The Berry Thief (ready)

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  1. #1
    Registered User White Knight's Avatar
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    Default The Berry Thief (ready)

    The Berry Thief
    7231 characters without spaces, 8819 characters with spaces.
    Pokemon going for: Buizel


    The sweet aroma of Wacan Berries pervaded the air as I stepped outside, enjoying the fresh morning air. My short brown hair flopped in the air tickling my nose, making me look taller than usual. I wasn’t the biggest guy around; about 5’6, 140 pounds. However, the ladies in our area say my green eyes and kind heart make up for it. I stopped thinking about myself, looking around my surroundings.

    It was a beautiful day on the Bayer Brook Farm, where my family and I ship our fresh Berries to people all around Sinnoh. Our specialty was the Wacan Berry; its waxy exterior hid a sweet inside that was craved everywhere. I hopped off the porch, heading into the backyard; this was where we grew all the Berries. For my entire life I had awakened to these huge meadows, covered in trees of all different kinds. They were right next to a huge river, where my father would grab water to use around the house. These trees grew behind the battered ranch where we lived; it was a tough but honest lifestyle.

    On this particular day, I felt like having some Wacan Berries. Walking slowly towards the area that harbored these exquisite fruits, I gasped. More than half of the trees had been brought to the ground, their precious products gone. Water was strewn everywhere, and the fences had been knocked over.

    “Damn those kids! Haven’t they learned to stay away from here yet?” I remarked quietly to myself, sprinting back inside. My mother stood confused in the doorway as I bolted to my room, grabbing a Pokeball and my backpack. I wasn’t the best trainer ever, but hopefully I would teach these rascals a lesson.

    “What’s wrong?” she inquired, shouting up the staircase.

    “No time! Wacan Berry! Kids! Bye!” I exclaimed, darting out the door.

    Seeing my destination, I ran even faster. Our neighbors were fairly far away, about a half a mile. However, they always messed with our gardens, particularly our Wacan Berries. Although they had their own farm, nothing they grew was worthy in comparison to what we made. Finally reaching their house, I knocked on the door impatiently. A kind old woman answered me, looking quite surprised.

    “Why hello there, Ryan! What are you doing here?” she asked, unusually perplexed. “My boys just left to go to your house a while ago!” I was shocked, then knew what was going on. However, I couldn’t let her know what was going on.

    “Oh, we were playing a game of Manhunt and I was just wondering if they had stopped by. Thanks anyways Mrs. Casey!” I ran off before she could say anything, headed straight for the woods that divided our properties.

    I stepped into the forest, hearing the laughter of two people. Turning to my left, I saw my worst nightmare. The two boys were giggling in the woods, jumping around in some strange state of ectasy. Alex and Tom Casey were huge brats; they always invaded our land, cutting through these woods. However, I wasn’t going to let them get away with it.
    “You two!” I shouted, startling them as I approached.
    “Ryan? What are you doing here?” they asked, seeming actually confused. “You know why I’m here. We’re solving this with a Pokemon battle.” I retorted, not believing a single word.

    “No, I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about…” Alex replied, taking the lead. He was the older of the two, just about 14. “Fine. Let’s battle first and settle this later.” I replied, throwing my Pokeball in the air. My Bulbasaur, Vienna, burst out of her ball, looking rather angry. The seed on her back twisted violently as she growled, shaking her paws. Alex reached for his pocket when his brother jumped in front of him, releasing his Pokemon instead.”Tom! What are you doing!” Alex said, honestly surprised. “I wanna show this punk up!” he replied, making me scoff in disgust. However, when I turned around I wasn’t so sure. A brown beaver-like Pokemon emerged, scraping its huge buck teeth against the ground. This was going to be a good fight. However, before we could even do anything Alex stopped us both.

    “Just tell me what’s going on first, and then you can fight. “he said, rather diplomatically. No doubt his brother wasn’t the greatest battler, and he was simply saving him. “You two killed all of our Wacan Berries! I saw it with my own eyes!”

    “I..don’t know what you’re talking about. Seriously.” he said, scratching his head.
    “Wait, what??!?!?” I exclaimed, as he seemed truthful. “If you weren’t the person trashing our farm, then who was?” I asked, now completely confused. “ I have no idea. Happy now?” Alex retorted, grabbing his brother.

    “C’mon Tom, we don’t wanna have Mom find out we were never at Ryan’s house…” the duo took off as I sat alone in the woods, not sure entirely what was going on. I returned home, walking slowly with Vienna at my side. She seemed disappointed because she didn’t get to fight, but she would get over it. I stepped back into the front door, taking my shoes off as I did so.

    “Mom, I’m home!” I cried, bringing Vienna back into her Pokeball. She came into the hallway, looking rather cross.

    “I just got a very interesting call from Mrs. Casey...do you have friends over without permission?” she said, not looking happy. “No Mom, I really don’t. Can I go now?” I said tiredly.

    “NO!” she screamed, totally out of character. “GO UP TO YOUR ROOM. NO DINNER, NO POKEMON, NO NOTHING. MARCH!” she commanded, and only out of fear did I obey. After that, with absolute nothing left to do, I went back to bed.

    I awoke bright and early the next morning, the day even more beautiful than the last. Yawning loudly, I fumbled down the stairs to grab a bite to eat. However, just as I opened the fridge a huge “BANG!” came from outside. Leaving the fridge open, I grabbed Vienna’s ball and ran outside. Jumping over sprouts, I came to the Wacan Berry field to find an orange weasel leaped out of the river to hit our fence, trying to get into the meadow. It was covered in water, with cream-colored paws and a very powerful-looking tail. I knew I had seen them before in school, but only in textbooks. If I remembered correctly, they were called Buizels, and they were fierce opponents. Another loud noise brought me out of my thinking as the Buizel charged at the fence, now out of the water.

    “I have to stop it!” I thought before I threw Vienna’s ball high in the air, letting her out with a fierce screech. Buizel turned around and saw his grass type opponent, not looking too impressed.

    “Vienna! Go for a Vine Whip, then use Poisonpowder!” she listened eagerly, then began to carry out her moves. Two tentacles of plant matter burst out of her seed, looking rather menacing. They began to move towards the water pokemon, who looked rather confused. However, the vines began to perform their true actions. Buizel yelped before he was smacked in the gut, taking serious damage. He was thrown back, but got back up soon after, looking ready for revenge. Buizel leaped in the air, then slashed its tail forward. A wave of sonic energy flew off it, headed straight for Vienna. She tried to move, but she was already too late. It hit her head on, causing her to fly backwards into a Berry tree.

    “No! Vienna!” I cried. She got back up, looking rather worn. “Don’t give up yet! Use Poisonpowder!” the grass type began to charge up her toxins, but before she could release it I knew what would happen.

    “Stop! Don’t let the poison spread to the trees!” Vienna heard my command, and stopped her poison. The acrid smell of the stuff stayed in the air, but I was fairly sure that it hadn't yet reached the fruit. However, Buizel took this as a perfect time to strike. He jumped in the air, covering himself in a shield of water. Using his tail, the orange weasel propelled himself towards Vienna in a killer blow. He smacked her in the face, sending her into my arms with an audible "oof!". I plopped her back on the ground, looking fine. However, Buizel wasn’t looking as good. The poisons sealed in the Bulbasaur’s body had been sent into him when he hit her, and it was already spreading around him. He fell to the ground, close to the end.

    “Finish this up! Take Down!” I called, and Vienna smiled devilishly. She charged towards him quickly, deftly dodging the trees around her. She jumped in the air, soaring high over Buizel before she landed on top of him, causing some real pain. He got back up to his feet, but he knew it was over. In a desperate last attempt , he shot out a tightly condensed blast of water,knocking Vienna into a fence. Despite her type advantage, she was too tired to continue. Vienna fell to the ground at the same time as he did, ending the battle in a tie.

    “…what now?” I said, but my father quickly answered that question. He came in with a huge net, wrapping the Buizel up. “What are you doing!?!?” I exclaimed. He looked at me, then spoke in his usual gruff tone.

    “This thing has been hurting our business! How can you expect me to allow you to keep it?” I sighed; it was a valiant fighter, and I had spent a long time battling it.

    “Please? I know I’ll take good care of it. Just give me this one chance…”
    Last edited by White Knight; 5th November 2011 at 09:08 AM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Berry Thief (ready)

    Introduction: Short story means short introduction. You want to get that information out there and do it in condensed manner. You did two things right here, you introduced the main character and what he looked like, and you introduced what path the story is going to follow.

    The story revolves around a Pokemon stealing berries, so by talking about how the main character’s family owns a berry shop you are conveying your intent to the reader. While it’s not particularly complex or exciting you are going for a low tiered mon and don’t need some hard storyline.

    Overall one of the better introduction I’ve seen in short stories. Continue that kind of opening and you shouldn’t have too many problems.


    Plot: I usually despise short stories because I love the intracasies of plots, but I found myself liking the simplicity of yours. Instead of just having you character wander through the woods or something and finding the Buizel you actually added a few extra that made the story interesting. You achieved this by having the story take place on a Berry farm where the main character is protecting the family’s crop. You also had the confrontation with the neighbors that showed how the main character was jumping to conclusions. Very simple, but it worked easily enough. The one problem I did have is here:

    “NO!” she screamed, totally out of character. “GO UP TO YOUR ROOM. NO DINNER, NO POKEMON, NO NOTHING. MARCH!” she commanded, and only out of fear did I obey. After that, with absolute nothing left to do, I went back to bed.
    Having this paragraph in itself it perfectly fine, but what makes it weird is that you say it’s out of character with the mother, but you provided no explanation. When you say something is out of the norm you need to explain why or else it seems out of place with the rest of the story.

    Finally, the battle between the Buizel and Bulbasaur was done good. You described the attacks readily enough and you had the Pokemon have a back and forth battle without God-modding the thing. It wasn’t long, and I don’t expect to be with these two Pokemon, but remember for higher captures: if you use a stronger Pokemon that battle standards raise in terms of length, combos, and originality.


    Grammar: No real grammatical errors that I spotted. You do have one problem that needs to be corrected and I’ve put the problem plus solutions below. Oh, and you had one misspelled word, so run it through a spell check and solve that problem next time.

    I stepped into the forest, hearing the laughter of two people. Turning to my left, I saw my worst nightmare. The two boys were giggling in the woods, jumping around in some strange state of {ectasy}. Alex and Tom Casey were huge brats; they always invaded our land, cutting through these woods. However, I wasn’t going to let them get away with it.
    {}
    “You two!” I shouted, startling them as I approached.
    {}
    “Ryan? What are you doing here?” they asked, seeming actually confused.
    {}
    “You know why I’m here. We’re solving this with a Pokemon battle.” I retorted, not believing a single word.
    You need spaces here to separate the paragraphs because you are having different people talk. It helps the reader know who is talking. You did this multiple times during the story when people were communicating and this is a bad thing. I’ll show one more example just to be clear.

    “No, I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about…” Alex replied, taking the lead. He was the older of the two, just about 14.
    {}
    “Fine. Let’s battle first and settle this later.” I replied, throwing my Pokeball in the air. My Bulbasaur, Vienna, burst out of her ball, looking rather angry. The seed on her back twisted violently as she growled, shaking her paws.
    {}
    Alex reached for his pocket when his brother jumped in front of him, releasing his Pokemon instead. {}”Tom! What are you doing!” Alex said, honestly surprised.
    {}
    “I wanna show this punk up!” he replied, making me scoff in disgust. However, when I turned around I wasn’t so sure. A brown beaver-like Pokemon emerged, scraping its huge buck teeth against the ground. This was going to be a good fight. However, before we could even do anything Alex stopped us both.
    Jumping over sprouts, I came to the Wacan Berry field to find an orange weasel {leaped} out of the river to hit our fence, trying to get into the meadow.
    ~ You need to change this verb because it’s a different tense than the other words in the sentence. Because the paragraph is present you should change it to ‘leaping’ or something along those lines.


    Detail: Done. You described all the important things: characters, Pokemon, Pokemon attacks, and the surroundings. I’ll give examples of each so you know what to continue with in your stories:

    Jumping over sprouts, I came to the Wacan Berry field to find an orange weasel leaped out of the river to hit our fence, trying to get into the meadow. It was covered in water, with cream-colored paws and a very powerful-looking tail.
    Buizel yelped before he was smacked in the gut, taking serious damage. He was thrown back, but got back up soon after, looking ready for revenge. Buizel leaped in the air, then slashed its tail forward. A wave of sonic energy flew off it, headed straight for Vienna.
    My short brown hair flopped in the air tickling my nose, making me look taller than usual. I wasn’t the biggest guy around; about 5’6, 140 pounds. However, the ladies in our area say my green eyes and kind heart make up for it. I stopped thinking about myself, looking around my surroundings.
    The second paragraph of the story is also quite good because you detailed the farm and the surrounding area.

    For your next story, you can work on word choice for description and trying to incorporate the senses in your stories. For word swapping, this means switching out red for something like crimson azure or blue for pthalo blue.

    In terms of the senses that included: sight, smell, tough, taste, and hearing. It can be tough to have them all in the story, but it can be done and when done it usually adds an extra dimension to the story.


    Length: Buizel


    Overall:
    .

    @White Knight
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 15th November 2011 at 04:20 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3
    Registered User White Knight's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Berry Thief (ready)

    Thanks for the grade, I'll keep this in mind for my next story~

    (which I happen to be writing about right now, it's very...err...Dora-esqe?)

    Thanks Pokemon Trainer Sarah!

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