4th June 2010, 10:12 AM #1
Ryan and Katie's Journey
The Story Beginns
Once there was a boy name Ryan and a tomboy name Katie. They are best friend living in Sinnoh Ryan lived in TwinLeaf Town and Katie lived in Sandgen Town. They were a short route away from each other. They loved to hang out with each other. They are not boy friend and girl friend, they are just friends. They both had Eevees and they were both on their way to becomin gpokemon masters but lets look at the very beggining when they wer 8 years old. Ryan was out on route 201 and was sitting there looking for a wild pokemon because he always wanted a pokemon before and the Proffesor(Proffessor Rowan) asked him are you researching pokemon? Ryan, No I just like watching them because I dont have one of my own, I have always wanted one though. Proffessor Rowan, You know I am a proffessor and I have a spare pokemon you can have. Ryan, Really thank you sooo muuuch!!! Proffessor Rowan, Its a Eevee, here you go. Ryan, Thank you sooo muuuch Proffessor! Proffesor Rowan, No problem at all come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them ok. Ryan, Ok I will thank you. Proffessor, Good- Bye. Ryan, Bye! Now that Ryan has his 1st pokemon its Katies turn to get her's. The next night Katie was on her way to Ryans house to spend the night when a Eevee jumped out and attacked her, she fell to the ground and all of the sudden Ryan came rushing to her and he asked " Are you ok" Katie, I am. Ryan, Eevee come on out. Eevee use quick attack. The wild Eevee lost half HP and then the wild Eevee used tackle and that did more than half dagamge ot Ryan's Eevee. Ryan, Pokeball go!!! It was quite and then the pokeball went CLICK! Katie, Thank you Ryan sooooo muuuch!!!!! I am so glad you found me!!! Ryan, I am glad you are ok and here its an Eevee I want you to have a pokemon now. Katie, Thank you! Is it a boy or a girl? Ryan, Its a girl I can tell, now lets go back to my house and have some fun with are pokemon. Katie, Ok.
To Be Continued
Last edited by Shiny Umbreon; 24th June 2010 at 12:57 AM.
Reason: I made a new story, because this was in the wrong forum.
4th June 2010, 03:56 PM #2
Re: Ryan and Katie's Journey
This forum is for finished Fics only. From what I can tell about your Fic, I don't think that you want to finish it up just yet, seeing as your characters only got their first Pokemon and you just posted the first chapter a couple of hours ago (that, and the glaring "To Be Continued") If you want to continue this, its best to do so in the main Fic Section, where the other unfinished ones are.
Onto the grammatical aspects:
Quotation marks are key here. You only use them a couple of times in your story, yet you have a lot more dialogue. Also, it's a good idea to start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks, to prevent the readers from having to read a large block of text.
See, you can't really tell who is talking. However, if you made it more like this (changes in bold):
Originally Posted by Shiny Umbreon
"No," Ryan replied sadly, "I just like watching them because I don't have one of my own. I have always wanted one though."
"You know," Professor Rowan said, "I am a professor and I have a spare Pokemon you can have!"
"Really?" asked Ryan, elated. "Thank you so much!"
"It's an Eevee!" said the Professor, handing him a Pokeball. (this brought up some confusion for me. Does the Professor just carry spare Eevee's around with him all day?)
"Thank you so much Professor!" Ryan said, excited.
"No problem at all! Come by my lab tomorrow and I could teach you about battling with them!" Professor Rowan said.
"Okay, I will. Thank you!" Ryan said, more excited about his new Pokemon than anything else (you do realize that at this point, he's thanked the man three times in a row? He may be very polite and excited for his Eevee, but surely he's thought of something else to say?)
"Well, goodbye for now!" said the Professor jubilantly.
"Goodbye!" cried Ryan.
In short, this story is a bit cliche. Boy and girl get Pokemon, travel in region, try to become champion, and ultimately do so, possibly facing each other in the process. (I'm assuming one Eevee becomes an Umbreon and the other becomes and Espeon?) Although you could get somewhere with this plot (perhaps a spin off of Pokemon Colosseum story hasn't been around, these guys live in Sinnoh, so I doubt that's possible). I suggest moving this out of the Archives and into the Writer's Workshop, where you can post on it more (people are only allowed to comment once per story in the Archives). Also, you might want to make the chapters a bit longer and with more detail. What do your characters look like? What do the Eevee look like? Assume that the reader knows nothing about Pokemon and paint us a picture so that we can see what is going on. I can't say much else, seeing as I'm relatively inexperienced in this area myself, but you definitely won't get many comments if you leave this story in the archives.
Also, I won't be able to reply to anything you ask me about this, because of the Archive rules. If you have any questions, I suggest asking a more experienced author in the Writer's Workshop. Good luck! :D
10th June 2010, 10:51 AM #3
Re: Ryan and Katie's Journey
you have a solid base to wok on, I mean this beginning is okay for a journey or quest or something.
however you have some typo's and also try using more wording(bigger with more description)
and no offence but like (Muffins!) mentioned its unoriginal and needs some excitment. Find a better way to put your favorite pokemon in without making it illogical.
All in all, good beginning and expand on it
Last edited by Thabet; 17th June 2010 at 10:44 PM.
6th July 2010, 02:53 PM #4
REAL PPL DONT LABEL OTHRS
Re: Ryan and Katie's Journey