Thread: Battles and Confusions

Battles and Confusions
The Start of a Journey and Eternal Friendships
by Angel Aquino


Author’s Note: Hi, I’m Angel and this is my first URPG story. I’ve had a bit of experience already in writing original stories and fanfics, but I hope that if my story can still be improved, please do criticize or comment, no matter how harsh it would sound. Also, forgive me for making it a tad shorter than expected, but it was all I can do at the moment. So, on with the story!
(Disclaimer: I do not own either of the Pokémon stated in the story, they are owned by The Pokémon Company. =D)


The sun shone brightly in the late morning sky and the soft chirps of birds from the trees were carried by the wind. A young girl skipped happily on the dirt road of Forest Route 74, her black hair fluttering in the cool summer breeze. She had determined brown eyes and wore a light yet comfortable black shirt, and matching green cap, vest and pants.

A small, brown creature was cradled in her arms. It had a meek yet serious demeanor, and was obviously quite glad about its trainer. The trainer’s name was Angel, and having recently received her first Pokémon, an Eevee, she set off to begin her Pokémon journey with high spirits, and exciting adventures ahead.


~--~--~
Earlier that day…


It was the day after Angel’s 10th birthday, and she woke up with a large grin on her face. Getting up from her soft bed, she looked out the window to the small houses of Branchlet, her hometown, the warmth of the dawn bringing color to her cheeks. After a few minutes of fixing up, she hollered, “I’m ready, Dad!” and ran down the staircase to the laboratory.


The room was filled with equipment, food containers and specimens of all sorts, each arranged on one of the several desks and cabinets that the room contained. At one table, there was a large swivel chair, upon which sat Angel’s father, a man with large, strong build, mahogany hair and a lab coat. He stood up with a pleasant smile, hearing his daughter approach.


“Now what’s this surprise you’ve been telling me about?” she asked when she reached her father’s desk, but of course, she already knew. On this day, Angel would receive her fist Pokémon and finally begin her Pokémon journey, which was every child’s dream.


“Close your eyes first,” said Angel’s dad, who also happened to be Professor Mahogany, a renowned Pokémon expert and breeder. She immediately obeyed, and in her hands was placed a round container, with a button in front and two halves, one red and another white: a Poké Ball. Opening her eyes, Angel rushed to the professor and hugged him gently. “Thanks for the gift, Dad,”


“You’ve been waiting a long time for this; you deserve it. Now go on and see what Pokémon you got!” Gleefully, Angel pressed the button and threw the red and white sphere into the air, and a glowing red light emerged from inside. Catching the poké ball in her hands, she was delighted, and at the same time, not surprised, when she saw what had appeared. It was the Pokémon Eevee, a small, brown, fox-like creature, and the one Pokémon she’d always been waiting for. Scooping the tiny creature into her supportive arms, Angel said, “I guess I expected this, but-“


“As I said, no need,” Professor Mahogany interrupted, quite pleased. “Now, your bag’s already on the porch, with five poké balls, one potion and a Pokédex inside, so after you take breakfast, you can leave whenever you want.”


After placing Eevee back in its poké ball, the two of them then proceeded to the dining table, and as Angel sat, she laughed when she saw what was on her plate: a slightly charred waffle, with a sloppily-drawn smiley face made out of chocolate syrup.


The professor blushed slightly and apologized, saying, “You deserve better than this to start the first day of your Pokémon journey, but it was the least I could do.”


“Don’t worry about it, Dad,” Angel smiled, and happily ate her meal with her father, quickly finishing it to be able to start off early.


After checking everything in her bag, Angel rushed outside with her dad, Eevee again in her arms. Slinging the backpack on her shoulder, she said, “Well, see you, Dad. I’ll be talking to you soon. And thanks again.” Then she started off along the road leading out of the town, waving to her dad.


“Good luck, Angel!” he hollered, and smiled contentedly. “Enjoy yourself and make a lot of friends!”
~--~--~


Patting her newfound friend on the head, Angel said, “Eevee, do you know what my goal is?” The tiny, fox-like creature looked up to meet its trainer’s eyes, as though it were inquiring about the subject. Angel giggled at the cute look it gave her, and said, “Alright, Eevee. But let’s sit down first; we’ve been walking for quite a while now.


Setting Eevee down on the ground to take a rest under the shade of a large, sturdy oak tree, Angel took a sip of water from a tumbler and, watching Eevee settle itself on her lap, told it, “I want to be a Pokémon master, and make my dad proud. I guess you’d already met my dad, and he knew that you’d be the perfect friend for me, so he chose you to let me have a head start on my Pokémon journey, and I want to return to Branchlet Town someday with you, after we win battles and meet all sorts of friends. Don’t you think it’s all so exciting?”


Immediately after Angel had completed her question, Eevee pounced off of her lap and onto the ground, inching slowly away from the tree, as though in a battle stance.


“Eevee, what’s wrong?” Angel asked worriedly, quickly approaching Eevee. As if in response, three caterpillar-like creatures with sharp, horn-like needles sprouting from their heads advanced, creeping steadily down from the tree’s branches. Sunlight glinted off of the needles, adding to their ‘small but terrible’ look.


“Uh-oh….” Angel exclaimed, “Those are wild Weedle!” Taking out her sleek, black Pokédex, it stated in a digital, female voice, “Weedle, the Hairy Bug Pokémon. It eats its weight in leaves every day and fends off attackers with the needle on its head.”


Turning to her Pokémon, she asked nervously, “This’ll be your very first battle, Eevee. Are sure you’re up for this?” When it nodded, Angel sighed, and putting on a determined face to match her own Pokémon’s, she commanded, “Go, Eevee, use Quick Attack!” Instantly, Eevee rammed one Weedle straight into the tree, leaving it in a bad condition. “That’s the spirit, Eevee!” Angel cheered. “Now use Tackle and finish it off!”


Eevee then tackled the Weedle, and it fainted, but not before Eevee was hit with a barrage of Poison Sting from the two remaining Bug-types. The needles bruised Eevee quite badly, and it struggled to keep its balance. Angel ran to the damaged Pokémon, but before she could reach it, both Weedle attacked with String Shot, wrapping Eevee completely with a layer of thick silk string.


“No, Eevee!” Angel cried out, but just then, a mysterious pink glow engulfed the two wild Weedle, accompanied by a low humming sound, and the two Pokémon appeared to levitate.


“But how….?” she wondered, and a white Pokémon with a green head moved from behind another tree with its tiny feet. “Ralts, the Feeling Pokémon,” the Pokédex chirped, when Angel brought it out slowly to examine the creature “The horns on its head provide a strong power that enables it to sense people’s emotions.”


“A Ralts! So that’s why!” Angel exclaimed, and all of a sudden, the pink glow sent the two Weedle flying. As the pink glow disappeared, they fell to the ground, the strength of the impact making them faint instantly.


After the extraordinary battle, Angel unwrapped Eevee’s silk threads and sprayed a bit of potion onto it, and after explaining what had happened during the battle, they both went up to where Ralts was standing, but Angel was surprised to find it lying down, almost motionless. She examined it, and said, “It must have used up a lot of power to do that, so I guess it collapsed because of fatigue.” She then sprayed a little potion on the Ralts as well, and both Angel and Eevee were quite relieved to see it waking up, fully energized.


“Ralts, thank you so much for the help,” Angel said softly to it. “I guess we couldn’t have won the battle without you.” Surprisingly, the timid Pokémon wasn't frightened at all, but actually seemed pleased with the company, giving both of them a gentle smile of contentment.


Then, a tiny voice spoke inside the minds of both Angel and Eevee and said, “Thank you, too, for giving me a chance to battle those Weedle. The bug Pokémon that live in this forest were responsible for driving my brothers and sisters out, and I was left alone, afraid. But I’m not afraid now, because you gave me a chance to fight them, and I owe it to both of you.”


Angel was both shocked and pleased that Ralts spoke to them, because she knew that only those who have earned one’s trust could hear them. “You know, I have an idea, Ralts,” she then told it with a keen smile. “You’re really strong, and now that we trust each other, I thought that maybe you would like to join our team. But of course, we’ll battle you first. So, how about it?” It then stood up straight, and, brushing off little pieces of dirt on its white body, bowed its head to both the trainer and the Pokémon. Angel grinned, saying, “I’ll take that as a yes!”


The sun heated up the battlefield, moving farther up the clear, blue sky as it neared noon, and Angel’s eyes seemed to shine with determination. As Ralts stood by the tree and Angel at the other, she turned to Eevee and said, “Well, Eevee, this is it! Our first friend on our journey, and I’ll capture it with your help! Ready?” Eevee nodded, straightening up, and at once, Angel told it, “Go, Eevee, let’s start this with a Tackle!” The Pokémon rushed to hit the Ralts, but all Eevee landed on was a patch of grass, and suddenly, it appeared as though a dozen Ralts surrounded Eevee all at once.


“It used Double Team!” Angel muttered. “This’ll be harder than I thought.” Then, when the other holograms began to fade, she pointed, “There, to your right!” Eevee understood, and tackled the Ralts, and it was hit by the attack, but just as it was about to fall to the ground, it vanished from sight.


Angel said, “That must’ve been Teleport! This Ralts does have a few tricks up its sleeve. But so do we!” Anticipating its next move, Angel directed, “Now, turn around and tackle, Eevee!” It did just that, and Ralts’s form reappeared on the ground, with a few bruises from taking a couple of direct hits. But then, the same pink light they had seen earlier enveloped Eevee, and it appeared to float in the air.


“Oh, no! It’s that Confusion again!” Angel groaned, knowing what the attack could do to an opponent. As the glow dissipated from around Eevee, it fell to the ground, creating bruises all over its body. Feebly, it got up, and pushed itself to stand up for its trainer’s sake.


“You can do it, Eevee! I believe in you!” the young trainer urged. All of a sudden, a plan began to form in Angel’s mind as she thought, “Ralts just used Confusion, which takes a lot of its energy, plus it’s backed into that tree, so....Now, Eevee! Quick Attack!” As soon as she had said that, Eevee dashed with all the strength it could muster in its state, delivering a harsh blow to Ralts, and sending it straight into the tree bark.


As the Pokémon fell back, Angel tossed a poké ball at the base of the tree, enclosing the weakened Ralts with a red glow, similar to what she’d seen with Eevee’s poké ball earlier that morning. It tilted slowly from side to side, making a whirring noise, and Angel closed her eyes, silently praying.


"Please, Ralts....Be my friend."


Notes:
Pokémon: Ralts
Category: Medium
Character Count:
Without Spacing- 9.5k
With Spacing- 11.5k

Intro:

The introduction was very nicely written; it set the stage for the story, showing that it was a somewhat lighthearted, classic Pokemon journey. We get a detailed picture of our protagonist and her new friend, Eevee. Atmospheric details such as the chirping birds helped set the mood of the coming story, and it was enjoyable to read.

My only concern is that the flashback to the beginning of the day seemed a little forced; the transition was a tad jarring. In future stories, if you use the same flashback device, I would try and work it into the story proper. For instance, saying that the character’s mind wandered back to the beginning of the day lets it move right to the flashback; depending on your writing style, you may prefer to use different wording, which would be fine.

Plot:

As I’d said, it’s a fairly classic first Pokemon story. That’s neither a good or bad thing; classics are such because they’re popular, and if they’re done correctly, can still be ripping good yarns. The story flows along quite nicely; there’s fun times when an Eevee takes on three Weedle by itself, showing its spunk.

My concern here is that there isn’t too much of an end-goal. What is the overall purpose? You say they want to be a Pokemon Master, but not anything about why they’ve settled on that. Are they simply fleeing from a boring home life, or seeking aventure and new locales? Do they seek after the fame and fortune that come from it? I don’t think it detracted from the story, because it more seemed like a snapshot in a larger story arc – which can be good for episodic tales – and it wouldn’t be marked down for that, just something to keep in mind for future stories.

Dialogue:

The dialogue was fresh. Not as fresh as a certain prince we all know in Bel-Air; but not everyone can (or wants to) be Will Smith. It’s nice to see a bond forming between the trainer and their starter Pokemon, and your said-bookisms (I refuse to mark down for something I’m equally guilty of) help me know where the trainer is, whether they’re nervously contemplating their first battle, or overcome with concern for the brave bystander who threw itself in harm’s way.

It also shows her closeness to her father, the Professor. There’s no mention of a mother, in good or bad context, so I’m assuming that she’s been out of the picture for a while, and the two of them are used to going it alone; difficult under any circumstances, most especially when his little girl is going out to the big, scary world. I’d say good marks in this category.

Grammar:

No major issues that I spotted in this section. When it comes to bits of dialogue, though, you don’t have any two people speaking in the same paragraph, which is good; however, you do have someone speak, actions are taken, and they speak again.

For example:

Turning to her Pokémon, she asked nervously, “This’ll be your very first battle, Eevee. Are sure you’re up for this?” When it nodded, Angel sighed, and putting on a determined face to match her own Pokémon’s, she commanded, “Go, Eevee, use Quick Attack!” Instantly, Eevee rammed one Weedle straight into the tree, leaving it in a bad condition. “That’s the spirit, Eevee!” Angel cheered. “Now use Tackle and finish it off!”

I’d try and break this up a little; as you may have noticed from other stories, there are quite a few one- or two-line sentences that don’t necessarily detract from the story if it helps things move along. In longer stories, it helps things stay clear about who, or what, is doing which action, or saying a certain line of dialogue. Again, something to keep in mind.

Detail:

Good marks in this category. Small environmental touches help bring depth to a story; chirping birds, tree bark, glistening spines, and other flourishes make it obvious that the story isn’t happening in a vacuum. There’s a living world that we’re getting a glimpse of, which is nice. Minor character embellishments help here too. Patting her new friend on the head, rushing to the side of a downed friend, bittersweet goodbyes at the start of a journey all help the story ‘pop’, and really seem like a coherent tale, rather than a description of events.

Length:

11, 110 all told; we do include spaces as a character. Ralts, as medium, is suggested to be 10-20k. In general, it’s better to aim for the middle of the suggested chars, but you’re still definitely within the range. No problems here.

Reality:

As for the reality, you did something with your story that I did the same with, on my first story. Your Ralts character seems to have gone out of its way, at risk to itself, to help your avatar; it’s assuming unilateral Pokemon benevolence. It also is in sharp contrast to the Weedle, who were aggressive without real provocation, and made it seem a little more jarring. If it’s an altruistic Pokemon who helps you, I’d try and make it seem a little more unusual; that the avatar is surprised some other Pokemon is going out of their way to help. Otherwise, it could work to have the Pokemon also be threatened – say the Ralts was napping beneath a tree, and the Weedle attacked both of them, their teaming up might have been quite beneficial. I don’t think it detracted from the story at all, just something to keep in mind for the future.

Personal Feelings:

This story in several ways reminds me of my first story, for a Lotad, in the NWC. I was fond of that story, and being reminded of it was quite nice. You clearly have a good grasp on all the bits in a story; it’s significantly easier to refine technique than to learn to write good stories. I would say your strong points are in dialogue and story flow, so as long as you keep the story moving, the reader is entertained. In your next stories, I’d try and have more human characters; that gives your dialogue a real chance to flourish.

Outcome:

Drumroll, please:

Ralts Captured!