the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

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    Techno Pussy Fawkes.'s Avatar
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    Default the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

    this is my first attempt at Story capturing, so critique is welcome: This is the first part of what will be a series

    PART 1

    The engine came to halt at the barricade as a broad, stoic man, booming with a sense of authority, in blue attire approached the vehicle, He tilted his sunglasses downwards, so as to get a clearer view of the vehicle. He put on a smug look and gently tapped the window, waving his hand down He signalled the driver inside to reveal himself; at this gesture the tinted black window began its descent into the door frame stopping halfway down , giving the officer a clear enough view of inside without wasting the effort of holding down the button any longer.

    “I.D. and necessary documents please,” the official asked in a calm manner, scanning his eyes over our surroundings at the same time.

    “Sure officer, Gimme a sec,” the driver leaned over onto the passengers side brushing past the long Red and black fur of the adjacent seats occupant, reaching into the compartment his hand swept across the insides until he felt his target.

    “There you go,” he said as he presented it “hope everything’s in order, sir,”. The official studied it vigorously, Daniel Harding, date of birth: 11th of July 1992, brown hair, similar facial features, everything checked out, much to the officials dismay who seemed to be bored of the slow business day.

    “Okay, sir you may go on, but beware of...well, I’m sure you’re well aware of current circumstances,Anything that happens from this point until the city can be held at your own risk, be careful,” at this warning the engine began to rev, releasing charcoal fumes, Daniel said nothing in reply only nodded silently, and begun to raise the window theoretically relinquishing The officer from sight, even if He could see a slightly tinted official in the corner of his eye. As soon as the barricade was no longer in his way, The engine shot into life, leaving the Official to his boring Dayjob.

    Daniel was well aware of the current circumstances facing the country, it was well known that the government was fighting a losing war against Criminal syndicates that use Pokemon to commit crimes. For the first few months these activities had gone unnoticed by the public, but in the past few months the government have been unable to hide it any longer from the public and have enforced security measures around the country. It was a worrying time for the people as distrust has spread among them regarding the need for Pokemon, some defend the fact that they are trusted partners that mean no harm and are only like that due to the criminal minders, while others have come to believe they are tools of destruction that cannot be controlled and should stay wild. The government wishing not to disappoint anyone simply labeled these syndicates as terrorists simply as a way to associate fear with these groups. However it may also prove to be a name simply labelled on them to justify the actions The government plan to do in retaliation

    However Daniel wasn’t worried of the current circumstances, the only thing on his mind was home, ever since he left for college he has only been able to return home a fortnight every educational semester, and this return was going to be important, he was going to take his younger brother out to catch his first Pokemon, it was a kind of family tradition where the father takes the son out to catch their first Pokemon, although He himself never did experience this tradition, but Daniels father had left to take on Gyms around the world, at least that's what his mum had told him, but he had no problem taking his fathers place. As he was driving further down the road he heard whimpers next to him, he looked to his left in order to respond to his passenger, Holden his Growlithe was scratching at the window, The teen knew what he was wanting, he was wanting to stick his head out of the window but he was reluctant to do so as cleaning out his fur from flies and leaves had always been a pain, another whimper and some puppy dog eyes, he soon succumbed to Holden’s charms and opened his window. Holden had always been with Daniel ever since he was given to him as an egg five years ago by his father who decided that... his train of thought was disrupted by the canine suddenly withdrawing his head from the window and lower his head between his front paws, giving off barely inaudible whimpers. They instantly realized what had made Holden uncomfortable, coming up on the right was another police patrol in the middle of a battle with a man dressed in black, with a red letter on his back, indistinguishable from this distance, they both knew what was happening but they chose to ignore it, the only thing they could do, these sightings are getting far more frequent, they both knew what it meant, the terrorists were getting closer to the inner city but Daniel brushed the worry off; the next few weeks was a time for relaxation not anxiety and so they continued on course. They still had a few hours of travel left but Daniel felt the need to stretch his legs so he pulled up at the nearest rest stop and took Holden out for a walk.

    “Come on Holden,” beckoned Daniel, patting his lap gently. Holden always was lazy so it was no surprise to Daniel that he didn’t follow straight away, so deciding to use some reverse psychology Daniel had turned his back and continued into the neighboring forest pretending not to care and leaving Holden behind in the car. Looking over his shoulder as he walked away, he saw Holden nudge the car door closed with his head and run ahead of him sniffing at the ground inspecting every new thing he came across weaving in out of the man-made trail. At the end of the beaten trail they found a river bank swimming with various water Pokemon, it was here Daniel decided that he should rest, he took off his jacket and backpack and laid it just to the left of him leaving Holden alone to play with the local Pokemon. The forest was quiet, a difference compared to the usual rustle and bustle that the native Pokemon to here create but Daniel liked it like this, but in a way it also made Daniel upset as it reminded him of What a world filled with Pokemon should be like, a quiet and harmonious environment where Pokemon and humans live peacefully, a far cry from the violence brought on the city by Terrorists using Pokemon as tools of power, Knowing this was a chance to relax Daniel forgot all about current events, and focused on the peaceful; his ears tuned in to the splashing water created by the lake Pokemon, the chirps that bellowed out of the tree tops and the playful cries of the Pokemon. In his own little day dream Daniel had not realized That Holden was nudging his leg, slightly annoyed that he was disturbed by his self created euphoria Daniel sat up and looked to Holden.

    “What is it?” Daniel asked slightly annoyed. Holden raised his paw in the air twice, a sign that Daniel had now come to Associate with Hunger and now that his thoughts were on food he felt slightly hungry as well, now that he thought about it they hadn’t ate since seven this morning and it was now two in the afternoon.

    Nodding to Holden he turned to reach for his bag for some food but was surprised at what he saw, his jacket moving as if possessed, what if it was a ghost Pokemon? Daniel remembered he never was good with ghost Pokemon, ever since an incident with a Gastly when he was young, his cheeks felt slightly paralysed at the thought of the ordeal but he ignored it and put it down to slight hysteria, intrigued but slightly scared Daniel approached it unaware of the cause until he was standing over the jacket. At this point Holden was aware of the mystery too and had taken a defensive stance by Daniels side growling softly but harshly, Daniel raised his hand up to Holden as if to say “I’ve got this,” cautiously Daniel lowered on to one knee, bent over and grabbed the deep red jacket by the collar, underneath was a small Pokemon draped in a slightly dirty but still shining iron armour gnawing at something held in between it's stubby legs. An Aron? Daniel looked down on the Looking into it's Teal eyes and noticed that it's metal plating had been damaged, The Single spike on it's back had been chipped, Daniel thought about why one would be here but at that thought he remembered mining had begun in the nearby Iron mountains for resources to aid the fight against 'them'. The poor thing must have fought the Miners and ended up been driven from his home now that his main food source had been usurped by the government.

    “Can’t believe i thought that was a ghost,” he laughed to himself, The Aron squinted at Daniel, “you’re just a lit...wait, what’s that?” focusing his eyes on the Aron's tiny mouth, he could see small metal objects dangle from his mouth, His car keys, it had become apparent to Daniel that the Aron must’ve been searching for food and thought his jacket would have been a good place to look. This was bad for Daniel, if that Aron ate his keys, he won’t be able to get home, knowing this Daniel approached the Pokemon carefully gradually inching himself towards it “easy Aron, just give me the keys,” however, mere inches away, the Pokemon bolted into the woods along with his ticket home as fast as it's stubby little legs could take it.

    “Holden, chase him,” Daniel barked, and as quickly as it had been said Holden was off vanishing into the forests swiftly after. Picking his bag and jacket up he went in the forest to keep track of his Pokemon. Now the forest wasn’t the same as the forest Daniel had experienced before, Holdens chase had awoken the forest life, Pidgey and Taillow were taking to the skies and nearby Pokemon were abandoning their nests to avoid the frantic chase. “Holden!” Daniel shouted trying to gauge his Pokemons position, nothing came back, “Holden!” He shouted again this time a bark was heard from behind him, he backtracked through the foliage to an open area where Holden had cornered the Aron. emerging from the forest Daniel realised he was at the bottom of a small cliff, the face made rough by the various rock formations jutting out of it, reaching at least 100 metres up.

    “Thats enough Holden, you can stop now,” Daniel said calmly “we only want the keys Aron, we won’t hurt you,” Daniel Gradually edged himself closer to Aron trying not to make the same mistake as last time as his eyes were locked with the Aron raising his hands in an almost surrendering-like manner trying to reassure the small Pokemon. However being pushed from his home had clearly caused this Aron to be on the edge. Aron closed his eyes, Daniel instantly knew what Move Aron had used and tried to back off but it was too late, Arons eyes opened. Aron used Metal Burst. Shards of transparent Iron had shot in a three-sixty axis off the Aron, firing in all directions

    Daniel opened his eyes, he had been knocked back into a nearby bush, everything was blurry but he could faintly see Holden, He was in his Battle stance. Realizing what has to be done now Daniel managed to produce few sounds.

    “Holden, Flare Blitz!” he looked towards the puppy making sure he had heard the weak command. The Small canine started racing towards the Aron, a few meters from the steel Pokemon and Holden becomes completely engulfed in flames, with a few wicks of flames kicking away and burning nearby foliage, however the Aron had jumped onto the rocks behind it causing Holden to continue charging into the rocks causing more recoil than usual, the flames died away, revealing the injured Holden “dam it,” Daniel said righting himself, he called out in annoyance “Holden you okay boy?” the puppy Pokemon stood up and gave Daniel a reassuring growl then looked up at the Aron which was giving off a slight squeal as if it were laughing at Holden.

    “Come on Holden it’s laughing at us, Flamethrower!” Holden breathed in a giant wave of air then let out a continuous stream of Flames that tore through the rocks and finally hitting its target. For the first few minutes there was no sign of the Aron, assuming it to have fainted Daniel climbed the rocks to retrieve the Keys, once at the top Daniel was struck by a small silver projectile Shooting from the rubble almost knocking him down 20 feet to the ground, “Ugh, Rock Head,” he muttered to himself sprawled on the ground, He could see The Aron had rebounded off his chest causing him to travel through the air, It became apparent that the Arons movement had caused it to drop in the direction of Daniel, not wanting to be crushed by the surprisingly heavy Pokemon, Daniel rolled to the left. The Aron hit the ground hard, Daniel turned his back to the small Pokemon in an attempt to shield himself from the the dust created by the impact.

    Sitting himself up, clutching his battered chest He called out, “Holden, Flamethrower!” the Growlithe let out a growl in agreement but as soon as that was done an ear-clenching sound rang through the air, the Aron used Metal Sound, Daniel had to sacrifice pressure to his chest for protection to his ears.

    “Right come on Holden, lets finish this use agility to get close to it,” Holden shook it's head shaking off the effects of Metal Sound once recovered Holden bolted towards the Aron, bouncing back and forth from the platforms jutting from the cliff face, the canine was a blur getting closer to Aron at every jump, within seconds Holden was right next to Aron.

    “Fire Fang, now quickly!” Daniel shouted up and at this order it was over, The fiery dogs incisors had sparked in a burst of flames allowing them to easily pierce the toughened shell of Aron, the fiery incisors cut through the armour like a knife through butter hitting the Aron in it's soft skin . The Aron collapsed to the ground weakened by Holdens Attack, Daniel crawled over to his bag, still clutching his chest and grabbed a ball, Holden arrived at Daniels side trying to Nudge him up onto his feet, one thing left to do...

    target pokemon = Aron
    Target length = 10-20k
    actual length = 13.3k
    Last edited by Fawkes.; 27th May 2011 at 05:10 PM. Reason: you'll shit bricks

  2. #2
    Techno Pussy Fawkes.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

    edited for improvement
    Last edited by Fawkes.; 27th May 2011 at 07:16 AM.

  3. #3
    Techno Pussy Fawkes.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

    Edited again for increased character count

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    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Re: the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

    Introduction & Plot: The introduction seemed fine to me. It was a good plot as well. The criminal syndicate part made me think of Team Rocket/Magma/Aqua or whatever. That is because that is the reality of the Pokemon world and I can see it happening more often. Therefore, why not again? I loved the emotion and friendship between Daniel and Holden it reminds me of a real life partnership of a dog. <3 Pokemon are tools afterall! I liked the idea of how Aron suddenly stole your car keys... It was different compared to "Omg, I am a stoopid trainer and I go to a forest. Oh look a Weedle. Go Ball gg."


    Grammar:
    I suggest proof reading again or reading out aloud to yourself. This is because I found missing little words and so forth... this made the sentences not make sense and a little difficult to read. DID YOU USE MS.WORD!?

    Speech Marks and Commas lesson! :P

    “I.D. and necessary documents please,” the official asked in a calm manner, scanning his eyes over our surroundings at the same time.
    This was orginally what you kept doing is missing out commas. A comma on a first part of a dialogue speech should be before the last speech marks. This is the same with full stops too that you placed after speech marks.

    Some of your paragraphs were full of commas and 1 full stop... Example:

    However Daniel wasn’t worried of the current circumstances, the only thing on his mind was home, ever since he left for college he has only been able to return home a fortnight every educational semester, and this return was going to be important, he was going to take his younger brother out to catch his first pokemon, it was a kind of family tradition where the father takes the son out to catch their first pokemon, although Daniel never did experience this tradition, but Daniels father had left to take on Gyms around the world, at least that's what his mum had told him, but Daniel had no problem taking his fathers place.
    This hurt my eyes! You should add more full stops in here. This would make the passage easier to read. Similarly, you used the name "Daniel" a lot too in this passage. Maybe substitute some of the names with "The boy" or add a little description to what kind of trainer he is instead. Like "The short youngster trainer.." However, this paragraphy was clumped together with another passage too. Fawkes, you gotta split up your paragraphs into smaller ones, because it makes it easier to read. Always make a new paragraph on a new Subject, Location, Idea, or Dialogue. Personally, when I write stories. If I feel it's too big. I throw in a random dialogue sentence to split it up.

    Spelling corrections: ghastly - > Gastly and capital letter please. It is a name for a reason!
    tailow -> Taillow

    Apostrophes for somebody using something is needed. For example. You used: "Holdens Attack." It should be:
    Holden's attack.
    Detail: Some of it was okay in some places. But, some places lacked any detail at all. Personally, I believe you can do better than this because a story always needs details. You should describe Pokemon, the location, characters emotions/appearances more effectively.

    ...Daniel lowered on to one knee, bent over and grabbed the jacket, underneath was a small metallic
    What Colour was the jacket? Now, if I was not a Pokemon fan and I read this. I would not know what an Aron looked like. Surely, you could come up with something better.

    Daniel lowered on to one knee, and then bent over. He slowly grabbed his bright, crimson jacket, which dusted off the foggy dust that encased it. Suddenly, a tiny, metallic Pokemon squinted underneath it. This Pokemon was an Aron! It had giant, oceanic eyes and four small pointed stubbed feet that walked slowly towards Daniel. Aron also had a strong, spiked back for protection along with its powerful steel back.

    Something like that or anything better. It needs more detail to paint pictures for the reader. You can do it Fawkes.

    Battle: The battle was ok. Just lacked descriptions. I felt that using Holden too much other than Growlithe or the fiery puppy... Or something similar along those lines would of made it more exciting than "Holden" did this. "Holden did that." Please, split your battle up into more paragraphs because that would make more sense and easier to read as well. Maybe, everytime you call out a new attack you could make a new paragraph.

    "Holden, use Flamethrower," Daniel shouted. (Add attacks and Aron attacks heres)

    "Holden! Are you okay?" Daniel said with a worried look. (Add attack etc here)

    It is just to split it up Fawkes. Or just seems like a run on bore otherwise. I used to do this in my first stories! So, don't feel bad for doing it. Just improve it! :)

    Please capitlise your attacks! o.O

    Flare Blitz and Fire Fang

    Length: Seemed fine for an Aron I suppose.


  5. #5
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Re: the Aron problem - (Ready for grading)

    Regrade Time!

    Much better improvements on your Dialogue and capitalizations! Good work here. Your detail and paragraphs got better too. Good work. You could of expanded on the battle's details. But this time I will let you off since it's your first story. Congrats Fawkes. I hope you improve everything next time for a new story.

    Outcome: Aron Caught!
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
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