i went in to route 202 it was like route 201 it was next to identical actuary. I was normally walking then a Shinx set off electric charges and some hit toto . Toto then hit it with water gun.
    Shinx used bite on toto
    Toto used ice fang
    Shinx feel straight away.

    I kept going and i encountered another starly
    Starly used brave bird
    Toto almost fainted but starly was hurt to
    Toto use water gun i shouted
    Toto used water gun critical hit
    Starly fainted.

    I decide to go back to Sandgem town and heal toto. The pokémon centre lady healed him straight away. I walked out of Sandgem town and static ran into route
    201; He’s always in a rush to get anywhere and everywhere. I went home to see mum and i said to her i’am going to sleep on route 202 tonight, so mum gave me the spare camping kit and i set off to the route. When i got there it was pitch black and toto helped me make the tent and we ate some Oran sandwiches that mum gave us then we where asleep.

    Then very next day i woke up we had breakfast and used up all of our supplies that mum gave us. We went out side and packed away the tent. We walked a bit and we saw bidoof being hit by three other pokémon (kricketot, starly and pidgey).
    i told toto to hit them with his water gun all three were hit the battle begun
    3on 2 could we do it?
    Bidoof used harden
    Toto used water gun it hit starly;
    Then water gun became powerful it turned in to hydro pump
    Starly fainted
    The other two ran away.

    I looked at toto in amazement how did he use hydro pump? But I then remembered bidoof i looked at him. He looked very hurt. I decided to travel the pokécentre in jubilee city he was healed. He was poking at my bag and pulled out a pokéball he gave it to me. Do you want me to catch you i said? Bidoof nodded.
    Here goes nothing.
    1...
    2...
    3...
    and poof bidoof was caught.
    Yes i shouted i grabbed the ball and held it up in to the air i caught me first pokémon. Toto called and danced we were both so happy my first catch yes! This was my first step in to my big adventure my pokémon world journey had only just begun!



    Finished please comment for anyway i could improve it.

    Ready for grading
    Pokemon trying to capture: Bidoof
    Rank: Simple
    Target length: 5-10k
    Actual length: 8,607 characters.

    This was ready to grade 20/04/10 i will pm a grader on the 27/04/10 to grade it.
    chapter 2 out when this is graded and finished
    next time on my big adventure
    i try to catch Pichu
    – Simple 5-10k
    Last edited by blade of blackness; 1st May 2010 at 07:42 AM. Reason: updated next story information
    my heart gold friend code is:
    1033 3707 4603
    My stat's page
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  2. #2
    Life In Your Time MagicTricksKill's Avatar
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    Default Re: Big adventure

    Quote Originally Posted by blade of blackness View Post
    Its morning april and iam looking around for what to do. I go out side to see what i should do. So i walk around my home town (twinleaf) and a guy runs up and bums in to me;i remembered whoo he was it was my rival static he seemed in a hurry he said hes off some where and room he's gone off. Then i had an idea why not start my pokemon journey static talked about it lots. I already had totodile my birthday present form mum so i knew that i could fight a pokemon i had three great balls to. So i went inside to tell mum where i was off to (route 202). I started to walk in to route 201 i was just wondering what i could do what i would see. I had a pokegear so i new i could phone if i needed any help.

    My friend... this is much, much to short for a Pokèmon.
    The minimum requirement is 3,000 for a "Easy" Pokèmon.
    Check out the sticky in this forum for a guide.
    Good luck :D

  3. #3
    Registered User blade of blackness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Big adventure

    i know it is a working progress

    edit: now its ready for grading
    when this has been graded ill start my next story
    Last edited by blade of blackness; 21st April 2010 at 11:30 AM. Reason: updated

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    Registered User blade of blackness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Big adventure (ready for grading)

    This is my first story who ever grades it please tell me how to improve of my next chapter(no:2) so that it is better. Thank you
    my heart gold friend code is:
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    Default Re: Big adventure (Ready for grading)

    This is mine. Back off.

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    Registered User blade of blackness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Big adventure (Ready for grading)

    someone plase grade this it is open to grade. Balognatania is not a grader i checked so someone else please grade this story.
    Last edited by blade of blackness; 30th April 2010 at 01:14 AM.
    my heart gold friend code is:
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    Default Re: Big adventure (Ready for grading)

    Claimed for Grading. :)

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    Default Re: Big adventure (Ready for grading)

    Introduction:
    Today my birthday April 18Th i came down the stairs and my mum had a package in her hands. She then said happy birthday.
    Since this is the beginning of a story that you've said will have several more parts, and because you're going for a Simple Pokemon, this introduction is fine. However, it lacks something that would not only draw in your readers, but would also get you higher marks in the Grading process. This "something" is a strong hook.

    Basically, a hook is an introduction that gets your readers interested in your story. It can include anything that you would think of as exciting that will eventually happen in your story. Typically, these introductions are action-oriented, showing some part of a battle that will happen in your story or happened just before the story begins. It can also show a piece of a tense moment of the story that occurs in the middle of the text; in this case, just as the part you're showing from the middle of the story gets exciting, you'd flash to the beginning of the story, and then show the readers how the story got to that point in the middle.

    These are general ideas for creating a strong hook, and a lot of it depends on how you word the hook. To word a hook correctly and make it strong, it takes practice. Experiment with different introductions in your writing in the future, using ideas that you think would excite your readers. With enough practice, you'll get the hang of writing strong hooks for your introductions.

    Like I said, though, this introduction is fine for a Simple Pokemon.

    Plot:
    The main character, Black, receives his first Pokemon for his eighteenth birthday, a Totodile. The next day, after being inspired by his rival Static, Black decides to go out to Route 202(?) to begin a Pokemon journey. Along the way, he encounters a Starly, and makes it faint after a battle. He then heads home for the day. After waking up at home, he decides to keep going. He meets with a Kricketot that is being abused by two other Pokemon, and helps it drive them off in a two-on-two battle; he is rewarded with some berries for his efforts. Afterwards, he goes farther than yesterday, making it to Sandgem Town. He meets with Professor Rowan, who gives him a Pokedex, before heading out to Route 202 to try to get even farther into his journey. He encounters a Shinx and a Starly on the way, and defeats them. After some healing, he returns to Route 202 to find a Bidoof being triple-teamed by some other Pokemon, and helps it to drive them off. It seems hurt, so Black decides to capture it and take it to a Pokemon Center.

    This is a pretty simple plot, not straying very much from the basic "beginning of the adventure" mold that lots of first-time writers use. Since you're going for something Simple this time, this type of story is fine; however, if you were to go for something more complex, you would definitely need to expand upon the plot and make it more original.

    Remember: you can do absolutely anything in these stories, so long as it relates to Pokemon. You're not bound to only having the Pokemon that normally appear on the Routes in the games show up; in fact, you're allowed to have anything show up at any time. Just give us a good reason if you have something like a Beldum show up out of nowhere in the future, all right?

    Overall, your plot is adequate for what you want to catch, but you'll want to mix it up when you go for something more complex.

    Dialogue:
    Aside from allowing your characters to communicate with each other, dialogue plays a very important role in your story: it shows your readers the personalities of your characters through their spoken words. From your story, I didn't really get a lot of feedback on the personality of your main character, Black, nor did I get an idea of what his Mother or Static were like. This is primarily because your dialogue was on the shallow side, and sounded generic to the point of being clichéd.

    This isn't something to be discouraged about, though. When you write dialogue for your characters, be sure to choose the kind of person you want your characters to be before you start writing it. For example, let's say you want Black to be a brash, confident young man. That's a good start. Now, begin writing the dialogue; every so often, stop writing and read your dialogue out loud. Think about what a brash and confident person sound like; does the dialogue show what kind of person you've decided Black is when you say it? If not, go back and edit the dialogue until you can say it and sound brash and confident (or whatever his personality is). Once that occurs, move on to some more dialogue, keeping that personality in mind.

    It's a slow process at first, and, like the creation of strong hooks, it takes some practice. But once you get the hang of it, you'll be able to show personalities for your characters much easier than before.

    Grammar:
    No offense, but there were a whole lot of grammar errors in this story. I think that the best way to show you what you were doing wrong is to correct an entire excerpt of the story with you and point out your errors to you. Before we get into that, I'd definitely recommend that you read this thread, as it points out many of the basics that you may have missed in your story.

    Okay, here's an excerpt from your story that I'll be correcting:

    Today my birthday April 18Th i came down the stairs and my mum had a package in her hands. She then said happy birthday. I opened it there was a pokémon trainer bag in it i opened it. Inside was a pokéball, five other pokéball's and a pokégear. Mum said it has radio, map and phoning. I've put my number (mum's number). Mum said open the pokéball so i did a flash of light a totodile popped out it hugged my leg. I held it up and i said i am going to call you toto. It's time to blow out your cake said mum. OK i replied.5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp the candles were blown out. I made a wish it was to have big adventures with toto.
    The first thing we want to do with this excerpt is separate the thoughts by double-spacing them. Whenever there's a new thought or line spoken by a character, I'll double-space it from the last thought. Note that this doesn't mean to press "Enter" twice every time you begin a new sentence; if the sentence changes topics from the sentence before it, you'd do so, but if not, it would continue the paragraph instead. Here's the double-spaced version:

    Today my birthday April 18Th i came down the stairs and my mum had a package in her hands.

    She then said happy birthday. I opened it there was a pokémon trainer bag in it i opened it. Inside was a pokéball, five other pokéball's and a pokégear.

    Mum said it has radio, map and phoning. I've put my number (mum's number).

    Mum said open the pokéball so i did a flash of light a totodile popped out it hugged my leg.

    I held it up and i said i am going to call you toto.

    It's time to blow out your cake said mum.

    OK i replied.5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp the candles were blown out. I made a wish it was to have big adventures with toto.
    Trust me, it will look better when we edit it some more. Let's keep going, then!

    When you've shown a complete thought, you should use a period or a semicolon (depending on the situation) to separate that thought from the other thoughts in that paragraph. Place a space between that sentence and the next one, and capitalize the letter that begins the next sentence when using a period, like so:

    Today my birthday April 18Th. I came down the stairs; my mum had a package in her hands.

    She then said happy birthday. I opened it; there was a pokémon trainer bag in it. Inside was a pokéball, five other pokéballs and a pokégear.

    Mum said it has radio, map and phoning. I've put my number (mum's number).

    Mum said open the pokéball so i did. A flash of light a totodile popped out. It hugged my leg.

    I held it up and i said i am going to call you toto.

    It's time to blow out your cake said mum.

    OK i replied. 5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp the candles were blown out. I made a wish it was to have big adventures with toto.
    Next, we add commas! Just like how I said that you should read your dialogue out loud, you should do the same for the rest of your story. If you come across a part of a sentence where you have to pause before you continue the sentence, place a comma there, if there isn't already a period or a semicolon. Let's add commas to this excerpt, and fix up the wording so that it fits with the new punctuation:

    Today was my birthday, April 18th. I came down the stairs; my Mum had a package in her hands.

    She then said, happy birthday. I opened it; there was a Pokémon trainer bag in it. Inside was a Pokéball, five other Pokéballs, and a Pokégear.

    Mum said it has radio, map, and phoning. I've put my number (Mum's number).

    Mum said, open the Pokéball, so I did. There was a flash of light, and then a Totodile popped out. It hugged my leg.

    I held it up and I said, I am going to call you, Toto.

    It's time to blow out your cake, said Mum.

    Okay, I replied. 5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp, the candles were blown out. I made a wish to have big adventures with Toto.
    Make sure you capitalize proper nouns, like "Mum", "Pokegear", and "Pokeball", as I did above.

    Next, let's talk tenses. You'll want to write your entire story in one tense, since jumping around makes it confusing to read. Here's that excerpt written in past-tense only:

    Today was my birthday, April 18th. I came down the stairs; my Mum had a package in her hands.

    She then said, happy birthday. I opened it; there was a Pokémon trainer bag in it. Inside was a Pokéball, five other Pokéballs, and a Pokégear.

    Mum said it had a radio, a map, and phoning. I put in my number (Mum's number).

    Mum said, open the Pokéball, so I did. There was a flash of light, and then a Totodile popped out. It hugged my leg.

    I held it up and I said, I am going to call you, Toto.

    It's time to blow out your cake, said Mum.

    Okay, I replied. 5...4...3...2...1... ppppppppp, the candles were blown out. I made a wish to have big adventures with Toto.
    Now, let's add some details, and take out words that don't need to be there. Details are very important to make your story interesting. I'll cover how to add those in the next section.

    Detail and Description:
    Picking up where we left off, here's that excerpt again. I added some details to it to make it more interesting to read, and to make it flow better overall, as well as moved some things around and cut some things to make it properly worded. Here it is:

    In one swift motion, I slashed across the square twice with a magic marker, causing a large black "X" to appear in front of the other seventeen. I put away the marker, and smiled as I stared at the calendar. It was my birthday today, April eighteenth. I pulled open the door to my room, and cheerfully headed downstairs to the living room, where my Mum was waiting with a package. It had my name on it, so it was obvious that it was her present to me.

    "Happy birthday," she said, as she handed the wrapped gift to me. I tore it open, and found a Pokemon trainer's bag inside of a beige box. Inside of the bag was a Pokéball, five other Pokeballs, and a PokeGear.

    "That PokeGear has a lot of features installed on it already," Mum explained. "I think the manual said it has a built-in telephone, a radio, and a map of the Sinnoh region." She then rummaged through the bag with me, removing the Pokeball and handing it to me while beaming brightly. "Why don't you see what Pokemon I got you?"

    As I threw the Pokeball into the air, it popped open, releasing a magnificent burst of red light. The light then took shape; powerful jaws took up the majority of the bluish figure's head, and its back was dotted with deep red spines that poked out in all directions. A beige patch appeared just above its toned legs and curled, webbed feet. As the Totodile's large eyes opened, revealing irises colored similarly to the spines, it looked up at me, and bounded over, hugging my leg tightly.

    "Now, what to name you?" I asked out loud, which got his attention. He looked up at me as I scooped him up from the floor. "How does Toto sound?" The Totodile opened its jaws in a wide grin; he was happy with the name.

    "I see you two are getting along just fine," Mum said, as she placed a large, frosted cake on the table nearby. "Why don't you both blow out the candles, honey?"

    "No problem!" I replied. As I stood in front of the tiny flames, watching them lick away at the candles, I inwardly made a wish, as was traditionally done at this point in the ceremony.

    I hope that Toto and I can go on a whole bunch of amazing adventures, I thought. I wouldn't tell a soul, so hopefully the wish would come true. I inhaled deeply, and Toto did the same; we waited a couple of seconds, and then, all at once, we blew as hard as we could.

    Whoosh! The flames flickering on top of the candles were smothered easily by our combined effort.
    Hmm...that sounds all right. As you can see, a lot of detail instantly makes a story sound much better.

    Here's a couple of notes for you. Whenever you want to show a thought, a sound, or place emphasis on a word, use italics, like I did up there. Make sure that all of your dialogue takes place in quotes. Whenever you write a number less than or equal to one-hundred, you must physically write the word out. Finally, try throwing a hook in there, like I did; I'm not too confident in how strong it was, but it was a start.

    As you can see, details can really make or break a story. When you're going for a Simple Pokemon, putting in a lot of detail isn't necessary; however, for more complex captures, you'll definitely want to put in lots of details so that the readers can visualize exactly what's going on in the story.

    Battle:
    There were a lot of battles here, but they all had a shared problem: they didn't have any details to back them up. Sure, you told us what attacks were going on, but you didn't describe how the Pokemon pulled the attacks off, nor did you get into too much detail about the effects of the attacks. This is definitely recommended in the future, since a good battle always earns high marks. Having a large number of battles isn't necessarily better than one detailed battle, so if you have to, cut out a couple of battles to allow you to describe the others better, using the suggestions I gave above when describing them.

    A final note I should mention: while you can say that you threw the Pokeball at the target and even state that the Ball rocked three times, you cannot say that the Pokemon was caught in any way during the story. This is strictly up to the Graders. In the future, write your story in such a way that you don't say what the outcome was, and leave that up to the Graders.

    Length:
    Bidoof is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 6,681 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    ...Ker-poof!

    Oh, no! The Pokemon broke free!

    I'm sorry to say that I didn't consider this story up to standards for you to catch that Bidoof. However, don't get discouraged! For this story, I'd say fixing up the grammar issues and adding details to the battles, using all of my above suggestions, would be enough to get you that Bidoof. I'd recommend using a Word processor for this, since it will point out the majority of your grammar errors for you. Also, edit out the part where you say that you capture the Pokemon. And of course, when you write in the future, use any and all of the suggestions I gave in all of the categories to make your adventures better!

    So take care of the grammar and put some details into the battles. After that, get my attention via PM, VM, or in the Chat and Feedback thread, and I'll reassess this story.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by Neighborhood-Guest; 1st May 2010 at 02:59 AM.

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