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  1. #181
    Cuter in real life Iteru's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Sabrina is AWESOME.

    These past few chapters are definetly my favourite so far.

  2. #182
    Inactive swampert_rox's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Its been a week...
    Swampert_rox



    Thanks to Emi-chan and Blazaking EX for the banner!

  3. #183
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Quote Originally Posted by swampert_rox View Post
    Its been a week...
    I'm sorry! I've been quite busy this week, the christmas holidays have started and I've just got home from Uni, which means I've had to organise getting myself and all my shit across the country and then do it. Sure, the country's only Britain so as getting across the country goes it's pretty low on the list difficulty wise, but it's by no means easy. (We're talking North to South here, not East to West)

    Anyway, I'm working on the next chapter and I should be able to post it very soon. Sorry for the delay.

  4. #184
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Once again, I apologise for the delay. I'll try and keep up from now on, but I have a lot of work to do at the moment - so no promises! Anyway, here is another chapter and since I generally make it a rule not to go on the internet on Christmas Day - Merry Christmas, everyone!

    Chapter 33

    Sabrina nodded curtly and threw her final Poké Ball to the ground. A giant bug appeared, it was a purple moth of some sort.

    “Venomoth,” informed Sabrina.
    “I knew that!” exclaimed Blue defensively.
    “No, you didn’t,” replied Sabrina coolly.
    “Is that a Psychic Bug?” asked Blue dismissing Sabrina’s accusation, “I’ve never seen a Psychic Bug before. I didn’t know there were any.”
    “No,” answered Sabrina, “It’s not Psychic at all. It’s a Bug and Poison type, I choose to use it on my team because it is a powerful fighter.”

    Bug and Poison was a perfect type combination for Blue’s remaining two Pokémon to take on. Kadabra’s Psychic attacks were super effective against Poison types while Charmeleon’s Fire attacks were super effective against Bug types, Sabrina didn’t stand a chance!

    “If you honestly believe that your victory is assured because of that you are far less intelligent than I gave you credit for, Blue,” stated Sabrina.
    “Wh-what?” hesitated Blue, not sure how to respond to this.
    “Given that I knew what your team was from before this battle even started, do you really think that your type advantage over Venomoth will count for that much?” challenged Sabrina, “Your Pidgeotto would have had a type advantage too. In fact, Gyarados was your only Pokémon which would not have and still I chose to use Psychic types against it in spite of the fact that it had a very effective Dark type attack. I knew the battle would come to this and I knew that Venomoth would be my best chance of winning against both Charmeleon and Kadabra. Don’t dare think you have an easy ride or you will lose.”

    Blue tried not to focus on what she was saying, he was sure she was just trying to put him off.

    “Confusion!” ordered Blue, preying on Venomoth’s weakness.

    But, as usual, Sabrina’s Pokémon moved as if its order had been given years before Blue had even managed to think of what he wanted his Pokémon to do. Venomoth sprayed a purple dust all over Kadabra.

    “What was that?” snapped Blue, but then he realised, it was a Poison Powder attack.

    Kadabra was now poisoned, which meant he had a limited amount of time to finish this battle off. Fortunately, however, Blue’s Kadabra possessed the Synchronise ability, which meant it could bounce any status inflicted upon back on to the inflictor! Blue beamed a grin of superiority, but Sabrina shook her head.

    “Get in the game, Blue,” she chided, “Venomoth is a Poison type. Do you really think I would have overlooked something as simple as that? Give me some credit…”

    This was not a great situation, Blue now had a very real time limit in which he had to defeat this Pokémon, but it wasn’t too bad either. Kadabra was probably capable of defeating Venomoth on its own and even if it couldn’t, Charmeleon could definitely finish it off - there wasn’t a chance that Blue was going to lose this battle.

    “I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” sneered Sabrina.

    Kadabra finally got around to delivering the Confusion that Blue had ordered and it seemed to deal a significant amount of damage to Venomoth, the giant bug winced in pain. However, following this it casually flew over to Kadabra and bit its shoulder.

    “Leech Life!” exclaimed Blue.

    Leech Life was usually an attack which was so weak that it wasn’t worth considering, but the combination of Kadabra’s weakness to Bug type attacks and Venomoth’s same type attack boost made it a fairly formidable attack. The fact that Sabrina’s Venomoth was of a much higher level meant the attack was pretty deadly. Kadabra flinched with the shock of how such a weak attack could be put to such effective use as Venomoth recovered all of the health that Kadabra had managed to take from it. Blue suddenly realised that this battle wasn’t going to be as easy as he had originally thought…

    “You underestimate your opponents a lot, don’t you, Blue?” heckled Sabrina, “Maybe that’s why you can’t seem to win against Red any more? Maybe that’s why Red is going to beat you to the Pokémon League? Maybe that’s why you’re going to lose against me where Red is going to win? What do you think, Blue?”

    Someone saying ‘Red’ that many times alone was enough to send Blue into a frenzy, but the suggestion that there was a trait in Blue’s personality which was inherently inferior to that of Red’s made Blue so angry he couldn’t contain it any more. Often in a battle, passion is positive and anger helps victory, but this anger consumed Blue’s mind so much that he stopped thinking and simply began demanding victory. Kadabra was left unsure of what it should do and simply stood there, trying poorly to intimidate Venomoth as it hit it with another Leech Life.

    “No!” yelled Sabrina, “This anger isn’t helping you! Do something useful with it!”

    Blue tried to focus his mind back to the battle, but he was still furious. While Sabrina was trying to encourage him into becoming a better battler, she wasn’t holding back in the battle – Kadabra was almost completely out of HP now.

    “Psybeam!” shouted Blue, finally managing to gain control of his rage, but it was too late.

    Kadabra obediently launched its final Psybeam, but immediately afterwards Venomoth used Leech Life, causing Kadabra to faint and bringing itself back to full health. Blue’s last remaining Pokémon was Charmeleon. Charmeleon also had a type advantage and it wasn’t weak against Bug type attacks, which meant it was much more likely to win this battle than Kadabra. Unfortunately, Kadabra had ultimately managed to deal Venomoth no damage whatsoever and Blue was still furious beyond belief. Nevertheless, Blue sent Charmeleon out on to the field with high hopes that he’d finally be able to teach Sabrina a lesson, to show her that he was better than Red.

    “Charmeleon!” screamed Blue in fury, “Ember!”

    A powder different to that was sprayed over Kadabra was sprayed over Charmeleon and Blue instantly recognised it as Stun Spore, a move which had been used against this very same Pokémon by Red himself. Although this particular Stun Spore did not take, the memory of Red getting the upper hand on him for the first time ever was enough to send Blue into another rage. With any of his other Pokémon, this would have been a very bad thing to happen for the battle indeed, but with Charmeleon, it turned out to be very positive. Charmeleon had been with Blue for so long that they had begun to become attuned to each other, each could feel what the other was feeling and Blue’s frustration and anger was reflected on to Charmeleon who exploded with fury and flew towards Venomoth in anger.

    “Rage!” exclaimed Blue, “You’ve learnt Rage!”

    Blue knew that Rage was not a particularly effective attack, in fact, its basic power was equal to that of Leech Life – Rage alone was not going to help Blue win this battle. But if things went well from here, it just might. Venomoth responded with a Leech Life, restoring itself to full health again. As Blue’s frustration with this grew, so did Charmeleon’s and it launched a second, more powerful Rage attack. Venomoth responded again with a Leech Life which still restored itself to full health and the two Pokémon exchanged like this for a while until Blue called Charmeleon to a halt.

    “You were right,” smiled Blue to Sabrina, “Controlling my rage is going to help me a lot and controlling Charmeleon’s Rage is going to help me take out that Bug once and for all! Metal Claw!”

    Blue knew that even though Charmeleon’s attack stat was increasing more and more each time it was attacked, the base power of Rage was simply too low to do any significant damage to Venomoth, but Metal Claw was a different story. Charmeleon was now so pumped that any physical attack it used was bound to deal a huge amount of damage and that it did. Charmeleon’s claws were covered in steel and the lizard Pokémon flew towards Venomoth screeching at the top its voice and ran both hands through its opponent’s wings. Venomoth was completely unable to take that level of pain and fell to the floor unconscious. Blue was victorious! Blue had won his fourth Badge! And perhaps most importantly, Blue was superior to Red.

    “Congratulations, Blue,” stated Sabrina calmly.

    Blue was annoyed by her lack of indignation at her loss and didn’t respond.

    “Why would I be annoyed, Blue?” challenged Sabrina, “I’ve known I would lose this battle since I first became a Gym Leader, it was not a surprise to me. I did everything I could to change the future, but unfortunately for me, once it is written, it is not going to change. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours and you have my utmost condolences for the tragedy that will befall you at the Pokémon League.”

    Blue was about to ask for more information on the tragedy that would befall him at the Pokémon League, but the next thing he knew he was standing outside Saffron City Gym, face to face with a police officer who was eager to remind him that his hour to vacate the city was now completely run out.

    Blue's Team: Charmeleon, Pidgeotto, Kadabra, Gyarados
    Blue’s Box: Metapod, Beedrill, Meowth, Bellsprout
    Blue's Pokédex: 16 Caught, 62 Seen
    Blue’s Badges: 4
    Last edited by Gama; 29th December 2009 at 05:19 PM.

  5. #185
    Registered User revolvingscott's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    I have only just read the last chapter without any others and I have to say, I was impressed, thoroughly impressed! I will write a more thorough review once I've read the rest.

  6. #186
    I shot a god Ryuutakeshi's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Wow, Sabrina is... wow. Go Blue.

    Great chapter.

    Evil Figment (7:59:44 PM): Ryuu, however shakily you started, I've got to hand it to you that you earned my respect the hard way.

  7. #187
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Good battle. Too bad Blue didn't realize what Sabrina meant about the League.
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  8. #188
    Inactive swampert_rox's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Epic win. In my opinion, Blue probably thought that he would lose at the Pokemon League and not become the champ.
    Swampert_rox



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  9. #189
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Hello again, people! Sorry for the recent infrequency, I'll do my best to combat it.

    I also need to apologise for the poor quality of this chapter, it's pretty much just a bridge chapter. It's not that great on its own, but it kind of needed to happen for several reasons. I hope you can forgive me.

    In other news, if any of you could have a look at the story I wrote for the last competition, it's called Two's Company and there's a link to it in my sig. Thank youuuuu!

    Anyway, here is the next chapter -

    Chapter 34

    Fortunately the police officer was happy to oblige Blue’s request to be turned out towards Celadon City and Blue was still on target to getting his next Badge very soon. Blue headed into Celadon City and, after healing up his Pokémon at the local Pokémon Center, was standing outside the Gym in no time, but he couldn’t get Sabrina’s words out of his head, he couldn’t stop wondering what tragedy was going to befall him at the Pokémon League. You could hardly consider losing a tragedy, it would definitely be a disappointment, it would probably be enough for Blue to lock himself in his room for days on end, but tragedy was a bit strong. Blue couldn’t help but think there was more to it than simply a loss and that was enough to drive him crazy. Blue knew he couldn’t successfully take on a Gym Leader in this frame of mind.

    Blue had heard that there was a Rocket Game Corner in Celadon and thought that with the help of his Rocket uniform he might be able to throw his weight around in there a bit and tell people what to do. He also thought that that would be a fantastic way to put himself in a good mood, there was nothing quite like asserting his authority over people, even if it was non-existent. Blue hid round the side of the Gym and changed into his Grunt uniform and then found his way to the Game Corner.

    Before Blue entered he quickly scanned the room for other members of Team Rocket as he was quite conscious that his uniform was hardly believable. Frankly, it was a miracle that he had gotten away with it this far. It was simply his good fortune that the two people he had fooled were a Scientist who wished to spend as little time as possible looking at him and a Grunt who was so scared at the mention of Boss Rocket that he had not even considered the possibility that Blue was an impostor. Blue thought that impersonating a Rocket on their own turf might not be such a brilliant idea after all. Fortunately, however, there was only one uniformed Rocket in the room and he was so obviously a Grunt that Blue wasn’t even scared. The Grunt was standing in front of a poster as if he were guarding it, Blue supposed he had been made to perform this degrading task as some sort of punishment for his blatant idiocy.

    Blue walked around the Game Corner casually, staring people down as they looked up. No one dared look at him. Blue strolled around the Game Corner when suddenly a sign caught his eye.

    ‘Today only,’ read the sign, ‘A battle tournament with real Pokémon for prizes!!!’

    Blue resented the sign for the unnecessary number of exclamation marks it used, but still he was interested. He had entered the Game Corner knowing that he did not wish to gamble, as he considered gambling a fool’s hobby, however he was definitely up for a battle. In all honesty, he would have entered the competition for the pride of being better than everyone else in the room alone, the Pokémon prize just made things all the sweeter. Blue headed to the front desk in order to register for the competition.

    “Good afternoon,” greeted the eerily friendly and cheerful receptionist, “How may I help you?”
    “I’d like to register for the battle competition please,” answered Blue.
    “I’m sorry,” answered the receptionist, looking at Blue’s Rocket uniform, “Members of staff are not allowed to compete.”
    “No!” exclaimed Blue, suddenly realising how stupid he had been, “I’m not a Rocket… I’m… I’m… just a big fan!”

    Blue could not have felt more ridiculous coming up with this outrageous excuse, but it looked like the receptionist was believing him.

    “Yeah,” Blue continued, pulling on his Rocket jumper, “My mum knitted this for me.”

    A serious twinge of guilt ran through Blue’s body as he lied about his deceased mother just so he could win a Pokémon and some pride. In fact, he was too busy thinking about this to hear the radio next to the receptionist give a quiet beep.

    “Okay,” said the receptionist with an unnecessarily welcoming smile, “Write your name here please.”

    Blue wrote his name and within twenty minutes he was engaged in his first battle.

    Blue was very disappointed; the battle was with an old man with a beard. Blue did not think that just because this man was old and had a beard he was a poor trainer, however, this man was old, he did have a beard and he most definitely was a poor trainer. In fact, all of the trainers Blue battled were poor Trainers. Blue supposed that this event had not been advertised particularly well and as a result the vast majority of the trainers who entered the competition were old gamblers who didn’t realised how seriously they had neglected their Pokémon while they sat at the slot machines and spent their pensions.

    While it was true that all the trainers Blue battled were poor, it was not true that all of the trainers Blue battled weren’t worth mentioning. In fact, the trainer who Blue battled in the final was most definitely worth mentioning. Blue walked on to the battle arena, expecting another old man who was barely capable of speech to take the arena, but that didn’t happen. The man who did approach was a man he recognised, in fact, it was none other than Sailor Maxwell, the man who had given him the Surf HM. Apparently the man had made it to Celadon after all.

    “Blue!” exclaimed Maxwell, unable to contain his excitement at seeing his ‘rival’, “I’m gonna win this time!”

    Blue could not even be bothered to humour the pathetic man this time, it was quite obvious that he wasn’t going to beat him this time. As the battle began, Blue hoped Maxwell would at least put up a fight, but it appeared he had not caught any new Pokémon or evolved any of his current ones. They didn’t even appear to have any new techniques. Once again Blue was able to defeat both Machop and Wartortle using only his Kadabra, he almost felt bad. Almost.

    Blue was invited to select a Pokémon, most of which appeared to be from the Safari Zone. Blue went over to the Prize Corner to claim his prize without saying a further word to Maxwell. The options were Abra, Clefairy, Nidorina, Dratini, Exeggcute, Scyther and Porygon. Blue thought about these options carefully. Abra was obviously out of the question, Blue had no need for an Abra when he already had a Kadabra. Clefairy was also an immediate rejection, Blue already had a Clefairy and he had already benched it from the team. Nidorina was a strong Pokémon, but Nidoqueen’s obvious inferiority to Nidoking made Blue reluctant to choose it. Dratini was a possibility, as were Exeggcute and Scyther. Blue didn’t know much about Porygon, but he could tell by looking at it for one second that it was for novelty purposes only and he didn’t want to waste his time with it. Scyther was clearly a powerful Pokémon, but it reminded Blue too much of Beedrill, who had proven itself to be totally inept. Blue couldn’t help but think Scyther would be the same. Blue knew that Dratini could evolve into an immensely powerful Pokémon of some kind, but he also knew that it was the hardest Pokémon in all of Kanto to fully evolve and he had found Magikarp pretty difficult to evolve. That just left Exeggcute. Blue had not initially been thrilled about this Pokémon, however, he realised that a Grass type would make a pretty awesome trio along with Gyarados and Charmeleon so he opted for that.

    Although all of the trainers that Blue faced were all very poor trainers, it made Blue realise that most trainers were very poor trainers and that made him feel better about himself. Blue decided to forget about the tragedy that was going to befall him at the Pokémon League and just focus on getting there. Blue got changed back into his normal clothes and headed towards the Celadon City Gym, he was ready for anything this Leader could throw at him.

    Blue's Team: Charmeleon, Pidgeotto, Kadabra, Gyarados, Exeggcute
    Blue’s Box: Metapod, Beedrill, Meowth, Bellsprout
    Blue's Pokédex: 16 Caught, 65 Seen
    Blue’s Badges: 4

  10. #190
    so i herd u liek treakos? Kimori-Hinoarashi's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Two Psychic types on Blue's team? Poor Koga...
    Read my Fanfic! Chapter 30 posted! A Legendary Journey is now on indefinite hiatus, but I am starting a new fic in Unova called eNsnared.

    Thanks to cledispop for my Avatar!

  11. #191
    I shot a god Ryuutakeshi's Avatar Social Media Editor
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Ah, now it makes sense. Interesting. Very interesting. I like what you did.

    My mum knitted it. Ha.

    Evil Figment (7:59:44 PM): Ryuu, however shakily you started, I've got to hand it to you that you earned my respect the hard way.

  12. #192
    Fanfiction Writer LampShade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Hey, I only read the first three chapters of this fanfiction, but I have plenty of comments already. I'll post what I have so far and I'll comment on your other chapters over time.

    First, it would be helpful to include more vivid descriptions in the beginning of chapter 1. I had no idea what Blue's pajamas or "everyday clothes" looked like. Like you said, you have an artistic license; therefore, it's hard for me to assume what kind of clothes you're referring to.

    I loved the characterization of Blue and Oak, but I felt that Red's was somewhat incomplete. I understand that this is from the viewpoint of Blue, but I'm pretty sure that Blue could rant on for a paragraph or so about how red is X and Y and always Z. It's just a suggestion, but I bet it would bring out not only Red's character, but more of Blue's as well.

    There are some awkward sentences here and there. I'll give some examples from the beginning of Chapter 1:

    Blue woke to the sound of the phone ringing, he tumbled out of bed and made his way towards it.
    This was a bit of a turn-off when I started reading the story - You might want to separate this sentence into two sentences, and add some detail to both.

    Here, Red, there are three Pokémon here!
    The repetition of "here" isn't quite effective in this sentence. You could change the second "here" to "on this table" if you wish.

    “When I was young I was a serious Pokémon trainer!” boasted Oak, he then paused thoughtfully,
    It would be great if you could change the first comma to a period, and then add "before saying/stating" after "thoughtfully".

    Adding more imagery at the end of Chapter 1 would help color the situation going on. After all, it's kind of weird to challenge someone to a Pokemon battle in the middle of a laboratory. Providing more detail and adjectives would help here.

    I enjoyed the style you placed in the first paragraph of Chapter 2! It really brought out the Blue that you're seeking to portray. One problem, though - Blue's character isn't being shown throughout this chapter. His sarcastic, exaggerated, and somewhat amateur "voice" begins to fade as you go into the battle. Make sure to show Blue's character through your word choice at all times; if you don't, the narrative effect may seem a bit un-attached.

    Where did Blue check to see Charmander's moves? I'm not sure if I just overlooked this, so if I did, just let me know.

    It's good to see the Aide bringing some realism into the battle scene (messing up the laboratory), but it would be a lot more realistic if there were papers flying around, chairs overturned, books on the floor, etc.

    “If you faint, I’m gonna -” Blue cut his threat short when he saw that the Scratch had caused Red’s Bulbasaur to faint. He had beaten Red! Blue had won! He was the superior trainer.
    I suggest adding a bit more description here. You used the word cataclysmic in the previous paragraph, which was arguably histrionic, but then you reverted to simple, dry sentences in the following paragraph.

    I liked the video-gamey feel to chapter three, but it didn't seem to gel with the other two chapters. I'm not sure if you can correct this, so it's fine to leave it that way.

    Another stylistic comment (keep in mind, this is just one error in the very beginning of chapter 3; there are others in the chapter):

    Blue ran out of the lab, eager to reach the next destination. He began running up Route 1, eagerly anticipating arriving at Viridian City
    Repetition here wasn't used effectively. I would be good to change one of the "eager"s to something synonymous.

    Blue's shift of character and tone was quite unique. However, Blue's new voice (your diction), is a bit odd. He seems like a totally different person from the Blue witnessed in Chapters 1 and 2. Whether this be intentional or not, I suggest you make a clean transition to such a character. An explanation that states his shift in personality, since Red wasn't around anymore, would be my suggestion.

    On a final note, I like how you imitate the video game, but I'm just curious; was it really Blue who delivered the parcel? From what I remember in the video games, it was Red who delivered the package.

  13. #193
    Reader and Writer Legacy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Hey nice chapter! Very good prose and voice. Reads like a professional work, and I especially love the character depth

  14. #194
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Quote Originally Posted by LampShade View Post
    Hey, I only read the first three chapters of this fanfiction, but I have plenty of comments already. I'll post what I have so far and I'll comment on your other chapters over time.

    First, it would be helpful to include more vivid descriptions in the beginning of chapter 1. I had no idea what Blue's pajamas or "everyday clothes" looked like. Like you said, you have an artistic license; therefore, it's hard for me to assume what kind of clothes you're referring to.

    I loved the characterization of Blue and Oak, but I felt that Red's was somewhat incomplete. I understand that this is from the viewpoint of Blue, but I'm pretty sure that Blue could rant on for a paragraph or so about how red is X and Y and always Z. It's just a suggestion, but I bet it would bring out not only Red's character, but more of Blue's as well.

    There are some awkward sentences here and there. I'll give some examples from the beginning of Chapter 1:



    This was a bit of a turn-off when I started reading the story - You might want to separate this sentence into two sentences, and add some detail to both.



    The repetition of "here" isn't quite effective in this sentence. You could change the second "here" to "on this table" if you wish.



    It would be great if you could change the first comma to a period, and then add "before saying/stating" after "thoughtfully".

    Adding more imagery at the end of Chapter 1 would help color the situation going on. After all, it's kind of weird to challenge someone to a Pokemon battle in the middle of a laboratory. Providing more detail and adjectives would help here.

    I enjoyed the style you placed in the first paragraph of Chapter 2! It really brought out the Blue that you're seeking to portray. One problem, though - Blue's character isn't being shown throughout this chapter. His sarcastic, exaggerated, and somewhat amateur "voice" begins to fade as you go into the battle. Make sure to show Blue's character through your word choice at all times; if you don't, the narrative effect may seem a bit un-attached.

    Where did Blue check to see Charmander's moves? I'm not sure if I just overlooked this, so if I did, just let me know.

    It's good to see the Aide bringing some realism into the battle scene (messing up the laboratory), but it would be a lot more realistic if there were papers flying around, chairs overturned, books on the floor, etc.



    I suggest adding a bit more description here. You used the word cataclysmic in the previous paragraph, which was arguably histrionic, but then you reverted to simple, dry sentences in the following paragraph.

    I liked the video-gamey feel to chapter three, but it didn't seem to gel with the other two chapters. I'm not sure if you can correct this, so it's fine to leave it that way.

    Another stylistic comment (keep in mind, this is just one error in the very beginning of chapter 3; there are others in the chapter):



    Repetition here wasn't used effectively. I would be good to change one of the "eager"s to something synonymous.

    Blue's shift of character and tone was quite unique. However, Blue's new voice (your diction), is a bit odd. He seems like a totally different person from the Blue witnessed in Chapters 1 and 2. Whether this be intentional or not, I suggest you make a clean transition to such a character. An explanation that states his shift in personality, since Red wasn't around anymore, would be my suggestion.

    On a final note, I like how you imitate the video game, but I'm just curious; was it really Blue who delivered the parcel? From what I remember in the video games, it was Red who delivered the package.
    ...Wow. That's a lot of feedback AND you've read less than 10% of the fic so far. I like you.

    Anyway, to answer your questions and concerns -

    You do have a point about lack of description, particularly in the early chapters, as well as awkward sentence structure. I do intend to go back over the earlier chapters and amend all this one day. One day, but not today.

    About the character of Red, in the first couple of times Blue meets Red he does lack any real character, but I think I started to play around with his character a bit more from the S.S. Anne, or perhaps even on Nugget Bridge, I'm not sure tbh.

    You've actually hit the reason for his change in personality dead on, that was what I was going for. The Blue I'm writing is pretty easily wound up and no one winds him up more than Red - who does so without even trying. Again, I intend to amend things like that one day... but not today.

    And you're right, Red did deliver the parcel. Blue doesn't deliver the parcel in this, he just runs into Professor Oak's Aide, he doesn't even speak to the man who gives Red the parcel until he's got his Pokedex (and hence the parcel has already been delivered)

  15. #195
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Rival's Story

    Aaaanyway, here's another chapter, enjoy -

    Chapter 35

    As Blue reached Celadon City Gym, he heard a voice behind him.

    “Wait!” shouted the voice, catching its breath.

    Blue knew the voice in a second – it was Maxwell, again. Although this guy didn’t have the battling strength to fulfil the basic standards of being a rival, he sure did have the persistence. Blue was sure it wouldn’t be long before he started seeing Maxwell more often than he saw Red.

    “What is it, Maxwell?” snapped Blue with an unnecessary level of hostility.

    The main reason Blue acted so unkindly towards Maxwell was because he could feel himself starting to like him and he was very determined to remain a lone wolf – he did not want a repeat of the Camper Jeff incident.

    “I got you something, Blue,” answered Maxwell with a smile.

    Blue sighed, he did not need this kind of relationship with his back up rival.

    “What?” retorted Blue angrily.
    “A Leaf Stone,” answered Maxwell, removing the Stone from his pocket and holding it out towards Blue, “I was going to choose Exeggcute myself if I won, but since I didn’t, I thought you’d probably have more use for it than me.”

    Blue snatched the Leaf Stone from him and stuck it in his bag, being careful not to thank Maxwell. Maxwell stood uncertainly, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement from Blue at the very least.

    “What?” demanded Blue, eyeing Maxwell up threateningly.
    “I- uh, nothing, I guess,” replied Maxwell awkwardly, “Um, you know how to use that thing, yeah?”
    “It’s not hard!” exclaimed Blue, “But I also know that if I use it now Exeggcute will never learn Solar Beam! Evolutionary stones stop Pokémon learning moves, you moron!”
    “Oh,” answered Maxwell sheepishly, “I didn’t know that… Well, what are you gonna do now anyway?”

    Blue was beginning to think his assessment of Maxwell as a good rival may have been a little hasty. The man was becoming as sappy as Camper Jeff and Blue despised Camper Jeff.

    “I’ve got a Gym to beat, why don’t you go do something useful?” snapped Blue, “I don’t need your help here! You said it yourself, ‘We’re rivals, not lovers’!”
    “Calm it, kid,” retorted Maxwell calmly, “And get over yourself, I was just wondering. Don’t worry, you won’t be seeing me again, you obviously have some serious insecurities you need to get over, so I’ll just let you get on with that.”

    Maxwell turned and left without giving Blue a chance to say another word. Blue thought and decided that this was probably the angriest he had ever been when he was about to enter a Gym. Still, Blue seemed to win the majority of his battles while he was in a rage of some sort and Charmeleon seemed to take after him, so perhaps that wasn’t altogether a bad thing. Blue opened the door to the Gym and saw trees, flowers, bushes and all sorts of plants every where. While he was disgusted by the sight of all this unnecessary vegetation, he took it to mean that the Gym Leader specialised in either Grass types or Bug types. Either would be brilliant, Charmeleon and Pidgeotto were strong against both and many of both types are dual type with Poison, which Kadabra was strong against – this Gym was bound to be a cake walk.

    Blue mentally took back this statement almost as soon as he made it, the Gym was nigh on impossible to navigate, there were tiny trees and annoying Gym Trainers everywhere. The Gym Trainers were pretty simple to deal with, the real annoyance was the trees, they were impossible to get past and yet they seemed to block every reasonable path in the Gym. Blue thought about his options, he could either enlist the help of someone with a Pokémon that knows Cut, somehow obtain a Pokémon that knows Cut or somehow obtain a copy of the Cut HM.

    The only person Blue had ever met who had a Pokémon that knew the move Cut was Camper Jeff, it was also possible that Red had the move if the Captain of the S.S. Anne had taught it to one of his Pokémon. However, even if Blue had had the ability to contact either of these people, he most certainly would not have, which pretty much eliminated the possibility of his first two options. Blue also had no idea where he would be able to obtain a copy of the Cut HM, it really did seem like there was no way he was going to get to the Gym Leader’s chamber.

    Then Blue was hit with an idea and the best part of it was that it was incredibly simple and yet Red would not be able to replicate it. The small, scraggly trees would never support Blue’s weight and yet it would have been hopeless to try and break them, however, around them there were many trees which were much thicker and Blue knew that these would definitely take his weight. The main reason Red would not be able to perform this same task was because Red had the athletic abilities of a brick, Blue had always been superior to him in that respect.

    Blue successfully climbed the tree and whooped with joy as he reached the top. Unfortunately, his excitement caused him to fall to the bottom of the tree, causing an even bigger scene that he had in the first place. As Blue was groaning and nursing his wounds, a woman with dark black hair wearing a kimono approached him.

    “Greetings,” said the woman in an infuriatingly serene voice, “My name is Erika and I am the Gym Leader here. I assume you’re here for me?”

    Blue's Team: Charmeleon, Pidgeotto, Kadabra, Gyarados, Exeggcute
    Blue’s Box: Metapod, Beedrill, Meowth, Bellsprout
    Blue's Pokédex: 16 Caught, 67 Seen
    Blue’s Badges: 4

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