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Thread: When Evil Meets Evil (Book 1) (COMPLETED)

  1. #16
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    not bad, but like before you have some errors.
    1- correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Blackthorn city in Johto? and even if you knew that then why would they attack it when they want Kanto?
    2- you have a lot of typos and spelling mistakes
    3- some grammatical issues and words that don't exist like "unflyable" try "grounded"
    I suggest you revise the chapter find those mistakes and correct them such as: Shortley-shortly, rulur-ruler, missle-missile.....
    best of luck
    Last edited by Thabet; 21st June 2010 at 08:12 AM. Reason: To avoid further embarassment

  2. #17
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Thankyou I forgot to spell check this Chapter so when I looked through it right now I was just like I am so stupid. I spell checked the wrong Chapter.
    And I made the Blackthorn mistake. I changed it to Celadon.

  3. #18
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    2- you have alot of typos and spelling mistakes
    The fact that your bolded word is a typo itself isn't helping... "a lot" is two words.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  4. #19
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Quote Originally Posted by Zekurom View Post
    The fact that your bolded word is a typo itself isn't helping... "a lot" is two words.
    Thats actually really funny.

    BTW: I fixed Part 4. I didnt relize I posted the bad copy.

  5. #20
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Well, *Ahem* I didn't know that every word I typed was being put under the microscope.
    And I admit that WAS a typo on my behalf, Ol' mighty Thabet with his spelling prowess has been conquered!
    Touche
    -you know that was funny, Lol-
    Sincerly, Thabet

  6. #21
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Please dont take it affencive. It was just a funny qauicidince.

  7. #22
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Quote Originally Posted by alster08 View Post
    Please dont take it affencive. It was just a funny qauicidince.
    Was that on purpose, too?
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  8. #23
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Quote Originally Posted by alster08 View Post
    Please dont take it affencive. It was just a funny qauicidince.
    I never did. I was just.... acknowledging my mistake.

  9. #24
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Oh ok then. I guess we are back to the fic.

  10. #25
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 4 Posted)

    Thanks to all that have commented. I am ready to post Part 5 of the 8 part saga. This is a very epic chapter with Archie and Maxie battling. The odds are high on both teams sides. This is a very Very long Chapter. Here it is Part 5.



    Part 5 Water vs. Fire


    Team Aqua gathered their needed materials and were ready to move on towards their next opponent of terror. Archie continued to steer the submarine through the large bodies of water.

    "Today is another big day and we shall control another piece of land in Kanto," laughed Archie. The Team Aqua professor walked up to Archie to get him caught up on the latest news.

    "Archie, we aren't the only team in Kanto. On the Kanto news cast it reported that Team Rocket, Team Magma, and Team Galactic are also involved."

    "This is impossible. I am the only one who should be in Kanto,"shrieked Archie punching the wheel with his fist. "You better let the others know that we are the ones who will control Kanto. Let them no if we fail to accomplish our mission they all better no how to swim thirty miles in the ocean."

    The professor delivered the message to the grunts to make sure they understand the frightening threat. They all took in the threat that was sent to them by their leader Archie. They all made sure that they were prepared for unexpected emergencies.

    Archie was all alone in the steering room of the submarine. He began to talk to the air and to himself.

    "I tried to help the world, None of them understood the task of my team. I tried to help but they just ran us down. They did not give us a chance. Now I am done helping the world. I will go against the world. The world had made me mad. I will make them mad."

    The words echoed in the closed room. The words popped from wall to wall. Archie raised the submarine up to land. They were finally near the South Coastal Lines of Kanto.

    Archie studied the Kanto map to make sure that this was the right way to Fuchsia City. Their next City of terror was not to big but they surly were not weak. Many tough trainers gather around that area. It is one of the most peaceful place in Kanto because of its beaches and flat lands. As Archie stopped the submarine a nearby plane landed right in front of them.

    "Team Magma!"

    **********

    "Could that be Team Aqua. That looks like their submarine," questioned Maxie landing their plane. "So those little copycats think they can control Kanto. This makes me laugh. Archie is a silly man. Let's take care of them. It will only take a heartbeat."

    The Team Magma Grunts exited their plane moving towards Team Aqua's giant submarine. The Team Aqua Grunts did not let them get close to their submarine because it was their only way in traveling.

    "Attention all Team Magma Grunts. Make sure you take out Team Aqua so we can get on with world domination," announced Maxie walking back into the plane. Maxie relaxed in his seat watching the action take place outside of his flying aircraft.

    "What are you doing in my plane." asked Maxie turning around to find Archie standing behind him. "Are you afraid your Team will lose to mine."

    "Maxie, what are you doing in Kanto. This was supposed to be my chance to control the Kanto. Not for you to control the Kanto," replied Archie.

    "If you think your team is so better than mine, lets see who wins." said Maxie standing from his seat.

    "I have a better idea. Me, you, Pokemon Battle. Who ever wins stays to control Kanto while the loser is sent back to Hoenn," suggested Archie taking another step closer to Maxie.

    "I accept your offer. Its quiet obvious of who will win. Is it not... Archie," said Maxie standing up. "But lets do it outside. This plane cost me a fortune."

    The action between the two opposing teams continued building up more violence as time passed slowly. Archie and Maxie walked outside to find a area where it was flat and away from the action.

    "How about a two on two with no substitutions," suggested Maxie letting his opponent choose the match.

    "That seems fine." replied Archie finding the perfect spot to stand for the battle.

    Archie stood tall and firm in his area pulling a Pokeball from his pocket.

    "Make me proud... Crobat." Crobat appeared out of Archie's Pokeball, flying up in the clear air.

    Maxie took his position and prepared for the important battle of Kanto domination. Maxie threw out his Pokeball to reveal his top Pokemon... Camerupt.

    "You wont be able to take down my Camerupt Archie, because my Pokemon is so big and heavy and yours is just a light weight bat," informed Maxie, laughing at the site of the small, flying bat.

    "I wouldn't be laughing so much Archie because my Crobat as the sky, while yours can move slowly because of its weight." replied Archie, dinning Maxie's opinion.

    The battle began with the heat rising on each side of the stressful battle that would depend on who will be able to control Kanto.

    "Crobat we will start off this battle with a big chunk. Use bite and send pain through its body." demanded Archie. They had the poison advantage, which helps Archie by a long run.

    Crobat flew through the air moving right then left right towards Camerupt's big body. The Crobat plied into its soft fur and Camerupt let out a shriek so loud that Crobat could not continue the attack.

    Crobat backed away from the sound of the noise. Maxie stood up and made his move and was glad that Camerupt had a loud voice.

    "When Crobat is coming close just step on it and he would be through. Till then use Ember." ordered Maxie not holding back any mercy. Camerupt took giant steps towards Crobat. Crobat flew through the air moving at a constant motion. Camerupt could not get a target at Crobat. It moved to fast for Camerupt to sense.

    "Just use it Camerupt. Take a chance. If you miss just use it again." suggested Maxie, humiliated by Camerupt and his bad aim.

    The flame popped out of the mini volcanoes on Camerupts back. The small flame swirled around and landed on Crobat who fell to the bare ground unexpectedly.

    "That's the correct way Camerupt. Keep this up and we will win in no time." exclaimed Maxie putting his fist down.

    Crobat rose back in the air panting. Camerupt did not have a chance to finish it off. Crobats wind was burned badly but it wasn't enough to keep the tough bat down.

    "Crobat, we can not afford to lose now. We have to win or we will be back in the dreadful Hoenn,"explained Archie, avoiding failure. "Now be sure you get him good because this could decide our Victory against this dreadful Camerupt. Poison Fang now!"

    The Crobat continued at the Camerupt with mighty speed. Camerupt was blinded by the speed and was sent to the floor by the toxic poison.

    "Get up Camerupt. What in the world are you doing," Camerupt continued to quiver on the ground. The poison reached his head and it fainted quickly. "You have got to be kidding me. Camerupt you have not made me proud. You let this little bat get to your head."

    "That's the way to do it Crobat. We are victorious at last," Archie jumped for joy letting out these powerful words.

    "Don't get your hopes up Archie. Did you forget this is a two on two battle with no substitutions?" said Maxie, bumming Archie's joy.

    Many of the Grunts stopped as they saw their tough leaders fight against each other. They gathered to the side to watch the excitement rise.

    Maxie was down one Pokemon and that meant he had only one more to go. Archie's hopes were very high and as long as no problems were found, he was going to win.

    Maxie withdrew Camerupt to rest in his Pokeball. Maxie searched for his last chance. He picked up the Pokeball and sent out his final Pokemon for the intense battle.

    "Lets show them... Mightyena," The vicious wolf Pokemon appeared on the grassy floor. Mightyena was prepared for the showdown. "If you fail me now, I will make sure something bad happens," Maxie continued to threaten his Pokemon while Archie laughed and watched.

    "Come on Maxie. We don't have all day you know," said Archie interrupting Maxie. Archie was very excited and began to get too cocky.

    "Yes, I am now ready to meet victory," responded Maxie, forgetting about his inpatient opponent. Archie hated waiting. It was one of the things that bugged him the most.

    Mightyena began to jump around, moving closer to Crobat. Crobat flew away every time Mightyena took steps towards him. Finally Mightyena leaped so far his paw caught in Crobats sensitive wing.

    Crobat yelped as Mightyena brought it to the ground, tearing its vital body parts. The Team Magma Grunts went "wow" while the Team Aqua Grunts just moaned and sighed.

    Crobat wiggled from Mightyena's possession. One wing was torn badly and Crobat glidden until he reached the ground to meet his doom. Mightyena chased after Crobat, but by the time Mightyena reached Crobat, he already fainted.

    Archie sighed and returned Crobat to his Pokeball. "At least you did something," groaned Archie beginning the neck on neck match again, with one Pokemon left for both battlers.

    He threw out his last Pokemon for the serious battle. The large Pokemon stood face to face and said "Ludicolo, Ludicolo." The playful Ludicolo laughed and hopped until Archie forced him to stop his unneeded silliness.

    "Ludicolo, this is a serious match and I am leaving my trust on you. I have trained you well, now show me how much I taught you," said Archie with is hopes up, but head down.

    Ludicolo was also determined because this was the first time Ludicolo was in a real battle that actually counted for something important. Ludicolo was confused that he was chosen instead of Team Aqua's Leader best trained Pokemon.

    Mightyena dashed directly towards Ludicolos sensitive face. Archie covered his eyes avoiding embarrassment. With Archie still covering his eyes, the Team Aqua Grunts screamed and shouted.

    Ludicolo stopped Mightyena from getting to his delicate face. Archie shouted in pride. He hadn't expected Ludicolo to stop the wolf type Pokemon's claws. Ludicolo stood in pride waving his hands to the earsplitting audience with is foot planted in Mightyena's furry back.

    "What are you doing. Don't let that silly thing plant his foot on you," Maxie was very angry and most could tell because of his extremely red face that looked like boiling lava. Mighyena tried to wiggle free from Ludicolo's clutches but it was no us. It was caught tight between the ground and his large foot.

    "OK, now its time to finish him off. We are not stopping now. Quick use Brick Break," demanded Archie. Ludicolo's fist shined bright as he prepared the big move. His glowing fist slammed into Mightyena's face and he squealed from the huge, powerful, and amazing hit that could destroy Team Magma as they knew it.

    Mightyena finally got loose from Ludicolos feet with major damages to it's small face and furry back. Mightyena barly stood on his four hind legs with one of them beind badly sprained form the amount of running.

    Maxie sighed in releif and continued to order Mightyena around. "Mightyena, go at him with all you got. Make sure your claws dig deep into its skin."

    Ludicolo was now afraid as he knew what Mightyena was ordered to do. Ludicolo questioned if he could repeat his sucessful actions that brought Mightyena to the ground.

    Mightyena scrambled on his feet tripping and slpping after each quick step. His spained ankle didn't do the wolf any good and Maxie was through.

    Ludicolo hadn't moved a step since he was released and was already winning. As Mightyena continued to fall, when he took a step closer to Ludicolo fear dropped and now he was ecxited. This was a chance to show his demandent boss that he is Pokemon battling material.

    Mightyena finally reached the proud Ludicola and tried to jump but only did a little hop that reached Ludicolo's s chest. Mightyena fell to the ground in front of Ludicolo. Ludicolo helped Mightyena up from the ground, making Archie very mad.

    "What are you doing helping the other team," scolded Archie. Mightyena was brought back on his legs but then was sent flying back to the ground by Ludicolo's shining fist once again.

    Mightyena was on the ground with his second leg sprained. The battle was over with Mightyena done for the match that led to big outcomes.

    Archie ran to Ludicolo to thank him for defeating Mightyena. Maxie tried to escape but was stoped by the Team Aqua Grunts. Archie grabbed Maxie and made sure he was going back to Hoenn where he and his grunts belonged.

    Maxie kept his word and sent the Team Magma Grunts into the Magma Plane. As the Plane acended Maxie shouted "I will be back and I will control Kanto."

    Archie and the Team Aqua Grunts jumped in joy at the site of Team Magma leaving. Archie sent the grunts to work again.

    "Now that they are out of the picture, Lets go control Fuchsia City," Archie and his grunts ran to Fuchsia City to find it already abandoned. Archie searched the grounds and found the Team Magma flag. Team Magma had already marked the land.

    "I dont understand. Why did Team Magma return to Fuchsia City if they had already ran everyone out," said Archie pulling out the Team Magma flag and shreading it with his hands.

    "At least this was easy because this is now Team Aqua's," remarked Archie. He placed the Team Aqua flag into the ground marking their new territory.

  11. #26
    Brock's Pikachu LightningTopaz's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 5 Posted) Please Read

    First of all, why are Maxie and Archie in Kanto? (although you probably have a reason back in Episode 1)

    Second of all, the dialogue just doesn't flow well, and seems scripted, in a way.

    Third of all, it would help if you described the Pokemon a little more--pretend I'm not familiar with Pokemon--how would you describe them to me.
    My URPG stats: Maya's status

    SuBuWriMo status: 28,103 words in all!

  12. #27
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 5 Posted) Please Read

    Nice work Alster! I agree, your story could stand for some more description and detail within the writing. Just try to concentrate on showing the reader what is going on with your words!

    I love the idea of the story though! Please continue! I look forward to reading more.

  13. #28
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 5 Posted) Please Read

    Thank You for commenting! I apriciate it.

  14. #29
    Shelled Hikikomori Omanyte!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 5 Posted) Please Read

    Before I begin, please forgive my grammar. My spell check commited suicide and is unable to work for the time being. :/

    I am trying not to sound rude either, so quote me/PM me if I sound rude so I can edit my post



    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    not bad, but like before you have some errors.
    1- correct me if I'm wrong but isn't Blackthorn city in Johto? and even if you knew that then why would they attack it when they want Kanto?
    2- you have alot of typos and spelling mistakes
    3- some grammatical issues and words that don't exist like "unflyable" try "grounded"
    I suggest you revise the chapter find those mistakes and correct them such as: Shortley-shortly, rulur-ruler, missle-missile.....
    best of luck
    You are right, Blacktorn City is in Johto, not Kanto. It is pretty far as well, so I guess this was an error in the demographics (or geography) from our writer.

    And yeah, the bold "alot" mistake was petty funny, but you do have a point, good thing Alster fixed it afterwards; there might be a few more, but I failed to see them, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by LightningTopaz View Post
    First of all, why are Maxie and Archie in Kanto? (although you probably have a reason back in Episode 1)

    Second of all, the dialogue just doesn't flow well, and seems scripted, in a way.

    Third of all, it would help if you described the Pokemon a little more--pretend I'm not familiar with Pokemon--how would you describe them to me.
    Alster did mention something about their plans failing in Hoenn and have them make another attempt in Kanto previously. It´s true that he didn´t explain much about what happened in Hoenn or if either of the teams were touched by the hero/heroine actions that saved Hoenn back then, but regardeless, as long as he gives some explanation in the future, I believe that should be fine.

    You have a point when it comes to the pokemon and "script-like" issues; if you can look up into it Alster, it could help to develop your story further (I am unable to give you pointers here, since my soties have this flaw as well).

    Quote Originally Posted by Legacy View Post
    (...) I agree, your story could stand for some more description and detail within the writing. Just try to concentrate on showing the reader what is going on with your words!(...)
    He has progressed quite a bit since he began with the fic, although I have to agree with you, the story could use some details and can try using terms the Team Leaders would use.
    For Example:

    "I still cant comprehend the fact that all the other Evil Teams also are fighting over Kanto. I thought this was going to be a piece of cake but it turned out to be the opposite," explained Cyrus to himself.
    "Who ever you are, you are not going to stop me from destroying the world."said Giovanni, angry at the surprising change.
    When you used the word "comprehend" you got his character correctly for a bit, however, Cyrus had, by no means consider himself as an evil team nor has he met any of them before (story wise). I don´t think he would use the expression "piece of cake" either, so I guess something like "(...) I thought we would be able to procede with ease; how couldn´t I forsaw this coming" or somehing like that.

    Remember that Giovanni would rather conquer the world rather than destroy it, hence taking over Silph Co. and building a game corner in Celadon.

    That said, you did quite a good job with Archie´s character! Having him talking ot himself about his current plan was pretty smooth since you didn´t revel wheter his grunts know about this or not - This could provide a good twist to the story. Maxie could had a bit more of character development, however.

  15. #30
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: When Evil Meets Evil (Part 5 Posted) Please Read

    It was a good chapter and you've gotten better since the last chapters.
    But you still have some spelling issues and typos.
    Also, the dialogue is kind of stale, and -no offence- but why does Archie have a Ludicolo?
    Although I love the battle and chapter. See I learn from my mistakes.
    I look forward to more.

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