[Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)

Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: [Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)

  1. #1
    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    empty space
    Posts
    2,097
    Blog Entries
    8
    Add MuddyMudkip on Facebook
    Follow MuddyMudkip on Tumblr Visit MuddyMudkip's Youtube Channel

    Default [Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)

    Right then, another story deal. Actually, I just hit two birds with one stone here - kind of. So, yeah, Gmandiddy and Mubz's mons are here! :)

    --------------------------
    Through the Shadows: Part One
    By MuddyMudkip
    --------------------------


    A loud crashing, cracking sound echoed throughout the dark room and hallway. A young woman, about in her early twenties, cringed and gulped worriedly. She shook her head, a lone blond tuft of hair brushed harshly across her pale neck; it could barely be seen as a black cotton hood covered her head.

    She hated this life, this job, she had. Why had she ever agreed to doing this? Now, she was the worst among her teammates - she could not go fifteen minutes without bumping into something in the dark. It is true! Her record was fourteen minutes and seventeen seconds! Why had they even hired her? That thought came into her mind often enough - any sensible person would wonder that.

    "Great. Just great…" a dark, depressed voice muttered loudly as a figure walked into the room. The creature made many thumping-like sounds as it walked across the carpeted floor, making some slight indents. The woman sighed, it was always like this. Her boss always complained - who wouldn't? - but would never fire her. She just wanted out; out of this darn company; this darn life!

    Through the shadows came a huge, muscular man, most probably in his mid-to-late-forties. Today, like any other "work day", his choice of clothing was black in color. Jet-black jeans, dark brown long-sleeved shirt, shiny black rubber shoes, along with a dark dark blue cap - which looked black from a distance.

    He grumbled heavily as he walked at a terrifying pace towards the nervous woman. By terrifying, I mean slow but could scare you to bits and pieces. On his face was a huge frown - growling and spatting in every way.

    "What are we going to do with you?! Irene Callen, you had better take things seriously!!" he screamed, the female trainee shrunk down to an even smaller size. He repeated, "What?! What are we going to do with you!?"

    She could not bare it any longer. She pretended to be deep in thought at first. "Um… Fire me?" Irene replied, more of asking and begging than anything really.

    "No… You should have my genes," the man answered, shaking his head as his voice began to drop. His right hand came up to his head, rubbing it slowly and undecidedly. Then, out of the blue, his mouth opened, while his vocal cords sprang back to life. "For crying out loud, in the name of Arceus, you should be a great spy! For crying out loud, in the name of all Pokemon, you are my daughter! How could I fire you?! Have you forgotten that?! GEEZ, Irene, pull your darn self together!"

    With that, both humans - at about exactly the same moment - turned on their heel. They stomped and trudged away furiously in opposite directions. Irene Callen hated training, it always went wrong. Heck, she had already been on a small mission once, and it was a successful one - even if she got into a little trouble. Now, Ivan Callen was starting to hate his life - but he had to continue with this "business" of his.

    A door, painted in the shade of brown, slammed shut with a bang. The feminine nineteen-year-old broke down, completely. She was kneeling forcefully now, her body collapsing; her emotions taking over. She tore her hood off as her head banged into the soft mattress of her bed. The mattress, however, was anything but soft for Irene at this very moment. Everything was hard; hard as stone; cold as ice. Tears bagn to flow, slowly at first, then the rate of crying began to hasten. The liquid fell, drop by drop, rapidly - she could not control herself any more. Suddenly, bursting out into tears, she... Collapsed! Fainted!

    ***


    Meanwhile, in a different room, Ivan Callen was outrageous. He could not believe it, he never would believe it! His youngest, and thought to be strongest, daughter was failing him. Sure, she had failed him many times, but this one was the worst! He thought she had changed when she had successfully finished a small mission, but it was not so! He shook his head rapidly, his face now red with anger.

    Ivan's right hand clenched into a tight fist as he slammed it down on the table hard. The powerful sonic waves from his hand shook the whole table - he was that strong. Many people wondered how he had gotten that strong, or how he could still be powerful at his age of forty-eight. He sighed, he had never been this furious and frustrated since eight years ago.

    He had only been angry at his twin children - Iverson and Ivy Callen - who were, of course, older than Irene. Why had he been angry? He was not exactly angry at the twins, becuase it was not exactly their fault that they had died stupidly. Earthquakes were natural things in the world after all, were they not?

    But why? Why? Why? Why had it to be his children? Why? What had they done wrong? Had they even done anything wrong? Well, sure, other people had been injured and killed, but why had his children have to be two of them? They were great, famous people already; they helped the community!

    Speaking of his children, people now ask why he had chosen Irene to be his spy. Why had he not chosen Iverson instead? The masculine would have been stronger, would he have not been? In truth, he loved Irene more than the twins, and had already chosen her to be his spy once she had come into their world. Besides, Iverson had a love for something else. Something that had gotten him hospitalized - perhaps dead, if you will.

    He could not take it any longer. Why had it to be his family, of all people? What had they done wrong? He had thought of suicide once before, but dismissed the thought before it actually ever came to him... Now, Ivan was shattered. Dreams and goals were escaping him. But, he knew he had to live, many people depended on him.

    Why? Why people needed spies, as his thoughts might have said? Well, actually, he is not exactly a spy. He is more of a detective, police officer, working for the government - he's just the head of the organization that does the government's "dirty work", as some might say.

    With a final slam of his hand on the desk, Mr. Callen hastily stood up and walked out the door. He needed something else right now. He needed something to keep himself - and his mind - busy.

    ***


    She did what she always did when she was sad, depressed, angry, even happy and joyful. She would talk to her Pokemon. Irene released her only true friends from their homes - cages, as she would call it.

    First, out of a Dusk Ball, came a black levitating ball. He seemed to consist of pure ghostly matter, surrounded by a purple glowing "corona" of smog. He had big, white menacing eyes that could scare you - unless your heart was strong - with a single, ghostly stare, called Mean Look, or he could scare you with an attack called Nightmare. A mouth with a pair of sharp fangs in it would stand out in the dark, right next to the piercing eyes. All these characteristics made the Gas Pokemon look like a real ghost - a nightmare - in total darkness.

    Next, a zebra-like Pokémon emerged from a blue Poke Ball that had two red lines on top - the Great Ball. She was primarily black with various white-colored zig-zagging stripes and bands patterned on her body and limbs. She had a long, pointed mane, which was white as well as two thunderbolt-like protrusions on top of her head, which resembled horns. The mane extended down her back, ending in a starburst-like shape to form a tail-like feature. The Thunderbolt Pokemon's pupils had a blue shade, while the irises were yellow in color.

    Third on the line up, housed in yet another Great Ball, was a white body that very much blended with the white light that had just dissipated. His legs gave him an appearance of wearing a white dress, or nightgown. He seemed to have a green "helmet" that had a slightly sharp-looking red horn on the front and one on the back. The Feeling Pokemon's eyes could not be seen due to the "helmet" hiding them. Irene already knew what they looked like, though, by looking at a certain angle, red-colored melancholy eyes could clearly be seen.

    And last, but not the least, a common, classic Red-and-White Poke Ball releasing a white-colored creature that resembled large felines, much like mountain lions. Her tails had a distinctive whorl at the end. Her fur was pale tan in color, with the exception of her black-rimmed ears. Perhaps the Classy Cat Pokemon's most distinctive feature was the red jewel embedded on the center of her forehead. Happy to be out of her ball again, she retracted the claws on its fore- and hind-paws, then brought them out again. The Persian simply loved doing this; and Irene simply loved her antics.

    She could easily talk and communicate with all of her Pokemon, thanks to Archer the Ralts. Irene's bond with all of her Pokemon has helped her plentiful times. Even without Archer, she could still communicate with her Pokemon, to some extent. Irene gave Archer the "Go-signal", in which a telepathic-like energy began to form. It was white and slightly green in color, surrounding all of them. A moment later, they all had telephatic connections, interlinked in their minds through the Ralts.

    "Today was just horrible..." She sighed as she shook her head. Tears started to swell up in her eyes once more; she looked away, escaping the gaze of her partners, turning to look at the sky and ever-so-bright glowing moon through her bedroom window. It was not a full moon, but it represented Irene's heart, soul, mood, and emotion as of the moment. The sparkle, that was usually there on good days, was gone, replaced by drifts of slightly dark clouds. The Earth's satellite was not complete, just like Irene's almost empty heart. Her Pokemon chirped sympathetically as liquid started to drop slowly. She quickly ran her right arm across her eyes, wiping the tears off.

    Irene proceeded to explain her current situation, looking back at her friends - not exactly meeting their eyes. Her face had a particularly distant look, as if her mind was on something else. "Well, we had practice and training again--"

    {As usual...!} the Persian piped up, disrupting not only the telekinetic signals but also Irene's train of thought. Everyone glared at her, the Gastly staring her down with a Mean Look. She shrunk back apologetically and defiantly as his trainer continued.

    "As I was saying, before Nyra here interrupted, training was not a blast. It never was, or is, anyway. However, this time was worse than before. Remember my record was fifteen minutes? Well, this time it was fourteen minutes!"

    {Master,} Gohs responded in a silky, ghostly voice. {That was so close... What did you bump into?}

    "A stupid little thing. I bumped into a stupid little thing that makes noise. That stupid little thing was a small number of trash - specifically cans and plastic bottles!" Irene answered. Her Pokemon gasped, all trying their best to stifle their giggles and laughter. They all knew very well now never to put down Irene about a mission, or anything, for that matter. "You see, the practice mission was breaking in to some kind of headquarters. The usual kind that has trash cans at the side. And you know how my father likes to make things very real and genuine-like."

    {Mistress, how did you collide with those things? Could you not see? And, how come you did not use one of us? We could have easily made out the figures, could we not?} Archer asked out of the blue. He definitely was not known to ask questions, or even talk, throughout the duration of the whole conversation. This was usually the case because, for such a young and small Pokemon, Archer had to take care of controlling the psychic communication connections. Even during casual talks with other Pokemon, he was very silent. You can be sure, though, he is one mighty fine creature, one that would really stick with you.

    "Archer, it was very dim... Father told me specifically not to bring you guys out. He said, 'No Pokemon are allowed for this training session. Though, you may, of course, use your Pokemon when you are in a real mission, as long as it doesn't make noise.'" Irene replied, imitating her father's deep dark voice as necessary. "Well, nothing else really happened in my sickening life today..." Her Pokemon were silent after this. Every night, whenever Irene was depressed, they would have nothing to say. Or, they would not dare to say anything - but it is usually not the latter one. They would, somehow, share a bond of emotions. Today it was silence... There was nothing to talk about, nothing their emotions could present...

    "IRENE!" somebody shouted, breaking the moments of silence the woman shared with her Pokemon, the voice echoing its way to Irene's room. She recognized the voice immediately as her father's. The man had another statement coming her way, sounding a lot like a threat. "Get you dinner now before I have any second thoughts!" And, perhaps, it was.

    She shrugged as she shook her head. She was probably going to have to get used to this, seeing as she still had to live with her aging dad, and her aging dad had no intention of firing her. "See ya later guys," she said, trying her best to smile as she waved back and closed the door behind her.

    {Bye! Enjoy your dinner, master!} her Pokemon called after Irene, right before Archer broke off the connection. Irene heard their words before wincing slightly. She still had not gotten completely used to the feeling of broken telepathic connections, however often she might have felt this.

    Down the stairs she went, her right hand sliding slowly along the rail as she went. She forced her feet to move, to take the steps. When she finally reached their ground floor, a screeching sound echoed through the hallway. "IRENE! Are you coming or not?!" The woman cringed, her father's voice painfully surging through her head and mind. She tried her best to walk steadily on... However, her brain hurt, causing her to walk with great difficulty. She looked drunk, although she was not, swaying from side to side. Reaching the kitchen, she was conscious of her surroundings again, she had returned to her normal state. She always did, though her dizzyness-spells came a lot more often nowadays - it was getting worse.

    Slowly and carefully, she took her seat, sitting in the chair she always sat on - the chair right across her father's. Of the five seats, two had cushions - the two that were always occupied; two were in pretty good condition, but were long since last sat in; and the other, it was dusty and slightly broken, reminding them of a horrible day - it had been a long time since it was last used, or touched, even. No one could figure out why they still had the three other chairs there. Did they not break their hearts to see them everyday, reminiscing them of the terrible events, the terrible tragedies?

    The meal was a silent one. Sure, it was pretty much always like this. However, this time it was really quiet, not a single word was exchanged. Until they were halfway through the meal, Ivan had not yet spoken a word.

    "Well... So..." he began. He did not know exactly how to deal with their current situation, he never had to. Or, at least, they were not as, for lack of better term, fragile as the current circumstance. Mr. Callen breathed in deeply. He let the carbon dioxide out as he spoke his next words; "Uh... First, and foremost, you are to do more training. I do not care how much work time you skip. We can get enough pay from this job - these deals - already."

    Right... Enough pay... Hmph! Irene told herself, looking at the brown-colored wooden dinner table. The food they had set out on the clean white cloth was few - just some leftover chicken as well as lower quality spaghetti. That was the exact reason she wanted - needed - another job, she had to help her father live; to supply their needs. Some would think being a secret spy pays - pays a lot. Well, it does not, not in the Callens' case.

    She was just about to make a smart comment - a retort, really - when a phone rang suddenly. Ivan quickly stood, walking away from the dining room. From the look on his face, Irene knew it was an important call. And she had heard that ringtone before, it was quite rare, thus, she presumed it was from one of the government's departments. Not wanting to be rude or impolite, she patiently awaited her father's return...

    Scratch that last statement...

    Irene's stomach growled all of a sudden. She forced herself to wait, but Ivan was taking much too long. She shook her head, trying her best to ignore her hunger. A few more moments later, she could not stop herself. Even though the food was not that appetizing, she had to take her meal. And right at the point when she was about to take another bite at her chicken, her father stepped back into the room with a grim, and quite unreadable, expression on his face.

    "That was Mr. Christopher Jone, an official of our government. He's, practically, the spokesperson of our president." Ivan announced in a monotone voice. Pokemon governments had been implemented just slightly over eleven years ago. This was the new Pokemon world, not really like the old free universe. Of course, nothing much changed, though there were a lot more buildings and offices, and a lot less wildlife. However, that also meant quite a number more criminals - which is exactly why The Organization was formed. Yes, that was their name, "The Organization", it was something simple but meaningful - or so they thought.

    "And... So...?"

    "So, we have another mission. Hey, you should actually be thankful that we actually have some work to do!" Ivan answered, sending his daughter a glare as she sighed sadly at the sound of the word 'mission'. "Anyways, Mr. Jone tells me they have received reports about a possible battle. They received leaks that Johto has intentions of attacking us. Of course, these are just rumors, but best be prepared. The President orders us to train and practice harshly, just in case. Not only us, humans, but also our Pokemon need to work harder than ever now."

    "Oh, and, even if we don't have a battle coming up, we still have another mission. Researchers, specifically geologists, say there are some weird on-goings underground. It's probably just another false alarm, or just the Pokemon traveling. But, in any case, we have to go check it out. You'll be coming with me, along with some others. Train your Pokemon everyday, you only have two evolved creature so far - which is not very good," he continued. Irene sighed again - two missions at once? She did not expect that at all. Both of them seemed pretty interesting, though, more interesting compared to her other mission - as well as missions of other spies.

    "Fine. Fine. I'll train them, at least that part is entertaining. And, don't worry, they shall evolve soon enough," the woman reassured him right before she attacked her not-so-appetizing food again. This time, Mr. Callen sighed. She began to think about possible training strategies, and possible move combos. She decided on teaching her Pokemon stronger, more reliable moves.

    ***


    "Okay, here is how we are going to train today: we shall do some battles," Irene announced once all four of her Pokemon were comfortably out of their Pokeballs. She tried her best to sound professional, like a real referee. "I will not be shouting out any commands, you guys battle on your own. Do it as if you're in the wild, but still remembering what I have taught you. Use any of the moves you know, as well as any tactic or strategy. The match-ups are the following: Nyra versus Archer, and Gohs up against Strika. The battles shall not be simultaneously fought so that I have the opportunity to study you properly; so I may see what needs, or need not, to be improved. Nyra and Archer will go first."

    She smiled, very much liking the way she spoke - she suddenly felt mature, and ready for both missions. Of course, that did not mean she did not need to train. She seemed to have a change of heart... Now, her only goal was to get stronger; tougher; better than ever before. And she was to do it with her great, trustworthy, and loyal Pokemon! Her smile grew wider as the bout began.

    Being the faster of the two, Nyra, knowing from experience that psychic types were weak to dark-typed moves, charged at Archer rapidly. Her sharp teeth showed, glistening in the sunlight, as she opened her mouth. Her legs pushed her forward, her paws felt her body was so light as they touched the soft grassy ground of Irene's backyard. The next moment, she had dug her teeth into Ralts, delivering a Bite attack. Of course, she had not hurt the opponent at full strength, knowing fully that this was just some sort of test and she need not be too harsh on her teammate. Then, she winced. Archer had been able to gather up enough power for a small, but nonetheless effective, Psychic. A turquoise aura surrounded the Persian as the Ralts concentrated on the Psychic. He slammed the "foe" down on the grass hard: hard enough to do a considerable amount of damage; light enough to make sure Nyra would not be badly hurt.

    Taking this opportunity, as the Persian was still dazed lying on the grass, Archer walked towards her flirtatiously - playboy-style. He circled around her slowly, captivating her. However, Nyra knew this was coming, she had been trick quite a number of times before - she was never going to let that happen again. The Ralts was able to bring down her attack status by only one stage. Shaking her head, the Classy Cat Pokemon stood quickly, growling indignantly at Archer. Her claws glowed white, one on each forepaw, the dark power flowing to them. They soon turned a gray-ish black color, before becoming completely jet black. Ralts had never seen this attack before, so she continued on with his plan. His eyes began to glow red as well as the outline of his body. Rings in the shade of red were emitted from his eyes, heading toward Nyra, but she had already leapt forward when Hypnosis had started to take its toll. She slashed her two glowing claws across the whole of the opponent's body in an X-like motion, causing Archer to cringe and let a shrill shriek escape his lips in pain.

    The battle raged on, one gaining the advantage over the other alternatively. Eventually, both Pokemon were worn out, there was also not much left of their strength, energy, and power. At this point, Nyra seemed to be having the upper hand, though she was quite battered up as well. The Persian could clearly be seen panting heavily, and Archer had some scars here and there. A few moments of silence, peace, passed - neither of the two had fallen; neither had wanted to surrender.

    With one last effort, the Classy Cat Pokemon put on a sudden burst of speed, as if some small amount of energy had surged through her. The Ralts, too injured to react, stood stationary. He made no effort to move, much less evade, whatsoever. Seeing this, Nyra smiled triumphantly as her right forepaw brushed the grass, launching her forwards. The next instant, her head rammed into the opponent - her body pushing against her head, deepening the size of impact and increasing the damage inflicted. The Feeling Pokemon screamed in pain, the Quick Attack draining out the last bits of energy left in him - well, all except for a small bit, that is. His enemy growled, showing him her sharp teeth once more...

    "STOP!" Irene shouted in the nick of time, as Nyra's fangs were just centimeters away from the almost unconscious Ralts. "That will be enough, both of you. I think I have seen enough for today. Besides, we don't want Ralts getting K-Oed now, do we? That was definitely an interesting battle - great job!" She flashed them a happy, encouraging, and confident smile as they gratefully retreated to their Pokeballs. The nineteen-year-old turned to Gohs and Strika. "You two are up next. I hope both of you will put up a good fight, and make the bout as interesting as the earlier." The Gastly and Zebstrika growled energetically, running off to the large field - taking up the space on opposite sides, leaving a reasonable gap between themselves.

    Strika's white mane started to glow yellow. Sparks of electricity crackled about as she could feel the electric energy surging through her body. Most of the power shot up, moving all the way to the protrusions that were situated on the top of her head. The next moment, she discharged the buildup of electrical energy towards the levitating ghost type. Gohs, on the other hand, was much too concentrated on making his eyes a red glowing color, thus the electric-typed attack hit almost dead on. He winced, allowing the electricity to flow in his body before letting it out... He breathed a sigh of relief - Discharge had not paralyzed him - while Strika seemed to scowl.

    The Gastly resumed his concentration on his eyes, which, after a few moments, started glowing a reddish-violet color, after which, the energy turned red. The two creatures' eyes meet, the electric type's once blue eyes were now red-colored, too. They held their gaze for some few minutes until Gohs broke off the connection, feeling that he had hypnotized her enough to make her feel very drowsy. He smirked, whatever way he does that, as the Zebstrika glared at him menacingly. She blinked once, then twice - an emotion of anger surged through her. She knew she had not much time to fire her last attack for a while. Strika thought hard, remembering all the moves Irene had taught her...

    An attack flashed in her mind as the opponent began forming a dark purple orb. From the stripes and bands on her body, the creature released numerable tendrils of electricity. She focused on sending the waves forward to surround Gohs. His sphere made up of ghostly aura was still building up in power and size, thought it was almost already as big as, if not bigger than, the Gastly himself. The streaks of electrical energy wrapped around him, stopping the ball's growth. The Gas Pokemon cringed, the power of the electric currents was seeping into his gaseous body. Strika concentrated, making sure the coils of electricity were kept binding the opponent tightly. The ghost type's Shadow Ball began to decrease in size, the glowing dark aura fading, which undoubtedly meant the globule was weakening in terms of power. He realized this soon enough, with one last bit of effort before the paralysis took its toll, he released the frail spheroid just as the Zebstrika's eyelids drooped, the scroll of Thunder Wave falling - dissipating into thin air. The last thing the Thunderbolt Pokemon saw before going into a deep slumber was, the ghostly orb smacking her in the face.

    As Strika snored off peacefully into dreamland, Gohs snickered happily, evilly - this was all going according to plan... Well, except for the status ailment, of course. Now that his enemy was sound asleep, he could continue with his perfect plan to create nightmares as she slept as long as paralysis would not get in the way. He knew the attack Dream Eater would do a good deal of damage to the Zebstrika, as well as healing himself, but he also knew it would put a stop to her napping - which he did not want at all, not yet, at least.

    Then, the Gas Pokemon suddenly remembered another attack - one that would work very well with the electric type's current state of sleep. How he had performed the attack was a wonder in itself, and no matter how many times the different Pokemon, who could use this move, used the thing, no one - not even the top researchers - could decipher how they did it exactly. All they knew was, the creature closes its eyes, then the sleeping target suddenly gets nightmares, causing it to become scared as well as lose a lot of energy and health in the process. Perhaps, while the user's eyes are closed they are secretly forming a bond - a mind-link - with their foe. Perhaps they create scary illusions which are then sent to the enemy's mind, giving them nightmares. He had started to initiate his attack sequence, but, alas, the electricity conquered his body... The ghost type was paralyzed, and could not send nightmares towards Strika. He barely managed to stay levitating for much longer, collapsing onto the grassy ground for a few minutes.

    Fortunately, when he had tried another attack, he had escaped the status ailment's deathly hindrance. He reached into his very soul, a wave of dark - very dark - energy surging about. A thin layer of dark aura surrounded Gohs by and by, getting thicker as more power boiled about. It looked as though he was in total darkness in his own little area - his eyes and sharp fangs the only thing visible, and glowing, through the dark light. As this black glow faded, a pulsing beam of power shot through the air. It was as if the aura had transformed into a slightly erratic stream of darkness. It struck the Zebstrika directly, dealing a considerable amount of damage. The Thunderbolt Pokemon seemed to have winced in her sleep, then stirring soon afterwards.

    The levitating ball of gas knew it was time for Dream Eater - as long as his body allowed him to, there was not much time left. He knew he just had to strike now, before she could wake up. Much like Nightmare, trainers, scientists, and researchers alike could not figure out how the creatures could do this attack. It was not like, "they had absolutely no idea", though. Many people think the users are required to create a mind-link with the target, too, but this time their eyes would stay open completely - bugging out as if the creatures were concentrating much too hard, and it might, in fact, be true. And focus hard he did, Gohs looked as though he was staring right into the electric type's mind, or worse yet - right through her, delivering terrible shivers down her back as he did so. Another thing researchers knew about this attack was that the Pokemon always seemed to glow a reddish color, though whatever happens after that, they don't really know. A few moments afterwards, a red aura did glow around the Gastly, then a red-colored ghostly spirit-like being, which was invisible to Irene's naked eye - and other human's eyes as well, floated from the glow. It was a shadowy version of himself, much like a clone as a result of the move Double Team or Substitute - but this one was definitely darker, and had a more ghostly energy to it, not to mention there were some shades of red surrounding it, too. The figure floated quickly to Strika, carefully being controlled by Gohs, seeping into the opponent's head. He did not drop his pressure of concentration as his shadowy clone started to traumatize his opponent's dreams. She rolled about as she lay on the grass - her nap had been disturbed, causing her to wake with a confused, scared expression on her face. He breathed a sigh of relief, he had successfully completed the attack. He felt the Zebstrika's drained health and energy fill him up. Now, he was, practically, almost back to full health.

    She growled indignantly, shaking her head to fully wake herself up. She sneered, stared, glared, and scowled furiously at the foe. Then, she made up her mind - she thrusted her right fore-hoof on the grass roughly, much like a darn angry bull or a Tauros. Strika ran, she ran rapidly - electricity was sparking all around her emerging from the white detailing that ran across her whole body. She continued charging wildly, the only thing on her mind was revenge. The Gas Pokemon raised an eye, hadn't she known physical attacks would not work against ghost types, like himself. Oh, but, that was all part of the electric type's plan. Secretly, she was already charging up a Thunder attack as she sprinted. When you would think she would have jumped to slam head-first into the Gastly, she, instead, brushed her spiky mane and her thunderbolt-like protrusion against him. The electric currents cracked against the gas ball's lower regions. Strika stopped dead in her tracks, shooting an erratic beam of yellow upwards. It was kind of shaped like a lightning bolt, but a much stronger attack compared to Thunderbolt. The electrical energy directly hit him, causing yellow streaks to spark all around. It was as if being paralyzed was not enough - but, of course, it wasn't enough, definitely not enough when it came down to battling. She seemed to be getting the advantage over Gohs now, but you could never be certain...

    "Alright, take good long rests, both of you," Irene said, each hand holding a Pokeball that sucked in her Pokemon as the battle had almost drawn to a close. Eventually, Gohs had gotten the better of Strika with the help of Confuse Ray. Once she was certain she was alone in her backyard, she sighed heavily. Sure, her Pokemon had performed at their best selves, but they were nowhere near beating her other teammates. To be honest, her friends had more Pokemon than her, and most of them were much tougher compared to hers.

    She had come to the decision some days ago that she would get a new addition to her team. Just yesterday, she had figured out what Pokemon she would try to get - with the help of her friends' suggestions. The creature was something one of her teammates had - or at least, the evolved form. And that entity was an Aron. Irene had seen the power and strength of a soon-to-be-Aggron, a Lairon, of Kevin Odom. He had said they would make a great tag-team entitled, "AGGRON TAG-TEAM CRUSHER!" She shook her head, remembering the day and the moment he said that with a little chuckle. Kevin was still too childish, for his age of twenty, at times - yet he, and his team, was undoubtedly better than her.

    Today was the day, as she had determined with Kevin, she would try to capture an Aron. All that was left to do now was call him up and--- Oh, how ironic! she thought to herself as her phone vibrated steadily in her pocket. "Hello?" she spoke into the receiver of the cellphone after digging her hand into her pocket.

    "Hey, Irene! So, you ready to go catch an Aron?" a slightly deep but friendly, happy voice replied. Then quickly added, "This is Kevin, by the way."

    "Yeah, Kevin! I'm totally pumped. Where do we meet? And where exactly are we going to look for an Aron?" Irene answered, standing up as she brushed the grass, soil, and dirt off her jeans.

    "I'm on my way to your house right now, probably be there in a few minutes. Oh, and to a mountain, of course! Mount Rocta, to be precise - that's where I found Archie." Kevin responded, riding on his blue-colored bicycle as he reminisced the memory of catching his Aron. With that, they broke off the call.

    ***


    "Kev, are you sure we would be able to find an Aron?" the nineteen-year-old asked, her voice clearly having a tone of doubt, as they carefully began to hike up the mountain. She was breathing shallow gasps every now and then, the dusty and foggy atmosphere not at all helping their current situation. For the most part, the mountain path was easy enough to walk on. However, there were some instances in which the trail was too narrow that they would have to lean on the landform and walk sideways; or the route curved and turned that they would have to be extremely cautious.

    "Yes, I'm sure of it. When I encountered Archie, he was with about a dozen others, though a few of them were Lairons." he nodded with an ascertain look plastered on his face. His left hand reached over to his belt, unclasping a Pokeball. The ball was held firmly in his clenched fist, waiting for the right moment to release it. As they neared a cave, Kevin's grip loosened a little, walking in slowly and carefully. With his free hand and arm, he motioned for Irene to follow.

    The cave was quite big, though perhaps an Aggron or Tyranitar could just barely fit in it - height-wise. In terms of width, on the other hand, pretty much any species of Pokemon would be able to move forward. From where they were currently standing, the innumerable rays of sunlight still shot into the darkness, lighting their path for around some few meters.

    Reaching into her olive-green shoulder bag, the female rummaged through the number of things she had brought, until finally taking hold of a flashlight. Kevin saw this, knowing exactly what she had gotten, raised his right hand to signal her to stop. She was about to protest, her mouth was left hanging, when he calmly pressed the button on the center of the ball. A white light was emitted in a zig-zag-like pattern before transforming into a figure. When the aura dissipated, a creature that had a stocky, armored, and quadruped build emerged. His body was a dark-gray color, while his eyes were in the shade of sky-blue. His back was covered with several segments of iron armor, each having a high ridge and round dark holes on the sides. The sides of the Iron Armor Pokemon's lower jaw had several flat protrusions, and two teeth were visible in his mouth. There were also two pronged metal bands on the creature's legs; the upper was gray in color, while the lower was iron-colored. She shrugged but still held on tightly to her flashlight.

    They walked onwards, making sure they did not miss a thing. Irene decided she would catch a creature today, even if it was not an Aron. She would not allow herself to go home empty-handed, and besides, according to Kevin, there were other creatures that were just as great and interesting. There was an occasional Geodude or Diglett, and there were also some Sandshrews that rolled about. None of them had any interest in battling the trainers, except for one Phanpy and one Cubone. Both of them were quickly taken care of by Gohs and Archie, respectively.

    The light from the sun dimmed further and further, 'till they could barely see anything except, perhaps, some figures dancing in the darkness of the cave. Now, Irene's thumb was on the verge of pressing the flashlight's button. However, she had not any need to do this course of action. Kev spoke in a low voice, the command still audible as it echoes throughout the cavern. The Lairon complied, charging full speed at a nearby medium-sized boulder. He bashed his head into the stone, which had iron in it, creating glowing sparks to crackle. The rock continued to spark, causing it to become their light source. Archie rammed into another orb of the earth, this time a smaller one. The sparks then, somehow, came together, igniting a fire.

    "Aha!" the twenty-year-old shouted in triumph as he found a piece of rope from a pocket in his dark-blue backpack. He neared the burning rock, lowering the cord to the fire. The rope was about fifteen to twenty centimeters long, and roughly the first few centimeters were flaring with flames. He handed Irene another piece of rope, and she did the same - though in a more cautious and nervous manner. Now, the light they had was sufficient enough as they continued on with their search. The boulder Archie had first slammed into had not gone to waste either: the glinting sparks served as some sort of back-up or extra light. Every now and then, the Iron Armor Pokemon would run ahead, banging his head up against another boulder.

    Even with the light and some heat from the make-shift candle, Irene still felt unquestionably cold. They had been walking for an hour or so now, she figured, and the cave seemed to have no end - getting darker and darker, and colder and colder as they went. She could not help but watch the little embers linger at the one end of the line, growing with each passing minute. The rope was shorter now, no doubt, due to being burned continuously as time flew by. She gulped uneasily every time her hazel brown eyes flickered over to watch the fire burn the cord, causing it to become even shorter - and the flames traveling downwards, coming closer and closer to the end that was held frightfully by her right hand. The thought of the blazes reaching her palm to burn it stayed floating in her head as they continued to walk.

    Sometimes their shoes would find a soft, eroded spot in the earth - making both of them quite scared for a while. Sometimes there would be a rumble from somewhere deep within the den, causing Irene to jump in sheer shock; and Kevin to swing his torch around, trying to place where the unexpected noise had come from, until a some Pokemon of sorts passed by them - minding its own business. That had usually been the case, with the exception of some battle-hungry creatures, namely: two Rhyhorns; one Shieldon; one Vulpix, which Kev had captured; and one Houndour, which Irene had caught. Their Pokemon had helped each other out in battling these creatures, and most of the time it was not Archie battling - it was Kev's other creatures. And, in the process, Gohs had evolved into a Haunter - which cheered Irene up, for a while...

    "Oh, come on! That's the second Shieldon that has wanted to battle, and the third we've come across!" Irene exclaimed in an exasperated and exhausted sigh. She had been keeping track of the creatures they had passed and battled - and there still was not any Aron, that's considering they had come across two forks in the road. "When are we going to find an Aron?!"

    "Hmm... Maybe we should have taken the left path earlier? Or the right path when we came across the first fork?" Kevin offered, though he knew it would not really help their current situation. He shook his head, seemingly admitting defeat. His face was grim as he looked directly into her eyes - his jade green eyes piercing. "Look, just chill out, okay? Go a little easy for once. It's not like this trip was a total loss - at least you had gotten that Houndour."

    She sighed again, this time a heavy, tired gasp. "You're right, I suppose..." she mumbled under her breath, but still audible enough for him to hear.

    "See, there we go. Now, let's mo-- OW!! HOT, hot, hot!! Ow, ow, ow!" he screamed in pain as the embers charred his palm. He dropped the scorching piece of rope, jumping roughly on it to extinguish the flames of fire. Irene's eyes flashed to her own candle, dropping it immediately as well as stepping on it. Fortunately, she had not been burnt by the sparks.

    Quickly, she grabbed her water flask - which was filled with cool, not too cold, water. Kevin placed his hand, particularly his middle finger under the running water. Luckily, the burn did not need medical attention immediately and would be fine for some time; unfortunately, though, they needed more water. Irene rummaged through his bag until she found Kevin's water bottle. "The water is not enough," she explained slowly, not wanting him to get all riled up. "But it should be okay, for now. Come on, we're gonna go back." She hoisted him up and started to lead him back to where they had come from.

    "N-no! Not until we find that Aron for you," he protested, pulling her in the other direction. "Don't worry! I'm strong, I can handle this. Archie, give us some light again." The Lairon obeyed, charging rapidly at another medium sized boulder. Sparks flew everywhere, illuminating the cave just a bit. The yellowish light crackled on the smashed boulder as a shrill shriek of fright surged through the cavern with the wind. It sounded a lot like a growl of an Aron, but they were not so sure.

    Then, from the shadows created by the light, a small, round body walked nervously forward. It had four stubby legs, and a large, round head. Its had a dark-gray-colored body, and its eyes were a pale shade of blue. Portions of steel armor covered its head, legs, and back, which had a lone spike on it. Throughout the being's body were small openings in the armor: three of them were on its head, one, the largest, being the opening for its eye; and another one on its back below the spike.

    "Yes! Finally!" Irene shouted triumphantly, jumping up excitedly as she pumped her fist up into the air. Her other hand dug into her pocket, a miniature Pokeball rolled into her waiting palm. "Alright, Strika, I choose you!" She enlarged the ball, throwing it to the ground before her. A white light shone brightly as the ball opened, soon merging and expanding until it was the right size. Irene's Zebstrika let out a battle cry as she saw the Aron had started preparing a move. They were going to battle, a bout in the depths of the shadows of darkness...

    It closed its eyes in concentration as its exterior armor had begun glowing a bright whitish-silver color. As an aura of light surrounded its exoskeleton, it also seemed to get harder and stronger - tougher so it could endure stronger kinds of attacks. Kind of smart, ain't it? Irene asked herself happily, she definitely loved smart creatures.

    "Oh, Strika! Try to get in a nice, strong Thunder!" The Thunderbolt Pokemon obliged, charging up currents of electricity rapidly. The electrical energy shot forward through her mane, and up to the protrusions of her head. Her upper part glowed yellow as sparks began to appear on the tips of the lightning-shaped extension of her mane. The next instant, an erratic beam of yellow was released, heading straight for the Aron. The electricity, in the form of a lightning bolt, shot forwards swiftly - reaching the Aron just before its defenses were properly raised. However, only the first part of the attack had struck the Aron before the Iron Defense's effect took its toll - thus, the damage was not as great as it could have been.

    "Okay, now paralyze it with Thunder Wave! Then, follow up with Shock Wave," she ordered, her finger pointing purposefully at the wild creature. As she had done during her mock battle with Gohs, her energy was poured into the stripes and bands on both sides of her body. The detailing glowed yellow as several tendrils of electricity emerged from them. The waves shot forward, surrounding the Aron in a tight bind. Concentrating, Strika kept the coils wrapped around the opponent firmly as more electricity surged through her - though, this time it was through her throat.

    Small sparks crackled in her mouth until she had gathered a huge number of them. Her nuzzle opened, spitting out tiny lightning bolts of energy with much force and power as her grip on the tendrils loosened. The electric currents had seeped into the Aron, conquering his bloodstream and body - it was paralyzed. What was left of the streaks dissipated into the air as the electric-typed Swift attack hit the Iron Armor Pokemon from different, and perhaps all, angles and sides. But would that be enough? Irene did not know, she could not decide...

    "Irene! What's wrong!?" Kevin shouted from the side of the cave. She turned her head sideways, looking at him with a blank, yet sort of grim, expression on her face...


    Last edited by MuddyMudkip; 10th April 2011 at 10:12 PM.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  2. #2
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    8,128
    Blog Entries
    226

    Default Re: [Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)




























    claimed.

  3. #3
    ._. Synthesis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    8,128
    Blog Entries
    226

    Default Re: [Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)

    Sorry, but I'm going to unclaim this. I have been busy moving and it requires more than I'm capable of right now :X.

  4. #4
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    2,403

    Default Re: [Story Deal] Through the Shadows (Part 1)

    @MuddyMudkip

    Plot/Introduction/Characters

    Introduction ~ Your introduction is mysterious and immediately draws me in with you describing a dark scene. You give us a brief description of the main character and I like how you immediately give us something about her personality. Overall it was really good, you did everything you need for a good introduction.

    A negative thing I will say about your introduction is that it provides a good set up for the first 3/4ths part of the story but the last section didn’t really fit. And, the opening scene didn’t have enough background information to provide the reader with a clear picture of where it was taking place.

    Characters ~ You had pretty good character development for the both the overbearing and disappointed father; and the low self-esteem and unstable daughter. Unstable may be the wrong word but the way the two family characters spoke was not only consistent but sort of understandable throughout the story based on their backgrounds. That being said, you only had a very brief description of what the daughter looked like as she is the main character. By comparison, the father figure had more description and he wasn’t the focal point of the story.

    You also didn’t describe the final character, Kevin. Kevin was completely blank with no description whatsoever. Since he is in the story you’ll need to tell the reader what he looks like. I also felt disappointed that you did not give him a clear personality like you did the other two. You’ll need to do it because he is not just a passing character in your story.

    Overall, your character development was really good, you just need to work on some stuff about Kevin and better description for the girl.

    Plot ~ Your plot was intriguing and started off quite well. We don’t see many plots with a spy background and I was looking forward to reading what was going to happen. However, once I got further in the story I was disappointed in the outcome of the story. I’ll tell you why.

    You start the reader off with a good training scene that the main character fails for being clumsy. You then delve into some background stuff about the women then you move onto a dinner scene where the daughter finds out she is going to participate in two missions. I started to get excited about this part. I was thinking you were going to do something really original and couldn’t wait to see what you had in store. Needless to say I felt disappointed when you had the Pokemon training followed by taking a bike ride into the mountain to find an Aron.

    Your whole first part of the story was the girl complaining and lamenting about being a spy then the story takes the abrupt turn into a normal setting of ‘go into mountain and find Pokemon’. It just didn’t make much sense to have a complete switch in the middle of the story like that. It should be consistent and flow in a smooth manner; as it was the whole atmosphere of the story changed once the character went on to the mountain.

    I also saw a few other problems about your plot that I feel need to be addressed. You never fully explain why the daughter or father developed the way they did. You mention something about older twin siblings and how they die, but you never fully explore the issue to link it with the main story. It was a loose knot that tied into the characters but was never resolved.

    Another thing that bothered me was you never explained why Irene was a bad spy. You just threw it out there without any explanation. Something that tied into this was you talking about how she always bumped into something and even had a record for it. I don’t know if I missed something but in the large schemes of things it made no sense to include it because you provided no information of why it existed in the first place. Because the spy background was at the forefront of the story early on you’ll need to explain Irene’s spy background because you brought it up.

    Something that you might not have considered is when the father tells the daughter to train her Pokemon as she needs stronger ones. What sense would it then make to go catch a basic Pokemon? Aggron may be powerful, but it takes time for a Pokemon to evolve and therefore doesn’t fit with getting stronger Pokemon.

    The final problem I spotted with your plot had to deal with the cliffhanger. A cliff hanger should be a suspenseful moment that leaves the reader craving for more. Your cliffhanger didn’t feel that way for me. I was asking myself ‘what’? What I mean is that suddenly Kevin and Irene are searching for an Aron and come across one. Irene proceeds to battle it and after a battle movement Kevin suddenly calls out to her asking what is wrong? It didn’t really make sense because from I saw nothing had gone wrong up to that point that warranted cause for worry.


    Detail ~ You did really well in this department. The way you described both the Pokemon and Pokemon attacks left me a clear view of what they looked liked and what was happening. Like I mentioned before, you need to describe Irene and Kevin better as well as include something about the descriptions of the house in which Irene lived. For instance, in the part where Irene storms off to her room and cries you only described the feel of the mattress and what they bedroom door looked like. You could have provided some information about what the layout of the room was and how it reflected Irene’s personality. You did this for the dining room scene and you need to do it here also. Other than the detail on bedroom, Irene, and Kevin you did a solid job in this department. Finally, I would like to point out how you used the senses throughout the story in a solid manner. The only one you didn’t use was taste, and that’s fine.


    Grammar: Here you ran into some rough spots. I spotted numerous errors and some sentences that were confusing because of your word choice and usage.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    She had a long, pointed mane, which was white[,] as well as two thunderbolt-like protrusions on top of her head, which resembled horns.
    ~ You need a comma here because it sets off information that is not necessary needed for the sentence.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "A stupid little thing. I bumped into a stupid little thing that makes noise. That stupid little thing was a small number of trash - specifically cans and plastic bottles!"
    ~ This was the one part where I spotted something like this. The problem is that you used the words stupid little things repeatedly in the same manner. This just makes the sentence annoying to read.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Train your Pokemon everyday, you only have two evolved creature[s] so far - which is not very good," he continued.
    ~ Forgot the S in this sentence.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    Being the faster of the two, Nyra, knowing from experience that [p]sychic types were weak to [d]ark-typed moves, charged at Archer rapidly.
    ~ Those letters not to be capitalized because they are part of the Pokemon universe.

    Her legs pushed her forward,[ her paws felt her body was so light as they touched the soft grassy ground of Irene's backyard]
    . ~ This doesn’t make any sense.

    He slammed the "foe" down on the grass hard: hard enough to do a considerable amount of damage; light enough to make sure Nyra would not be badly hurt.
    ~ Contradiction here. Hard enough to do considerable damage, but not badly hurt? I think a simple change of words would fit better. Maybe change considerable to good.

    [quote]However, Nyra knew this was coming, she had been trick[ed] quite a number of times before - she was never going to let that happen again. [/quote ~ Missing those two letters.

    Ralts had never seen this attack before, so [she] continued on with his plan.
    ~ I believe Ralts is male.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    A few moments of ]silence, peace, passed] - neither of the two had fallen; neither had wanted to surrender.
    ~ Another confusing sentence because those words don’t make sense in that order, I believe you need ‘and’ between silence and peace to make the sentence work..

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The [g]host type's Shadow Ball began to decrease in size, the glowing dark aura fading, which undoubtedly meant the globule was weakening in terms of power.
    ~ I mentioned before, you need to have type capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    She sneered, stared, glared, and scowled furiously at the foe.
    ~ You don’t need to put all these emotions on the Pokemon like this, one is sufficient.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Yes, I'm sure of it. When I encountered Archie, he was with about a dozen others, though a few of them were Lairons." [h]e nodded with an ascertain look plastered on his face.
    ~ Since the sentence is not a continuation of the dialogue and you have a period ‘he’ needs to be capitalized.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    From where they were currently standing, the innumerable rays of sunlight still shot into the darkness, lighting their path for around some few meters.
    ~ You do not need both around and some.

    Those are the type of problems I spotted throughout the story. Be sure to go back and catch others just like these. Be especially careful of confusing or vague sentence as I found a few in your story. For these many Pokemon and for those of this rank you are going to want to go back and make sure you’ve caught as many mistakes as possible.


    Length: Completed


    Battle: Okay, you had essential three battles in the story and I don’t wish to cover them all so I’m just going to cover what is relevant. Your battles were really good. I was pleasantly surprised of how well they were done. Combined with the description of Pokemon and Pokemon attacks your battles were the strongest part of the story. You didn’t just tell the reader what happened you showed the reader in amazing detail of what was happening and how the Pokemon reacted and felt with each attack.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    The Gas Pokemon cringed, the power of the electric currents was seeping into his gaseous body. Strika concentrated, making sure the coils of electricity were kept binding the opponent tightly. The ghost type's Shadow Ball began to decrease in size, the glowing dark aura fading, which undoubtedly meant the globule was weakening in terms of power. He realized this soon enough, with one last bit of effort before the paralysis took its toll, he released the frail spheroid just as the Zebstrika's eyelids drooped, the scroll of Thunder Wave falling - dissipating into thin air
    ~ This was described beautifully and practically all your attacks had description like these. This made your battles seems alive and more in-depth than usual Pokemon battles. Really done well.


    I only have a few negative things to say about your battles.

    First, in the middle of the battle between Gohs and Zebstrika you suddenly transition between the end of a move set to the end of the battle with no cue. You’ll need some to bridge that transition. like you did the first time when you talked about Ralts and Persain trading blows.

    I would have also liked to see you tackle how Pokemon abilities and the environment played into the battle.

    Finally, the battle with Aron was too one sided for what you had. You have to take into account that electric attacks will not do as much damage to Aron and that it is on hometurf, and in the perfect environment for it to unleash its attacks.


    Overall: I’m going to say: Aron and Ralts Captured with Gastly Not Captured. The reason I’m withholding Gastly is because of the weakened plot near the end and because of the grammatical errors. For this many mon and their rank you’ll going to need a solid plot, and your ending just didn’t provide that. So, fix/add plot lines and fix your grammar errors to get all the mon.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 26th June 2011 at 11:32 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •