The Aloof Bidoof
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  1. #1
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Post The Aloof Bidoof

    Target Pokemon: Bidoof
    Target Level: Simple
    Target Character Number: 5-10K
    Achieved Character Number: 6767



    The Aloof Bidoof


    Neon sat outside on his doorstep eagerly awaiting the arrival of the afternoon mail. With its a arrival he would reach he would receive his pass to explore the world. This mail would enter him into the exciting world of being a pokemon trainer. The mail contained his first pokemon companion and his new poketch.

    As he witnessed Mr. Stone, the mailman, walking his way he held his breath trying not to show any of the bubbling excitement that was growing with every passing second. With every step Mr. Stone took, Neon felt his heart skip a beat. When Mr. Stone finally reached his house Neon was fighting the urge to jump up and scream with joy. Neon calmly stood up and greeted Mr. Stone as if it was just a normal day.

    “Hello Mr. Stone. Do you have any mail for us today?” asked Neon knowing full well what the answer was.

    “Well I have some bills, a letter from your Aunt Caroline, and a package from your dad,” answered Mr. Stone.
    Time froze still for Neon.

    “You... Your sure there isn’t anything else? No packages made out to me from the Pokemon Regulation Board of Sinnoh?” asked Neon with more than a little bit of frantic stuttering.

    “Not that I can find. Were you expecting something?”

    Neon’s heart dropped at those words.
    “Yes. I was told my poketch and first pokemon would be arriving today.”

    “Well I believe I had a package that resembled that, but it must have fallen out sometime on my way here.”

    Neon perked up upon hearing that.
    “Do you know where it may have fallen?”

    “I recall feeling like my bag has been lighter ever since I stopped at Lake Verity. I didn’t think much of it then.”

    “Well then I am off to check it out.”

    As Neon started off Mr. Stone called to him, “You should check the package your dad sent you, it might help!”

    Mr. Stone tossed him the package and Neon furiously tore it open. As he saw the running shoes his father sent him, Neon made a mental note to call his father and thank him profusely when he got his poketch. After switching shoes and tossing his old pair onto the front porch step, Neon was off.

    Upon arrival at Lake Verity, Neon couldn’t help but admire his surroundings. The forest was in many different shades because of the season change to fall. Leaves drifted through the wind at each gentle breeze, contrasting the deep blue of the lake waves that brushed ashore. After taking in the sights and beauty of the lake, Neon noticed a small pair of eyes a little ways off that were staring at him. To his surprise it was a Bidoof lounging about chomping on a piece of bark.

    As Neon looked at the Bidoof, it immediately turned its eyes to the plank of wood that it was chewing on as if it hadn’t even noticed Neon. This was to the dismay of Neon because, upon closer inspection, he noticed the Bidoof was lounging upon Neon’s package. Neon had once had a very traumatizing experience with a Bidoof. Wood and fur were everywhere. Not a pleasant experience.
    Neon would have to face his fears and would have to trick this Bidoof to get it away from his package. Thinking quickly Neon went around and collected berries to offer the Bidoof in return for his package. This managed to get the Bidoof to at least look at him, but it refused to budge. Neon searched some more and added more berries and some large pieces of wood to the pile. The Bidoof still acted as aloof as ever and refused to even look at this “meager” offering.

    Then out of the corner of his eye Neon spotted a blue and pink pokemon floating over top of the lake surface, but the next moment it was gone. In its place there was a floating piece of wood that had an almost golden aura to it. Neon quick went over and grabbed it taking every little detail of it in. It was the perfect size and durability for chewing. Upon offering this piece of wood to the Bidoof, it gave up any attempts at being aloof and stayed transfixed on the wood and it’s majesty. Neon placed the piece of wood on the edge of the lake and waited for the Bidoof to head for it.

    When the Bidoof finally got up and stalked over to the wood, Neon dashed and grabbed his package opening it whilst giggling like a little kid. The sight he saw was gorgeous, his new poketch and pokeball shone in the sunlight just waiting for him to use them. Quickly he strapped on his new poketch and used it on the Bidoof.

    “Bidoof, the Plump Mouse Pokemon. It gnaws on trees and rocks with its strong front teeth and lives in nests near the water.” recited the poketch.

    Now it was time for Neon to get even with this stubborn pokemon. He grabbed his pokeball and ran his fingers over its smooth service.

    Neon threw the pokeball into the air while yelling, “Come on out Murkrow!” From the pokeball erupted a black shadow that soared elegantly blocking out the sun and covering Neon in shadow.

    “Murkrow attack Bidoof with pursuit!” commanded Neon.

    Murkrow expertly dove from the air and hit the now irate Bidoof. Bidoof countered by growling loudly as if to warn Murkrow what it was getting into. Murkrow was a little bit startled and was hesitant with what it should do next.

    “Use haze and stay sharp, you can take him!” reassured Neon.

    Murkrow swept down and surrounded itself in a haze that emanated from the lake. Bidoof took this as its reassured answer that the Murkrow was here to fight and immediately jumped at Murkrow using Hyper Fang. Murkrow was hit hard. Murkrow fell backwards into the lake with a loud splash.

    “Murkrow, recover and use Sucker Punch!”

    With this, Murkrow emerged from the water leaving a trail of water that refracted the light into a trailing rainbow. It flew high up into the air and came back down using the momentum to give an extra strong sucker punch. Bidoof was starting to tire and decided that the fight needed to end. It grabbed onto Murkrow and hammered him with a devastating close range Superpower. Murkrow was down on the ground and he couldn’t move. Bidoof waddled over to his new piece of wood to take a needed rest, thinking the fight was over because Murkrow couldn’t move.

    “Murkrow, don’t try moving! Get him to come to you with a taunt!”
    Murkrow taunted the beaver, even though Murkrow was obviously at the disagvantage. The bidoof became enraged and charged the bird with one final tackle.

    "Now Murkrow, put everything you have into one last sucker punch!" And with that, a shadow fist appeared directly between the Murkrow and Bidoof. The fist wound up and smashed the Bidoof across it's face, reversing it's momentum back into itself. The bidoof then fell limp onto the ground.

    “Great job Murkrow. You did everything a trainer could have asked for. Now, for you” Neon reached into his pocket and grabbed a pokeball and threw at the immobile Bidoof hoping that he had done enough to get this powerful partner on his side.
    Last edited by Neonsands; 19th June 2010 at 03:01 PM.

  2. #2
    Black and White, no Gray Feolthanos Exultant's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aloof Bidoof (Please don't grade until after NWC)

    Just a note that I saw for realistic issues: Night Shade wouldn't normally have any effect on Bidoof. That's all!

    ~Nick

    ^Made by the unrivaled Blazaking EX, edited by me =) Shop is open, click on the banner to go to the thread!

  3. #3
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aloof Bidoof (Please don't grade until after NWC)

    Quote Originally Posted by Njb013 View Post
    Just a note that I saw for realistic issues: Night Shade wouldn't normally have any effect on Bidoof. That's all!

    ~Nick
    Thank you dearly for picking that out. This was my first story, and I didn't do quite the amount of research I put into other stories. It is now fixed. Hopefully it works a lot better.

  4. #4
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aloof Bidoof (Please don't grade until after NWC)

    Claim, NWC is over! so i don't really want to go through the legistics of where i would place it on my list so i'm just going to claim it

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  5. #5
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Aloof Bidoof (Claimed)

    Argh, I was ready to grade this when I ckauned. Just had to wait your response... Maybe I should write these things down lol.

    Guess who finally found time to regrade?
    This is going to be a whole new grade since its been awhile since the last grade:


    Intro:
    Section 1: Hook
    At first it seemed like another: "Receive a new Pokemon, go find a first Pokemon I see, ???, profit" story. But then, the twist drew me in, what happened to his Pokemon???

    Section 2: The Character
    Neon wears running shoes. That's really all i know about your character's outfit. Though, what your character lacks in clothing, he makes up for spirit. Your dialouge and his reactions to certain situations tells us a lot more about Neon than that he wears blue jeans, though I still want to know.

    Plot/Reality:
    Again, the twist was good. Bidoof was much more involved in your story than a simple "oh look its pretty i want it" kinda way. It was a good incorporation of the lake gaurdian too. Seeing the desperation in Neon's situation.

    I would like to know a little bit more about the Bidoof mishap, since you very breifly mention it.

    The only thing that got me was the poketch acting like a pokedex. It's fine if you introduce that it has a special application, but you need to talk about that, since it hasn't been used in canon as a pokedex (to my knowledge).

    Also, though this is very minor, how does Neon know that the wood was "the perfect size and durability for chewing." It was a funny little thing that made me wonder, "I guess Neon chews on wood in his spare time."

    Length:
    I usually put down this section if it needs to be adressed somehow in terms of too short or way long, but I wanted say that, while your story was on the lower end of the recommended number, it flowed nicely and had enough detail to seem like a longer story.

    Grammar:
    A few bits:
    Paragraphing, remember that when a someone new acts, it should get a new paragraph.
    Neon’s heart dropped at those words.
    “Yes. I was told my poketch and first pokemon would be arriving today.”
    He is doing both, so it is fine to put it in the same paragraph. But, since you don't double space, it looks like a mistake.


    With its a arrival he would reach
    Even though it should be "an," either wouldn't make sense. You should just drop the "a."

    You... Your sure there isn’t anything else?
    "You are" --> You're

    “Bidoof, the Plump Mouse Pokemon. It gnaws on trees and rocks with its strong front teeth and lives in nests near the water.” recited the poketch.
    Recite is treated like said or spoke, so the "." should be a ","

    “Use haze and stay sharp, you can take him!” reassured Neon.
    They are two phrases that stand as sentences, so use a semicolon or just seperate them, since a comma doesn't do that.

    Detail:
    Again, little detail in Neon's look.
    I recommend, for the future, just a little more detail in describe the Pokemon. One phrase doesn't really cut it anymore since we're up to over 500 pokemon.

    The battle moves were nicely described, showing the reader exactly how the moves are executed (haze in particular). Though, you use "hit" a lot. You should detail the reaction to the attacks more, like the Super Fang bit into Murkrow, piercing its dark feathery body and causing it to yelp in pain.

    Personal Feelings:
    I like it, it was a fast and enjoyable read. I esspecially like the title.

    Verdict

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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