Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

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Thread: Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

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    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    -----

    Fallen angel with taken wings, she becomes sullied, vowing to abandon her body.
    She loved others in the past, however; and one of these hands ended it all.


    *


    "AH! NO, I CAN'T FLY LIKE THIS!"

    I spiraled down from heaven, crashing through the clouds. My white feathers were drenched as she I the blow of the impact. The red and blue arrows on my wings slowly faded as I gasped for breathed. But my feathers weighed me down. The one thing that would enable me to escape my fate was dragging me down to my watery grave.

    "Ah, who is this?! Oh never mind! Surf!"

    A wondrous waves swept over me, carrying me. The sea air entered my gasping lungs as the sifting sands met my body. A Pokemon leaned over me. It was a strange Pokemon, with no eyes. It was only a star with a jewel in the middle. But there was something very different about this Pokemon. Very, very different.

    Her skin, a lacquered black. not a dirty brown shade. Her gem glowed in such a way so pure. The entrancing beauty lured me closer.

    Had I not fractured my wing on a high cliff, nothing would have happened.

    My act of clumsiness was the start of the nightmare.

    *

    In the lonely world, it was the one with the pure gem she met.
    The moment they met, the pitiful angel fell in love. Unforgivable feelings began to well...


    *


    "Hello...? Oh, good, your awake. You were nearly drowned! When I got you here, you fainted."

    The blue sky, the sound of Wingull that flew across the sky, the green palm trees... the sights and sounds flooded my senses. This was nothing like my cloud world; this was truly heaven. It was a good choice to come to visit. But... my wing...

    "Oh... um, hello..."

    It was all I could say. The Staryu then giggled, amused by my lack of social skills. Something delicious met my mouth. It seemed, that with a beam shooting out from the gem, the Staryu held something round and hairy. Tilting it over my mouth, the sweet liquid tingled my taste buds.

    "Oh, come on! Haven't you had coconut before?" Staryu said. "Oh, and by the way, you can get up. I fixed your wing. Well, not really, but I think I got the bone in place at least." I moved by left wing. It felt... stiff. I looked over to see a carved plank fitted over my wing, and wrapped with something strong.

    "Who... are you?" I said. Not only did this place contain things of my wildest dreams, this Staryu knew healing techniques. There was more to Pokemon then just their names, I suppose, but that was all we were taught. Their names and how they looked. We had no knowledge of their habitat, behavior... some heaven I lived in.

    "Oh, I'm Kia. What's yours?"

    "My...?"

    "Your name, silly!"

    "Oh! Um... Janice."

    "That's a nice name."

    I looked around. We were on a small island floating in the sea. I suppose this was one of the islands I saw from up above since I was a child. It was much more majestic down here then from viewing up above.

    "What Pokemon are you? I've never seen anything like you before." Kia said. I thought for a while. What... what Pokemon WAS I? Never before had anyone thought about this. I guess I had to make up a name, then... come on, come on...

    "Togekiss. I'm... a Togekiss."

    "Oh, a nice species! I wish I could fly like you. Your wings are so large and magnificent!" Kia said.

    "Your gem is also beyond all of our comprehension as well." I said. Kia thanked me for my praise, before saying something that made me stop in my tracks.

    "Take some fruit, each some more coconut! There's enough to go round for everyone. In fact, if we gave it to everyone, there would still be more then half left!" Kia said. I blushed, thinking of whether to upset my new found friend- no, she was more then an ordinary friend- and stick by my code, by my specie's code. Or should I indulge myself for the first time...?

    "No... I can't. We... Togekiss can't take more then we need." I said. Kia's gem flashed, and I sensed a confused vibe from Kia. The gem flickered a light pink, before Kia asked her short question.

    "Why?"

    "Oh, I don't know. Where I lived, we was not allowed to live richly, and to feast only on the natural source we were given. Clouds. Endless bounds of them." I said. Kia said an 'Ah-hah!' and suddenly released a huge bubble. Riding in it to the sky, I looked in confusion to what she was doing. She appeared later, spinning rapidly before crashing to the ground. Around her, wisps of cloud.

    "Here you go! There's some under me. In the count of one... two... three! Wait, where did the cloud go?" Kia said. It seemed that Kia didn't know clouds were made of water.

    "Clouds are made of water. You are a natural kin to water, and so, you absorbed the water." I said.

    "So that means... you've been eating water all your life?! That's horrible! How do you even live?" Kia said.

    "I... don't know. My parents said we were pure beings, and not supposed to kill any living creature for their vegetation or meat. I suppose Arceus gave us the power to live in such a way."

    "Well, you don't need to live that way anymore. You can stay here!" Kia said. I looked at her and smiled. She was right. I could live here.

    *

    The desire was hidden behind the smile; the forbidden fruit that she devoured started it all.
    Human and angel was a forbidden love...
    And for that sake, she broke it all...


    *


    The days passed by slowly, but surely. I gradually fell in love with the island, the food. All the luxuries that have been kept away from me for so long. But all of it added up could not outmatch my growing love towards the Staryu who saved me. Was it really true? I never have been in love before. I suppose this was it?

    I have broken three vows, three of the many vows I have been forced to live, to abide by. First was the vow to never kill. I have killed many Krabby. Kia has taught me how to prepare them in a way quite delectable, and I couldn't stay away from the need to enter the fresh meat into my mouth, before relishing on another few berries.

    The second was the vow of fasting. Never had I felt full, and I even vomited on the first day, my body not used to the vast quantities of delicacies entering my systems. But now, I was living quite comfortably. This was something that us angels were not allowed to do. We had to live like the poorest of the poor to understand their suffering. But, in my opinion, I've suffered enough to understand how they live and die fully, and perhaps more.

    Now, the most horrible vow was not living luxuriously or killing. It was the unforgivable sin of unauthorized love, and same-gender lust. If I ever returned to the clouds, I would be executed for doing such things. But how could I stop it? I couldn't help acting funny around Kia. But I have noticed something. Kia tended to come up and spend whole days with me. Even when she doesn't seem to be close by, if I get in trouble, she rushes by and gets me out of danger. Kia called this intense friendship. But...

    She was teased for this. It was unforgivable. And it was my fault. Had I been... different... Kia would have been envied for having me for a lover. I knew, because the Pokemon of the sea always worshiped the feathers from my kind- Feathers from God, they said. They believed it had magical properties. Of course, when I was around Kia, they didn't tease her or do something I wouldn't approve of. Even though they showed great interest in me... that was it. They just wanted to suck me up. And that wouldn't do. Maybe I should end this, and make Kia happy. Maybe I should detach myself from my angel body...

    The sunset seemed to mock me that day. It didn't amaze me. The sun set extraordinarily slowly today, seeming to be yelling at me. Coward, it called. Could the sun sense emotions and wants, or was it all in my head? I didn't know. I didn't know a lot of things.

    How could I do it, though? Not in the bravery factor, but the fact I had no weapons. Just then, it seemed that the sun helped me. I saw a glint of something wash up shore. I ran over and gasped. The majestic sword was taunting me.

    I picked it up with my mouth. I looked at my left wing. It would be a shame; it has just healed. Oh, get a hold of yourself, Janice. I bit into the handle of the sword before making it dive into my soft flesh.

    Due to my hesitation and the bluntness of the sword due to traveling at sea, it took a while for me to cut through the pesky bones. My teeth was rubbing so hard against the handle it seemed as if it would break- either the handle or the teeth first. The crimson red blood poured all over my feet. As each bone detached from the joint, a ripping and a pull of something like a suction cup was felt. I lost control of my left wing, and I opened my eyes which has been shut in pain. My left wing was on the sands, the blood mingling with the grains.

    Now, onto my right wing.

    I dropped the sword as my right wing dropped. Not because I have dropped it from pain. I have lost my ability to move this body. My soul still lingered, but not for long. Soon, a new body would emerge. But not before the ritual has taken place.

    As I floated from the corpse, I saw Kia emerge from the water. The piercing scream made me upset. I haven't thought of the possibility Kia would find the body. Ah, but at least I would be revived. I saw more emerge from the water, horrified that the angel has died. Okay, I wasn't too upset by those people being horrified... oh, is that a child? Yes, block her eyes. She shouldn't see this...

    "I will never love anyone as I have loved Janice!" Uh oh. I... definitely didn't think of that. Now how was I going to execute my plan? Oh, no matter. He will give me the perfect body. I will surely get her.

    I felt myself shift, and I opened my new eyes. But I felt... different. Oh, yes, I remember now.

    I belong to the devil now. After all, I sold my soul, didn't I?

    *

    The Pokemon, dyed in a lacquer black, visited the place of the sacred vow.
    With fleetingly smiling eyes, she met a mysterious man.
    The moment their eyes met, they fell in love. Unforgivable feelings started to form...


    *


    I sat up, and looked around. Oh, I never knew Staryus looked through their gems. The outside world seemed to change color depending on which color I set my gem to. How do I change it...? Oh, blue! This is fun!

    I snapped out of my playing and leaned over a pool nearby. I was a Staryu, and a very peculiar one. I was feathered in the darkest cloak, much like my previous self. Except I'm black, of course. Or was it because my gem was black? No, it wasn't. I'm black all right. Maybe if I make my gem transparent... ah, that's better. I looked around once again, and the feeling of familiarity hit me. Oh, I was on the same island! Perhaps Kia is nearby.

    And that was when I realized I've been asleep quite long.

    The vegetation has now grown rapidly without my frequent, irritated Air Slashes as I explored my island. But, as a Staryu, I could use Rapid Spin. I've seen Kia do it, why couldn't I? I focused my power on the tips of my body before the whirring of the wind met by ears, followed by the feeling of air bashing against my body. I smiled as I cut through the tough trees like a knife rippling the water. As the plants flew, I stopped when a flash of sunlight burst into my line of sight. I was out of the tropical plants, and now at the shore of the island.

    The shore where I fainted.

    The shore where Kia made the vow.

    I turned left to see a stone slab, my name roughly engraved into it. I looked around. There didn't seem to be anything of interest here- except the beautiful red flower on top of my gravestone, holding my previous body. Now, what were these flowers called...? They had thorns, two leaves, and its petals were all concentrated on one area instead of spreading out...

    I didn't have time to ponder. I heard the movement of water, and I quickly acted 'natural'. I looked into the setting sun. I tried not to look over as I heard the familiar voice talk.

    "Oh, um... hello there."

    I turned around. That was Kia, alright. She sort of looked at me blankly, before I got up. She muttered something, but after that, simply stared. I smiled. He's given me the perfect body alright. "Hello. I'm Osborne. Coming to pay your respects?" Kia nodded faintly. I smiled. I knew I had her now. I definitely did.

    *

    Wanting to get together in a scrambling fever
    Even the purest vow
    They violated


    *


    We grew closer. We met every now and then by the memorial. Soon, it turned from simply a memorial to something far more... better. A meeting place for two. Two very... special together.

    People liked me too. A Staryu with feathers was a sight never seen before, and I was quite handsome too- well-built, nice skin. Kia grew from unpopular, teased girl to the most envied. But the jealousy and the desperate girls was not close to any of the chaos we experienced when I decided to stop over to Kia's coral home.

    I was a bit disappointed, actually. Now, Kia has broken a vow of pure emotion. Perhaps she will only have a fascination with me now? Is it just a period of intense infatuation? I was always troubled by these thoughts, but shook them off quite quickly.

    Of course Kia wouldn't have done such things with me if she did not truly love me. But my knowledge of love is... premature. Kia has definitely broken the vow she has made. But... she might have thought deeper into things. If I was watching over her- even though there is nothing that like, there is no afterlife of happiness, only an afterlife of torment- I would want her to be happy, right? I calmed my inner worry with this thought. Kia was mine now.

    That was what I thought.

    *

    The sin of taboo...
    The arrow of enraged judgement
    Pierced the girl of lacquer black


    *


    As I stared down at the two bodies, my muscles were locked shut. One was the right was my beautiful Kia, lying cold. A arrow had pierced through her gem, blood painted on the weapon, and shards of gem stuck on the bow. But then it suddenly disintegrated, leaving nothing behind. On the left was my former lover, Hatori. His body's wings werenow gone- he has devoted his soul to the demons. I finally found the strength to pick up the Time Flower in front of Hatori, the flower he has probably left me.

    The flower opened to show me the world of Kia's death. I looked around and saw Kia looking at the buttercup I have picked for her the day before. She was totally oblivious to the threat approaching from behind. Hatori was like any normal Togekiss. How he got underwater, I think I know. The devil's sign was imprinted on both his wings, giving him invisibility to the curious sea folk, the ability to live underwater, and the horrific bow he held in his hand. A horrible scowl was stretched across his face. "I always loved you, Janice... why did you choose to leave the clouds where we belonged together?"

    He turned to Kia, and raised his bow. That was when I noticed that, along with the bow, he had the glowing blue Time Flower in his hands. My beloved did not turn around fast enough. When she has noticed Hatori, the bow has already entered her gem. She gave a gasp, and a small sigh as she fell. Hatori screamed in pain as the devil's sign burned. His wings evaporated into nothing, much like the arrow. He dropped the flower, and his soul left his body. I knew by the sudden jolt that he experienced and him falling to the ground.

    The vision ended, and I was beyond tears now. I gripped my dead beauty, now knowing what to do.

    *

    My dear, lying cold
    I will sacrifice my life for you as I swore on that day...
    All my acts of treachery shall be paid by my death.
    So I will die for you...
    I believe, that's my fate.


    *


    Kia opened her eyes, and she saw Janice standing in front of her. Janice! Kia wanted to dash out and hug the Togekiss, but something horrible happened.

    Janice flickered between Osborne and herself, before suddenly, there was the sound of shattering. What shattered? Janice. She was like a porcelain vase, her body suddenly scattering across the floor. It was then that Kia learned. It was then that Kia truly understood what has happened. She screamed so passionately, calling out for the two, the two same that she loved. But they were gone now. Why? Kia's eyes were surprised by the blooming Time Flower. It wasn't anything she has seen before. But when she saw what has happened, she was simply lying on the floor, not understanding the emotion she felt now.

    And that was when she saw something in front of her.

    A single black feather, resting on the floor, the only thing that she could have to remember the angel.

    *

    The fallen angel with taken wings
    And the mysterious boy of feathered black
    Even if they fall into the depths of Earth
    Buried by the ever going power of time
    A linking vow entwines a fateful meeting
    About a love never meant to be
    Time slowly rots the fruit of sin
    Perhaps one day, the two will meet again


    *


    Time has changed. We are now beyond the age of swords. Angel Pokemon called Togekiss are simply used to brutally attack each other. After this incident, Arceus has given up on these Pokemon, and released them to the primitive world. Now, they live far more happier lives. No longer strictly following a code, and now living by their own rules, or traveling the world with a trainer.

    But all this happiness, all this actual humanity came too late for some.

    Now, people already know what happens when you clip a Togetic or Togekiss's wings. Though it was only done by the cruelest of organizations in the Pokemon world, sometimes, accidents happen. And trainers witness in absolute horror as their trusty friend evaporates into nothing, spiraling into the depths of Hell. Of course, no one knows they ARE going to Hell. Hell and Heaven are two places not yet confirmed by science, and so is human ghosts. But if there is Pokemon ghosts, why not human? Of course, they aren't proven.

    Of course, all of this can be proven. However, we do not know much about the mysteries of the world and, mostly, Pokemon. Pokemon hold many mysteries, and many answers to mysteries. But the evident lack of Pokemon researchers- or at least, Pokemon researchers who research for solving these mysteries on not driven on power and greed- causes not many of these mysteries to be solved.

    But one of these mysteries need not be solved with extensive research, pain, or anything. Just lots of free time.

    One of the million of millions of small islands in the sea, is only the size of half a football field.

    In it, water Pokemon thrive, going up on the islands for a tanning session. This island is surrounded by many islands that seem the same, making the search ever more difficult.

    This island has been spotted many times. By pirates, by patrols, and just by trainers flying overhead on their Pokemon. But from such a distance, they did not see a stone slab. Well, to be exact, two, but one is buried underneath the first.

    The one on top says, 'Kia, a lonely Staryu who only wanted true love.' Except, it's carved in Pokemon language. Only Pokemon Interpreters can read it, and no Pokemon Interpreters have seen it. Underneath is the rock that says 'Janice, the confused Angel. Osborne, the desperate lover.' It was buried underneath the first as an insult. The Pokemon has 'sinned', in a way, and so this was the result. But still, it was buried. Perhaps this Kia had something to do with it.

    Dig. Yes, dig! Dig deep into the ground. Never mind disturbed spirits- they don't exist. Do they? But dig, dig! And soon, you will come across a skeleton, the flesh completely rotted off the bone. It is the skeleton of a poor Togekiss, one that has tried to achieve something no one really can. Total peace. And inside the skeleton, some clump of sharp-looking things. They seem to be able to cut you if you touch them. But if you do, you discover it is... soft. Oh, is that flesh? Why, yes, it is.

    Find the stomach to clear the mess. Yes, with your hands. Don't be a wimp! What you will find may not truly be any use, but it surely is something to ponder on. Perhaps it will... motivate you.

    Digging in deep enough, you will pull out a single black feather. Now, I wonder why it's there?

    -----


    If you were too busy to read the massive text here, read this.
    THE PLOT:
    Last edited by Timpeni; 24th February 2011 at 06:48 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    IT IS FINISHED *dies*

    Pokemon being Captured: Staryu
    Suggested Length: 20,000 - 30,000
    Actual Length: 20,121
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

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    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Also claiming this. Weekend trip, so two isn't unreasonable I hope. She's inactive anyway, I think.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
    AIM: WinterVines
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    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: Angel with No Wings (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Missing Wings on an Angel

    I know you're inactive/gone indefinitely or something, but I'm going to pretend that you're not for my own benefit and for all those reading. Also, just in case you pop back on for something. Here it is.

    ---

    Intro: Your intro is short, but I think it works this way. I liked the way you began, starting with a semi-action scene of her falling down. It's a little vague, but I don't really mind that for an intro because it's mainly there to introduce the rest and to hook readers in.

    I really like the end line too. For me, having good endings to sections is what makes a fic. Often times it's either those end bits or the first sentence that I remember most from all books I read. Beginning or ending with a pop like that really works to attract readers and make them want to continue. Mentioning a nightmare makes people want to know why it happens because the beginning is a bit innocent.

    The only thing that really turned me off about the intro was the typos right away in the beginning. They interrupt the reading flow a little, but if you can make it to the end line, your intro does its purpose.

    Plot: The plot, although interesting, had a couple of issues. This story was based on a song called Alluring Secret ~ Black Vow. It's a vocaloid song, so luckily I recognized it from my dabbling in that. One of the big issues I had with it was that there was no credit to where the story was from. This is even more important because you copied a lot of song lyrics into the fic. I'm generally okay with this (because they're used as like section breaks instead of actual fic content), but only if there's credit and the lyrics don't make up a huge chunk of the fic.

    That aside, the story is pretty much identical to how the song goes, right down to the shattering sound when Janice trades her life for Kia's. I'm all for adaptations of already done stories. Usually putting them in a different fandom gives them a great twist. I don't really feel the twist was here in this one. They were too alike.

    Maybe instead of following the song in a straight line, little interludes could've been included. Did the two stargaze from the beach one night? Did they have a deep discussion about something on another? Little details set the new story apart from the original and make it seem more interesting. The way it stands seems more like a summary. It almost feels a little rushed because events are just mentioned instead of being shown to the reader, like when Janice learns to cook Krabby or when the other island inhabitants tease Kia for what she has. Some of those events shown as they happen would really add impact to them and then you have a better opportunity to show why they're so important. I pointed out those two mentions because according to Janice, they're two of the three vows she breaks, and that sounds like something that should be important or meaningful.

    I also think that because it was so closely tied to the song without the images, it felt like readers were missing some things that were happening. Even if the lyrics are read (which, admittedly, my first reaction is to skip over them if they're not at the beginning), some things still aren't very clear. What ritual was Janice needing to do? Who was she making the deal with? The devil was mentioned after as a side note. Also, cutting their wings off makes them lose their angel status? That part wasn't explained very clearly.

    Hatori also came out of nowhere. There was one tiny part in the lyrics that said 'She loved others in the past', but that's not very specific. Even just a mention or quick thought from Janice would've made his appearance a little smoother instead of just blindsiding people with sudden death. I knew what was going to happen because I knew the song, but others might not, so tiny hints like that will make the story make more sense and not seem rushed or roughly put together. His appearance is a little random if anything.

    The last thing I wanted to mention was your plot summary at the end of the fic. If you feel that the plot isn't clear enough by reading the story itself, it probably needs to be reworked a little bit. I recommend maybe having someone else take a look at it to help point out things that aren't smooth or that don't make sense. Peer revision is a good tool. It's hard to catch your own errors because you know what it's supposed to say.

    Detail/Description: Details were hit and miss, though you did do a brief couple words for some things. I knew Janice had wings, Kia was a dark starfish, and that the island had palm trees, but after that I kinda had to make up things in my head. While sometimes this is good, it shouldn't really happen for the whole story. The readers can't see the same picture in their heads as you do, so it's very important to paint that picture as clearly as you can.

    Make sure to describe your characters when you can, especially the main ones. This doesn't have to be a large chunk that hits readers in the face right away. It can be gradual, small details that slide in here and there. In fact, I prefer it the second way, but as long as it's there I don't mind how it's done. A general rule most people go by is that you should pretend none of your readers know what a Pokémon is. Just saying Janice is a Togekiss might not be best if someone doesn't remember exactly how one looks.

    Because this is a Hard rank story, it requires a little more polish in these important areas. If an object or event has some significance, it should probably be described a little bit. There were a couple of opportunities for this that I thought you could've added on a little bit.

    One of these was the ritual, like I mentioned before. Did it entail anything? Did all she have to do was cut off her wings? Was there chanting or flashing lights? Likewise, the aftermath of that was a chance too. How were the water-dwellers horrified that she was dead? Did they gasp and have shocked faces? Did they tremble or leave, not being able to watch? How was Kia picked on? Did they play pranks on her? Did they shove her around?

    Even just one or two lines about any of those things would give readers a little more insight into what was going on. It would make it seem less like a summary and more like a story is happening. Show readers events instead of just telling them something happened.

    I think another place that could help with the summary bit is your dialogue. The speaking is okay, but you could also add actions and reactions to it. Did she shiver as she spoke? Does one of the characters have a nervous twitch or a finger-tapping habit? Dialogue should serve some purpose if it's included in the story, either to advance the plot, give information, or evoke a certain response of a character. Show the readers that.

    Grammar: This part was a little rough. There were a fair amount of typos that made things a little hard to understand, as well as a few odd word choices here and there. Just be sure to reread your work afterward or ask someone else to go over it. Even reading it out loud might help.

    The biggest problem was probably switching up from past tense to present tense a lot. Sometimes it changed even in the same sentence, like there:
    I looked around and saw Kia looking at the buttercup I have picked for her the day before.
    Here, the have is not necessary because she picked the flower yesterday. The story is mostly in past tense already. This happened in other sentences too, where something is shown in a different tense, usually present, when the rest isn't. You can write the fic in whatever tense you like as long as you keep it consistent.

    Sometimes this lead to subject-verb disagreement in your sentences, like here:
    Where I lived, we was not allowed to live richly
    The problem word is in bold. Since she's talking about multiple people, the verb should be were. If you want to keep 'was', Janice would have to be talking about only her. This happened quite a few times. It sort of makes it sound like a Boston mobster is speaking. You can do stuff like that in dialogue because that adds character, but in text is should be grammatically correct so it makes sense. Be careful of this one. This is where reading it out loud comes in handy.

    The other main thing I wanted to talk about was unneeded commas. Here's one:
    I couldn't stay away from the need to enter the fresh meat into my mouth, before relishing on another few berries.
    This comma is unneeded because the sentence just describes two things she is doing. Remember, when a comma is used mid-sentence, it's usually for joining two independent sentences together with a conjunction or to insert a phrase. This can also lead to comma splices:
    I've seen Kia do it, why couldn't I?
    In this one, the comma should either be followed by a conjunction (like 'so' for the most sense), split up, or joined by a semi-colon instead. I'm not a fan of too many semi colons, so I think the other two options are better. Usually, when in doubt, try to split it up. If it makes sense by itself, it's okay to join with a comma and conjunction.

    Otherwise you get fragments:
    All the luxuries that have been kept away from me for so long.
    These happen when a sentence isn't complete, usually when either a subject or verb is missing. They can sometimes be used as clauses that are added onto another sentence. In this case, this one could be added to the sentence before with a comma because you were talking about a series of things.

    That also brings up the issue of starting a sentence with a conjunction (but, and, so, etc):
    But my feathers weighed me down.
    These are usually incomplete as long as the conjunction is there. It can generally be fixed by deleting the conjunction. Sometimes writers do this purposefully, but if it is done, there should be a good reason why, like putting emphasis on something. Like this one you did is okay:
    But all of it added up could not outmatch my growing love towards the Staryu who saved me.
    Either way, this should be done pretty sparingly and only if it serves a real purpose, like drawing a reader in or adding a big impact.

    The last thing I really want to mention is the writing as a whole. Besides the dialogue, there is very few contractions in the story. This isn't incorrect as far as grammar goes, but unless you're going for a specific style, it makes the text seem a little stiff and too proper. Your characters use conjunctions when they speak, so it just makes it a little awkward when the rest of the story has little to none. That combined with the word choice (like I mentioned above) just made it seem a little like a textbook instead of a flowing story. A little less proper would make it read a little smoother.

    Length: Staryu is a Hard rank mon, so that gives you a range of 20-30k. You got over 20k with your count, but I only got 19,884 with mine. Usually length doesn't bother me if the content of the story makes up for it. On a whim, I counted again excluding all the lyrics and only got 18,543. Your lyrics took up about 1.5k of your story. That's half the length of the lowest bracket of an easiest mon.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: The lyrics were a big thing here, especially since this wasn't the first time I pointed them out. If you continue to use lyrics in the future (because other stories I've graded of yours has had them too, and I told you about using them for characters before), please please please give credit to the song. I would also use them sparingly, like perhaps a tiny blurp at the beginning of the story.

    Another thing you could do, since the lyrics were being used as spacers, is take the ideas they present and make your own words up. I'll be honest, I'm not big on the copy/paste thing. You could still use the theme and make your own interludes, just don't copy them and use them for characters. I say this especially because the lyrics are translated into English and some don't really make sense the way they are.

    The last thing I haven't mentioned reality-wise was at the very end, when you were describing the feather inside the stomach. In one of the first sentences, you said all the flesh had rotted away after all that time, but then in the one before the feather you say there's still flesh in the stomach. If it's supposed to be rotted and gone, how is it there?

    Result:
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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