You walk nervously down the red carpet, smiling blankly at the massive crowd of reporters, trainers, fans, hobos, medical personnel, robots that line either side of the long path leading towards the entrance of Ultra Hall. Cameras of all eras flash in your face, nearly blinding you with their brilliance and you can't even remember how many hands you shook.
A grinning woman in a rather elegant dress, holding a rather large microphone, steps up to you. A large "U" is inscribed on its side.
"Evening, I'm Janice Sparks with Ultra Entertainment," she says to you, as a large camera focuses in on your face. "Are you nervous about the Awards? Do you think you'll win?"
Your taken aback slightly by her quick-fire questions.
"Uh, yeah, I guess," you reply, then gather yourself. "I mean, there are a lot of people nominated this year and over 50 experts voting. Even if I don't win, it's an honor that someone out there considers me special in one way or another."
"You're definitely SPECIAL!" shouts a voice from the sidelines who you can't see.
Sparks continues with her next question, as if she had not heard the comment.
"Tell me," she says. "Are you taken?"
Before you have a chance to reply, a young man who looks strikingly like Ash Ketchum grabs your hand and pulls you down the carpet.
"Quickly now," he says. "The ceremonies are about to start! You don't want to miss them now, do you?"
The young chap escorts you to your reserved seat and you just barely settle down when the lights dim upon the audience. For a moment, there is only darkness.
"Pst, do you have a tissue?" issues a voice to your immediate left.
"Oh what... yeah, I do," you reply as you pull out a tissue from your pocket and pass it to your left. "Here."
"Thanks," says the voice again. You hear a nose being blown.
"Um, who are you?" you ask.
"Oh, me? I guess you can't see," says the voice. "I'm Figgy, one of the former URPG Heads."
You gape. "Wow, really!?"
He laughs. "Indeed. I'm quite famous you know."
There is a pause.
"Are you a woman?" he asks. "Cause if you are..."
A spotlight shoots on, illuminating the stage. Into the light hobbles forward an old man. He looks to be about 87 years old, though he'd tell you he ALWAYS looks 87 years old. He's dressed quite impeccably in a white suit, and you get the impression that he looks strikingly like Mark Twain. Whoever that is.
"PRESENTING," booms a voice. "THE MAGNIFICENT, WONDERFUL, OUTSTANDING, INTREPID, DASHING... WIZARD OF O-"
"AHEM," says the old man.
"I MEAN," continues the announcer, "PRESENTING THE HEAD OF THE URPG... HARRY KIM!"
The crowd cheers wildly. VOLTAGE INCREASES!! +1 COMBO STANDBY!
The old man raises his hands and the cheering dies down.
Then he begins speaking:
Greetings everyone! Welcome to the 2010 Ultra RPG Awards! The votes have been tallied and we now know who's going to be the Next American Idol. But that's not important really.
You want to know who's won for each category. Well, I won't hold you up with more silliness. To be Fair though... Bob Dole, Bob Dole.
Also, if anyone has seen Marth, could you please show him back to his seat? He's been missing since June.
Jack, please put down the damn bottle. I'm signing you up for Alcoholics Anonymous.
And everyone, remember, if you see Raik... run for your lives. No, I'm not kidding.
I think that takes care of the inside joke portion of people that no one remembers. If you don't laugh, I'll Behead You.
Okay, I'm serious now. Sirius Black, Serious.
2010 Ultra RPG Awards
In the category of Favorite Author!
1st Place: Alaskapigeon - 8 votes
2nd Place: Dog of Hellsing, Magikchicken - 6 votes
3rd Place: AceTrainer14, Haze - 5 votes
Congratulations Alaska! Apparently everyone loves your writing! Just remember, there are no pigeons in Alaska!
In the category of Best Author!
1st Place: Kai-Mei - 9 votes
2nd Place: Dog of Hellsing - 8 votes
3rd Place: Scourge - 6 votes
It's only natural that the winner of Some Writing Competition 2010 would also come out on top in the Best Author category. May your quills never run dull and your ink be as grand as the sea. That's what they used to say during the War of 1812. Fun Fact!
In the category of Favorite Roleplayer!
1st Place: Dog of Hellsing - 3 votes
2nd Place: Synthesis - 2 votes
3rd Place: RainbowMoondust, ChainReaction01, Alaskapigeon, HikaruIzumi - 1 vote
This was certainly a crowded field! I guess we don't do a lot of Roleplaying for the Ultra "Roleplaying" Game. Still, Jess, I'm a fan of you too! Keep on chugging out those quality RP posts! I'm rooting for you!
In the category of Best Roleplayer!
1st Place: Dog of Hellsing - 4 votes
2nd Place: ChainReaction01, Junior - 2 votes
3rd Place: Synthesis, GliscorMan, Bumblebee16 - 1 vote
This is sort of like the last category, but different! Oh who am I kidding. Jess is the best roleplayer and everyone's favorite. Alucard shoots you all with his awesome guns.
In the category of Best Coordinator!
1st Place: HikaruIzumi - 7 votes
2nd Place: Feng, Shock64 - 4 votes
3rd Place: Monbrey, JokesterJesse, Pidge, Sec - 2 votes
Izumi, congratulations. You are clearly the most coordinated of us all the bumbling fools. What? That's not what this award means!? That's ridiculous! I'm the Head of the URPG! I know everything there is to Pokemon including all the information about the new Pokemon games, Dark & Light. Anyway, regardless, thank you for your Contest efforts and Happy Birthday!
In the category of Favorite Referee!
1st Place: Monbrey - 18 votes
2nd Place: DrStubbsberg - 10 votes
3rd Place: Pidge, Bumblebee16 - 9 votes
Monbrey. Everyone loves you. Especially when you ref for them. Especially when you ref 6v6 hour-long battles for them. Yes, they all love you. Keep up the good work.
In the category of Best Referree!
1st Place: Monbrey - 21 votes
2nd Place: Pidge - 20 votes
3rd Place: Ataro - 11 votes
Well, look at that. It's Monbrey again! Congratulations. You not only are popular, but very skilled at reffing as well. Especially considering you beat Pidge, one of the smartest (and oldest) members of the URPG. Looks like you can have your cake and eat it too! Mmm... cake...
In the category of Best Grader!
1st Place: Scourge - 11 votes
2nd Place: Magikchicken - 8 votes
3rd Place: Taras Bulba - 7 votes
It's our favorite Scourge of the Stories winning this category! We all love the way she channels George (who is not dead, but may his soul rest in peace) and yells at us to grade more stories. Then cracks the whip down on are already bleeding backs as we beg her for a break. But no... no... she demands that we grade. There are so many stories... so many... it doesn't stop. It never stops...
In the category of Best Ranger!
1st Place: ChainReaction01 - 13 votes
2nd Place: Bumblebee16 - 9 votes
3rd Place: Synthesis - 7 votes
Chain. I must say you're a skilled roleplayer, skilled Ranger, and skilled Dungeon Master. And I don't say that lightly, as someone who loves roleplaying. You truly make the Pokemon come to life... Now to move on to PHASE 2, making those monsters kill those trainers and rule the world! MWA HA HAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!
In the category of Best Judge!
1st Place: Feng - 10 votes
2nd Place: JokesterJesse - 9 votes
3rd Place: Monbrey - 5 votes
Feng. You are #1! You are #1! Now you can get your own TV show like Judge Judy and put people in their place for bringing boring conflicts to your bench. Oh wait, you're not that kind of judge... Awkward...
In the category of Best Battler!
1st Place: Pidge - 21 votes
2nd Place: Haze - 9 votes
3rd Place: Ataro, Monbrey, SiberianTiger - 3 votes
Can't say I'm surprised. Pidge, when the time-travelling Nazis come with their Third Reich Pokemon to take over the grand isle of Great UltraBritain, I will stand behind you. "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." Godwin's Law FTW!
In the category of Best Gym Leader!
1st Place: Pidge - 14 votes
2nd Place: Xalapeno - 12 votes
3rd Place: Haze - 5 votes
And it's Pidge again! I'm just going to say, that's one badge I'm not going to beat him for. On the positive note, I already have that badge from his predecessor so Lucky! The man's a beast when it comes to battling. A beast, get it? Cause he's a Pidgeon? Well, more like a Pidgeot... okay, nm.
In the category of Best Dojo Leader!
1st Place: Monbrey - 23 votes
2nd Place: Magikchicken, Ebail - 9 votes
3rd Place: Alaskapigeon, Kai-Mei, Synthesis - 3 votes
This is sort of a sad category considering that Dojo's will be closing in a few months. They have served their purpose though and we have the new Unova Gym League to open up. Monbrey, though it has been a short time, you have defended you Dojo with honor and skill. Like a true Samurai. Arigato Gozaimasu.
In the category of Favorite Moderator/Official!
1st Place: Pidge - 19 votes
2nd Place: Scourge - 12 votes
3rd Place: HKim - 10 votes
I would like to say that every URPG leader is worthy of recognition. Without these fine men and women, we would not have a URPG. We would not run as smoothly as we do and this game, this community would collapse without them. They have a lot of responsibility and they hold it well.
So Pidge winning is sort of becoming a trend now, isn't it? But really, you deserve it. You go out of your way to help other members and hold yourself up with dignity. You lead and others follow. I cherish your advice as a knowledgeable battler, and good person. You are the example to which others live up to.
In the category of Coolest Member!
1st Place: Monbrey, Haze, Hide in Plain Sight - 6 votes
2nd Place: Ebail, Pidge - 3 votes
3rd Place: Husnain, Feng, Wintervines, WTP, Scourge, Near, iReign - 2 votes
This was quite the crowded field. I guess you can say... that the URPG is naturally cool, so we're all cool and thus, it's hard to figure out who's the coolest. Oh yeah! Monbrey, Haze, HiPS; you are cool kats. If only we could be as cool as you.
In the category of Funniest Member!
1st Place: Alaskapigeon - 14 votes
2nd Place: LS the Door Mat - 7 votes
3rd Place: Pidge - 4 votes
Alaska... you are a character. And I mean that in the best way possible. A character just like Jack's drunken Irish leprechaunism or Ataro's botness or Emma's kindness or Fair's BobDoleness or...
You know what, maybe it's not so great being such a character. And yet... here at the URPG. We're all Characters. You're just a Character among Characters.
Keep up the funny work!
In the category of Nicest Member!
1st Place: Wintervines - 7 votes
2nd Place: HKim - 5 votes
3rd Place: HikaruIzumi, Dragoness, Trainer17, TheEvilDookie - 3 votes
Wintervines, I present you with the "Emma Award" for being the nicest member in the UPRG. Your good heart and kind nature is a shining light for everyone to see and we're all grateful that you care so much about the people around you. And perhaps in this world, which is often full of hatred, we need more like you. People with compassion. Thank you.
In the category of Fastest Growing Member!
1st Place: Monbrey - 31 votes
2nd Place: Buzzer - 9 votes
3rd Place: Magikchicken - 4 votes
Monbrey, you've come a long way. It was not too long ago you were an eager young member with your eyes set on the stars. And now you're flying above them. You told me once that you cared deeply for the URPG and we've all seen that you do indeed. We're all behind you, Monbrey. You're going to go far. Heck, maybe even, someday, you'll be the best. Who knows. Sky's the limit.
In the category of Most Helpful Member!
1st Place: Pidge - 14 votes
2nd Place: Ataro - 9 votes
3rd Place: Bumblebee16 - 6 votes
Hai Pidge. Back so soon? Seriously man, you're taking all the categories.
On a serious note though. Thank you for helping out. It's been a crazy time expanding to Bulbagarden on top of the HG/SS release and the demand has been absolutely crazy. You've helped the URPG overcome the hurdle and now we are prospering like never before. And we're going to need your help even more with the release of B/W. I know you're up to the task. We're all relying on you!
In the category of Most Dedicated Member!
1st Place: Pidge - 18 votes
2nd Place: Ataro - 13 votes
3rd Place: Monbrey - 12 votes
... Pidge wins again.
Can I even say anything more? How high he flies! Like an Eagle soaring on the very winds of Earth itself! How gallant! How wonderful! The very rainbows cry in happiness when they see Pidge!
In the category of Most Intelligent Member!
1st Place: Pidge - 12 votes
2nd Place: DarkUmbreon - 8 votes
3rd Place: Scourge - 7 votes
So... DarkUmbreon is studying to be a Doctor. Did you know that? I suspect that's why he's always so busy.
As for Pidge. You could say that he's not a bird brain. He's so smart that when it comes to battles, he doesn't need to study, he just wings it. He looks upon every challenge with a bird's eye view in order to win. Don't egg him on or he'll beak you down.
In the category of Wish You Were Here!
1st Place: Neighborhood-Guest - 7 votes
2nd Place: Jackson - 4 votes
3rd Place: Loyal Arcanine - 3 votes
Neighborhood-Guest... I hope wherever you are, you are in a happier place.
In the category of Favorite Pokemon!
And the favorite URPG Pokemon is...
... Husnain with 19 votes! Wait a minute... really? This can't be right. Husnain!? That's not even a Pokemon! I demand a recount! No?
Well, in URPG tradition, I guess that means that everyone in the URPG gets a free Husnain. Have fun using him in battle. I heard he has 70 speed or something.
Well, that's it folks! Thank you for voting and Thank you for a wonderful year. If you voted, post in here to claim your $3,000.
Now I gotta go find my brain.