Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Commander - Page 2

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Thread: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Commander

  1. #16
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Adminstrator

    Thanks! I did have an idea earlier today, although I don't really know when I'll write it.

  2. #17
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Commander

    Hmm. I was with you until Cyrus beat Luxray. We're talking about a guy who abhors violence to the point where he's willing to eliminate all emotion to get rid of it anywhere it happens. Certainly it'd be reasonable to assume that he himself has a violent streak, but he's also repressed to an insane degree. I think it'd be more in character if he *started* to hit it but then stopped himself.

    It was really jarring, given the lengths he goes to to eliminate things just like that.

  3. #18
    is obsessed with Noivern! Zekurom's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rings: Diary of a Team Galactic Commander

    Quote Originally Posted by Iron Mask Marauder View Post
    It was really jarring, given the lengths he goes to to eliminate things just like that.
    I imagine that it's also a measure of irony that he does that. He purports to abhor violence, but he's willing to resort to violence to rid the world of it. It's a bit like using technology to defeat technology, or using capitalism to rid the world of capitalism. It never seems to work.

    And that comment will remain while I try to rate this fic for the awards.

    Grammar, style, and flow: 6/10

    You manage to make the fic go by without any hitches - except for a few parts:

    Once out of earshot, Cyrus found his Luxray outside of its Poké Ball, and promptly beat the Pokémon before returning it.
    This part felt a bit rushed - it didn't stop for long enough to really express Saturn's feelings about the whole thing. It's just... mentioned, like something that happens in passing.

    Overall rating: 55/100

    Being a one-shot, sometimes there aren't any specific things that I can pick on - this would be one of those fics, where nothing is expressed by itself, but they just all go together in a bunch.

    I'm not really sure this functions that well as a story - it seems, and reads, more like an essay or even a poem than a narrative.

    While that isn't a bad thing in itself, for the purposes of being a fanfic, it can be a bit of a problem.

    In terms of being a work of literature in general, though, the rating would be much better.
    The word "quadragonal" is the only word with "dragon" in it where "dragon" is not a root word. That makes it awesome.

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