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Thread: Always

  1. #1
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Always

    AU: Alright. This isn't my best, but it's something. It's a little bit different than a lot of my stories. Not horrific so much as kinda sad and if I'm lucky, touching. Thanks for reading.

    Pokemon Attempted: Spearow
    Needed Characters: 5k
    Actual Characters: 5187

    "Where there is the greatest love, there are always miracles."
    -Willa Cather

    Steven walked into the tall grass with a small Pokemon by his side. He gently rubbed his father’s Raticate between the ears and whispered, “Please help me, Cate.” His father had lent him the brown, tangle-furred rat so that he could catch his first Pokemon. Steven remembered the fear in his father’s eyes when he suggested he go out to find a Pokemon alone. His father hadn’t been the same since his mother….His eyes filled with tears and he shook his head to get rid of the thought. He nervously pulled on the sleeves of his red sweatshirt. He was nine now. He couldn’t keep acting like such a baby.

    As Steven searched for the Pokemon that would be his first partner, a Spearow watched him. When it heard him coming, it had hid in the upper branches of a tree. Now, however, it flew down to a lower branch so it could keep a better eye on him. A gust of wind ruffled its brown and red feathers, causing it to flap its wings restlessly. At the same moment, the breeze pushed back Steven’s messy brown hair. For a moment, the Spearow and Steven seemed to somehow be inverted images of each other. Fierce auburn eyes met emerald green ones.

    “Cate! Go get that Spearow!” The Raticate nodded and began to scurry up the tree the Spearow was sitting in. Before it even had a chance to get close, the Spearow flew away. “Awww….” Steven sighed. “You did good anyways, Cate.” What he didn’t know was that the Spearow hadn’t gone far. It had just flown to a birch tree a few feet off the path. The Spearow watched lovingly as Steven pet his father’s Raticate and walked farther down the trail. Steven couldn’t help his thoughts wandering as he himself wandered aimlessly forward….His mother had always loved autumn. He remembered her as a feeling of warmth, the smell of sugar, a hand wrapped around his. Now he was alone. As if to accentuate his thoughts, the icy wind started back up again. He could no longer stop the tears from coming.

    “Cate?” The Raticate nuzzled him affectionately. Steven buried his head in its fur as he was overcome with memories.

    “Don’t worry, Steven. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

    “Of course I’ll make sure it’s safe!”

    “I love you.”

    That was the one that hit the hardest. I love you. IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. If that was true, then why was she gone? He was sobbing now, making it impossible for either him or Cate to hear the approaching danger. The Ekans rattled its tail, but the boy didn’t seem to hear. It uncoiled itself and flashed the bright yellow warning marking on its stomach. Still no response. Finally, it reared back, preparing to strike. The Spearow saw and leapt into action. Time seemed to slow as the Ekans and Spearow raced. Who would get there first? Just before the Ekans bit down on Steven’s ankle, the Spearow screeched wildly and grabbed it in both claws, before pinning it to a tree. Steven jumped back in surprise, tripping over Cate. The boy and Pokemon lay at the foot of the tree, helplessly entangled. Unfortunately, the Ekans was too heavy for the Spearow to hold up. With all its strength, it pulled back and threw the Ekans away from Steven. Steven scrambled to his feet and called out a command to Cate.

    “Go help that Spearow!” he told her. Cate obeyed and rushed forward to help the exhausted Spearow. “Use Bite!”

    The Ekans tried to stab the Spearow with the sharp stinger on the end of its tail, but Cate grabbed it in her teeth and bit it behind the back of its head. It hissed angrily and aimed for Cate instead. Cate jumped back and the Spearow took its place, attempting to peck its eyes out. The purple snake Pokemon began to slither away and the Spearow stopped attacking it. In that moment, the Ekans flipped around and drove its fangs into the Spearow’s side before racing away. The Spearow stared after it for a moment, stunned, before collapsing.

    “Spearow!” Steven yelled as he ran up to it. He examined the Spearow’s limp body and saw the puncture marks from the Ekans’ teeth. “Oh no….I have to put you in a Pokeball to slow the poison from spreading. Is that okay?” The Spearow nodded weakly. Steven pulled out one of the Pokeballs he had brought with him and gently touched it to the Spearow. It disappeared in a flash of red light. “Come on, Cate!” He began running back to Pewter City.


    “Are you alright Spearow?”

    The Pokemon opened its eyes and was momentarily blinded by the bright fluorescent lights. “Spear…”

    “I think she’s going to be just fine, Mr. Stone,” said a different voice.

    “Thank you very much, Nurse Joy.”

    Steven’s face appeared in the Spearow’s range of vision. He gently picked it up and held its small body to his chest. “I promise I’ll take really good care of you,” he told it. “I’ll never let anything hurt you again.”

    I’m so proud of you Steven…. the Spearow thought, I wish I could tell you….

    Steven stroked its feathers gently, the way he had seen his mother often stroke her Pokemon. “You’re my first Pokemon, Spearow,” he whispered, “I’m going to train you so one day you’ll grow really strong and evolve into a Fearow. Then, someday, we’ll be the best! You’re going to help me be Pokemon Champion. Someday….”

    I love you, Steven. I always will, Spearow thought as it drifted off to sleep.
    Last edited by Alaskapigeon; 28th January 2011 at 12:55 AM.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
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    Default Re: Always

    I'm claiming this.

  3. #3
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
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    Default Re: Always

    Gah, sorry for the really long wait :X


    Before the story itself, we're created with a quote. I noticed you've been using them a good bit now, which is cool. It's so easy to detect what kind of story the reader will be faced with from even as little as one sentence. These quotes generally help to put the reader in the right frame of mind for the story and they also help establish a theme for the story. This one was a tad different from your normal and I *hoped* I'd see an awesome happy story and not another depressing one. XD. So, I'd recommend on continue using these.

    You start the actual story with an introduction to Steven-- a kid who is possibly unlined since the death of his mother and is fighting to act tough for his father. Although the father isn't even a part of the story you do involve him through refernce and the readers gets a clear image of what kind of person he is and we can understand his fear for his son heading out into the big bad world. You create a really awesome image of a Spearow peering at him, while the boy passes by unaware of the bird's presence. Then, I could almost feel the breeze blow by as I read on, which means you established a connection between the reader and the author, which is always good.


    The plot itself wasn't exactly complex, which is what I've come to expect from Simple rank stories. You added some little quirks which kept this from being a 'plain' story. You added emotion to the characters and had a recurring theme of loneliness, evident from Steven's side and also from Spearow's side. There isn't that much more I can say here but you made this plot different that what I've seen from similar stories, awesomesauce. I'd recommend straying away from the norm as much as possible but I'm just ranting now, so let's move on to the next section.


    You hit the nail on the head with this one. Something I've noticed from this, and most of your other stories, is your attention to detail and your nack for knowing when and where to use it. You used powerful words that clearly conveyed what you intended to and the reader gets a vivid image in their mind. Another thing I rarely see, but you took advantange of is the five senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. I'm not sure if you used all of them to your advantage but I did notice sight-- when you described the meeting eyes of the Spearow and human, and touch-- when the icy wind blew by, I could almost feel the tingle in my spine.

    Something you have to understand is that the other senses can be manipulated into your writing just aswell. Could our main character hear the Spearow's agitated clicking sounds its beak made when it was battling? Or, what about the musty smell of the Raticate's fur, or was it a homely smell that reminded him of his deceased mother-- or possibly wet fur? It's up to you to make sure the reader knows these things, and trust me, it really will bring your writing up a notch.


    Yeah, you got it.


    Aight, you know your stuff but there are still some nitty gritty things to work on.

    First up, paragraphing. Whenever there is a change of scene or when someone new begins speaking, you make another paragraph. This just helps seperate things that are meant to be kept seperate and stops those dreadful wall-of-texts occuring; these are a nightmare. You should try and not have one paragraph of description, then someone speaking, then continue the description. This happened a few times and would really be better as three paragraphs. Just keep an eye on the length of some paragraphs and seperating them and you'll do fine.

    Next is commas. You use these in the right places almost everywhere and they suit your style of writing, but when addressing a person by their name or title, you put a comma before the name/title.

    "Are you alright Spearow?"
    Should read as...

    "Are you alright, Spearow?"
    Otherwise, you're good here.

    Personal Feelings:

    This was a nice little story and a much-welcome break from all those depressing ones. It seemed almost like a taster of something much bigger and better, which is awesome. With a little bit more put into including all of the senses, or as much as is fit, and watch the comma placement your stories will get even better. SO KEEP IT UP. As for now... Spearow Captured!


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