Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

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  1. #1
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Author's note: I don't know about Thriller, so this story couldn't be much thrilling.

    Genre: Thriller
    Setting: Alternate Universe
    Characters: Human main
    Pokemon: Elgyem
    Target: Medium, 10k-20k
    CC: 11067 (IDK since last revision)

    ---

    It was another day at the headquarters of Magneton Incorporated. It was a 30-storey building which contained offices, workplaces and the workers. The Magneton Incorporated produced items for every aspiring Trainer as an affiliate of Silph Co. because of the increasingly high numbers of new Trainers.

    At the top-most floor, Vincent Magneton sat in front of his office table doing the whole stocks and numbers of the company. He was a man in his late twenties, a strikingly tall man with a young face and black hair that is cut cleanly. His body was well-built for someone who works almost non-stop while sitting and having the air-conditioner on normally cold temperatures. He was typing spreadsheets for his next shareholder's meeting, which would happen two days after.

    BEEP. The sound from the beeper he pressed to call his secretary. Not a long moment later, his secretary arrived.

    "Yes, Mr. Magneton?" his secretary asked. His secretary was Alicia Beheiyem, a strong-postured woman in her early twenties. Her red hair fell down smoothly at her shoulders. Her nicely-ironed uniformed were of a shade of blue. A yellow skirt hid her legs up to her knees. Black platform boots added more to her height.

    "Make sure to notify the shareholders. Also, please check out the internet connection. It gets slower through the days," he said while tidying up his brown plaid polo shirt.

    "Yes sir," she replied and she went outside.

    Vincent went back to his work laptop. The laptop was a sleek gray model that was truly suited for professional office work. Beside it was his name bar indicating "Vincent F. Magneton, CEO" which was made of varnished oak wood. His black pen-holder stood near and held his black pen.

    Suddenly, his laptop showed a notification of a private message. "Hmm, I do not expect a message," he wondered. It could be important, so he checked it out. After clicking on it, all of the lights in his office suddenly blinked on and off and his laptop showed a hypnotizing screen. Vincent had a headache from the dizzying motion of lights. He tried pressing the buzzer, but went out of consciousness before reaching it.

    Vincent woke up, the previous headache banging in his head like a heavy mallet. Still, he managed to stood up, and saw what he was not expecting. He was in an open field full of green grass and the sky was on a tint of sunset orange. But there was a mysterious feeling on this place like something was different or off. He wanted to know these mysteries. Where is he? Who made him go here? He walked slowly to find civilization, the headache slowly fading away.

    He found one, although he was feeling a strange presence. The houses were normal, with lawns, walls, and windows viable for a "normal" civilization. The place was silent, too silent to qualify for eerie. Cold wind was blowing, making Vincent sweat cold. He walked on, alert on any other creatures or any human. He was certain this is not the planet he was on previously before the incident.

    Walking more, he saw a commotion. But what is more strange is that the commotion were of alien-like creatures. They were bluish-gray, they had large and oblong heads with two bent lines and a forked line in the middle of the other two lines. They had green eyes with a faint tinge of blue. They have hands with three finger-like digits of colors red, green and yellow. They also have short, stubby legs and a small tail. Vincent recognized them as Elgyem, the Cerebral Pokemon.

    While looking inconspicuous, he looked to the commotion. What he saw was terribly inhumane. Two humans were battling. But not normal street fights. It was as if they were Pokemon. Their eyes were blank and denoted loss of sentience.

    "Use Aura Sphere, you useless flesh!" the Elgyem shouted.

    Without resistance, the human formed a blue ball of energy and shot it to the other enemy.

    "Retaliate with Close Combat!" the other Elgyem commanded.

    The same as the other human, the man zoomed closer to his enemy and started to beat him without concern to his defenses or his safety.

    "What is this?" Vincent was terrified on this. He ran away while still keeping his inconspicuousness.

    He hid in a dark alley, his breath resisting to be taken back. He cannot believe he was on this place. He was thinking to try finding a way to return to his place. He was definitely not safe to be here.

    "I should get a safe place. But where?" he asked until he turned his head to the left. He saw an Elgyem and he presumed that the Cerebral Pokemon also saw him. He confirmed this when the Elgyem ran nearer to him with its stubby feet. "Run!" he screamed to himself and ran.

    "Wait! I mean no harm," the Elgyem shouted as an effort to stop Vincent and used its psychic powers to levitate and to cover more speed than running.

    Vincent should never stopped running. He raced through the many mazes of the alleys that is dark enough to see clearly. He jumped and sprinted to every obstacle and the clear paths of the roads. If he was caught, he was sure he would receive the fate of the previous humans he saw.

    "I told you to stop, human!" the Elgyem decided to use its Psychic abilities to send Vincent over a headache.

    "No, I won't!" Vincent dodged over the pink waves that almost hit him.

    "Trust me, human," the Elgyem sent off a powerful Psychic to entangle him over.

    Vincent's heart beat fast when the psychic energies entangled him until it came to a stop. He inhaled air and tried to relax. "What do you want?"

    "As I said, I mean no harm. I have no interest on battling, so I decided to help you, Vincent."

    "H-how did you know about my name?" Vincent was shocked at the Elgyem's offer.

    "I can read minds. We're Psychic-types, remember?" Elgyem reacted somewhat sarcastically.

    "Oh yeah, right. Where am I?" Vincent managed to say at his shock on the Elgyem's tone of voice.

    "You're in a world where we Pokemon rule over humans. You are currently in the territory of Elgyems and we pretty much rule here," the Elgyem said in a matter-of-factly tone.

    "How did I get here?" Vincent asked, hoping for an answer.

    "Every Elgyem here has their own human, except for me. If an Elgyem wanted to have their own human, they would tell the Superior Office and the office would teleport a random human to this world."

    "Now that my mind has been cleared a bit, how could you help me?"

    "First, we need a place somewhere safe," the Elgyem said and used its Psychic abilities to teleport them away...

    ---

    Vincent woke up from an unannounced sleep. He was in the open fields again, with the night sky still bright enough to illuminate a short range of eyesight. He saw the Elgyem, preparing a strange altar of wooden built.

    "What's that?" Vincent asked.

    "The teleportation device I can use to return you to any place."

    "When would it be ready?" Vincent asked again.

    "There is yet another missing piece here. But there is a slight problem. I can only get from certain Elgyems as a prize. I do not have any humans, so would you say yes for this one?" the Elgyem explained as if he failed on rewording it.

    "Wait over there. You want me to be your human just to get something for that randomity of yours?" Vincent was shocked on his situation.

    "Well, yes. There is another way, but I don't want the Elgyem Police to catch us both. That is much worse than the first option, in my opinion."

    "Hmm, I guess I will take the first one," Vincent sighed.

    "Okay! Let me do the ritual of 'retrieving'. I shall do you a weaker version. I have control of you, but you still get sentience. I must tell you this: act like you're completely retrieved. If they noticed the weak chain I applied on you, they will try to retrieve you. That means you would lose your sentience until they wished to," the Elgyem warned Vincent.

    "Sure, let's do this fast," Vincent agreed with nervousness in his voice.

    After a few incantations of alien-like language, Vincent was ready to battle. "Let's do this," Vincent said.

    They reached the city at around midnight even with the help of Elgyem's power. At the middle of the street, the Elgyem said with a voice amplified with its Psychic power. "I am looking for a special piece for something quite unimportant but needed. Anyone who has it, I challenge you!" the Elgyem announced.

    The crowd fell silent until another Elgyem went in front and said, "I'll take you on! My special piece to you but your human for me."

    "Deal," the Elgyem agreed upon while Vincent was getting nervous but he had to keep his unsentient look.

    The battle had started. Vincent against a human with a fat built and large muscles. "Go use Mach Punch!" Vincent's Elgyem had said.

    Without notice, Vincent suddenly moved fast and slammed his fist to the enemy. He was successful on his Mach Punch and was not at the slightest hurt. In fact, he felt he had nothing to worry or any responsibility to manage. He was like floating on something soft.

    In retaliation, the opponent's Elgyem commanded, "Body Slam!"

    Like the humans he saw earlier, Vincent was squashed by the fat man. Unlike how he felt light-headed when he sent his Mach Punch, he felt like he was sandwiched between two rocks. After a while, he escaped from the large mass of fat that stuck him to the ground.

    "Use Stone Edge!" Vincent's Elgyem said to retaliate more.

    He suddenly picked up rocks that were sharp enough and ran towards the fat human. Like the previous feeling, he felt the most enjoyable feeling he cannot compare much.

    "Iron Defense!" the enemy's Elgyem shouted at the nick of time.

    As Vincent slashed the fat mass with rocks, the human went into a steady state of hardness. The rocks were destroyed into pebbles.

    "Do another Stone Edge!" Vincent's Elgyem said impatiently.

    "Aerial Ace!" the enemy's Elgyem shouted back.

    Vincent and the human zoomed into each other, slashing with rocks or claws they had. Vincent attacked the fat man with the rocks opening up wounds while his enemy was clawing him with his suddenly sharp claws. The two battlers landed on the battlefield with the sudden anticipating silence that made the spectating Elgyems shocked.

    Vincent felt pain searing his skin, but he should not lose. For the first time in his life, pain has never been this long. His feet was close to falling over, but he tried to endure this. One, two, three, four, five seconds and still counting had passed but for Vincent, it was like an hour.

    To everyone's delight, the fat man had fallen to the ground and fainted. Elgyem and Vincent shook in glee along with the other spectators. As dealt over a while ago, the other Elgyem gave the missing piece and walked out without sportsmanship.

    ---

    "Now it's ready," Elgyem announced to Vincent who fell asleep on the green grass.

    "Huh? Let's do it," Vincent yawned. It was the time of dawn, but the little nap helped him to stay awake.

    "Just stand into the altar," the Elgyem said eagerly with no reason.

    Vincent stepped into the altar, a wooden elevation with nothing to elaborate with. As he stood on the middle, the Elgyem said, "Now, close your eyes."

    Vincent obeyed with no hesitation, he was excited to return to his original land. As seconds passed by, black tendrils of smoke wrapped Vincent into a trance.

    "W-what are you doing?" Vincent managed to say while trying to get his consciousness on.

    "Since you will be mine, I'll tell you the truth. I lied. As simple as that. I was the one who asked the Superior Office to get a human. The piece, along with the altar, was meant for the ritual of 'total reception'. I can see your resistance in your every step. That's why I had to use this method, so you can't do much resistance. I'm sorry, even though I'm not," the Elgyem said with an evil smirk.

    "You cannot do this!" Vincent tried to resist, but the tendrils enveloped him more until he can't resist no more. He tried all his might, but to no avail. His brownish-black eyes turned pitch-black. All of his resisting muscles calmed down. He turned into a mindless being. A creature of no sentience for battling. A complicated form of nothing...

    ---

    A week later, at Earth, news spread out about Vincent's sudden absence. Many people tried to speculate for answers. Some thought that he just had a secret vacation, while some suspected murder. But there are people who just can't be notified of the truth.
    Last edited by Voltaire Magneton; 30th April 2013 at 04:17 AM.

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  2. #2
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Claiming! I'll try to have this up as soon as I can.

  3. #3
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Introduction: We’re thrown right in the middle of everything. I liiiike it. Well, at least for stories of this length, as we waste little time with simple hello’s and can get right in the action.

    Okay so. Right from the get-go, the readers are introduced to the main character, Vincent Magneton. He runs one of the Pokéworld’s largest industries, Magneton Inc. and is a young prodigy. I had my reservations about him, as he seemed quite cliché, to be honest, but I wasn’t ready to dispatch his potential quite yet. You grabbed my attention with this introduction, which was the precise point of doing this in the first place!

    I don’t have much to say here, as your introduction was pretty short. Again, a short introduction is often just how I like it, so no complaints either.

    Story/Plot: The speedy introduction led me to believe that you were going to have an in-depth and complicated plot that took up the rest of your story, but the rapid pace continued on. While not necessarily a bad thing, the readers were rarely exposed to some of the more interesting parts of your story that you had going on. Were the Elgyem normal, or were they a super-breed that had control over humans? Was the alternate universe one where Pokemon could control humans, or was the alternate universe one where only Elgyem could control Pokemon? I had bundles of questions, and I was hoping you could answer them in an effective and interesting way.

    However, I never really got these answers. Your story was more a telling of events. Your point got across, but the reader was never fully immersed in the universe you created. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the reader only read, but they didn’t comprehend or develop in their mind. This can be remedied by using your description in a certain way (finding a balance between literally describing and making the reader imagine), the way you speak (don’t directly address the audience unless you’re going for, but remember to keep them interested – the story is more for the audience than the Pokemon!), but most importantly, you have to have an interactive plot. I honestly can’t give too much advice on this, as it’s a skill that can only be learned and not taught, but you’re definitely starting on the path. You have cliffhangers, suspense, and parts where true emotion can be found. Hone your skills regarding captivating the audience, and you’ll be sure to succeed.

    Here’s a wonderfully helpful link. I’ve used it countless times in the past, both in explaining things to writers and to help my own work, so I think it could be beneficial to you if you give it a look: Audience - The Writing Center . I know it might seem useless and even patronizing, but I make sure to read over this before I ever submit anything, even if it’s an educational paper. It helps me ‘check myself’ before I send out my paper, instantly making me more confident and feel stronger about the paper as a whole. I highly suggest checking it out if you have the time.

    Climax: Ahh, one of the key parts of a story. This is where everything all comes together, especially in a thriller. The purpose is to find resolutions to everything, to answer all that’s been asked, even if they’re left blank intentionally. Your climax was probably the strongest part of your entire story, as you surprised the reader and ended the story abruptly. Intentionally or not, it fit quite well with the theme and plot from the story, so kudos. This abrupt ending won’t always work, but you pulled it off, and it complimented the fast-writing style you had held up throughout the entire story.

    If there is one thing that I can add, however, is that you should try to feed your audience with some answers. This sounds completely sadistic, but you want your readers to starve, but you don’t want to kill them. Ugh that sounds so awful. THE POINT IS. Give your readers what they need to survive (aka what they need to feel closure about your story), but don’t give them anything more. This survival level varies from story to story, and it’s very difficult to find where this balance is, as each reader reacts differently. However, getting in the general ballpark is still solid, so just make sure to keep in mind what you’ve said and what you have intentionally not said. I honestly can’t say how you did on this section, as I had little room to expect answers, but I definitely felt like there were things missing from your conclusion. YOU KILLED ME BY STARVATION. But yeah, just keep your eye out for what your reader knows. Remember, we don’t know all that goes on in your head, and the only information we have is what you give us, so pay us respect in that regard. If that makes sense.

    Grammar/Conventions: Hmm. As a whole, not awful (aka pretty solid). However, upon closer examination, there are definitely some flaws with the physical sides of your story. Rather than give some broad lecture, I think I’ll just hop in and point out the actual errors, as I think it might be the most beneficial to you in the future.

    First off:

    Vincent went back to his work laptop. The laptop is a sleek gray model that is truly suited for professional office work.
    This is one example of a common error I found throughout your story: you constantly switched between the tenses. Past-tense, as if you were telling this story like a memory, seemed to be the most common. It’s generally the standard as story-telling goes, particularly within URPG. Present-tense, as if the story is occurring at this very moment, popped up as well. Both structures work perfectly, as long as they’re constant throughout. In this sentence and several others, however, you switched between them. This can be quite jarring to the reader, and though it might seem like a tiny error, it can often ruin the flow of your story. This can be solved by proof-reading just a tad closer, as spellcheck and the like won’t find errors like these!

    Another thing I noticed was the switch between the narrator’s perspective:

    The two battlers landed on the battlefield in a pose of waiting someone to fall over and lose. One, two, three, four, five seconds and still counting had passed and made some Elgyems shocked. They know someone will fall, but who?
    There are many different classifications of a speaker, especially if they’re narrating, but the two that I felt played a role in your story were omniscient and not, if that makes sense. Basically, an omniscient narrator is “the all-seeing eye,” and a non-omniscient narrator (yeah that’s probably not the official term) is just another person, basically. The key difference is that the omniscient narrator knows exactly what will happen throughout the story while the other does not. I mentioned the passage above because you switched between the two. The narrator at the beginning was speaking omnisciently, as if it could see everything. However, the narrator at the end was asking a question, implying that it didn’t know all. Again, there’s nothing wrong with using one or the other – both can work out flawlessly in their respective stories – the issue is with consistency. You should probably choose one and stick with it, as it can make reading much smoother and ‘flow-ey’ for the readers.

    You should notice that these grammar gripes are pretty specific. This is because you generally have a solid grasp on grammar as a whole, but there are certain specialized areas that you’re lacking in. The whole story was pretty solid, aside from the occasional flat-out error, but that can all be fixed with spell-check or minor proofreading. These suggestions are around to make your story even stronger. There’s nothing fundamentally wrong with most of your errors. However, if you want to keep your readers interested and continue to learn the countless rules of English, keep these suggestions in mind.

    My main point of advice is simply to scour through your stories with a fine-toothed comb. Proofreading works wonders. I know you have a solid foundation on grammar, and your grader test and previous stories (as well as most of this story too!) can show that. If you look through your story with a magnifying glass before posting it, you’ll undoubtedly catch on some errors that you didn’t notice before. Reread your story, possibly aloud, and identify all your errors before you post it, and you’ll inevitably have a stronger story as a result.

    Outcome: This was honestly quite tough. While the fundamentals of the story were there, I felt that the plot was very simple and pretty borderline for this rank. Your semi-frequent grammatical errors didn’t help, and the lack of pacing made reading confusing and difficult. Overall, I felt the negatives out-weighed the positives, and I’ll have to say that Elgyem is not captured. You’re just not quite there. A few simple patches and revisions can easily make this story better and worthy of the Pokemon. Keep in mind the tips that I’ve provided, and just ask me for a re-grade if you decide to follow up – I would be more than happy to see this story evolve and capture the Elgyem!

    Write-a-Roll Outcome: Well, first of all, let’s examine your prompt itself.

    Genre: Thriller
    Setting: Alternate Universe
    Characters: Human main
    One thing that is easy to cover is the character. As expected, you certainly covered this. Vincent Magneton is undoubtedly the main, so there isn’t much to comment on. However, the two other aspects are a bit foggier. I can see your attempt at Thriller, and it’s honestly not bad for a first-timer. However, I can tell that your grasp on the subject isn’t quite where it should be. You have a few of the ‘twist’ elements and even some form of a conspiracy theory, but this story doesn’t really give off the “thrilling” emotion. Thrillers are supposed to draw in the reader with daggers. Hook them without them knowing it. Finding the balance between disguising and exposing the workings of the story, especially in a flow, is quite difficult. I don’t think this balance was achieved, and I don’t think that you stuck to the prompt closely enough to validate the direct prize.

    If you wish to correct the story to the point where Elgyem is captured but don’t want to update the plot to better follow your prompt, I would reward you with a Simple Pokemon. Again, because you must have the story a success in order to claim a prize, this is only a tentative score. You can update your story to better facilitate to the prompt to achieve a higher rank, but nothing’s stopping you from just updating so that your story can be a success. It’s entirely up to you, but keep this as a reference if you want to make any significant changes.

  4. #4
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Regrade:

    Well, I've seen that you made some changes! I can tell that your story's conventions have been smoothed out, that you scoured this thoroughly for all my applicable suggestions, and that you spent some time on this! You fixed the examples I pointed out, which definitely demonstrated that you understood all that I was asking for. The plot stayed much the same, which is actually okay. A few more descriptions and the like definitely filled up some of the gaps you had in your previous entry, so I feel that you've earned the reward. Elgyem is captured! Nice job with noting on what I asked for, and I'm thinking you came out of this as a better writer!

    However, I didn't notice a significant change in the Write-a-Roll prompt side of your story. As I said previously, the plot stayed basically the same. It's still the same slightly-confusing and mildly cliché thriller, which was fine. However, because I don't notice any major changes, I will have to stay true to my previous judgment - you're still limited to claiming one Simple Pokémon as a prize when this competition officially ends (May 31st). If you want to aim higher, feel free to send me a notification if you decide you're not satisfied with a Simple Pokémon, and I'll get right on the regrade. None of this delaying shizz X__X

    Have fun with your new Elgyem, and start thinking about what Pokémon it is that you want for a prize!

  5. #5
    Dauntless Fried Chicken Voltaire Magneton's Avatar
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    Default Re: Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Quote Originally Posted by Princess Crow View Post
    Regrade:

    Well, I've seen that you made some changes! I can tell that your story's conventions have been smoothed out, that you scoured this thoroughly for all my applicable suggestions, and that you spent some time on this! You fixed the examples I pointed out, which definitely demonstrated that you understood all that I was asking for. The plot stayed much the same, which is actually okay. A few more descriptions and the like definitely filled up some of the gaps you had in your previous entry, so I feel that you've earned the reward. Elgyem is captured! Nice job with noting on what I asked for, and I'm thinking you came out of this as a better writer!

    However, I didn't notice a significant change in the Write-a-Roll prompt side of your story. As I said previously, the plot stayed basically the same. It's still the same slightly-confusing and mildly cliché thriller, which was fine. However, because I don't notice any major changes, I will have to stay true to my previous judgment - you're still limited to claiming one Simple Pokémon as a prize when this competition officially ends (May 31st). If you want to aim higher, feel free to send me a notification if you decide you're not satisfied with a Simple Pokémon, and I'll get right on the regrade. None of this delaying shizz X__X

    Have fun with your new Elgyem, and start thinking about what Pokémon it is that you want for a prize!
    I'll just be happy with the Simple Pokemon, which I can claim on May 31st or now?

    URPG STATS! Claimed Dusknoir! Leppa Berry! Exp. Share! Pick Up! Headbutt! Petalburg Woods Forums!

  6. #6
    Head of Stories Princess Crow's Avatar
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    Default Re: Alternate [Write-A-Roll]

    Quote Originally Posted by Voltaire Magneton View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Princess Crow View Post
    Regrade:

    Well, I've seen that you made some changes! I can tell that your story's conventions have been smoothed out, that you scoured this thoroughly for all my applicable suggestions, and that you spent some time on this! You fixed the examples I pointed out, which definitely demonstrated that you understood all that I was asking for. The plot stayed much the same, which is actually okay. A few more descriptions and the like definitely filled up some of the gaps you had in your previous entry, so I feel that you've earned the reward. Elgyem is captured! Nice job with noting on what I asked for, and I'm thinking you came out of this as a better writer!

    However, I didn't notice a significant change in the Write-a-Roll prompt side of your story. As I said previously, the plot stayed basically the same. It's still the same slightly-confusing and mildly cliché thriller, which was fine. However, because I don't notice any major changes, I will have to stay true to my previous judgment - you're still limited to claiming one Simple Pokémon as a prize when this competition officially ends (May 31st). If you want to aim higher, feel free to send me a notification if you decide you're not satisfied with a Simple Pokémon, and I'll get right on the regrade. None of this delaying shizz X__X

    Have fun with your new Elgyem, and start thinking about what Pokémon it is that you want for a prize!
    I'll just be happy with the Simple Pokemon, which I can claim on May 31st or now?

    You'll claim it on the 31st, when the competition officially ends.

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