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Thread: Twins of Fate: On The Run (Book 1)

  1. #16
    May Still Have Hope TeamGalacticMercury's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Quote Originally Posted by Thabet View Post
    "Great, Thanks for nothing." I walked out of the crowded police station. (One paragraph)"Jerk." I muttered under my breath.

    I had managed to get out of the river a mile away from Oldale town, soaking wet and carrying Treecko. I took him to the Pokémon center to check him up. After that, I went to the Oldale police station to tell them about my riveting experience with a freak and his Pinsir.

    I gave him the I-don't-give-a-Ratatta's-ass look as I walked in. My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face and as you might have already guessed, money is a priority on his list even though he's really a nice guy.
    1)I heard the "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" earlier....
    2)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with money?
    3)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with priorities?




    "I got caught up, and uh, fell in a river." I managed. I had decided against telling him about my day, seeing as I was in trouble already. "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I announced as I headed to my room.


    I took off my clothes to dry off and got into bed. As I waited for sleep to overcome me, I thought about the man who didn't seem evil, despite his actions. I could tell, I could see it in his eyes, even though he didn't hesitate to try and kill me when he spotted us. Strangely enough, it was that Pinsir who haunted my dreams that night.
    Don't know about the rest of it.



    "PIN-" it hissed angrily, it took a step towards me. It opened its pincers wide to accommodate me, to crush me , to kill me. (One paragraph)"PINSIR!" It lunged.


    "NO!" I woke up in cold sweat. I wasn't being crushed. I was in bed. I couldn't sleep for fear of its return.

    During my sleepless night, I realized this man would surely hunt me down. He would kill me. I had seen something that I shouldn't have seen. He could be tracking me now, I would have to leave to protect those I loved. My only hope was to flee, become stronger and train. I would have to catch Pokémon, challenge gyms and defeat trainers, whatever it took. Only then I could remove him as a threat. If the authorities weren't going to help, than I would help myself.

    It was a game of Magikarp and Meowth, I was the Magikarp. To save myself, I would have run until I evolve into Gyrados.(One paragraph) I was on the run.


    The next day, I put on my dry clothes and went down stairs to find my uncle fixing breakfast.

    "Okay, your father called earlier, he wanted to talk to you." He said absentmindedly. I was surprised to hear that. "He wanted to make sure you get this."

    I couldn't believe my ears. I was talking about leaving, and he barely raises his eye to even question my motives or when deleted. What's more is he laid a small white package on the table, it was wrapped beautifully with a red ribbon, a small tag read on it.

    You are now old enough to make your own future. Here is something to help you do that.
    I quickly ripped off the paper to uncover a device. It was all red and suddenly opened in my palm.
    I recognized the device from a picture in a magazine. It was called a Pokedex. It was used to identify Pokémon and served as an ID for trainers during their various transactions. If I were to challenge a gym or participate in any official event, I would need this.
    I sat there drooling over my awesome gift when my uncle brought me back to Earth.
    "You know, your dad isn't the only one who gives gifts here you know is used once too many times; deleted." He pulled out a brown backpack that had pockets all over it and handed it to me. (One paragraph)"These are your supplies. Consider it a salary after all this time." He told me as I opened the bag. It had everything in it. Pokeballs, potions, rope and even a some Repels. I was at loss for words after receiving all these amazing gifts.


    "We were waiting until you would tell us about your departure, so I have kept this stuff so you could get them when you were ready." He smiled.
    "Well duh! We didn't expect you to stay forever. After the delay to your journey last week we knew you would leave anytime so we were ready" He said calmly. "Just make sure you call your mother before you leave, because it was her idea you know."
    "Okay, anyway I have to go see a friend." I said impatiently. I stuffed the Pokedex in my pocket as I turned to leave.
    "Come back and visit when you get the chance!" he called as I left the house. (One paragraph)Deep down, I knew that wouldn't happen for some time.
    Heaving my new bag, I rushed to the center to see my friend. Treecko was sitting up in his bed and was obviously bored with the center. He was glad to see me and offered his tail in greeting. He seemed much better. Then I remembered my proposition, my offer.



    I reached inside my bag and pulled out one of the six pokeballs that my uncle had given me and pressed the button in the middle. A bright beam shot out of the ball and hit Treecko. (one paragraph)In a flash of light, he (was deleted) dissolved and sucked into the ball, tying our fates together.at that very moment deleted


    More description please!


    I understand that this is your first fic, so it is vital that your mistakes are pointed out. Your character sounds like a Gary(Mary) Sue. Google "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and try it on your character. I give it a 7/10, but don't give up! I was a beginner once. Legacy, one of out most famous writers here on BMGf, started out just like us! I am by no means wanting to put you down. I just want you to succeed as a writer! I'll keep reading, so keep at it! I see potential in you. I am also by no means perfect. Keep at it, and you will get better.
    I also wouldn't put a poll up top.

    TGM
    Fanfiction Reviewer

  2. #17
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to point some mistakes in my story. It seems you really want to help. And like I mentioned before critism is welcomed and appreciated and this extremely helpful.

    This may be my first Fanfic but not my first story
    And while some of those corrections are justified, a lot them are not. I'm not trying to be the stubborn writer here but, let me show you.

    1- The third quote is out of context. Read the paragraph before it. I mention that he's mad because he had to pay twenty bucks to a kid to cover the character's shift. Also in the first Chapter I mention he makes the character work for nothing, calling it an "Internship".

    2- A lot of the sentences you said should be paragraphed have a different meaning. The first represents the thoughts, what he is struggling with. The other represents the conclusion of the thinking.

    For instance: he's thinking about what to do, about the man. Then he draws the conclusion that he is on the
    run from a criminal.

    They also draw attention to that sentence. If I had put it in the paragraph, it would draw less attention, and could be skipped, especially when THAT sentence represents the key plot that drives the story. It was never random and there was a point behind it.

    3- A lot of the sentences are very close in meaning, thats why I may use a comma rather than a period. To keep the meaning intact. While some -I admit- have to change.

    As for the Mary Sue Litmus Test, I took it. My character has some tendencies yet is very original, they say at least. The coming chapters will also focus on orginality, too.

    It's pretty obvious that you haven't read the past chapters and focused on the summary I wrote. Actually, it was to remind readers about the story and characters, not to be used as reference. A lot of details are missing. Read the first two chapters.

    I am not random in my writing, I first draft on paper then to MS Word then I post it. After revising a couple of times. It isn't perfect though,I know.

    I planned out the whole story, ending, characters and the villians so bear with me.

    Anyway, I just want to thank you for taking that time and reading the story.
    Thank you, I will continue writing taking all critism into account and I hopefully will become better in the future.

    P.S. I want to remove the poll but I don't know how, any ideas?

    Sincerly, Thabet
    Last edited by Thabet; 24th June 2010 at 10:23 AM.

  3. #18
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Not bad, not bad at all. I love OC stories. The plot of this one is pretty good - original, but not trying too hard to be original. Your writing style isn't bad either, though I think it'd be worth forcing yourself to go over your works and iron it out a bit.

    My only real criticism at this point is that it seems a little rushed. I'm aware that a lot of people like brevity in thier fics, but it is very much worth taking a little extra time to let events unfold - the incident with the Treeko, for example, or the Pinsir. Put yourself in the scene and try to imagine everything that you could do, or sense. I've tried that trick before, it seems to work

    Tullio
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


  4. #19
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Thank you for that review, I'm glad you like it. The originality as I've mentioned before will be taken care of in the future chapters.

    Also you have brought up a important issue with the rush in the story, I've noticed, too. Thats why the next Chapter will talk about some details and especially the character's relationship with Treecko and the Pinsir's role in the story.

    Thanks for the advice about reviewing my work and I'll defintaly do that, as soon as I get some time, I'm very busy lately.

    Thank you for the review, and I'll make sure to use your advice.

  5. #20
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    I want to thank you guys for the feedback and critism. I have reviewed the story, fixed a few things here and there (typos and weak sentences) and also added discriptions for alot of things. So if you read it the first time or haven't read it yet, try the first three chapters. Review and comments are always welcome.
    (If you haven't read my fic yet you may want to start with first three chapters)

    The next chapter will talk about Thabet's sudden beginning to his journey and reveal one major fear of his.
    So here goes nothing! Ladies and Gents, Chapter four.

  6. #21
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Chapter four: The Escape

    Treecko took being in a Pokeball surprisingly well, and I booked a room at the Pokémon center for the night. I knew it was better to be alone after I had left my uncle's house, I didn't want to risk being him around any longer. I would leave tomorrow before everyone got up, just after first light. But first I had to call someone.

    "So you've finally decided to leave?" My mom sighed. "And with that Treecko, why couldn't you get a Skitty or something?" She added.

    "Mom-." I tried to convince her. She thought I was going on a journey, not that my life was in danger.

    "Whatever, but find a companion. Don't travel alone, it's safer." She said sternly, but I couldn't do that either. They would slow me down, and I couldn't risk another life.

    "Sure thing, mom." I lied. I felt terrible, I didn't want to part my mother with false promises.

    "Mom, I have to go." I muttered.

    "All right, be safe." She said sensing my discomfort, "Good bye."

    "B-Bye." I whispered.

    I returned to my room and forced myself to sleep.

    The Pinsir visited me yet again in my dreams, I didn't know what to do. I spent yet another sleepless night pondering what my life had become. I didn't want to spend my life looking behind my shoulder in fear, yet I had no choice. All I wanted to do was to get my starter Pokémon and leave, now I was on the run. I was leaving everyone and everything I know to run away, I felt like a coward. I would have to cut my relations with everyone. Family, friends even strangers, they could lead the man to me or be put in danger.

    The sun began to rise from the Hoenn mountaintops and it's rays of light slowly began to creep through the land. Soon the Pokémon center would come back to life, and would hum with activity. It would be dangerous to stay after that, the less I was seen the better.

    I quietly put on my blue jeans and my black fleece. After tying on my shoes and heaving my bag, I left my room at the Pokemon center. I left the key at the door for them to take it and left, the usually busy lobby was empty save for Nurse Joy, a busy Chansey and a trainee Happiny.

    Halfway across the lobby, the Pokemon center door slid open and a man walked in. He was wearing a blue police uniform and was heading to the front desk. I figured he wasn't a threat and continued across the lobby. When I noticed his red hair, I stopped in my tracks abruptly, I looked closely and noticed he was showing Nurse Joy a picture. I dared to look closer and to my shock, it was a picture of me!

    Nurse Joy studied the picture carefully, then pointed straight at me. The man whirled around to look at me, it was the same man from the forest! His eyes shown with menace as he made his way to me. All I did was turn tail and run.

    "Hey you, stop!" He shouted.

    I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, "Treecko, I need you!" I exclaimed, I threw the Pokeball in the air and Treecko burst out with a flash of light. I quickly ran through the center, Mr. Mimes protested as I ran through the kitchen, suddenly I came to a dead-end inside a storage room. The shelves were lined with brands of Pokemon and human food, vegetables were strewn across the floor after our entry.

    "It’s a dead-end!" I gasped, but Treecko pointed to a small tunnel in the wall. I pulled off the door to uncover an air vent, supposedly it would lead outside and get us out of here , but there was one problem.

    "Uh Treecko, I-I-I'm not going in there." I stuttered, Treecko looked at me in surprise. I took a deep breath. "I-I get claustrophobic." I murmured, I was scared of small, tight areas, Elevators, tunnels, cages and such . I was afraid I would be trapped inside.

    Treecko looked about ready to rip my head off, I understood how he felt. Here we were running away from a criminal and I was refusing to escape through an air vent because I was afraid. He simply glared at me angrily.

    "We'll talk about this later, return!" I said pointing the Pokeball at him. The red beam of light dissolved him and sucked him inside. I wasn't sure why I returned him then, partly because I was ashamed of myself, partly because of that scary look he was giving me. My string of thoughts was suddenly broken by the roar of the man trying to find me. I hid behind the open storage room door and waited for him to come.

    "Where are you?" He teased as he searched for me. I waited in silence for him to come, gradually his voice became louder as he came closer to my hiding spot. He poked his head into the room.

    "Peek a b- ARGH!" he yowled in pain when I kicked the door straight into his face.

    "Better luck next time!" I yelled as I ran past him while he clutched his nose in agony.

    I ran up a flight of stairs. Heading to any room, I opened a random door to find three female trainers who awoke after I kicked the door open. They shrieked in horror upon my entry, covering themselves with the beddings. I blushed in embarrassment.

    "Sorry ladies!" I shouted as I barreled through the room. I opened the window and looked below, even though I was on the second floor I wasn't up very high and there was some bushes to cushion my fall. "Wake up already, its morning!" I protested, as they buffeted me with their pillows, shoes and anything within arm's reach. I hurriedly jumped out of the window to escape the wrath of the girls who were about ready to kill me, too.

    The bushes didn't cushion my fall as I would've favored but they stopped me from breaking my leg with the shock of the landing. Nevertheless, my knees buckled as I hit the ground and I felt a searing pain in my left leg when I tried to stand up.

    I limped away as far as I could from the center, I didn’t stop until I reached the woods leading to Petalburg city. Only then did I feel safe enough to rest, the trees would hide me from my predator. As I lay there massaging my leg, there was only one thing I could think of.

    The hunt had begun.

    END OF CHAPTER FOUR
    Last edited by Thabet; 5th July 2010 at 10:01 AM.

  7. #22
    Back to KM Kantomasta's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    this is awsome!!
    My 3ds FC: 0018 2172 7225 Safari: Rock Feel free to add me! I can only get on wifi maybe once a week at most though!
    my stats[/SIZE]|ranger

  8. #23
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Thanks!
    Everyone, I really appreciate the feedback. Especially constructive critism.
    The feedback really helped get better as I wrote the chapters and while reviewing the past chapters for errors.
    So everyone, I ask that you give me feedback to help make this a Fic worth reading and enjoying, because I enjoy writing it.

  9. #24
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Hah. Even if there are still a few grammar errors, this is turning out to be quite the story.

    BTW, what you say is "cluster phobic" is actually "claustrophobic". Just pointing it out XD
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  10. #25
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Hehe thanks.
    Blame it on MS word they messed it up, ... I guess (bad excuse)
    I'll review it later for the said errors.
    Thanks for the feedback.

  11. #26
    Wordsmith Pavell's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Not bad stuff, you're writing smoother now so that was a lot easier to read. Good touch at the end with the lighthearted escape through a window - dark is all well and good but you have to lighten up every now and again to maintain impact, which you did quite well

    Tullio
    The Long Walk
    For Joshua Cook, it's a long walk away from his dull life to the Pokémon League. But does he really want to be the very best? A coming-of-age story of adventure, friendship and growing up in the world of Pokémon.


  12. #27
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    Thanks a lot for the feedback I hope to polish my writing skills in the further chapters.
    Speaking of which, here is the next chapter. Behold!

    Chapter Five : The forest

    During the rest of the day of my escape from the center, I planned my journey. I would have to make my trip to Petalburg City a short one. There I could stock up on supplies and continue towards Rustboro city. Until then, I would have to move quickly, train and hopefully catch a new Pokémon.

    Luckily, my injured leg had healed during my stay in the forest, during which I survived on some food I packed before I left. I knew it would be a difficult task for the man to find me amongst the dense undergrowth, but I didn't want risk staying in an area for too long. If I was on the run, I would have to think two steps ahead of my hunter.

    Being the prey sucks.

    As I walked through the dense forest, I surveyed my surroundings warily. I felt as if anything was a threat, yet nothing surprised me. The trees shadowed me while still letting an occasional ray of sunlight to break through the canopy, and the sweet smell of flowers and fresh air filled my nostrils and cleared my mind. I could hear the cries of Zigzaggon and the screech of a Taillow as it would soar by or the soft rustling of the leaves as the wind caressed it gently. My senses were working overtime, I felt confident and strong amongst such activity, such life.

    I decided to rest under a tree to eat lunch. I found a young tree that had a nice comfortable spot to rest and laid my bag there, and began rummaging in it for something eat. I had already eaten most of my food the day before when my leg was injured so I had to settle for a measly lunch composed of half a beef sandwich and an apple. However, there was someone I was forgetting, Treecko.

    I wasn't sure about how things between us were after our misunderstanding at the center, but I supposed I had to explain things. At that time, he was the only one I could trust, we had to be a team if we were to survive, even if we weren't the oldest of friends. I pulled out his Pokeball nervously and threw it in the air.

    The ball exploded letting out a flash of light, then Treecko appeared glaring at me.

    "Uh, look I'm sorry." I began.

    He simply stared some more.

    "I refused to go through the tunnel because I'm afraid of small tight areas." I explained. "I'm afraid of being trapped inside or something." I continued, I hoped he would understand, maybe even forgive me. " In the end, we made it out safe!" I concluded.

    He glared at me pointedly, and then sat down in front of me.

    I took that as a good sign, "Hey look, I got an apple and a sandwich." I goaded, waving them in front of him.

    He crossed his arms, giving me the so-what look, then he got up and walked off.

    I watched him walk off in annoyance, "He ditched me!" I complained. I sat there fuming with rage, until I directed my wrath to my lunch. Unfortunately in only took me five minutes to finish it, so I took out my Pokedex to try it out a bit.

    "POKEDEX UNIT ONLINE." The machine voice stated. "UNIT BELONGS TO THABET ZATREH"

    "It knows my name, now that’s co-OW! What the-" Clutching my head, I looked up to find Treecko staring at me. In his arms were a bunch of berries. Oran, Pecha and even Sitrus, my jaw dropped in disbelief. "Where did you get them?"

    He simply shrugged, it was obvious he didn't want to tell me.

    Then both us began devouring our berry feast. I savored the sweet taste of the Pecha berry and the mixed flavors of the Oran and Sitrus berries, they were gratifying and filling. When we had our fill of berries there remained only five, three Oran, one Pecha and a Sitrus berry. I was going to put the berries in my bag to save them for later when a swift shadow from above swooped down and snatched a berry.

    "Hey!" I called, "Give that back!" The shadow was a Taillow that had decided to crash our party.

    This was a perfect opportunity to train Treecko and get him ready to fight the man hunting us . After all, this running away thing was temporary. Sooner or later, we have to would fight back, but until then we would have to run.

    "Treecko, get ready," I said. Immediately Treecko went into battle stance, ready to fight. "Treecko attack that Taillow!" I ordered, he quickly ran up the tree that the Taillow perched on and hit it hard with his tail. The sparrow-like Taillow fell off in surprise and flew up to meet his adversary. This was a battle in the treetops, all I could do was order attacks and hope for the best.

    I remembered the Pokedex and took it out to scan the Taillow. It gave me some nonsense about it being young, afraid and crying when it was alone.

    "Useless!" I growled angrily, I stuffed it in my pocket again. I figured it would be best to lower the Taillow's defensive capabilities before we attack. "Treecko, use leer!" I called from below. Treecko gave the Taillow a terrifying look, like the ones my mother would give me when she caught me stealing a cookie. Shivers ran down the bird's spine. "Now Treecko, pound it!" He quickly whacked the bird again and it began to fall dazed from the attack.

    It seemed we had won when suddenly, it became stronger and fiercer. It pecked Treecko hard, and then slammed him again and again with its outstretched wings. Treecko was losing and there wasn't much I could do. I had one choice, I pulled out my Pokeball and pointed it at Treecko.

    "Treecko, return!" He was sucked in immediately. The Taillow was surprised at his enemy's sudden disappearance. That was my chance, I took off running as fast as I could.

    Back at our resting spot, I had given Treecko a Oran berry to help him regain his strength. He seemed very angry and depressed about his loss. I wanted to cheer him up when an unfamiliar voice greeted us.

    "You call that a battle?" It laughed.

    END OF CHAPTER FIVE

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Did you like my work? Do you think I need work? Then tell me! Comment and review, tell me so I can improve.
    Last edited by Thabet; 27th June 2010 at 05:55 PM.

  13. #28
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    I like the Magikarp/Meowth analogy - it really works!

    I don't really understand why he needs to collect Badges to beat this guy, but ok, whatever.

    The 'villain' being a police officer is pretty awesome too!

    There aren't many errors in this - certainly not any memorable ones, but you misspelt Zigzagoon.

    Latest chapter was a bit so-so, nothing that interesting really happened.

    Thabet's claustrophobia is fair enough. I hope it actually becomes properly relevant to the storyline though because at the moment it seems a bit pointless.

    And ooooh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit - I guess the police officer caught up with him! That DASTARD!

  14. #29
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    ^ Nah, it's probably a rival.

    And Treecko doesn't like apples? Shame. My baby Rayquaza loves them.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  15. #30
    Woof Thabet's Avatar
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    Default Re: Twins of Fate

    ^ Lol. No, its not a rival I'm not THAT unoriginal.

    Lemme get the story in a nutshell.
    He's on the run from a criminal after witnessing a murder, he is planning on running away until he is strong enough to fend for himself. One of the ways to become stronger is to beat gymleaders. Also, a famous trainer has a much stronger voice than a nobody, (but thats beside the point).

    The Claustrophobia isn't a key turning point in the story, but its to keep him away from being a Mary Sue and will come up later in the story.

    Thanks a lot for the feedback thanks a lot.

    EDIT: I changed that "flaw" to a real problem.
    Last edited by Thabet; 29th June 2010 at 06:18 PM.

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