Thread: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 20 - Route One Rumble!)

When is chapter 3 anyway?

Originally Posted by Korea

When is chapter 3 anyway?

I think leg said every sunday he will post a new chapter...hopefully sooner! *hint hint*

Anyways, I'm excited to see what you've done with the battles. I wonder if Ash wins or advances furhter this time!

And this gold coin mystery is sounding hella awesome!

Originally Posted by Lass

I think leg said every sunday he will post a new chapter...hopefully sooner! *hint hint*

Anyways, I'm excited to see what you've done with the battles. I wonder if Ash wins or advances furhter this time!

And this gold coin mystery is sounding hella awesome!

Okay good!

Originally Posted by Legacy

Thanks for the nice words everyone! There's got to be stuff I could have done better tho.

To be honest, I didn't see any glaring errors. I'm usually pretty harsh when it comes to fanfics but I'm not seeing anything wrong with this one so far. Not even sentence structure-wise, which is my area of expertise.

Originally Posted by JSnake

To be honest, I didn't see any glaring errors. I'm usually pretty harsh when it comes to fanfics but I'm not seeing anything wrong with this one so far. Not even sentence structure-wise, which is my area of expertise.

Hah thanks. I'm sure there will be more errors to come. Chapter three will be up shortly...

Nice chapter!!!!

Hi there, Legacy. You asked for a review, and here it is.

Prologue

Firstly, I noticed that a lot of your sentences are really, really long. You should variate between long sentences and short sentences, as to make it not seem so much like a list.

Originally Posted by Legacy

At this time of night especially, this section of the forest’s floor looked almost impossible to navigate as there were no beaten paths, and the entangled web of low-hanging branches, bushes and other vegetation dominated the area.

This is a giant sentence. I'm sure you're capable of making at least two sentences out of that. It'll sound a lot better, too.

I won't point out every gigantic, almost-like-a-run-on sentence you make. I'll just point out the ones that try to make themselves into their own paragraphs. Remember: a paragraph is generally three sentences. Try not to make them shorter than that, unless you're wanting to emphasize a specific phrase.

Here's an example of a paragraph (three sentences - good) that appears like a list. I'll separate the phrases to show you want I mean:

Originally Posted by Legacy

Only a few varieties of bugs and rodents scurried about the forest, barely visible in the darkness.
This area normally teemed with life during a sunny day because it was many miles away from any city, road, or Pokémon center, which meant that no humans ever came around the area to disturb it.
The pokémon and plants were free to prosper and live without interruption…except for the chilly, wet weather on this night.

Pretty big phrases, especially that one in the middle. It makes the reader feel like they're reading, as said, an enormous list. Spice it up a bit and variate between long sentences and shorter ones.

Originally Posted by Legacy

But a closer look revealed a strange and dark building standing within the shroud of vegetation.

This should be connected with the paragraph describing the forest. Keep all descriptive phrases detailing one area in the same spot. You'll need to reconstruct the final phrase of the paragraph before that sentence, though, since a sentence cannot begin with "but".

Originally Posted by Legacy

To the typical passerby, the area would probably look like nothing more than a secluded section of this vast maze of nature. And in such a deep part of the endless jungle, the only people who encountered the warehouse were those who already knew of its secret location.

Again, gigantic phrases. You also start a sentence with "and"; you can't do that, normally. You should try to rephrase it to shorten the sentences and make the paragraph flow better overall.

Originally Posted by Legacy

No. There is was again.

I believe you mean "it", not "is".

Originally Posted by Legacy

I don‘t have time for games,” the man growled mercilessly.

Oh dear, that's a bizarre apostrophe xD

Originally Posted by Legacy

“I appreciate the loyalty, Professor(.)” The man in the suit said without much sincerity.

Oops. That period (in parenthesis) should be a comma; the following phrase isn't a separate statement, but a description of how the dialogue is being said.

Chapter One

Originally Posted by Legacy

“…But first, our top story this evening…(,)”

That comma (in parenthesis) is unnecessary. The elipses themselves act as a comma as well as giving a training effect, and therefore shouldn't be followed by one.

Originally Posted by Legacy

T.V.

I would generally avoid these abbreviations in narration, but not dialogue. Since it's a question of style, though, it's technically not incorrect. I just thought I'd mention that.

Originally Posted by Legacy

The barely sixteen-year old girl stretched and yawned before coaxing her body out of bed and began to get dressed during the commercial break.

You almost got it! But that should read "sixteen-year-old girl". It's a compound adjective from the number until "old".

Originally Posted by Legacy

At least she’d do something productive before the show came back on(.) Although…how could getting dressed at night time after spending all day depressed in bed be considered productive?

That period after "on" would be better as a semi-colon.

Originally Posted by Legacy

The old man sort of looked like a diminutive Santa Clause as he spoke in his scraggily voice, the girl thought to herself.

To avoid confusion, I suggest placing thoughts in italics. This then separates it from dialogue and the narration.

Originally Posted by Legacy

She never opened up to Ash about her feelings about him back then, and she naturally became sadder and sadder with each day she spent alone in the gym away from him. As her mood continued to deteriorate over time, the phone calls and weekend visits between the two youngsters became less and less frequent.

She just figured Ash had forgotten about her…or worse, he had stopped caring.

She knew, at least, that he had cared about her at one point. She thought back to that day when she, Ash and their other good friend, Brock, split up following their journey through the Johto Region over five years ago.

She remembered how Ash had looked at her when he realized he wouldn’t be traveling with her everyday anymore. She remembered how he had told her that the two of them were meant to meet and become friends. She remembered seeing what she thought was a tear fall from Ash’s glistening brown eyes just before they went their separate ways.

There's a heck of a lot of "She"s there! You should replace some of them with something. Perhaps a name, or "the girl", or something along those lines.

You also forgot a space after the elipses... between "her... or".

Originally Posted by Legacy

“I need to be there,” she said almost out of nowhere, as she stared into space. She was shocked when she heard the words escape from her lips.

Again. The "She" invasion.

Originally Posted by Legacy

he has…me.”

You need a space between "has... me".

Originally Posted by Legacy

the gym for a few days…say she

Again, a space between "days... say".

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Come on now, Misty…(,)”

No comma at the end of an elipses.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Or…maybe you need him.”

Space required again: "Or... maybe".

Chapter Two

Originally Posted by Legacy

Ring-Ring-Ring…Ring-Ring-Ring… The phone rang on the other end for what seemed like forever.

No mistakes here, but it's generally unprofessional to use onomatopeoia when you're writing. This means, no "Creeeeeeek" or "Ring-Ring-Ring" or ""Whoosh!"

You do that here, too:

Originally Posted by Legacy

“KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!!!”

May I ask why there are quotes on them this time? You didn't do it for Ring-Ring-Ring so I'm just wondering.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Umm…like…You

Spaces between words and elipses.

"Umm... like... You"

You do the "no space between elipses and words" mistake a lot; you'll need to root through all three entries and fix them.

Originally Posted by Legacy

A beautiful teenage girl--probably around the same age as the boy

If Ash is fifteen, then Dawn would be twelve. It's a bit creepy to describe a twelve-year-old girl (who isn't your daughter) as "beautiful".

Originally Posted by Legacy

Good to see you(.)”

That period needs to be a comma.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Haha, good to see me? How long has it been since you last saw me? Like three days?” The girl asked in a sarcastic tone with a smile.

The "T" in "The" needs to be lower-case.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Ash, you‘re

It's that crazy apostrophe again! Where is that from xD?

Originally Posted by Legacy

Don’t go, Dawn(.)” The boy pleaded.

That period needs to be a comma.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“I really am glad you came, Dawn(.)” Ash heard himself say.

That period needs to be a comma.

Originally Posted by Legacy

The two had split temporarily after their Sinnoh adventures a few years ago and went their separate ways for a few months.

A "few" years ago generally means more than four. Dawn and Ash travelled around Sinnoh when she was 10 and Ash was 13. Since Ash is now fifteen, it would be more appropriate to say a "couple years ago".

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Yeah…you said that already, Silly.”

The "S" in "Silly" should be lower-case.

Originally Posted by Legacy

Now, at almost fifteen years old, she was starting to resemble the glamorous and stunningly gorgeous Pokémon Coordinators she had always watched on television and idolized for their style and beauty.

A bit weird. Dawn should be thirteen; not "almost fifteen". Source

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Alright Ash, I‘ll let you get ready for bed, but before I go back to the hotel…

In bold, that should read "All right". The term "alright" is actually slang and a mispelling. People thought it was correct because of "altogether" and "although", but it's not. "All right" is the correct spelling.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“What a crazy day(,)” Ash’s voice trailed off as he drifted off into a deep sleep.

That comma should be elipses. He's trailing off - elipses are used to signify "trailing" of some sorts.

Overview

Great story; very descriptive. In the prologue specifically, you wrote excessively large sentences that made it feel like a list. I suggest you go back and break it up so it's smoother to read. In chapters one and two, you fix this to an extent, but it can still be improved. Chapter one is especially redundant with "She"s all over the place. I realize you want to keep Misty's name until the end, but you do mention it's a girl, and you do mention she's a Gym Leader. I suggest you review it and replace the necessary "She"s with "the girl" or "the gym leader". That way, the reader won't get bored reading the same word four times in two sentences.

Your grammar is great; you spell things with great accuracy. The only issue was the "all right", but that's a mistake that a lot of people make and a lot of people don't know of its correct spelling. You do make that funky apostrophe sometimes; your real problem seems to be commas before the end of dialogue, and commas at the end of elipses. Spacing after elipses is also something you need to review and work on.

I'm not sure what the plot is exactly, but you develop characters and scenes formidably.

Bravo to you. You get a cookie.

/Internet-cookie-is-given

Hey thanks Yusshin! Great advice. I am going back to try to clean up the things you mentioned.

Originally Posted by Yusshin

If Ash is fifteen, then Dawn would be twelve. It's a bit creepy to describe a twelve-year-old girl (who isn't your daughter) as "beautiful".


A "few" years ago generally means more than four. Dawn and Ash travelled around Sinnoh when she was 10 and Ash was 13. Since Ash is now fifteen, it would be more appropriate to say a "couple years ago".


A bit weird. Dawn should be thirteen; not "almost fifteen". Source

The age thing is definitely something I thought long and hard about before writing. I know technically, Ash started his journey at age 10 and met dawn about 3 years into his journey.

But IMO Ash and Dawn are supposed to be nearly the same age in the anime. I'm not trying to get into an aging argument (there are threads on the anime forum for that), but for the purpose of my story, Ash is almost 16 and Dawn has just turned 14.

Hrm... So let me get this straight xD >confused<

Let's say Dawn was born in January 1992 and Ash, in October 1989. That would make, in 2010 right now, Dawn would be 18, and Ash would be 20 and almost 21, so in October, their age difference would be three; however, in-between January and October, it would appear that Dawn would be two years younger for a while, but at some point, it becomes three because of months?

That's how I understand the age thing xD I hope I got that right?

:P

Originally Posted by Yusshin

Hrm... So let me get this straight xD >confused<

Let's say Dawn was born in January 1992 and Ash, in October 1989. That would make, in 2010 right now, Dawn would be 18, and Ash would be 20 and almost 21, so in October, their age difference would be three; however, in-between January and October, it would appear that Dawn would be two years younger for a while, but at some point, it becomes three because of months?

That's how I understand the age thing xD I hope I got that right?

:P

Hah I don't know. I don't treat their ages as strictly because in the anime they give us an exact sense of exactly how old ash is when he meets dawn. So for the purpose of my story I just chose to make ash 15 and dawn 14.

I always saw Ash and Dawn as nearly the same age, maybe Ash older by a little bit. I think him being 15 almost 16, and her being 14 is believeable. Either way it doesnt take away from the story me thinks.

I can't wait for Dawn's dream scene.

Originally Posted by SSJ3_Raditz

I can't wait for Dawn's dream scene.

LOL! I really need to tone that part down so that that's not the only part people remember. haha

Well, as promised, my review -

Hmm. I'm pleasantly surprised, I didn't expect to like this. Overall, good style, good grasp of atmopshere, not a lot in the way of obvious grammatical errors

The prologue is interesting, though I should like to see how it fits into the main story soon. Good atmosphere, I could imagine the scene quite clearly. Perhaps a tiny bit more descriptive than nessecary, BUT in a prologue it's better to be too descriptive than not descriptive enough

Chapter One was surprisingly intense. Misty is very relatable, despite being a bit more misanthropic than a real person would have any right to be - that's quite hard to do. I suppose though, that I had better get my opinions about the shippiness out of the way now. It's not bad, in fact I wasn't immediately turned off by it so it's actually quite good indeed. I just feel that it would be altogether more compelling for Misty to be bitterly missing her best friend. Romance is completely selfish, whereas a great friendship is organic and built on platonic love. I suspect I am the only person to think this way, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't change it

You've introduced a lot of concepts early on, I like that. The stage is apparently pretty much set for the rest of the story. As to Chapter Two, well this is where I begin to have doubts. Ash is very much Ash, fair enough. That's an older version of his anime persona, right there (I prefer sticking to established personality, it requires more skill as a writer). I'm not really sure about this Ash/Dawn thing going on, on top of the Misty plot from the previous chapter. Were this a full book I'd be reserving judgment and waiting to see how it fits in later - I hope in this case I won't be disappointed.

Nevertheless I do rather feel that Ash's reaction to Dawn's peck-on-the-cheek was a bit overblown. It' the first part of the story that I thought "Yep, I'm reading fanfic" - up until then I was reading as if it were a published work. Romance of any kind is much more relatable and compelling when the little things are just that. By all means, Ash should remark upon it, in his thoughts. Just not quite so explosively

Tullio

Originally Posted by Tullio

Well, as promised, my review -

Hmm. I'm pleasantly surprised, I didn't expect to like this. Overall, good style, good grasp of atmopshere, not a lot in the way of obvious grammatical errors

The prologue is interesting, though I should like to see how it fits into the main story soon. Good atmosphere, I could imagine the scene quite clearly. Perhaps a tiny bit more descriptive than nessecary, BUT in a prologue it's better to be too descriptive than not descriptive enough

Chapter One was surprisingly intense. Misty is very relatable, despite being a bit more misanthropic than a real person would have any right to be - that's quite hard to do. I suppose though, that I had better get my opinions about the shippiness out of the way now. It's not bad, in fact I wasn't immediately turned off by it so it's actually quite good indeed. I just feel that it would be altogether more compelling for Misty to be bitterly missing her best friend. Romance is completely selfish, whereas a great friendship is organic and built on platonic love. I suspect I am the only person to think this way, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't change it

You've introduced a lot of concepts early on, I like that. The stage is apparently pretty much set for the rest of the story. As to Chapter Two, well this is where I begin to have doubts. Ash is very much Ash, fair enough. That's an older version of his anime persona, right there (I prefer sticking to established personality, it requires more skill as a writer). I'm not really sure about this Ash/Dawn thing going on, on top of the Misty plot from the previous chapter. Were this a full book I'd be reserving judgment and waiting to see how it fits in later - I hope in this case I won't be disappointed.

Nevertheless I do rather feel that Ash's reaction to Dawn's peck-on-the-cheek was a bit overblown. It' the first part of the story that I thought "Yep, I'm reading fanfic" - up until then I was reading as if it were a published work. Romance of any kind is much more relatable and compelling when the little things are just that. By all means, Ash should remark upon it, in his thoughts. Just not quite so explosively

Tullio

Hey thanks for the review! I really appreciate it. Yeah, the Ash/Dawn reaction at the end of chapter 2 was difficult. I was trying to capture how we all felt when we were young teens around the opposite sex: confused, scared, shy, etc.

Anyways, I look forward to more reviews from you as I go along. Hahah

Thanks again!