All Bugged Up(READY FOR GRADING)
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  1. #1
    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Default All Bugged Up(READY FOR GRADING)

    I had just got my new pokemon called Charmander from the Professor. "Alright Charmander let's train up" I told the fire lizard as I clicked open his Poke Ball. When he came out,he looked puzzled as why I was his new trainer. "Char?" it asked.

    There was an awkward silence as we looked into each other's eyes. Suddenly,we heard a rustle in the bushes by Charmander. "Is that a pokemon I hear?" I said to myself. A Caterpie popped out of the bushes. "CHARMANDER" my Charmander screamed before letting out a burning Ember.

    The Caterpie was burnt as black as night. I felt tiny burning embers on my shirt. "Hey Charmander don't do that" I yelled at the tiny lizard. The Caterpie in defense,shot string all over me. The yarn like substance wrapped around my body. "Thanks a bundle Charmander,now we have to fight it" I said sarcastically. I slipped out of the string to see Charmander and Caterpie in battle mode.

    "Now Charmander let loose an Ember" I commanded the pocket monster. A burst of flames were let out,then the Caterpie swiftly dodged it. "Wow your one fast Caterpie,I may need to catch you" I said. The Caterpie charged at Charmander. POW! Charmander was sent flying by the Tackle attack. "Charmander Smokescreen" I ordered my pokemon. Charmander shot out a black ball of smoke and made a huge cloud of smoke. The Caterpie was confused and kept looking around. "Charmander use scratch" I wheezed through the smoke.

    The Caterpie was caught off guard,then fainted. "Alright let's see......NO POKE BALLS" I screeched. While I was ranting,the Caterpie fled. "Damn,I'm stupid"I finished.

    I headed to the Poke Center to heal my Charmander. "Here you go" I told the Nurse Joy. She looked at my face for a moment,like she knew me from somewhere. "Your the guy who left your bag earlier" she said before carrying off my Charmander. I looked over at the table to see my brown bag. I went off to go pick it up. "So this is where all the Poke Balls were...."

    After my Charmander was healed,I headed back to the same spot I found Caterpie. I was expecting to see it again,but it didn't show up. "Let me check the Pokedex" I mumbled. It scanned this:
    Caterpie do not tend to come back to a spot they were defeated. They tend to go to a different spot. HOWEVER,some Caterpie tend to come back.

    "Maybe,just MAYBE" I hoped. I clicked my Poke Ball,letting out Charmander. "Charmander,I want you to go look for Caterpie. If you find it send a Ember attack up in the air." Charmander nodded then set out looking for Caterpie. I saw embers very quickly,then started to run in that direction.

    When I found Charmander,Caterpie was also there. "Last time I didn't have Poke Balls,now I do" I explained to the Caterpie. I was too slow as it fired it's String Shot at Charmander. "Alright Charmander,use Metal Claw" I said. Charmander was puzzled at the new order,then tried it out. Charmander scratched the Caterpie with a claw of metal.

    The Caterpie screamed "CATER" before fainting. I pulled out a Poke Ball from my bag. "EAT THIS"I threw the Poke Ball directly at Caterpie. It wiggled,then wiggled. "Am I going to capture it?"I asked myself. It wiggled again. Charmander stared as the ball wiggled. "I have to catch it" I said. Then the ball let out a flash and it escaped. "Char" Charmander cried out. "Don't worry I know where it is" I told him.

    Using my Pokedex as a guide,I came across a sign that said:DO NOT ENTER. I ignored it,but called back Charmander into it's Poke Ball. The trail led to a field full of Caterpie. When I looked even closer I saw a tiny pink pokemon. It was a Mew. When it saw me it fled,and so did the Caterpie. Except one.
    "So you do want to join me" I asked the Caterpie. It nodded yes,then I threw a Poke Ball. It wiggled,and wiggled,but I was stopped. A man dressed in black with a huge red R came over. He wore a black hat over his green hair. Judging from his stern face,he was not a very nice person. Suddenly memories of my life 2 years ago came rushing back.......

    "Like this" my older brother Mark said. He threw a Poke Ball at a shiny Nidorino. It let off a click declaring it's capture. "Wow,that's so cool Mark" a 9 year old boy said. The 9 year old boy was me,duh!

    "Yeah,it's also a shiny" Mark said. I looked at him,then I remembered what a shiny pokemon was. He handed me the shiny Nidorino. "It's yours to keep as a pet" he remarked. I couldn't hold back a grin. I smiled and started dancing. "Mark gave me a shiny Nidorino" I chanted. Then a man in a black uniform with a red R came over.

    "I'm from Team Rocket and I'm going to steal that special pokemon" he told us. Mark couldn't hold in his anger. He clicked a Poke Ball letting out a Lucario. "Battle me first" he taunted. Almost like they practiced,Lucario let out an Aura Sphere at the man. The man sent out a Beedrill,but it was too late. He was sent flying by the Aura Sphere.

    I stared in shock at my brother. He was so strong. "Some day you will become a Pokemon Trainer like me" he said. Then my memories started to fade.
    "Wake up" the Team Rocket member snapped at me

    I then heard a click from the Poke Ball,which meant I caught it,or lost it..........

    Pokemon:Caterpie
    Last edited by DarkShadowJake; 19th November 2010 at 07:55 PM. Reason: Added Title

  2. #2
    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Default Re: Pokemon Tales(CHAPTER 1 READY FOR GRADING)

    Alright so:
    Rank:Easiest
    Characters needed:3k-5k
    Actual Amount:5,160k
    Target Pokemon:Caterpie
    Feel free to grade
    Last edited by DarkShadowJake; 16th November 2010 at 06:34 PM. Reason: Got a cool counting system

  3. #3
    'Lax in lederhosen Elrond 2.0's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Bugged Up(READY FOR GRADING)

    Claiming.

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    CAPS KidBeano's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Bugged Up(READY FOR GRADING)

    I daresay Elrond's not Grading it, so expect one up either today or tomorrow.
    MORE CAPS

    ~The Artist Formerly Known As PichuBoy~

  5. #5
    CAPS KidBeano's Avatar
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    Default Re: All Bugged Up(READY FOR GRADING)

    And by today or tomorrow, I obviously meant 2 week's time :3

    PLOT:

    Boy gets Pokémon. Boy goes on journey. Boy tried to catch first Pokémon.

    For a story of this length, a plot like this is fine. It gets right to the point, and the reader can understand this is what's happening, and this is who it's happening to. Great.

    However, if you're going to start continuing to harder story levels, you'll need to stray away from this simple of a plot. If you're planning on having this main character continue on through a series of stories, then that should naturally come alone with the adventure, but as a system of stand-alone stories, being unique is key. Readers aren't going to be interested in something they know they're read before. Larry Cotter who attends Bogwarts with his friend Don Heasley doesn't sound very exciting, does it?

    There were also a couple of plot holes here and there, which you might want to catch in the future. Just small stuff that most people don't notice (but I'm paid to :3), like Charmander knowing Ember 5 seconds after being let out of its Pokéball, and Caterpie fleeing even though it was fainted.

    I really liked the flashback scene. It was a nice play with the structure, and it's not often it's attempted. Just try and and make sure you give some sort of way of identifying the flashback, so someone can look and say "Yes, this is it". Putting it in italics is a commonly used way of showing flashbacks. I'm also intrigued as to what happened to Nidorino, so I'm hoping this story arc continues.

    But, like I said, first stories always have tons of leeway, and it's perfect to get you off to a strong start in writing.

    INTRODUCTION:

    Immediately, you've introduced us to the settings. You've given us a bit of background straight away, by telling us who the story's about, and what their main goal is, although you could expand on that and give us much more. Where is the story set? Is it set in the small grass patches of Route 1, or in the vast expanse of Eterna Forest? Also, when is this happening? Granted, this probably isn't as important, as most readers would just assume present day, but a good story can be made a great story by having a unique-ness about its date. Pokémon set in the fifties would be quite nifty.

    Just to round it up, there are five key points to having a good introduction:

    Who
    What
    Where
    When
    Why

    Some people say 'How' is important to, but it sort of explains itself. (How is he going to be a trainer? By training Pokémon. Derp.)

    SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

    The basics were here. Full stops, commas, speech marks and the like were all used correctly and such. There are just some grammar rules that I can see aren't there, but I guess that's why I'm here to help you :)

    Quote Originally Posted by You
    "Alright Charmander let's train up"
    When addressing someone (or even something) directly by its name, you need to have commas surrounding it. Obviously, if it's at the end of a sentence, you don't need a comma after, and if it's at the beginning, you don't need one before, but in this case, you'd put:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    "Alright, Charmander, let's train up"
    And just putting examples of the before and after not being needed:

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    "Charmander, let's train up"
    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    "Let's train up, Charmander"
    ---

    Quote Originally Posted by You
    "Is that a pokemon I hear?" I said to myself. A Caterpie popped out of the bushes. "CHARMANDER" my Charmander screamed before letting out a burning Ember.
    When a new person starts talking, a new paragraph starts. If the same person is talking, you stay on the same paragraph.

    Quote Originally Posted by Me
    "Is that a pokemon I hear?" I said to myself. A Caterpie popped out of the bushes.

    "CHARMANDER" my Charmander screamed before letting out a burning Ember.
    ---

    Other than that, just small stuff needs to be tweaked a little, like spaces after commas and capitalising all Pokémon-related nouns. Mostly good here,

    LENGTH:

    You went over the 'maximum', so there definitely aren't any qualms here. Just remember, quality > quantity. A long story isn't necessarily good if the content's horrific. But, this had a nice balance of length and holding interest, so it's fine.

    DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

    I could see some dotted around here and there, so it's great that you're including it already. I definitely liked how you didn't just limit it to describing the Pokémon – you described their attacks too, which is always a plus. One small thing, try not to describe attacks with their name (e.g. Metal Claw as "a claw of metal" :3), and instead, try and really push the boundaries – if it sounds a little crazy, you can always tone it down. (e.g. Metal Claw as "a glistening steel claw bearing down on its foe".)

    There was also big thumbs up at the way you integrated the description into the sentences. It wasn't described as "Ash is wearing his pyjamas which are green and yellow. Ash is running to Professor Oak's.", but rather, the description flowed with the action: "Ash ran towards the Professor's lab, his green-and-yellow pyjamas flapping from the wind." Most people tend not to do this instinctively, so bonus points ^^

    Something to keep in mind for future stories is to not only describe sight. There's four other senses just begging to be explored (given, taste might not come into things a huge lot). What sound did the Metal Claw make as it struck Caterpie? I always imagined it being a sickening squelch, myself. What did Caterpie's string-shot feel like? I'd imagine it'd feel quite sticky.

    But yeah. No qualms here. A lot better than some attempts at description I've read.

    BATTLE:

    Your battle was quite short if you think about it, but that might just be a false frame of reference, because it was split up into two parts. Still, I'm not one to go all "BATTLEZ ARE MOST IMPORTANT", so it's fine.

    For the most part, you kept to the standard turn-based battle-style used in the games. It's quite common, and won't be held against you for the most part, but if you could drift from that, it'd also help in keeping the reader engaged in your story. All sorts of combinations are possible when the battle isn't limited to "You do this, I do that, you do this, I do that". Charmander could use the Smokescreen as a cover to hide in the bushes, before leaping out and hitting Caterpie from close-range. Caterpie could tie Charmander up with string, immobilising him, and getting a huge run-up for Tackle.

    You also kept the battle two-sided. Both Pokémon had the upper hand at some point, even though it might be tempting to have the protagonist's Pokémon dominate. Tension can really be built and milked through the battle, so try and keep it unpredictable - again, using zany combinations will help with this.

    OUTCOME:

    Nothing was glaringly letting you down on this. Everything seemed up to par with our Easiest story standards, so I have no problems saying Caterpie Captured! Have fun with your li'l bug, and I look forward to seeing more from you.
    MORE CAPS

    ~The Artist Formerly Known As PichuBoy~

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