[STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

Results 1 to 5 of 5
Like Tree1Likes
  • 1 Post By MuddyMudkip

Thread: [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

  1. #1
    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    empty space
    Posts
    2,096
    Blog Entries
    8
    Add MuddyMudkip on Facebook
    Follow MuddyMudkip on Tumblr Visit MuddyMudkip's Youtube Channel

    Default [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

    ------------
    THE EIGHT STONES
    By MuddyMudkip

    ------------

    PROLOGUE: Fire

    It was a very bright and starry night that the stars cast shadows over a group. The wind blew frantically causing the leaves of the trees to rustle and sway with great urgency. The group of six people and their Pokemon were having some sort of meeting. They gathered in a circle-like shape, as they talked softly but vehemently. They hoped they would not be heard, as they were near a house.

    "He has gotten too close to succeeding," the deep, dark voice of a man stated. "He needs to be stopped."

    The man was muscular, strong and had light brown hair, he was almost as tall as the trees around him. He seemed to be in his late thirties. His Pokemon partner stood beside him, he had three sharp and long claws on each paw. The creature's appearance looks like that of a bluish-black bipedal feline, clad in a bright red crown, and collar. It had two tails, like any other Weavile. But, what made the battle-ready Weavile different from the others, was that it looked as thought it had been in one too many devastating battles with its numerous scratches and scars.

    "And he will be stopped. By all and any means necessary," a pure, and confident lady's voice replied, "even if he has to be crushed. He has gotten six stones already. It has to be done tonight."

    She was a beautiful lady with short blond hair, but that was only on the outside. On the inside, her heart was as hard as stone, her emotions as cold as ice. Her eyes were the color of water, where waves crashed and flowed with rage and fury-as if in a thunderstorm or hurricane. Earrings were dangling from her ear, and a diamond ring rested on her finger. She seemed to be in her mid-thirties, and wore a confident, yet smug, smile that spread across her face.

    Beside her was a dog-like Pokemon with short, black fur, who also had some scars and scratches, but the Weavile had more of those. He had a red underbelly and a long snout. The nose was dark in coloration, and sharp fangs protruded out of his mouth. There were two white bands around each of the creature's ankles, as well as three bands on his back. He had a long, skinny tail that ends in an arrowhead, and there were visible claws on his feet. The Dark Pokemon appeared to have a collar with a small skull pendant and a pair of curled horns, but no discernible ears. He growled energetically, it seemed as though the fire inside of him grew stronger and hotter.

    "Umm... Excuse me, ma'am," a muffled voice came out from a younger man, thin and short, with a fiery Pokémon that appeared to be consisting entirely of magma. It resembled a slug, with a pair of bright yellow eyes on short stalks and a small mouth. The Slugma looked at his master's leader with frightened yellow eyes--the expression exactly the same as that of his master.

    "What is it Shrively?" the woman snapped at him as she rolled her eyes impatiently at the newbie.

    Ryan Shrively nervously scratched his jet-black hair as he gulped and mumbled his reply, "Did you just say crush, as in injure or kill or murder?"

    Her eyes now showed anger and impatience, like it was on fire-but then, it always was; always had been after that incident... The man with light brown hair took over, as he saw his co-leader's angry mood.

    "Well, yes, Ryan. We have to stop him. You must learn to have no mercy," he said quite calmly. His eyes were glowing with rage, as he really wanted to hurt the opponent.

    "Now, enough with that chit-chat. Time to crush him," the lady commanded venomously with a slight hiss in her voice, "Houndoom, use Flamethrower!" She pointed purposefully at the two-story building. The Pokemon immediately obeyed. He opened his mouth wide, took a deep breath, and aimed for the building. An intense blast of fire came out, hitting the house directly. It was an angry sea of flame, it lashed in all directions, consuming the west side of the house quickly. The others nodded, they all issued their Pokemon to use fire attacks. All the attacks hit the house. Those were just back-ups for the flamethrower. Then the gang escaped quickly and quietly, hearing a fire detector's alarm go on.

    "Our house is on fire!" a woman, with long black hair, cried out, as she rushed into a small room. Her anxious voice rose over the alarm of the fire detector. She tripped over a few assortment of toys, and made her way towards a pair of beds, where her two children lay down, sleeping and coughing.

    "Wake up!" she screamed as she nudged her children frantically to wake. She gasped for breath as smoke and flames curled around her. Her children finally woke up, still coughing in the smoke and heat. The kids nodded nervously, they were scared. She picked her four year old son up, then pulled her daughter out.

    They ran through a familiar hallway, but now it was one of their worst nightmares to see it. It was filled with sparks and flames of red, orange, and yellow that lashed out to them hungrily. They heaved down through the stairs quickly, frightened looks on their faces. The hand rails felt hot, and parts of of the stairs were burning down. They were careful not to step on burned parts. The fire was getting bigger, and stronger. Frightened as they were, they tried their best to stay clam.

    As they got down, they went into a fairly small room. It was the study. A man was frantically searching for something among the books. He was the woman's husband, and had dark brown hair. He was quickly pulling out books, looking for something very important. His Pikachu was helping him look. He looked up at them.

    "Get the children out!" he called, in a commanding voice, to the mother. Then he resumed his search. The mother knew what he was looking for. She was upset, not the slightest bit angry. She knew she had to get her kids out.

    "Daddy!" his six year old girl called out to him. She held out her arms for him to take. The man stopped for a moment and looked at his daughter.

    "Sweety, go with mommy. And take care of your brother," he said calmly with a determined but hurt look, "Take this Pokemon with you. She'll protect you. And this other one is for your brother... Keep it for him." He gave her a Pokeball and a Greatball. Slowly, the girl took them.

    "When will I give the Pokeball to my brother?" she asked in a murmuring voice.

    "You will know when it is the right time. The Greatball contains your Pokemon, okay?"

    The mother nodded gravely as she pulled her daughter and son out of their house, into safety. They sat on the grass, under a tree. They watched helplessly as the red flames ate the house.

    Just then, a fire truck appeared. The firefighters quickly sprayed water on the burning building, the water pressure wasn't strong enough for the fire was spreading speedily. The children's mother ran back towards the house. She was just a few meters from the house, when the Pikachu ran out. A few seconds after that, the house burned down completely and collapsed into bits. That electric rodent had a very lucky escape.

    The firefighters stopped spraying water. They and the neighbors gasped, shocked and stunned at how a fire could have spread so quickly. The family paused from a moment of shock. Some of the neighbors' jaws dropped wide open as they looked at the collapsed house.

    "Oh, John." The lady sighed with grief as she "got over" her shock. She touched her chest sadly. Tears were already rolling uncontrollably down her cheeks. She picked up the Pikachu and slowly walked back to her children.

    "NO! Daddy!" the little girl cried as she saw the house go down. She hugged her confused little brother tightly, and looked up as their mother returned. Wet was the ground, as tears flowed downwards.

    A car drove up into their driveway, the window rolled down, a woman with glasses looked out.

    "Come on in," she called. "You can stay at my house for the time being." A necklace swayed as her head popped out of the window. An expensive type of watch was wrapped around her wrist as her hand gestured them inside.

    "Hello Aunt Julie," the little girl greeted, her voice sounding lost and uncertain without its usual cheery glow, as she climbed into the backseat of the car. She looked back towards their house, her green eyes flashed angrily... She wanted to scream... As the car pulled out of the driveway, she pressed her face and left hand, which soon curled into a fist, onto the car's window.

    "Bye, daddy," the girl mumbled sorrowfully as the Pokeball and Greatball rolled about in her hand and fell down. The Greatball's middle button was hit as the ball touched the floor of the car, causing it to enlarge.

    Hmm, why would daddy give me a ball that grows bigger and smaller? she thought to herself, having never seen her father battle. She picked up the ball, and suddenly a young mammalian-like creature with brown fur popped out. A brown, bushy tail, that had a cream-colored tip wagged back and forth playfully. It had a furry collar that is also cream-colored. Four short, feline-esque legs with three small toes on each foot helped it stand upright-barely, as the creature was quite young. The Evolution Pokemon had brown eyes, big ears, and pink paw pads.

    She looked at the other ball, wondering what was inside... And what secrets it held...

    ***Six Years Later***

    Late one afternoon, a man and a woman were in a room in a hotel sending invitations through e-mail. The room was not big, just the right size. The air conditioner was on, and it was a hot day.

    "It's time. They have to take the test now," the man suggested. He was in his late thirties and had blond hair. He looked up from his laptop and turned to the woman, an innocent face on him.

    "Yes. It is time," the woman replied. "Their father would want them to find the stones. They should be able to handle themselves now." She paced around, back and forth, while an amethyst earring dangled from her ear. She also wore a silver bracelet.

    "Hmm..." the man mumbled. He quickly typed in another e-mail address, then he clicked SEND.

    CHAPTER ONE: The Suspicious Page

    It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning, the wind was blowing peacefully as the ground was clustered with leaves, twigs, and grass. Pokemon were scattered everywhere, some had trainers while others were wild. Very little cars drove past them, it was a quiet and peaceful neighborhood. Up in the sky, different kinds of bird Pokemon swooped up and down and all around. Wind breezed through twelve year old Samantha Hunter's long golden brown hair. Her green eyes scanned the overgrown grass in their garden; she looked tall compared to the young, lonely tree that grew near their house.

    A smile was spread across her face, she had just finished her daily morning jogging around the block, as sweat trickled down her cheeks. She was wearing a red shirt with blue jogging pants. And down at her feet, beside her orange running shoes, an Eevee stood panting. His name was Dean, and he always jogged with her.

    Samantha picked Dean up and walked into their house. Up the stairs, through a hallway, and into her bedroom she ran. She sat down, recalled Dean to his Pokeball, and turned on her laptop. As she often did, she checked her e-mail. She read them all, and replied to a few, then checked one-the newest one, at that-with the subject that read: 'Invitation for Samantha and Timothy Hunter'.

    "Tim, come here and look at this!" she hastily called out to a lumpy figure lying on the bed under the covers. It was her brother, Timothy.

    Tim did not move one bit, so, reluctantly, Sam put her laptop on the table, got up and walked over to the bed. She pushed and pulled, and nudged the figure under the brown covers until he finally budged. She kept at it 'till he woke up. He opened one eye, and asked sleepily, "What's up, sis?"

    "I got an e-mail addressed to both of us," Samantha replied as she walked back to her laptop. That got his attention, he rarely got any e-mails. Not ever any addressed to them both.

    "Really? What does it say?" Tim suddenly asked with curiosity. He stretched his thin body as he jumped out of bed and sat down in front of the laptop before his sister could. His skinny fingers tried to smooth out his ruffled dark brown hair. Tim's green eyes quickly scanned the e-mail. It read:

    You are invited to

    Take the

    NAPS Exam

    on

    the Twenty-Second of April

    8 AM

    at the

    Diamond Hotel


    "April 22, that's Tuesday, three days from now..." Tim told his sister excitedly. A wide grin was starting to spread across his face.

    Sam nodded, and responded, "Yes, I know. But what's a NAPS Exam?"

    Just then, they heard a rapping sound on the door. "Kids, open the door," a sweet, mother-like voice said. Timothy leapt forward to open the door, finding his mother standing impatiently outside. Her long black hair was tied in a ponytail as usual; her brown eyes were tired and sleepy; and her choice of clothing today was a plain yellow shirt and black jeans.

    "Yes, mom?" Samantha mumbled, looking up from the laptop and nodding questioningly.

    Their mother came in and ordered, "Timothy, go downstairs and eat your breakfast." Jane quickly scanned the invitation and called to her daughter, "Sam, this is an important exam. You and your brother must take it."

    Sam nodded and asked nervously, "But mom, doesn't it sound suspicious? And what is NAPS anyway?"

    "I don't really know, sweetie," her mother replied. "But, I'm sure it has something to do with your father." She remembered her husband, John, always going out for some sort of mission, and he always mentioned something to do with NAPS. John had died six years ago in a fire. Sam nodded, curiosity surging even more through her at the mention of her father, and followed her brother downstairs. It had been a long while since any one of them ever mentioned their father, no one ever did nowadays...

    Three days later, on the day of the exam, Samantha was more nervous than excited. Timothy, on the other hand, was the other way around. Jane had dropped them off at the Diamond Hotel exactly ten minutes before eight in the morning. Sam, dressed in a short-sleeved orange shirt with a blue, checkered skirt and light blue sneakers, and Tim, dressed in a green sleeveless shirt with cream-colored shorts and green rubber shoes, craned their necks to look out to the noisy and busy neighborhood. They were not used to this kind of neighborhood. Dean's Pokeball was safely tucked in a pocket of Sam's skirt, along with three other balls. They squeezed and squashed their way into the crowd.

    Sam and Tim spotted a sign directing them to the room for the NAPS exam. Sam shuddered and Tim felt cold as they started the rather long trek down a dim hallway. Mericifully, there was a well lit room at the end. In the room there were tables and chairs, lots of people, a man in a suit, pencils and erasers, it was like you were in school in a classroom, and Timothy hated that feeling.

    They walked around the room surveying it. The chairs had a pale brown color, with some darker shades at some parts. The tables were of the same color, only a smoother-looking texture. The walls were painted light blue, and the floors had light gray tiles, almost like silver.

    "Well, well, well, look who's here," a dark, menacing voice from behind scoffed.

    "The Cantwells," she said under her breath, their cousins... She would recognize that voice anywhere, and her heart thumped just thinking about it.

    She spun around, a muscular boy, two years older than her, was holding her brother upside down.

    Sam gasped as she stammered her reply, "Wh-What do you want, Ian?"

    "Oh, just some revenge," Ian snickered along with his eleven year old brother, Jordan. Their sister, Kelly, nodded, while their parents, Arthur and Ivy, smiled smugly.

    Samantha could see Jordan's arm muscles showing since he was wearing a very short-sleeved tee. On the other hand, Ian's could barely be recognized as he wore a loose shirt, and a hood on top. Same went with the rest of the family, Kelly wearing a red shirt and orange skirt that reached her knees, and their mother wore the same except for the difference in size and color, plus Ivy's skirt had flowers all over it . Their father, however, wore somewhat tight clothes, which did show some of his muscles.

    "Maybe we could settle this in a Pokemon battle, instead?" Samantha stuttered, thinking of anything that could work. She backed away nervously, she wanted to run but she could not. Why had she just said that? Battling was something that she was not really good at. Her brother didn't even have any Pokemon, yeah-weird-I know. Suddenly, though, an idea snapped into her mind...

    Tim stared at her warily and cowardly with a "What are you thinking? I don't even have Pokemon!" look on his face. His sister forced herself to smile back, trying to look calm, knowing what her brother was "saying", and what she would do. Somehow, they could communicate with each other, just by looking, like they can read each others minds.

    The Cantwells looked at each other, and nodded while smirking triumphantly. "Agreed. A battle we shall have," they sneered at the same time.

    Ian dropped Timothy headfirst onto the cement floor with a thump. Slowly, Tim stood up and started to massage his left leg and his head, hurting from Ian's killer grip. Soon, they came to a decision that Ian and Jordan would battle the Hunter siblings.

    Samantha grinned as she pulled out a Pokeball, one that she had kept for him ever since the night their dad had passed away, and told him, "Use him, name him, he is yours." She handed her brother the Pokeball.

    Immediately, Tim took it with a wide grin spread on his face. "Alright, out you go," he called enthusiastically, as he threw the ball to the floor. As the white light disappeared, a cub-like Pokemon appeared, with blue tufts of hair on his head. It had a long black tail with a gold four-pointed star on the end, his forelegs each had a gold ring around them. Large blue ears made up most of his head with gold-pupiled eyes, and a pink-red nose. An energetic roar came out of his mouth.

    "Come on out, Eloise!" Sam summoned as she threw out a Pokeball. Emerging from the white light was a large, red dragonfly-like Pokémon. She had a long thin abdomen and a comparatively short thorax. She had three pairs of two-toed legs as well as two pairs of wings with red bands on them. The creature's head was also mostly red, except for her very large, bright green eyes, which took up most of the space on her head. Her eyes can see all around her body, allowing it to have an extremely high evasiveness. The end of the Clear Wing Pokemon's tail had two flat extensions from the sides and two spikes in the center.

    "Don, I choose you," Jordan said simply as an Ultraball was thrown into the battlefield. A small, ceratopsian-like reptilian Pokémon with a yellow body popped out, as the ball flew back to the boy. He had white toes and bore a white bump on its back. The entity had a dark-gray oval-shaped face, with a prominent brow which was white in coloration, and a white rim was situated on his black snout. The Shield Pokemon's shield on the head looked bigger and sturdier than normal shields, as if his defense had been raised by his trainer.

    His brother nodded, and called out his Pokemon as well. A brown, furry mammalian-like creature emerged from a Greatball. His hair was so shaggy that it almost completely covered his tuft-like small legs, making him appear like a legless lump in shape. The Pig Pokemon had a pink, pig-like nose, and eyes that seemed to be perpetually closed in appearance.

    "You make the first move," Sam commanded them. With minimal hesitation, they snickered evilly yet obeyed.

    "Swine, Ice Shard on that Yanma," Jordan ordered. His Swinub opened his mouth, which then released a powerful barrage of icicles at the flying type. The frozen shards were quite triangular in shape, with almost all edges sharp, and they made an arc in the air at lightning speed.

    "Take down, nice and hard!" Ian called as his Pokemon began to stomp his feet. He then charged at Tim's Pokemon, scaring the poor Shinx easily. This made Tim gulp. Don quickly ran across to the other side of the battle field in a modified Quick Attack. After delivering a very effective hit, and taking some small damage from a not-so strong Spark, the Shieldon cringed slightly as he took recoil damage from the strong and powerful Take Down.

    And soon they were engaged in a fierce battle... The Shinx being the first to faint after a Mud Shot from the Swinub that bounced about-coming out from anywhere and everywhere-hitting even the Yanma. Next came Don after a critical hit was taken from Eloise's Quick Attack-an attack done with great speed wherein trails of white light are left by the creature as she sped through the air. Later, Samantha and Jordan's Pokemon were both exhausted, resulting into a tie after collision with a Wing Attack and Powder Snow.

    "Ahem!" a stern voice of a man boomed through a mic. "You shall take the NAPS exam now. My name is Matt Trevor, I am one of the staff of NAPS." He began passing out papers to those who were already sitting. He was roughly in his late twenties or early thirties, had neat auburn hair, and stood at about six feet and a few inches.

    When the four had recalled their Pokemon tiredly, they slid into their seats as eyes stared and wandered about them... Matt gave them some kind of test booklet, and all around them pens and pencils were already moving swiftly across the paper. Tim groaned, he hated tests--luckily, this one was not the essay type.

    About an hour later, Samantha and Timothy hurried out of the hotel to find their mom. Fortunately, no one stopped them from doing that. Slightly more than two minutes after waiting for the car, their mother pulled up with her red vehicle at the curb. They slipped in quickly just as the Cantwells spotted them.

    "Hey, we're not done with you!" Ian waved after them. When they were out of sight, he muttered, "Figures." He put his raised arm down, just as a yellow taxi pulled up, the driver thinking they needed a ride - which, in fact, they did.

    "Well done, son," Arthur ruffled his child's jet-black hair as he went into the front seat of the car.

    "Yeah, good job bro," Jordan chuckled as he slapped Ian ever so lightly on the back. "You got us a cab." Dianne, Kelly and himself slipped into the back seat of the taxi. Ian absentmindedly climbed in as well, speechless.
    ------------------
    Pokemon Attempting to Capture: Yanma and Swinub
    Level of Difficulty: Medium + Medium (10K + 10K = 20K)
    Total Number of Characters: 22414 (Includes "Prologue.." and "Chapter..")
    Last edited by MuddyMudkip; 19th April 2011 at 03:23 AM.
    Morru Magnum likes this.
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  2. #2
    Trainer Ordinaire evanfardreamer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    788

    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

    Claimed for grading.
    Evan F's Stats

    Long Live the Ghost Dojo!

  3. #3
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    383

    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

    'Ello! Best grader ever, here to fulfill my duty and my promise.

    Characters, Backstory: I strongly approve of your way of introducing the story: an enigmatic statement hinting at just enough of whatever overarching plot is going on serves as a hook to get the reader interested; descriptions of the 'bad guys' have us both wondering who exactly they are, and fearing for this mysterious victim they're targeting.
    Then it turns out that the real story is yet to come; these goings on are, in themselves, just a backstory for the true protagonists! That came across as a really effective and artsy way to set up a good story; kudos!
    Regarding characterization, I felt that you had the right idea with the bad guys, who don't appear in the story for long: show their personality in their appearance, what with the cold and rage-filled eyes. For the rest of the story, I felt like your strategy changed entirely: you let characters' actions define who they are, which is also a perfectly valid idea. I haven't yet decided which I like better given your writing style, but I strongly approve of both.
    The one downside to that is that I didn't get a strong sense of what Sam and Tim's mom is like post-timeskip; she doesn't get a lot of attention in the narrative, so we're left a bit in the dark as to what her personality is like now that she's been six years a single mom. Maybe a bit of a flashback on Sam's part would be in order, to show how mom coped with raising the kids on her own? Eh, just a suggestion. I was just curious about her, especially when I saw her encouraging her kids to take that exam... which she doesn't really know much about, and which, as far as she knows, indirectly lead to her husband's death. Most moms would try to protect their kids from a dangerous 'opportunity' like that... unless she knows more than you let on in your narrative. ;)


    Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot concept was very well imagined, but the execution of it fell flat in a couple of places.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    The children's mother ran back towards the house. She was just a few meters from the house, when the Pikachu ran out. A few seconds after that, the house burned down completely and collapsed into bits. That electric rodent had a very lucky escape.
    I feel like the 'opinion' thrown in there is a speed bump in an otherwise very smooth narrative: up until then, you're telling a story (pretty damn well actually...) And then suddenly, you stop narrating and tell the reader something that comes across as a random statement of your opinion on what just happened. It simultaneously breaks the flow of the story itself, and jarringly reminds the reader that 'this is just a story I'm telling you,' neither of which are particularly conducive to our enjoyment of the narrative. I think you'd do well to remove that sentence entirely from your story. It's a glaringly amateurish error smack-dab in the middle of a climactic moment in a mysterious and cool story.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    "Oh, John." The lady sighed with grief as she "got over" her shock. She touched her chest sadly. Tears were already rolling uncontrollably down her cheeks. She picked up the Pikachu and slowly walked back to her children.
    It's a little more subtle, but the "quotation marks" around "got over" are "the same thing." They imply some kind of opinion on your part, and the narrator should be neutral. (An opinionated narrator is doable, but that takes an entirely different kind of story, and usually has to be in the first person unless the author is extremely experienced.)
    If your intention wasn't to convey an opinion, but rather to get across the idea that she isn't really getting over her shock so much as suppressing it, then instead of using quotation marks, you should just explain exactly what you mean.
    On the bright side, you definitely rescued the flow of the plot after the six-year timeskip. The pace is just right, with minor timeskips to cut out 'boring' stuff like the days between the email and the exam.


    Grammar, Sentence Flow:
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    Beside her was a dog-like Pokemon with short, black fur, who also had some scars and scratches, but the Weavile had more of those.
    I feel like, since this paragraph is dedicated to the Houndoom, suddenly changing the actual subject of the phrase to Weavile is a bit jarring. Maybe, instead, manipulate the sentence so that Weavile is the object:
    Quote Originally Posted by Example
    Beside her was a dog-like Pokémon with short, black fur: fur which was also marred by scars and scratches, though less so than the Weavile's.
    At the same time, with this change, I managed to evoke the actual patches of missing fur that accompany scarring; fur no longer grows on scars, but most people need to be reminded of that in order to incorporate it into their mental image.

    On a couple of occasions, you switched to the present tense mid-sentence. Maybe this was just a typo (whether mental or actual. :P)
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    She picked up the ball, and suddenly a young mammalian-like creature with brown fur popped out. A brown, bushy tail, that had a cream-colored tip wagged back and forth playfully. It had a furry collar that is also cream-colored. Four short, feline-esque legs with three small toes on each foot helped it stand upright-barely, as the creature was quite young. The Evolution Pokemon had brown eyes, big ears, and pink paw pads.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    The creature's head was also mostly red, except for her very large, bright green eyes, which took up most of the space on her head. Her eyes can see all around her body, allowing it to have an extremely high evasiveness. The end of the Clear Wing Pokemon's tail had two flat extensions from the sides and two spikes in the center.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    Next came Don after a critical hit was taken from Eloise's Quick Attack-an attack done with great speed wherein trails of white light are left by the creature as she sped through the air.
    Watch for these mistakes when you proofread your story.

    Grammatical Quibbles:
    These are little one-time mistakes you made, ones which I'm not about to mark you down for, but which you should know about for the purpose of improving your writing:
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    The man was muscular, strong and had light brown hair, he was almost as tall as the trees around him. He seemed to be in his late thirties. His Pokemon partner stood beside him, he had three sharp and long claws on each paw. The creature's appearance looks like that of a bluish-black bipedal feline, clad in a bright red crown, and collar.
    Careful with your pronouns in the third sentence; using 'him' and 'he' to refer to different entities in the same sentence is both confusing and grammatically incorrect. The way you phrased this, "his," "him" and "he" all refer to the man, not the Pokémon; you'll need to split this into two sentences or splice the latter half onto the next sentence, like so:
    Quote Originally Posted by Example
    His Pokémon partner stood beside him. The creature had three long, sharp claws on each paw, and looked like a bluish-black bipedal feline clad in a bright red crown and collar.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    An expensive type of watch was wrapped around her wrist as her hand gestured them inside.
    Using "as" between two clauses implies two actions that occur at the same time. The way you phrased this sentence, it sounds like a watch is being wrapped around her wrist at the same time as she gestures them inside. A better way to write this might be,
    Quote Originally Posted by Example
    Her hand, which had an expensive brand of watch wrapped around its wrist, gestured them inside.

    Detail, Description:
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    She was a beautiful lady with short blond hair, but that was only on the outside. On the inside, her heart was as hard as stone, her emotions as cold as ice. Her eyes were the color of water, where waves crashed and flowed with rage and fury-as if in a thunderstorm or hurricane. Earrings were dangling from her ear, and a diamond ring rested on her finger. She seemed to be in her mid-thirties, and wore a confident, yet smug, smile that spread across her face.
    I really liked this one. But isn't the 'rage and fury' in her eyes kind of contradictory to what you said about her emotions being 'cold as ice?' Unless you just meant her nature emphasizes the more ruthless segment of the emotional spectrum... *shrug*
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    Her eyes now showed anger and impatience, like it was on fire-but then, it always was; always had been after that incident...
    Eyes are the subject of this sentence: they 'now showed anger and impatience, like they were on fire— but then, they always were... always had been, after that incident...'
    Protip: Alt+0151 = —, a proper dash (as opposed to the hyphen you're using there.) It should be followed by a space. =)


    Dialogue: I thought your dialogue was well done; the bad guys are suitably menacing, and the entire family of bullies are beautifully hate-able. Just one thing:
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    "Well, yes, Ryan. We have to stop him. You must learn to have no mercy," he said quite calmly. His eyes were glowing with rage, as he really wanted to hurt the opponent.
    To confirm, was this sentence supposed to be 'as if he really wanted to hurt his opponent?' Or is it literally a direct (if temporary) look into the character's mind, telling the reader straight-out that "this man really wants to hurt his opponent?" If the former, just a typo. If the latter... why are we suddenly in the third person omniscient point of view instead of just the third person limited? (Omniscient = seeing what's going on in all characters' heads; Limited = just seeing either one character's emotions/thoughts, or none.)


    Battles: Your main weakness in this story was definitely the battle. Just... please, read through it again and really look at it. Descriptions were inconsistent, and at times I had no idea what you were even trying to say. It was way too short, and it ended ridiculously abruptly.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    Next came Don after a critical hit was taken from Eloise's Quick Attack-an attack done with great speed wherein trails of white light are left by the creature as she sped through the air. Later, Samantha and Jordan's Pokemon were both exhausted, resulting into a tie after collision with a Wing Attack and Powder Snow.
    "Later," implies stuff happened in between the two occurrences. You put a timeskip in a battle. A timeskip. The battle is supposed to be the climactic moment of your story, not something you just... skip over a large portion of. In short: you really need to add more quality and quantity to the battle.
    Something important to note is that every attack, essentially, has three aspects: its origin, that is, a description of where it comes from (open mouth, claws, flapping wings, sudden psychic glow, etc;) its actual appearance (beam of light, leaping slash, visible whirlwind or gust, intensification of psychic glow, etc;) and its impact (flash-freeze of target, bleeding gash, target blown away, head a splode... etc.) You usually want to describe all three, for each attack, unless it's just a repeated spam of the same attack, in which case a different technique is in order after the first description.
    Examples:
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    "Swine, Ice Shard on that Yanma," Jordan ordered. His Swinub opened his mouth, which then released a powerful barrage of icicles at the flying type. The frozen shards were quite triangular in shape, with almost all edges sharp, and they made an arc in the air at lightning speed.
    This is an example of an attack that you scored two out of three on; the origin and appearance of the move are both described, but its impact on Sam's Yanma isn't. How can the reader guage exactly what's going on in the battle if they don't know just how badly Eloise is injured? Try describing holes punched in wings; tiny bleeding gashes in the insect's exoskeleton; etc.
    Quote Originally Posted by MuddyMudkip View Post
    "Take down, nice and hard!" Ian called as his Pokemon began to stomp his feet. He then charged at Tim's Pokemon, scaring the poor Shinx easily. This made Tim gulp. Don quickly ran across to the other side of the battle field in a modified Quick Attack. After delivering a very effective hit, and taking some small damage from a not-so strong Spark, the Shieldon cringed slightly as he took recoil damage from the strong and powerful Take Down.
    This one has the origin and impact described (sort of; how exactly would recoil damage 'look?' Maybe describe this as Don being just a bit dazed after running headfirst into its opponent, instead of explicitly saying "recoil damage.") However, the actual move itself isn't clearly described. What does a 'modified Quick Attack' look like, exactly? Just a Shieldon running quickly? If so, why even say anything about Quick Attack? Just leave it as a fast-moving Take Down, and describe that move better.
    Oh, and the Spark isn't even described. At all. For shame... :(


    Character Count: 22,398

    Overall: A strong story and engaging characters were offset by a few speed-bumps in the plot flow and a rather poor set of battle descriptions. Your combat, the only climactic moment of ACTION outside of the Prologue, was a morass of words that I had to mentally pick apart just to make sense of. That, more than anything, is what brought this story below the threshold of something that can catch a Medium-difficulty Pokémon.


    Result:
    Yanma: Not Caught.
    Swinub: Not Caught.

    Feel free to edit this story and PM (or AIM) me for a re-evaluation!
    ~Magik
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 3rd July 2011 at 04:14 AM.
    My Stats Page

    The Light Story
    The Shadowed Story

    The Dark Story

    A Glimpse of the Future


    "Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his FFA winnings??"
    "They're OVER 9000!!!"

  4. #4
    silence and sound MuddyMudkip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    empty space
    Posts
    2,096
    Blog Entries
    8
    Add MuddyMudkip on Facebook
    Follow MuddyMudkip on Tumblr Visit MuddyMudkip's Youtube Channel

    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

    @Magikchicken

    ------------
    THE EIGHT STONES
    By MuddyMudkip

    ------------

    PROLOGUE: Fire


    It was a very bright and starry night that the stars cast shadows over a group. The wind blew frantically causing the leaves of the trees to rustle and sway with great urgency. The group of six people and their Pokemon were having some sort of meeting. They gathered in a circle-like shape, as they talked softly but vehemently. They hoped they would not be heard, as they were near a house.

    "He has gotten too close to succeeding," the deep, dark voice of a man stated. "He needs to be stopped."

    The man was muscular, strong and had light brown hair. He was almost as tall as the trees surrounding him, and he seemed to be in his late thirties. His Pokemon partner, who had three sharp and long claws on each paw, stood beside him. The creature's appearance looked like that of a bluish-black bipedal feline, clad in a bright red crown and collar. It had two tails, like any other Weavile. But what made the battle-ready Weavile different from the others, was that it looked as thought it had been in one too many devastating battles with its numerous scratches and scars.

    "And he will be stopped. By all and any means necessary," a pure, and confident lady's voice replied, "even if he has to be crushed. He has gotten six stones already. It has to be done tonight."

    She was a beautiful lady with short blond hair, but that was only on the outside. On the inside, her heart was as hard as stone, her emotions as cold as ice. Her eyes were the color of water, where waves crashed and flowed with rage and fury— as if in a thunderstorm or hurricane. Earrings were dangling from her ear, and a diamond ring rested on her finger. She seemed to be in her mid-thirties, and wore a confident, yet smug, smile that spread across her face.

    Beside her was a dog-like Pokemon with short, black fur. And this fur was engraved with scars and scratches— but comparing them to the Weavile's, they were considerably less. He had a red underbelly and a long snout. The nose was dark in coloration, and sharp fangs protruded out of his mouth. There were two white bands around each of the creature's ankles, as well as three bands on his back. He had a long, skinny tail that ends in an arrowhead, and there were visible claws on his feet. The Dark Pokemon appeared to have a collar with a small skull pendant and a pair of curled horns, but no discernible ears. He growled energetically, it seemed as though the fire inside of him grew stronger and hotter.

    "Umm... Excuse me, ma'am," a muffled voice came out from a younger man, thin and short, with a fiery Pokémon that appeared to be consisting entirely of magma. It resembled a slug, with a pair of bright yellow eyes on short stalks and a small mouth. The Slugma looked at his master's leader with frightened yellow eyes— the expression exactly the same as that of his master.

    "What is it, Shrively?" the woman snapped at him as she rolled her eyes impatiently at the newbie.

    Ryan Shrively nervously scratched his jet-black hair as he gulped and mumbled his reply, "Did you just say crush, as in injure or kill or murder?"

    Her eyes now showed anger and impatience, like it was on fire— but then, it always was; always had been after that incident... The man with light brown hair took over, as he saw his co-leader's angry mood.

    "Well, yes, Ryan. We have to stop him. You must learn to have no mercy," he said rather calmly. His eyes were glowing with rage, as if he really wanted to hurt the opponent.

    "Now, enough with that chit-chat. Time to crush him," the lady commanded venomously with a slight hiss in her voice, "Houndoom, use Flamethrower!" She pointed purposefully at the two-story building. The entity immediately obeyed— this type of order was nothing new to him now. He opened his mouth wide, took a deep breath, and aimed for the building. An intense blast of fire came out, hitting the house directly. It was an angry sea of flame, it lashed in all directions, consuming the west side of the house quickly. The others nodded, they all issued their Pokemon to use Fire-typed attacks. All the attacks hit the house. Those were just back-ups for the flamethrower. Then the gang escaped quickly and quietly, hearing a fire detector's alarm go on.

    "Our house is on fire!" a woman, with long black hair, cried out, as she rushed into a small room. Her anxious voice rose over the alarm of the fire detector. She tripped over a few assortment of toys, and made her way towards a pair of beds, where her two children lay down, sleeping and coughing.

    "Wake up!" she screamed as she nudged her children frantically to wake. She gasped for breath as smoke and flames curled around her. Her children finally woke up, still coughing in the smoke and heat. The kids nodded nervously, they were scared. She picked her four year old son up, then pulled her daughter out.

    They ran through a familiar hallway, but now it was one of their worst nightmares to see it. It was filled with sparks and flames of red, orange, and yellow that lashed out to them hungrily. They heaved down through the stairs quickly, frightened looks on their faces. The hand rails felt hot, and parts of of the stairs were burning down. They were careful not to step on burned parts. The fire was getting bigger, and stronger. Frightened as they were, they tried their best to stay clam.

    As they got down, they went into a fairly small room. It was the study. A man was frantically searching for something among the books. He was the woman's husband, and had dark brown hair. He was quickly pulling out books, looking for something very important. His Pikachu was helping him look. He looked up at them.

    "Get the children out!" he called, in a commanding voice, to the mother. Then he resumed his search. The mother knew what he was looking for. She was upset, not the slightest bit angry. She knew she had to get her kids out.

    "Daddy!" his six year old girl called out to him. She held out her arms for him to take. The man stopped for a moment and looked at his daughter.

    "Sweety, go with mommy. And take care of your brother," he said in a slightly shaky voice with a determined but pained look, "Take this Pokemon with you. He'll protect you. And this other one is for your brother... Keep it for him." He gave her a Pokeball and a Greatball. Slowly, the girl took them.

    "When will I give the Pokeball to my brother?" she asked in a murmuring voice.

    "You will know when it is the right time. The Greatball contains your Pokemon, okay?"

    The mother nodded gravely as she pulled her daughter and son out of their house, into safety. They sat on the grass, under a tree. They watched helplessly as the red flames ate the house.

    Just then, a fire truck appeared. The firefighters quickly sprayed water on the burning building, the water pressure wasn't strong enough for the fire was spreading speedily. The children's mother ran back towards the house. She was just a few meters from the house, when the Pikachu ran out. A few seconds after that, the house burned down completely and collapsed into bits.

    The firefighters stopped spraying water. They and the neighbors gasped, shocked and stunned at how a fire could have spread so quickly. The family paused from a moment of shock. Some of the neighbors' jaws dropped wide open as they looked at the collapsed house.

    "Oh, John." Her stomach flipped. The lady sighed with grief as she slowly started to recover from her shock. Her hand clutched her stomach sadly in pain. Tears were already rolling uncontrollably down her cheeks. She picked up the Pikachu and slowly walked back to her children.

    "NO! Daddy!" the little girl cried as she saw the house go down. She hugged her confused little brother tightly, and looked up as their mother returned. Wet was the ground, as tears flowed downwards.

    A car drove up into their driveway, the window rolled down, and a woman with dark glasses looked out.

    "Come on in," she called. "You can stay at my house for the time being." A necklace swayed as her head popped out of the window. Her hand gestured them inside; the young girl noticed she was wearing an expensive-looking watch.

    "Hello, Aunt Julie," the little girl greeted, her voice sounding lost and uncertain without its usual cheery glow, as she climbed into the backseat of the car. She looked back towards their house, her green eyes flashed angrily... She fought the urge to scream, right then and there, in pure agony... As the car pulled out of the driveway, she pressed her face and left hand, which soon curled into a fist, onto the car's window.

    "Bye, daddy," the girl mumbled sorrowfully as the Pokeball and Greatball rolled about in her hand and fell down. The Greatball's middle button was hit as the ball touched the floor of the car, causing it to enlarge.

    Hmm, why would daddy give me a ball that grows bigger and smaller? she thought to herself, having never seen her father battle. She picked up the ball, and suddenly a young mammalian-like creature with brown fur popped out. A brown, bushy tail, that had a cream-colored tip wagged back and forth playfully. It had a furry collar that was also cream-colored. Four short, feline-esque legs with three small toes on each foot helped it stand upright-barely, as the creature was quite young. The Evolution Pokemon had brown eyes, big ears, and pink paw pads.

    She looked at the other ball, wondering what was inside... And what secrets it held...

    ***Six Years Later***


    Late one afternoon, a man and a woman were in a room in a hotel sending invitations through e-mail. The room was not big, just the right size. The air conditioner was on, and it was a hot day.

    "It's time. They have to take the test now," the man suggested. He was in his late thirties and had blond hair. He looked up from his laptop and turned to the woman, an innocent face on him.

    "Yes. It is time," the woman replied. "Their father would want them to find the stones. They should be able to handle themselves now." She paced around, back and forth, while an amethyst earring dangled from her ear. She also wore a silver bracelet.

    "Hmm..." the man mumbled. He quickly typed in another e-mail address, then he clicked SEND.

    CHAPTER ONE: The Suspicious Page


    It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning, the wind was blowing peacefully as the ground was clustered with leaves, twigs, and grass. Pokemon were scattered everywhere, some had trainers while others were wild. Very little cars drove past them, it was a quiet and peaceful neighborhood. Up in the sky, different kinds of bird Pokemon swooped up and down and all around. Wind breezed through twelve year old Samantha Hunter's long golden brown hair. Her green eyes scanned the overgrown grass in their garden; she looked tall compared to the young, lonely tree that grew near their house.

    A smile was spread across her face, she had just finished her daily morning jogging around the block, as sweat trickled down her cheeks. She was wearing a red shirt with blue jogging pants. And down at her feet, beside her orange running shoes, an Eevee stood panting. His name was Dean, and he always jogged with her.

    Samantha picked Dean up, and walked into their house. Up the stairs, through a hallway, and into her bedroom she ran. She sat down, recalled Dean to his Pokeball, and turned on her laptop. As she often did, she checked her e-mail. She read them all, and replied to a few, then checked one - the newest one, at that - with the subject that read: 'Invitation for Samantha and Timothy Hunter'.

    "Tim, come here and look at this!" she hastily called out to a lumpy figure lying on the bed under the covers. It was her brother, Timothy.

    Tim did not move one bit, so, reluctantly, Sam put her laptop on the table, got up and walked over to the bed. She pushed and pulled, and nudged the figure under the brown covers until he finally budged. She kept at it 'till he woke up. He opened one eye, and asked sleepily, "What's up, sis?"

    "I got an e-mail addressed to both of us," Samantha replied as she walked back to her laptop. That got his attention, he rarely got any e-mails. Not ever any addressed to them both.

    "Really? What does it say?" Tim suddenly asked with curiosity. He stretched his thin body as he jumped out of bed and sat down in front of the laptop before his sister could. His skinny fingers tried to smooth out his ruffled dark brown hair. Tim's green eyes quickly scanned the e-mail. It read:

    You are invited to

    Take the

    NAPS Exam

    on

    the Twenty-Second of April

    8 AM

    at the

    Diamond Hotel


    "April 22, that's Tuesday, three days from now..." Tim told his sister excitedly. A wide grin was starting to spread across his face.

    Sam nodded, and responded, "Yes, I know. But what's a NAPS Exam?"

    Just then, they heard a rapping sound on the door. "Kids, open the door," a sweet, mother-like voice said. Timothy leapt forward to open the door, finding his mother standing impatiently outside. Her long black hair was tied in a ponytail as usual; her brown eyes were tired and sleepy; and her choice of clothing today was a plain yellow shirt and black jeans.

    "Yes, mom?" Samantha mumbled, looking up from the laptop and nodding questioningly.

    Their mother came in and ordered, "Timothy, go downstairs and eat your breakfast." The boy nodded straight away, skipping off downstairs. Jane quickly scanned the invitation and called to her daughter, "Sam, this is an important exam. You and your brother must take it."

    Sam nodded and asked nervously, "But mom, doesn't it sound suspicious? And what is NAPS anyway?"

    "I don't really know, sweetie," her mother replied. "But, I'm sure it has something to do with your father." She remembered her husband, John, always going out for some sort of mission, and he always mentioned something to do with NAPS. John had died six years ago in a fire. Sam nodded, curiosity surging even more through her at the mention of her father, and followed her brother downstairs. It had been a long while since any one of them ever mentioned their father, no one ever did nowadays...

    She remembered, back when they were much younger, her sibling - even herself, at times - would ask about dad. Jane Hunter always had had that pained expression when she told them about him; telling them little details one by one. They wouldn't get the full explanation immediately— only little snippets of their long lost memories. Samantha remembered the day when they both finally understood it all... They had vowed to be the greatest kids they could be. They would obey her without question; without doubt. It had always been a wonder to her how her mother had managed them both all on her own since she was six. It had always been a wonder how she had coped with the loss... She couldn't remember much of those days, but she knew she, personally, didn't take it well. She shook her head quickly as her mom exited the room. She told herself that she couldn't possibly worry about this now, could she?

    Three days later, on the day of the exam, Samantha was more nervous than excited. Timothy, on the other hand, was the other way around. Jane had dropped them off at the Diamond Hotel exactly ten minutes before eight in the morning. Sam, dressed in a short-sleeved orange shirt with a blue, checkered skirt and light blue sneakers, and Tim, dressed in a green sleeveless shirt with cream-colored shorts and green rubber shoes, craned their necks to look out to the noisy and busy neighborhood. They were not used to this kind of neighborhood. Dean's Pokeball was safely tucked in a pocket of Sam's skirt, along with three other balls. They squeezed and squashed their way into the crowd.

    Sam and Tim spotted a sign directing them to the room for the NAPS exam. Sam shuddered and Tim felt cold as they started the rather long trek down a dim hallway. Mericifully, there was a well lit room at the end. In the room there were tables and chairs, lots of people, a man in a suit, pencils and erasers, it was like you were in school in a classroom, and Timothy hated that feeling.

    They walked around the room surveying it. The chairs had a pale brown color, with some darker shades at some parts. The tables were of the same color, only a smoother-looking texture. The walls were painted light blue, and the floors had light gray tiles, almost like silver.

    "Well, well, well, look who's here," a dark, menacing voice from behind scoffed.

    "The Cantwells," she said under her breath, their cousins... She would recognize that voice anywhere, and her heart thumped just thinking about it.

    She spun around, a muscular boy, two years older than her, was holding her brother upside down.

    Sam gasped as she stammered her reply, "Wh-What do you want, Ian?"

    "Oh, just some revenge," Ian snickered along with his eleven year old brother, Jordan. Their sister, Kelly, nodded, while their parents, Arthur and Ivy, smiled smugly.

    Samantha could see Jordan's arm muscles showing since he was wearing a very short-sleeved tee. On the other hand, Ian's could barely be recognized as he wore a loose shirt, and a hood on top. Same went with the rest of the family, Kelly wearing a red shirt and orange skirt that reached her knees, and their mother wore the same except for the difference in size and color, plus Ivy's skirt had flowers all over it . Their father, however, wore somewhat tight clothes, which did show some of his muscles.

    "Maybe we could settle this in a Pokemon battle, instead?" Samantha stuttered, thinking of anything that could work. She backed away nervously, she wanted to run but she could not. Why had she just said that? Battling was something that she was not really good at. Her brother didn't even have any Pokemon. Suddenly, though, an idea snapped into her mind...

    She remembered the night she met Dean, and who had given him to her. She remembered what her father had taught her. "Sweety, go with mommy. And take care of your brother," he had told her, "Take this Pokemon with you. He'll protect you. And this other one is for your brother... Keep it for him." He gave her a Pokeball and a Greatball. Slowly, the girl took them.

    "When will I give the Pokeball to my brother?" she asked in a murmuring voice.

    "You will know when it is the right time. The Greatball contains your Pokemon, okay?"
    And ever since that day she had always kept the ball with her— never bothering to open it, for it was meant to be her brother's partner. Ever since that day, she had been waiting for the right moment to give it to him. Perhaps now, she presumed, would be that right time.

    Tim stared at her warily and cowardly with a "What are you thinking? I don't even have Pokemon!" look on his face. His sister forced herself to smile back, trying to look calm, knowing what her brother was trying to express, and what she would do. Somehow, they could communicate with each other— just by looking, as though they can read each others' minds.

    The Cantwells looked at each other, and nodded while smirking triumphantly. "Agreed. A battle we shall have," they sneered at the same time.

    Ian dropped Timothy headfirst onto the cement floor with a thump. Slowly, Tim stood up and started to massage his left leg and his head, hurting from Ian's killer grip.

    "Tim..." His sister rushed to his side immediately with a concerned expression overcoming her face. Her grass-green pupils connected with his sea green orbs. "Are you alright?"

    "I'm fine— don't worry," he replied, still clutching his aching head. The male ten-year-old grinned at Sam reassuringly. "We'll show them. We'll battle and defeat them! No backing down..."

    "Timothy Matthew Hunter!" Samantha growled. She could nto believe how hard-headed her younger brother could be sometimes.

    He looked at her sweetly— playing coy. "What?" he asked innocently. The twelve-year-old fought her urge to slap him right then and there.

    "Ahem." Jordan coughed. The Hunters looked at him briefly before muttering an, "Oh..."

    Tim stood up, and moved to the other end of the room with his female sibling. "Right, well, I just need to borrow a Pokemon."

    Samantha grinned as she pulled out a Pokeball, the one that she had kept for him ever since the night their dad had passed away, and told him, "Use it, name it, it's as good as yours." She handed her brother the red-and-white sphere.

    Immediately, Tim took it with a wide grin spread on his face. "Alright, out you go," he called enthusiastically, as he threw the ball to the floor. As the white light disappeared, a cub-like Pokemon appeared, with blue tufts of hair on his head. It had a long black tail with a gold four-pointed star on the end, his forelegs each had a gold ring around them. Large blue ears made up most of his head with gold-pupiled eyes, and a pink-red nose. An energetic roar came out of his mouth. It stretched its rather sore-looking limbs from being housed in that Pokeball for years.

    "It's from dad," she told him slowly, causing a rather bewildered look to spread on his face. His father— the man he never even knew? He gulped, trying to regain a bit of balance. He nodded, though his sister knew that telling him that probably wasn't the best of ideas. Knowing him, it would make him think. Think real hard.

    Sam glanced at him for a moment, making sure he was alright. "Come on out, Eloise!" she summoned as she threw out a Pokeball. Emerging from the white light was a large, red dragonfly-like Pokémon. She had a long thin abdomen and a comparatively short thorax. She had three pairs of two-toed legs as well as two pairs of wings with red bands on them. The creature's head was also mostly red, except for her very large, bright green eyes, which took up most of the space on her head. Her eyes could see all around her body, which allowed her to have an extremely high evasiveness. The end of the Clear Wing Pokemon's tail had two flat extensions from the sides and two spikes in the center.

    "Don, I choose you," Jordan said simply as an Ultraball was thrown into the battlefield. A small, ceratopsian-like reptilian Pokémon with a yellow body popped out, as the ball flew back to the boy. He had white toes and bore a white bump on its back. The entity had a dark-gray oval-shaped face, with a prominent brow which was white in coloration, and a white rim was situated on his black snout. The Shield Pokemon's shield on the head looked bigger and sturdier than normal shields, as if his defense had been raised by his trainer.

    His brother nodded, and called out his Pokemon as well. A brown, furry mammalian-like creature emerged from a Greatball. His hair was so shaggy that it almost completely covered his tuft-like small legs, making him appear like a legless lump in shape. The Pig Pokemon had a pink, pig-like nose, and eyes that seemed to be perpetually closed in appearance.

    "You make the first move," Sam commanded them. With minimal hesitation, they snickered evilly yet obeyed.

    "Swine, Ice Shard on that Yanma," Jordan ordered. His Swinub opened his mouth, which then released a powerful barrage of icicles at the flying type. The frozen shards were quite triangular in shape, with almost all edges sharp, and they made an arc in the air at lightning speed. The attack came in direct contact with the Yanma's right side, causing a small tear and a slightly frozen underside.

    "Take down, nice and hard!" Ian called as his Pokemon began to stomp his feet. He then charged at Tim's Pokemon, scaring the poor Shinx easily. This caused Tim to gulp. Don quickly ran across to the other side of the battlefield with streaks of white chrome trailing behind. In one swift movement, the Shieldon tackled the Electric-type full force, sending it flying backwards.

    "Shi-inx!!" the Electric-type growled as it stood up. Without Tim giving out a command, it powered up. Yellow electric sparks soon began to crackle all around it— some of it's fur standing up from the static. The clumps of electricity were released, heading straight for the opponent. The next thing Ian's Pokemon knew, he was already feeling a rather paralyzed sensation as the electrical energy seeped into his body.

    "Alright! Go Shinx!" Timothy cheered, jumping with joy as he pumped his fist into the air. Sam felt herself grinning— that was one point for them! She shook her head quickly, focusing her attention back on the battle at hand.

    "Try to keep airborne," she called, knowing that if Eloise would to be stationed on the ground, it would practically mean the end. "Confusion, let's go!"

    The Yanma's eyes began to glow a bright purple color. The outline of her small body was enveloped in purple Psychic energy as well. She focused her glistening pupils on the Shieldon trying to make eye contact. At first, the foe managed to divert his gaze— however, the power was seemingly too much for the poor thing to handle as he reluctantly gave in. Now, he, too, had a violet hue surrounding him. It lifted him up, then down, then up again— continuously hitting him against the cement floor. Soon, the Shield Pokemon was very much dazed and dizzy. His eyes were going round and round in confusion, but not in unconsciousness.

    Simultaneously, upon Jordan's command, the Ice-Ground-type gathered up his energy, creating a muddy substance deep within him. In a few moments' time, the power rose from the pit of his stomach to his throat, and he released it with a strong push. A brown, dirty-looking orb shot out— which was then followed by more globs of its kind. Tim gulped uneasily, though he did not know much about Pokemon battling, he definitely knew that Ground-typed attacks were very effective against Electric-typed entities.

    "Oh! Uh... Uh... Bite at those bombs of mud!" The young creature nodded as it opened its nuzzle, showing its already sharp-looking teeth. It gnashed at the mucky spheres, managing to eliminate a few percentage of them, but taking a bit of damage in the process as well. In the end, the balls conquered Timothy's partner. The last two of the barrage slammed into it, sending it flying backwards. It crashed onto the ground, knocking it out.

    Tim rushed to his first Pokemon, cradling it in his arms lovingly. "It's gonna be okay... You were awesome out there, Shinx. Now, you deserve a nice and long rest." In a flash of red light, the Pokeball housing sucked the Electric-type back into its orb.

    "You're going to pay for that!" Samantha growled, planning on avenging her younger brother.

    "Yeah, right. I'm so scared," mocked the older Cantwell as he rolled his eyes sarcastically. "Don, use Metal Sound."

    Jordan nodded, seemingly knowing exactly what his brother was thinking. In a plain tone, he ordered, "Swine, try to use Powder Snow after Shieldon attacks."

    "Eloise, counter with a Swift attack. Then, follow up with a Tackle on Don."

    The Shield Pokemon closed his eyes in concentration. He was preparing his vocal chords for the high-pitched noise he was about to emit. He opened his nuzzle, releasing a loud yell. The sound waves just seemed to bounce about, allowing the air to take them to the enemy's ears. The sound echosed around the room, causing everyone to cover their ears in sheer annoyance and frustration— including the Swinub and the Cantwells themselves. The ear-piercing sound almost made the Yanma lose her balance up in the air, and also cause dher to let her guard down. This was in time for Jordan's partner to attack. He, after shaking himself from the shock, blew out a cold gust of air. The wind was filled with ice and snow. Now, the Clear Wing Pokemon released a barrage of yellow stars. The glimmering shapes blasted forward, colliding with the Powder Snow attack. For the most part, the Swift attack froze over— however, it did manage to eliminate some part of the icy cold gusts. What remained of the wind hit the Bug-Flying-type almost dead on. Once she had overcome the coldness shooting through her body, she flung forward in a desperate attempt to damage the opponent. She tackled the Rock-Steel-type full blast, causing it to be pushed backwards, but only slightly. With quite a bit of difficulty, the creature flapped her wings and tried to get back to her trainer. The cold attacks had taken its toll on her— her body shaking and shivering.

    "Eloise!" she heard her master call out worriedly. She cried out, struggling to keep herself airborne. If she were to flop down to the cement floor, it would surely mean the end of the battle; surely, the Cantwells brothers would win; and, surely, she would have failed Sam.

    "Ahem!" a stern voice of a man boomed through a mic. "You shall take the NAPS exam now. My name is Matt Trevor, I am one of the staff of NAPS." He began passing out papers to those who were already sitting. He was roughly in his late twenties or early thirties, had neat auburn hair, and stood at about six feet and a few inches.

    Sam breathed a sigh of relief— they wouldn't have to finish this bout now. She called the Clear Wing Pokemon back to her red-and-white sphere, and with an erratic beam of red energy, she was back in her capsule. The four of them slid into their seats as eyes stared and wandered about them... Matt gave them some kind of test booklet, and all around them pens and pencils were already moving swiftly across the paper. Tim groaned, he hated tests— luckily, this one was not the essay type.

    About an hour later, Samantha and Timothy hurried out of the hotel to find their mom. Fortunately, no one stopped them from doing that. Slightly more than two minutes after waiting for the car, their mother pulled up with her red vehicle at the curb. They slipped in quickly just as the Cantwells spotted them.

    "Hey, we're not done with you!" Ian waved after them. When they were out of sight, he muttered, "Figures." He put his raised arm down, just as a yellow taxi pulled up, the driver thinking they needed a ride— which, in fact, they did.

    "Well done, son," Arthur ruffled his child's jet-black hair as he went into the front seat of the car.

    "Yeah, good job bro," Jordan chuckled as he slapped Ian ever so lightly on the back. "You got us a cab." Dianne, Kelly and himself slipped into the back seat of the taxi.

    Ian absentmindedly climbed in as well, speechless and dumbfounded. The only statement lingering in his mind was, We'll finish those Hunter kids for sure, next time.
    ---------------------------------
    Pokemon Attempting to Capture: Yanma and Swinub
    Level of Difficulty: Medium + Medium (10K + 10K = 20K)

    Total Number of Characters: 30,274
    ..::Active URPG Ranger::..
    A Poem I Wrote
    >>learning through the downs, living for the ups<<
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai-Mei View Post
    Stuff died. Apparently Typhlosion > Chandelure.

  5. #5
    bad wolf Scourge of Nemo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Closet Land
    Posts
    1,411

    Default Re: [STORY DEAL] The Eight Stones (Ready For Grading)

    Well, I had a big long regrade. Then my internet decided to die sometime before I hit "post reply," and the entire thing got eaten. Not going to rewrite it.

    Long story short: If your story is going to have a battle, make sure you either gloss over it entirely and describe no part of it (if it isn't relevant to the full arc of the story)... or go all the way and make sure that it is an action/humor/horror/whatever tone you want-packed mass of awesomeness with all the necessary parts described. (Necessary parts will depend on the story and the goals.) You definitely did that the second round through, so very, very good job there.

    The "plot" fixes Magik requested were actually low-relevance detail issues. You fixed them quite well. To avoid that issue in the future, remember that you shouldn't leave ambiguities in description for important issues, things that might be negatively misinterpreted, or high-intensity sections. If you DO leave ambiguities in description, make sure they are deliberate and necessary. For example, if you wanted to create a question in the reader such as "What is actually happening here?" in a thriller, that'd be one method of doing it. Otherwise, though, avoid.

    Also. A narrator by definition can not be truly neutral. Writing never, ever works that way. Not even in non-fiction. Perhaps in an encyclopedia with dozens of editors--but even then, most encyclopedias have funny nibblets of bias imbedded in some of the definitions. Point being, not only will your narrator have an opinion--those opinions are what create tone, atmosphere, themes, and pretty much everything that makes one piece of writing worth reading over another. That wasn't a particularly big issue in the original grade, but I should've said something about it in wages period when the grade was originally paid, so...

    ANYWAY. POINT BEING. Excellent job responding to Magik's requests. Consider my general tips on not running into those same issues next time. Have fun with both of your captured Pokémon. You more than deserve them.
    URPG Statistics
    Running Through Daisies

    kers x alaska x zak x derian x scourge x ireign

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •