[STORY DEAL] Remembering (Ready for Grading)

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    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
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    Default [STORY DEAL] Remembering (Ready for Grading)

    Hi everyone! Here is my second story (third if you count the WIP), and it is a story deal. Enjoy!

    ---------------
    REMEMBERING
    By MuddyMudkip
    ---------------

    Twelve year-old Julie Gomez, clad in a violet jacket with a orange shirt underneath and blue jeans, was never one to be stressed about Pokemon, or about anything, for that matter. She had ways to twist her monochronic schedule such that she could, and would, accomplish everything needed. She had such a calm nature, and aside from that, she was always alert and ready for anything... But, that was before--her past. This day, this whole week, has broken that amazing streak, just this one time.

    It was on this crisp, cool autumn afternoon, with her blond hair slightly frizzed up in the breeze, that her mind was tired, hurting, not working like a charm. In short, it was stressed. It had been at least two or three weeks since Julie had started her Pokemon journey. She had been thinking about her third Pokemon for a good while now, a few days at most, and it had been bothering her on what creature she should--or at least could--try to get. Her first two Pokemon had been easily obtained, she remembered, as she leaned on a big elm tree for support after walking for miles. Yesterday, she had lost in her third Pokemon contest, so now she was depressed as well. In her first contest, she had won by a mere block of yellow on the bar, while on her second, she really did deserve it.

    A water and fire type, a Staryu and Growlithe respectively, constituted Julie's current Pokemon team. She let out a deep sigh. Forming a good, or at least decent enough, trainer team--for Pokemon contests--was indeed tough. Her brain had been filled with thoughts of grass types, seeing as her party could use one, since yesterday. Getting a grass-typed Pokemon, in Julie's opinion, would be great as it would complete the triangle of fire, water and grass. And by that time, she would be able to focus on other types.

    A lot of people would think that deciding on one grass type was not such a big idea. Oh, but for Julie they were. Most grass types were great in contests. They had beautiful, cool, and cute moves that would send a coordinator's points soaring high. Not only that, but their movepool was, overall, effective and real useful in battle--contest battles or not. Thus, that was exactly the problem. Julie needed a grass Pokemon that would be outstanding in contests, especially since she had lost her last one. But, there were quite a number of Pokemon she could choose from that would do great in contests.

    Resting her head on the elm tree as she sat down, her mind began to wander off, thinking about the past. She thought about her past contests, her family, her friends, her new rival--a guy named Eyan... Then, eventually, her brain drifted to her Pokemon. She remembered the days she encountered the two. Staryu had been her first Pokemon, a gift from her parents on her twelveth birthday, which coincidentally was the day before her adventure started.

    ***FLASHBACK (in Julie's POV)***
    "Happy Birthday, Julie!" my parents greeted as I opened my eyes to an awakening and glorious day. I do not know for how long they had been standing there, just at the foot of my over-sized, but comfy, bed. But as long as they remembered my birthday, and that I would start my coordinator journey the following day, it did not really matter--as nothing else did seem to matter now.

    I quickly jumped out of bed, eager to have fun on this glorious day. I charged into the bathroom with my day-time clothes in hand, my feet slapping loudly against the wooden floor as I hurried. In a few moments time, I emerged wearing a red tank top along with my blue jogging pants. Then, without a second's thought, I raced down the stairs to get some food as my parents had told me that a meal had been prepared. It was the breakfast my mom always cooked so deliciously whenever it was my--or anyone's--special day. It was not always that she would cook the same breakfast, but the tastes of the various dishes on special occasions were magnificent - all the same;they would make my mouth water.

    My face lit up with glee as I gazed at the dish prepared before me. My nose had been twitching, sniffing, as I had begun to smell breakfast when I had reached the bottom of the staircase. My favorite big breakfast, right then and there, was fried rice and bacon;along with a sunny side-up egg, and--ooh--pancakes! They were all right there, ready to be devoured blissfully, like they were calling to me.

    I have been known for my appetite as well as being able to stay fit and just slightly slim after eating a lot. But, that's just because I exercise on a regular basis, and never--if I remember correctly--once in my whole twelve years of life have I eaten much too many, nor have I eaten just a tidbit of food.

    And so, when my parents finally came down after what seemed like eternity, but was really just a few minutes, we all sat down at the table to eat. Mother had asked whether I wanted juice or milk. I really like drinking both of them, especially if the flavors were orange for the juice, and as for the milk, chocolate was simply delicious.

    "Um.. both?" I had answered, more of asking, really. And, would you believe it, she nodded! Oh, it was my happy day… An incredibly happy day…

    "Choco and orange, dear?" Splendid, just splendid. I accepted her offer immediately. So, there, I had my two favorite drinks, and my favorite breakfast set out right before me. I would always remember this awesome birthday throughout my entire life--especially during my adventures, of course.

    I decided on tackling the rice and bacon first, with some bits of egg. It was as palatable as ever. After that, my orange juice was three-fourths of the way gulped down and overwith. I had eaten one and a half pieces of pancake, then. And my mother ate the same amount--weird, huh? My liquid meal was devoured quickly after that.

    "Wow, Julie!" my father exclaimed in surprise, laughing afterwards. "You have worked up quite an appetite! Now, I bet you want to open up your presents this moment, don't you?", I nodded as he continued, "Well, they are in the living room."

    Gifts, my favorite part! Wait a minute..!.. He did say "presents", did e not? With an "s"--meaning plural..? Awesomeness! For once in my twelve years of life, I have more than one gift on my birthday! Yes, you may as well call me childish.

    I swiftly skipped away to our living room after sliding off my seat and gulping down a glass of water. As I entered the room, my hazel brown eyes scanned the entire place in a few glances.

    Almost everything was perfectly the same--the dark brown walls; the glass windows with silver panes; the carpeted white tiles on the floor; the black LCD television at one corner along with the cream--colored couch some inches in front of it. The only difference today was that there were four colorfully wrapped presents on the sofa.

    "This one is from your Aunt Christine. You know, my sister--Christine Lavandar. She works at a PokeMart," my mother had said, after she sat down with me, as she picked up a box wrapped in a violetish-lavendar colored paper.

    "How ironic for the wrapping paper to be colored lavendar, don't you think, mom?" I asked as I gratefully took the package and began tearing and opening promptly. The container held two Pokeballs, one Greatball, along with two bottles of Potion.

    "Well, her favorite color is lavendar, afterall." My mother nodded in approval at the set my Aunt had given me. She, then, picked up another gift. This one was wrapped in green, with a red ribbon tied around it, coming out with a bow on the top. "Here is a gift from Uncle Stan Gomez. Your father's brother. He works at a factory now."

    After untying the ribbon, I, once again, tore open the present. In the box was a red backpack with four zippers--in other words, four differing "pockets". One was for a big part that could easily fit one or two books with a some other things. Two other zippers led to small packs, one at each side of the bag. They would be big enough to hold a few Pokeballs, or a potion--just barely. And the last one was at the very frontmost part of the backpack, which was about three-quarters as big as the bigger part.

    Just then, as mom was about to give me another gift, we both noticed a brown envelope, hidden between the two presents. As she took it, I read the words written in black ink.

    "To: Julie Gomez

    Happy Twelfth Birthday!

    From: Your best friend, Rachel Wright"

    In the envelope was a yellow birthday card, orange on the inside, and a greeting was written in blue.

    "Hi Julie!

    Happy Happy Brithday!

    I was not sure of what to get you, so I put in money instead. It is 500 Pokedollars in cash. It is not much, but I am quite sure it is enough for now. Besides, you will surely earn some cash on your journey. So, good luck! May you have a fun time participating in contests!

    Sincerely Yours, Rachel"

    "Well, ain't that handy? Rachel's real good to you, Julie," mother said after I read the letter out loud.

    "Yeah. As always, she's not using apostrophes. Typical of her, always the... uh, never mind. Oh, and there is a postscript," I replied. I scanned the little note, then read it out to my mother. "Listen to this; By the way, Julie, you should know that my older brother--Eyan Wright--is also a coordinator. He started about less than a year ago--six months at the very least. Watch out for him, I bet you two could be rivals. He is thirteen years old… Isn't that great, mom? A rival, but, maybe, still a friend?"

    "Yes, that would be very nice, honey. Now, time for my gift," she answered, smiling as she produced another present--this one was wrapped in blue with yellow stars scattered over it.

    "Thanks mom!" When I opened my gift, I could not believe my eyes. I had three new sets of clothes! Not only that, I also had gotten a violet cotton jacket, and one thousand dollars in cash. My eyes were shining brightly, happily.

    The last gift was definitely not the least. It was from my father, and it was just as good as what mom gave me. He had wrapped it in red and white paper, with various Pokemon pictures printed on it. The box contained a Pokeball, a new pair of white sneakers, and five hundred more Pokedollars. I carefully and delicately took out the small ball, and asked, "Is this...?" My mother nodded, and I could not have been happier. I quickly threw the ball right in front of me.

    After the white light dispersed, a figure began to take shape in the form of a star. It was a sea star-like Pokemon with five points that were colored tan brown. At the center of its front was a gold formation. And at the very center of its body was an exterior organ that resembled a red jewel. I remembered that many people call this red circle the entity's "core". There was also a gold loop around its bottom-left point. I recognized this creature as a Staryu, a water type called the Star Shape Pokemon.

    At first, a small disappointed frown crept into my mouth, as I thought the creature would not really be able to communicate with me. Suddenly, though, as if it had read my mind, the Pokemon muttered a few words. "Star-yu-star!" it screamed, I think... I do not know where the sound of its voice came from, but I thought it very nice that it could talk... somehow. And this was the day I received my first Pokemon, a Staryu I named Cody.
    ***END FLASHBACK***

    "YU!-STAR!-STAR!" a star-shaped Pokemon exclaimed and shouted loudly as he sprayed a blast of water at the dreaming girl. He gathered energy once more, and a stream of orange bubbles shot out from his glowing core. A teenage boy, dressed in olive-colored jogging pants and a cerulean top, laughed heartily as his rival, who was in front of him, slowly began to open her eyes to show her hazel brown pupils.

    "Who?! What?! When?! Where?! Why?!..." Julie asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head as she flailed and thrashed about. As she gazed upwards, she came face to face with her oh-so-"friendly" rival. "Ugh... What are you doing here?"

    "Well, you should actually be grateful that I'm here, you know," he replied as he rolled his eyes, holding up a finger as she tried to object. "Your little Cody was found, by yours truly, about a kilometer away from here. If it wasn't for me, that Staryu would have been who knows where, and doing who knows what!"

    "Oh... Thanks..." she said meekly with her head down. She could not retort to what he had said, could she? Not when he had presumably saved her beloved starter Pokemon... And that was when she noticed her water Pokemon. "How in the world ddi you get out of your Pokeball, anyway?" Of course, she did not get a ''real'' answer as the creature had only responded with, "Star..."

    "Ugh..." she muttered again, then faced both Eyan and Cody. "Okay, so, why did you wake me up, anyhow?"

    "'Cause you were sleeping... Besides, I could not possibly let the lil fellow walk away again now, could I?"

    "Well, now that you mention it, no. BUT! I wasn't sleepin', I was just having some flashbacks... About the time I met Cody and my Growlithe..." she sighed happily, remembering those unforgettable days.

    "Hmm.. Cool, I suppose. Let's take a walk, 'kay? Then you can tell me all about the time you caught your fire type," Eyan suggested as he straightened his long-sleeved green shirt and helped Julie up from her ''dreaming'' place.

    They walked a little, then Julie began storytelling as the air got cooler and the sun started to be giving off less heat. She insisted that he knew the story already, but, nevertheless, she told it.

    "Well, it all started a few days--maybe a week--after I started my journey... The weather was okay, quite cool, but not that I would have to wear a sweater like this," she began, emphasizing the jacket she wore. "I was starting to get used to my Staryu and his attacks at that point in time."

    It had been training time for Julie and Cody as they walked along a wide grassy plain. The grasses themselves were not extremely tall, but big enough to cover some smaller specimens of Pokemon. They could confront you at any time, who knows what they may be or when they may spring out... You would not even know if you would be meeting a rare one, or what their intentions may be... All you had to do was be alert and on the look-out. And that was exactly what Julie and Cody were doing. They wanted to train, Julie had wished to test her Pokemon's power, and, if ever possible, get another Pokemon for her team.

    She was assuming they would find grass-typed creatures in this area, and even though Cody was weak against them, they would still battle, no matter what. Now, on this particular day, two Pokemon had blocked their path... This first creature was, as predicted, a grass type. It looked like a blue plant bulb with round feet. Beady red eyes, and five leaves also sprouted from its head.

    Julie recognized this creature as an Oddish, and she knew water-typed attacks would not be very effective against them. Thus, she had resulted to using Swift. The gem at the center of Cody's body glowed brightly, and multiple white stars kept on firing out at the opponent. It, in turn, emitted a red beam from the top of its head which only barely made it to Cody. The red streak drained some energy and health from the Staryu, and returned fifty percent of the damage dealt back to the Weed Pokemon as health.
    Before long, with dozens of stars clashing with more beams of Absorbing light, the Oddish was soon pushed back to the grass, lying on its back. In Cody's case, he was still pretty stable, but his health was less than half of full health. Slowly, the Oddish began to stand up. As it did this, it began to draw in some energy, releasing a green health-zapping streak this time. She knew this was the move Mega Drain, a more powerful version of the move Absorb, and that they had to act quickly.

    "Cody, use Bubblebeam to eliminate those health-draining streams! Then, follow up with Rapid Spin!" Julie had ordered. The Staryu obliged, gathering power for his core. The center began glowing orange, and a barrage of orange bubbles soon shot out. This beam of bubbles collided with the green drains, causing both of them to vanish, leaving some smoke in the air. The Star Shape Pokemon began to twist and turn, gaining enough force to lift itself from the ground. He kept on with the twirling, propelling himself to the Oddish, while still keeping close to the ground. Rapidly, and without the Weed Pokemon expecting it, Cody spun and flung himself at the grass type, causing a knock-out.

    Julie praised him graciously for this, and gave him a little hug. Rummaging through the frontmost pocket of her red backpack, she found what she, actually, Cody, needed. It was a red-colored bottle, with a top colored in a shade of yellow. The hole for releasing the medicine was red in color as well, while there was a Pokemon symbol on the side of the top--it looked like a Pokeball. Gently, Julie sprayed the Super Potion's contents onto the Staryu, healing him by fifty hit points immediately.

    Soon, another wild Pokemon sprang out at Julie and Cody. This entity was not what she had expected...it was not a grass-typed Pokemon...instead, it was of fiery descent. It had bright orange fur with black stripes slashing across it, and resembled a puppy. Its belly, tail, and fluff on top of its head were a cream color. The creature had two claws on its forefeet, while its paw pads were the shade of brown.

    "The Growlithe, as I had recognized almost immediately, seemed to be playful and jolly. She bounded up to us and raised a paw, then growled as if in battle. She leaped into the air, and spun around into a battle stance. I knew from that moment onwards, I would enjoy the company of this Pokemon... I, obviously, decided to catch her," Julie continued, a smile beginning to dawn on her face as they walked along.

    ''Cody, Water Gun, quickly!'' Julie had commanded as the Growlithe opened her mouth and began to release some flames of fire. A spiral of water blasted out from the tip of his uppermost limb, which collided with the Ember, ruining the flames quickly. The remaining splashes of water managed to pour onto the fire type, doing a reasonable amount of damage.

    Again, the opponent began to gather energy, and started to throw out more flames, but this time, it was in a spiral-like motion as well as being more powerful. Julie reacted quickly, letting her Pokemon spin rapidly and Harden itself at the same time to be able to dodge and take little damage from the attack. The water type then released a barrage of yellow-colored stars right in the face of the Puppy Pokemon, who was caught of guard by the close-ranged attack. She growled indignantly and immediately opened her nuzzle and chomped down hard at the Star Shape Pokemon. Both Pokemon yowled in pain; Staryu because the Bite attack was done with much strength and anger, Growlithe because the effect of Harden had only just began to wear off. She did not really take any damage that turn, though her teeth hurt, while Cody, on the other hand, had still gotten quite heavily damaged. The fiery feline jumped back this time, and she seemed to be planning her next move.

    Staryu looked back at his trainer for orders. "Hmm.. Bubblebeam! Full Power!" He roared fiercely in agreement, beginning to focus his energy into the core. The Growlithe seemed to have heard this attack issued as she ''came to her senses'' and soared into the air for preparation of her attack. Her body began to glow, then the orangy light soon turned into flames. She began rolling rapidly at Cody, who, in turn, had just began to shoot out a blast of orange-colored bubbles from his core. This stream of bubbles collided with the Growlithe as she came along, dealing some nasty damage. The fire type did not stop spinning, so the bubbles kept on coming from the Star Shape Pokemon...

    And then a collision! BAM! The two had collided into each other, and both had been thrown backwards. When the dust and smoke cleared, Julie was ready with two Pokeballs. One was for Cody, and the other for the wild Pokemon.

    "With my left hand, I recalled my Staryu to its ball. With my right arm--and hand, I threw the empty Pokeball to the Growlithe. It had shaken once, twice, then three times. The ending is surely unquestionable, and you know it, Eyan Wright," Julie finally concluded, ending her story with a little bow. At first, she thought Eyan would criticize her or do something of that sort, but he did not. He actually clapped and nodded admiringly--well, sort of.

    "Good job telling the story, Julie. I must admit, I was ever so slightly impressed," Eyan told her with a small laugh as she scowled indignantly. "And of course I knew you caught Growlithe--the one you named Ellie. I would be pretty stupid and idiotic to say you didn't catch her, wouldn't I? I'm not an idiot, that's a fact!"

    And together, the two young coordinators continued walking, to a nearby PokeCenter where they would stay and rest for the night. The sun had already began to set, and the sea at the east side of the region glowed yellow and orange... The body of water had numerous waves flowing calmly in the cool season, the gulls were flying back to their nests as the night brewed in, the wind blew faster and stronger... It was getting colder, and snow began to fall just as Eyan and Julie arrived at the door of the PokeCenter. A lighthouse guided the rest of the sea ships into safety, giving light of this cold day.

    Young Julie Gomez may have not fulfilled her goal of catching a grass type;not today, at least. Her rival, Eyan Wright, may have three Pokemon--and counting--on his team already, but now was not the time for Julie's third team member. That would be for another day, another time, another joyous occasion, which would be only one of the numerous events that were to come...

    ***THE~END***

    Pokemon Attempting to Capture: Staryu
    Level of Difficulty: Hard (20K or more)
    Total Number of Characters (with Title and "The End"): 21, 898
    Total Number of Characters (without Title and "The End"): 21, 823
    Total Number of Characters (with Title only): 21, 883
    Story Deal: Staryu is for Gmandiddy

    ...I actually don't like cutting it close--not that close, at least. So I'd really like some comments 'n' all that....
    Last edited by MuddyMudkip; 2nd February 2011 at 04:18 AM.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
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    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

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    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
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    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] Remembering

    To the first page you go! Actually, this post marks the day of the completion of Remembering. Okay, fine, I just did some editing, but I still count it as having completed it now.

    Timestamp:
    REMEMBERING IS COMPLETE -- FEB. 2, 2011.
    Last edited by MuddyMudkip; 2nd February 2011 at 04:13 AM.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  3. #3
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] Remembering (Ready for Grading)

    Introduction: This story has an introduction for sure. I don’t really feel much from it though, mostly because it is chock full of description. Focusing all of that description into one sentence which introduces a main character is sort of overkill. Especially as an introduction, a major component to the story.

    Without most of the detail though, it’s a very nice intro in my opinion. It shows the main character, and gives a fact about them. That, in my mind, is a type of introduction on my good side.

    What could happen to the detail though? Well you could spread it out to other parts of the story, or give it all its own sentence.

    Plot: This story is mainly a flashback of the time Julie began her adventure, then two Wild Pokémon encounters. Both of them are told in Julie's story. Soon after, a little more dialogue happens, and the story wraps up. This plot is not bad, but not really original either.

    The flasback was really an original part, because it changed the POV from first to third person. However, most of the story was, other than the aforementioned flasback, another 'story', which was also told from Julie's POV with a third and first person mix. It's not really that bad though, so don't worry about this much.

    Description: To be honest, I feel that you did enough description, but didn’t balance it out enough. Like I said in the ‘introduction’ section, you filled the first sentence with description. Besides this though, you're pretty good in this category.

    Reality: I don't really feel some things are exactly aligned with real world mechanics and/or the Pokémon world's. One example is that you said Staryu "healed by fifty points". While it is what a Super Potion does, you have to remember that Health Points themselves are a game-only mechanic that wouldn't apply in a real Pokémon World situation. After all, animals don't really have 'hit points' in this world do they?

    Grammar/Spelling: There were some errors in your story, and many seemed like typos to me though. Therefore, I'm only going to note those who didn't seem like typos:

    A recurring error I saw is that you started sentences with the FANBOYS conjunctions. Watch out for these words: nor, and, but, for, so, yet, (and) or. These are the seven FANBOYS conjunctions, and most commonly are misused in this way. However, using them while speaking is perfectly fine. After all, not everyone speaks with perfect grammar.

    Another one I saw was that you didn't put a space between a semicolon and the word after it. Since a semicolon is considered a form of punctuation, a space is required right after it. Still, it's not that much of a big deal.

    I would also like to say here that the word you spelled as 'afterall' is actually two words, spelled 'after all'. Nothing major though.

    Characterization: I'll just put most emphasis on one character here. The rest will just be jumbled up in the next part.

    Julie Gomez is the main character of this story. She is twelve years old, and started her journey when she turned twelve, meaning it hasn't been so long. She is really aiming for capturing any Grass-type We know what she was wearing and that she likes pancakes, chocolate milk, and orange juice. We know that she sometimes focuses on plurals, and that she really likes to eat. I could go on, but the point has been made clear: we know a lot about her.

    Then there's the other characters. We honestly don't know much about many of them. Her parents, for example. We basically have no idea what they look like. Then there is Julie's friend. She does not like using contractions and has a brother, that's basically all we know. Her brother though, along with some other characters, do have some description however, so I can't call you out on this too much.

    Dialogue: A bunch of dialogue comes in this story, and that's okay with all of the characters. The only part not full of a large amount of dialogue is the story told by Julie, but that's because it's a battle scene against a wild Pokémon. Therefore, not much is to be said in this category.

    Formatting: This story was honestly hard to read at some points, due to the size of some paragraphs. Be careful to not make really big paragraphs, or else a reader might stop reading. After all, ease of reading is a major factor in finishing a story. They could accidentally skip lines, missing many of the words in the story. A note though, generally a rule of thumb is to only have one line of dialogue per paragraph.

    Also, please remember to double space between paragraphs, that also helps stories to be read more easily.

    Battle: The only battles in this story were Wild Pokémon encounters. Not anything bad about that though.

    Some things in the battle scene I was sort of skeptical about. Such as, how did Mega Drain and Bubblebeam collide? Mega Drain is a move that can be performed in many different ways. Sometimes, it's done by biting (like which has been done by Golbat). Others, it could be a tornado-like suction of sorts. Lack of description here is my main reason of pointing this out. Inferring can only go to a certain extent after all.

    Other than this though, you're good. Don't feel discouraged either though, because the battles usually don't mean much.

    Length: You’re at almost 22,000 characters here, not counting the title nor the two flashback notes. That’s good enough for capturing a hard category Pokémon like Staryu.

    Outcome: Incredibly sorry, but I’m going to have to say Staryu is not captured. The story is almost there, but not fully there to be enough for a hard capture. Grammar was not that bad, but not everything else was good enough for capturing something in this category either. It was mostly formatting and the introduction that got you here.

    Feel free to make improvements, and I’ll grade your story again gladly. A final note now, you aren't very far from capturing Staryu, just a little short from it, that's all.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

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    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
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    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] Remembering (Ready for Grading)

    Alright... Here's the revised edition of Remembering...

    ---------------
    REMEMBERING
    By MuddyMudkip
    ---------------

    Twelve year-old Julie Gomez was never one to be stressed about Pokemon, or about anything, for that matter. She had ways to twist her monochronic schedule such that she could, and would, accomplish everything needed. She had such a calm nature, and aside from that, she was always alert and ready for anything, but, that was before--her past... This day, this whole week, has broken that amazing streak, just this one time.


    It was on this crisp, cool autumn afternoon, with her blond hair slightly frizzed up in the breeze, that her mind was tired, hurting, not working like a charm. In short, it was stressed. It had been at least two or three weeks since Julie had started her Pokemon journey. She had been thinking about her third Pokemon for a good while now, a few days at most, and it had been bothering her on what creature she should--or at least could--try to get. Her first two Pokemon had been easily obtained, she remembered, as she leaned on a big elm tree for support after walking for miles. Yesterday, she had lost in her third Pokemon contest, so now she was depressed as well. In her first contest, she had won by a mere block of yellow on the bar, while on her second, she really did deserve it.


    A water and fire type, a Staryu and Growlithe respectively, constituted Julie's current Pokemon team. She let out a deep sigh. Forming a good, or at least decent enough, trainer team--for Pokemon contests--was indeed tough. Her brain had been filled with thoughts of grass types, seeing as her party could use one, since yesterday. Getting a grass-typed Pokemon, in Julie's opinion, would be great as it would complete the triangle of fire, water and grass. And by that time, she would be able to focus on other types.


    A lot of people would think that deciding on one grass type was not such a big idea. Oh, but for Julie they were. Most grass types were great in contests. They had beautiful, cool, and cute moves that would send a coordinator's points soaring high. Not only that, but their movepool was, overall, effective and real useful in battle--contest battles or not. Thus, that was exactly the problem. Julie needed a grass Pokemon that would be outstanding in contests, especially since she had lost her last one. But, there were quite a number of Pokemon she could choose from that would do great in contests.


    She rested her head on the elm tree as she sat down, the rough bark of the tree just barely missing the chance to rip her violet jacket, while her blue jeans brushed against the soft grassy ground. She zipped up her jacket, the top-most part of her orange shirt just barely sticking out.


    Her mind began to wander off, thinking about the past. She thought about her past contests, her family, her friends, her new rival--a guy named Eyan... Then, eventually, her brain drifted to her Pokemon. She remembered the days she encountered the two. Staryu had been her first Pokemon, a gift from her parents on her twelfth birthday, which coincidentally was the day before her adventure started.


    ***FLASHBACK (in Julie's POV)***

    "Happy Birthday, Julie!" my parents greeted as I opened my eyes to an awakening and glorious day. I took a moment to scan my surroundings, my parents' words barely registering in my brain; my mother had her reddish-blond hair all braided up while my father had his light brown hair neatly combed; both adults had twinkling blue eyes as well as a wide smile cast on their faces. Then, realization kicked in...


    I do not know for how long they had been standing there, just at the foot of my over-sized, but comfy, bed. But as long as they remembered my birthday, and that I would start my coordinator journey the following day, it did not really matter-as nothing else did seem to matter now.


    I quickly jumped out of bed, eager to have fun on this glorious day. I charged into the bathroom with my day-time clothes in hand, my feet slapping loudly against the wooden floor as I hurried. In a few moments time, I emerged wearing a red tank top along with my blue jogging pants. I noticed mom and dad wearing red-colored shirts, and while dad wore black jeans, mother wore shorts shaded cream. Then, without a second's thought, I raced down the stairs to get some food as my parents had told me that a meal had been prepared.


    It was the breakfast my mom always cooked so deliciously whenever it was my-or anyone's-special day. It was not always that she would cook the same breakfast, but the tastes of the various dishes on special occasions were magnificent - all the same; they would make my mouth water.


    My face lit up with glee as I gazed at the dish prepared before me. My nose had been twitching, sniffing, as I had begun to smell breakfast when I had reached the bottom of the staircase. My favorite big breakfast, right then and there, was fried rice and bacon; along with a sunny side-up egg, and--ooh--pancakes! They were all right there, ready to be devoured blissfully, like they were calling to me.


    I have been known for my appetite as well as being able to stay fit and just slightly slim after eating a lot. But, that's just because I exercise on a regular basis, and never--if I remember correctly--once in my whole twelve years of life have I eaten much too many, nor have I eaten just a tidbit of food.


    And so, when my parents finally came down after what seemed like eternity, but was really just a few minutes, we all sat down at the table to eat. Mother had asked whether I wanted juice or milk. I really like drinking both of them, especially if the flavors were orange for the juice, and as for the milk, chocolate was simply delicious.


    "Um.. both?" I had answered, more of asking, really. And, would you believe it, she nodded! Oh, it was my happy day… An incredibly happy day…


    "Choco and orange, dear?" Splendid, just splendid. I accepted her offer immediately. So, there, I had my two favorite drinks, and my favorite breakfast set out right before me. I would always remember this awesome birthday throughout my entire life--especially during my adventures, of course.


    I decided on tackling the rice and bacon first, with some bits of egg. It was as palatable as ever. After that, my orange juice was three-fourths of the way gulped down and over with. I had eaten one and a half pieces of pancake, then. And my mother ate the same amount--weird, huh? My liquid meal was devoured quickly after that.


    "Wow, Julie!" my father exclaimed in "surprise", laughing after wards. "You have worked up quite an appetite! Now, I bet you want to open up your presents this moment, don't you?", I nodded as he continued, "Well, they are in the living room."


    Gifts, my favorite part! Wait a minute..!.. He did say "presents", did he not? With an "s"-meaning plural..? Awesomeness! For once in my twelve years of life, I have more than one gift on my birthday! Yes, you may as well call me childish.


    I swiftly skipped away to our living room after sliding off my seat and gulping down a glass of water. As I entered the room, my hazel brown eyes scanned the entire place in a few glances.


    Almost everything was perfectly the same--the dark brown walls; the glass windows with silver panes; the carpeted white tiles on the floor; the black LCD television at one corner along with the cream-colored couch some inches in front of it. The only difference today was that there were four colorfully wrapped presents on the sofa.


    "This one is from your Aunt Christine. You know, my sister--Christine Lavandar. She works at a PokeMart," my mother had said, after she sat down with me, as she picked up a box wrapped in a violetish-lavender colored paper.


    "How ironic for the wrapping paper to be colored lavender, don't you think, mom?" I asked as I gratefully took the package and began tearing and opening promptly. The container held two Pokeballs, one Greatball, along with two bottles of Potion.


    "Well, her favorite color is lavender, after all." My mother nodded in approval at the set my Aunt had given me. She, then, picked up another gift. This one was wrapped in green, with a red ribbon tied around it, coming out with a bow on the top. "Here is a gift from Uncle Stan Gomez. Your father's brother. He works at a factory now."


    After untying the ribbon, I, once again, tore open the present. In the box was a red backpack with four zippers-in other words, four differing "pockets". One was for a big part that could easily fit one or two books with a some other things. Two other zippers led to small packs, one at each side of the bag. They would be big enough to hold a few Pokeballs, or a potion-just barely. And the last one was at the very frontmost part of the backpack, which was about three-quarters as big as the bigger part.


    Just then, as mom was about to give me another gift, we both noticed a brown envelope, hidden between the two presents. As she took it, I read the words written in black ink.


    "To: Julie Gomez

    Happy Twelfth Birthday!

    From: Your best friend, Rachel Wright"

    In the envelope was a yellow birthday card, orange on the inside, and a greeting was written in blue.

    "Hi Julie!

    Happy Happy Birthday!

    I was not sure of what to get you, so I put in money instead. It is 500 Pokedollars in cash. It is not much, but I am quite sure it is enough for now. Besides, you will surely earn some cash on your journey. So, good luck! May you have a fun time participating in contests!

    Yours Truly, Rachel"


    "Well, ain't that handy? Rachel's real good to you, Julie," mother said after I read the letter out loud.


    "Yeah. As always, she's not using apostrophes. Typical of her, always the... uh, never mind. Oh, and there is a postscript," I replied. I scanned the little note, then read it out to my mother. "Listen to this; By the way, Julie, you should know that my older brother-Eyan Wright-is also a coordinator. He started about less than a year ago-six months at the very least. Watch out for him, I bet you two could be rivals. He is thirteen years old… Isn't that great, mom? A rival, but, maybe, still a friend?"


    "Yes, that would be very nice, honey. Now, time for my gift," she answered, smiling as she produced another present-this one was wrapped in blue with yellow stars scattered over it.


    "Thanks mom!" When I opened my gift, I could not believe my eyes. I had three new sets of clothes! Not only that, I also had gotten a violet cotton jacket, and one thousand dollars in cash. My eyes were shining brightly, happily.


    The last gift was definitely not the least. It was from my father, and it was just as good as what mom gave me. He had wrapped it in red and white paper, with various Pokemon pictures printed on it. The box contained a Pokeball, a new pair of white sneakers, and five hundred more Poke dollars. I carefully and delicately took out the small ball, and asked, "Is this...?" My mother nodded, and I could not have been happier. I quickly threw the ball right in front of me.


    After the white light dispersed, a figure began to take shape in the form of a star. It was a sea star-like Pokemon with five points that were colored tan brown. At the center of its front was a gold formation. And at the very center of its body was an exterior organ that resembled a red jewel. I remembered that many people call this red circle the entity's "core". There was also a gold loop around its bottom-left point. I recognized this creature as a Staryu, a water type called the Star Shape Pokemon.


    At first, a small disappointed frown crept into my mouth, as I thought the creature would not really be able to communicate with me. Suddenly, though, as if it had read my mind, the Pokemon muttered a few words. "Star-yu-star!" it screamed, I think... I do not know where the sound of its voice came from, but I thought it very nice that it could talk... somehow. And this was the day I received my first Pokemon, a Staryu I named Cody.
    ***END FLASHBACK***



    "YU!-STAR!-STAR!" a star-shaped Pokemon exclaimed and shouted loudly as he sprayed a blast of water at the dreaming girl. He gathered energy once more, and a stream of orange bubbles shot out from his glowing core. A teenage boy, dressed in olive-colored jogging pants and a cerulean top, laughed heartily as his rival in front of him slowly began to open her eyes to show her hazel brown pupils.


    "Who? What? When? Where? Why?..." Julie asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes and shaking her head. As she gazed upwards, she came face to face with her oh-so "friendly" rival. "Ugh... What are you doing here?"


    "Well, you should actually be grateful that I'm here, you know," he replied as he rolled his eyes, holding up a finger as she tried to object. "Your little Cody was found, by yours truly, about a kilometer away from here. If it wasn't for me, that Staryu would have been who knows where, and doing who knows what!"


    "Oh... Thanks..." she said meekly with her head down. She could not retort to what he had said, could she? Not when he had presumably saved her beloved starter Pokemon... And that was when she noticed her water Pokemon. "How in the world ddi you get out of your Pokeball, anyway?" Of course, she did not get a ''real'' answer as the creature had only responded with, "Star..."


    "Ugh..." she muttered again, then faced both Eyan and Cody. "Okay, so, why did you wake me up, anyhow?"


    "'Cause you were sleeping... Besides, I could not possibly let the lil fellow walk away again now, could I?"


    "Well, now that you mention it, no. BUT! I wasn't sleepin', I was just having some flashbacks... About the time I met Cody and my Growlithe..." she sighed happily, remembering those unforgettable days.


    "Hmm.. Cool, I suppose. Let's take a walk, 'kay? Then you can tell me all about the time you caught your fire type," Eyan suggested as he straightened his long-sleeved green shirt and helped Julie up from her ''dreaming'' place.


    They walked a little, then Julie began storytelling as the air got cooler and the sun started to be giving off less heat. She insisted that he knew the story already, but, nevertheless, she told it.


    "Well, it all started a few days-maybe a week-after I started my journey... The weather was okay, quite cool, but not that I would have to wear a sweater like this," she began, emphasizing the jacket she wore. "I was starting to get used to my Staryu and his attacks at that point in time."


    It had been training time for Julie and Cody as they walked along a wide grassy plain. The grasses themselves were not extremely tall, but big enough to cover some smaller specimens of Pokemon. They could confront you at any time, who knows what they may be or when they may spring out... You would not even know if you would be meeting a rare one, or what their intentions may be... All you had to do was be alert and on the look-out. And that was exactly what Julie and Cody were doing. They wanted to train, Julie had wished to test her Pokemon's power, and, if ever possible, get another Pokemon for her team.


    She was assuming they would find grass-typed creatures in this area, and even though Cody was weak against them, they would still battle, no matter what. Now, on this particular day, two Pokemon had blocked their path... This first creature was, as predicted, a grass type. It looked like a blue plant bulb with round feet. Beady red eyes, and five leaves also sprouted from its head.


    Julie recognized this creature as an Oddish, and she knew water-typed attacks would not be very effective against them. Thus, she had resulted to using Swift. The gem at the center of Cody's body glowed brightly, and multiple white stars kept on firing out at the opponent. It, in turn, began charging at Cody with its whole body glowing red, but its top was reddest. The stars clashed with the body of the Weed Pokemon as it came closer and closer... Upon Julie's order, Cody shifted between Swift and Bubblebeam.


    And, boy, would you think the Oddish would fall? No he would not... Not at first, at least.


    Before long, with dozens of stars and orange bubbles colliding with more beams of Absorbing light, the Oddish was--just barely--pushed back to the grass, lying on its back. In Cody's case, he was still pretty stable, but his health was less than half of full health. Slowly, the Oddish began to stand up. As it did this, it began to draw in some energy, releasing a green health-zapping streak this time. Julie knew this was the move Mega Drain, a more powerful version of the move Absorb, and they had to act quickly.


    "Cody, use Bubblebeam to eliminate those health-draining streams! Then, follow up with Rapid Spin!" Julie had ordered. The Staryu obliged, gathering power for his core. The center began glowing orange, and a barrage of orange bubbles soon shot out. This beam of bubbles collided with the green drainers, causing both of them to vanish--except for a few streaks still headed towards the Staryu, leaving some smoke in the air.

    The Star Shape Pokemon then began to twist and turn, gaining enough force to lift itself from the ground. He kept on with the twirling, propelling himself to the Oddish and, practically, dodging the remaining beams of green, while still keeping close to the ground. Rapidly, and without the Weed Pokemon expecting it, Cody spun and flung himself at the grass type, causing a knock-out.


    Julie praised him graciously for this, and gave him a little hug. Rummaging through the front most pocket of her red backpack, she found what she, actually, Cody, needed. It was a red-colored bottle, with a top colored in a shade of yellow. The hole for releasing the medicine was red in color as well, while there was a Pokemon symbol on the side of the top-it looked like a Pokeball. Gently, Julie sprayed the Super Potion's contents onto the Staryu, healing him by much immediately.


    Soon, another wild Pokemon sprang out at Julie and Cody. This entity was not what she had expected...it was not a grass-typed Pokemon...instead, it was of fiery descent. It had bright orange fur with black stripes slashing across it, and resembled a puppy. Its belly, tail, and fluff on top of its head were a cream color. The creature had two claws on its forefeet, while its paw pads were the shade of brown.


    "The Growlithe, as I had recognized almost immediately, seemed to be playful and jolly. She bounded up to us and raised a paw, then growled as if in battle. She leaped into the air, and spun around into a battle stance. I knew from that moment onwards, I would enjoy the company of this Pokemon... I, obviously, decided to catch her," Julie continued, a smile beginning to dawn on her face as they walked along.


    ''Cody, Water Gun, quickly!'' Julie had commanded as the Growlithe opened her mouth and began to release some flames of fire. A spiral of water blasted out from the tip of his uppermost limb, which collided with the Ember, ruining the flames quickly. The remaining splashes of water managed to pour onto the fire type, doing a reasonable amount of damage.


    Again, the opponent began to gather energy, and started to throw out more flames, but this time, it was in a spiral-like motion as well as being more powerful. Julie reacted quickly, letting her Pokemon spin rapidly and Harden itself at the same time to be able to dodge and take little damage from the attack.


    The water type then released a barrage of yellow-colored stars right in the face of the Puppy Pokemon, who was caught of guard by the close-ranged attack. She growled indignantly and immediately opened her nuzzle and chomped down hard at the Star Shape Pokemon. Both Pokemon yowled in pain; Staryu because the Bite attack was done with much strength and anger, Growlithe because the effect of Harden had only just began to wear off. She did not really take any damage that turn, though her teeth hurt, while Cody, on the other hand, had still gotten quite heavily damaged.
    The fiery feline jumped back this time, and she seemed to be planning her next move.


    Staryu looked back at his trainer for orders. "Hmm.. Bubblebeam! Full Power!" He roared fiercely in agreement, beginning to focus his energy into the core. The Growlithe seemed to have heard this attack issued as she ''came to her senses'' and soared into the air for preparation of her attack. Her body began to glow, then the orangy light soon turned into flames. She began rolling rapidly at Cody, who, in turn, had just began to shoot out a blast of orange-colored bubbles from his core. This stream of bubbles collided with the Growlithe as she came along, dealing some nasty damage. The fire type did not stop spinning, so the bubbles kept on coming from the Star Shape Pokemon...


    And then a collision! BAM! The two had collided into each other, and both had been thrown backwards. When the dust and smoke cleared, Julie was ready with two Pokeballs. One was for Cody, and the other for the wild Pokemon.


    "With my left hand, I recalled my Staryu to its ball. With my right arm--and hand, I threw the empty Pokeball to the Growlithe. It had shaken once, twice, then three times. The ending is surely unquestionable, and you know it, Eyan Wright," Julie finally concluded, ending her story with a little bow. At first, she thought Eyan would criticize her or do something of that sort, but he did not. He actually clapped and nodded admiringly--well, sort of.


    "Good job telling the story, Julie. I must admit, I was ever so slightly impressed," Eyan told her with a small laugh, his green eyes glowing teasingly as she scowled indignantly. "And of course I knew you caught Growlithe-the one you named Ellie. I would be pretty stupid and idiotic to say you didn't catch her, wouldn't I? I'm not an idiot, that's a fact!"


    Together, the two young coordinators continued walking, to a nearby PokeCenter where they would stay and rest for the night. The sun had already began to set, and the sea at the east side of the region glowed yellow and orange... The body of water had numerous waves flowing calmly in the cool season, the gulls were flying back to their nests as the night brewed in, the wind blew faster and stronger...


    It was getting colder, and snow began to fall just as Eyan and Julie arrived at the door of the PokeCenter. A lighthouse guided the rest of the sea ships into safety, giving light on this cold day.


    Young Julie Gomez may have not fulfilled her goal of catching a grass type; not today, at least. Her rival, Eyan Wright, may have three Pokemon--and counting--on his team already, but now was not the time for Julie's third team member. That would be for another day, another time, another joyous occasion, which would be only one of the numerous events that were to come...

    ***THE~END***


    Pokemon Attempting to Capture: Staryu
    Level of Difficulty: Hard (20K or more)
    Total Number of Characters: 22,688
    Story Deal: For Gmandiddy
    Last edited by MuddyMudkip; 13th February 2011 at 01:39 AM.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] Remembering (Ready for Grading)

    REGRADE

    This grade is going to be very short because I'm only going to be calling out on the things I thought you didn't do well in the last grading. It is a regrade as well, so I don't want to sound redundant.

    Introduction: You did fix up the introduction here, moving the description to the next sentence.

    Formatting: You fixed up the formatting for the most part, so you're good here.

    Reality: You didn't really do bad here in the last grade, but I just wanted to say that you fixed up the 50 point healing I called out in the last grade. That means you're good here as well.

    Outcome: Staryu is now captured! Thanks for telling me about the regrade, because this story was definitely improved. I wish you well for your stories in the future, not that you'll need it, as shown in this story's second edition.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

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