Thread: POKEMON: The Power Inside (Chapter 20 - Route One Rumble!)

Originally Posted by Yasutora Sado

Great chapters! Oh man, can't wait for Lance v Ash :)

Based on how he was in the games, that wuss won't stand a chance. In a few mintues, Ash will have Lance running back to little girlfriend/cousin Clair.

So the two alliances join forces. A little advise for the battle, since it's gonna be six on six you should try to write the battle completely. Now it might get a little boring, so every time a round finishes think about what you want to do for the next one if you jump right into it things might turn bad; that is unless you already have your ideas set on what you're going to do.

Originally Posted by Flame Haze

So the two alliances join forces. A little advise for the battle, since it's gonna be six on six you should try to write the battle completely. Now it might get a little boring, so every time a round finishes think about what you want to do for the next one if you jump right into it things might turn bad; that is unless you already have your ideas set on what you're going to do.

Can you elaborate more on this part? I want all the advice I can get.

^^
Actually, Legacy, I would suggest you make the battle complete pwnage on steroids. Just have all of them trying to beat eachother up at once. Think of how impossibly wild you can make it, and just go for it. Bleh.

Also, I want to see BlackThornShipping.

Originally Posted by Legacy

Can you elaborate more on this part? I want all the advice I can get.

Well, sort of how you used to do the battles before, physical and elemental alike. But you have to make sure to keep the action going, it's harder to do in a six on six battle than in a three on three because the writer starts to derail and the battle loses it's edge. This is what I mean, when either Ash or Lance loses a Pokemon think about it first before you keep going with the battle, in other words think you're in the battle yourself describe everything in a strategic and entertaining well, but to do that you have to focus and think of what you could do to make it work. This is all I can get out of my mind for now sorry.

Noob, I don't even know if Claire appears here she didn't in the last fic.

Keep up the great work! I love this series!

Fantastic chapter. The buildup to this battle is awesome and I really hope it isn't Ashs last battle of the tourney. Mistys wink at dawn at the end was hilarious, I'm really glad she's here.

I'm super excited for this battle!

Ash has to beat Lance! Great chapter although I was hoping this would be the battle chapter. I love the student vs teacher like thing you got goin here between Ash and Lance

Awesome chapter!
The way you portray the boss is amazing, personally i wouldn't have had him shouting until the parchment was burned, as it would have showed a cold outside, yet on the inside he would have been bricking it, then he shows his true colours when the map is burned. Just my opinion.
Looking forward to Ash v Lance, i'm sure it will be your best battle sequence so far!

Originally Posted by some colour no doubt

Awesome chapter!
The way you portray the boss is amazing, personally i wouldn't have had him shouting until the parchment was burned, as it would have showed a cold outside, yet on the inside he would have been bricking it, then he shows his true colours when the map is burned. Just my opinion.
Looking forward to Ash v Lance, i'm sure it will be your best battle sequence so far!

Oh yeah I agree with this about the boss. There are just so many interesting layers to this story:

- the tournament
- the luceus/arceus thing
- the evil boss with mewthree
- the three orbs scroll thing
- the prisoner sai
- misty dawn ash triangle
-

Great chapter! Keep it up!!!!

As I always say (and always mean), thanks everyone who's read and commented. Ash vs. Lance is in the works. My goal is to make it a truly epic battle!

Originally Posted by Legacy

As I always say (and always mean), thanks everyone who's read and commented. Ash vs. Lance is in the works. My goal is to make it a truly epic battle!

This chapter was awesome! I was kind of hoping for the battle, but I suppose an introduction was necessary. Keep up the great work!!!

I hope we see Gliscor!!

Originally Posted by Legacy

Inside the luxurious office, its owner was still wearing his crisp, black business suit, had returned to his comfy leather chair behind his desk and was now reclined with his feet up, watching and listening to the television news coverage from Sapphire City intently.

Just wanted to point out, this sentence doesn't make much sense. If you take out the part about "it's owner...", (which is an appositive and should theoretically be able to be removed from the sentence) you get:
Inside the luxurious office, had returned to his comfy leather chair behind his desk and was now reclined with his feet up, watching and listening to the television news coverage from Sapphire City intently.
I think it's that comma after "business suit", marked in red, which should be changed to "and" or another such coordinating conjunction.

Originally Posted by Legacy

But, unwilling to show weakness or fear, he scoffed at the man and continued to shout.

You forgot a comma after "But" (I've marked it in white).

Originally Posted by Legacy

The boss instantly began thinking of the glowing crystal orb that Professor Moss had made the life source of his magnificent killer Pokémon …

"Pokemon" should capitalized

Originally Posted by Legacy

“All right, Sai. You may simply call me, ‘Boss.’”

You don't need that comma.

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Mom! I’ve told you, like, a thousand times! I feel fine!”

You need to offset "like" from the rest of the sentence. (Course, using, like, 'like' in a sentence isn't technically correct either)

Originally Posted by Legacy

“Kick some butt out there!” she smiled sweetly and turned to return to her seat in the crowd.

That 's' should be lowercase.

M'kay, that's all the grammar mistakes I could fine. And for chapter's this long, that's perfectly fine. (and I nitpick a lot anyways, so...)

I'm going to agree with the others and suggest an epic battle, but somehow I don't think that that'll change anything. Worth a shot. (I like how you had that foreshadowing about Ash's losing. Either it's really subtle foreshadowing or you tricked me. Both work fine.)

Yeah, I'm looking forward to the next chapter too. You've done a really good job so far.