_|-Experiment: Part One - The Discovery-|_
Experiment: Part One - The Discovery
Note to Reader: I want to make a small series out of this. I already have some ideas in mind and I'll start on the next part already. It may not be great, but I love and enjoyed writing it ;]. PM me any questions or suggestions because I don't want any posts here other than the grade. Also, there isn't a battle for Solosis because I didn't want to have a battle for him and definitely not much of a battle for Scraggy because I thought it would flow better with a small battle and I won't change that.
08:50
“The choice is yours to make.” A plump man in a cheap blue suit said. His voice made what he said sound more like an order, but this probably was the only chance I had to make a big story. He picked up the file from his desk and put on a small black monocle. “You’re the best suited given the Pokémon you have and your background.”
“Well, what is it exactly?” I asked. The Pokémon I had consisted of three Zoroark, Porygon-Z, and Hypno. I was a reporter, so having a Porygon-Z was really important for me. Whenever I forgot my memory card, or the one I had was full, I could store the information in him until I got back to my laptop. He also served as a recorder and a camera/video camera for when I forgot mine, which thankfully didn’t happen often. Of course Cybershock, the name I had given my Porygon-Z many years ago, was more than just something to make my job easier, he was my best friend. People say Pokémon like Porygon and their evolutionary forms don’t have feelings since they were computers, but they were so wrong. I knew he could feel like we did, those who said otherwise obviously never spent time with one.
My team of Zoroark, Mirage, Nightbeat, and Prowl were also great to have for my job. They could easily create illusions that would make my shots a whole lot better. Yeah, that meant I was twisting the story a little, but they looked a whole lot better. Many people didn’t know this, but Zorua and Zoroark’s illusions could even fool a camera. This, however, was not the reason I had my three Zoroark. I had found them as eggs while I was doing a story on the three legendary birds near Mt. Spinechill. They were nearly frozen to death. Had I not been there, they wouldn’t be here today. I carefully placed them into my backpack. One the way back down, I spotted what I believed to be their mother, but she was killed. It wasn’t until a year later when Mirage was playing a trick on me while I was getting some shots that I figured out their illusions could be caught on camera.
Mindwipe, my Hypno didn’t really have anything to do with my job, at least not my job as a reporter. I found Hypno a few months after I found Zoroark. Or rather he found me. I was at Makeshift Forest on a lead when Hypno ran into me. He was being chased by some people. I knew he didn’t want to go with them, so I fended them off. I never caught why they were after him, but since then he’s been with me. I couldn’t really figure out what these five Pokémon had to do with this job.
“You know we can’t discuss that with you until you agree to take the job.” He grumbled. “So do you want it?” I thought about it for a few minutes. I wasn’t really sure what my Pokémon and I could do on this ‘story’ that others couldn’t.
“I can’t.” I finally said as I got up to leave. “I don’t like signing up for things that I don’t know anything about.”
“You have to; there isn’t really a choice here.” He said. I had a feeling that’s how he meant it to sound earlier.
“Sir… Mr. Prescott,” I read off the name plate because I had forgotten his name. “I don’t work for you.” I quickly said. I didn’t know who he thought he was ordering me around like that. “You called me in here and asked me to take a job. The pay is good, but I don’t do this for money, otherwise I would have blindly taken this job and others that paid much better.” Before I could leave, the door swung open.
“Is he in?” Another large man asked as he walked into to the office as if he owned it. He was just slightly smaller in size than the one behind the desk. He must have been important to just barge in here like that. He was also in a suit, but his blue suit looked really expensive.
“No, I’m afraid not.” Jeff Prescott said in a disappointing voice. “He wants to know the specifics on this case and we can’t discuss that until he’s been sworn in.”
“Come with me son.” He said.
“I’m sorry, you are?” I asked, waiting for him to introduce himself.
“I’m Chief of Police Randy Trexton.” He said as he walked out of the room.
“Hmm, chief of police huh, interesting.” I said to myself. “This must be interesting for him to come and talk to me.”
“We don’t usually do this, but I’ll tell you about this.” He began. “This big corporation called Doublestrand owns many clinical study places where they tests drugs on people and Pokémon.” I nodded, it didn’t sound like anything incriminating, there were many facilities that did that.
“They have been in business for about five years now, but two years ago, it was noticed that people have gone missing. At first it was just ten or so people, but now it’s well over one hundred.” He made it sound like he didn’t care about those first ten. I didn’t say anything yet, I just continued to listen. “So far, I’ve managed to keep it under wraps so the company won’t be spooked and get rid of all their data. If they found out they were under investigation, they would delete everything to get out of all legal problems.” I knew that was a lie, companies like that never got rid of all their data. “We need you to go in and get as much information as you can. Any questions?” I nodded. Oh boy did I have a bunch of questions.
“Doublestrand is in Celadon city, so why isn’t C.P.D. taking care of this? Why is the Saffron Police Department investigating this?” I asked.
“Simple, Doublestrand is a huge company; they have eyes all over the place.” He said.
“You think they have informants there?” I asked.
“We are more than certain they do.” He replied.
“If so many people have gone missing and are somehow connected to this place, why haven’t you shut them down for investigations? I’m sure if you barged in there unannounced they wouldn’t have enough time to delete anything.” I waited for him to answer, but he seemed to hesitate as if he were hiding something.
“We can’t take that risk.” He said.
“Okay, so why me?” I asked. “Surely there are others you would have chosen besides me.”
“Because you are good at what you do, you served the International Police as a detective and the Johto National Guard and you’re under thirty-five years of age, which is pretty impressive. I’m surprised you don’t work for any big company or facility. You aren’t from here so they won’t know you.”
“So you’re going to trust someone you barely know with this?” I asked curiously.
“Oh, we know you pretty well Rex Alexander Riker.” He quickly said, “We’ve been watching you for some time now.”
“Have you,” I said, sounding surprised. I didn’t mean to sound that surprised. “Well then, how exactly am I going to infiltrate this?” I knew of only two effective ways to do it, either as a worker there, or a patient. I was hoping he didn’t say patient, but I just felt that he was going to.
“We’ve set up a new identity for you.” He said, “While in their facility, you’ll be known as Clyde Riker. You’ll use your real age, twenty seven. You’ll need this identification card to get in. They will do a background check on you. As of now, you are a recovering drug addict and you dropped out of school at age sixteen. You have to immediate family, they are all deceased. You’ve been arrested three times for possession of narcotics. You just recently lost your house and now you’re living on the streets. It’s a pretty basic background.”
“Yeah, no kidding.” I said. “When are they taking people?”
“They’ve already started, tomorrow is the last day.” He said, “You’re already ready to go. You just need to show up so they can check you. They are testing Admiritan, don’t take any. They say it’s supposed to clear the body from certain drugs, which is why they were so quick to take you in. Not many people will want to go through with this from fear of being arrested. Bring back at least five different samples. We also want you to document everything and take whatever information you can. Bring back a sample if you can, we need to know exactly what they’re testing. Whatever they’re testing has to be related to the disappearances, so we need to know what that is. You will be in there for three days, if they like you, meaning your vitals and the way your body functions, then you’ll be sent to their lower level facility. Once you’re there I’m sure you’ll be out by the next morning.”
“What do you think guys?” I asked as five Pokémon appeared by my side. I turned towards the three black bipedal fox-like Pokémon with a large black manes as they looked at each. They were communicating with their red eyes. They finally moved their heads up and down, letting me know what they thought of the plan. It was just a simple nod, but I got so much more from that. From their nod, I knew they thought this plan would work. Then I looked over to Mindwipe, who nodded his big yellow head, his pendulum swaying from side to side as he did. I looked over to Cybershock who didn’t give an answer. He had recorded everything that was said and was now downloading everything, computing the probability of this working. His red and blue body flashed several times, signaling to me that he agreed with the plan.
“Okay then, looks like we’re going in tomorrow.” I said. “We’ll go over the game plan tonight.”
“Be there at o’ seven hundred and look like the guy on the card.” He said, as I got up to leave.
16:28
“Okay guys, here’s what we’re going to do.” I began, “Mirage, you will be shadowing me and Cybershock for a half of the day. Prowl, you will take the next half, and Nightbeat, you will hold all the food, batteries, tapes, and recorder. You will also be filming when I give you the signal, which is just me cleaning my glasses. Cybershock, you will store all the data and upload all video feed every night. Mindwipe, you will stay hidden in your Pokéball until I need you, which will be at the very end. We will be there for five days. The first three days we’ll be on their main level, and then two when they take us to their lower level facility after the screening. Let’s move out. We need to be in Celadon by five in the morning tomorrow.”
04:12
“Alright guys, we’re almost there.” I called out. “Mirage, start the illusion and let me see it for now.” Mirage moved in front of me, his eyes closed as he focused in front of him. Then, they shot open and my whole body began to change. Of course I didn’t feel anything because it wasn’t real, but the transformation sure looked real. My blue shirt looked tattered and a little gross. My pants had holes in them, and it didn’t look ‘cool’ like the way the kids were wearing their pants nowadays. My black shoes with red stripes were the only decent looking thing on me.
“Alright, make sure you don’t drop this illusion. If you feel like you might, even the slightest bit, let Prowl know so he can take over or if necessary, Nightbeat, but I want her on her post so try to handle it. Don’t worry guys; I’ll reward you with whatever you want when we’re done.
Mirage grinned and disappeared. I knew he was moving behind me, and I was glad he was really quiet while doing so because he was going to have to be when we got there.
06:45
I looked up and the three story building, making sure I was at the right place. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting to see, but the place looked ugly, I was a little disappointed. I walked up to the sliding glass doors. On them I could see their logo of a D.N.A strand right above the company name ‘Doublestrand.’ I saw the same logo printed on the floor as I walked in and again on the wall behind the lady at the check-in desk. She was quite gorgeous. She looked up from the computer screen, her brunette hair falling into her face. She raised her small delicate hand with red nail polish on the fingernails up to her face and pushed her hair back. She adjusted her sophisticated black square glasses and stood up. She was wearing a stunning, tight red dress. Her high heels made a clanking sound as she walked towards me.
“Welcome to Doublestrand. How may I help you?” She asked in a soft, beautiful voice. I wanted to hit on her, but I knew that was a bad idea. Looking the way I did, what woman like her would want to be hit on by a homeless looking guy?
“Umm, yeah.” I stammered. “I’m here for…”
“Check in?” She asked, finishing my sentence.
“Yeah, that.” I said, putting on a smile.
“Okay, I’ll just need to see some I.D.” She smiled back. I pulled out the identification card I was given and handed it to her. She pushed some keys on her computer then handed me back my card.
“Well, Mr. Riker.” She said, “You’re all set and ready to go. Just have a seat over there and a nurse will be here shortly to do some tests.”
“Thanks.” I quickly said as I walked over to the waiting area. I sat there for at least fifteen minutes before someone came out. It was another young lady, but this one wasn’t as appealing to me as the one at the check-in desk. She wore all blue like any regular nurse.
“How are you feeling today?” She asked.
“Good.” I replied. She looked over my sheet and nodded
“Great,” She said after quickly looking at my sheet. “That’s it.”
“That’s it?” I asked curiously.
“Yup, we already screened you so you’re good to go.” She answered as she placed a wristband on my left arm, “Just go with the others now and we’ll start you on the first dose.” I just nodded and walked out. I walked over to the area with a sign that read ‘Dosing’. I took off my glasses and began cleaning them, the sign I gave Nightbeat. I walked over the desk.
“Wristband?” The old lady sitting behind the cheap fake wood desk asked. I stuck my left arm out and she quickly glanced at it. Then she handed me a small cup with two pills and a glass of water. I placed the pills in my mouth and drank the water to swallow them. Or at least that’s what she saw. Nightbeat handed Prowl the bag and he placed the pills inside and placed it back in the backpack. The lady then stood up and pointed at the clock. “Be back at 20:30. Your rooms are up on that wall” Then everyone got up and moved towards the wall.
18:56 two days later
“Okay, you got all that information downloaded right?” I asked Cybershock. He nodded. “So far nothing too bad. The food here looks pretty nasty. Haha, I hope when we leave they clean out the ceiling because then Ratatta will grab our food wrappers. Okay, so we’re about to be moved to the downstairs facility. This is some crazy shit. Did you see the guy yesterday? He looked really sick and now he’s gone today. I wonder what happened to him. They don’t have any information on this floor, which isn’t surprising since I knew it wouldn’t be this easy to get information on them here.
“It appears that they are strapping people down onto the beds and taking them like that, so I guess I’ll have to allow for them to do that to me in order to get to the lower levels. However, I want you Mirage to stay by my side. Prowl and Nightbeat, you two get into your Pokéballs.” I wanted for Nightbeat to hand Prowl the camera and pressed the button on the center of the black and red sphere and a red light shot out and quickly engulfed them, taking them into the realms of the Pokéball. “Can you keep the illusion up and record?” I asked Mirage. He grinned quickly nodded and made sure it was rolling. I knew better than to ask him that. “Awesome! Cybershock, travel through their electronics, look and gather any information that seems important and be ready.
I laid on the bed until the nurse finally came in. She quickly strapped me down and injected me with some liquid which was something I hadn’t expected. Luckily, she got the illusion and not me. I figured it was some sort of tranquilizer to put me out. I had to play along and pretend that I was knocked out. She began to push me out, but then stopped and looked back in the room. For a second I thought she had made us, but she just closed the door and carried on pushing me towards the elevator. Standing at the doors of the elevator were two guards with huge assault rifles. Their fingers appeared to be glued to the trigger and they appeared to be a little tense. They looked down at me as the nurse passed me through the elevator. He looked as if he were about to say something, but instead he just pressed the button to labeled B3. As the doors closed I knew phase one was complete.
20:15
“Alright, the cost is clear!” I whispered, almost a little too loud. I saw Cybershock begin to materialize from the electrical socket. I liked when he did that, at first all you see was a bunch of colors mixing together, and then from the bottom up he began to form.
“End of the hall to the left.” Cybershock said to me telepathically as he projected a floor plan of this level. Cybershock almost never talked. He definitely didn’t talk to anyone other than me or my Pokémon. When he did it wasn’t much.
I looked at the map and saw where all the cameras and security guards were, not that they would be a problem. “Okay, looks like we got this. We’ll leave in six hours.” I laid down on the cot and started at the ceiling. It felt like being in prison here. There were no windows. All it had was a mirror, a small chair and a cot. If I wanted to go to the restroom I had to knock on the door for a guard or nurse to escort me to it. No wonder they had trouble getting people to come to their facility, but I guess if you were doing something suspicious you would want to keep the area guarded.
02:35
“How many people are on this level?” I asked Cybershock. Two red beams shot out of his eyes and created the map from earlier. You could see every detail on the map from which way the camera was facing, to how many people were on the floor. You could even tell which were nurses or doctors and which the guards were. I saw four guards and three nurses or doctors. “Okay. Nightbeat, you’re still recording. Prowl, it is your turn to shade us with an illusion. Mirage as soon as he opens the door I want you to create another illusion of the guard and stand in the hall way while I change into his uniform. Cybershock, you knock him out with a small, low powered Zap Cannon.” Cybershock nodded and raised his left arm, creating a small greenish yellow orb of electricity.
“Okay then. Let’s get going.” I whispered quietly. Using the map Cybershock had laid out; I saw two guards on the end of the hall and two on the other side. I quickly knocked on the door.
“I got this.” I heard one of the guards call out from the left side of the hall. I could hear his footsteps approaching my room. As soon as he was in front, I signaled Mirage to begin. Right when the door opened, Cybershock launched his Zap Cannon at the guard. I caught his body as it fell to the ground. I waited for five seconds since the natural response time for a human was about that. I didn’t hear anything so I knew Mirage’s illusion was holding up. I quickly stripped the guard of his clothes and put them on. I put the guard into my bed and covered him, in case a nurse came to check. I didn’t know of any other place to stash him. I stepped into the hallway and looked both ways. The other guard was standing at the right end. Mirage extended his claw and placed it on my shoulder.
“Let’s go.” He said, still playing the guard, which meant I was still Clyde Riker. We walked towards the end of the hallway and went into one of the offices. There was a nurse in there, but Cybershock swiftly took her out. I sat on the computer and began looking through their files.
I looked through their archives, but couldn’t find anything. Then, I saw a file labeled ‘Final Test – March 27th 2022’. I clicked on it and saw a video. I slowly moved the mouse over the play button, unsure of whether or not I wanted to see this. Hesitantly, I pressed it.
“This is Dr. Erek Earson testing tube 20758 for the thirty ninth time. We believe this is the correct formula.” The doctor in a hazmat outfit said. I couldn’t see his face. He then injected the unconscious young man with whatever was in the syringe. For a few minutes, nothing happened. I was about to fast-forward it when I saw his eyes shoot open as he began seizing. He was strapped down so I could only guess that they suspected this. Then, his body remained motionless. Several seconds later he began screaming in pain. Only someone inhuman could watch that. I moved the cursor over and fast-forwarded the video. I stopped when I saw a Pokémon lying in the bed where the man once laid. I was in total shock. I stared at the screen for several seconds before finally moving backwards. I turned the volume down as the transformation took place. The man was either screaming in pain or was really scared at what was happening to his body.
Directly below that video, I saw another one labeled ‘Final Test – Results.’ I clicked the play and saw the man who injected the man. I could only tell because of his voice. He looked to be about fifty to sixty years old. He was a tall white man about six feet tall and around one hundred and seventy pounds. He surprisingly didn’t have white hair, it was a black color. His dark brown eyes stared into mine. I could see no emotion in them. What he said both worried and angered me.
“The test today was successful. We have finally found a way to turn a person into a Pokémon. The main thing we need is more Solosis, preferably already dead. Their D.N.A attaches perfectly to any other Pokémon’s D.N.A. and takes over. It completely changes the human structure. At first we thought Ditto would do the trick, but it could only replicate and the test subjects that transformed were deformed. The procedure is extremely painful and anesthesia doesn’t work. We will need more test subjects… both Pokémon and human alike.
Test Subject 015, the species known as Scraggy, has survived the longest. We have fourteen other subjects, but they aren’t as good as this one. So far, he is the healthiest.”
The video ended and I stood up. This had been going on longer than three months. I knew because it was now June and the final test date was in March. They had to be doing this before, but how long ago and how many people they’ve done this to I was unsure of. Cybershock tapped me on my shoulder and pointed at a monitor. I could see the Scraggy from the video slamming its head onto the wall, trying to escape.
“That is just down the hall. Cybershock, stay here and when I give you the signal, open all the doors. There is no way we can save them all, but we’ll take that Scraggy with us. We’ll have to come back for the others. ” I said angrily. I ran out of the room and turned down the hall towards the room where I saw Scraggy in the security room. I signaled for Cybershock to open the doors. I heard a loud clunking sound then the doors shot open. I knew it was a matter of time before they came. I ran into the room and saw the Scraggy staring at me, completely scared. He quickly got up and charged at me.
“Scraggy, we’re here to help you.” I called out, dodging his attack. I knew he was too frightened and probably thought I was one of them so I was going to have to calm him down. The only one I could use was Hypno, but he was with Cybershock. As usual, Cybershock was reading my mind and Mindwipe teleported in front of me.
“Don’t hurt him too much, he’s just scared.” I called out to Mindwipe. “Use Low Kick.” Hypno lowered his stance and waited for Scraggy to come charging him. As predicted, Scraggy ran towards Hypno with another Headbutt attack. Hypno swiftly moved his right leg and slammed it into Scraggy’s waist, knocking the Shedding Pokémon tripped and rolled on the ground.
When he caught his balance he disappeared and reappeared right behind Mindwipe and punched the pendulum wielding Pokémon hard in the back. Mindwipe turned around and grabbed Scraggy on the head and lifted it off of the ground. He was about to slam him into the ground when the lizard Pokémon smashed his foot into Mindwipe's face, drawing a little blood. The yellow and white Pokémon released the creature. Scraggy arched his back and had one hand on the ground and the other holding up his pants-like-skin. He pushed himself off of the ground and extended his foot, which met Mindwipe’s face.
Suddenly, the alarm went off.
“Damnit, we’ve got to go.” I called out to Mindwipe. “Put it to sleep with Hypnosis.” Now angry, Mindwipe raised his arms that were covered in psychic energy and began pounding on Scraggy. Even though Scraggy was resistant to Psychic type moves, I could tell it was hurting him. Mindwipe quickly realized what he was doing and raised his pendulum. He began swinging it back and forth, sending small hypnotic waves into the mind of Scraggy. I could see his large white eyes begin to droop.
I ran over to the lizard and picked him up. He tried struggling, but he couldn’t resist anymore and fell asleep. I ran out into the hall where Mirage, Prowl and Nightbeat were waiting for me. “Mindwipe, go with Cybershock.” He nodded and quickly teleported away.
“FREEZE!” A loud voice called out from behind me. “DON’T MOVE. SLOWLY PLACE YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEAD.” I looked over towards Nightbeat who winked. I quickly dropped to the ground and Nightbeat quickly struck the guard. She moved so fast I could barely see it. The guard surely didn’t have enough time to react.
“Let’s go.” I called out as I began to run. Nightbeat, Prowl, and Mirage were all ahead of me.
“Not so fast.” A familiar voice called out. It was the same voice from the video. Half of me wanted to turn around and take him out right then and there, but I knew that would make me no better than him. “We can’t let you leave, you’ve seen too much.” He raised a gun and shot at me. All I saw was a black and red blur dash out in front of me, and then the scientist from the video fell to the ground. Behind him were Cybershock and Mindwipe who was holding Scraggy. Mindwipe had knocked him out with his Hypnosis attack.
I quickly looked over towards Mirage who was on the ground unconscious and loosing blood. I dropped to my knees and rushed over to his side. I could feel the tears dropping down my face as I grabbed his arm. I couldn’t feel a pulse. I couldn’t lose him, not after all we’ve been through. Mirage was the first to hatch from his egg so he took on the leadership role between his brother and sister. I couldn’t lose him. I began thinking of what I could do, but before I could do anything, a small green Pokémon moved past me and jumped onto Mirage. I could see white pulses coming out of its body as it attached itself to Mirage’s wounds.
“Solosis.” It quietly said as it appeared to fall asleep. I wasn’t sure what it was doing, but I didn’t have a choice. I could only hope that that worked.
“Prowl, carry Mirage and Nightbeat, grab that guy.” I choked out. We got into elevator just as some guards were coming buy. I could feel us moving up.
“Just hold on Mirage…” I whispered. Then suddenly, the elevator stopped moving. “Damnit, they cut the power.” Cybershock angrily punched the elevator door, sending sparks of electricity flow out of the elevator. Within a few seconds, it was up and running again.
When we got to the main floor, Cybershock blasted a hole in the side of the building and we got out through there. I ran to the biggest vehicle I could find. I smashed the window and unlocked the door. Prowl placed Mirage in the back seat and Nightbeat threw the scientist in the middle seat. Prowl and Nightbeat sat in back with Mirage. Mindwipe kept his hand on the scientists head, making sure he didn’t wake up just yet. Cybershock sat in the passenger’s seat and jumpstarted the car. With that, I took off to a hotel that was a bit far from the facility. I had to get somewhere secure. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed a number.
“Hey Emily, it's Rex. Can you meet me at Vernon’s Motel in fifteen minutes.” I asked. “...no, not for that. Bring some medical supplies and your Chansey, it’s an emergency.”
Re: _|-Experiment: Part One - The Discovery-|_
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Ready for Grading:
Pokemon Attempted: Scraggy and Solosis
20k to 40k Character Range
Character Count (Without Spaces): 22,418+
Character Count (With Spaces): 27,576+
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Re: _|-Experiment: Part One - The Discovery-|_
Plot/Introduction:
Plot ~ Overall it makes sense because you are going for a Solosis. Although many people have done the evil corporation schema before in other works I like how the way you designed it so that the company wasn’t necessary evil, just breaking the law. The pace of the story was slow and measured, but by adding the mini cliff hanger at the end you threw in some excitement that livened up the story and added an unforeseen twist, so good job.
By using the time stamps I think your transitions between time frames was good and well paced so they didn’t distract, kudos.
Something that was interesting was when Rex is told that he was being watched he was surprised. But if he was a detective and part of the national guard how could he not notice such a thing? Unless it was highly advanced and undertook by skilled operatives I’m sure he would notice. Just something to think about if you continue this series.
Another thing that was open was when Rex entered the building and comes into contact with the nurse for the first time. You say he has been screened but you never mention how. Did his employers submit a false sample or what? Be sure ti fix holes like this as it can take away the fullness of your work.
Thirdly, how did Rex get a cell phone in the end? If there are a company doing tests it would logical to assume that each patient would be frisked/searched and their personal belonging removed until they left the premises, especially if they are up to no good.
Introduction ~ I like how you place the reader in some sort of mobster confrontation scenario. Him being offered, denying the offer, sort of getting forced into it. It a cliche hollywood thing, but it works and I like how you used it. That being said, you never told the reader how mister Prescott is. You introduced the police chief then moves onto a different scene. This wasn’t that big because it was only in the beginning, but it takes away from the context of the starting scene.
Your opening wasn’t particular vivid or very exciting but it managed to keep my attention solely on the story because of the opening mobster scene. You provided some basic background on the main character and introduced his personality, but I would have liked to seen you describe the background of the office. Maybe make it mysterious and dark to add to the complexity of the story as a whole.
Grammar: You a few mistakes here and there, but you kept making one mistake that I pointed out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
“The choice is yours to make[.]” A plump man in a cheap blue suit said.
~ You still need a comma here because of the word ‘said’ as it acts on the dialogue. I saw this more than once in the story.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
“Hmm, chief of police huh, interesting.” I said to myself. “This must be interesting for him to come and talk to me.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
“They have been in business for about five years now, but two years ago, it was noticed that people have gone missing.
~ Tense issue, have should be had because you are talking about the past.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
You have [to] immediate family, they are all deceased.
~ That should be no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
I looked up [and] the three story building, making sure I was at the right place.
~ This should be at.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
“Alright, the cost is clear!” I whispered, almost a little too loud.
~ Cost should be coast.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
Hypno swiftly moved his right leg and slammed it into Scraggy’s waist, knocking the Shedding Pokémon tripped and rolled on the ground.
~ The last half of this sentence in problematic because it doesn’t make much sense. I think you are missing a word or two here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
The food here looks pretty nasty. Haha, I hope when we leave they clean out the ceiling because then Ratatta will grab our food wrappers.
~ This may only be me but I don’t get what you’re trying to convey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
However, I want you Mirage to stay by my side.
~ There should be quotes bracketing Mirage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
Mirage as soon as he opens the door I want you to create another illusion of the guard and stand in the hall way while I change into his uniform.
~ You need a comma after Mirage.
You had a decent amount of mistakes for a story of this size, so be sure to continue to go over your work with a good comb.
Detail: You didn’t have very much in the story which was surprising to me. Now, I don’t mean that as a bad thing, it’s just that there wasn’t really much for you to describe outside a few things. Those things that were described were done in a solid manner, but I felt you could have added some more to give that wow factor.
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Originally Posted by you
I turned towards the three black bipedal fox-like Pokémon with a large black manes as they looked at each.
~ That is a good basic description of the Pokemon But you could have taken it a step further. You could have added something about the feel of their silky smooth hair, or the blood color of their claws. You don’t want too much detail, but by adding it in certain situations you create a vivid scene that draws the reader in and leave a distinct impression in their mind.
Here’s what I mean that you did which stood out to me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by you
I walked up to the sliding glass doors. On them I could see their logo of a D.N.A strand right above the company name ‘Doublestrand.’ I saw the same logo printed on the floor as I walked in and again on the wall behind the lady at the check-in desk. She was quite gorgeous. She looked up from the computer screen, her brunette hair falling into her face. She raised her small delicate hand with red nail polish on the fingernails up to her face and pushed her hair back. She adjusted her sophisticated black square glasses and stood up. She was wearing a stunning, tight red dress. Her high heels made a clanking sound as she walked towards me.
~ There wasn’t too much detail and it was all balanced out.
I might have missed this, but I don’t recall you telling the reader what the main character looked like. It is always crucial to give the reader a good visualization of what the main person look likes. Not only does it provide some context, appearance is a window into portion of ones personality. This is also important in this case because your character alters his appearance with the help from his Pokemon. It would have been nice to see you provide a comparison of the two.
Finally, I felt you could have expanded on the senses aspect of the character more than you did. Sight, emotions, and thought you did a good enough job on. But because you were in the clinical setting I would have liked to see you tackle the sight and sound of the facility. Did it smell sterile or reek of fear? With these kind of additional detail you could created a very good scene that thoroughly engaged the reader.
Battle: Meh, you had a very short one, but it doesn’t really have enough to write a review on. I will say that I liked how the attacks were described and the manner in which they were used flowed very well.
Overall: Captured You had a few minor problems in each area that I addressed, but together they are not sufficient to warrant a failing grade by any means. Finally, something I didn’t mention above is your dialogue. The prose and structure just felt wrong to me during the beginning, not the end. To me, it didn’t mesh right with the rest and could have been done without. For higher captures be sure to check that your dialogue adds meaning to the work as whole and not something that was just thrown in there.
