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Thread: Twins of Fate: On The Run (Book 1)

  1. #46
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Thanks guys!
    Oh and sorry about the ninja move with the new chapter. Sorry, Hehe.
    I'll change the mistake in the chapter, read the new chapter if you like!

  2. #47
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Alright, I have a lot of free time so I going to put up some Character Bios.
    Whooo! Yeah! ................. yeah...whoo..... Tough crowd.............
    Just to get you guys updated on the characters,enjoy!

    Thabet
    Age: 10 (almost 11)
    The main character. A proud yet cynical boy, He is kinda frightful, too. Prefering to run away from a problem rather than face it sometimes. He is also Claustrophobic which becomes a huge problem later on.

    Pokemon:
    -Treecko: Thabet's first and so far only pokemon, his loyal companion. Treecko doesn't speak at all, even Pokespeak.

    Note: Thabet is NOT me, some of the flaws are from me. But the character himself is imagined.


    Mac
    Age: 15
    Thabet's friend and mentor. When Thabet first met Mac he thought that he was simply some wannabe trainer, but after saving his Treecko's life he thought differently of him. He could be a real trainer after all....

    Pokemon:
    -Taillow: This was Thabet's first oppenent in a battle.
    -Altaria: A very powerful pokemon that Mac used to save Treecko from a punk.


    The Hunter
    Age: Unknown
    This man is the villian, he chases Thabet relentlessly for witnessing a murder firsthand. He will stop at nothing to kill Thabet, even kidnapping his best and only friend to get to him.


    Pinsir
    This isn't the man's pokemon just a partner in crime and for killing, it feels no loyalty whatsoever to the killer, simply following him to get the chance to kill. His motives for killing are unknown. He stalkes Thabet's dreams at night for a reason...
    Last edited by Thabet; 5th July 2010 at 08:03 PM.

  3. #48
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    Note: Thabet is NOT me, some of the flaws are from me. But the character himself is imagined.
    B-b-b-but... he shares your name... it seems so much like a self-insert...
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  4. #49
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Well yeah, it does seem like that.
    But here the deal, it was actually a concidence.
    It was only after the first chapter did I realize that my username and character name were the same. Stupid me. And I couldn't change his name after the chapter, so there you go.
    Thabet is my nickname, I use some of my family members and very close friends for the characteristics and personality of Thabet and Mac and others later on.
    Besides, self insert characters have a reputation like mud, maybe I can change that.

  5. #50
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
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    Wink Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    I use some of my family members and very close friends for the characteristics and personality of Thabet and Mac and others later on.
    .
    i think its cool that you use real life people for the characteristics and personality it makes it feel more realistic especially if the one reading it is s friend

    btw tomorows my birthday

  6. #51
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Hey man!
    Thanks for reading my story.
    Happy birthday in advance!
    How is Aby doing by the way?

  7. #52
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    Besides, self insert characters have a reputation like mud, maybe I can change that.
    No doubt you can. But it just seems strange to see a character named the same as the author. For example, I'd never use a character called Daniel Ernston or Joe in my stories.

    (Zekrom will be unavoidable once Gen.5 gets popular. But hey, it's one letter different. People actually misspell my username as Zekrom.)
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  8. #53
    I! AM NOT! A MORON! Sith Droideka's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Well, here is my review.

    1. Main character: Quite good. While he seems like a potential Marty Sue/Self insert, we have yet to see that. He instead acts like a normal human being, and does the kinds of things I would imagine myself to do (I'm also rather Claustrophobic).

    2. The Rival: Excellent. Not too many terror-inducing rivals, and this guy is kind of like Silver on steroids.

    3. Mac: kind of deus ex machina like. Needs his character fleshed out more.

    4. The Team: what's the team that shall be used? Sceptile, I'm guessing something like Altaria or Swellow.

    All in all, good work. Make sure that you do not take the step to marty-suedom.
    ALL Pokémon Are EQUAL, But SOME Pokémon Are MORE EQUAL Than Others

    Oceania is at war with Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia Eastasia, and has always been at war with them!

    WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. GOD IS POWER.

    Next PolySci/Econ Test: November 8, 2016; Your crash-course will begin January 2013.

    Galvantula ≥ Kyurem > Mewtwo > Arceus

  9. #54
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Thanks man, don't worry like I may have said before I plan on fleshing the characters out a bit, Thabet in particular in the future chapters.

    Check out the character bio's, I mention that Thabet is not a self-insert rather I base his personality and other characters from friends and family and also other characters.

    But dude, there is no rival. He is a killer hunting the main character for witnessing murder firsthand. Although I'm VERY happy people like him, I enjoy making him diabolical.

    The team is already in place, there will be no altaria/taillow there. Where did you get that idea?

    Thanks A LOT for the review, I'll be sure to send you VM when new chapters come out, Kay?
    Last edited by Thabet; 6th July 2010 at 11:20 AM.

  10. #55
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Nice plot, VM when new chapter release :)
    7/10

  11. #56
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Seven is up

    Here is Chapter Eight!
    This a highlight in the story and well the most exciting (so far).
    Enjoy!

    Chapter Eight: The Meeting

    It was a cold dark night in Petalburg Forest, every raspy lungful of air I breathed in only made me colder. A occasional cry from a random Pokémon would startle me as I shuffled through the forest nervously. I was trembling furiously, not from the cold but fear. My heart was working overtime, adrenaline was coursing through my body. I desperately wanted to find shelter from the cold, but there were important matters to attend to.

    It wasn't long until I arrived at our meeting place, a cave that seemed to continue into pitch-black darkness, it seemed just tall enough for a man to walk through. Instantly my fear arose, the Claustrophobia. This was a small cave, barely big enough for a man. I feared the suffocation and lack of air. I sat down warily, it took me an hour to compose myself.

    "As long as it's open there is nothing to fear," I told myself. I sent out Treecko for moral support.

    He shivered from the cold and looked up at me. He glanced at the cave and then at me and knew my dilemma, nodding confidently he climbed my back to rest on my shoulder.

    With increasing difficulty, I walked in the cave. Every step I took was difficult and required effort, but soon enough, the darkness was diminished by a dim yellow light.

    There stood the man holding a lantern in one hand, he smiled coldly at me. He was stilling wearing the same clothes from my last encounter with him, his red hair lit up in the light almost glowing in the dark, the Pinsir which haunted my dreams stood behind him.

    "So you did come after all." He said jokingly. His voice spoke of menace, there was a tone of unrivaled confidence in himself that seemed to accompany that voice. It seemed as if he spat every word, that it was a blessing to the likes of me.

    I didn't answer, I don't think I could've then.

    "You proved to be quite a chore to find." He continued, "You have a knack at getting out of a tight spot. But there are ways to flush a Ferret from its den." He said triumphantly, he beckoned the Pinsir which stood behind him, the Pinsir revealed Mac from between his pincers.

    He was twitching which told me he was still alive, for now. He wasn't going to last long with that Pinsir.

    "Wh-Who are you?"I demanded, but with the tone of my voice it almost seemed as if I was begging him for an answer.

    "Me?" he said in mock surprise. "I am your killer, the last person you will see in your pathetic life. But you can call me Guillotine."

    Somehow, knowing his name even a nickname seemed to lessen my fear of him.

    "Why do you do this?" I asked. "You aren't evil, I can see it in your eyes!" I said, thinking that I could reason with him.

    He seemed to hesitate, taken by surprise at my claims. His eyes flashed in confusion but were quickly hidden behind a curtain of menace.

    "SHUT UP! That does not concern you!" He yelled.

    "Now I would enjoy killing you slowly for the trouble you've caused me, but the night is short and I still have some targets to dispose of. Let us end this!" He said cackling.

    "I won't go down without a fight!" I said angrily, my voice trembling. "Go Treecko!"

    Treecko jumped down from his perch on my shoulder to get ready to fight.

    Guillotine laughed in amusement at the prospect of his prey fighting back. His eyes flashed in amusement, like a lion toying with its prey before devouring it.

    "Hahaha! This will be fun!" he laughed. "Pinsir!"

    The Pokemon glared at him and reluctantly stepped up to fight. Treecko suddenly glowed white, The whole cave was illuminated, I shielded my eyes to protect them from the glare. When I finally regained focus I saw a unfamiliar figure standing in Treecko's place.

    It seemed taller and built stronger, yet it shared Treecko's colors. He looked like more of a raptor than a lizard. Blade-like leaves stemmed from his arms, legs and head, his eyes had a more fierce glare than before.

    "Treecko?" I asked dumbfounded. The Pokemon looked back at me grinning.

    My Pokedex turned on, its light shining from my pocket.

    "TREECKO EVOLVES INTO GROVYLE WHEN IT HAS ENOUGH EXPERIENCE." The Pokedex stated, in a muffled voice.

    "It'll take more than a light show and a overgrown lizard to save yourself! Pinsir, finish this!" He howled.

    "Grovyle, watch out!" I called out in warning.

    But Grovyle didn't need my warning, he easily sidestepped the attack. He moved with such grace and speed it almost seemed as if he was dancing. The leaves at his arms elongated into glowing green blades, using them he slashed at the Pinsir savagely.

    "PINSIIIIIIIIIRRRR," it shrieked under the barrage of slashes.

    I watched in awe at the power of Grovyle and was happy to see the smile disappear from Guillotine's face. The Pinsir meanwhile, tried to grab Grovyle's blades but failed after he parried the lunge.

    "Grovyle! Use Absorb!" I called.

    The green tendrils erupted from Grovyle's leaves and intertwined the Pinsir, Grovyle smiled triumphantly. With a huge heave, he tugged the tendrils binding the Pinsir and sent him flying to the wall. With a loud thud, the Pinsir lay there defeated and unconscious.

    "I think we're done," I said confidently . Grovyle growled at him to emphasize the statement.

    "On the contrary, we have just begun!" He contradicted pulling out a gun from his pocket.

    "You really didn't think I was going to leave this to a battle," He laughed. "None of you are going to leave alive, Including your friend." He announced.

    I froze in fear, we were all in severe danger now. He pointed the gun at Grovyle,

    "Your pet dies first!" He said pulling the trigger.

    I quickly pulled out his Pokeball and returned Grovyle, the red beam engulfed him just before a bullet pierced the ground he was standing on. I held the ball containing Grovyle warily, that was a very close call.

    "Fine! YOU first!" he said, and shot towards me.

    I narrowly dodged the bullet and hid behind a large jagged rock jutting from the ground.

    "You think you can hide forever? Then your friend shall pay! His death will be slow. Pinsir, come here! He called, beckoning the fallen Pokémon over, it got up tiredly and lumbered over to him. During the standoff, it had apparently managed to recover some energy.

    It reached down to the limp body of Mac and picked him up by the pincers. The Pinsir began crushing him by the neck. Suddenly, Mac awoke from his trance, screaming in pain. I peered over to witness the spectacle, he struggled and clawed at the killer, trying to free himself from the embrace. He grasped the pincers as blood began to spurt from his neck and run down him. His screams echoed across the cave and penetrated me. It was almost as if a thousand knives were cutting my flesh, the pain was unbearable.

    "WAIT!" I called, "Me first." I said rising from behind the rock. I didn't feel like a hero, I don't even think I did it to save Mac, rather to escape those screams of pain… and my own cowardice.


    Guillotine pointed the gun at me, when suddenly sirens blared and lights flashed. A look of horror graced the man's face, he had been discovered, someone had heard the commotion.

    He still had the gun pointed at me, I knew it would be impossible for him to kill me and get away in time.

    The sirens drew closer.

    His gun arm trembled, he lowered the gun slowly.

    "Don't think I'm done, you will die." He growled, pointing at me. "Your friend on the other hand already is." He laughed.

    It was true, the Pinsir threw him in a bloody heap. Blood seemed to pour from the punctures on his neck. A look of shock was on Mac's face.

    The sound of the sirens was very loud now…

    "I make my leave, and just to make sure the work is done…" he trailed.

    "PINSIR!" It shrieked pounding the wall, the cave began to rumble, chunks of rock and debris began to fall from the ceiling.

    My Claustrophobia arose again, the entrance could be blocked! Everything in my mind was wiped clean as I made a beeline for the exit. Just as I got to the entrance, a huge rock fell sealing my doom. The only thing keeping me calm before was gone.

    It took me a few minutes to register the situation, and then my head went blank. My eyes lost focus and I began to sweat violently, my breathing was quick and labored, I felt lightheaded and dizzy. I was losing control of my body, trembling furiously, I clutched my head in fear. I ripped off my shirt hoping to relieve the feeling of suffocation, but slowly I felt tired and exhausted. I began to slip into darkness, I was going to reach for Grovyle's Pokeball to save Mac when I collapsed. I could faintly see Mac gasp for air, he was dying. I began to fall into darkness, a terrifying mysterious darkness.

    The sirens were at the cave's door.

    "Over here! They're over here!"

    Too late, he was dead. As I succumbed into darkness, all I could think of was how I failed a friend, how I contributed to his death. I had left Mac to die.

    His last words to me echoed in my mind,

    "You owe me one..."

    END OF CHAPTER EIGHT
    Last edited by Thabet; 8th July 2010 at 03:40 PM.

  12. #57
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Eight is up

    Yay! 'Pokevoulotion' Nice fic you got here, 7/10 :)

  13. #58
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Eight is up

    Thanks man.

  14. #59
    BF Author alster08's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Eight is up

    Intence Chapter!! 9.9/10

  15. #60
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate: Chapter Eight is up

    Whoa man!
    Thanks! I really enjoyed writting it.

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