Thread: Beginnings

Beginnings

Part two of another boring day




Its been 20 days since Ms. Nerine gave me Lotad, and I have to say in these last few days I have had more fun then ever before. Now mom did want to know were I got the Pokemon but all I told her was I found the little guy when I was out, and a trainer I run into gave me a pokeball to hold it in, I know the big question did she buy it? no but that was the story I was sticking too.

So after a few day mom let it go the main reason, I was no longer fighting with Johnny and that made her happy but that does not mean the were no problem, the first time Johnny’s little brats saw my Pokemon they did nothing but bug him and my mom because it was not fair that I got a Pokemon and they didn’t. And that started the first fight and I am proud to say I won that battle it was not that hard to do since I was not fighting with Johnny, and my mom was not about to screw that up and so I got to keep my Lotad. Now I have to knock out Lucy a few times becaus she could not learn that what mine is just mine not her’s just mine, and after a few beating’s she finally got the message. But the best part was my berthday was in 9 hours, and then I was free at last.

Today is my Birthday I am now free at last but since my mom wanted to spend the day with me I called Ms. Nerine and told her I would be a day or two, that way my mom could enjoy some time with me before I left. I had most my things pack and mom didn’t know anything, pluse I am keeping my room locked down no one in but me that way when I do leave no one will see it coming, so a few more days here would not kill me.

So I spent the next two days with my mom, we went out to lunch, saw movie, and sky diving to end the day. I’ll tell you what there nothing better the jumping out a airplane at 40.000 feet boy that’s fun man just fun, and so after two days of fun with me and mom.

It was the next day I got up went into the bathroom, and brushed my teeth and white hair. Once I was done I walked back into my bedroom, and put on a white shirt and black pants, and my brown boots I looked good. I grabbed my belt and put my Pokeball on it and I was ready.

It was now time for me to go I got all stuff and left when mom and Johhny left to work, and all his kids were at school I was done with it and no I didn’t go to my graduation all the other high school kids did, but not me I see no reason to go so I had them send me my diploma in the mail.

I finished packing what little thing I had. Then took them all outside and waited for Ms. Nerine to pick me up, I didn’t wait long before she pulled up in her blue SUV I put my things in it. Then I went back to my house and locked the door and made sure all the windows were locked as well, once that was done I got into the car and we left. I was finally free no more Johnny or his brats bothering me, and what about my mom well after I cleaned my room, I did all the dish’s and cleaned the bathroom, then I left her a note saying I was moving out and I would call her when I got settled in tonight. I knew she would be hurt but it would not be that bad she is a strong woman so I worry about her.

The ride to Ms.Nerine’s house was quiet but not the weird quiet it was peaceful and I enjoyed it, then it all came to a stop as we pulled up to Ms.Nerine’s house and it was a good looking house, not to big but she does live by her self. The house was white with a small yard and a flower bed which ran all the way up the driveway, the grass was nice and green plus there was a small creak which ran on the side of her house. After enjoying a good look around I got all my stuff and took in into Ms. Nerine’s house the inside was nice looking as well, the walls were a light navy blue she had white carpet but too tell you the truth it look like no one lived in this house, and if I had to guess I would say not to many people came to see her. I didn’t want to say that so I went down the hall made a left and into my new room, and it was bigger the my old one I liked it so I started to unpack my things it didn’t take long before I was done. I made sure every thing was in order then I left out my room and in to the kitchen were Ms. Nerine was I got some water, and then she asked me to came with her so I did.

We walked down hall and into her room there was a box on her bed, I walked over and sat down next to her then she started to talk.

“Okay Mark, I have here a starter kit for new Pokemon trainers like you, it has five Pokeball’s a potion, Pokedex, which are all the things you need to get started.”

She had a smile on her face I could this made her really happy.

“Thank you so much Nerine, I would not be able to do this without you and I want to let you I appreciate it.”

“Its no problem Mark, I too am a Pokemon trainer so think of it as one trainer helping another trainer, now tell me how Lotad is doing?”

“Lotad is great I have been practicing with it a lot, but we have not found any Pokemon to battle.”

“Well if you want to battle you are going to need more Pokemon once you are settled in you should go to the park and look for some Pokemon. But wait untill the sun goes down most Pokemon don’t came out untill night because of all the people in the park. Once you get another Pokemon, you should go to the Pokemon trainer school I teach there as well so you should think about it”

“If you think its a good idea Nerine, then I will go as long as it help me as a trainer.”

“Well I glad to here that, anyways I have things I must do so I’m going to leave here is a key to the house the phone is in the kitchen, and you know were the food is right?”

“Right, I’ll see you later.”

“Okay bye.”

Nerine left and I had the house to my self the question was what am I going to do first, that was easy call mom so I left out the room and into the kitchen were the phone was. I pick it up dialed her number and waited, the phone ringed twice before I got a answer.

“Hello!”

“Hello is Scarlett, there?”

“Yes who my I ask is calling?”

“This is Tiberius, I’m a friend.”

“Okay give me one second.”

I had to lie I knew that voice anywhere, it was Lucy and if I told her it was me she would not have got mom. Puls mom would know it was me because my dad called me Tiberius when I was a small kid, so it was a good code name.

“Hello Mark.”

“Hi mom.”

“I was wondering when you were going to call me.”

“Well I wanted to get all my stuff unpacked before I did.”

“So were are you?”

“Why do you want to know.”

“Well so I can come see you, and I want to see this new place you have.”

I could tell she was lieing by the ton of her voice, and I knew what she wanted to do I was not stupid if I told her were I was she would strangle me, so I thought it would be best to let her cool off, and never tell her were I am if she wanted to see me I would go over there or we could meet.

“Well I have to say I’m not all unpack and its a little messy, so why don’t I meet you?”

“That’s fine meet me at the Poke’Mart in a half hour.”

“Will do see you then mom.”

“Good bye son.”

I hanged up the phone and got my pokemon I knew I would need help if she attack me, so Lotad would be a nice back up if that happened, I got my things and left out. Now Nerine lived in the city near the school but not to close in fact she lived close to a lot of thing the Poke’mart, and the Pokemon training school, and the Daycare center, so a walk down to the Poke’mart was not all bad and it would take me ten minutes to get there that’s good timing.


I got there and mom was not there yet, so I waited for her and the front door of the Mart. It was not long before I saw her car pull up and park I was a little nervous at first, but this was my mom I could handle it any day. She got out her car walked over to the door she didn’t see me until she walked in and then she flashed me a smile, I didn’t know if I should run or stay but before I could do anything she walked right up to me and gave me a big hug, I knew a talk was right around the corner.

“I was so worried about you Mark, I had the poilce looking for I mean you just take off and not say anything?”

“What are you talking about? I left a letter on the refrigerator saying I found a place but I had to move in today or I could not have it, so I packed up my stuff and off I went. I said I would call when I got in,” I didn’t get it I left the letter on the Refrigerator so why didn’t she get?

“Well Mark, I don’t know what happen too the letter, but why didn’t you tell me you were looking for a place to stay I could have helped you out”

I felt so bad lieing to her, then I realized mom was doing it on purpose she knew I was lieing to her which means she knows were I am staying, but how did she find out Nerine didn’t tell I didn’t tell. Damn she is good.

“Okay mom, spit it out how did you find out?”

“What are you talking about Mark?”

“Do I look stupid too you how did you find were I was”

A evil frown slipped across her face like a snake in the grass, then she replied.

“Well I might have gone by Nerine’s, house today on my way home and seen you unpacking your stuff, so would you like to change your story?”

“Like I have a choice now! anyways you want the truth here it is. I can’t stand that house anymore I loved it back when it was just us as a family, but now we got Johnny, and his kids which I don’t like and you know what I’m not going to take there crap anymore, so yes I left and no I’m not staying there for the rest of my life I’m going to the Pokemon training school, and I’m going to learn about Pokemon then I leaving. I’m going to travel the world and be the best trainer that ever lived and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.”

“You know you’re just like your father Mark, he too was a Pokemon trainer and he was Champion Of The Elite Four, so if you wanted to leave I would have said yes I just don’t see why you had to lie?”

“Well I figured you would say no and then we would have a big fight, and we would say stuff we didn’t mean, and destroy our relationship and I didn’t want that so I wrote you a letter and left”

“Well I don’t know about all that, but I would not have been mad you’re my son I’m glad you want to be a trainer, and you can come home any time you want. But if you want to stay with Nerine, that’s fine to as long as you are happy its fine.”

Boy I felt like a** hole lieing too her and all this time she didn’t mind I should have guess that from the start, but I didn’t and now I look like a fool but I glad she is not mad at me.

“So what do you want to do now mom?”

“Well we are at the Mart and you are going to need a water stone, so why not buy one I’ll get it for you since you don’t have a lot of money.”

This was great I got a water stone and went out with mom I was having a good day and it was coming to the end, mom left and went home. Me I went to the park to get some Pokemon. I got to the park and it was dark already I didn’t know what Pokemon I would find, so I waited untill I would fine one. I was out there for a hour and I was ready to go home when I heard a sound, I looked around but didn’t fine anything but I could still hear the sound it was like someone was crying.

I walked out too fine who ever was making this sound, but there was no one in the Park so there was a echo it was to hard for me so I called out Lotad to fine the cry. He looked around for a minute then took off I followed him across the Park, then he stopped at a bush and that were the sound was coming from I walked behind it to fine a Pokemon it was brown and had a skull on its head with a bone in its hand. The little thing was stitting down crying. I took out my Pokedex to see what Pokemon it was, it took a second for it to pop on the dex.

Cubone the lonely Pokemon. It wears the skull of its dead mother on its head. When it becomes lonesome, it is said to cry loudly.

Well now I know why it is doing it, and now its time to get me a Pokemon.

“Okay Lotad, use your Water Gun attack!”

Lotad opened up its mouth and let out a burst of water, it hit Cubone in the face. and I don’t think it liked it Cubone got and threw the bone at Lotad it whistled through the air and hit Lotad. Lotad went sailing through the air and hit a tree.

This was bad Cubone was pissed off. The little Pokemon raised the bone it was holding, pulling its arm back before whipping it forward and releasing the weapon with a surprising amount of force. The bone whistled through the air, spinning so fast it was an ivory blur, and hit Lotad in the face.

“Latad!”

The cry of my Pokemon echoed through the Park. I looked over to Lotad, he had fainted my pour Pokemon, I was full with rage. I looked down at my foot to see a stone, I picked it up and threw it at Cubone. The rock sailed into the air and smashed into the head of cubone. The ground Pokemon made not a sound, it looked at me for a second then, fainted on its back.

I took out a Pokeball then threw it at Cubone, the ball opened up and a red beam came from within it and sucked in Cubone. The ball wiggled twice, before the center of it flashed red. I had caught Cubone, but now I had to get my Lotad I walked over to him and retuned him to his Pokeball. I then started to run to the Pokemon center, I was not far from it so my Pokemon could make it. I ran for about 12 minutes before I got to the Pokemon center, I ran in through the front doors and up to the desk.

Hello how my I help,” Said the nurse.

“I need help both my Pokemon have fainted!”

“Okay calm down and take a deep breath, I need the Pokeball so I can put then into the rejuvenation chamber.”

I took out there Pokeballs and handed them over the nurse. She took them into the back, then can out a few minutes later.

“Come here young man.”

I walked over to the nurse to here what she had to say.

“I have some good news you’re Cubone is back to full health, but your Lotad is going to have to stay over night, he’s in bad shape right now. But will be fine in the morning,” The nurse handed over Cubone’s Pokeball to me the left into the back room.

I walked over and sat down on a chair, I looked to right and a kid was walking over to me. He walked right up and sat down next to me, then started to talk.

“Hello!”

“Hi.”

“My name is D’Artagnan, what is yours?”

“Mark nice tio meet you,” I reached over and shook his hand.

“Well Mark, I could not help but here you have a Cubone yes?”

“Well yes I just got it tonight why?”

“Because I have been look for one for over a year, and I have no luck so would you trade Pokemon with me please?”

“What Pokemon do you want to trade?”

I have a Ice and Ground Pokeon called Swinub, he is brown and had a pig noise, plus has a lot of hair all over its body.”

“Well I don’t see why we can’t, so sure I will.”

“Great! thanks so much I will go and get the nurse.”

D’Artagnan ran off to get the nurse he was really happy, it didn’t take long for his to get back. I got up and followed him and the nurse to the back room, we walked in and sat down the nurse asked if I wanted to trade my Cubone, for D’Artgnan’s Swinub. I told her yes then we both took out our Pokeballm and sat them in a hole in front of us. the nurse pushed a button on the side of the table, and the hole which the balls were on opened and the Pokeballs fell in.

In a blink of a eye both Pokeball were switched then lifed back up I took my new one and so did D’Artgnan. we both walked out the room, and back into the waiting room. D’Artgnan call out to me, “Thanks for the Cubone Mark!” I gave him a nod then walked back over to my chair and went to sleep.

Pokemon Going for = Swinub
CC Needed 10,000 - 20,000
My CC 15,363

Grade commencing...

Plot

Honestly, there was not all that much to it. A boy leaves his mom to go live with another woman who then gives Mark some kind of Pokemon starter kit to help him begin his Pokemon training career. Fine for a medium Pokemon such as Swinub. But in the future when you write make sure you get more creative with the plot. The basic plot of trainer finds Pokemon, etc. really wears out after a while, unless you can throw in some kind of fun twist.

I would have also liked to see more substance to the plot. It is fine to be basic, but you need to at least have something happen. For the most part, in this story, nothing happened. Everything seems to randomly happen, the only thing that really had a causation was Mark leaving his mother's house to go live with Nicrene to get help with becoming a Pokemon trainer. But even that is sort of a long shot in being a cause for him leaving his mother. Maybe, for instance, if his mother for some reason did not support his Pokemon career and he went to Nicrene to be supported. Or something along those lines; to help the story be more streamline. It especially felt as if the person who came to trade with Mark just magically appeared to trade Swinub, without reason.

Also. Do not forget that you can make the characters feel real. They don't just have to be fake story characters. Make them feel real. Make them feel emotion filled. The only thing that your character seemed to fill was a tiny ounce of anger. But even then, that emotion was retracted just like that. Your characters should develop throughout the story, change a little bit, because of what they encounter throughout the story.

Grammar:

Unfortunately, there were a lot of errors here. You had way too many typos. If there is one thing that you should do after you write anything at all that one thing would be proofreading to get rid of those annoying typos. If there are only just a few typos here and there that is fine, but there were far too many here for you to have proofread and just missed out on them. So make sure you fix that. There are also a few other things that I would like to point out that you did wrong. I've seen you use good grammar on AIM, I'm not really sure what was going on here.

After enjoying a good look around I got all my stuff and took in into Ms. Nerine’s house the inside was nice looking as well, the walls were a light navy blue she had white carpet but too tell you the truth it look like no one lived in this house, and if I had to guess I would say not to many people came to see her.

First of all, you had a lot of these. Run-on sentences that is. You put so many thoughts into one sentence that it just looks like a mess. You need to split this up into something like this:

After enjoying a good look around I got all my stuff and took them in into Ms. Nerine’s house. The inside was nice looking: the walls were a light navy blue, she had white carpet but to tell you the truth it look like no one lived in this house. If I had to guess I would say not to many people came to see her.

Don't be afraid to use all kinds of punctuation! Commas, periods, colons and semi-colons are your best friend for constructing sentences.

“Okay Mark, I have here a starter kit for new Pokemon trainers...

Second is the lack of commas when people are speaking to another person. You need a comma before and after the name. You got the after comma correctly this time, but not the one before. So you would need it to be "Okay, Mark, I have here a starter...

I did all the dish’s and cleaned the bathroom

I assume you know this but just in case - apostrophe 's' is a possessive, while what you are looking for is 'dishes' the plural of 'dish'.

There were a few other minor things that aren't really necessary to point out. The things I pointed out were things that you did a few times or more, especially the run-on sentences. Unfortunately, those run-ons really did take away from your story. :[ Brush up on your grammar a little! There's a thread in the story section that lists of a whole lot of common mistakes that could help you out!

Length:

I have a bit of a problem here. Not with how long it was, but how you got that length. You used a whole bunch of dialogue, which made the story really lack any kind of 'meat'. It ended up being a bunch of dialogue stuck together. This mostly led the there being little to no plot, which is why I was a bit harsh in judging your plot up there. But you really should not have the most of your character count coming from just people talking back and forth because then you end up not having any plot at all which then leads to you having a generally boring story. Which is unfortunate.

Details

Not a whole lot going on here. You did a few things well. You got what Mark was dressed in and a bit of Ms. Nicrene's home. But apart from that stuff, you really lacked any kind of description. You told me what kind of Pokemon Cubone was, but you did not tell me what Cubone looked like. I know, we play a Pokemon game, but pretend as if the reader has never seen anything in the world before, especially Pokemon. It would've been cool if you could tell me Cubone was like...

"A miniature dinosaur Pokemon with a hard slightly cracked white skull covering its face, holding a bone in its hand which it used as a weapon of sorts."

That would be a good basic description of a Pokemon.

Another thing that would have been fantastic would be some describing words for dialogue. Telling me how their voices sound as their words come out their mouth. You did this occasionally, but not always. These adjectives help the reader know how the characters are feeling while they are talking amongst each other.

You did do one thing well here, that is describe the surroundings. Most people forget that the surroundings even exist. But they do. You did an a-okay job at giving details as to what the houses. Although I am positive that you can get more specific! You gave very basic details, you can go an extra step and use more complex adjectives rather than just colors and shapes. Don't be afraid to expand your horizon.

Outcome

Well. It was an okay story all in all. However, I am positive that you can do better. I want you to have more description and to fix up your grammar some more. If you can throw in some more description here and there and fix up most of the grammar mistakes that you can find, I'll go ahead and give you your little ice pig. But for now - Swinub not captured!