_ _ _

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: _ _ _

  1. #1
    Registered User Elamite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    1,067
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default _ _ _

    uh just ignore the title xP

    Pokemon: Ekans
    Characters needed: 5000
    Characters have'd: 10573


    Wooden chair supporting my weight, blue pen quickly flying between my fingers, eyes staring down the clock, I waited impatiently for school to end. The digital clock had no immediately apparent way of conveying seconds; however I had learned through vigorous study that every blink of that fluorescent red colon was the equivalent of two seconds. As I counted the colons all the way to thirty, daydreams of relaxing floated into my head. Lying in my hammock, carefree, watching the clouds idle across the sky. I wouldn't have to worry about school work or getting a job, just occasionally identifying that cloud as a rabbit, or maybe that one as a face. The rope was never too itchy and my pillow wouldn't need fluffing. I could just simply enjoy the nothingness. When finally the number in my head reached thirty, I watched happily as the three numbers shifted themselves into a four and pair of zeros. The bell rang a split second later, signifying that all the prisoners could now bolt for freedom. And bolt we did. Every single pair of sneakers, white, black, red, polka dot, instantly pushed off the tile flooring and scurried towards the door. The important was scooped and shoved into backpacks, things like books, binder, secret love notes, while others, like pencils, pens, and the occasional hair tie, were left to gather dust. I remember not noticing until after I was already half way down the hallway that I had left an entire package of brand new pens on my desk chair, but even that wasn't enough to make me turn back. We bulls raced our ways through the streets, the teachers running as fast as they could to avoid our rampage. It wasn't until those heavy metal doors with small rectangular windows burst open that the straight shot of students dispersed into a wave of brightly colored t-shirts and tussled hair. I found myself somewhere in the middle of the crowd, not the fastest who had mastered the art of shoving their tiny bodies through the crowd, nor the troublemakers, post lecture, unhappily trying to get a peek to the front of the line. I was really just another number, someone who didn't stand out in class for his academics, but never needed extra help.

    As I turned onto my street, skillfully dodging the cracks in the sidewalk, I found myself alone. Most of the other kids on my street had gone through twelve years of public education already and were now on their own exploring the college world, or in some cases the business world. My black sneakers were torn and the laces shredded. I had been offered a new pair several times, but it was too much trouble to wear in a whole new pair, so I stuck with what I had. My shorts, hand-me-downs from those previously mentioned neighbors, were a little big, but I hoped I'd grow into them. My shirt was a normal one, a darkish-blue tee with a few barely visible stains.

    I walked up my white stained wooden stairs, the deck was chipping a little, but it still looked good from the street. I pressed down on the metal button of my gate, and swung it open. I stepped inside, the front door had been left open to let the outside air float inside. I dropped my backpack right next to the door, the wooden floor creaking as I stepped across, otherwise silently. My shoes were left behind a few steps farther, toppled on top of one another, their worn laces in a wrestling match. My socks were sticky from sweat, but I still slid on the wooden planks. I reached my kitchen, the raised white tile looked much cleaner than the rest of the house. The island counter had an unidentifiable residue from something red, but you could only see it if you squinted your eyes really tight. I reached into the cupboard and grabbed a glass. I turned the steeling silver faucet clockwise as the cold water trickled into my cup. As I sipped the water I was careful not to sip from the side that had been shredded. I let out a sigh as I downed my water and placed the cup inside the dishwasher, which was just below its max capacity. I looked out the glass sliding door opposite my entrance and smiled as my eyes settled on my favorite hammock. The trees were standing overhead, acting coolly like the hammock's weight didn't even budge them. There was a branch perfectly aligned with the sun so the entire scene was cast in a shade. A few leaves had collected in my rest area, but their bright green color, only enhanced the scene. Growing grass under my hammock had been attempted several times, but the familiar patch of dirt always came out victorious. It seemed to fit thought, the surrounding grass growing a little taller to cover up its neighbor.

    I grasped the gold painted handle and pulled my door over. That was when I noticed the commotion going on right under the backyard deck. My mother was sitting there, hunched over, her brown hair frazzled from the beating sun and while I couldn't see it I knew her brow was covered in sweat. Unfortunately, besides those two cool trees and patches of grass, very little other vegetation populated my resting area. But there sitting in the hot grass was my mom leaning over my best friend. I loved burying my face in his gray fur. He was the only one ever allowed on my hammock. He'd curl up in a ball on my stomach and we'd look up and stare at the clouds. He was good at cloud watching, maybe even better than me. But here he was, lying on his side panting loudly. I leaned over the edge of my deck to get a better view, the white wood plunging into my chest. I could see his eyes were dulled and seemed out of focus. He couldn't watch the clouds like that. I felt a wave of panic as I saw my mom looking all over his tiny body. I rushed down the steps and ran to my mother's side. She explained that she was doing work when she looked out the window and found him like this. Her hypothesis was that he'd been bitten. But she couldn't think of what had caused the wound. She hadn't seen anything else in the yard, not that any creature would have an easy time getting through the fence that enclosed our yard.

    My mother's fingers stopped their scavenging and rested on two lumps on my Poochyena's neck, just below where the dark blackish fur lightened to the fluffy gray fur that had almost a shade of purple. I rubbed my fingers over the two lumps. My whole body shook. I looked around for any clues of the attacker when my eyes rested on the darkness underneath the deck that continued under my house. I swallowed hard. I looked over to my mother but she had already followed my gaze and was staring at the darkness too. She didn't wear worry well, the wrinkles in her face deepened and the tanned color became much paler. I looked back down at my companion. His breathing was getting more raspy, and the yellow in his eyes was starting to match the color of his fur coat. However I could see the two pupils looking up at the sky. I followed them up and saw a big fluffy cloud floating overhead. I smiled at my poisoned pooch as the cloud passed over the sun, painting a thin layer of black over my entire house. I stood from my knees and walked to the tool shed backed up against the blue wooden wall. I reached inside and grasped my hands on a shovel. The tip was covered in dried dirt and the handle's grip had been smoothed. I grabbed it by the wood connecting the handle and the tip and walked into the abyss.

    I could just barely make out the shape of something slithering in the darkness under my house. My head was bent forward, the shovel's metal tip was floating just above the dirt and weeds that resided alongside my enemy. I heard a hiss and my head drew back into my neck as I felt the wrath building inside of my chest. My enemy slithered in the shadows, rustling leaves and shooting dust into the air. I squinted my eyes. At the next shadow I spotted I slammed the shovel down. I hit the dirt with a thud, dust forming a cloud around me. I suddenly felt a pain in the back of my leg. I froze up. My head slowly turned around to reveal the blood dripping from my leg. A little farther behind was my nemesis. The purple snake spat its tongue out whipping the air. My previous rage doubled as I left my entire body being consumed. I ran towards the creature and slammed the broad side of my shovel to the ground as fast as I could. The reptile was too quick though. I only just nicked the golden rattle at the end of its tail, the remains of which were squashed into the ground. I felt my head starting to spin as whatever the creature had infected my friend with began to seep into my own blood stream. I violently shook my head and the anger came rushing back. I looked through the shadows trying to spot my enemy when I spotted the reflection of two black beads. My head began to spin again as I felt my body go numb. I fell to my knees. The shovel thudding onto the ground. The enemy slithered out closer to me. It's tongue was tasting the air, leading its whole body towards my eyes. I struggled to move, but nothing was responding. My eyes were glued to those two beads. The creature's hiss made the numbness grow as I felt myself slam onto the ground. The only thing I had to strength to hold up was my head, my eyes still caught in the glare. Just when the creature was right on top of me, ready to make the last sting, its eyes still hypnotizing me, a grey blur came jumping through the air, tackling the snake. I quickly regained my senses and dove for the shovel. My leg was still oozing with pain, but I fought to stand up. I ran over to the Ekans, held down by my trusted companion. I rose the shovel over my head, when I noticed Poochyena fall over onto his side, knocked out. My heart dropped into my stomach. The resulting chemical reaction was an ultimate rage that swung all of my weight on the purple reptiles head. The resulting crunch was not pretty. I dropped the shovel and collapsed. My leg pulsating with poison.

    I'll have to tell you the next part as I've heard it from others. The men came running in, tranquilizers at hand. Their flashlights revealed the scene: loose dirt covering the floor like snow, cobwebs ripped and hanging from the wooden frame of the house, a Poochyena, unconscious breaths few and far in between, nearby a child lying face down in the earth, his clothing town, a large black swelling on the back of his left leg, a shovel lay nearby, blood hardened into the metal. Several paces over there was a patch of dark red blood in the dirt, an empty indentation of a snake pressed into the dirt. The men searched for the culprit, but could they find it?

    Uh so basically if they found the Ekans its a capture and if not its not a capture xP

    URPG

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: _ _ _

    O hai, Easter. I be claiming this.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: _ _ _

    Intro/Plot/Characters: You start out pretty simply, with the main character waiting to get out of school. At first glance, this doesn't seem very impressive, but you continue to describe the children's urge to get out in such a way that it builds up suspense; the reader is waiting for the kids to get home too. Almost everyone is familiar with the desire to go home and relax. By introducing your character this way, you make him relatable, which is the first step towards getting the reader to care about your character. In this opening paragraph, it is also established that the character thinks of himself as being just another person in the crowd. However, he also seems to be a loner and in addition to that, he seems to be conscious of how the other kids interact, which makes him different (despite his beliefs). This is some pretty high level stuff. ;D

    Anyways, while the plot is fairly simple, it allows for a fair bit of exploration of the characters' personalities. On the surface, the story is about a kid who gets out of school, goes back to his house to relax after a long day at school, finds his Pokemon half dead, and goes after the Pokemon responsible, only to be attacked himself. It's not a fantastic plot, but the way you present it makes it well done for a Simple Tier Pokemon. While reading, I noticed how you went into lots of detail about how there were just little things wrong with the house; the dishwasher was full, there were stains on the counter, the paint was wearing off the deck. There's no signs of a father or sibling and it is explicitly said that the Poochyena is the main character's best friend. Also, he walks home alone. It seems to me like there's something more going on here, and the character's loneliness makes the Poochyena's critical injury more of a blow. It's like, damn, this kid has nothing but his dog, and the dog just got bit by a snake. The whole set up of the story made events more emotional, which is pretty talented. ^^

    In the end, we're left with a little bit of a cliff hanger; where did the Ekans go? This lets the story linger in the reader's mind, making it even BETTER. I've found that how long a story sticks with you is usually a good gauge of how awesome it is. Keep that in mind. ;D

    Details: You had VERY strong details. As I mentioned above, you really went in depth on all the little flaws in the character's life; the left behind pack of pens, the dirty dishes, the patches of dirt on the lawn. I can't really explain it, but somehow this all felt important. Not just random, throwaway details, but description meant to give us an image of the character's life. I have no idea what your prior writing experience is, but you seem to know how to do some advanced shit.

    The only thing I can think to tell you is, don't rely entirely on your sense of sight. Maybe the house smelled like rotting garbage because no one took the garbage out. Maybe the pipes are messed up and the character hears them creaking all the time. You can add more senses to make everything come together even better, but as is, you're looking pretty good as far as details go.

    Grammar: First thing I noticed before even reading was that you have huge 'block o' text' paragraphs. Try breaking up your paragraphs whenever something new starts happening.

    Lying in my hammock, carefree, watching the clouds idle across the sky. I wouldn't have to worry about school work or getting a job, just occasionally identifying that cloud as a rabbit, or maybe that one as a face.
    You should combine these two sentences, as the first one isn't a complete sentence.

    I walked up my white stained wooden stairs, the deck was chipping a little
    Make that comma a semicolon.

    that had almost a shade of purple.
    'Had' should be 'was'.

    You had a few different places where you made dependent clauses their own sentence, so I'll use this space to give you a mini grammar lesson.
    Basically, there are dependent clauses, and independent clauses. An independent clause has a subject and an action. A dependent clause has one but not both.

    EX. 'The dog ran home.'

    That's an independent clause. 'The dog' is the subject and 'ran' is the action.

    Ex. 'When I was young,'

    This is a dependent clause. 'I' is the subject, but there's no action. Therefore, this isn't a sentence, and must be combined with another clause.

    Other than that though, your grammar was very good, and the story wasn't hard to read at all (which is a problem a lot of URPG stories have, cause the prose is all weird and stuff). So good job!

    Length: You have more than twice the required length, so you're good.

    Other: Not much to say here. That'll do, Easter. That'll do.

    Outcome: Ekans.... captured.

    You'd better write more, mmkay? :>

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •