Battle of the Magikarp (graded)

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  1. #1
    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
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    Default Battle of the Magikarp (graded)

    Here's my first story:

    attempted pokemon: Magikarp
    Character count needed: 3,000-5,000
    Character count: 4,580


    Battle of Magikarp


    That Magikarp, the one i thought so lowly of in the beginning. Who knew that it would prove to be the most useful Pokemon i ever caught...


    I was in Olivine city, fishing for a Pokemon to help me surf. Yes, there were Krabby, but i wanted something else. Sadly, all i could reel in was Magikarp. Finally, i gave in. I reeled in and saw it, a Magikarp. I grabbed a pokeball off my belt and chucked it into the air. A flash of red and there stood my partner from the beginning, a Pikachu named Sparky. “Thundershock,” I said.


    Sparky closed her eyes and electricity began to form at her cheeks. She let out a cry and shot the electricity towards the Magikarp. I prepared to order another attack, but the Magikarp fainted. I grabbed another pokeball and caught the Magikarp. This was too easy. The only problem was, i already had six Pokemon. I finally selected a Stantler named Buck to send back.


    I reached into my bag and pulled out a disc. An HM that would teach the Magikarp surf. I decided to call the Magikarp fish as i called on him to come out of his pokeball. I stuck the HM to his head, but it did nothing. I was surprised, this fish pokemon couldn’t learn surf! I took my HM back jut as someone laughed. I turned around and saw a person that thought i would never meet, Red. The champion that practically lives on Mt. Silver! “I see you are having some problems there, as your Magikarp can’t learn surf,” Red said.


    Thanks for stating the obvious,” I muttered. Red smiled, then grabbed a pokeball.


    “Tell you what son, I like to take risks. If you can beat my second strongest Pokemon, Charizard, i will give you this Lapras I caught the other day. What do you say?” he asked. I nodded and smiled. I returned the Magikarp and ran across the sand.


    “I hope your ready for Butterfree!” I yelled. He just laughed and sent out Charizard. I couldn't figure out why he was laughing, until i realized the types. “Buttrfree, run!” I shouted. The Butterfly did a one-hundred and eighty decrees turn and bolted.


    “Chase it down and fire blast!” he yelled. The Charizard was faster, I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the results. I felt a heat wave, and i knew it was over before it began. I opened my eyes and lifted Butterfree’s pokeball. I grabbed a second pokeball that belonged to my Pidgeotto.


    “Use fly!” I commanded, thinking i had him. Pidgeotto flew up higher than the clouds before starting his decent. As he was coming down towards the charizrd, Red spoke.


    “Fire Blast again.” I did not know why he wanted to use that attack again untill i saw the results. It was too late for Pidgeotto to dodge, he flew head on into the attack. All that was there was a fried bird. I returned him and called upon my third Pokemon, Tauros. I figured my Tauros was about equal strength until we actually called our moves.


    “Take down!”
    “Focus punch!”


    He knew a ™, this was not good. I also knew that like Pidgeotto, it was too late for Tauros to dodge. He ran head on into the fist. Tauros crumpled the second he made impact. I recalled him and grabbed yet another pokeball. Raticate. It wasn’t a smart move, but i wasn’t thinking straight. “Hyper fang!” I yelled. Raticate ran up an opened its mouth, probably the worst thing it had ever done. Red didn’t say anything, Charizard just shot his fist right inside of Raticates mouth. Focus Blast. Instead of crumpling, Raticate flew backwards and landed at my feet. I returned him and grabbed my last pokemon. I tossed the pokeball and Sparky appeared. I hoped i had a chance.


    “Thundershock!” I yelled. The bolt of lightning flew at Charizard, but somehow Charizard dodges and flew at Pikachu. I shut my eyes, knowing that this whole battle was over. Wait, there was one pokemon left. It was weak, but i tried it anyway. “Go, Magikarp!” I shouted The fish appeared and just flopped on the ground. Red smiled.


    “This will be easy. Charizard just pick it up and drop it,” Red commanded. The Charizard picked
    up Magikarp and dropped it, but somehow Magikarp stayed alive. What happened next is crazy. Magikarp’s eyes turned red, the it’s whole body turned white. It grew and grew, becoming a Gyrados. I had a plan. I reached into my bag and pulled out an HM.


    “Use this and then use surf!” I shouted. Gyrados go the HM and instantly learned surf. Then the Serpent got a wall of water to crash on Charizrd. The water cleared, and Charizard laid unmoving.


    Red smiled and walked off. I knew why i didnt get the Lapras. I guess Magikarp’s aren’t so bad...

    Thanks :)
    Last edited by Kantomasta; 11th July 2011 at 09:32 AM.
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
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  2. #2
    abcdefg. Shozuka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle of the Magikarp (Needs a grader)

    Claimed.
    AIM: ZapPika
    URPG


  3. #3
    abcdefg. Shozuka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle of the Magikarp (Needs a grader)

    Introduction: A boy is fishing in Olivine City for a good Water Pokemon, but all he can find are Magikarps. He gives up and decides to catch one of the seemingly useless Magikarps when Red, a wellknown champion approaches him and asks for a battle.

    The introduction didn't really draw me in. When you're starting out a story you should make sure to lure the reader in and interest them enough to continue reading. Otherwise the story would just be put off and called boring. Also, I didn''t get any description of the main character at all. Besides his gender, I don't know anything about him. I don't know if he has long or short hair, if he's 10 or 15, if his eyes are brown or blue, etc. Good stories always have descriptions of the characters, the settings, and the actions that are happening in the story. Interesting stories are the ones that make the reader have a good mental image of what's going on. What you have here is a dull, non-descriptive story. I know that it's for a Magikarp but for future reference you should make sure to describe the story.

    Plot: A boy is fishing in Olivine City but all he can find are Magikarps, He decides to give up and catch one when Red approaches him and asks for a battle for his Lapras. The boy takes the deal and wins the battle with the weak Magikarp he caught. Red walks off without giving him with Lapras.

    I like the lesson that is taught from the story. Who knew that the boy's newly caught, seemingly useless Magikarp would defeat Red's massive Charizard? The lesson taught from the story is good, but reality should be put into mind when writing something like this. A newly evolved Gyarados probably can not battle and defeat a massive, strong, trained Charizard. Keep in mind for the future to be a bit more realistic. c: However, the plot itself was very very short and even though it's for an Easiest Pokemon it's not quite sufficient. You could have added a little more to the story besides the battle. Maybe you could have added a bit more of a backstory to the main character (especially since you barely described him). You should definitely use this advice for the future if you're planning on writing more stories.

    Grammar/Spelling: There was an abundant amount of typos in here. A good spellcheck would have rid of all of these. There were a few times you forgot to capitalize your I's, There were also a few instances where you skipped over vowels when you type. It's okay to do this when initially typing the story, but you should always make sure to read over your story once or twice and put it through a spell/grammar check so all of the basic things are out of the way. I also noticed a recurring mistake:

    It grew and grew, becoming a Gyrados.
    Gyrados go the HM and instantly learned surf.
    "Gyrados" should be "Gyarados".

    Also, another error I noticed was that you had a tendency to not capitalize moves like "Surf" or "Fire Blast".

    “Chase it down and fire blast!” he yelled.
    An HM that would teach the Magikarp surf.
    Specific moves like Surf and Fire Blast should always be capitalized, as they're proper nouns and are specific things. However, when writing about the actual sport of surfing it shouldn't be capitalized. Keep these things in mind for the future.

    Length: About 4500 characters, just write for Magikarps. However, if you would have added a bit more to the plot and some nice character and setting descriptions then the story would have been a bit longer. The length is nonetheless well done. [:

    Detail/Description: Like I've mentioned before, this is poor. I didn't get the slightest idea about how Red or the main character looked or where they were. The battle was the most descriptive part of the story but even then I didn't get any kind of mental image about how the Pokemon looked. Details draw the reader in and keep them reading. If you're having trouble writing good descriptions, think about your five senses. What does everything look like? As you're writing you must have a mental image of the character/setting/etc. Write that down. Are there any distinct smells where the characters are? Maybe they're in a freshly cut field of grass, so you can smell that? Just write down what you're imagining in your head and all of the details will be there.

    Battle: The battle ended up being most of the story. You described the moves in action well enough for a Magikarp but like I said earlier you didn’t describe how the Pokemon looked as they used these attacks or how they reacted as they were hit. Telling us things like this give the reader a better mental image on what’s going on. The battle was however good enough for a Magikarp and was realistic besides what I’ve already talked about before. Good job.

    Outcome: I hope you take in all of the advice I gave you rather than skim through this grade. Your story was good enough so the Magikarp was captured! I think by lots of practicing and by reading my advice you can improve a lot in your writing. Have fun with the Magikarp! c:
    AIM: ZapPika
    URPG


  4. #4
    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
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    Default Re: Battle of the Magikarp (Needs a grader)

    Thanks! I honestly didnt expect to get it as i sorta did a rushed job story. :) Ill definately consider everything you said next time.
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
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