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  1. #16
    EL-OH-EL Italics's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 5

    My corrections are in yellow, my comments in bold. Cool? -- Italics

    Chapter the first:



    Hm. I dunno what to say, really. I'll stay around and see how my feelings develop for this.

    I'M AN UTTER BADASS.
    Also, my fan fics, my episode recaps, and my reviewing badge.

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    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 5

    I understand some of your feelings. I understand it is a bit flawed with the race stuff, but I wanted to make it a bit more diverse. And we learn more about Edmund and his wifes way in handling things in a later chapter, which does answer a lot of your questions and issues you pointed out.

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 5

    Soz for the long delay between parts! Hope you enjoy this one, and look forward to the next exciting part that concludes Part One ;)

    Chapter 6: Planning

    “Get over here right now!”

    Heads turned curiously as Gwenda dragged Victoria out of the stables, tutting and looking like her eyes were about to drop out of her head. Millicent remained slouched on a pile of hay, her buckets of milk being left behind. Victoria smirked and tried not to laugh at how ridiculous Gwenda was being, and finally couldn’t hold the hilarity of being dragged away back any longer: more heads turned as the two disappeared into the wash area, Victoria’s laugh echoing everywhere.

    “Will you stop laughing!” Gwenda scolded once they came to a stop. The wash area was just a secluded area of the stables, with two standpipes to provide water to the slaves, a variety of old troths and metal bathtubs that they cleaned in, and piles of manure from the Miltank they shared the area with.

    “You have to admit, the idea of you acting mature is pretty funny!” Victoria cackled, covering her mouth with her hand to try and silence herself. Gwenda just stamped her foot angrily and huffed, and Victoria sniggered again.

    “Victoria, I am being serious!” Gwenda snapped. “You can’t just go around saying you will run away! Victor or Marvin could have overheard you, and I don’t want to see you getting beaten up by them just because you want to go see some silly festival! No one’s ever run away from here, what makes you think you can?” Victoria had begun to stop laughing, but her happiness had quickly diminished as Gwenda continued to speak, her broad smile turning into a thin lipped scowl.

    “Some silly festival?” Victoria repeated, her eyes flaming. “Some silly festival!” Gwenda took a nervous step backwards, realising her bad choice of words. “I have been admiring this festival since I got to this wretched hell hole! This silly festival is the only thing asides from you that is keeping me sane as my friends disappear around us, as we watch people getting beaten close to death, as I struggle to sleep at night with an empty stomach and filthy clothing! If it wasn’t for the idea of this silly festival, I probably would have let myself get kicked to death within the first month!”

    “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” Gwenda said quickly, looking extremely guilty. “I didn’t realise how important this festival was to you.”

    “Damn right!” Victoria huffed, feeling the tears forming in her eyes. “My dream has been to go to this festival, and I am not going to die until I have gone to Lilycove City and encountered Jirachi! I want to have the opportunity to wish for a better life, not just for me but for all of us slaves! And that’s why I will be able to successfully run away: I actually have a goal to strive for!” As Victoria finished talking, she had begun breaking down in tears, and Gwenda was tearing up as well. The two friends began weeping, collapsing into a tight hug. Gwenda continuously apologised through her tears, and Victoria had to keep saying ‘It’s fine, it’s fine.’

    “I understand why you want to run away,” Gwenda said as they continued to embrace, “but how exactly do you plan on doing it? The fences are far too high, and the doors to the platform are locked at night. And The Minder sleeps in a hut outside for Lucifer’s Cage!” Victoria sniffed and wiped away her tears, listening to what her friend was saying. It was going to be very difficult for them to escape, especially as they were usually tired, weak and in hunger pains by the end of the day.

    “I’m not sure how we are going to escape from here, but I’m sure I’ll think of something!” Victoria said determinedly, trying not to get set back. However, as she turned to Gwenda for her input, she saw her friend’s eyeballs were nearly out of her head. Victoria was about to ask what was wrong when someone coughed behind her.

    “Escape, from where?” Victoria turned around and her eyes nearly fell out as well. Andrew was standing behind them, his shirt being held in his hands. Victoria and Gwenda exchanged brief glances as Andrew walked forwards curiously, both of their eyes focused upon his buff chest. As Andrew had been here for so long, he had developed a very nice body in their arms, and the sun reflecting off his sweat somehow made his bronzed body all the more attractive.

    “What do you want?” Victoria asked briskly, brushing aside what he said. Andrew held his shirt off, which was covered in more than the usual amount of mud.

    “Those Grumpig are getting a bit irritable, and one of them blasted me into the mud with Psychic when I tried to move it into a different pen.” Andrew explained, dunking his shirt into a bucket that could be used for cleaning. Gwenda looked at Victoria with her jaw dropped, mouthing ‘Oh my god’ and pointing at his flexing muscles, and Victoria had to stifle a snigger. However, something Andrew had just said was floating around in her mind, a rough plan quickly forming.

    “So, are you two planning to run away or something?” Andrew asked with a half smile, though as he turned his head his eyes came across as serious. Victoria and Gwenda put on shocked expressions, and than burst out in false laughter.

    “Us, run away!” Victoria said as Gwenda wiped away a false tear of laughter. “You misheard us: I was talking about Millicent, the Miltank we milk, running away sometimes when she gets upset. I was saying that one of these days she’s just going to run off down the lines!” Andrew joined in on the laughter as he ringed his shirt out, though Victoria could tell he didn’t believe her. She looked at Gwenda for support, but found her friend giving her a curious look at the very specific answer.

    “Well, we better head back to the stables and make sure Millicent hasn’t run off!” Victoria said quickly to cover things up. “We’ll see you later Handsome – I mean Andrew…” The teenager didn’t seem to hear, allowing Victoria to grab Gwenda and drag her quickly out of there. Gwenda had let her surprised face get replaced with a smirk, and Victoria decided to ignore the kissing sounds she was making.

    “Oh really mature!” Victoria snapped as they stood in the corner before the stables. Victor and Marvin were telling some others off nearby, so they would have to get back to Millicent quickly. But Gwenda stopped laughing and grabbed Victoria’s arm, staring at the Miltank intensely.

    “Why were you so specific back there?” Gwenda asked. “Why did you keep talking about Millicent?” Victoria’s eyes twinkled mysteriously, the embarrassment of her word slip being pushed behind them as the escape idea took center stage again.

    “If you and I are going to escape, I’m not leaving Millicent behind,” Victoria began explaining with an all-knowing smirk. “and if everything goes to plan, she is going to be the one doing all the breaking out.” Gwenda looked horrified, but Victoria just winked at her and headed back towards their lazy young Miltank, who was unaware of what her milker had planned for her.

    “Madness!” Gwenda sighed and followed after her, though she secretly wanted to know what Victoria had planned. She wanted to leave just as much as she did, and if her friend could think of a good enough escape plan, nothing could hold her back.

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  4. #19
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    I see, you write evil stories. I'll tell you my idea later.
    I love this fic. Like a rethinked version of my ideas.

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    I don't think I just write evil stories :P My stories are a bit dark, but they aren't entirely evil. I look forward to your enxt review

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Well, still. I like dark stories (I say dark stories, not horror stories, horror stories creep the living **** out of me)

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Oh yes, I don't like horror stories that much either. Don't worry: this story is dark but nothing particularly horrific in it

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Well that quite Bliss and that's the way I like it, The Muse song Bliss *bursts into song* I WANT THE PEAS! GIMME THE PEAS!

  9. #24
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Well, I came here through the awards.

    Level of darkness: 16/20

    Well, its bleakness is certainly at the level of a 16/20. Even some of the American slave owners of the 1850's didn't treat their slaves that badly.

    Level of cynicism: 12/20

    Certainly, this is only the level of cynicism present in the setting, and in the characters. I have the feeling that this is going to shift towards the idealism end of the spectrum very soon.

    Setting: 15/20

    Yep, that boy ( forget what his name is now )'s treatment counts as part of the setting. You flower it up with violence, mistreatment, and quite well, even putting it into simply a day in the life.

    Characterization: 14/20

    You do well with the "when you wish upon a star" personality that Victoria has. I'd be like that too, if I were in that situation and wanted to get out of there. My personality is too effeminate for my own good >_>

    Grammar, style, and flow: 6/10

    Despite the serious subject matter, there were still a few parts that... well... you know how I tell this to others. It was blocky. In some parts, you tried to shoehorn some description in... and it just distorted the image a little bit. Overall, though, it still managed to bring the emotion, darkness, etc. out.

    Overall rating: 72/100

    I'll be looking forward to the next few chapters.

    (Can't give a rating on plot yet, you don't really have much of it yet. The past 6 chapters were all about describing the setting and setting up the beginning of the plot. If you must know, the mark would have been 4/20. Not because it's actually bad, but because it isn't even entirely there yet.)
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Thanks for the feedback :) And yes, I understand the plot isn't quite there yet. However, it kick starts over the next chapter ;)

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 6

    Here we have the epic new chapter! :D This is the final chapter of Part One, so I hope you all enjoy it :D And it's nice and long as well.
    NOTE: I have changed the month from April to May, as I realised the date would have April 1st for Chapter One :P


    Chapter Seven: Escape

    May 10th 1910

    Night came quickly to the farm.

    After spending the whole day working up until nearly seven, the slaves would head slowly and mournfully back towards Lucifer’s Cage. They were given cold, pitiful scraps of meat to eat, with the occasional stone cold vegetables and whatever was left over from the Parrish’s breakfast and lunch. They had twenty minutes to eat, though most of the slaves got done with their minimal meals quickly, or were so sore and tired they could barely manage the revolting food. The length was because The Minder had his own dinner to eat, which was usually hot and warm, the smell creeping out and tempting the slaves.

    After dinner, they had ten minutes to make themselves as clean and tidy as possible. There were two troths on either side of the silo, and the different genders would get as much of the grime off as possible. They would then change into their nightclothes and get ready for an inspection from The Minder. He always used this as an opportunity to punish them some more, making someone sleep outside for small things like dirty hands or messed up sheets. If they did something truly “terrible”, than The Minder made them sleep in the freezing mud naked or spend the entire night running around the complex.

    After this malicious mental torture from the twisted old man, as the slaves would stand in fear, worried about being punished for having unclean hair, they would finally be able to sleep. After the long, tiresome days they had, the floor was about the highest comfort they got, and they were pleased to be able to slip away from their horror that was their life.

    However, two slaves weren’t having any relief.

    It had been exactly one week since Victoria and Gwenda had first discussed planning to escape, and tonight they were going to put it into action. They had spent the past six nights planning and preparing for their jailbreak. Several years ago, a trio of boys had tried to escape at the dead of night. Edmund hang their corpses from a tree outside their silo the next morning, each with a bullet wound between their eyes, so the two girls knew they couldn’t just waltz out of here.

    The two monitored their surroundings each night, taking turns to check things over so they didn’t stuff anything up with tiredness. Victoria flirted with one of th male slaves and was able to get his watch and a pen, and they began to record times of when things occurred. After their sleuthing, the girls learnt that there was a guard shift between Victor and Marvin: one from nine pm, their lights out, to two am, and the second from two am to seven am. Edmund would come and check on things if he was tired, which had occurred once on Wednesday and Saturday, and twice the night previously, Monday. The two guards rode Tauros, whilst Edmund rode his Rapidash on Wednesday and once on Monday. Most importantly, the girls learnt that a goods train came past between half past one and half past two.

    With this information, Victoria and Gwenda combined it with the facts they already knew. The Minder slept in a small yet well furnished hut about one hundred metres from the silo, but whilst he could fall asleep very easily, he also could awake easily, as they’d all seen during the fateful escape attempt. Gwenda had also tested the hedge whilst pruning it on Thursday, sneaking some hedge clippers under her dress just in case. The two realised there was some concrete in between the hedges, which hindered their plan of crawling through onto the other side. But they quickly formed a way around this, and the girls had their perfect plan laid out and ready to go.

    Thankfully, everyone fell asleep pretty early that night. It had been a tiresome day as several Tauros had broken free, and they all pitched in to get them back into their pens. Victoria was happy none of the others were awake: they might have tried to talk them out of running, or tried to go with them. The two girls couldn’t handle having that many people with them, as it would attract too much attention if too many fled. But Victoria was sad that they wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye. Whilst she closest with Gwenda, the two girls still got on well with some of the other girls. They all bonded well enough at night, and she was sad to be leaving them all stuck here.

    But the more Victoria thought about it, the more she was glad to be leaving. This farm had been her hell for the past two years, and she wanted nothing more to get out of here. She wanted to leave The Minder, Edmund, Victor, Marvin, Lucifer’s Cage, The Shack, all of it behind! Victoria was ready to leave, and was ready to bring this place down.

    “It’s one thirty now,” Gwenda’s voice whispered through the dark silence nearby, and Victoria nodded slowly. “We need to head off.”

    “I know, I know!” Victoria hissed back. Her nerves were getting the better of her, and she shaking as she slowly and quietly ascended. Moonlight shone through a crack in the wooden wall next to them, highlighting Gwenda’s face. She looked about as nervous as Victoria felt, and the two friends exchanged reassuring smiles.

    “Got everything?” Gwenda asked. She had a few small knick knacks and her tattered, black covered book tucked down her blouse on one side, the only items she owned. The hedge clippers were sticking out of her belt as well, ready for use in case someone got in their way.

    “Nearly,” Victoria replied, and looked mournfully down at the few things she owned. It was pitiful how they had so little freedom, but Victoria treasured the two things she owned. She cradled her mother’s hand mirror for a moment, thinking about her lost parents. How would they feel to know the life she was living? Victoria rarely got a chance to think about them, but she knew they’d want her to move on, not be stuck here.

    “Don’t worry, I will.” Victoria whispered, and put the mirror in her pocket. She than grabbed two articles: the old yellowed one she’d had for years, and one she had cut out from Grace’s newspaper last week, both of them about the Star Festival. The girls knew little about the festival, but they knew the new one was in a few weeks, and they needed to be there on the night.

    “Come on!” Gwenda said, grabbing Victoria by the arm. “We can’t be late!” Victoria put the articles in with the mirror, feeling slightly more determined than before, and followed Gwenda. The two girls moved straight through the girls, as there was always space here so people could move down the stairs if need be. One of the panels creaked as Victoria stepped on it, but they couldn’t bother about that now. The girls moved quickly and as stealthily as possible down the staircase, which ended right by the door. None of the boys stirred as Victoria and Gwenda nearly leapt off the stairs and rushed outside through the open doorway.

    It was a cool night, with a gentle breeze striking them as soon as they got out. The stars twinkled magically above their heads, and the hedge leaves danced silently around them in the wind. The hedge looked particularly tall and daunting in the dark, but the girls couldn’t worry about their plan failing now: they needed as much confidence as possible.

    “Remember, stick to the hedge as we run up!” Victoria reminded Gwenda. They needed to run up the untouched areas of the farm in order to remain undetected. They had stolen some black clothing whilst doing the laundry, and were wearing matching black shirts and an old dress of Grace’s they’d cut up and tied in knots to stay up. Victoria looked at Gwenda, waiting for a response. Her friend was just standing there, her eyes looking watery in the moonlight.

    “What’s wrong?” Victoria asked, though she had a feeling of what was to come.

    “I… I… I just want to say… if something bad happens, you are my best friend!” Gwenda wailed, and sobbed as she collapsed into a hug with Victoria. Victoria was touched by this, and felt her own tears building up. The two stood there for a moment, embracing as they cried silently. It was a risky thing they were about to do, and they both knew there was a chance of dying. It was good to have this reassurance, and Victoria would have happily stayed like this than go and risk her life. But she suddenly heard a gasp, and quickly let go of Gwenda and leapt backwards.

    “Who’s there?” Victoria whispered into the night. Gwenda turned around in fright, wiping her tears away. A figure appeared from behind Lucifer’s Cage, and the girl’s jaws nearly dropped. Andrew was standing there, wearing absolutely nothing, but with a bucket placed conveniently in front of his genitals. Victoria felt her breathe leave her, and Gwenda had to steady her to prevent her from fainting in shock.

    “What are you two doing here?” Andrew asked in an angry whisper.

    “We could ask you the same thing!” Gwenda smirked. Andrew shifted uncomfortably, rather embarrassed about being caught here, but Victoria thought it was one of the greatest sights she’d ever seen.
    “My clothes were dirty, so Minder is making me put all my sheets and clothes in a bucket of mud and than wash them out,” Andrew explained timidly, “but don’t change the subject! What are you two planning on doing?”

    “We’re getting out of here,” Gwenda explained. Victoria remembered why they were here, and turned away from Andrew’s chest to get a grip of herself. Andrew looked horrified, and he nearly dropped the bucket in surprise.

    “You’re… what the… how… escape….?” He couldn’t put a sentence together in his surprise, and Victoria used this to her advantage.

    “You can’t tell anyone you saw us, alright? We need to get out of here quickly: our train should be coming past any minute, and we need to go and get Millicent.” Victoria wanted to say goodbye, let her emotions she had been secretly harbouring about him come out. But before anyone could say another word, an angry voice suddenly echoed across the darkness.

    “What’s going on out here?” The Minder bellowed. “Is that you Andrew, or someone else?” The three of them froze: if either of the girls moved now, the wretched old man might notice them, and then they’d get into trouble.

    “What should we do?” Victoria hissed as quietly as possible at Gwenda. Her friend was shaking in fear, tears beginning to come down now. Than, without warning, Gwenda turned and sprinted up the slow incline towards the Parrish house.

    “GWENDA!” Victoria screamed, not caring if The Minder heard her: he’d surely notice something moving across the field, and he’d know it was a slave. With a quick glance at Andrew, who eyes were bulging and frightful, Victoria chased after her friend. The Minder bellowed something at them that Victoria couldn’t make out, and then the sharp sound of whistle cut through the silent night. Their plan was ruined now: whoever was on duty would surely come straight for them, and they’d never make it to Millicent now. The girls would never be able to escape... they wouldn’t even survive the night.

    “GWENDA YOU FOOL!” Victoria bellowed, her legs pounding against the hard ground. Why was she even bothering to run? A loud shout sounded behind them, and the sound of a Tauros running filled the air. Victoria knew why: she had to be with Gwenda, she couldn’t die without being with her friend. But Gwenda was ignoring her question, sweat beginning to mingle with her tears as she raced towards the fancy house and stables.

    “MILLICENT!” She screamed into the night. “MILLICENT, WE NEED YOU! MILLICEEEEEENT!” Victoria was getting tired from running, and she had no idea if the Miltank would even be able to hear them. They hadn’t consulted Millicent about it, just hoping she would be awake when they arrived. Well, they definitely needed to be awake now. The pounding was getting louder, and Victoria glanced around: Victor was on patrol tonight, and his Tauros looked just as angry as he did as they got closer and closer towards the helpless girls. But to make things worse, another figure was racing towards them: Edmund’s Rapidash was lighting up the surrounding area, his flames illuminating the furious, twisted face their cruel master was wearing. Victoria knew they were dead now. There was no way Edmund would let them escape.

    “MILLICEEEENT, QUICKLY!” Gwenda screamed again, but she already sounded hoarse and tired, and Victoria hadn’t realised she had caught up with her. She grabbed her friend and pulled her to a stop.

    “You idiot! We could have gone back upstairs!” Victoria hissed, watching fearfully as the two Parrish’s got closer.

    “It was… worth a … try… don’t you… think?” Gwenda panted, her legs nearly buckling. Victoria simply nodded and pulled her into another tight embrace. She could understand why she had done it. They had put so much effort into this plan: staying up all night, keeping their notes secret from the girls, stealing the clothes and hedge clippers. Victoria probably would have sprinted off herself a few seconds later if Gwenda hadn’t gone first, just to see if they could make it. Yet they hadn’t gotten there in time. All this effort… planning… getting their hopes up… all for nothing.

    “FLAMETHROWER!” Edmund’s furious voice screamed into the night, and Gwenda screamed as a jet of fire came shooting at them. Victoria pulled her to the ground, waiting for the flames to shoot over them. But the Flamethrower didn’t touch them: Victoria looked around fearfully, and stared in shock as the grass began to burn red and orange. Smoke was already beginning to rise up as a semi-circle formed around the girls, trapping them in. Victoria could feel her tears building up. They were stuck here now. There was no way they could escape. They were cornered, sitting Psyducks for what was about to happen to them.

    “We’ve got them Father, we’ve got them!” Victor shouted gleefully as his Tauros came to a halt, pacing the ground on the spot and shooting nasty looks at the girls. Edmund didn’t reply: he just brought his Rapidash to a stop alongside the flames. The farmer was staring at the girls with a mixture of twisted rage and sickening happiness. He was furious that they had tried to escape, but now felt like a hunter that had finally caught the creature he was after.

    “You girls should have known that you can’t escape from these walls!” Edmund snarled, and let out a malicious, booming laugh. Victor tried to copy it, but it sounded forced and stupid, just like his attitude. Victoria and Gwenda clutched each other tightly as the laughing continued, both of them crying desperately. They could hear a whistle in the distance, knowing it was their train that would be coming past soon. They had come so close to escaping, so close to breaking free from this hellish farm. Let him kill us! Victoria thought sadly. We’ve already lost… there’s nothing he can do.

    “TAAAANK!” A thunderous ‘moo’ broke through the laughter, and Edmund snapped around. Victoria and Gwenda exchanged looks of excitement, feeling their hope rising up again. There was Millicent, running down towards them all, a look of pure fury on her face. It was odd to see her bouncing and hobbling towards them, but they knew she was doing it for them.

    “Miltank Mil Miiiiiilll!” Millicent bellowed. Edmund’s happiness faded away as quickly as it had come, his plan for an easy kill dashed.

    “Fire Blast!” He commanded.

    “You use something too Tauros!” Victor said stupidly. Rapidash neighed and opened his mouth wide, releasing a powerful ball of fire that turned and rotated, growing outwards and forming into what looked like a star. Tauros glowed yellow, and a bolt of electricity was emitted from him, nearly frying Victor as it was released.

    “MILLICENT, NO!” Victoria screamed, but the Miltank kept on running, straight towards the attacks. Seconds before they struck, Victoria swore Miltank glowed white, but the burst of yellow and orange completely covered it. Gwenda let out a sob as Millicent rolled backwards, landing in the bushes Grace kept for herbs and spices. Their only chance of survival was gone, and Edmund was even angrier now.

    “We’ll have to put that stupid thing down in the morning!” He hissed, turning his attention back towards the girls. The farmer pulled something out from his pocket: it was a shining silver revolver, almost glowing in the firelight. Edmund clutched the wooden handle and grinned viciously at the girls. Victor began laughing dopily again, and Victoria and Gwenda backed up towards the hedge.
    “Say your prayers girls!” Edmund hissed with delight, and put his finger on the trigger.

    “Wait!” Everyone turned around, and for a shining second, the girls thought someone else had come to their rescue. Was it Andrew, Grace, one of the other slaves? No. It was The Minder, limping towards them as fast as possible, a look of pure delight on his face to rival Edmund’s.

    “You don’t think you could kill them without me, could you?” The old man laughed, coming to a rest by leaning on his cane. Edmund laughed and nodded, and turned back towards the girls. They had lost all hope now. The sound of the steam engine chugging along the track was getting closer and closer. Victoria and Gwenda’s hands interlocked and they shut their eyes. This was it… they were going to die.

    “Goodbye girls,” Edmund snarled, repositioning his gun. “It’ll be a pity to have to clean your blood up, but it’ll be worth it!” The Minder and Victor laughed loudly, and Victoria and Gwenda tensed up, waiting for the bullet, waiting for the end….

    “YAAAAAAH!”

    “MIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!”

    Within a second, everything changed.

    Edmund paused, his finger a centimetre away from pulling the trigger, and turned around. Two cries had appeared, one on either side of the semi circle. Victoria and Gwenda opened their eyes in shock, and saw that the three men were in a state of panic now, wondering what was going on. One cry was obviously Millicent, but they had no idea who the other was.

    “It’s Andrew!” Victoria whispered. The fire was beginning to spread across the grass, lighting up even more of the fields. She could see Andrew running as fast as possible, holding something in both of his hands. The Minder turned around, hearing his footsteps approaching, but was too late: Andrew let out another shout and swung around, revealing he was carrying two buckets in his hands. One smashed into the Minder’s stomach, causing him to cry out and double over, while the second smashed into his head. The vicious old man was sent sprawling backwards, his cane and whip flying from his hand.

    “Shit!” Edmund hissed, watching as the Minder rolled backwards before slumping into a heap. The surprise appearance of Andrew had thrown him, and he needed to get things back into his court. But as he turned his focus back onto the gun, Edmund didn’t realise Andrew was still spinning. With a sudden shout, the male slave let go of one bucket, the one filled with mud.

    “DIVE!” Victoria cried, and pulled Gwenda to the ground before Edmund could fire. The bucket spiralled through the air and smashed into Edmund’s head, just as he pulled the trigger. The bullet smashed into the hedge, doing no damage to either of the girls whatsoever. Edmund slumped off Rapidash and onto the ground, his gun falling into the flames. The bucket had broken on impact, and the mud had been scatted across Rapidash, getting onto his flames and into his eyes.

    “DAASSSSSHHH!” The fiery Pokemon neighed, blinded by the mud. He released a Flamethrower in his rage, but in his blind rage, the jet of flames shot off towards the wrong target: Victor had realised it was all up to him, and had been able to direct Tauros towards Andrew when the flames suddenly struck him. He screamed girlishly as he was blasted off Tauros, landing onto the fire and writhing in pain.
    Victoria and Gwenda lay on the ground for a minute, taking in what had just happened. They thought they were going to be killed. They thought their plans were over. But they’d been saved. The Minder and Edmund were both unconscious, and Victor was screaming in pain. Marvin would be here soon, but they needed time to take it all in…. they had another chance to be free!

    “What the hell were you thinking?” The two girls looked up, still breathing heavily in shock. Andrew was emptying the other bucket over the flames, dousing them with the water inside. Victoria only noticed now that he was wearing clothes, which were soaking wet, and wished he had left them off. But she shook her head, needing to focus on the situation at hand.

    “What do you mean?” Gwenda said, leaping to her feet, shaking slightly from the shock of the situation. Rapidash was still fuming, whilst Tauros seemed rather stunned by the situation.

    “You know trying to runaway from here is so risky!” Andrew snapped. “I don’t want to see anyone getting killed so I had to save you, but if I stay behind, they’ll kill me instead!”

    “Well we’re so sorry that we hate it here!” Gwenda snapped back, glaring up at the much taller boy. “Our plan could have worked if The Minder hadn’t woken up, and-”

    “And if you hadn’t run off as well!” Andrew added, and Gwenda’s eyes narrowed. Victoria, sensing the tension, stood between them.

    “There’s no time to argue- listen!” She said, and the two fell silent. The chugging of the steam engine was getting louder and louder, meaning it was nearly about to come past. “If we want to get out of here, we need to get onto the other side of this hedge!” Andrew wanted to ask something, but just sighed and shrugged: they had it sorted, so he had to trust them.

    “Now, what happened to Millicent?” Victoria said. “She cried out just after you did…” There was a loud thump, and as if on cue, Millicent suddenly landed next to them, having leapt over the flames. She was indeed glowing white, and smiling rather proudly about something. Victoria and Gwenda instantly hugged her, unable to contain themselves: their old friend, and now possible saviour, was here!

    “Tank Mil Mil Miltank!” Millicent said happily, and stared down at the flames, the unconscious bodies (Victor had stopped screaming and writhing) and Tauros, who backed away rather nervously.

    “No time for a hug or a catch up!” Andrew said irritably, as it looked like Gwenda had been about to say something to the Miltank. “Our train’s coming, so we need to get out of here, quickly!”

    “Y-y-your coming w-with us?” Victoria stuttered. Her heart was suddenly in a flutter, and she almost completely forgot about the situation they were in. She and Andrew… together at last.

    “Of course I am! I’m not staying here to be killed!” Andrew replied shortly, and stared at the unconscious figures. They were all monsters, and they would kill any of them if they had the chance. The steam engine was almost coming past: it was time to leave.

    “Miltank Mil Mil!” Millicent had worked out what they were doing, and she stared towards the wall, looking very determined. Victoria and Gwenda went to let go of her, but Millicent pulled them in closer. She pointed at Andrew and then at her neck, the message rather simply. Andrew nodded and jumped onto her back, putting his arms around her neck. Millicent walked towards the hedge, the sound of the steam engine very audible on the other side. She put her hands against the leafy hedge and shut her eyes. Her body shone a dazzling white, and the three were nearly blinded.

    “TAAAAAAAAAAAANK!” She mooed. Victoria shut her eyes as the hedge was suddenly blasted apart. The light was so bright she could see it through her eyelids, but it disappeared seconds after the hedge was destroyed. Victoria blinked and stared through the hole: the leafy vine and the stone wall had been obliterated, with a hole large enough for Millicent to get through.

    “This is it… we’re finally free!” Victoria whispered. Her heart was pounding, her body shaking, her mind racing… it was finally happening: she was finally leaving.

    “MIL!” Millicent boomed dramatically, and she ran through the hole. The vines and the jagged rock scratched their backs as they moved through, leaving Miltank Meadows behind them. The goods train was moving quickly past, gathering speed as it began to head down the incline towards Olivine City. The train was on the track closest to the hedge, and Victoria was glad it hadn’t been damaged by the attack Millicent had used. Millicent leapt dramatically forwards, her head glowing a mixture of pink and blue. A wagon was right in front of them, and the door to it was blown apart when Millicent’s head touched it. They landed on the wooden floor of the wagon, rolling off Millicent and hitting the crates stacked high around them.

    They all lay there for a second, breathing deeply, all of their minds racing. Than Andrew began to laugh. It seemed like a strange thing to do after what had happened, but he just began laughing. Within seconds, Gwenda began laughing as well, snorting in a cutesy fashion every few seconds. Victoria couldn’t deny herself and began laughing too. She crawled towards where the door should have been and stared out of it: the hedge was flying past them, the train picking up speed and leaving the flat surface behind. And there, in the distance, was Olivine. Victoria could only see little pinpricks of light, not being close enough to see anything else, but it was the most beautiful sight she had ever seen.

    Finally, she was free.


    COMING SOON:
    Part Two: The Voyage of the Johto Jewel

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  12. #27
    Get the cool shoeshine! Glitchitar's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 7

    Wow. Just, wow. Amazing. Can't wait for the next chatter now. My mouse covered the el in Jewel, so I thought it said The Voyage of the Johto Jewel.

  13. #28
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 7

    :P That would be a whole other story :P Glad you enjoyed it :D This is my favourite chapter so far

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  14. #29
    ポケモン Tsutarja's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 7

    Time for a review exchange! You have a great story going on right here. :D

    As much as sadistic those things are they are doing to their slaves, I can't help not to be impressed by how realistic you made your story to be. I rarely see those concepts in the stories, so I'd was surprising to see you take on that idea. I also finally understand the title!

    I really like Victoria, she's a girl for who I actually feel bad about and who has one great goal she's striving for - to meet Jirachi and help her friends slaves at the farm. While it was kinda obvious that she would manage to escape with Gwenda and Andrew (as they were the only two characters with whom she pretty much interacted), I really like how used the fact they befriended one of the Miltanks in their own favor, so they could escape. I realize that the plot hasn't really begun yet, but I do hope you don't let Victoria meet Jirachi that easily (if that's planned to happen anyway) because it would kinda ruin the realistic aspect of your story.

    Speaking of other characters, I absolutely despise Edmund, Victor and The Minder. I do like Grace (the only nice one of the family) but I hate that little bitch, Judith. lol

    Anyway, I'm really looking forward to part two! The festival is one thing I'm looking forward too! :D

    I think it's kinda lame that more people are not reviewing this because it's an awesome story with nice, established characters so I'll be keeping up with these things from now on. Keep it up!
    Last edited by Tsutarja; 23rd April 2011 at 04:35 AM.

  15. #30
    The Dimension Wizard Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: A Wish on Freedom- Part 1 Chapter 7

    Well I gotta say I really like this fic. At first it seemed like a very offshot idea, mostly because it's too unheard of I was wondering if you'll be able to get it right, but you did. While it's indeed weird to find a story like this you managed to put it to good use and it turned out to be really interesting and exciting.

    Your characters are well established, even though we don't really get a feel on their personalities mainly because they seem to show different sides continuously I'm able to grasp what they feel and what they go through, personally I would've liked if Edmund had died or something during that last chapter since that would've been a much better ending, but then there wouldn't be a purpose for the rest of the fic.

    While the first six chapters seemed to be going slow, I know what it means to have to go through introductory chapters, and it can be a real pain in the ass.

    One thing though, if you're going to do fan service, do it from both sides really because if it's all gonna be about Andrew then it's only fair for you to have the girls give some too.

    Other than that it's good, so far my least favorite chapter was the fourth one, not because it was bad but because of the horror and well, I personally would've liked if Victoria had done something to protect that other guy.

    Sorry if I took too long and if this review is shorter than the one you gave me, it's just that I suck at coming up with things to say when I have too many things in my head.

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