Thread: Tarnished Gold: The Story of Cynthia (R/NC-17, Dark/Crackfic)

By August 4rth, at latest.

EDIT: Okay, you get it now. It's okay.

Originally Posted by Pokebreeder10

wow.... Zekurom, Noob, you are two interesting people...

Why, thanks. I get it from my class.

Just finished and polished up another big update.

I believe the term is "miscarried", not "stillborn", for a child that is dead in the womb and comes out early.

Unless it's going to come out at the regular time. Then it's a stillbirth.

Aww man, Volkner is just a bastard, ain't he. Blowing up Cyrus' house like that.

^^
Don't worry, next expansion of the story will fix whatever problems I put on the field by accident.

Also, the plot twist was hinted at in Cynthia's second nightmare (the one with the messed-up drawings and the phonogram machine). And, yeah, it is coming out at the right time, so it is stillbirth. Ack.

By the way, that Mary Sue thing was a pretty cheap shot.

Originally Posted by Zekurom

By the way, that Mary Sue thing was a pretty cheap shot.

The Elite Four really exists as a final battle, so they were minor characters and roadblocks from the start. Since I like Snapper so much, I'm having him reappear in Chapter II. Trust me, she may be a cheap shot, but Mary-Sue's battle will be anything but bland.

Originally Posted by Zekurom

Aww man, Volkner is just a bastard, ain't he. Blowing up Cyrus' house like that.

Don't worry. Volkner will meet a little friend of mine called 'poetic justice'.

Originally Posted by The_Noob

The Elite Four really exists as a final battle, so they were minor characters and roadblocks from the start. Since I like Snapper so much, I'm having him reappear in Chapter II. Trust me, she may be a cheap shot, but Mary-Sue's battle will be anything but bland.

Well, I meant the way you so overtly put it in there.

while Zoomer was kissing with Mary-Sue (who specialized in Normal-types, and was bland herself)

It's painfully obvious that you're parodying the Mary Sue phenotype here. At the risk of wasting somebody's morning, let me link you to the TVTropes page, Anvilicious. That quote is an example of this.

The fact that you're calling her Mary Sue already destroys some of the credibility that your story has. It's generally not a good idea to reference colloquial names of literary devices in serious stories, unless they're metastories, which yours isn't.

BTW, would you like to read Generation 2021 and make comments? It seems like I have to whore for reviews around here...

Originally Posted by Zekurom

The fact that you're calling her Mary Sue already destroys some of the credibility that your story has. It's generally not a good idea to reference colloquial names of literary devices in serious stories, unless they're metastories, which yours isn't.

1) I know that, I simply included Sue in there to make a full Elite Four. She is a reference to an archetypical character, yes, but Snapper is Austin Powers, and Zoomer is an archetypical sniper, Jinna is the classic underdeveloped character, and Champion Cynthia is a sort of Darth Vader-y character, being Little Cynthia's mother, and out to stop her. This makes the Elite Four of the 70's a bunch of archetypical characters.

2) They're 2-dimensional antagonists, who have been trying to block Cynthia's path the whole time of her journey. They appear as her final challenge, and that's their only purpose. Once Cynthia arrives at Suzuran Island, she (and the reader) will figure out why they've been trying to stop her.

Originally Posted by The_Noob

1) I know that, I simply included Sue in there to make a full Elite Four. She is a reference to an archetypical character, yes, but Snapper is Austin Powers, and Zoomer is an archetypical sniper, Jinna is the classic underdeveloped character, and Champion Cynthia is a sort of Darth Vader-y character, being Little Cynthia's mother, and out to stop her. This makes the Elite Four of the 70's a bunch of archetypical characters.

Oh, she's a member of the Elite Four! I was trying to figure out where she fit in.

Ehh, you never said anything about that, as far as I remember. Maybe I missed something in-story.

Still, at least the other three are references to actual works, instead of bare literary devices. And although Jinna is underdeveloped, you never actually call her that in the story, whereas with Mary-Sue, it's painfully obvious what she's taken out to be.

2) They're 2-dimensional antagonists, who have been trying to block Cynthia's path the whole time of her journey. They appear as her final challenge, and that's their only purpose. Once Cynthia arrives at Suzuran Island, she (and the reader) will figure out why they've been trying to stop her.

Alright, then.

But even then, it's still not a good idea to name it so overtly, even if it isn't an important part of the story. If the name were just "Mary" or just "Sue", it might be a bit better.

It's like if I decided to name the hero of my story Hero, and the villain Villain. Doesn't make it very interesting.

Originally Posted by Zekurom

It's like if I decided to name the hero of my story Hero, and the villain Villain. Doesn't make it very interesting.

But one sentence doesn't ruin a story. Mary-Sue's a minor detail. What did you think of Cyrus' traumatic childhood? Aren't I a sadistic narrator?

Originally Posted by The_Noob

But one sentence doesn't ruin a story. Mary-Sue's a minor detail.

You'd be surprised at how much one minor detail can interrupt the flow of a story. A story that's well-written, once a certain detail is included, can just crash into a wall. Even if it does get back up again, it loses a lot of distance that way.

I'll try to ignore it for now, but it's just something that's getting on my nerves.

What did you think of Cyrus' traumatic childhood? Aren't I a sadistic narrator?

Yes, you are.

^^
I'll take that advice. Thanks for the compliment. Also, I'll be off for tonight and tomorrow, since I'll be away then.

After that, I hope to unleash my creativity, and post the eigth gym battle and the beginning of the Elite Four challenge. The hope is that I have this chapter done by August 4th, and then I'll have the remainder of my summer to do Chapter II. Chapter III and IV will be done in the fall, and will be somewhat shorter and be more spaced out due to school-based constraints (since I'm going into highschool next year). Chapter V may be skipped, and instead what was to go in there will be absorbed into Chapter IV, just to keep things simple.

EDIT: Bump. Also, new update.

I love this Fic!
i love it when people bring new approaches to existing characters, and whilst it may be something i've never had the urge to do myself, I find reading it an enjoyable experience.
Now, the bad part:
Nothing is wrong with your fic, but i dislike the way you keep telling people events that are going to happen in chapters that are not released yet.
Your story speaks for itself, you don't need to keep dropping previews left right and center, readers should find things out when the chapter is released, not a few days before, otherwise they are waiting to get to a part in the chapter which you have mentioned, and may skip over some of the details to get there.

Thats all I got, but keep it up,let me know when the next chapter is out!

Thanks, and, yeah, I should stop doing 'foreshadow' posts.