Thread: Roots [Mature One Shot]

Wow! two words:awesome and disturbing (well three)

One of my favorite pieces of writing actually.
It's amazing, really. Honeslty the writing was fantastic and it was dark. But yet I loved it and the ending was very clever. 10/10 :)

^^
Can't agree more.

Disturbing but excellent. Who knew that Professor Oak was a bisexual who's daughter was actually his lover?

^^
Actually, Daisy is simply aliased as Oak's daughter.

Pedophile Oak. This is the first time I've seen this concept explored in complete seriousness (as opposed to crackfic). The way you depicted the development of John's sexual attraction to children is wonderfully plausible, beginning with his disgust of the women his father brought home which evolved into a full-blown aversion of adult female characteristics. Conversely, the innocence of children, something he held in high esteem, degenerated into the outlet for his sexual urges.

I'd like to point out something here, though. For the most part, he had Pokemon companions to stave off his lack of human contact. It would actually have been more plausible for him to develop an attraction to Pokemon, should you want another controversial topic to explore.

For John's all-consuming love of Pokemon, there is little subtextual evidence to support this. You mentioned them only in passing, providing few - and disappointingly under-detailed - instances of his interactions with them. Undoubtedly, John would have made comparisons between Pokemon and his fellow humans, concluding that Pokemon were better company by far - because they couldn't talk back, they didn't judge, they wouldn't do the disgusting things that humans did etc. Including a supporting Pokemon character whom with John shares a meaningful relationship would not only add depth to his characterization, but also exacerbate his disillusionment with his own kind, which played a large role in making him the recluse he was.

While John was well-characterized for the most part, I found the supporting cast to be paper-thin and one-dimensional, discarded as soon as you were done with them. Surely David was more than a mere recipient of John's unwanted affections? What became of James and John's father? Had John not attempted to reconcile with his beloved brother at least once? The worst by far is Millie. No substance whatsoever. No hormonal, teenaged girl would have so readily accepted the idea of pregnancy, naive romantic or no. The fact that there weren't any protestations, not to mention stress/apprehension on her part was unnatural.

Stylistically-wise, your story could use improvement. I know you intended for a biography-style that covered the events in John's life in a broad sense, but including emotionally-charged, in-the-moment flashbacks (separated by scene breaks) would smooth over the plentiful lulls and carry the momentum of the story better. Consistency of perspective is another thing. As the story revolves around John, it should be written from his point of view entirely throughout. Oblique - and unnecessary - detours to the POVs of supporting characters decentralize him.

Also, the descriptions were bland, often lacking in intensity and detail. Heard of the phrase 'show, not tell'? Rather than explicitly stating the emotions John felt (eg. guilt), describe the sensations involved in experiencing the emotion. 'A heavy, uncomfortable feeling rose in his chest' is heaps more expressive than 'he felt guilty'.

Me sleepy. I shall end my overlong review here. Overall, this is a decent fic - and I merit your courage to expound upon so sensitive and disturbing a subject - but one lacking in the qualities that would make it truly outstanding. 6/10 (It should be plentifully obvious that I do not hand out compliments lightly; by no means should you treat this as a bad score.)

Originally Posted by In a Quandary

Pedophile Oak. This is the first time I've seen this concept explored in complete seriousness (as opposed to crackfic). The way you depicted the development of John's sexual attraction to children is wonderfully plausible, beginning with his disgust of the women his father brought home which evolved into a full-blown aversion of adult female characteristics. Conversely, the innocence of children, something he held in high esteem, degenerated into the outlet for his sexual urges.

I'd like to point out something here, though. For the most part, he had Pokemon companions to stave off his lack of human contact. It would actually have been more plausible for him to develop an attraction to Pokemon, should you want another controversial topic to explore.

For John's all-consuming love of Pokemon, there is little subtextual evidence to support this. You mentioned them only in passing, providing few - and disappointingly under-detailed - instances of his interactions with them. Undoubtedly, John would have made comparisons between Pokemon and his fellow humans, concluding that Pokemon were better company by far - because they couldn't talk back, they didn't judge, they wouldn't do the disgusting things that humans did etc. Including a supporting Pokemon character whom with John shares a meaningful relationship would not only add depth to his characterization, but also exacerbate his disillusionment with his own kind, which played a large role in making him the recluse he was.

While John was well-characterized for the most part, I found the supporting cast to be paper-thin and one-dimensional, discarded as soon as you were done with them. Surely David was more than a mere recipient of John's unwanted affections? What became of James and John's father? Had John not attempted to reconcile with his beloved brother at least once? The worst by far is Millie. No substance whatsoever. No hormonal, teenaged girl would have so readily accepted the idea of pregnancy, naive romantic or no. The fact that there weren't any protestations, not to mention stress/apprehension on her part was unnatural.

Stylistically-wise, your story could use improvement. I know you intended for a biography-style that covered the events in John's life in a broad sense, but including emotionally-charged, in-the-moment flashbacks (separated by scene breaks) would smooth over the plentiful lulls and carry the momentum of the story better. Consistency of perspective is another thing. As the story revolves around John, it should be written from his point of view entirely throughout. Oblique - and unnecessary - detours to the POVs of supporting characters decentralize him.

Also, the descriptions were bland, often lacking in intensity and detail. Heard of the phrase 'show, not tell'? Rather than explicitly stating the emotions John felt (eg. guilt), describe the sensations involved in experiencing the emotion. 'A heavy, uncomfortable feeling rose in his chest' is heaps more expressive than 'he felt guilty'.

Me sleepy. I shall end my overlong review here. Overall, this is a decent fic - and I merit your courage to expound upon so sensitive and disturbing a subject - but one lacking in the qualities that would make it truly outstanding. 6/10 (It should be plentifully obvious that I do not hand out compliments lightly; by no means should you treat this as a bad score.)

Wow. This is like my favourite of all the comments I've ever been given. I think this is probably literally the most helpful criticism I've ever received. I don't like the idea of John having a sexual attraction to Pokemon but other than that I agree with everything you've said in your comment.

I definitely regret not including a closer Pokemon companion for John. In fact, thinking over it, I could have had him give it away to either Millie or David and it would have meant even more. I could even have made it one of the Kanto starters but they may have made it too obvious that John was Professor Oak.

I should've probably spared a sentence or two saying that John tried to get in contact with both his brother and David for a long time but was never successful due to their efforts. Perhaps they moved away or something. Additionally, you're very right about Millie - I didn't do her character justice at all now that I'm thinking about it. I think the main reason for that is probably because I couldn't find a way to make her character realistic while at the same time having the conclusion that I wanted. I suppose I probably could have done it if I'd really put my mind to it.

Your comment is making me consider rewriting Roots while implementing the changes that you've suggested. If I do that, I might not post it in the Workshop because I've already posted the original but, whether I do or not,
would you mind if I PM'd it to you so that you could read it?

Thanks again for your review.

Sure thing. I look forward to the revised version.

I enjoyed it a fair bit...
pretty strange actually but I enjoy it
Makes sense.... Oak always seemed to like red more, this also reflects in rivals story, another of yours...
It shows pretty well and makes perfect sense
overall rating 9/10

SICK

to tell you the truth though i LMFAO pr.OAK a pedophile ~SICK~

this kinda reminded me of Lucky Star, how Konata and her mother were both under developed all there lives

Originally Posted by S-Blade

this kinda reminded me of Lucky Star, how Konata and her mother were both under developed all there lives

Actually, Konata could be her own mother. Think the Darth Vader spoiler in reverse. It's not, "Luke- I am your father!" It's more like, "Luke- You grow up to be me!"

Time to review this one for the awards as well. :D

Level of creepiness/disturbance: 15/20

There were some parts that were non-creepy angst too. Not to mention, Reeve's mind is... well, totally warped. But, of course, some parts of the fic were completely normal.

But the parts that weren't were just... wrong. Like Oak marrying a girl 25 years younger than he was and then calling her his daughter - as well as that "new life" of his.

Level of darkness: 17/20

With all the angst and wrongness that goes on in this story, it's a small wonder that I felt completely heartbroken when John told Emily that she was disgusting and completely ruined her life. John is such a poor bastard, having to go through all that trouble.

Characterization: 18/20

John Reeve's character stays remarkably homogeneous in this one-shot. And I mean remarkably. You relate his troubles with such clarity, and, although being such a sick and twisted character, he is still understandable and we can still relate to him. That's a very difficult line to walk, and you walked it all the way.

Grammar, style, and flow: 6/10

This time, there were a few parts that I couldn't follow as well as your other story, Rival's Story. Some parts led a little shakily into others, and in other places, I couldn't really tell what was happening. But the grammar was still alright. Overall this part was still good.

Overall rating: 81/100

First fic on this board to break 80. It's that far up :D

(Oh crap, I just saw In a Quandary's rating. Well, looks like you have a harder-to-please fan than me, Gastly's Mama.)

That was really good, but i have one question.

Will Oak engage in intercourse with Red? that would just be sick :/

Originally Posted by Skylocust

Will Oak engage in intercourse with Red? that would just be sick :/

I don't think so...... He probably enjoys young girls better for that purpose. He'll just take a photo of Red, and camp out in his lab for a few days.... Whackin' to it.

Originally Posted by The_Noob

I don't think so...... He probably enjoys young girls better for that purpose. He'll just take a photo of Red, and camp out in his lab for a few days.... Whackin' to it.

but it said that Red's body was like Millie's when he first met her. I was probably just perverted and thought so, but still, the whole gift thing i guess just caught me off guard. ^^'