Betrayal (Ready for grading)

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Thread: Betrayal (Ready for grading)

  1. #1
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Betrayal (Ready for grading)

    Poison was flowing through the brains. Any second now, he'd die. Die with the life he so crudely led to poverty. Doing everything that was wrong, nothing that was right. It was his fault that this happen, and maybe now he could review his life. His life as a black haired demon.

    This man was born in the big city during the raids that would be marked in history books. It could be speculated that his whole bad life was based on when he was born, and when. The raids had started in another city, but soon their basis was the city. From that point, it spread to hit the whole region of Unova. Death tolls were larger than ever, and no one could think of how to stop it. Years later during the birth year of this evil person, the raids still rule much of the region.

    At three, after living a pretty much average life for a child of his generation, something about this person changed. Nobody could know what caused it, it just happened. A desire to do something far from right. A desire to do something horrid.

    What was this you ask? Well, a major trade of the area was its potato growing. The child, as sneaky as could be, snook into each farm, and put poison into one potato each. This was no regular poison though, no. It was the poison of a Venipede. A poison so strong it could kill ten people by just infecting one. If it could do that to humanity, what it could to their agriculture was an entire catastrophe.

    This event could be as major as the Great Potato Famine that happened in Ireland, a fictitious area put in a popular game series. No, it could be comparable to ten Great Potato Famines. The worst part though, was that the evildoer never actually was caught for his deed. No one would suspect a child, but the raiders were very much fair game. Within a year, hundreds of raiders were arrested, some even killed. This strengthened the raid farther than ever envisioned, and all because of a little, 'innocent' child.

    At age 10 then, he stole a car for the first time. Then at 15, he attempted his first murder. No one would suspect the 'innocent', brown haired boy though, no. Some truly innocent person would get in trouble, scratching their head at what had happened. No one ever realized the truth, and the child grew more and more corrupt. The result was the cold hearted man who was still never caught due to his apparent innocence.

    Graduating from college, the man even started a business. Based on fraud in actuality, the business itself had a facade as an ice cream shop. People flocked to the store, inspired by this man's 'good behavior' vibes that were sent to the children. While many children were adapting good behavior, some became just like the man in actuality, good apparently but bad in reality.

    The man never realized his talent though. Never realized it until that faithful day when he did it. When he killed the mayor of the town. Not only that, but he killed the mayor right in front of everyone's eyes. No one noticed either way, no one knew. There was no way he could have done that unnoticed, unless he had a power. A mystical power allowing him to do whatever he wanted without bad consequences.

    Upon realization, the man abused his power. Years passed, and he soon became the world's richest person, renowned everywhere for his 'skills'. Behind the scenes, his company was dealing several drugs, as well as making new ones. These drugs were nothing like the ones in fictitious games, no. They were ones that didn't give any happy thoughts, just pain. Lots of pain. No one would know why they purchased those drugs a couple minutes later. Heck, they probably wouldn't remember. The drugs erased memory, so that the bad things would be forgotten for future sales.

    Life was good for the man, until when he was 30. He was still the richest in the world, and corrupt as always, but now he wanted to do something else. A huge past-time of the world was battling, and he ever so desired to partake in it. Business though got in the way of that.

    One fateful day however, he got his chance. A mysterious man stopped by his door that day. His voice boomed, and he wore a brown hood to cover his face, having a brown robe cover the rest of his body.

    "I heard you wanted to battle?" They asked.

    "W-who are you?" The man responded. He was paranoid of how this man dressed and how they knew of this.

    "Why does it matter? If you want to battle, I'll give you a Pokémon to borrow and we can. Does that sound good?"

    "I g-guess."

    "Good." Reaching into his pocket with a smug look, the man pulled out an orb that was half ref and half white. In the center was a circle.

    "You know what to do with this right?"

    "I do indeed." Throwing the orb, what was reveled was a lizard-like creature. It had a zigzag going through its chest, and appeared to blend in with the environment.

    "That's a Kecleon," the hooded man proceeded to say. "It's pretty good at camouflaging, so don't be surprised if you can't find it.

    "I won't be," the man grumbled, clearly caught up in his own pride. "What will you send?"

    "You'll see. In fact, the time for that is now!" Throwing his own orb, his own creature was revealed. This one had a red head, with a puffy ring surrounding it. Behind it were small, green circular sections with red stubs sticking out of its back. A Venipede, a creature with a poison so strong it could kill ten people by just infecting one.

    "You see, my friend, I'm not just a human. I'm god, and I've seen your misuse of the gift. Gifts should be used for good, not bad, and now your life shall end due to its misuse." Finally, under that note, the Venipede squirted its acid at the man, infecting him. Any second now, he'd die, and be sent to the afterlife, where his life would be looked back upon.

    Maybe then, because of Venipede, he'd learn. Learn of the truth. Learn that a Venipede's poison isn't fatal. That poison can only kill a man if his spirit dies first. That his spirit was destroyed before his life. The life that basically started and ended with Venpiede. The life he so cruelly abused, the life he so eagerly betrayed.

    What am I going for? Venipede
    What is its story rank? Simple
    How many characters? 5K-10K needed, 6K in actuality.
    Other stuff? Well, this is a story I just wrote up in the moment. I don't really expect it to do well, but meh.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?

    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  2. #2
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    Chicago, Illinois

    Default Re: Betrayal (Ready for grading)

    Man is evil. Evil man manipulates people into buying his drugs that erase your memory, but uses his special power to do so. He then wants to get into the Pokémon battling scene and a mysterious man appears at his door that knows he wants to battle. The mystery-man gives him a Kecleon, then transforms into a Venipede.

    I feel like this plot would be better acquainted with a longer story, almost. As if it were missing bits and pieces that could have been filled in very simply. Maybe the pacing was off.

    Also it seems like you came up with the man’s “special ability” out of no where. At first people believed him because he had a good vibe, then all of the sudden he got this ability that no one knew about. I would have liked to know how he killed the mayor and why he even had to motivation do so, other than obviously being evil.

    Oh, but I do have to say; the way you began the story is really the reason why I even began to read it, let alone grade it. So good job on making someone uninterested in reading read AND grade your story. :p

    It was a fair enough plot for a simple ‘Mon, though. So good work!

    Grammar in the sense of punctuation was fine. However there were quite a few oddly structured sentences that I found, most of them just being too wordy.

    This one for example,
    While many children were adapting good behavior, some became just like the man in actuality, good apparently but bad in reality.
    This confused my little brain so much. I read it over and over. It would have been better to separate it into two sentences, I believe. Something like this “Many of the children who got ice cream at the shop were becoming well behaved. However some were becoming like the man, terrible at heart.” Or the sentence could be completely removed from the story, as it adds really no meaning and is pretty much unrelated.

    As well, I found you using adjective that weren’t needed whatsoever.

    For example:
    his company was dealing several drugs
    By making “drug” plural you implied that were more than one drug, which “several” does as well. So it’s not needed. I find that using unnecessary words make sentences/paragraphs not flow as well.

    Fine, it would’ve been nice if you did a little more though.

    You didn’t necessarily give any description to any character, but rather you gave description to the feeling of the story – which let me imagine what kind of world this took place in. But with that, I feel like it would have been nice to know any simple description of the man as he was the main focus and with his doubled faced-ness it would’ve been nice to see what he looked like on the outside, to understand why people would fall into his traps.

    As I said, you gave a good illustration of the feeling of the story and what the setting was, which makes it easier to see how the story is taking place and all that good stuff

    Since this is only a simple story the way you did describe the story was nice. So it’s fine here.

    There was no battle. Without a battle how can you hope to capture a Pokemon? It’s the most important part in capturing one! Since you’re a grader and (I assume) you’ve written more stories than this one, you need to get a battle in there! *I guess this has changed since I last graded, but it would've been nice to see one, as I say below.

    However, I can see the story as the entire "battle" for getting the Pokemon. But it would've been nice to see this guy attempt to battle, maybe finally finding something that he cannot abuse!

    This disappointed me, especially since you only got 1,000 characters over what is suggested. :[

    It was a unique story for a simple Pokemon, had some good detailing and there was a lack of any mistakes. However the fact that you did not have a battle was slightly disappointing. However, because the story was interesting: Venipede captured!
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 6th April 2011 at 05:41 PM. Reason: changed grade, etc


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