Roots [Mature One Shot] - Page 3

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 31 to 45 of 56
Like Tree2Likes

Thread: Roots [Mature One Shot]

  1. #31
    Get those Devil Horns up Magmortar123's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Hesperia, California, United States
    Posts
    4,405
    Blog Entries
    35

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Wow! two words:awesome and disturbing (well three)
    My stats
    BMGF Mentor Program!
    Quote Originally Posted by Jerry Springer
    Would you dance on a Czechoslovakian?
    I strongly support DaniHime (Me X Orihime)

  2. #32
    Epic Sea Otter ftw Yumega's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Northan Ireland
    Posts
    568
    Blog Entries
    2

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    One of my favorite pieces of writing actually.
    It's amazing, really. Honeslty the writing was fantastic and it was dark. But yet I loved it and the ending was very clever. 10/10 :)



    ^Credit for thumbnails goes to Instrutilus!^

    -Pokémon Rescue Team Series-
    Eternal Flame: Coming Soon!

  3. #33
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Genderless
    Location
    In a giant bucket
    Posts
    1,582
    Blog Entries
    28

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    ^^
    Can't agree more.

  4. #34
    I! AM NOT! A MORON! Sith Droideka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    The Hidden Land
    Posts
    1,423

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Disturbing but excellent. Who knew that Professor Oak was a bisexual who's daughter was actually his lover?
    ALL Pokémon Are EQUAL, But SOME Pokémon Are MORE EQUAL Than Others

    Oceania is at war with Eurasia Eastasia Eurasia Eastasia, and has always been at war with them!

    WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. GOD IS POWER.

    Next PolySci/Econ Test: November 8, 2016; Your crash-course will begin January 2013.

    Galvantula ≥ Kyurem > Mewtwo > Arceus

  5. #35
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Genderless
    Location
    In a giant bucket
    Posts
    1,582
    Blog Entries
    28

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    ^^
    Actually, Daisy is simply aliased as Oak's daughter.

  6. #36
    ...unfortunately. In a Quandary's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Asphyxiating among the clouds
    Posts
    12

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Pedophile Oak. This is the first time I've seen this concept explored in complete seriousness (as opposed to crackfic). The way you depicted the development of John's sexual attraction to children is wonderfully plausible, beginning with his disgust of the women his father brought home which evolved into a full-blown aversion of adult female characteristics. Conversely, the innocence of children, something he held in high esteem, degenerated into the outlet for his sexual urges.

    I'd like to point out something here, though. For the most part, he had Pokemon companions to stave off his lack of human contact. It would actually have been more plausible for him to develop an attraction to Pokemon, should you want another controversial topic to explore.

    For John's all-consuming love of Pokemon, there is little subtextual evidence to support this. You mentioned them only in passing, providing few - and disappointingly under-detailed - instances of his interactions with them. Undoubtedly, John would have made comparisons between Pokemon and his fellow humans, concluding that Pokemon were better company by far - because they couldn't talk back, they didn't judge, they wouldn't do the disgusting things that humans did etc. Including a supporting Pokemon character whom with John shares a meaningful relationship would not only add depth to his characterization, but also exacerbate his disillusionment with his own kind, which played a large role in making him the recluse he was.

    While John was well-characterized for the most part, I found the supporting cast to be paper-thin and one-dimensional, discarded as soon as you were done with them. Surely David was more than a mere recipient of John's unwanted affections? What became of James and John's father? Had John not attempted to reconcile with his beloved brother at least once? The worst by far is Millie. No substance whatsoever. No hormonal, teenaged girl would have so readily accepted the idea of pregnancy, naive romantic or no. The fact that there weren't any protestations, not to mention stress/apprehension on her part was unnatural.

    Stylistically-wise, your story could use improvement. I know you intended for a biography-style that covered the events in John's life in a broad sense, but including emotionally-charged, in-the-moment flashbacks (separated by scene breaks) would smooth over the plentiful lulls and carry the momentum of the story better. Consistency of perspective is another thing. As the story revolves around John, it should be written from his point of view entirely throughout. Oblique - and unnecessary - detours to the POVs of supporting characters decentralize him.

    Also, the descriptions were bland, often lacking in intensity and detail. Heard of the phrase 'show, not tell'? Rather than explicitly stating the emotions John felt (eg. guilt), describe the sensations involved in experiencing the emotion. 'A heavy, uncomfortable feeling rose in his chest' is heaps more expressive than 'he felt guilty'.

    Me sleepy. I shall end my overlong review here. Overall, this is a decent fic - and I merit your courage to expound upon so sensitive and disturbing a subject - but one lacking in the qualities that would make it truly outstanding. 6/10 (It should be plentifully obvious that I do not hand out compliments lightly; by no means should you treat this as a bad score.)

  7. #37
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    London
    Posts
    4,152
    Blog Entries
    68

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Quote Originally Posted by In a Quandary View Post
    Pedophile Oak. This is the first time I've seen this concept explored in complete seriousness (as opposed to crackfic). The way you depicted the development of John's sexual attraction to children is wonderfully plausible, beginning with his disgust of the women his father brought home which evolved into a full-blown aversion of adult female characteristics. Conversely, the innocence of children, something he held in high esteem, degenerated into the outlet for his sexual urges.

    I'd like to point out something here, though. For the most part, he had Pokemon companions to stave off his lack of human contact. It would actually have been more plausible for him to develop an attraction to Pokemon, should you want another controversial topic to explore.

    For John's all-consuming love of Pokemon, there is little subtextual evidence to support this. You mentioned them only in passing, providing few - and disappointingly under-detailed - instances of his interactions with them. Undoubtedly, John would have made comparisons between Pokemon and his fellow humans, concluding that Pokemon were better company by far - because they couldn't talk back, they didn't judge, they wouldn't do the disgusting things that humans did etc. Including a supporting Pokemon character whom with John shares a meaningful relationship would not only add depth to his characterization, but also exacerbate his disillusionment with his own kind, which played a large role in making him the recluse he was.

    While John was well-characterized for the most part, I found the supporting cast to be paper-thin and one-dimensional, discarded as soon as you were done with them. Surely David was more than a mere recipient of John's unwanted affections? What became of James and John's father? Had John not attempted to reconcile with his beloved brother at least once? The worst by far is Millie. No substance whatsoever. No hormonal, teenaged girl would have so readily accepted the idea of pregnancy, naive romantic or no. The fact that there weren't any protestations, not to mention stress/apprehension on her part was unnatural.

    Stylistically-wise, your story could use improvement. I know you intended for a biography-style that covered the events in John's life in a broad sense, but including emotionally-charged, in-the-moment flashbacks (separated by scene breaks) would smooth over the plentiful lulls and carry the momentum of the story better. Consistency of perspective is another thing. As the story revolves around John, it should be written from his point of view entirely throughout. Oblique - and unnecessary - detours to the POVs of supporting characters decentralize him.

    Also, the descriptions were bland, often lacking in intensity and detail. Heard of the phrase 'show, not tell'? Rather than explicitly stating the emotions John felt (eg. guilt), describe the sensations involved in experiencing the emotion. 'A heavy, uncomfortable feeling rose in his chest' is heaps more expressive than 'he felt guilty'.

    Me sleepy. I shall end my overlong review here. Overall, this is a decent fic - and I merit your courage to expound upon so sensitive and disturbing a subject - but one lacking in the qualities that would make it truly outstanding. 6/10 (It should be plentifully obvious that I do not hand out compliments lightly; by no means should you treat this as a bad score.)
    Wow. This is like my favourite of all the comments I've ever been given. I think this is probably literally the most helpful criticism I've ever received. I don't like the idea of John having a sexual attraction to Pokemon but other than that I agree with everything you've said in your comment.

    I definitely regret not including a closer Pokemon companion for John. In fact, thinking over it, I could have had him give it away to either Millie or David and it would have meant even more. I could even have made it one of the Kanto starters but they may have made it too obvious that John was Professor Oak.

    I should've probably spared a sentence or two saying that John tried to get in contact with both his brother and David for a long time but was never successful due to their efforts. Perhaps they moved away or something. Additionally, you're very right about Millie - I didn't do her character justice at all now that I'm thinking about it. I think the main reason for that is probably because I couldn't find a way to make her character realistic while at the same time having the conclusion that I wanted. I suppose I probably could have done it if I'd really put my mind to it.

    Your comment is making me consider rewriting Roots while implementing the changes that you've suggested. If I do that, I might not post it in the Workshop because I've already posted the original but, whether I do or not,
    would you mind if I PM'd it to you so that you could read it?

    Thanks again for your review.

  8. #38
    ...unfortunately. In a Quandary's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Asphyxiating among the clouds
    Posts
    12

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Sure thing. I look forward to the revised version.

  9. #39
    Lovin the beach Surferboy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,626
    Blog Entries
    57

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    I enjoyed it a fair bit...
    pretty strange actually but I enjoy it
    Makes sense.... Oak always seemed to like red more, this also reflects in rivals story, another of yours...
    It shows pretty well and makes perfect sense
    overall rating 9/10
    Friend Code X is:

    3840-6649-9157

  10. #40
    ^^ Safe-T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Location Location Location
    Posts
    277

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    SICK

    to tell you the truth though i LMFAO pr.OAK a pedophile ~SICK~

    this kinda reminded me of Lucky Star, how Konata and her mother were both under developed all there lives

    COMING SOON!

  11. #41
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Genderless
    Location
    In a giant bucket
    Posts
    1,582
    Blog Entries
    28

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Quote Originally Posted by S-Blade View Post
    this kinda reminded me of Lucky Star, how Konata and her mother were both under developed all there lives
    Actually, Konata could be her own mother. Think the Darth Vader spoiler in reverse. It's not, "Luke- I am your father!" It's more like, "Luke- You grow up to be me!"
    Last edited by Der_Neuevenmenschen; 30th September 2010 at 04:19 PM.

  12. #42
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    5,658
    Blog Entries
    108

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Time to review this one for the awards as well. :D

    Level of creepiness/disturbance: 15/20

    There were some parts that were non-creepy angst too. Not to mention, Reeve's mind is... well, totally warped. But, of course, some parts of the fic were completely normal.

    But the parts that weren't were just... wrong. Like Oak marrying a girl 25 years younger than he was and then calling her his daughter - as well as that "new life" of his.

    Level of darkness: 17/20

    With all the angst and wrongness that goes on in this story, it's a small wonder that I felt completely heartbroken when John told Emily that she was disgusting and completely ruined her life. John is such a poor bastard, having to go through all that trouble.

    Characterization: 18/20

    John Reeve's character stays remarkably homogeneous in this one-shot. And I mean remarkably. You relate his troubles with such clarity, and, although being such a sick and twisted character, he is still understandable and we can still relate to him. That's a very difficult line to walk, and you walked it all the way.

    Grammar, style, and flow: 6/10

    This time, there were a few parts that I couldn't follow as well as your other story, Rival's Story. Some parts led a little shakily into others, and in other places, I couldn't really tell what was happening. But the grammar was still alright. Overall this part was still good.

    Overall rating: 81/100

    First fic on this board to break 80. It's that far up :D

    (Oh crap, I just saw In a Quandary's rating. Well, looks like you have a harder-to-please fan than me, Gastly's Mama.)
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

  13. #43
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Central
    Posts
    2,674

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    That was really good, but i have one question.

    Will Oak engage in intercourse with Red? that would just be sick :/

  14. #44
    追放されたバカ
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Genderless
    Location
    In a giant bucket
    Posts
    1,582
    Blog Entries
    28

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Quote Originally Posted by Skylocust View Post
    Will Oak engage in intercourse with Red? that would just be sick :/
    I don't think so...... He probably enjoys young girls better for that purpose. He'll just take a photo of Red, and camp out in his lab for a few days.... Whackin' to it.

  15. #45
    The First Homunculus Pride's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Central
    Posts
    2,674

    Default Re: Roots [Mature One Shot]

    Quote Originally Posted by The_Noob View Post
    I don't think so...... He probably enjoys young girls better for that purpose. He'll just take a photo of Red, and camp out in his lab for a few days.... Whackin' to it.

    but it said that Red's body was like Millie's when he first met her. I was probably just perverted and thought so, but still, the whole gift thing i guess just caught me off guard. ^^'

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •