I had managed to get out of the river a mile away from Oldale town, soaking wet and carrying Treecko. I took him to the Pokémon center to check him up. After that, I went to the Oldale police station to tell them about my riveting experience with a freak and his Pinsir.
1)I heard the "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" earlier....I gave him the I-don't-give-a-Ratatta's-ass look as I walked in. My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face and as you might have already guessed, money is a priority on his list even though he's really a nice guy.
2)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with money?
3)What does "My uncle was a very tall man with a thin face" have to do with priorities?
"I got caught up, and uh, fell in a river." I managed. I had decided against telling him about my day, seeing as I was in trouble already. "I'm tired, I'm going to bed." I announced as I headed to my room.
Don't know about the rest of it.I took off my clothes to dry off and got into bed. As I waited for sleep to overcome me, I thought about the man who didn't seem evil, despite his actions. I could tell, I could see it in his eyes, even though he didn't hesitate to try and kill me when he spotted us. Strangely enough, it was that Pinsir who haunted my dreams that night.
"PIN-" it hissed angrily, it took a step towards me. It opened its pincers wide to accommodate me, to crush me , to kill me. (One paragraph)"PINSIR!" It lunged.
"NO!" I woke up in cold sweat. I wasn't being crushed. I was in bed. I couldn't sleep for fear of its return.
During my sleepless night, I realized this man would surely hunt me down. He would kill me. I had seen something that I shouldn't have seen. He could be tracking me now, I would have to leave to protect those I loved. My only hope was to flee, become stronger and train. I would have to catch Pokémon, challenge gyms and defeat trainers, whatever it took. Only then I could remove him as a threat. If the authorities weren't going to help, than I would help myself.
It was a game of Magikarp and Meowth, I was the Magikarp. To save myself, I would have run until I evolve into Gyrados.(One paragraph) I was on the run.
The next day, I put on my dry clothes and went down stairs to find my uncle fixing breakfast.
"Okay, your father called earlier, he wanted to talk to you." He said absentmindedly. I was surprised to hear that. "He wanted to make sure you get this."
I couldn't believe my ears. I was talking about leaving, and he barely raises his eye to even question my motives or when deleted. What's more is he laid a small white package on the table, it was wrapped beautifully with a red ribbon, a small tag read on it.
You are now old enough to make your own future. Here is something to help you do that.I quickly ripped off the paper to uncover a device. It was all red and suddenly opened in my palm.I recognized the device from a picture in a magazine. It was called a Pokedex. It was used to identify Pokémon and served as an ID for trainers during their various transactions. If I were to challenge a gym or participate in any official event, I would need this.I sat there drooling over my awesome gift when my uncle brought me back to Earth."You know, your dad isn't the only one who gives gifts here you know is used once too many times; deleted." He pulled out a brown backpack that had pockets all over it and handed it to me. (One paragraph)"These are your supplies. Consider it a salary after all this time." He told me as I opened the bag. It had everything in it. Pokeballs, potions, rope and even a some Repels. I was at loss for words after receiving all these amazing gifts.
"We were waiting until you would tell us about your departure, so I have kept this stuff so you could get them when you were ready." He smiled."Well duh! We didn't expect you to stay forever. After the delay to your journey last week we knew you would leave anytime so we were ready" He said calmly. "Just make sure you call your mother before you leave, because it was her idea you know.""Okay, anyway I have to go see a friend." I said impatiently. I stuffed the Pokedex in my pocket as I turned to leave."Come back and visit when you get the chance!" he called as I left the house. (One paragraph)Deep down, I knew that wouldn't happen for some time.Heaving my new bag, I rushed to the center to see my friend. Treecko was sitting up in his bed and was obviously bored with the center. He was glad to see me and offered his tail in greeting. He seemed much better. Then I remembered my proposition, my offer.
I reached inside my bag and pulled out one of the six pokeballs that my uncle had given me and pressed the button in the middle. A bright beam shot out of the ball and hit Treecko. (one paragraph)In a flash of light, he (was deleted) dissolved and sucked into the ball, tying our fates together.at that very moment deleted
More description please!
I understand that this is your first fic, so it is vital that your mistakes are pointed out. Your character sounds like a Gary(Mary) Sue. Google "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and try it on your character. I give it a 7/10, but don't give up! I was a beginner once. Legacy, one of out most famous writers here on BMGf, started out just like us! I am by no means wanting to put you down. I just want you to succeed as a writer! I'll keep reading, so keep at it! I see potential in you. I am also by no means perfect. Keep at it, and you will get better.
I also wouldn't put a poll up top.