A Beginner's Adventure (Graded and Caught!)

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Thread: A Beginner's Adventure (Graded and Caught!)

  1. #1
    Registered User Torchictrainer101's Avatar
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    Default A Beginner's Adventure (Graded and Caught!)

    This Is my first story. I am hoping to obtain a caterpie. I am not much of a writer, at least, in terms of fiction, so I am not sure whether I want too much criticism. Anyway, here is my story; it is just under 3300 characters long.
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    “Whaa! There are bug Pokémon everywhere! Where in this forest am I any way? Maybe I should start from the beginning. My name is Thomas, and I am ten years old. I left Pallet Town about a week ago, with my new friend, Charmander. When we got to Viridian City, the first thing we did was sign up for the Pokémon League. Anyway, everyone knows you can’t win a gym battle with just one Pokémon. We decided to go into to the Viridian Forest. Just one problem: I can’t stand bug Pokémon.”

    “When Charmander and I first entered the forest, we were challenged by a bug catcher named Bryan. Here, I’ll recount that battle.”

    “Finally! A trainer! Hey, I’m looking for a Pokémon battle. Why don’t you show me what your Pokémon can do? Oh, my name’s Bryan, by the way. Now, my Pokémon will be Caterpie. This one’s at level ten. I don’t plan on letting it evolve until I test it against a trainer.”

    “My Pokémon will be Charmander. It’s also at level ten. I trained it against my friend Samantha’s Squirtle. It will be a good matchup against that Caterpie of yours.”

    “We’ll see about that.”

    “We sent out our Pokémon, and having not seen a Caterpie before, I pulled out my Pokedex, my knees shaking.”

    “Caterpie, a worm Pokémon. It can release a terrible odor from it’s antenna for protection. It has a ferocious appetite, and therefore it can often be seen dining on leaves even bigger than itself.”

    “I remember that Fire Pokémon have an advantage over Bug Pokémon, so I’ll let you go first, Bryan.” To tell the truth, half the reason I choose Charmander was because it has an advantage over Bug Pokémon. The other half is that I think it would be awesome to fly around on a Charizard. But I’m getting beside my point.

    “Alright, Caterpie, show that Charmander your Super-sticky string shot. Trust me, this Caterpie’s string shot is the stickiest in the entire forest.”

    “Charmander, use ember to melt the silk! Now, try that combo we’ve been working on. Use Ember on your hand, followed by scratch attack!”

    That left Caterpie unable to battle! Anyway, I thanked the trainer for a fun match, and Charmander and I went off into the woods. We faced several trainers and I meet a coordinator teaching her Pokémon about teamwork in combinations. She was using a Butterfree, a Pidgeotto, and a Wartortle. I stopped to watch, and then I headed on. I think I even saw a Pikachu!

    It was starting to get late, and the bug Pokémon were getting active. I was running, panicking even and don’t remember much about that portion. I saw a lot of bug Pokémon, and each time I saw one I made a left or a right turn. That’s how I ended up where I am. Hey, telling that story helped me think a little. I received this map from someone shortly before entering. “Charmander, come out and light the way! We’re not far from the exit! Alright, it should be just a couple more turns. Wait, something doesn’t feel right… it’s a whole army of bug Pokémon, and they don’t look too happy! Charmander, help me, please!”

    Charmander’s ember attack was awesome! It took care of the all those bug Pokémon! Wait, what’s this? There is one Caterpie left! Uh-oh, Charmander is too tired to battle this one. Hey, I have this one spare Poke ball! This is my last chance to catch a Pokémon in the Viridian Forest. I throw it and as it starts to rock I wait…
    Last edited by Torchictrainer101; 7th May 2010 at 06:40 PM.

  2. #2
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Beginner's Adventure

    Claimed for Grading. :)

  3. #3
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Beginner's Adventure

    (It's my opinion that there's no such thing as too much criticism, so long as it's constructive and helpful. I intend to make everything below just that, so don't worry too much.)

    Introduction:
    "Whaa! There are bug Pokémon everywhere! Where in this forest am I any way?"
    I thought that your introduction was pretty good. The above quote acts as a hook because the reader wants to know how the speaker (Thomas) ended up in the forest to begin with, and so they read on. Since this is your first story, I figure a more detailed explanation on hooks and how to create strong ones will be very helpful to you.

    Basically, a hook is an introduction that draws the reader into the story and keeps them interested. Examples are situational depending on the story, but they usually leave the reader wondering, "Why did this happen in the intro? I'll keep reading to find out". A particularly strong hook also catches the reader's interest with an action-packed scene, a suspenseful moment, or a point of interest that occurs later in the story (which often leads to a flashback immediately afterward). Your quote at the beginning is an example of this because it shows something that happens later, and then it flashes back to tell the story of how Thomas got to where he was.

    In the future, you should try practicing with hooks so that you can get better at writing strong ones. Once you master them, they will be very helpful to you.

    Plot:
    Thomas wanders into the Viridian Forest, and gets into a short battle with a trainer. He then continues through the forest, finding various points of interest along the way, before he runs into an army of bugs. He and his Charmander fend them off, and he attempts to capture the last one standing.

    This is a basic plot, but it works very well, considering your target Pokemon. The category that you're writing for doesn't require anything too complex, so what you've given will do.

    The only thing that I felt could have been developed better was the bit in the middle about how Thomas ran into trainers and a coordinator in his trip through the forest. Since you were going for a Caterpie, it wasn't entirely necessary to put this part in, but by doing so, you kind of pull a time skip without telling the readers the details of Thomas's walk. Basically, what I'm saying is don't include plot points that you don't intend to elaborate on; if those points help get your length over the minimum, simply go back and elaborate a little more on the details that are more prominent in the story.

    I should let you know that more difficult categories will require more complex plots that are fully developed, but for now, the plot that you've written about is absolutely fine.

    Dialogue:
    The dialogue in this story was adequate for the category that you're writing for, since again, it doesn't require anything too complex. However, I'll teach you a bit about dialogue since it's your first story, so that you know for the future.

    Besides allowing the characters to communicate with each other, dialogue is also used to show the emotions and personalities of the characters as they move through the story. To write dialogue that does this, you'll want to first think of the personality you'll want to give to your characters in the story. Once that's done, start writing their lines, and pause every so often to read them. While reading, ask yourself, "Does this sound like something that someone with this personality would say?" Edit and revise the dialogue from there until you get it how you want it to be.

    As I said, the dialogue you've given is fine; just keep the above in mind for more difficult captures.

    Grammar:
    I noticed that you used quotes very often in the beginning of the story, and you placed entire paragraphs in quotes when it wasn't necessary. Although your main character was telling a story to the audience, you didn't need to put it in quotes, since this is written in the first-person perspective, and Thomas is considered the narrator. The narrator doesn't need quotes when speaking to the audience; however, when he or she speaks to other characters in the story, the standard rules of dialogue and quotes apply.

    Other than that, there wasn't really anything of note to talk about in this section. Good job!

    Detail and Description:
    Much of the same ideas apply to this section as to the plot section. The details that you gave here were fine for the category that you're writing for, but more difficult captures will require more detail.

    An important part of the story that I felt could have been described better was the appearances of the characters in the story. Since you're writing in the first-person, it's difficult to get your character (Thomas) to show his appearance without it being forced; however, when Thomas came across Bryan, a few details about his appearance would have made it easier to visualize Bryan. Similarly, giving some details about the appearances of the Pokemon in the story would be helpful in visualizing. You have to remember, just because this is a Pokemon forum doesn't mean everyone knows what every Pokemon looks like, so it's better to be safe and describe them than sorry and not describe them.

    Battle:
    Just like how I told you to describe the appearances of the Pokemon in the story above, you have to remember that not everyone knows what every attack looks like. For this reason, and to add to how well-written your story is (which earns it a better Grade overall), you should try to describe the attacks being executed by the Pokemon, and show their effects on the opponent Pokemon, each time a Pokemon attacks in the battles of your story.

    However, the battle that you had here was fine for the category.

    Length:
    Caterpie is in the Easiest category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 3,000 to 5,000 characters. Your story is 3,310 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    ...Click!

    Gotcha! Caterpie was caught!

    For a first story, this wasn't bad at all. The vast majority of my points made up there are suggestions for the future, so keep those in mind when you write for something more complex, and you shouldn't have too many problems moving up the ranks of difficulty.

    Enjoy your catch!

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