Another Day At The Office [Ready For Grading][Welcome Comments]

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Another Day At The Office [Ready For Grading][Welcome Comments]

  1. #1
    Registered User -Apollo-'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    England
    Posts
    2,370
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Another Day At The Office [Ready For Grading][Welcome Comments]

    Target Pokemon: Slakoth (Simple)
    Estimated Length: 5k – 10k
    Actual Length : 6:813


    I could think straight in this heat. It had been the hottest all year and it was mid June. They predicted that it would be hotter later on in the week. I grabbed a piece of cloth and wiped my sweaty face. I hated hot days but I guess Zippy loved them. I looked in the corner of my room and Zippy was lying their enjoying the heat. I wish I had a water Pokemon to cool me down. I sighed and continued studying the piece of text right in front of me.

    I was a Pokemon researcher and I had been given the task to revise a certain number of Pokemon abilities. I scrolled down the list and read the information. I still wonder why I joined to become a researcher, when I was a child my father had already chosen my fate. I couldn’t play physical games and the only challenging game I could play was Chess. I put down my piece of paper and then looked out into the local town. I saw children playing in the street, mini Pokemon battles. I sighed and looked at my watch,

    “Another 3 more hours till I can go home” I said with very little effort

    I looked over at Zippy and saw him yawn. I guess he was getting tired to. As I looked at my notes I heard a knock on the door. I looked up to find the Head Researcher. He was pretty small with white hair. He had glasses and a big bowler hat. I noticed that he was holding a folder with big red words “Classification”

    “Joe, There has been a problem with experiment 602. He has broken out of the building and headed towards the nearby forest” explained the Head Researcher.

    “Experiment 602?” I replied puzzled

    “Read the folder and head out to the vans” said the Head Researcher. He dropped the folder on my desk and quickly walked out. I bent down to read the folder. I opened it up and then suddenly I realized what Experiment 602 was.

    I quickly headed towards the place where the vans were kept. On the way I grabbed some keys from the gatehouse and continued to the vans. As soon as I reached the car park, I quickly got in the van and drove out of the car park.

    The woods were about 10 minuets away if you running or walking and 5 minuets if you were driving. I looked ahead and saw a sign post to the Woods. I thought to myself, If Experiment 602 started to cause trouble it would be very hard to stop it. I suddenly noticed a trail of food leading to the forest. I decided to follow the trail of food and hope that it would lead to Experiment 602.

    Within minuets I was outside the woods, I couldn’t go any further in the van because the shrub was getting a bit deep. I hoped out of the van and continued to follow the trail of food. I hadn’t been into this forest before because I wasn’t a fan of bug Pokemon. I noticed on my right was a swarm of Beedril feeding from some honey. Watching them gave me the shivers. I noticed ahead of me was a huge opening.

    As I walked towards this opening I noticed that there was a sleeping Pokemon ahead of me. I carefully walked up to it trying not to wake it up. As I was walking up to it I noticed that it was a sleeping Munchlax. I looked around and saw a pile of food.

    “Aww man, I followed a trail of food leading to a sleeping Munchlax” I kicked the toadstool which the Munchlax was sleeping on.

    Suddenly, as I was walking away from the sleeping Munchlax, I heard a cry from behind me. I looked around and saw the Munchlax standing on the toadstool. I grabbed something from its mouth. It held it in his hands and a glow started to immerge. It jumped in the area and a huge beam appeared from his hands. I saw the beam come straight at me and as it was instinct I dodge the beam by diving on the floor. I quickly got up and ran further in the forest so I wouldn’t annoy the Munchlax any more.

    I stopped to catch my breath, “I hope I lost that Munchlax, I still haven’t found Experiment 602, it’s also getting dark” I sat down on a tree stump and sighed. Maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a researcher. As I looked up into the sky I noticed a silhouette swinging in the trees. I remembered that Experiment 602 rarely moves about and that it spends most of its time asleep. I noticed its shape and knew that it was Experiment 602. I started to follow it. I kept looking up to see where it would make a turn or move. The suddenly it stopped and reached a watering hole. It landed and started to drink from the watering hole.

    “Experiment 602, you need to come back to the lab, your still needed to do tests” I asked the Pokemon

    “Slakkkk” replied the Slakoth

    I noticed that Slakoth didn’t want to come back to the Lab, I mean if I was a Pokemon I wouldn’t want to either. I heard a familiar sound and it happened to be my cool funky ring tone.

    “Hello, Joe speaking…… You want to abort Experiment 602? …….. I understand Sir”

    I turned to Slakoth, who looked very happy outside. It then moved closer to me and started to sniff around me. It sniffed my bag then pawed it. I opened up my bag and Slakoth reached in and grabbed a Sitrus Berry and started to eat it.

    “You like it? Wow you must be hungry” I said. I noticed above me was a Sitrus Tree and it had Sitrus berries hanging off. I reached up and picked a few from the branch.
    “Here you go, enjoy” I knelt down and handed the berries to the young Slakoth. “Well there is some good news, you don’t have to go back to the lab, isn’t that good?”

    Slakoth looked up and cried out. It then hopped back and stood like it wanted a battle. I realized that it wanted a battle.

    “Alright here it goes, come out Zippy” I shouted from excitement “Use Flamethrower quickly”

    I threw the Pokeball in the air and an Infernape appeared mid air. As soon as it landed it produced a huge amount of heat came from Zippys mouth. Slakoth jumped into the air and landed a scratch attack across Zippys mouth. It then started to hum. I noticed that it was using Amnesia, an attack that increased its special defense.

    “Zippy uses a powerful Mach Punch now”

    Zippy ran up towards the Slakoth and a blue glow formed around its fists. Slakoth tried to jump out of the way but Zippy Mach Punch managed to smack it to the ground. Slakoth tried to get up and just managed to, it must be on low health. Suddenly Slakoth cried out loud and started to glow. It looked like it was using the move Slack Off. Of course I knew that it would heal its health back to just over a half.

    “Zippy, you’re doing great, use Flamethrower one more time”

    Zippy nodded and started to produce a powerful heat blast from it mouth and was directed to Slakoth. Slakoth took the hit and manage to stay standing. It then used another scratch attack at Zippy, although it didn’t have enough power to go through with the attack.

    “Ok Zippy, Have a rest, Go Pokeball”

    Joe grabbed a Pokeball from his belt and threw it in the air towards Slakoth, as soon as the ball landed, Slakoth smiled before he was surrounded by a red beam from the Pokeball. It wobbled and wobbled then ……
    Last edited by -Apollo-; 28th December 2010 at 04:13 AM.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    8,122
    Blog Entries
    226

    Default Re: Another Day At The Office [Ready For Grading][Welcome Comments]

    I'mma claim this one too.

  3. #3
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    8,122
    Blog Entries
    226

    Default Re: Another Day At The Office [Ready For Grading][Welcome Comments]

    Introduction:

    The purpose of an introduction is to introduce us to the main character(s), give a bit of background to the story or start the plot off and to hook the readers attention. Did your story do that? Let's find out.

    So, we are introduced to the setting, a scorching hot office during the day. Next, we find out about a field researcher who is forced to study inside. Naturally, he doesn't particularly like the heat. We are also told that he has a Pokemon called Zippy. Not much is known about the primary character, not even his name. This is something I feel needs a bit of attention. It is important that the main characters are described. Not just their physical appearence, but also their personality so that the reader can get a mental image of what they look like. For example, is he tall or short? Does he have curly brown locks, or is it straightened and blonde?

    As for the plot introduction.. yes, I feel it was done quite well. Another researcher enters the office and tells us about a certain experiment 602. There is an air of suspense and mystery around this experiment so I was curious to read more. I thought it was a nice job being very vague on it to arouse the readers curiosity. Good job there.

    Plot:

    The plot itself isn't too complicated. This is perfectly fine for a Simple category 'mon, It pretty much consists of the main character heading off to the local woods and searching for this mysterious experiment. Their is a little subplot about a mean Munchlax which is quite cool, I have to admit. If there's one thing I love, it's originality. Not often do you see a Hyper Beam spamming Munchlax xD

    In the end the character finds the Experiment (who we now find out is a Slakoth) and coincidentily receives a phone call about it. Not too likely but it's still plausible. The character decided to use his Infrernape, known as Zippy, to battle and hopefully catch the Slakoth.

    Detail:

    This section was a little iffy in my books. I love to see some rich adjectives in stories. Sadly, there wasn't too many evident in this one. Like I said before, it's very importsnt for the reader to get a clear image in their mind. For example, was the forest large and intimidating or was it a quaint cluster of trees? The reader shouldn't really have to guess these thing. Nonetheless there was still some detail which is almost always a plus,just make sure to work on it, 'kay?

    Length:

    6,813 is a good length for a Simple Pokemon.

    Grammar:

    You have the basic elements of grammar but there were a few things I couldn't help noticing. The first one that stuck out like a sore thumb, was the word "minuets". It should be speeled as "minutes". You spelled it incorrectly in a few places so it probably wasn't a typo.

    Another thing I noticed was your general dialogue structure. It is a common mistake and quite often repeated so it should be fixed as soon as possible before it becomes a habit. So this

    “Another 3 more hours till I can go home” I said with very little effort.
    should become like this

    “Another 3 more hours till I can go home,” I said with very little effort.
    When a character is done speaking the correct sentence ending should be put in place. Here are some examples just so you can learn.

    "HEY!" Mary screamed when her brother pulled her hair.

    "What is your problem?" Daniel asked his sister.

    "It is fine," I said.

    "Your shoes are lovely." Mary smiled.

    If you have any more questions or you don't understand just send me a PM or contact me on AIM. Like I said before, they are very common mistakes.

    Also, a sentence should always end in either an exclamation mark (!), a question mark (?) or a full stop (.). Make sure to check these things. Apart from a few typos, you are good to go (btw watch out for those pesky typos). Do you use a word program when you type up these stories? If not, I recommend using them. There are several downloadable variants and many online ones too which can help to reduce the amount of typos or misspellings.

    Personal Feelings:

    Not too much is expected from a story in the Simple category. Your plot was all right, but it wasn't overly complicaqted. The detail was there but I felt there were some places that could be improved on. Do you think this capture was successful?


Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •