Ace Trainerson and the War of this World
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    Ace Trainerson and the War of this World

    Hello everyone!

    This is a sattire-drama about the URPG, and the effects it has on us, both good and bad. There is a lot of humour, a lot of drama, a lot of parodying, so I hope you'll all tune in for the ride :D

    Prologue - The Power Plant

    Catherine Moonstone found her job boring.

    The twenty year old had been working at the Energy Containment Plant for two years, having started when she was eighteen to afford to go on her overseas expidtion, like her siblings had done before her. The only position they had was for a night guard, roaming the halls of the expansive complex, making sure nothing bad happened to the machines as they whirred and groaned, powering up the entire country.

    However, things did not go to plan for Catherine. While she was a skilled battler and had caught many thieves, this only secured that she kept her job when the economy took its toll and people had to be laid off. Her pay eventually dwindled, and Catherine was still another four paycheques away from affording her holiday. The only thing Catherine could do was just do her job to the best of her ability and hope that the eccentric man that operated the plant would give her a pay rise.

    But Catherine didn’t have high hopes as she started her 320th shift that year. She begun it as she always did: made herself a cup of coffee inside the closet that was the staffroom, ate her small dinner (it was sushi tonight) and then flicked through a magazine before she would force herself to do some work.

    “Another government sex scandal, what a surprise,” Catherine mumbled as she finished reading an article. “Those politicians act like their working in a brothel, it’s ridiculous!” But Catherine realised no one could hear her and stopped talking to herself, realising she was sounding a bit crazy.

    That’s when she heard the bang.

    The metallic clanging sound echoed down the hallway, making Catherine jump and yelp. She knocked her coffee cup onto the floor, where it shattered, causing the lukewarm liquid to spread across the tiles.

    “What the hell was that?” Catherine whispered to herself and reached into her pocket. She had to wear a bullet proof vest over a black wetsuit-looking thing, and it was rather uncomfortable and made it difficult to get anything out of. After half a minute of struggling, Catherine finally pulled a PokeBall out and activated it. There was a bright flash as white energy came out, forming into the shape of a Luxray. The black and blue electric tiger smiled at his trainer, and Catherine scratched his rugged black head.

    “I think a noise out in the hall Sparky, so I think we should go and take a look!” Catherine explained, and the Luxray nodded and ran out of the door, his long, star-pointed tail swinging as he moved. Catherine quickly grabbed her taser from the kitchen bench and followed after.

    The hallways were very quiet, and Catherine and Sparky’s footsteps sounded like thunder as they ran down the tiled floors. Catherine looked out of the windows, a giant block of cement blocking out all views. This concrete structure housed all of the turbines, keeping them protected from all the N.O.O.O.B.S that had threatened to destroy the entire plant. Catherine was hoping it wasn’t one of them causing the disturbance, as they were always a pain to deal with.

    “Lux Raaay Luxray!” Sparky hissed nearby, and Catherine realised he must have found the disturbance. The lights in the hallways were always turned down low, so Catherine struggled to see, but Luxray had excellent eyes and had sensed what the disturbance was.

    “Can you light things up please?” Catherine asked, getting down to her Pokemon’s level. Sparky nodded and began to glow yellow as if charging up for a Thunder. The area around them was cast into a yellow glow, and Catherine was surprised to see that a lot of rubbish was scattered everywhere. A metal rubbish bin lay nearby, obviously the source of the loud clanging.

    “There must be some sort of intruder….” Catherine whispered, and Sparky nodded in agreement. They moved slowly forwards, avoiding the rubbish as not to make a noise. But as they moved, Sparky pointed over at a large pile of the rubbish. Unlike the other pieces of discarded plastic and paper, these pieces were all a bright pink that shone in the dim light. Catherine thought it was strange, but found it even more so when she noticed some of the pieces were still turning pink, and tiny little hands were grabbing them.

    “Sparky, these must be Burmy trying to get their Trash Cloaks!” Catherine gasped. The piles of pink rubbish squealed, almost in agreement. “Blast them with a Thunderbolt quickly!”

    “LUX!” Sparky boomed, and a powerful bolt of electricity was fired from his body, blasting the pink pile apart. Four little grey figures emerged, both of them smoking slightly and squealing. The four landed on the rubbish with loud crunches, and their tiny little bodies tried to grab more rubbish. Catherine raised an eyebrow, as these the figures that looked like black blu-tack made into shapes danced around frantically, and Sparky sniggered.

    “Swagger them,” Catherine ordered next, and she reached into her pocket for four PokeBalls. Sparky opened his mouth wide: four wispy clouds came out, and they snaked their way towards the Burmy and wrapped around each of them. The Burmy kept running around, but now they had gone cross-eyed and seemed to have a peach coating over their bodies. The Burmy group ran around some more, before they ran straight towards each other, unaware what was about to happen.

    “BUR!” Two of them cried

    “MEE!” The other two shouted, and then they had a head-on collision. Catherine and Sparky both burst out laughing as the knocked-out Burmy lay there, their eyes rolling around like a car wheels. Catherine extracted four PokeBalls and dropped them on the Pokemon. A few moments later there were four Burmy inside, successfully caught. Catherine would release them the next morning, as she did with all stray Pokemon that entered the plant: it didn’t happen very often, but whenever it did, Catherine had to file a report and see how they got inside the apparently secure building. Somehow, Burmy and Caterpies were a threat to national security.

    “I wonder how these two got in, I was sure they had boarded up all of the loose cracks around the place,” Catherine said, but Sparky just shrugged, and Catherine could only do the same. She put the several PokeBalls away and turned to head back to the staffroom.

    “Ray Lux Lux!” Sparky whispered dramatically and suddenly moved the other way. Catherine watched him head down the hallway and chased after, wondering what had attracted his attention.

    “Sparky, wait up!” Catherine shouted as her footsteps echoed dramatically. She could see Sparky up ahead, standing in a wide doorway and cast in blue light. “There you are, why did you run off?” Catherine asked and came to a stop, breathing heavily. She noticed the blue light was coming out of the room they standing in front of, and slowly Catherine turned around, wondering where they had arrived.

    Computers. Everywhere Catherine looked she could see computers inside this room. Some were standard size, some were about twice her height, while others fell inbetween. These computers were in two rows, forming a corridor in between them. At the opposite end of the room stood the largest of them all: the computer was the entire length and width of the room, and it was the one producing all of the light. The blue light reminded Catherine of the time she had went to the beach, the colour almost identical to that of the ocean. It was sweet and enchanting, and Catherine wouldn’t have really cared about it due to the millions of computers in the plant, but then she noticed something else.

    A man was standing in front of the biggest computer.

    The man was tall, at least six foot, but it wasn’t just his height that made him seem empowering: the way he was standing with his back to Catherine, his entire body in shadow, sent a shiver down her spine. The man was well poised, hands behind his back, his head entirely focused on the computer. Catherine slowly unhitched her taser, keeping her eyes firmly on the man.

    “Turn around!” She yelled and raised the taser to full height. However, the man didn’t move, he simply made a smirking noise. Catherine took a step forwards, fully entering the room, and Sparky followed behind, baring his teeth and growling.

    “I am a security guard, and I demand you turn around!” Catherine shouted, her finger on the trigger. The man laughed this time, a cold, painful laugh.

    “I shall do no such thing, Madam Moonstone, I am in the middle of something,” He hissed, his voice as cold and sharp as a knife, and Catherine actually felt a pain in her stomach as he spoke.
    “How do you know who I am, and how did you get in?” She asked. “Did you let those Burmy in?”

    “I may have let some Burmy in, I wouldn’t really care if I did,” The man replied, still staring directly at the computer. Catherine had had enough of this, and she was ready to pull the trigger, firing the electricity into the man. Sparky was ready to pounce on him. But as Catherine took another step forwards, her right foot collided with something. She and Sparky looked down in surprised: a cracked brown rock was on the floor, sitting there as if it was not out of place in this completely opposite world.

    “You have five seconds to leave, or things won’t end well for you,” The man boomed in his chilling tones. Catherine looked at Sparky, and the Gleam Eye Pokemon shook his head, staring back with a growl at the rock.

    “We aren’t moving!” Catherine announced, and she once again raised the taser up. The man shrugged, and Catherine couldn’t help but wonder what he was going to do.

    “Uproar.” The man hissed, and Catherine looked at Sparky, confused: there weren’t any Pokemon around except for her Luxray. She was finally about to pull the trigger when the rock glowed. Catherine had only a second to step backwards before the rock started screaming. Catherine and Sparky were flung backwards by an invisible forcefield, landing painfully on the tiled floor. A horrific screeching noise filled the air, and Catherine had to cover her ears to try and stop the painful noise. It sounded like a million tortured humans were screaming inside her ears, clawing at her body, inside and out.

    Catherine felt physically sick as she heard the horrible noise, and she tried to stand up, desperate to leave the area. But than every single computer around her exploded: Catherine screamed and dived back down as white hot glass and sparks shot across the room, computer components raining down on her from all sides.

    “LUUUUX!” Sparky yelled, managing to withstand the noise, and he ran forwards towards the rock, opening his mouth wide to initiate a Crunch. The man laughed again, his frosty sneer clearly heard over the horrible screaming.

    “Sucker Punch,” He whispered. The rock stopped screaming, but the torturous sounds echoed inside the room, and Catherine began whimpering, a horrible feeling inside her entire body.

    “RAAAY!” Sparky cried, getting close enough to bite now. The rock briefly flashed black, and suddenly a jet black fist shot out of the crack. Sparky was hit in the jaw, and he was blasted backwards with a moan, and Catherine screamed and moved out of the way to avoid being squashed.

    “Are you alright?” Catherine asked, holding Sparky. But her Luxray didn’t respond, and just lay there, eyes rolled back into his head. Catherine had begun crying now, frightened to her very core by what was happening. She reached into her suit to try and get his PokeBall out, but Catherine froze suddenly: her body was glowing pink, and she and Sparky were rising into the air.

    “Wh-wh-why are you doing this? LET ME DOWN!” Catherine screamed, fighting against her telekinetic restraints. But the man didn’t say a word, but he simply jerked his head, nodding to the computer. The rock glowed a bright pink, and suddenly pieces of the computer screen glass rose into the air, like a magician lifting up knives. Catherine could see her face reflected in them, and she suddenly realised what was about to happen.

    “NO, YOU CAN’T DO THIS, STOOOOP!” She wailed, but it was no use, and all she could do was wrap her hands around Sparky, whispering her final words to her oldest friend. With the sounds of the horrendous Uproar still echoing, and the computer remains smoking and burning, the strange rock raised the glass up to the perfect height. Yet the man still did not turn around: he did not answer Catherine’s pleas, he didn’t look to see what the rock was doing, he simply stared at the computer, waiting for his work to be done.

    The computer stopped glowing as brightly as Catherine screamed her loudest of all and the glass cut through the air, making the man smile. She would be only the first victim of thousands to feel his wrath, as he was planning something huge, something horrible, something pure evil.

    And soon the world would be his.

    Pokemon Attempted for:
    4 Burmy!!! :D
    Characters: 12,701 including spaces
    Last edited by AceTrainer14; 18th December 2010 at 03:55 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Ace Trainerson and the War of this World

    I'm so slow.

    Introduction/Plot (because this is basically an introduction): Very nice. You start simply, and proceed into awesomeness, but without throwing off the tone of the story, or contradicting the introduction’s promises. We see Catherine, we see her job, we get hints at why Catherine is relevant, and why this guy might be here… Nothing complete, nothing thorough, but just enough to get a sense that this is going somewhere, and that that somewhere is interesting and quirky and makes just enough sense to be coherent but not too much sense that it is tedious. There are little tweaks of lulz in the details and the observations, but it’s not too heavy. All in all, nicely balanced, nicely written. Gotta say, for a prologue, this hit the spot.

    There’s not much to talk about in this section, because it seems like you’ve already started working on answering the reader’s questions. Make sure that you hit the who is this man, why did he kill Catherine, what was he doing, what does this all have to do with the story? basics pretty soon within the upcoming chapters, or readers might lose faith in your ability to plot and time things.

    On a side note, you did a good job of not having the prologue be partially irrelevant to the rest of the plot. A lot of people do this whole, OKAY BLAH BLAH BLAH PLOT thing, whereas this scene was, in its entirety, a launching point. GOOD JOB.

    Grammar: *twitch* *twitch* *cringe* COMMA SPLICES IN YOUR DIALOGUE AGH. AGGGH. *ahem* I have a problem with comma splices. Especially in dialogue. So, basically, your grammar was okay, but angered me deeply anyways. You made some simple typos—remember that their is possessive and they’re is a contraction, and keep it in mind while editing. The main thing I’m concerned about is your sentence structure and your comma splicing.

    You don’t write run-on sentences, per se. But you definitely have some sentences that shouldn’t be as long as they are. It’s not so much a matter of “long sentences are hard to read” as “all sentence types should have a purpose, and your long sentences don’t always.” Whenever you find yourself writing a loose sentence (a sentence that could be ended in multiple places and still be grammatically correct… the straggling clauses don’t have to be, though), think about whether or not it’s necessary. Generally, you want long sentences for things that don’t matter, medium sentences for the things that matter, but only a little bit, and short sentences for really big ideas. I’d say that medium sentences suit your writing style better than long sentences—your long sentences don’t stick together well, and don’t always have compatible concepts in the individual clauses. Especially look at your compound sentences (two stand-alone clauses connected by an and—I don’t know how well you know grammar terms, so I’m just going to define them. DON’T BE OFFENDED IF YOU DO KNOW THEM. I’M JUST MAKING SURE.) Most of them would work better as two separate sentences. That’d also leave room for more elaboration on similar ideas.

    SO BE CAREFUL, THERE. It’s not wrong, but at higher levels of capture, I’m going to grill you for tighter prose.

    Also. Almost every single bit of dialogue had a comma splice in it. o_o

    “Those politicians act like their working in a brothel, it’s ridiculous!”
    “I wonder how these two got in, I was sure they had boarded up all of the loose cracks around the place,”
    Both of these, and many others, contained two independent clauses that were connected by a comma. Don’t do that. IT’S BAD. You need a period after brothel in the first one, and a period after in in the second. Alternately, a semi-colon. You could also use an em-dash (—) to show a more cause-effect relationship in either (although it’d work best with the first). Just… no comma. NO COMMA.

    Uhhh, random other note: you have some commas missing in direct addresses and interjections.

    “I think a noise out in the hall Sparky, so I think we should go and take a look!”
    “Can you light things up please?”
    Sparky is a direct address—there should be a comma before and after it.

    “You, Sparky.”
    “You, Sparky, are dead meat.”
    “Sparky, you are dead meat.”

    Direct address rules. They’re always bracketed by punctuation on both sides. Same goes for words like please, thank you, and other things that you tack on at the middle, end, or beginning of a sentence.

    Details: You have the basics of description down, but you haven’t really gotten into the nitty-gritty areas where perfection is knowing just how to describe to paint a good picture. I’mma help you thing about that.

    “I think a noise out in the hall Sparky, so I think we should go and take a look!” Catherine explained, and the Luxray nodded and ran out of the door, his long, star-pointed tail swinging as he moved. Catherine quickly grabbed her taser from the kitchen bench and followed after.
    So, here. From this quote, I can see that you have a good idea of what’s… gravitating—what makes a good picture. That’d be from your mention of the star-pointed tail. It sums up a large part of the Luxray, but is also not something that people really think about on a Luxray, so it draws attention. However, you’re lacking the element that takes writers a step up. That element’s different for everyone. I think you could go about finding it by refining your diction. Word strength:

    Verb → Noun → Adjective → Adverb

    Don’t ever waste a verb. Verbs are the single most effective tool to create connotation and subtly rev up mood. Nouns come next. Adjectives can add to atmosphere, but should be used pretty sparingly. Adverbs… don’t use them unless you have to. They tend to weaken writing. Look at your verbs in the paragraph above. Explained, nodded, ran, swinging, grabbed, followed. Pretty bland, honestly. They get the job done, but there’s not a flare to them—not a real feel of image behind them. If you’re going to use words, use good words. Explaining works; as does nod. They’re things that you do, plain and simple. Don’t need much color, don’t have a lot of synonyms. Run, though—this is a tiger-like beast. Maybe it lopes, maybe it slinks, maybe it scurries… Run is boring. Run is simple. Run doesn’t help me build a picture in my mind, ‘cause it’s something I have to think about every day. Swinging—well, maybe swoosh, maybe swish, maybe lash. Not as many choices there, but swinging sounds very neutral. Make him aggressive; make him meek. Make him anything besides neutral, unless you’re going to make him really really on purpose neutral. Grabbed—I like that. Snatch, scrabble, retrieved could add different tones, if you want, but I think grabbed works. Think about your words a bit more, and run it through these processes. Think of what words mean what things to you, and figure out what you want the characters to mean to the readers. Even though these are characters that don’t seem overtly relevant to the plot (‘cause, y’know, they’re dead now), it’s good to raise sympathy, or some level of “wow, these are competent people, THIS GUY MUST BE NUTS” in the readers’ subconscience with your word choice.

    Okay, so, rundown… You have a handle on what to describe. Now, start working on how to refine it. You have a pretty good start on atmosphere, and don’t overload or underprovide people with details. Now, you should just start thinking about stronger details. Think about what you want the piece to say, and alter your words and phrases accordingly.

    Battle: Well-done, well-done. Nice balance of description and action, nice balance of moves, blah blah blah. The progression from battle to murder was very well done—although you might perhaps have made her death a bit more explicit. That isn’t to say that you should have gone, AND THEN SHE BLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR so much as clarified your euphemisms to confirm death. …Unless you’re planning some ridiculous resurrection scheme, in which case, nevermind me. And all that said, I loved the vagueness. It was just slightly jolting within the prose itself to have the prose of the death focused on the man’s reaction and neglect to address the actual death—because it is, after all, a death. You could use details within that to enunciate his cruelty further. On the flip side, the emphasis on his callous interactions with her, as opposed to her reactions to those actions, offered a fantastic sort of contrast without being too overt. So if you do alter the death moment, walk the line carefully.

    And I didn’t talk about the battle at all. …YEAH, COOL, HIS FLASHING ROCK USED STRATEGY G’JOB.

    Length: Barely over. Also, thank you for writing enough to push the post number up from two to three.

    Verdict: I was pleased by this. I didn’t laugh until my spine cracked, or shrink away in horror, which is what I tend to like. The fact that I liked this says quite a bit for you, because you did something that I’m not personally inclined towards—and I actually enjoyed it. Feel proud. Grammar issues made me go, “Hmmm” a bit, but they weren’t bad enough to exclude you from a Medium capture, much less a multi-easy. I liked this, it was well done within its own medium, and it made a perfect introduction to a humorous, but slightly dark and melodramatic piece. SO ALL BURMY CAPTURED.
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign


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