Battle for the Territory [GRADER NEEDED]

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  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Sep 2009

    Default Battle for the Territory [GRADER NEEDED]

    Battle for the Territory

    In a city known as Northamptonshire… in England… This place had many gang teams, where they all tried to gain land within this city. Northamptonshire is a giant, dreary city full of many tall buildings, and many forests. These forests were giant-king like jungles where some gangs hide out and battle their Pokemon to become the greater team. Similarly, within the city there are grey rocky paths that lead to each other’s territories and surrounded by children’s parks. These parks had many climbing frames and big emerald like fields; however, these places were deserted in case they were caught up in the giant war between teams within the city. These parks were deserted as if a sandstorm had swept everyone away, but no… Trainers and regular citizens were too scared to go to some dark places within this city because of the fighting involved.

    The gang teams are fighting in Northamptonshire due to gain land. However, other teams have different agendas but that remains unknown. Most teams treat their Pokemon as tools just to gain land and others use their Pokemon as partners. Since this city has been involved in a gang war for so long, many citizens are fleeing this metropolis. Once in Northamptonshire used to be a Gym where everyone went to go for the Gym Badge. This gym was a maze like building where you had to go around all sharp corners and dead ends just to get to the leader… However, time moved on and the Gym Leader has… It is not known what type of Pokemon this leader used because of the gang wars going on within the city.

    Elsewhere… in a small territory known as Irthlingborough a young boy who wore a bright yellow t-shirt and dark-blue jeans stood up. This territory was a small forest covered with many tall trees that were surrounded by more houses. These small houses were green painted to blend in with the trees. Many bug like Pokemon and small wasteland Pokemon lived her as well…

    “Alright everyone! Let’s get rolling to the next battle!” He exclaimed. The young boy was not the leader of the Irthlingborough gang and was just the enthusiastic one that kept the gang going before they lost their land. This boy had a dark-brown hair that looked like he could camouflage with a tree trunk. His oceanic eyes flickered and the start of an adventure had begun. His name was Chris! Chris was not always an enthusiastic boy and had very depressing issues on his mind in the past. This was before the gang war had started because he had many problems with his old friendship group.

    “Are you sure we can win back Rushden?” A giant boy asked. Rushden was another territory that this gang had taken over. However, they lost it due to a Battle between each other’s Leaders and were trounced. This giant boy had shady sunglasses over his eyes and had a shiny baldhead. This shows he was just the person with the muscles… This trainer wore a red sleeveless shirt with bulging muscles that stretched the material he was wearing. The muscle man also wore bright blue shorts that looked as if they were too tight for him…. His name was James.

    “We best get going our Leader asked us to go,” Chris said with a shine in his eyes. They both exited the small house and head towards some bushes. These bushes had sharp thorns on them and slashed James’ leg for a second…

    “Ouch!” James shouted. “Why do we always have to take this tunnel to Rushden?” The muscular boy blew at his small wound and carried on walking through. Suddenly, a crashing sound opens the bushes up… Chris had pressed a switch that triggered a giant clearing of all the forest. Trees had been folded sideways for a moment swooping through the warm air and bushes unexpectedly flipped out of the way. Then, Chris and James looked at the steep stairway that spiralled down into a dark tunnel… They walked down the spiralled stairs and entered the shadowy cave like passageway. All the forest flew back into place after they hiked into the tunnel.

    “It makes me wonder why we were chosen to go battle for a part of Rushden,” Chris wondered to James. The young boy then flashed a shiny torch down the tunnel, which lit up the way.

    “Well the rest of our gang are fighting the biggest territory,” James explained. “Northampton is the bigger territory so all of our trainers are there. They clopped their feet in the echoed tunnel and carried on walking…

    “This walk is long!” Chris shouted. His voice bounded off the walls and echoed to the end of the tunnel… Suddenly a small ball with red and white on it rolled towards them… A burst of flashing white light revealed a Pokemon…

    “Gast-ly,” the Pokemon hissed. This Pokemon was a black sphere Pokemon with purple, foggy gas surrounding it. It also had sharp teeth and the ability to disappear within the shadows. Then, a trainer walked up beside Gastly. This trainer had brunette hair and wore dark-red trousers along with a yellow t-shirt. The person had shiny blue eyes that glared at James and Chris.

    “I come from Rushden territory,” the boy shouted. “I recently discovered your hidden tunnel!” The boy stomped the ground and pointed at them.

    “Oh no,” Chris shouted. He looked shocked because he had never been in such a situation since the war started. Chris flicked his brown hair back and threw a Pokeball. It bounced to floor and burst open… Out came a small crimson crab that had sharp red pincers. It clanged them together and stomped its four brown feet echoing throughout the tunnel. The foggy Pokemon glared at the Pokemon. That Pokemon was known as Krabby and it clanged it pincers at the gassy creature.

    “Krabby, use Crabhammer,” Chris shouted quickly. Krabby zigzagged towards Gastly and started shaking its crimson tools. They started to bubble up fiercely and swooped at Gastly. The foggy Pokemon just slightly moved out of the way and the small crab banged the tunnel… Small sharp rocks started to fall down on them. James ducked for cover out of the way.

    “Gastly, nice one,” The Rushden person shouted. “Now, Shadow Ball!” Gastly started to quiver and then giant, shadowed spheres appeared around the foggy Pokemon. The balls of shadows materialised towards Krabby, which made the small crab bang at the wall… Krabby shook in pain and struggled to stand up…

    “Oh no,” Chris shouted. Krabby started to slowly reach up onto its feet.
    “Quickly, use Lick,” Gastly’s trainer shouted. Gastly levitated towards the crimson crab and opened its sphere like mouth at Krabby. Krabby hopped onto its brown legs and reacted with a giant jump into the dark air. The foggy Pokemon’s bright pink tongue missed Chris’ Pokemon and got its tongue stuck to the rocky wall. It struggled to pull its sticky tongue off the wall..

    “Now use Metal Claw,” Chris smiled and said. Krabby started to snigger at Gastly with its tongue stuck to wall. Suddenly its red pincers started brightly shine like metal. Krabby’s claws turned into giant metallic pincers and strongly smacked Gastly… The foggy Pokemon was hanging off the wall with its tongue. It was Knocked Out and floated off the rocky wall. James waved his muscular arms in the air and cheered that Chris had one. Then, a bright white light returned Gastly into its Pokeball.

    “Good work Chris,” James said with thumbs up.

    “I am from Rushden territory spy. My name is George.” George explained. He then dashed towards the exit of the tunnel back to Rushden whilst both the young trainers looked confused. Krabby slowly stomped towards Chris and pinched his leg with his crimson tools.

    “OUCH! Krabby you son of a…” Chris shouted in pain whilst rubbing his leg. “Nah, well done on winning!” He then, swung back to his pocket for a Pokeball and returned the crab to his home. The tunnel quietened down and the echoes have gone…

    “If we keep this up. We will win back Rushden territory,” James said. The muscular boy was an unusual trainer with a full set of six Pokemon. They sent this trainer because his Pokemon were a strong support for Irthlingborough trainers.

    “I forgot you won us Rushden before didn’t you?” Chris asked and looked at James.

    “Yeah, I beat the Rushden leader a few months ago. However, it might have changed since then,” James explained. Both James and Chris looked towards the end of the tunnel that cascaded, small droplets of water onto the echoed floor. Suddenly, out of nowhere an injured Pokemon snarled through the tunnel and dashed towards James… The muscular trainer was caught off guard! James stumbled into the wall and shook his head. Chris turned around and saw an injured Pokemon.

    “Daru,” the Pokemon said softly. This was a small Pokemon with a bright, crimson body that looked as powerful as a volcano. The fiery creature has small, webbed yellow hands and bright white eyes that were flashed at James.

    “No way,” Chris shouted. “That’s a Darumaka and it should not be in this kind of territory.” Darumaka was native to another territory in Northamptonshire. The hot Pokemon had bruises and scratches all over its body like it had just been in battle. Little drops of water splashed on its head and it squealed in pain… Chris went to walk towards it but then… A giant blaze of fire circled around Darumaka and then it charged its hotheaded attack at Chris. The young Pokemon trainer jumped down to the floor for cover. The blazing Pokemon’s attack missed and slammed into a wall where sharp rocks darted down towards Darumaka…

    “Oh no,” James shouted. “The Pokemon will be even more injured!” James moved out of the way of the avalanching rocks and Darumaka quivered beneath them even thought it was the Pokemon’s fault. The grey rocks CRASHED down onto Darumaka…

    “OUCH!!!!!!!” A voice screeched. Chris had dived towards Darumaka and blocked the rugged stones from hurting the defenceless fire Pokemon. The young trainer’s yellow t-shirt now turned into a grey, ripped one… Blood poured slightly out of Chris’ body onto the floor… He would do anything to save an injured Pokemon. James quickly whipped out some plasters and strapped them over the trainer’s wounds, which stopped the crimson blood… Darumaka was so shocked it bounced back up onto its webbed feet and started to cry… This Pokemon had been involved in too many battles involving territories.

    “Chris. Are you alright?” James asked. He slowly stomped towards the injured trainer and helped him back to his feet. Darumaka’s eyes slowly started to water and then the fiery Pokemon charged in the direction of the exit. Chris waved his arm at Darumaka to try to grab its attention.

    “That Darumaka came from Rushden Territory,” Chris glared at the exit and said. “We better push on and battle the leader!” Both Chris and James stomped through the bright light at the end of the tunnel and appeared at a staircase… They both climbed the staircase and ventured through the light… They appeared in Rushden Territory, which was surrounded by many skyscraper buildings that towered the bright, blue sky. There were no signs of many plantation life forms except shiny, green grass that sparked with the hot, sun’s rays. Chris and James walked across the lawn and saw no signs of Darumaka… Suddenly, a female trainer with medium length, blonde hair stomped towards them. This girl wore a dazzling pink jumper and dark jeans that shown her twist of personality.

    “Hold it right there!” The girl shouted and pointed. “You outsiders are not welcome and feel the wrath of myself, Aimee!” Aimee then stomped the ground as if a Tauros was ready to stampede at something as fast as a cheetah. James’ eyes burned fiercely and were ready to counter attack.

    “I will battle you Aimee,” James stood firm and said on the grassy lawn. Muscle man then reached back to his pocket and brought out a Pokeball. It was tossed through the warm air and bounced onto the floor. A burst of red light flashed out a Machop to the battlefield. This Pokemon was a grey fighting creature that had big muscles, which resembled its trainer’s traits. Machop tensed its bulging muscles at Aimee who looked intimidated for a second. She then flustered her blonde hair back and threw out a Pokeball of her own.

    “Go, Mareep,” Aimee said with a smug on her face. A tiny yellow sheep appeared with big poufy fur and a smooth dark tail. It squeaked for a moment and sparked up electricity around its dark ears. Mareep and Machop were shadowed by the twisting sun’s rays that reflected shady shadows from the tall buildings, which created a mysterious atmosphere… Nearby in a narrow alleyway lay Darumaka resting behind a murky, bin. This was so the fiery Pokemon could rest up from its traumatic ordeal whilst watching the battle.
    “Machop use Karate Chop!” James shouted. Chris looked around the area and saw many Rushden people and no one else seemed to aid Aimee at all in the battle. He then thought to him are Rushden territory only trying to protect them and not fight any other territory… Perhaps they are trying to make piece with Irthlingborough territory… Machop hopped its small feet off the sharp grass, and jumped into the heated air. It then tensed its dreary hand and cut through the air towards Mareep.

    “Mareep counter with Cotton Spore!” Aimee shouted and thought to herself. Aimee’s goal in Rushden’s operation to restore piece between the two territories. However, neither Chris nor James knew this secret agenda. Mareep quickly dashed onto the lawn at Machop and shook its fluffy back and it spurred out poufy balls of cotton. The balls buffed the young fighter in the face and slowed it down… Its Karate Chop attack smacked the ground and churned up the calm grass into messed up rubble. Chris looked around for Darumaka but did not see the poor injured Pokemon anywhere… it must have escaped or been captured by someone else.

    “Machop watch out this time and use Low Sweep,” James shouted. The muscular trainer looked at Aimee’s eyes with a dangerous look where he was ready to win.

    “Mareep use Thunderbolt,” Aimee shouted. “Like you did on that Darumaka we saw earlier!” Chris and James quickly looked at each other as the wind blew through their hair… Chris thought to himself… This psycho attacked Darumaka… Mareep suddenly shook its fluffy body and electrical sparks sparked all over the small sheep’s body. The sparks zapped down towards Machop who was zapped to the floor. Machop felt stunned as the electricity materialised around its dreary body…

    “No Machop, stand up,” James said fiercely at his fighting Pokemon. The tiny fighter then hopped onto to its feet and launched itself at Mareep. Its foot suddenly turned bright and swooped Mareep’s legs onto the churned up grass. The small sheep was swept off guard and fell over in pain. Fluffy sheep then rolled over in pain and squealed for help…

    These squeaks echoed into the dark alleyway where Darumaka was hid and waited to recover from its wounds. Suddenly, the fiery Pokemon got up, looked towards the battle and it became nervous because it saw Aimee. The hotheaded girl flung back her blonde hair and pointed at James.

    “Mareep use…” Aimee screeched at her Pokemon. “ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” A giant spray of flames spewed at Aimee and flinted her to the messy grass. The trainer fell onto the floor and landed on top of Mareep. The sheep Pokemon squealed in pain and fainted due to the impact of the blow.

    “What?” Chris said and wondered. Tiny volcanic, flames still blazed over the cranky trainer’s pink t-shirt, which seared small holes into her favourite clothes. Machop raised its arms and tensed its muscles, which proved its power. A red light blazed at Machop, which returned the Pokemon to its Pokeball. Aimee hopped to her feet and waddled with Mareep in her arms. She moved into the direction of the alleyway where the blazes came from… The murky alleyway shadowed by Aimee revealed Darumaka.

    “Darukaka,” Darumaka sniggered at Aimee. She returned Mareep to its Pokeball and then grabbed a nearby, metallic bin. The trainer then raised it into the warm air and smacked downwards at the fiery Pokemon because it ruined her t-shirt. BANG! The bin was forced back… There stood Chris’ Krabby who sent miniature, aquatic bubbles at the big, which shot it into a wall. James stomped towards the passageway and shadowed all of them. Suddenly a rope snapped out of nowhere and a sharp, strong cage trapped James underneath it…

    “No way,” James worried and screamed. “Help me Chris!” The strong cage was then shocked by electricity, which knocked out James to the floor. Chris and Krabby looked up at the cage and wondered what had happened. Darumaka then hid inside a pile of rubbish bags, which were covered in rotten foresk… *Banana skins. The fiery Pokemon made itself into a small sphere, egg shape to protect itself from harm. Then, suddenly a ghostly shadow walked towards the young trainer and revealed a Pokeball.

    “Krabby get ready for this,” Chris shouted. The crimson crab clanked its pincers at the mysterious trainer and waited for the battle to start. This trainer had a long, dark cloak across his whole body and wore black sunglasses. This foggy being looked like out of a horror movie and waited to kill people… However…

    “I have been awaiting more prisoners for Rushden Territory,” the character said. “Now, I have captured this pathetic girl and that puny muscular wimp. I can now press on with what I really want.” The wind turned cold and breezed through the alleyway… Bags of rubbish swooped across the rocky floor into the cold like walls… Krabby stood and waited for ghostly creep to make a move.

    “You leave them alone, and take me one!” Chris shouted and questioned. “I do not know who you are but I will unmask you!” He pointed at the mysterious trainer…. The shadowed trainer threw out a Pokeball and a burst of red light flashed to the rocky floor. Out came a Pokemon called Scizor. This Pokemon was giant, metallic red Pokemon who shined brightly and had large crimson pincers…

    “Scizor is more powerful than Krabby,” The shadowed trainer said. “Scizor use X-Scissor!”

    “Krabby quickly use Water Pulse!” Chris shouted. Scizor jumped off the ground and spread its sharp wings out, which then swooped towards the miniature crab. The insect then slashed its pincers together and sliced Krabby… Krabby then squealed and fell into the air…. It then shook off its injuries and started frothed out a pulse. A big, oceanic wheel of water gushed at Scizor. It buffed the metallic creature but did hardly any damage… Darumaka still hid in the bags of rubbish hoping to remain safe.

    “Scizor now use Tackle,” The evil trainer shouted. The metallic crab then bounced at Krabby and bashed it into the air once again. Suddenly, Scizor swung its metallic, red claw at the baby crab and it banged into the rubbish bins. Grey bins flew everywhere, and rotten rubbish flew into the air… Darumaka also flew into the air and landed next to Chris… James and Aimee were still knocked out cold from the evil trainer’s paralysis techniques… They were unaware of what was going on because they were knocked out.

    “Krabby get up,” Chris whimpered and hoped. Krabby struggled slowly to get onto its feet and shook off all of the rubbish. The small crab then gained speed and bubbled up its crimson pincers. Scizor tensed its claws at the water creature and waited for its move.

    “Ha-hahahahahahahahahah,” the evil trainer laughed. His cloak blew fiercely within the cold wind and the fiery Pokemon stood next to Chris and started to hiss. The Crabhammer attack splashed at the metal insect and it shook its head in pain. It squinted its eyes, and countered with a Metal Claw attack. Its claws materialised into a shiny metal and gleamed brightly and stabbed in the direction of Krabby. The crab barely landed onto the cold floor and then was bashed into the wall… Krabby slowly skidded down the wall fainted… small sharp stones dug down into the crab. Chris looked shocked and returned his injured crab back for a rest. Scizor looked a little tired and started too breathed heavily. This was because Crab Hammer did critical damage…

    “Go…” Chris shouted. Suddenly small embers of flames were sprayed at Chris. Darumaka intervened and wanted to defend the young trainer… The blazed Pokemon turned to Chris and nodded with a bright red face. It raged and started erupting as if a volcano was about to be unleashed. The cold air turned into a warm breeze that Scizor did not like at all. Scizor then breathed heavily whilst its trainer looked worried… Suddenly Darumaka blazed open into a giant fireball that soared towards Scizor… The metallic insect flew up into the air in a heated up into a stream of volcanic fire. The volcanic attack flared the insect into its trainer… the shadowed person’s sunglasses flew off and burnt on the floor.

    “Nooooooo!” The shadowed trainer shouted. He and his Scizor flew off into the air from another charged fire, erupted attack by Darumaka. The blazed Pokemon busted into more heated, sun like flames at the trainer and Scizor who disappeared into the hot air… but where remained a mystery… Darumaka rested on the floor and turned towards Chris with a giant frown on its face.

    “Darudaru,” it shouted. All of a sudden James’ cage dematerialised into the air because its controller disappeared away from the alleyway scene. Chris looked shocked and dusted down his yellow t-shirt…

    “You want a battle Darumaka,” Chris exclaimed. “You’ll get a battle.” Darumaka sniggered and waited for a Pokemon to be sent. Chris sent out Gastly… The black sphere Pokemon with foggy gas surrounding it hovered at Darumaka. It then spat out its ghostly tongue and slobbered at the blazed creature.

    “Nice one Gastly,” Chris cheered. Darumaka quivered in fear and covered in slobber. Then, suddenly it breathed inwards and sprayed Gastly with an Ember attack. The flames flared over the ghostly Pokemon, which bashed it into the alley walls. Small pebbles from the alley wall crushed down on foggy Pokemon’s head and smacked it to the floor. Darumaka shivered from the Lick attack it took and charged at Gastly.

    “Quickly Gastly, use Shadow Ball,” Chris shouted with confidence. Gastly then shook its sphere like head and pebbles darted to the floor. Giant, shadowed spheres appeared around the foggy Pokemon and swarmed towards the gorilla like creature. The shadows engulfed Darumaka and shadowed it into some broken bins. The broken bins clanged into the walls and crashed to the floor. The warm air smoothed over the tired Pokemon…

    “Gastly go with Sludge Bomb,” Chris pointed at Darumaka and said. Darumaka quickly hopped onto its small webbed feet and charged at Gastly. Its body fiercely sheered volcanic flames around its sphere like body and burned at the shadowy ghost. The foggy Pokemon fell into the pebbled floor and started to quiver in pain. It groaned for a moment then licked its own face away of pebbles. Gastly then levitated at Darumaka and inhaled the warm air for a moment… Large, purple balls of poison oozed at the small creature and bubbled across its fiery body… The sludgy attack gushed it onto the floor where it lay injured and struggled to get up from the floor…. Next to Darumaka was a small journal that someone had left behind… However, what did it say?

    Darumaka suddenly hopped up and started stomp towards the foggy ghost... The small fiery Pokemon picked up one of the broken bins off the rocky floor and tossed it at Gastly. A loud crashing sound bashed Gastly and knocked it into the wall... The ghost creature levitated to the floor slowly in pain whilst the blazed Pokemon fell on its back in laughter. Gastly soon shook its giant, sphere like head and pounced at Darumaka.

    "Quickly, Gastly counter attack with Thunderbolt," Chris shouted. Gastly glared at Darumaka whilst the cold wind blew across both Pokemon and little bolts of lightning flashed at the fiery Pokemon. Darumaka was zapped to the cold floor and started to breath heavily... Suddenly, James started to rub his eyes and pushed himself up off of the rocky floor and lent up against the wall. He was still stunned and could not speak for a moment. Darumaka shook off all the sweat and pain it had. Therefore, the fiery Pokemon charged at Gastly with blazing hot flames surrounding it and then flared the ghost to the floor... Gastly struggled to move and tried hard to move...

    "Gastly," Chris shouted whilst he clenched his fist. "You can do this with one more Shadow Ball!" The foggy sphere hazed up into the air and dazzled balls of tainted shadows at Darumaka. However, a blazed stream of hot lava was paced at the balls from Darumaka. The Shadow Ball attack had ended up into a meteor like blast, which exploded in the cold air... Rubbish, and Pokemon exploded everywhere... Gastly flew back into Chris and knocked him to the floor... Darumaka then flew into the wall at a fast speed and slowly slid down the rocky wall in pain. The fiery Pokemon tried to get up but laid down for another rest.

    "Ouch...“ Chris screeched in pain and then lent up. He looked over at Gastly and returned it to its Pokeball. A flash of crimson light boomed at the foggy ghost and returned it to its Pokeball. Darumaka rested on the cold, stone like floor and breathed heavily The young trainer reached out into his dark jean pockets and brought out a Pokeball. It then was tossed through the air and bashed at the fiery monkey… Darumaka was then engulfed by a powerful light and sucked into the ball. It crashed down onto the alleyway floor and started to wiggle next to the journal… once… twice…


    What happened to Aimee?
    What did the journal say?
    Will Chris and James capture Rushden territory?
    Will Darumaka be captured?
    Who was Irthlingborough’s Gym Leader?
    Who was the Scizor’s trainer?

    Last edited by Fossil Fusion; 18th May 2011 at 10:16 AM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Re: Battle for the Territory [GRADER NEEDED]

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Your story is set in what I’m imagining as a Mad Max style future where the land is ruled by gangs who fight each other for territory. What you have there, is a badass plot. Unfortunately, the story basically seems like a normal trainer story with one or two exceptions. I think you could’ve done a lot more with the plot you had set up, though what you have is acceptable for a medium level Pokemon. Also, I’ll give you a little bit of a break since you haven’t written for the URPG in three years…

    Anyways, the intro is alright. It’s basically just a summary of what the world is like now. For a longer, more complex story, this wouldn’t be the greatest way to start out, but since this is a short chapter (or even a one shot story) it’s fine. However, when you do something longer, you need to try to set the stage by SHOWING the reader what’s going on rather than telling them. Don’t tell me how fucked up the world is. Show me. Start the story out with a fierce battle between two opposing gangs. Maybe someone dies and no one cares, because it’s so normal for them. But yeah, you get my point.

    In that same vein, I would’ve liked to see some more complex characters as well. These people live in what is basically a post-apocalyptic wasteland. And they seem fine with it. I want my angst. :> Seriously, though, society is dead in this story for the most part. I want to see some reaction to that.

    Detail: Your detail is mostly good as far as physical detail goes. Try spreading it out. You have a habit of being like ‘Then there was a trainer who came out and had brown hair and green eyes and a black shirt, etc’. It looks better when you have it like ‘The dark-haired trainer stepped out from his hiding place. His green eyes were the only thing that helped him stand out in the darkness.’ Something like that. It just flows better.

    Also, tying in with that whole thing about character complexity, I want to know more about their emotions. X_X Character development. I can haz? But yeah. Been there, done that.


    emerald like
    Combine those two words together with a hyphen.

    The gang teams are fighting in Northamptonshire due to gain land.
    You don’t really need the word ‘due’ in there.

    Good work Chris
    Comma after ‘work’.

    Mostly the problems with your grammar were these kinds of things. Also, your prose is just really, really… weird. I don’t know how to describe it. Most of it isn’t technically incorrect, it just sounds odd and is kind of hard to read. Maybe try basing your prose off someone else’s to get the feel for what a lot of people do, then give it your own twist. Sometimes it helps to read parts of your story out loud, so you can hear where stuff sounds weird. Eh.

    Length: You had over double the required length. Trust me, you’re fine.

    Other: Eh, not much to say here.

    Outcome: Darumaka… captured.

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît


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