Thread: Twins of Fate: On The Run (Book 1)

Okay, let's see...

For starters, first person narrative is actually very difficult to pull off. I recommend you stick to 3rd person, that way it's easier to keep the story compelling.

Try to add more detail, and add stronger paragraphs. With one sentence per enter key, your story sounds more like a script than actual prose. Let me re-write one of the sentences.

“Hey don’t look at me!” his lab aide replied putting her hands up in surrender, “You’re the one who didn’t show up last week!”

I didn’t like his aide, she looked like a Poochyena and had eyes like a Spearow.

Instead, try something more like this:

"Hey, don't look at me." The professor's aide replied in a manner-of-fact way, putting her hands up in surrender. I never liked that aide, she was always in a bad mood and had the face of a poochyena with the piercing glare of a spearow's. "You're the one who didn't show up last week!"

Also I bolded where you were missing commas.
Another thing regarding the protagonist; I'm not sure if you intended it or not, but I can't blame the aide. He was rather rude barging in like that and getting upset that the professor was gone. I have a hard time sympathizing with him disliking the aide that way.

Always read out loud what you write. If something about it sounds off chances are there's some sort of mistake.

Originally Posted by Thabet

^ Lol. No, its not a rival I'm not THAT unoriginal.

What's wrong with having an arrogant rival? It may be "unoriginal" as you call it, but it's pretty much a staple. You haven't introduced one yet anyway, so might as well throw another cog in the machine as he's trying to run for his life. XD

The Claustrophobia isn't a key turning point in the story, but its to keep him away from being a Mary Sue and will come up later in the story.

Just adding traits to a character will not prevent him from becoming a Mary Sue. You need to actually pay attention to his development.

Originally Posted by Zekurom

Just adding traits to a character will not prevent him from becoming a Mary Sue. You need to actually pay attention to his development.

Indeed. Bella from Twilight is clumsy but she's still an enormous mary-sue. Claustrophobia is not enough to balance a character who gets everything his way, is "special," and everyone happens to love.

Thanks man for the feedback, I appeciate it, but....
Well that was the first chapter. I'm already at the fifth with the sixth coming tommorow.
The plot is almost non-existent in the first chapter maybe you should continue with the rest of the chapters.
----I'm glad you didn't sympathize, I want to keep him from being a Mary Sue by making him more realistic and human.
Thanks for the review and I look out for those errors while reviewing my work and future chapters.

Whoa guys! Hold up!
Cluastrophobia is ONE of the traits, I know that not enough. As for character development I got it down.
I promise Thabet will change as the story continues.
Remember, this is only the first five chapters. The REAL action begins in the next few when he is trouble.
Leave the writing to me.
Anyway thanks a lot for the help!!

This was very good Thabet. Your writing style and the way you add little bits of humor here and there really make it fun to read. The opening especially set the table for a great story. A few grammar and punctuation mistakes but nothing too major; nothing that ruins the very interesting plot. I am intrigued by the villain especially. Please keep up the good work!

I wouldn't call Thabet a Mary Sue really, he seems to be interesting enough not to be but I had a feeling that was the reason you gave him claustrophobia. I remember a while ago I saw someone giving ways to avoid making your character a Mary Sue and they said you should add flaws.

THIS DOES NOT STOP YOUR CHARACTER BEING A MARY SUE.

In fact, most Mary Sues have one 'flaw' that doesn't really get in the way much at all. Don't actively try to stop your character being a Mary Sue, forget that criticism completely when you're writing a character - just always remember to make sure your character seems like a real person.

For me at least, basing them on someone you know (NOT yourself) is often a good starting point. That way it's easier to make them a character who can actually exist.

Alright, Thanks for the help and critism. All of it was sound advice, especially in the case of the main character Thabet. That "flaw" is no longer a tool, and I have changed that into a major part of the story and will help to become a key turning part in the story.
I also plan on reviewing the later chapters for mistakes.
Anyway, here is a spoiler. Listed below are the names of some future chapters. (They could change depending on pacing.)

-I unwillingly make a friend
-Disappearance in Petalburg
-The meeting
-Guilt
-The hunter is hunted
-I ruin a guy's reputation

There is more after!

Alright! Here is Chapter Six.
Thabet meets a boy named Mac who teaches him about Pokemon Battling.

Chapter Six: I unwillingly make a friend

"Who the heck are you?" I blurted out.

The boy had addressed me when I was talking to Treecko who was sitting next to me. The kid was taller than me, even though he looked my age. He wore a white T-shirt that read I OWN U on it, and black jeans. His long black hair shadowed his wide face which split in a smirk, a few twigs and leaves were stuck in his hair, I figured he had done some tree climbing. Strangely enough, the same Taillow we had battled before was perched on his shoulder.

"I saw the WHOLE thing! Man, and do you guys suck." He said.

"Is that your Taillow?" I said sheepishly, pointing at the little bird on his shoulder.

"Yeah, and you guys tried to beat it up? Ha! You never stood a chance," He guffawed.

I didn't like that. He treated us like amateurs, I knew that we were, but I didn't want to acknowledge that.

"Maybe you should teach Polly here some manners!" I growled angrily.

"Whoa, man. I wasn't trying to start something here. " He tried, putting his hands up in surrender.
"I just thought that you could use some advice," he explained.

I thought about what he said, I guess I did need some help. I didn't know much about battling, and I would need all the help I get in that area. Especially when my life depends on knowing what to do in a tight situation.

"Fine. You got a name?" I asked, standing up to see him eye to eye.

"The Sky Dude. I love flying Pokémon." He said adoringly.

I stifled my laughter. I felt like my ribs were going to crack from the strain, "The Sky Dude"?

"I guess all the good names were taken." I whispered to Treecko in between giggles, he began to crack up, too. "No seriously man, what's your name?" I said weakly, trying to compose myself.

"Mac." He said flatly, giving in to the absurdness of his nickname.

"Now that’s a human name!" I said gratefully.

"Do want help or not?" He growled, annoyed by my behavior.

"Okay, fine. So what did I do wrong?" I said.

"Well, you picked the wrong fight. Treecko is a grass type and Taillow is a flying type Pokémon, he has the type advantage. Any attack I use will do double the damage. Also, you used the Pokedex wrong…."

We continued to talk strategy until sunset. I had learned a lot during our conversation about battling, and I had found a friend in Mac. With all the danger that was introduced in my life, I had almost forgotten the bliss of friendship or enjoying the thrill of a Pokémon trainer's journey. A thrill I would not get to experience.

As the sun began to set, we had both become very tired and hungry. The orange sun was beginning to disappear under the tall treetops and the grasslands began to fall into darkness, soon we wouldn't be able to see our own hands.

"Whew, I beat. I got to eat," he said. "Let's get a fire going and cook something." He said cheerfully.

"NO!" I shouted. It was a bad idea to start any fires, in this open grassland it would be beacon for the man to find me. Mac looked at me in surprise.

"I, uh, don't think it’s a good idea. Um, there are… many wild Pokémon around." I mumbled in excuse.

I suddenly heard a soft rustling sound followed by a high pitched hiss.

"PINNNNNNNN-"

"Get down!" I hissed quickly, I tackled him to the ground.

"Huh, what's-" he tried, but I cupped my hand over his mouth to shut him up.

Not a moment too soon either, because after a few seconds after our hiding, my hunter appeared. This time he wore a black coat and black pants, and a white shirt was concealed under the coat. His red hair flickered in the moon light, giving the impression that his hair was on fire. The Pinsir stood next to him, it pincers clamped impatiently and its jaws opened and closed in excitement. Cold shivers ran down my spine, it would relish the chance to kill me. The man scanned the grassland carefully, his eyes shining with madness, but I could still see the pain in them. Little did he know that his prey was two feet away from him, helpless on the ground.

After two or three minutes, he beckoned the monster over and continued on. We didn't come out until a hour later for fear of his return.

"Who the hell was THAT!" He yelled when I finally released him.

"Th-that was my rival," I stammered, the less he knew the better. "There's some bad blood between us."

Mac eyed me suspiciously, he wasn't buying my lie.

"Your rival?" He parroted.

"Y-yeah"

"Whatever," he conceded to my surprise.

Neither of us slept easy that night, and when I finally fell asleep, the Pinsir paid me another visit in dreamland.

The next morning, we packed up and left. We were walking through the forest when Mac asked me a question.

"Where're you headed?" Mac asked.

"Petalburg." I answered.

"Cool. I'm headed there ,too. We'll go together." He said.

"I-I don't know, I need to get there fast. I'll probably stay for a day at most." I tried.

The truth was, I didn't want him around. He would slow me down and if he was seen around me he could be put in danger. The man wouldn't hesitate to use him as a hostage to get to me, or worse, kill him if he suspected I had told him about the murder. Bottom line, he couldn't be around me.

"Thabet?" Mac said, breaking my string of thought.

"Huh?"

"You sure that was your rival?" He said suspiciously. "You were trembling like a leaf when you saw him"

That wasn't good, he was snooping around. I had to come up with something, quick.

"I-I'm afraid of him," I stammered. "He beat me up once."

"And you were tossing and turning all night." He questioned.

"I get night terrors." I lied again.

"You have a lot of problems." He remarked.

"You don't know the half of it." I mumbled, rubbing my temples.

Soon enough, the thick forest opened up to reveal Petalburg City. The busy city was a new sight for my eyes after being in the forest for two days. I was hoping to leave quickly, hoping for an uneventful stay.

Little did I know that here my life would change, forever.

END OF CHAPTER SIX
---------------------------------------------------------
Now Mac here will become a VERY important character later on. How? Why?
You're not getting the answer from me! Hehe

This was a very interesting story. I cant wait to find out what happens next. You have very good discription and you use words that I probably wouldent think of.

jjust read the chap.I like it.

Thanks guys, both of you. I appreciate the comments!

Ladies and gents Of all ages! Chapter Seven Enjoy!!


Chapter Seven: Disappearance in Petalburg

"Treecko, use absorb!" I barked.

Green tendrils of energy arced from Treecko's outstretched claws and hit the Seedot absorbing its energy. The acorn-like Pokémon collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

"And the Treecko is the winner!" Announced the referee.

Me and Treecko howled in triumph and high-fived. The kid grumbled and passed over my prize money. I was going to start talking smack when Mac came over with our ice-cream.

"Good battle." He remarked.

"I was just lucky," I said in fake modesty.

We were sitting at the bench just relaxing, Mac had become my mentor, sort of. He had taught me a lot of things about battling, type advantages, synchronizing attacks and even proper Pokedex use. With his help, Treecko learned Absorb, his first grass attack.

"Mac?"

"Yeah?" He answered, still licking his ice-cream.

"Does Pinsir have a type advantage against Treecko?" I asked hesitantly.

He thought about it for a bit, his eyes going out of focus at that moment.

"Yeah, but a Pinsir can only learn one bug attack naturally, X-scissor. Besides he can't evolve, your Treecko can, two times." He said calmly. "Worried about your rival?" he added, with a hint of sarcasm.

"N-no," I stammered.

"Don't worry, when you finally face him you'll know what to do. Luck won't have anything to do with it." He said confidently, patting my shoulder.

I sighed. He didn't know the half it, this was no rival, this was a murderer. He didn't want to beat me in battle, he wanted my head on a pike, with my eyes gouged for witnessing what shouldn't be witnessed. Mac had finished his cone and was getting up, dusting his pants.

"I have to go run some errands, I'll meet you in the Pokémon center this afternoon ," he said. "And remember, luck favors the trainer who doesn't include it in his plans," he added sagely.

"Where did you get that?" I asked in surprise.

"A fortune cookie," he said cheerfully, walking off.

After finishing my cone I got up and walked away, too. Since I had nothing to do, I figured I could go to the Pokmart to stock up on supplies. Walking in to the crowded store reminded me of the good old days, when I used worked at a Pokemart with my uncle in Oldale, when I wasn't running for dear life. The shelves were packed with merchandise, from Potions and Antidotes to nail clippers for your Pokémon and shampoo.

I bought some Potions, Antidotes and some Repels for the trip and left. I checked the time, it was still one thirty. I still had some time before I meet up with Mac and talk about the rest of our plans. I knew I still had to ditch him and forget about our trip together, for the good of both us and his own safety. It was simply too dangerous, I was thinking about how to break the news when I heard someone calling me.

"Hey kid, come here!" One of them called, obviously this guy was the ring leader. While the other goons were wearing pants and shirts several sizes too large, and had spiky hair that could impale someone, this guy was wearing a tight green and brown outfit, his long green hair combed to the side. His eyes were black holes of terror.

I didn't respond to the guy, that only angered him.

"Come here so I can kick your ass!" he hollered, reaching for a pokeball from his pocket.

I pulled out Treecko's Pokeball and threw it in the air, "Treecko, come out!" I called. The red and white ball exploded releasing a flash of light and then Treecko appeared.

"Vigoroth!" the punk shouted releasing his pokemon. A white sloth-like pokemon appeared growling at us. The most striking feature of the pokemon was it energy. It couldn't stand still for a second, it jumped up and down, spun its arms wildly and stomped the ground in anxiety. This wouldn't be easy.

I flipped out my Pokedex and used it like Mac had taught me. Instead of scanning it, I checked its movepool and stats. The results weren't good, while its natural movepool was normal and fighting attacks only, his Attack and Speed stats were above average.

"Treecko, pound that Vigoroth!"I ordered.

Treecko raced to the sloth quickly to hit it but it only caught his tail in mid-attack. Still holding Treecko tail, he slammed him down on the ground. I watched in horror at the savagery of the Pokemon. The boy only smiled darkly as the Vigoroth threw Treecko at a wall. Barely conscious, Treecko got up weakly grimacing in pain.

"Absorb, Treecko," I told him.

"Vigoroth, finish that eyesore." The teen said carelessly.

"NOOOO!" I yelled. The Vigoroth raised its claws to deliver the finishing blow, I thought I would never get to see Treecko again.

"ALTARIA! DRAGON CLAW!" A voice yelled, a blue light blinded me. When I was able to see again, I gasped in surprise, the Vigoroth was on the ground unconscious.

" Mac?" I asked in surprise.

He turned to grin at me, behind him flew a cloud with wings. The cloud had a blue head and feet, two long feathers sprouted from the head.

"Vig-Vig…., I'll get you for this!" He returned the Pokemon, beckoned his gang and ran off. Mac smirked as they ran off in dismay.

"No need to thank me, I still have some things to do. You can thank me later." He dismissed. "You owe me one by the way." he said happily, walking away quickly.

I already had quite a day, so I just headed to the Pokémon center to heal Treecko and get some lunch. When it was time to meet up again with Mac, I went upstairs to our room. I didn't expect an answer, but I knocked on the door anyway.

"Mac, I'm here." I announced, opening the door.

There was no answer, there wasn't even anyone there. Only a letter on the nightstand, it seemed to shine in the sunlight.

I picked it up gingerly and opened it.

My heart sank, shivers ran down my spine. If my heart could stop of its own accord , it would've stopped then. My worst fear had been realized.

I have your friend, I want to meet you in the Petalburg Forest tonight. If you plan on seeing him again, come alone.

Let us end this.

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN

Wait, hold on, I have another comment in chapter 4.

"Pika boo"? Really? Shouldn't it be "peek-a-boo"?

Anyway, the most recent chapter (Chapter 6, I mean, at the time of writing) was pretty good. (*edit* Ninja'd with a new chapter! What are the chances of that?)

I most like this story for the idea that the main character isn't even really going on a journey; instead he's just trying to run away from a stalking killer.

Ooh, a cliffhanger! And he has Mac, too. Man, Thabet is going to--wait, I mean... you are going to owe Mac big time after this.

Wow the end of that chapter scared me. This is diffrent and interesting.