[Magikarp] Potential (Graded)

Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: [Magikarp] Potential (Graded)

  1. #1
    magister mencium VeloJello's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    The Land of Night and Magic.
    Posts
    213

    Default [Magikarp] Potential (Graded)



    Warning: There's a swear in here!

    Everyone knows that Vermilion City is a beautiful place. Its streets are clean, its people are friendly, its lawns and parks blossom with flowers, and it is famed across the world for its amazing sunsets. However, to a fisherman like Edward, the most important part of Vermilion would definitely be its proximity to the open sea.

    Edward sat on the pier, watching the rolling ocean waves gently lap the rocks that formed Vermilion's foundation. The sea was calm that day, and boats of all kinds dotted the water, little white specks that drifted lazily across the azure waters. Puffy clouds scooted across the deep blue sky, like ships that had been released from the waters to sail the skies high above. The sight made Edward happy; he loved to fish on picturesque days like this one. With a flourish, he cast out his line.

    Beside Edward, a Meowth snoozed. The creamy-coated feline was curled into a slumbering ball of silky fur. Edward wasn't much of a cat fanatic, but the stray Meowth had found Edward fishing one day and begun to follow him, begging for handouts of food. Something pitiful in its pleas had finally taken effect on Edward; he had begun to feed it and eventually, once the Meowth trusted him, he had caught the little monster and named him Will. Will was Edward's only Pokemon as yet, but there was every chance that Edward would catch something worth keeping and change that fact.

    The minutes wore on. Will woke up, yawned and stretched, greeting Edward with a meow that smelt of fish. "Hello to you too," muttered Edward, scratching the Meowth behind his ears without once looking away from the tip of his fishing pole. Edward had been born with his fair share of patience, but today he was in a hurry. He had woken up that morning itching to have a great battle and make a great catch, and the wating was just getting so -

    Suddenly, the tip of the fishing pole jerked down. Something had bit down on it, hard, and was trying to swim away with the lure. Edward let out a loud whoop and reefed on the pole. The weight stayed; whatever was on the line was hooked, and from the way the pole kept trying to escape from Edward's hands it was obvious that he had hooked a fighter. Will was mewling eagerly, no doubt hoping for eatables, but this catch belonged to Edward. He pulled back on the reel, wearing out the Pokemon on the line with a series of alternating tugs and releases. Finally the Pokemon's struggles began to ebb. Triumphant, Edward began to reel in his catch. What would it be? Maybe a Tentacool; they were known to drift into these waters. Or it could be a Slowpoke, which he could evolve into the brainy Slowking. It could be a Shellder, it could be a Staryu, it could be... It could be...

    It could be a Magikarp.

    The orange fish flopped lamely on the end of Edward's line, its wide tail fin twitching and its orange gills pulsing as it tried to breathe. "Damn it!" snarled Edward. "Another Magikarp."

    The Magikarp continued to flop and flail at the end of the line. Stifling a stream of curses, he propped the pole against his chair and reached out to free the Magikarp from the hook caught in its lip. As his hand neared the fish Pokemon, however, the Magikarp flailed suddenly, smacking his hand away with its tail. Edward glared at the offending fish. "You've got some fight in you," he grunted. He reached again, leaning in, and this time Magikarp slapped him squarely in the face with all the strength its fat orange body could muster.

    Edward yelped with pain and surprise, dropping the fishing pole onto the pier. The Magikarp flopped forlornly, giving off little wheezing gasps of, "Karp, Karp!" Edward was about ready to kick it straight back into the ocean, but one thought stopped him: Gyrados. With patience and effort, even the useless Magikarp had potential to become a great Pokemon: namely, Gyrados, a master of the seas. This Magikarp already seemed to have a fighting instinct. So why not give it a shot? The worst Edward could lose was some time and a Pokeball.

    The thought of owning a Gyrados made up Edward's mind. "Well," he grunted, moving toward Magikarp. He stepped on it lightly, restricting its motion so that he could unhook its fat lips safely, "looks like I'm going to catch you. Probably. I need to make sure you're going to be halfway decent, so Will here is going to battle you. Right, Will?" Will nodded, his claws sliding out.

    Edward put the pole away and looked at Magikarp. "All right, then, Will. Use Bite!"

    Will darted in, his teeth bared in a feline grin. With a snarl he bit down on Magikarp's body, sinking his fangs into fishy flesh. Magikarp immediately let out a wail of pain. It began to flail with jerky, panicky movements. Its wide tail battered Will's vulnerable face, sending him staggering backward. He let out an irritated hiss.

    "All right, looks like you’re not going down tamely... Now try Fury Swipes, Will."

    Will's claws stretched out even farther, and they acquired a faint white glow. His paws flashed as he slashed at Magikarp, who kept gave little whimpers of, “Karp!” each time the claws ripped through its scales.

    However, the fish wasn't giving up. As Will retreated, waiting for his next order, Magikarp suddenly launched itself into the air. It fell, landing squarely on Will, nearly crushing him beneath its weight. "Kick it away, and then use Fury Swipes again!" Edward commanded. Will’s hind legs heaved mightily, and the Magikarp was sent flying once more. Scarcely had it landed before Will was on it again, ripping into it with his glinting claws. He got out of range quickly this time, and Edward stepped in, pulling out a fresh Pokeball and tossing it at Magikarp. The Pokeball opened with a smart snap before engulfing Magikarp in red light, sucking it into the capsule. The Pokeball fell to the pier and began to wobble violently; the Magikarp was still fighting. But it was not strong enough, and after a few moments the Pokeball went still. Edward picked the Pokeball up, a faint smile on his face. It wasn't what he would have picked for his first Pokemon, but every Pokemon has its potential. And Edward knew that one day, his Magikarp would unlock its potential and become a titanic champion of the sea.
    Last edited by VeloJello; 10th August 2012 at 03:35 PM.
    Among my frivolous thoughts,
    I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.
    The indications reveal
    That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

    URPG Stats.

  2. #2
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Chicago, Illinois
    Posts
    978

    Default Re: [Magikarp] Potential (Ready for grading!)

    I GOT THIS, YO.

    Plot-
    You have some writing experience, don't you? This was excellent for Magikarp.

    Yeah. This is a Magikarp story. For a Magikarp, of course, a sweet and simple plot like this is just fantastic. And maybe you could get away with it in a Simple-ranked story as well. But after that you gotta step up the creative juices and pump out a bit more of an interesting plot.

    I like how you told us how Edward got Will. It was a nice little add-on in there, usually authors seem to leave out how the trainers in their story get their Pokemon. And including it in a Magikarp story is a good start to creating habits that will help you capture stronger and more difficult Pokemon in the future.

    Also I enjoy how you threw in pieces of humor and referenced the anime a little bit in there. Gave me a bit of a laugh.

    The Spellings and the Grammars:
    Honestly can't say that I found any typos or mistake for the most part. Very strong sense of grammar here. The only thing that I saw that was wrong was the spelling of Gyarados. You forgot the first 'a'! But other than that, like I said, you have done well, my friend.

    Length: p.s. you get to count spaces in your character counting ;)

    Details:
    Very good. I like how large of a vocabulary you used. You didn't get repetitive with the descriptions. You got everything done really well. You described the Meowth, the city, Edward and Magikarp. People seem to forget to tell me what the setting is like but you got that out of the way right in the beginning. It would be cool if you used more similies and metaphors and stuff like that, rather than just descriptions words when you are writing for more difficult things too. They make the story more relatable.

    Battle:
    And now onto the battle. It was done well as well. I obviously don't have too much criticism for you. You did it all well for a Magikarp. Just remember to keep describing your attacks and you will be golden. Don't be afraid to use the surroundings during the battle either! Although you did not have much of a chance to this time since its in a city.

    Oh and... Don't put that you have captured the Pokemon in your story.

    Outcome:

    lol Go have fun with your fishie. Magikarp captured!!!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •