The Begining

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  1. #1
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    Default The Begining

    Off in a remote area in the world of pokemon laid a small town that few would know of, since it is out of the way of the path most people would travel. Even though the town was in such a remote area, a Pokemon Researcher had made her home in the town. Earlier that day, she had given out a lot of starter pokemon that have lived with her for some time. All the children and teenagers had received a starter pokemon of their choice, and went off on their own pokemon journey. She sighed in relief. All her pokemon now had new trainers, and now she could continue her research on the pokemon in the area. She walked over to her chair and sat down. "im glad this is ove-"

    Suddenly, a young man threw the door open, his breath short and shallow. His forehead was drenched in sweat, which made it obvious to the Professor that he had ran here. She smiled a little as the young man caught his breath, trying to speak. "I..... I over..... over...."
    "Over slept, im guessing" She said, finishing his sentence. He nodded and hung his head down. The Professor got up and walked over to him. "Well, I gave away all of my starter pokemon, so I guess your out of luck."
    The young man looked up to her and let out a small plea. "There has to be something left. anything!"
    She put her left hand on her hip and lifted a pokeball out from her bag. "This isn't a starter pokemon, but its all I have left. In this pokeball contains a Cottonee. A very timid one at that. If your gonna take her, your gonna have to work hard to gain its trust."
    The Young Man nodded in response. "I'll be sure to take good care of her, Professor."
    She smiled wider and handed the pokeball over to him. "You'd better, Gio. Now go on, your way behind the other trainers."
    Gio smiled and nodded, running out of the lab. The Professor sighed and returned back to her seat, exhausted. "Now its over..."

    The small town was no different the any other. However, one of the reasons people lived there was due to a beautiful lake not to far from the town. The water shined like diamonds as the sun's beams reflected off of the surface of the small lake. Small waves would pass by and disrupt the shining appearence as many pokemon played on and within the water. Wingulls were all over the place, and some Duckletts were diving underwater to avoid the Wingulls meschivious behaviours as they swooped down upon the Duckletts. Under the water, many other pokemon could be seen. Magicarp swam all over, and a school of Remoraid swam by the diving Ducklets. Near the edge of the lake, a lone male Surskit walked out of a tall collection of reeds and went towards the water. Slowly stepping upon the water, the Surskit shortly began sliding all over it, avoiding the Duckletts and Wingulls as it went up and over the small waves.

    Back towards the town, the young man known as Gio was walking over to the lake with his pokeball in hand, 5 more seen clipped onto his belt. As the lake came into sight, he sat down and began stretching with his pokeball still in his hand. His carefree additude was easy to see, even impossible not to notice.
    "Im gonna miss this sparkling lake. It was always fun to swim in it"
    The pokeball in his hand slipped out of his grasp and fell onto his knee as Gio layed down in the lush grass. Cottonee shortly poped out after and slowly crept away from him, relaxing some ways away from her trainer. Gio began laughing. "The Professor wasn't kidding when she said you were timid." He said softly to the Cottonee. He quickly sat up, which caused Cottonee to jump away a little. "Well, names Gio, little one. Im sure you'll be used to me before we know i-"

    A gust of wind came across the field of grass, whisking up Cottonee in its current. Gio shook his head and got up. "Can't stand up against a small gust of wind, Cottonee?" Gio said before chasing after her. The gust of wind died down, letting down Cottonee in the middle of the lake. She began to splash around on the surface of the lake, slowly begining to sink. As Gio reached the edge of the lake and noticed what was going on, he pulled out Cottonee's pokeball with a worried expression and tried to return Cottonee.

    Cottonee suddenly flew out of the water and crashed back onto land, jumping and looking around as she attempted to dry herself. Once she was dry, she began to relax a little. Gio looked towards what could of possibly sent her flying out of the water. Where Cottonee was stood a male Surskit. "So, a Surskit saved Cottonee, huh?" Gio said to himself. It appeared to be laughing a little at Cottonee at how she was splashing around earlier. Cottonee heard Surskit laughing and jumped back towards the lake, using a absorb in Surskits direction. Gio quickly facepalmed as Surskit dodged with ease across the surface of the water, Cottonee splashing into the lake, thrashing around this time. Surskit raced up and tackled Cottonee again, knocking her out of the water again.

    Cottonee crashed onto land again, quickly turning and looking towards the Surskit with complete annoyance. The Surskit was just sliding across the water, taunting Cottonee. Gio looked towards Cottonee. "So, you wanna take that Surskit down Cottonee?" He asked her. Cottonee quickly nodded in response. "Heh, you maybe timid, but I guess you don't like being messed with. Well, lets try taking it out from here. Use Leech Seed!" Gio yelled out. Surskit's attention was caught from Gio yelling, looking towards the two as Cottonee fired off a Leech Seed. It managed to hit Surskit. As the Leech Seed began to sap Surskits energy, it began to panic, sliding across the water and bumping into Duckletts and bouncing off of them like a pinball. Cottonee began to chuckle back towards the Surskit. Once more, Cottonee was sent flying into the air, crashing a good 10 feet away due to the Quick Attack Surskit used on her. Gio looked towards the Surskit and grinned. "Perhaps this little guy will be of great use to my team." he thought to himself. Looking towards Cottonee, he yelled out to her to use Absorb. Cottonee got up and dashed at the Surskit, using Absord as ordered, absorbing health from the Surskit. The Leech Seed continued to take away Surskit's health and heal Cottonee, and Surskit wasn't far from fainting from all the damage it took. Surskit used another Quick Attack, hitting Cottonee easily. However, Cottonee countered once more with Absorb, absorbing more health. With the might of Leech Seed and Absorb together, it didn't take long before Surskit stumbled around and fell over, fainted. Cottonee proceeded to laugh once more at Surskit before Gio lightly tapped her. "Don't go hating Surskit too much Cottonee. I plan to add him to our team."

    Cottonee looked towards Gio with a look of astonishment as he threw the pokeball, it hitting Surskit and taking him inside.
    The ball wiggled once.
    It wiggle twice.
    Then it wiggled Thrice.
    The wild Surskit was...
    Last edited by Zergio; 11th September 2011 at 01:45 AM.

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Begining

    Welcome to the URPG, I'm claiming as it looks like its done, message me if its not though.

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Begining

    @Zergio

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    Your story was nice a simple, which is a good break from reading all of this stuff for the summer writing competition. As I read it, though, I couldn’t help but notice a lot of spelling issues, which I’ll get to in that section of the Grade. However, as this is your first story and it’s for a simple mon, I’m not going to go too crazy.

    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    The plot was simple, which is perfect for new writer on the URPG. You introduce the character in such a way that is comical, albeit the situation is all too familiar (replace Cottonee with Pikachu). However where you take it has potential, and as you have stated that it is going to be a series, you leave the ending open to interpretation, which is good.

    However, just note that you can catch the Pokémon in the story, or you can not capture it in the story! Here as long as the story is good and the plot, details and grammar hold up to the level of difficulty, you can get the mon. I’ve seen stories where they capture the mon, befriend the mon, kill the mon, and sometimes the mon kills them!

    I have seen no plot issues and you used the Pokémon’s unique characteristics to further the plot, which is nice.

    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    You describe the setting well, setting the mood that this is just another trainer starting their journey. However, as you continue to write for harder Pokémon, you need put a little more description.

    For instance, all I know about Gio is that he is a boy and that he wears a belt. Since your character is going to be in a lot more chapters, you need to convey what he looks like to the readers so that they can connect to him. Now you can do this by many different ways. People sometimes describe the main characters outright, which can work easily here because you have a third person narrative. Others sprinkle it in, for instance, when you said:

    The pokeball in his hand slipped out of his grasp and fell onto his knee as Gio layed down in the lush grass.
    you could change “knee” into shorts or jeans or even a kilt. Since this is your first story and it’s for a simple mon, I’ll let this slide.

    However, one big issue you had was lack of description of the Pokémon moves.

    Surskit used another Quick Attack, hitting Cottonee easily. However, Cottonee countered once more with Absorb, absorbing more health.
    You never really describe how the Absorb attack is used, just the effect of absorbing. When you write for the URPG, or just in general, you have to imaging that the readers have little to no knowledge of Pokémon. Just saying that Cottonee used Absorb doesn’t really invoke anything in the reader’s mind. If you describe how the attack is built up and then released, the reader will get sucked into the battle. Description of moves is crucial when the climax of your story or chapter revolves around it in order to excite the reader. Basically, turn on and describe Battle Animations.

    On that note, you need to describe how Pokémon appear. You don’t need to do this all the time, for example, you don’t have to devote any characters for Magikarp as you just mention it in passing, but when it comes to Cottonee and Surskit, who are the Pokémon being focused on, a description is needed, and heavily judged when you try for harder mons.

    While you can go onto Bulbapedia and just look at the Physical Description section, you’ll get extra points if you describe it in your own way.


    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    Now this section hit you the hardest; however, don’t fret, as most of the mistakes are common/hard to spot.

    First, I want to comment on “Pokémon.” Pokémon is a proper noun describing an idea, so it is usually capitalized and most graders will note this. However, since you are mostly consistent with this, it’s fine for now (Though, you say “Pokemon Reasearcher”).

    Second, just as Pokémon is both singular and plural, Pokémon species names are treated the same, so one Wingull, two Wingull, etc.

    Next comment is that you tend to change tenses within the same paragraph or same thought.

    The ball wiggled once.
    It wiggle twice.
    Then it wiggled Thrice.
    Don’t do it (also “Thrice” shouldn’t be capitalized). Also, remember to create a new paragraph then someone new speaks, because it can get lost in a large paragraph.

    You had three major grammar mistakes: contractions, spelling and dialogue tags.

    You constantly seem to use “lets” instead of “let’s when trying to say “let us” and “im” instead of “I’m.” Even if it is within dialogue, it needs to be “I’m,” unless the characters are typing out their words, which can be chalked up to their personal traits. Also, while not really a contraction problem, you use “your” instead of “you’re” when trying to said “you are” and “its,” which is the possessive form, verses “it’s,” as in “it is.”

    I see that you’re from Canada, so I had to check to see the spelling differences. “Appearence" is a very common misspelling of “appearance” with an “a.” “Meschivious” should be “mischievous.” “Additude” should be “attitude.” And most importantly, “begining” had two “n”s. Lastly, Magikarp has a “k,” and you misspelled “Absorb” wrong once (“Absord”).

    Now I’m a stickler for dialogue tags. Whenever the verb of a dialogue tag is acting upon the dialogue, the dialogue tag is lowercased and if there would be a period inside the dialogue, it is changed to a comma.

    "The Professor wasn't kidding when she said you were timid." He said softly to the Cottonee.
    This is because the object of the verb “said” is the dialogue itself, so by having a comma and “he” instead of “He” ties it in. This doesn’t happen often in your story, though. Also a note that you should only have one dialogue tag in a single paragraph.

    These were the major issues, but there were some minor ones that I think you could find, though, I’d like to point out two:

    The pokeball in his hand slipped out of his grasp and fell onto his knee as Gio layed down in the lush grass.
    Firstly, the past tense of “lay” is “laid.” Secondly, “lay” is wrong in this instance. “Lay” is used when there is an object. “Down” is an adverb showing where and “in the lush grass” is a preposition. “Lie” is the proper verb, and to make “lie” past tense, it becomes “lay.” Yes it is very confusing and many people make this mistake so don’t worry.

    Cottonee shortly poped out after and slowly crept away from him, relaxing some ways away from her trainer.
    It’s “popped.” Also, “after” is a preposition. You’re trying to use it as an adverb, but you should instead use “afterwards.”


    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    It was a quick read and passed the min CC so good job.

    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    I really liked how you used Cottonee’s lightness in the plot and how you described Surskit skating on water. If you just bump up the amount of detail later, you’ll do fine here URPG.

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Simple, but solid.
    Details: Need to describe the battle to make it more interesting.
    Grammar: Reread again as there were a lot.
    Length: Fair.


    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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