Andy on the run (Graded)

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  1. #1
    Droppin' Nerdy References Stormy's Avatar
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    Default Andy on the run (Graded)

    OOC: I've always wanted to do a story with a villan protagonist. Capturing Shinx, 7100 charactors.

    “I’m going to do it,” Andy told his friend, Jake.

    “Don’t,” Jake said, “catching a Pokemon really isn’t that hard. You just need to actually try.

    “I have tried,” Andy complained, “It is hard. Besides, the pet shop doesn’t have any security. You could just walk right in and take something and nobody would notice.”

    “How much would a Shinx actually cost if you would buy it?” Jake asked.

    “Like $100. I really don’t want to pay all that money. I only have $50.”

    “Can’t you ask your parents?”
    “No,” Andy replied, “They want me to pay for things on my own. Are you gonna help me, or not?”

    Jake sighed and shook his head. “No. Stealing is wrong, even if nobody would notice.”

    “Aw come on. You said you’d steal bread to feed your family at Lunch today.”

    “That’s different, You don’t need a Shinx. People need-”
    “Whatever,” Andy interrupted, “I guess you don’t care about me.”

    “Not enough to steal.”

    Andy signed and left.
    ----------------------
    Andy looked at himself in the mirror. At 5’10” and 140 pounds, the fifteen year old was pretty sure he could outrun any mall security guard, or anyone else who tried to stop him. He brushed his hair in front of his face, making himself harder to recognize. He threw on an old sweatshirt with a large front pocket, and an easily “ditchable” hoodie over that, should the need arise. Andy shoved a poke ball into the back pocket of his jeans, and ran out the door.

    Andy quickly jogged to the mall. In his large suburban neighborhood outside of Goldenrod, the local mall was only a mile from Andy’s house. With it’s collection of videogames, movie theaters, clothing stores, and restaurants, Dawson Forge Mall was a teenage paradise. Andy would normally hang out here with his friend Jake on weekends. But this weekend he wouldn’t be hanging out with Jake for many reasons: one: He was on a mission to steal a Shinx, and b: Jake was being a total douche who wouldn’t even help him.

    As he walked into the mall, Andy looked around, hoping not to see anyone he knew. Coast clear, he thought to himself, now I just need to make it to the pet store and out with out being seen. He breathed a sigh of relif when he saw the pet store. The Pokemon available for petting were in the back, unconfidently for anyone trying to steal one, A sign was displayed over the entrance, “Absolutely no empty poke balls allowed on the premise,” the sign read. Andy chuckled to himself. Nobody who was going to break the law already would be bothered not to just by seeing that sign; it would just punish forgetful idiots. A cashier was under the sign, reading a book.

    “Hello,” the cashier chirped, glancing up from his book, “can I help you with anything today?”

    “No,” Andy replied, remembering to keep a low profile.
    Passing by the pointless sign and the nice man, Andy began to have second thoughts. He remembered his friend saying, “stealing is wrong, even if nobody would notice.” This caused Andy to pause for a moment. What if Jake is right, he asked himself, what if I get caught and noticed by a thing, like a security camera, instead of a body, completely missing the point of what Jake was trying to say. However, Andy’s one-track mind didn’t focus on this qualm for long before returning to the task at hand. He crept towards the pen where the Shinx were held, and picked one up as if to pet it. A sign sat on top of the enclosure. “Shinx: Electric type. Known attacks: Growl, Tackle, Charge, and Spark,” Andy read. He looked left, and he looked right. The stupid cashier was deep in his book. Andy shoved the Shinx in his huge pocket, and calmly walked out of the store, muffling the frightened Shinx’s cries with his hand. He slowly walked out of the store, until he tripped over a squeaky toy left out on the floor. Andy caught his balance, but it was too late. The Shrinx’s cries alerted the cashier to what Andy was doing.

    “He! Stop!” the man screamed in vain.

    Like that’s gonna happen, Andy thought to himself. He remembered the poke ball in his pocket. More sound won’t hurt me now, Andy thought to himself as he activated the Pokeball, which went through the noisy motions of catching a Pokemon. The ball shook once, twice, a third time, and fifteen second later, Shinx was HIS! At least, if he didn’t get caught by mall security.

    The cashier stood in Andy’s way still yelling, “This teenager stole a Pokemon from my store! Notify security!” A good call, on his part, because the lanky cashier was no match for Andy, who ran towards the cashier and quickly changed direction. This sudden motion caused the cashier to miss his lunge towards Andy, and trip over his own feet. Andy smiled as he looked back.

    Andy kept on running through the mall, until he came across a mall security guard with a Growlith. The fire pokemon barred it’s teeth at Andy, challenging him to find a way around it. Andy frowned. He was cornered. There was only one thing to do. “Go! Shinx!” Andy called out, as he threw up his ill-gotten goods. The ball opened with a majestic ray of red light, and a bewildered Shinx popped out. The tiny lion reared up on it’s black hind paws, with it’s tail up, confused, but ready to do what was asked of it.

    “Not so fast,” the mall cop yelled to Andy. “Growlith, use Ember!” And with that, the Growlith took a deep breath, preparing to spit fire in Shinx’s direction.

    “Not so fast, yourself,” Andy retorted, “Shinx, dodge it, and start charging up!” Shinx ran out of the way, just barely missing the fireball spat by the guard’s Growlith.

    “Growlith! Use Tackle!” The security guard yelled, “Now!”

    “That was even stupider than your last move.” Andy yelled back, “Shinx, wait for my command.” The security guard’s Growlith was charging head first towards Andy’s new Pokemon, who was standing terrified. As the Growlith got within a foot of Shinx, Andy made his move. “Now Shinx! Spark!” Andy yelled. The electric pokemon shivered a bit, as electric sparks it had been charging up were released all at once, right at the mall cop’s Growlith! The Growlith was knocked back several feet from the powerfull electric jolt, but it was still on it’s feet.

    “Tackle it, Shinx!” Andy yelled. Shinx started towards the Growlith, it got closer and closer, aiming for a full body attack.

    “Now Growlith! Ember!” The security guard yelled towards his Pokemon. The Growlith struggled to take a deep breath, and spat out a pathetic puff of fire. “No! Come on you stupid mutt! Ember!” The guard frantically yelled, knowing deep down that the fire dog didn’t have it in him.” Shinx was about to collide with the Growlith when it did use Ember, hitting a potted plant, and starting a fire. With that, Shinx slammed full force into the Security guard’s Pokemon, knocking it out completely.

    Andy wanted to jump for joy with his first victory, but there were more pressing things to do at the moment, such as running out of the mall. He returned Shinx to it’s Pokeball and started to sprint away. Another guard sat at the door, this one without a Pokemon, just guarding with brute force. Would Andy be able to get around this one?
    Last edited by Stormy; 1st May 2010 at 10:27 PM. Reason: changed the "Evan" back to "Jake" & graded
    "Jean is shorter than Brutus, but taller than Imhotep. Imhotep is taller than Jean, but shorter than Lord Scotland. Lord Scotland is twice the height of Jean and Brutus combined, but only one-tenth of the height of Millsy. Millsy is at a constant height of x − y. If Jean stands exactly one nautical mile away from Lord Scotland, how tall is Imhotep?"-Look around You

    Answer: Imhotep is invisible.

  2. #2
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Andy on the run (RFG)

    Claimed for Grading. :)

  3. #3
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: Andy on the run (RFG)

    First of all, this was posted on my birthday, so it's instantly awesome. That doesn't really affect the Grade, though, so let's talk about that instead.

    Introduction:
    “I’m going to do it,” Andy told his friend, Jake.

    “Don’t,” Jake said, “catching a Pokemon really isn’t that hard. You just need to actually try.

    “I have tried,” Andy complained, “It is hard. Besides, the pet shop doesn’t have any security. You could just walk right in and take something and nobody would notice.”
    I have no complaints in this section. Starting a story off mid-conversation is a great way to draw the reader in, because they then want to know what's going on in the conversation. In addition to that, you gave us an idea of what was going to happen in the story even before we got to it without giving too much away. This is a strong hook that definitely kept me reading.

    Good job in this section. Moving on!

    Plot:
    Andy decides that he's going to steal a Pokemon, despite protests from his friend Jake. He then goes and does so, managing to keep a low profile with the cashier until he has the Pokemon. He fights and defeats a guard with his new partner, but there's still another one standing in his way.

    That's pretty much the basic rundown (it could be shorter, but I didn't like it being a one-line summary xD). You gave enough details to cover up this simple plot, though; considering that and your target Pokemon, this plot is adequate. As you would expect, more complex captures would require more complex plots, so make sure you mix it up a little more in the future, when you write for something harder.

    Dialogue:
    I liked the dialogue in this story; though there wasn't too much after the conversation between Andy and Jake, their conversation really gave them some character in a relatively quick exchange. Andy's role of a petty thief is enhanced by his dialogue and later by his second thoughts about the whole situation. Jake is shown as a more honorable and upstanding individual, which doesn't really sit well with Andy. While you didn't give much character to the storekeeper or the guards, it wasn't really necessary, since they were bit characters to begin with.

    Something I noticed about the guard:

    The Growlith struggled to take a deep breath, and spat out a pathetic puff of fire. “No! Come on you stupid mutt! Ember!”
    Generally, security guards don't let slip the whole "you stupid mutt" thing, since they have to have a strong bond with their Pokemon so that they can perform well in the field. The same is true for real-life security guards and police officers. But besides that, I wouldn't think that guard would be too worried, since he's probably muscular enough to knock Andy out once he gets his hands on him.

    Other than that, no complaints!

    Grammar:
    There were a few things that I'd like to point out here. First of all, when you're conveying a person's thoughts, it's usually best to use italics, like so:

    This caused Andy to pause for a moment. What if Jake is right, he asked himself, what if I get caught and noticed by a thing, like a security camera, instead of a body, completely missing the point of what Jake was trying to say. However, Andy’s one-track mind didn’t focus on this qualm for long before returning to the task at hand.
    Thoughts also get their own new paragraph when shown, so that quote above would be split up when the thoughts come up. I noticed that you also had the sign listing attacks; that, too, would get a new paragraph.

    Make sure that you separate your quotes appropriately, as well, since I noticed on several occasions that the lines exchanged by the characters were only split off from the next line by one press of "Enter". While I'm on the note, there were a few spelling mistakes here and there; both of these matters can be remedied with some good proofreading after you write the story. Oh, and "Growlith" is "Growlithe", just so you know.

    Lastly, this line came across as awkward to me:

    But this weekend he wouldn’t be hanging out with Evan for many reasons: one: He was on a mission to steal a Shinx, and b: Jake was being a total douche who wouldn’t even help him.
    First of all, who's Evan? O.o

    Second, there are too many colons there, and it looks awkward. A better way to convey that thought would be like this:

    But this weekend he wouldn’t be hanging out with Evan for many reasons. For one, he was on a mission to steal a Shinx; for another, Jake was being a total douche who wouldn’t even help him.
    You also don't need to capitalize after a colon, since the thoughts before and after the colon are considered a part of the same sentence.

    Detail and Description:
    I thought your details and descriptions were pretty good. I liked how you showed us Andy's appearance and related it to us through his thoughts of being able to successfully steal the Shinx. While I would have enjoyed knowing what Jake looked like, it wasn't too necessary, since I didn't really see a way for you to fit that into the story without it sounding forced.

    Something to consider: aside from the Shinx, you didn't give too much detail on the inside of the store and what pets were available. If you're going to have a main character that's a criminal (even if he's a petty one :P), you have to make sure you think like a criminal. In general, before committing the crime, a criminal would "scope out the place", meaning he'd take in all of the details of the place so that he can plan his moves ahead. While I know Andy didn't want to garner any unnecessary attention, the cashier seemed too enthralled in his book to really notice anything suspicious about him. That would have given you a chance to describe the store in more detail.

    Other than that, I didn't see any problems here.

    Battle:
    In short, the battle was done well. You described the attacks with enough detail that I could see pretty clearly what was going on at all times. I should note that Spark is a physical attack; the way you described it made it sound like a special attack.

    While I'm normally adamant about not letting writers capture their Pokemon in a story, this one seems to leave it off with enough of a catch that I can probably let it slide. It probably would have been better to connect this story to the other one in the other story, since you wouldn't have to worry so much about this liability. But it's not a problem in my opinion, so moving on!

    Length:
    Shinx is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 7,072 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    Though the defeated guard made one last lunge towards Andy as he passed, Andy managed to dodge the swing, and continued to run. Knowing that he would have trouble catching up, the guard did the next best thing. He took out his radio from his pocket, and held it up to his mouth.

    "This is Witkowski to base. I have a shoplifter on the loose. Requesting immediate assistance!"

    Well, that can't be good...

    Gotcha! Shinx was caught!

    I didn't have too much to say about this story; I didn't find too many mistakes, but it was kind of...unremarkable. That's not to say it wasn't well-written, though. I'm just thinking that you should make the plot more complex in the future, because you've got everything else pretty much down.

    Enjoy your catch!

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