From Bad To Worse

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    From Bad To Worse





    Today thing went from bad to worse its amazing how one minute every thing is perfect you have a family that’s loves you a beautiful home every thing you could ask for and you have it, but then just one bad thing happens and all you knew all you loved is stripped away over night its like one big nightmare the only problem is this one is real.

    Today is June 5 my mom and dad just got divorced I wish I knew why but I don’t mom left dad took us with him on top of that he has a new girl friend I guess it was to make mom jealous and came back, but it didn’t work now both of them are remarried to new people and were do me and sis come in? I don’t know.

    It now January 12 it been a long time since I had seen my mom dads wife is a jerk to me and on top of that sis is now in the hospital the doctor said that she is in a coma and might never wake up they think it was something that happen at home , but I knew better then that she was blaming her self for mom and dad getting a divorce in her mind it was all her fault because of all the trouble that was happening at school.

    Dad left the hospital to go see mom and tell her what had happen when he left I look and my little sister and right then I knew what I had to do and I had one shot to do so, I knew she could here me so I whispered into her ears that is was not her fault that mom and dad got a divorce that it was mine I was the one that made mom leave I was so much trouble that both of them could not take it anymore and that why mom left.

    Her eyes opened up what I had said work but I knew it was going to be at a heavy price she climed out of bed and just looked at me for a second then she put her hands around my neck and tried to kill me I looked into her eyes as she did it and all I saw was pure hate she wanted me dead, but I was not about to die today I pushed her off me then the doctor walked in seeing her out of bed he called a nurse in to get her back to bed then her turned to me and ask what happened and all I said to him was I was talkiing to her and she opened her eyes then got out of bed.

    The doctor left out and called my dad he came back that night with my mom they both staid the night at the hospital to make sure that sis was okay and in the morning mom left and we went back to dads house she was happy and she talked to me but when dad left she play nice that dark side came out that look of pure hate once again was on her face, when we walked to school she would hold my hand until we got out of site of dads house then she let go and left me and walked with her friends sure its hard but its worth it.

    Its March 9 I came home from school and there was a bunch of food all over the bottom of the stairs ssi was at the top of them she looked at me and said pick it up and so I did and when I was she took out a knife and dropped it over my head I looked up just in time for the knife to miss my skull, but it slashed my left eye I put my hand over my eye to help stop the bleeding I then run into the bath room got the first aid kit I put on some bandages when dad got home he asked what happen to me I told him I was playing with a knife and cut my eye.

    Dad was mad that I had done that but he didn’t do anything about it he said that I got what I deserved and to never play witha knife again his wife on the other hand yelled at me but I blew her off and walked away I didn’t care what she had to say to me I never do and I never will she is a waste of space to me, and I care nothing for her she could walked off a cliff right now and I would laugh at her as she fell to her death I know that’s mean of me to say and I try not to think like that but some times she make me mad.

    Today is June 5 again this was that day mom left I was coming home from school a thunder storm had came in over night and it was pouring down on top on me I got home I walked up to the door and tried to open it but it would not sis locked me out I walked away from the door and from my home I was going to wait until dad got back to came so instead I left to go to the arcade and play, on the way there I turned around a sis was there just starring at me with those piercing eyes I knew what she wanted to do instead she said to me “ Just die why don’t you just DIE!” it hurt to here that but that’s okay it was all okay.

    Dad got home and we all sat down to eat I was not hungry plus I knew sis had put rat poison in my food so I said I was sick and went to bed without any dinner I woke up the next day she made beakfast in our step-mother I skip breakfast to and walked to shcool when I got I could not wait for lunch I was so hungry, and when that bell went off I was the first in to get my lunch but sis walked up to when I was walking to my table and she bumpped into me and I dropped my lunch in this school one lunch is all you get you spill it to bad for you I wanted to cry but I knew I had to hold it together I had no choice but to.


    It been five years now and sis still hate me but now she does not have to hide it because we are in high school and now dad leaves for month at a time and our step-mother leaves with him. Being 17 can be nice but I still have to live with her I don’t eat anything at home anymore I ether don’t eat for 3 to 5 day or I get some money from neighbor for cleaning stuff for them like there cars or bath room all that stuff and when I get the money I go to fast food places, and it was ont so bad I like going out to eat and sis get the house most of the time so when she go’s to sleep I clime through my window some times she locks it but I have ways of getting back in.


    Today dad came home and the house was a mess he asked me what happen and I told him I threw a party but I didn’t sis did and her friends locked me out so I went to sleep outside but he didn’t know that and she was not going to say anything instead she told him she had to sleep outside, and boy did I get it dad took all my stuff away some he gave to sis and the rest he took to the dump on top of that I was to stay in my room for two month all I could do was came out to go to school and to eat other then that I got to go to the bathroom twice a day at home that was it once again I got it good, but it was still good I didn’t care i still had to do this no matter what happen to me I gad to go through with this.

    Dad is going away again this time he going to be gone for a long time but before he left he call sis’s name she came down stairs and he gave her a Pokemon its name was Cottonee it looked like cotton with a few leaf on it white and green those were the colors of this Pokemon I waited to see what dad got me, but he walked over to me and said “ I still disappointed in you son you wont be getting a gift this time until you can show me that you are responsible enough to take care of this house you wont be getting anything” then he walked out that was a low blow for me I could not believe he said that but it still okay I didn’t care about that I had to go on pain or no pain.

    Its been four weeks since dad left sis is out with her freinds playing with her new Pokemon I was still at home when the phone ringing I picked it up and it was a hospital they said dad had been in a accident his wife die on the way to the hospital and he was there already but there was a good chance he would die I had no money so I could not get there instead I went and found sis she told me to leave, but then I told he what had happen and once I did she left she got money froma friend and took a bus to go see dad I stayed home dad didn’t like me that much any ways in fact never once has he told me that he loves me can’t say I’m surprised he never wanted me he got mom pregnant and that’s why they married I guess he didn’t love her and that’s why he cheated on her, and me I stopped himfrom doing what he wanted to do but now he can and look were that got him.

    Sis came home with dad they spent the day making funeral plans I didn’t help them and they didn’t want my help so I stayed up stairs all day until dad and sis left to go see our step-aunt it was now 8:32 PM I guess dad forgot it was my berth day that hurt a little but then the phone ringed I picked it up and it was my mom she called to wish me a happy berth day and she said she sent a present to me in the mail, and I should get it in a few day hearing he voice again it made me happy more happy then I have been in a long time she could tell something was wrong with me but I said I could take care of it but the best part was when she said I could came to see her in a few weeks now that I’m 18 I still have some high school but I didn’t care if I could see my mom again I was passing this up.

    Tomorrow I go to mom house I have not told dad yet and I’m not going to now that I’m 18 I don’t have to say anything to him plus he is leaving tonight so I didn’t have to worry about that and he was going to be gone longer them me say I cool and sis does not like me so I don’t fell to bad about leaving her here, and why should I it about time I got to do something sure dad and sis are going to be mad I left to go see mom but I didn’t care about that I had two more hours until my bus took of so I packed what I could and when sis went to sleep I left I got on that bus and I didn’t look back in fact it felt good leaving that place I could relax and be my self for once.

    The bus stopped and I got off mom was waiting for me it was so good to see her again I walked up and gave he the biggest hug I could after that went to her house she got married again too and my new step-father was nice and I had two new baby brothers and a step-sister that was a year younger them me but she was cool and I loved talking to her it was nice to have some one that liked me, and I didn’t have to do a lot I just got to play eat sleep and over all enjoy my family for once sure I didn’t know most of the people but I wanted to know then and I got to over the week it was the most fun I had in a long time but it was time to go now mom took me to the bus but before I got on she looked in my and said “ I love you son” that made me fell so good to hear those words I haven’t heared them in a long time so, I told he I love her as well she told me I could came back all I had to do was call and she would make room so I could came back I wanted to ask if I could stay there but I still had to take care of sis so I got on the bus and left.

    I got homeand I walked back to the house when I walked in I didn’t see sis any were so iw alked up stairs and I saw my door open and sis was holding the letter I hid in a picture I ran into the room and took it from her I looked at he r and said “ You aren't aloud to see this!” but it was to late she had been reading the letter and that when she found out I lied to her about me being to reason mom left she looked up at me and said “ Why, why did you lie all those thing I did...” sis ran out crying I ran after her and I chased her all the way across town until she stopped she sat down on the side of the road and cried I got to her and sat down next to her she grabbed me and pulled me close before saying “ I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it I’m, sorry so sorry I’m sorry” she would not stop crying but I looked at her and said “ I don’t care about all that sis it fine you don’t have to cry” and she replied back “ No! it not okay all those things I did to you I’m sorry brother I realy am so sorry I should have never done all those things to you I understand if you hate me” I could never hate her so I told her that “ I don’t hate sis I love you you’re my sister,” “Don’t you dare you say you love me I don’t deserve it,” “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you sis” I picked her up and we both walked home when we got back her went to her room and cried her self to sleep.

    The letter that I had I hid away because it was a love letter to dad and mom found it and that’s why she left dad I never wanted sis to see that but it was to late for that I could now was be there for her when ever she needed me, the next day I got up and sis was in the kitchen she made breakfast for me I walked up and gave her a hug them we both sat down and to eat our food I could tell by the way she look at me she was done with trying to kill me she now wanted to make up for it, but I forgave her the minute she did all that stuff because that’s what you do forgive and forget let go of the past and keep moving forwards now I’ll bet some of you our thinking why did I put up with all that and if so you need to read this again because you didn’t get what I’m tell you I love my sister I love my family and there will never be a time when I stop loving them there all I have I this world and as long as there happy so am I ans I believe this is the end of this story. Good day and joy be to you all!.........


    Last edited by Black Reaper; 29th May 2012 at 09:47 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: From Bad To Worse

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    Default Re: From Bad To Worse

    @Black Reaper;

    Introduction

    Your Introduction isn't too bad, it gives us the situation and intoduces the main characters. You give us a good setting of the time and the scene. There were a few things that didn't happen with this introduction, however. The second most important thing about an introduction is the description of the characters. You didn't have any in here, and if you did the introduction would have been much better. Another good thing to put in an introduction is dialogue, especially in the opening sentence. For instance, you could have opened like this.

    "That's it! I'm leaving!" my Mother cried from the car window. Today things went from bad to worse.
    This makes a good start to your story. From there you can put in more action and description.

    Plot

    Your plot was pretty solid. It was a psychological thriller as far as I could see. It had a beginning and it slowly spiralled out of control until it resolved itself. The plot resolving itself was a bit random though, and I didn't quite understand it. Also, there was no logical explenation to why the sister hated the main character and the whole thing was a bit difficult to understand. Why did the main character even stand up for his psycho sister who was trying to kill him? Why didn't his Dad realise? The story would have been better if you had explained these things, or just simply let the whole story spiral out of control and end with a murder, this would have made for a great plot. Also, your plot moved too quickly. You just had the characters moving pretty smoothly from one scene to the next. It would have been better if you had slowed down the plot a lot and filled in the space with description.

    Another thing with your thriller was that it wasn't very thrilling. The writing style was so smooth that the reader slipped from one scene to the next and there was no tension. Take an example of a good thriller, The Woman in Black. The main plot is over three days but it's an amazingly tense book. There isn't a lot of action but there's a lot of plot and a lot of description. If you had just had this story over a shorter time period and had less plot it would have been a lot better.

    Description

    There wasn't much description here, which is a mistake if you want to write a horror/psychological story. These sorts of books revolve around description, which gives the reader a great image in their minds and makes the story a lot more tense and a whole lot better. The only character that we have any description of is the briefly appearing Cottonee, who is by far one of the less important characters. What does the narrator look like? What do his parents do for a living? What does his sister look like? Describe some of her expressions. Without any description, no matter how good your plot or grammar is, your story will fall apart, especially with horror stories. It doesn't even need to be in huge chunks. For instance, all that you need is something like this:

    "Just die! Why don't you just DIE!" my sister shouted, a livid expression on her pale face. She wasn't that tall, just under five foot tall, but she looked menacing.
    That by itself starts to give us a picture of the narrator's siter. It isn't much, but if you add description throughout the story, which is a good tactic for horror and psychological stories, then you should be able to give your reader the right picture in their head. The most frustrating thing for a writer is having readers get the wrong impression of their characters, but it's even more frustrating for a reader to have to remake their characters when you put your first description in halfway through the book, so start at the introduction, like I said, and work from there.

    When you do describe, it's not bad at all. Let me show you what you wrote for Cottonee:

    it looked like cotton with a few leaf on it white and green those were the colors of this Pokemon
    This is a really good start for your description! Just keep on going like this and you'll have excellent descritions.

    Grammar

    There were quite a few grammar errors in this story. You had two really big ones, which I'm going to start on.

    Quite a lot of the time you jumped between tenses. First you put:

    he walked out.
    But you continued with:

    Tomorrow I go to mom house.
    You should always decide on what tense you're going to use at the beginning and stick with it. Never change what tense you're using.

    Your second big mistake was your sentece structure. You kept on carrying on sentences, like here:

    Sis came home with dad they spent the day making funeral plans I didn't help them and they didn't want my help so I stayed up stair all day until dad and sis left to go see our step-aunt it was now 8.32 AM I guess dad gorgot is was my berth day that hurt a little but then the phone ringed I picked it up and it was my mom she called to wish me a happy berth day and she said she sent a present to me in the mail, and I should get it in a few day hearing he voice again it made me happy...
    I haven't seen a single full stop yet, and there should have been many already. You have to put a full stop after every sentence, like this:

    Poly walked the dog.
    That's a perfectly fine sentence with a full stop at the end of it. If you don't want to end a sentence then use a semi-colon.

    You also made quite a few other mistakes.

    Today thing[] went from bad to worse
    If you are describing something in general, like things, It should be in the plural. So you should have written:

    Today things went from bad to worse.
    Next, you said:

    but I don't [] [m]om left [d]ad,
    You should have put in a comma where my brackets are. Also, things like "Mum" and "Sir" should always have a capital letter at the start. So your sentence should look like this:

    but I don't, Mom left Dad
    Here, you put

    they both [staid] the night
    The correct spelling for this is stayed.

    To continue, here you said:

    I [ether] don't eat for 3 to 5 [day].
    You should have put either and days where the brackets are. So the sentence should have looked like this:

    I either don't eat for 3 to 5 days
    Next, you said:

    It [was ont] so bad.
    You should have written the word wasn't, and the sentence would have looked like this:

    It wasn't so bad.
    You made a repeated mistake here, so I'll only mention it once, for here you put:

    it was my [berth day]
    The correct spelling of the word is birthday.


    There were quite a few other small errors like this, but I think that you get the jist.


    Dialogue

    You didn't put much dialogue in, which is often good for a horror story. What you wrote was good, but the problem was that your grammar wasn't quite up to scratch.

    The first thing that you need to remember is to use a new line for a new speaker. This is an important rule as it also helps to make the dialogue more readable. So where you put:

    “ I don’t care about all that sis it fine you don’t have to cry” and she replied back “ No! it not okay all those things I did to you I’m sorry brother I realy am so sorry I should have never done all those things to you I understand if you hate me” I could never hate her so I told her that “ I don’t hate sis I love you you’re my sister,” “Don’t you dare you say you love me I don’t deserve it,” “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you sis”
    You should have spaced it out, and put:

    “ I don’t care about all that sis it fine you don’t have to cry” and she replied back

    “ No! it not okay all those things I did to you I’m sorry brother I realy am so sorry I should have never done all those things to you I understand if you hate me” I could never hate her so I told her that

    “ I don’t hate sis I love you you’re my sister,”

    “Don’t you dare you say you love me I don’t deserve it,”

    “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you sis”
    Also there were some errors with the punctuation. I'm going to use this block as the example. The rule for punctuation is quite strange if you don't know it. If your speech is followed by something like "he said" or "they replied" and you aren't using a question mark or an exlamation mark, then you use a comma. The word following the speech, unless it's a name or otherwise capitalised, begins with a lower case letter, even if it is following a question mark. To give you an example sentence, here's what you might put.

    "Good morning, Mary," John called.

    "What's for dinner tonight?" she asked
    Notice that I've put in a comma and where there was a question mark I put lower case letters after it.

    However, if you do not have an indicator of speech (i.e. "he said"), with the afforementionned exceptions, you use a full stop. This time the word following has capitals. To give you an example:

    "Stop it, Roger!" She turned away and started to run, but it was too late.
    See that we don't know who said the dialogue, and the next word begins with a capital. So, now that that is sorted, let's go back to your sentence:

    “ I don’t care about all that sis it fine you don’t have to cry.And she replied back:

    “ No! it not okay all those things I did to you I’m sorry brother I realy am so sorry I should have never done all those things to you I understand if you hate me.” I could never hate her so I told her that

    “ I don’t hate sis I love you you’re my sister.

    “Don’t you dare you say you love me I don’t deserve it.

    “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you sis."
    Every time here there is a full stop, as you haven't put any indicators of speech.

    Other

    There was one other problem with your story. Cottonee, the Pokémon that you are catching, was barely featured. This is a Medium Capture, and you need to have the Pokémon that you are featuring appear more than in a cameo. The story was pretty plausible though, and it has good potential.


    Verdict

    Cottonee Not Captured. The plot was there for this story, but you lacked the description to make it really gripping, and the grammar to make it work properly. Work on both of these things and VM/PM me for a re-grade when you're ready. This story has great potential, but there are just too many errors and not enough description. Also, make that Cottonee appear more than just as a present to the narrators sister.
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

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