A Bad Wish (ready for grading)

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Thread: A Bad Wish (ready for grading)

  1. #1
    whee! pikapika86's Avatar
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    Default A Bad Wish (ready for grading)

    This is my first story. I hope I pass!
    Pokemon wanted: Caterpie
    Difficulty Level: Easiest
    =================================================================

    The morning forest seemed to be quiet and peaceful, but if one stayed quiet and concentrated hard enough, then they would be able to hear all of the sounds echoing about, smell the aroma lingering in the air, and see everything that was going on. They could see mice scampering across the lush undergrowth, their violet-hued fur rustling. There were mice in the trees, too, their yellow fur and distinct lightning bolt tail standing out as they squeaked to each other while munching on berries. In the trees, you could see tan owls with brown wings sleeping in their holes, looking very dignified, as if someone could snatch their pride away in a flash. Occasionally, one would see groups of purple butterflies, fluttering their graceful wings in flight. But more commonly, one would see the many other insects and creatures that made their home in the serene forest.

    And they might see this. A green caterpillar with yellow rings, curled up in its sleep. Its red antennae swayed softly in the wind as it started uncurl itself. It started to stretch its body on the branch it was standing on, as its underside reveals a bright yellow underbelly and four little feet. Its eyes slowly begin to open. The caterpillar stopped suddenly, blinked, then finally opened its eyes wide. It looked around, and it decided that the first thing it was going to do was...eat some leaves on the branch it was standing on.

    “Caterpie, caterpie,” it chirped after a couple of poor leaves were eaten away, one big chomp after another, until the big mass of green only seemed to be little slivers of color. The one who ate the former greenery was a growing Caterpie.

    However, the Caterpie wished to be something different. Every day seemed to be the same routine; it would wake up, chomp on leaves, take a nap, chomp on some more leaves, take another nap, chomp on even more leaves, then go to sleep. Every day since it hatched from its egg had been the same, boring, and everyday routine. But this Caterpie wanted something more. It wanted excitement, adventure, something that would distinguish each day from the last one.

    But it didn’t want too much excitement. Sometimes it saw pale creatures with arms and legs, and bags with straps around their shoulders, and they usually meant trouble. Why? Because they carried with them small red and white spheres, and the spheres would sometimes open to reveal either an orange lizard with a yellow underside and a flame on the end of its tail, a blue turtle who squirted water, or a green four-footed thing with a bulb on its back. Sometimes, it saw the inhabitants of the forest being battled and then absorbed with a red light by the mysterious spheres. Sometimes they came back out; sometimes they were never seen again.

    This Caterpie did not want to be inside one of those spheres; they seemed to be very scary. Plus, it couldn’t decide which of the mysterious creatures were the scariest. The orange lizard could blow out fire, and fire was scary enough for it. The blue turtle mysteriously bubbled out water, the same stuff it drank from leaves every morning. And the green bulb-carrying thing could release some kind of silvery-green powder, and if the victim inhaled it, they would fall asleep. It didn’t want anything to have to do with them, because then it would be a big overdose of excitement.

    One day, Caterpie was crawling along a tree branch when it suddenly heard a whoosh! That sound meant that a Pidgeotto was going to swoop down and try to catch it! Instinctively, Caterpie loosened its grip on the branch and quickly crawled down to the underside of it. Luckily, the timing of the reaction was accurate, and the Pideotto flew away, bickering to itself about being too slow to catch its meal.

    Unfortunately, in its haste Caterpie had forgotten to place the lifeline piece of silk its kind uses, and poor Caterpie fell down to the forest floor. Fortunately for the tiny bug, it landed on some spongy moss, and the impact wasn’t as bad than if the moss had not been growing there.

    After a moment of initial shock, the Caterpie realized that it needed to get back up onto the tree if it was to take a nap or do anything else. Right then, a horde of Ratatta suddenly ran past Caterpie. Soon the horde was followed by rustling in the trees, then a pack of Pikachu revealed themselves as they hurried in the same direction, with a clear look of fear in their eyes. Before the Caterpie knew it, it heard the sound of...footsteps. Crunch, crunch, crunch; the sound of leaves crackling under some feet. Caterpie knew that it should hurry away from the sound like everyone else was doing, but it was too scared to move. Then, the footsteps revealed to be one of the pale creatures, along with the orange lizard, and, even worse, there was a bulb-backed thing with them, too.

    Caterpie stared in shock. If the pale creature with the Pokemon was bad enough, the pale creature had spotted it, and sent forward the bulb back. Caterpie had no choice but to battle.
    Caterpie tried to spit out its silk in a String Shot attack, but the bulb back was faster. It whipped a vine onto the poor bug before it even had a chance! Then, Caterpie got hit with a full-on Tackle attack. Caterpie had no chance to retaliate, as it was too weak to move. The pale creature saw this, and pulled out something that made Caterpie even more desperate to move, a red and white sphere. The pale one threw it at Caterpie as it squirmed in despair. It felt its freedom disappearing as it got absorbed into the sphere. Resistance was futile now. Caterpie was caught in the sphere.

    Caterpie was in total despair. It didn’t want to be taken away from its home; it didn’t want to leave so early. Now, it regretted wishing for more adventure. If this was going to be more adventure, then it couldn’t handle it. Why did the pale creature want to catch it? Caterpie wished that it was accidentally knocked out instead. Then it wouldn’t have to travel in this crummy sphere. It couldn’t see anything at all. Caterpie wondered why it even thought of adventure, and of what horror lay ahead of it as its new trainer moved on into the forest.

    The End

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Bad Wish (ready for grading)

    Hey, welcome to the URPG and sorry for the wait! I'm here to grade your story now, though, and I can tell you that I am most pleased by your writing.

    First of all, I liked the introduction to your story. Not only does it describe the forest very nicely, it also innovatively tells the reader, with a good bit of detail, what the various Pokémon look like, without naming them.
    The very nice detail and descriptions persist throughout your story, making it-- in that respect-- significantly better than the minimum requirement for an Easiest catch. Many authors, not just beginners, forget completely to add so much description, so this is definitely a good thing for your prospects. Kudos!
    I like how you wrote the entire story from the perspective of the Pokémon. It's an innovative and effective style, and works very well to 'spice up' the story despite how short it is. Speaking of which, the story is 6,155 characters long, which is perfectly acceptable given the 3,000-character minimum requirement for an Easiest catch.
    As far as grammar and spelling are concerned, your writing is practically flawless.
    The following are just my usual nitpicking; They're errors that don't impact your story at all, honestly, so please just take them as minor reminders. ^_^
    Quote Originally Posted by pikapika86
    And they might see this. A green caterpillar with yellow rings, curled up in its sleep. Its red antennae swayed softly in the wind as it started uncurl itself. It started to stretch its body on the branch it was standing on, as its underside reveals a bright yellow underbelly and four little feet. Its eyes slowly begin to open. The caterpillar stopped suddenly, blinked, then finally opened its eyes wide. It looked around, and it decided that the first thing it was going to do was...eat some leaves on the branch it was standing on.
    I'd like to point that you used the present tense for those two (bolded) verbs alone, despite the rest of the story being in the simple past tense.

    Luckily, the timing of the reaction was accurate, and the Pideotto flew away, bickering to itself about being too slow to catch its meal.
    I'm pretty sure it's impossible to 'bicker' to oneself, so 'muttering to itself' or 'chirping disgruntledly to itself' might work better. This might be subjective, though, so feel free to ignore this one.

    Quote Originally Posted by pikapika86
    Fortunately for the tiny bug, it landed on some spongy moss, and the impact wasn’t as bad than if the moss had not been growing there.
    ...the impact wasn't as bad as (it would have been) if the moss had not been growing there.
    The 'it would have been' is more grammatically correct but optional.

    Quote Originally Posted by pikapika86
    Then, the footsteps revealed to be one of the pale creatures, along with the orange lizard, and, even worse, there was a bulb-backed thing with them, too.
    The footsteps revealed themselves to be... I think this is just a typo-ish thing, where you forgot to add the word.

    Again, all of the above are simply nitpicks and are certainly not major enough to merit 'marking you down.' It's clear that you have a strong grasp of the English language and a good ability to express what you're trying to say through your writing. ^_^
    Finally, the battle: Short but effective. It's intended to be a bit of a curbstomp anyways, am I right? =P This is about the usual an Easiest catch, though you'll be expected to write a more interesting and detailed battle for higher difficulties of catch. =)

    Result: Caterpie is CAUGHT.
    I feel sorry for the poor thing... :( But I'm sure you'll be a good Trainer, and will soon make friends with the little guy. xD
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 1st May 2010 at 01:35 PM.
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