Another boring day
Another boring day
“Mark, are you awake”
“No go away Lucy!”
“But if you’re not awake how are you talking to me?”
“I don’t know now go away please!”
“No! I’m hungry now get out of bed and get me some breakfast”
“The only thing I’m going to give you is ten inches of my foot up you’re a** if you don’t get out my room now!!”
“I’m telling dad on you”
“Yes that’s good go away I’m sleeping”
The little monster stormed out my room to whine at her dad. Now he’s not my dad he’s just a stepfather well that’s what’s my mom want to call him, but it will never happen I just call him Johnny after all that’s his name. I could hear the little brat whining to her dad I knew I had only a few second of sleep left before Johnny, came in and then the battle would begin so, I’m going to take advantage of what little time I had left. It was no more then ten seconds later then Johnny came stomping into my bed room which he is not allowed to enter with out my say so, but same how I didn’t think he cared.
“Mark, get out of bed and get you’re sister so breakfast now!”
I pulled the pillow off my head and looked at him with a smirk on my face before replying to him.
“Well Johnny, I don’t see you doing anything why don’t you take you’re a** in the kitchen and do it your self, and by the way she not my sister she just some girl you had not get the fu*k out my room!!”
I grabbed my baseball and threw it at him man was he quick he moved out the way and the ball hit the wall and put a hole in it Johnny, didn’t look to happy about that but I didn’t care the next few moments were sure to be thrilling because it was now him turn to attack.
“What the hell is wrong with you Mark, throwing sh*t at me now that how you want to play because I will walk over there and pull you’re a** out of bed!”
“Oh I get it now you want to box! well that no problem come on bit*h I’ll take you”
I jumped out of bed and put up my fists I slowly walk over to him, the fight was about to begin that was until mom walked in the room.
“What the hell is going on here!?”
Mom was five two she had long brown hair, her eye were the same color has well she had on pair blue jeans, and a white T shirt, her shoes were white and pink.
“Me and Johnny, are about box now get out this might get ugly mom”
“Johnny, get out you sit down now!”
Johnny, walk out the room with out saying anything Just like a bit*h would I sat down on my bed it was time for mom to talk.
“Want to tell me what’s going on here or what?”
“You want to the truth or a lie?”
“The truth Mark”
“Okay then its simple I was trying to sleep when Lucy, walked in and woke me up demanding that I get he breakfast I told her to get out and to leave me be she ran out told Johnny, he came in her yelling at me like that was going to get me to do it I picked up my baseball through it at him he moved out the way it hit the wall as you can see that when thing got fun he then threatened me, and I got out of bed to box and that’s about all I should think”
“What am I going to do with you Mark?”
“Love me feed me and always make sure I all was have a nice soft bed to sleep in why?”
“Hahaha! oh boy you’re funny I’ll give you that Mark, now I don’t want anymore fight with you and Johnny got it?”
“I can’t promise anything, but I shall try because you asked so nicely and you have to tell to stay out my room you had a agreement remember?”
“I will remind him of it now go get Lucy some food”
“What! no way that dick head can feed own children I’m not he father”
“I’m asking you to do it now will you”
“On one condition”
“And what would that be?”
“Johnny, has to apologize for yelling at me and for coming into my domain without my permission we have a deal?”
“you’re domain please Mark, but fine he will now get dressed and go get breakfast you’re going to miss you’re bus”
“Ha like that would be a bad thing”
I was not like mom and the rest of them I didn’t care what I wore I just through on a pair of brown cargo pants, a white shirt and a navy blue jacket, I then walked out my room and into the bathroom I brushed my teeth and hair. I walked out the bathroom and Johnny was in the kitchen waiting for me.
“Johnny, did you want something?”
“Yes I wanted to apologize for yelling at you and for going into you’re room I should not have done it and I’m sorry”
“You should be sorry Johnny, but you did apologize so I forgive you good bye!”
The look on his face was pure anger and I loved it its not every day he has to say sorry to me so I enjoyed it, but it was time to do want I said I would I got Lucy, a bowl oatmeal then I left out the.
I walked down the driveway and waited for the bus it was only a few minutes before it came rolling up the street I got on, and off we went I closed my eyes on the way there to take a small nap. The bus stopped and I got off I looked right at the front door of the high school I knew the battle was on, high school was like a prison once you don’t get out you have to stay for six years that’s right we start at 12 and get at 18 six years you have to rot in a little room and listen to some teacher run his mouth about crap you wont remember the next day, but I was good for today I had four class’s today History, pharmacodynamic, now I know what the hell is pharmacodynamic well its a branch of pharmacology concerned with the effects of drugs and the mechanism of their action. I know who teaches that to kids well the people think its good tell about all that so the next you want to do drugs you know not to.
It a bunch of sh*t if you ask me next class I have is reading and write which are in the same class, and last one which is my favorite Math, it also has my favorite teacher in it Ms. Nerine she has long blue hair which go all the way down he back her eye dark blue she’s about my size 5”11 and boy is she beautiful she liked my dad and I look like him.
He had short white green eyes was about 6”5, and he was strong man looked like he eat steroids for breakfast now, me I had the short white hair and I had green eye I I’m 6”1 but I not as strong as he was I was bulky but I have nothing on him and that why I think she like me plus I am the smartest guy in the school so that helps. I walked up the stairs and into the school the bell went off.
I have what I need in my pack so I walk to class I sat down and it began. Six hours went by and I was in my last class the bell went off for the last time today I got my work and left out I was on my way to my locker when James, saw me walking to the hall, he didn’t look to happy maybe it was because I tell them the bus was at the house and he was late for school.
Now I’ll bet you want to know who is James, he is Johnny’s, son there is Lucy, and James, I didn’t like any of them I think there Johnny, has one more I’m not sure he never talks about it which is surprising because he runs his mouth like a girl. But back to James, he is 15 five nine not so bulky he think he can take me but he can’t he has long hair like a girl its blond his eye are blue and he has on the same stuff every day its like his closet has the same outfits that’s all.
Nowhere he comes let see what he going to do.
“Hey! Mark, get over punk,” James called
“Fu*k off,” I replied in a soft voice
“I was late for class because of you!”
“Its not my job to came get you when the bus comes next get you’re lazy a*s up out of bed and wont miss it now I’m going home good bye!”
“Oh no you don’t!”
James, walked over and grabbed my pack and through it on the ground
“Oh I see now you box don’t you? well that’s no problem let’s do it”
I put up my fist and walked over to James, I was going to kick his a*s all over this school.
“What is going on here!,” Yelled Ms. Nerine
“What’s going this jerk started a fight I’m just about to finish it,” I replied
“I’m finishing it you came here”
Ms. Nerine call over a kid from our class
“I want the truth who started this fight!”
“James, did Ms. Nerine Mark, was leaving and James, came over grabbed his pack and through it on the ground them Mark, got mad and that how it happen”
“Thank you go back to what you were doing, as for you James, I will see you in the principal’s office after you’re class’s are done now leave. Mark, came with me”
I picked up my bag and walked into the class room with Ms. Nerine, she closed the door behind me, I sat down as did she I look at for a few seconds before she started talking.
“So what’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I’m talking about you’re not acting like normal is there something wrong at home?”
“Nothing I can’t deal with I’m just trying to get by the day one step at a time”
“Same old jackass we got into it this morning, but mom made him apologize to me”
“He think it my responsibly to take care of his kids and I’m not I’m not going to get out of bed to do something if I don’t wont to I don’t like him or his kids I hate them i hate him I want him to leave me alone my mom my have married him, but that does not make him my dad my dad is dead I can live with that I accept that because it the only thing I can do let go of the past and keep moving forward mom think I all sad in side, but I’m not sitting around and crying wont bring him back so there no point in it and I am sick of hearing all that sh*t all the time are you okay I’m fine I don’t know how many times I have to say it. Here I am wasting you’re time with my problem”
“No you’re not look I know it hard with that guy in you’re house, but instead of fight why not let go”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you’re birthday is in 20 days once you turn 18 you can leave”
“And what would I do I don’t have any money?”
“You don’t need money you can stay with me and use this”
Ms. Nerine put a ball on the table it was red and white
“This is a Pokeball in side is a Pokemon I want you to have it Mark”
“Me a Pokemon trainer I don’t know if I can do it”
“I believe in you Mark, if you want you can stay with me free of charge and began you life as a trainer, but you don’t have to give me a answer right now think about it okay?”
“No! I’ll do it it should be fun me a Pokemon trainer and i wont have to be around the punk so yes I will do it, but don’t tell my mom I don’t want fight with here”
“I wont now take this and do good bye”
I walked out the room down the hall and out the front doors the bus was still here so, I ran over got on and off we went back home. The other kids had to stay in class for another two hours the smart kid don’t have a lot of class’s like the dumb ones do.
The bus stopped in front of my house I got off mom and Johnny, were not home they had to work so, I unlocked the door went in I put my bag down in my room the took out the Pokeball Ms.Nerine gave me I pushed the on the middle of the ball and it opened up a beam of red light came from within it, and the little Pokemon appeared right at my feet.
“The little green Pokemon had a big lily leaf on its back it was a cool looking Pokemon I picked it up look at it some more, the Pokemon was blue and green boy was this great I loved it. I put the little Pokemon on my bed lade down and went to sleep.
CC needed 5k~10k
My CC 10,995
Pokemon going for: Lotad
Re: Another boring day
Will get it done soon :)
Re: Another boring day
Plot + Structure:
So we’ve got Mark. He seems like a typically normal lad, but his mum has married an aggressive bully who’s trying to take charge of the house. After a confrontation, Mark leaves to go to school and gets into yet another fight with a kid called James. Ms. Nerine, a teacher, disrupts the fight, and offers Mark help with the problems he has at home by giving him his own Lotad.
I like the idea of the plot, and it’s definitely a good starting point, but I feel that it could’ve been delved into a bit more, especially with Mark’s domestic situation. Having some backstory into the loss of his father, and then his mother’s remarriage would’ve brought some realism into the characters, and then the plot as a whole. At the moment, it all seems a bit touch-and-go as to whether that would actually happen in real life or not.
Also, as a reader, I was left a little lost at some places. For example, this kid James seems to come out of nowhere, and then it seems there’s some sort of agreement between them that isn’t explained. Something about the bus? It seems like a much unprovoked attack if the reader isn’t given details. Again, background information could’ve cleared this up greatly, even if it was just a sentence or two clarifying their ‘agreement’.
The introduction was great, I always love stories that start with a back-and-forth dialogue conversation. It adds a sense of mystery to the story, and instantly makes the reader want to continue. However, I felt that while some things were easily implied, some things weren’t explained explicitly enough, or at least not until later on, such as the fact Lucy is Mark’s younger step-sister. I know it seems obvious, but from dialogue alone, sometimes it’s hard to grasp the situation if the following text continues the story on. A simple tweak, such as “I heard my monster of a stepsister leave my room, no doubt off to moan at Johnny, the man I refuse to call dad” makes a much more fluid transition from dialogue to narrative.
The story definitely flowed quite well and none of the sections felt disjointed from anything else, although the transition from home to school was quite a long paragraph, and a bit awkward to look at. It could’ve possibly been split a little, into 2 or 3 smaller paragraphs.
The ending did feel a little anti-climactic, but that might’ve been due to the lack of a Pokémon battle. In URPG stories, a battle is usually the centrepiece of the story, usually taking up the near-majority of it. It’s also a great way to build up tension and give a great ending to a piece, either with a typical cliffhanger of a Pokéball wiggling, or with all the loose ends of a story tied off. Hopefully you continue with this story arc, as I definitely feel it has potential, and I’d love to see what Mark can do with his Lotad in battle.
Narrative + Description/Detail:
First-person narrative over the popular third-person is an interesting choice, especially for a first story. It has the potential to be quite “I did this. I did that.”, since description doesn’t flow naturally, but I think your use of it worked well. It gave us more of an insight into this character, which is one thing that third-person fails to do a lot of the time. We felt more empathetic towards Mark, because we’re hearing the account from his personal point-of-view.
Although quick-fire dialogue without ‘he said, she said, etc…’ can be effective in places, be careful not to overdo it, as it can lose a lot of the impact it would’ve had otherwise, and it starts to feel more like a script than a story. I’d confidently say your story is more dialogue than action, which if it’s not obvious it’s intended, can be a bit dreary. Combining ‘he/she said’ with an adjective can give a completely different meaning to a sentence, so it’s definitely a powerful thing to use. (‘“How interesting!” I replied enthusiastically.’ has a completely different connotation to ‘“How interesting!” I replied sarcastically.’.)
Physical description was there at some points, and not at others. We got a description of Mark, his deceased father, and Ms Nerime during the middle bit, but other than that, there wasn’t much. Description is what really brings a story to life, and gets it across how you want it to be. What you might think in your head isn’t what others will, and so while the reader’s imagination is an important thing to engage, there are limits. Is Mark’s mum a typical feminine woman with long, flowing, blonde hair, bright red lipstick and high heels to match, or is she more of housewife, a bit stout with hair tied-up in a bun, wearing a light-blue apron with “I live for my family” embellished on the front? Stereotypes can be a good starting point for description, but be careful that it doesn’t become too predictable.
Spelling + Grammar:
This section was a bit ropey, unfortunately. There were a few times where you made one mistake, then never made it again, so I’m assuming they were just typos (such as the lack of question mark in the first sentence ‘“Mark, are you awake”’).
The most glaringly obvious errors were regarding variances of the same pronunciation, which can trip over even experienced writers. Such things to remember are:
- “Your” indicates possession (“Can I borrow your pencil?”). “You’re” is a contraction of “you are” (“You’re looking nice today.”).
- “Than” indicates a comparison, or used after “more” or “less” to indicate numbers (‘Usain Bolt is quicker than any other man.’ or ‘The phone cost more than $50, so I couldn’t buy it.’). “Then” indicates a moment in time, or the order of actions (“I only realised it then.” or “I want you to collect the papers, then hand them to me.”).
- “Through” means ‘to pass directly from one side to another’ (‘He walked through the doorway.’). “Threw” is a variation of the verb ‘to throw’ (‘He threw the ball as hard as he could.’).
Other times, some verbs were missing, most commonly variations of the verb ‘to be’. There were sentences like “he not my dad” as opposed to “he is not my dad”.
If you’re ever unsure of how to spell a word, also, spell-checkers in most Word programmes can usually give you a good indication if you have a go at spelling it. None of them are ever perfect, however, and so they might not always pick something up if they don’t know exactly what you mean.
It’s hard for me to cover everything here, but hopefully I’ve given enough that you can read through and spot any of the mistakes I’ve pointed out.
Length VS Quality of Writing:
Lotad is actually a Simple-rank mon, not Easiest, so it requires 5k-10k. However, your count is above that, so there aren’t any issues here. Everything also seemed to belong there and didn’t feel as if it was just added for count.
The plot was a nice derivation from typical first story plots, and the story had a sense of existing, save for a couple of confusing moments. It felt as an entire piece of writing, instead of different sections mish-mashed together to try and fuse a story from them, although the spelling and grammar was quite a distraction, and the lack of a growth to a proper finish (such as a battle) left the story pining for something else.
I’m going to say that this was very borderline, but I think it just tips to Lotad not captured. However, all you need to do is spruce up some of the grammar errors, and maybe add in a bit more narrative to compensate for the large amounts of dialogue, and the little lilypad thing will be all yours. :)
For any edits you make, please mark them someway, preferably by bolding or underlining them.
Re: Another boring day
Well, you did add in some of the description I asked for, and corrected some of the mistakes. I think that you could have gone through it a bit more and corrected some more stuff, and some of the stuff you attempted to correct was still wrong (like, you put “It a bunch of sh*t” when it should be ‘It’s’). Your Pokémon will still be available for capture if you left it a few days to go over it, or maybe don’t even read it for a day and go back to it with a fresh pair of eyes.
Also, I meant to say it in the initial grade, and I think I forgot. Don’t be worried about putting cuss words in your actual story, as long as you give some sort of warning about the language content either in the title, or in the first post before you start the story. However, also realise that swearing has its place, and while it can work for darker Pokémon stories, for this one it did seem a little out of place. I get that you were trying to represent real-life, but in a seemingly Anime-esque perfect Pokémon world, excessive swearing seems a little weird.
All in all, I was happy that you took on board some of what I said, so I’m going to say Lotad captured. Just remember to really pay attention to the spelling and grammar, as I think that’s your weakest area at the moment, and don’t feel you need to rush a retry if you fail the first time. Patience is a virtue, so they say :)