Pokemon New Generation: New Beginnings (Finished) - Page 2
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Thread: Pokemon New Generation: New Beginnings (Finished)

  1. #16
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    I have before, as did Barb. If you really wanted me to, I could go line by line and take apart every single thing...

    But for now I'll go with an excerpt.


    “Excuse me is this your pichu” ask the woman holding pichu happily in her arms, “yeah it’s mine, thanks” he picked pichu from the girls arms “now problem what’s your name” “Ashian and yours”, “my name is Joy Nurse Joy to be exact”.
    Who the heck is talking? It's impossible to tell the way that's formatted because you cram it all into one paragraph. Also, even without that, you start their dialogue sentences with lowercase letters even though they're new sentences and should thereby be capitalized.

    Ashian stayed in the pokemon center got a room to sleep bought some food for his and Evelyn’s pokemon which she gave to him while she was going to the deliver the package then the pokecell one of the new devices for pokemon trainer started ringing, “hello who is this”.
    How can that honestly be one sentence?

    “Ashian it’s me Evelyn” Evelyn sounded worry “what is it Evelyn” “the Viridian lab has been attack for some guys dress in black I need you to come and bring my pokemon” the signal got cut off “guys no time for lunch we have to go help Evelyn”.
    How does Evelyn sound worried? Describe it to us rather than telling us the result. And again you cram multiple lines of dialogue into one paragraph, and again you don't capitalize when you need to. Also, "has been attack for some guys dress in black"? What the heck does that even MEAN?

    Ashian left the center and went running through the whole town when he got there he saw a bunch of fireman and policeman crowded in the lab they were waiting for something to happen or afraid that something might happen if they made a move.
    Massive runon again here too, and you give us no details. There's these people standing around not doing anything, but you really don't say what makes them so afraid.

    “Hey sir what happen” ask Ashian “this lab has been attack the people had already took hostage and they said that if we make a move they’ll burst the whole place into flame with their houndooms”.
    And, out of all the people to be petrified by that, the POLICE and the FIREMEN are? The ones with the training to DEAL with such things? Firefighters in particular, given that they're dealing with threats of, you know, FIRE and all.

    So seriously, I don't see you taking anyone's advice. And then you go and complain in another thread in this same area--which I'm mod of so I read EVERYTHING here--rather than taking it up with me.

  2. #17
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    you're right I shouldn't have said that and your right about the errors, I wasn't really thinking when I wrote I was just so worry that you wouldn't like it considering taht I haven't gotten any good reviews guess I just got angry at you well thank you for the help, but since I am new it still hard.

  3. #18
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Well, you said you want help, but you don't really put forth an effort.

    You say "it's hard", but what's hard about it? You have paragraphs (unlike some other "authors" I could name), so you clearly know how to use them at all, what's hard about making a new paragraph for every time the dialogue switches to someone else?

    And I know spelling is hard. Believe me, I suck at spelling too. I'm constantly having to look stuff up or to have someone else go over things I write. But honestly, your title still has "genration" and "bigining" in it!

  4. #19
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Hey do you know how to change the titles cause I didn't meant put the new begining part I actually thought that's were you put the name of your chapter so can you tell me how I can change it.

  5. #20
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Edit your first post's title, which is the title of the thread.

    Sometimes that works and sometimes it only changes how the title looks on your post...but yours hasn't had either changed.

  6. #21
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    here's my next chapter I changed the title from a treeko of a battle to a thunder of a battle hope it's at least a tiny bit better.

    POKEMON NEW GENERATION EPISODE 5
    A THUNDER OF A BATTLE

    Last time on pokemon new generation Ashian and Evelyn got to Viridian city so that Evelyn could deliver a package she was carrying, the last thing they new the science lab that Evelyn went to was attack by Susanne a troop of people dress in grey black, while Ashian went to find Evelyn he’s attempts fail and he got captured too and when he and Evelyn were free Susanne discover them leaving Ashian and Susanne in one of the biggest battle in Ashian’s live.

    Ashian was worried thinking of an strategy to defeat Susanne but hadn’t come up with nothing “okay now she is using her porygon a pokemon that can get into computers and control everything technologic, which means that my pichu’s electric attacks won’t work, plus I am not even sure how strong it is, but then again I only need to make sure they don’t get the viridian ruby”.

    “what cha thinking kid,” (Susanne was tired of waiting for Ashian) “do you think that you can beat me someone that has been a trainer since before you were even born,” Susanne added.

    “you know experienced is not the only thing a trainer needs you also need the love of your pokemon and their trust no matter how strong you are, and I’m gonna show you that,” right at that moment Ashian came up with the idea that might give him the battle.

    “I got it,” Ashian smiled finally coming up with something, “now Susanne what do you think about a 5:00 battle”.

    “a time limit battle why do you want to do that” Susanne was confused on Ashian crazy idea considering one of her specialties were time limit battles.

    “just thinking that it goes well” Ashian was super confident now “considering that I gave charmander an order to blow up the place if I lose”.

    “what the, why would you do that” Susanne was now astounded for what Ashian said “you’ll blow yourself up to”.

    “if it stops you from getting the viridian ruby then I’ll do anything” Ashian had finally gotten all ready and now it was time for his battle”.

    “now battle” Ashian yelled.

    Ashian vs. Susanne 5:00 limit battle.

    “now for the strategy to begin, go pichu use you thunder bolt on porygon” pichu started running to porygon when he was close to him porygon just dodge the attack leaving the thunder bolt falling in the generator behind porygon.
    “bad start kid, now porygon use your zap cannon” porygon fired a bright blue lightning from it’s body which hit pichu and gave a lot of damage.

    “well pichu now we have to keep going use thunder bolt all over the place,” pichu fired many different thunder bolts to every side of the hall and hitting every computer there was.

    “what are you planning to do kid, you think you can just use thunder bolt and beat me, well keep dreaming, porygon use your tri attack,” porygon created to different color spheres one of them was light yellow, the other one was aqua blue, and the last one was dark red when this sphere got to pichu it got three types of status effect paralysis, freeze, and burn.

    “How did that happen” Ashian was too confused to think of anything else “how is it possible that pichu got three status problems at once”.

    “tri attack is an attack that can give three status problems, now to finish this porygon use your sparks” porygon got surrounded by charging electricity and charged at pichu, “pichu dodge” Ashian had gave pichu the last command that will make his plan successful.

    When pichu dodge the attack it caused porygon to lose it’s balanced and end up getting into one of the machines but it couldn’t come out which is one of it’s ability which let him in and out of machines but he couldn’t get out now.

    “finally I am done and just in time” the clock showed 4:55 p.m. five minutes after they started the battle Ashian had won.

    “nice one you electrocuted the machines so that when porygon got in the machines it would not come out that’s a good strategy by the way I want to know something,”. “what,” Ashian ask “do you know that your father still alive”.

    “what do you know about my dad,” after that Susanne raised her hand and a cloud of smoke came to the hall Ashian couldn’t see anything when the cloud disappeared and Susanne wasn’t there anymore.

    Ashian came out of the building with his head down after hearing that his father is alive but in the end didn’t got to know anything.

    “Ashian your okay” Evelyn came running to Ashian glad that her friend had made it out alive “I thought you were dead” Evelyn was crying out of happiness.

    “yeah I am glad your okay too” he left Evelyn and went right to the officers and fireman, “hey I got a question what where you scared of what could have happen if the houndoom would have attack your fireman you can take out the flames”.

    “yeah well you see the reason we didn’t do anything if cause they didn’t just say they’ll set the place on fire they also said that if we do something they might set the whole city in flames they had it surrounded, we thought that even if we are fireman we can’t take all those flames out at once”. The firemen look at Ashian that had a more calm look on his face.

    Hours later is night already in Viridian city Ashian was sitting in the sofa of the main lobby of the pokemon center Evelyn was already sleep but Ashian was thinking about what Susanne said about his dad and is Susanne and her goons captured him but one thing he did know is that no matter what he wouldn’t stop searching for his father not even if he has to kill everyone of those guys.

    The next morning Ashian and Evelyn were prepared to leave Viridian when suddenly Ashian’s pokecell started ringing, “hello who it is”.

    “Ashian trainer we want to see you could you come to the Viridian park to see us”. A voice said.

    “who is this” Ashian yelled then the call ended.

    “who was it Ashian” asked Evelyn, “I don’t know but you go I’ll catch up to you later okay” Ashian said smiling then Evelyn left.

    Now a new battle might be about to start what awaits Ashian.

    END OF CHAPTER 5 NEXT CHAPTER WHEN YOU WANT A FIGHT CALL A POKEMON WARRIOR.

  7. #22
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    You still use massive runon sentences.
    “yeah well you see the reason we didn’t do anything if cause they didn’t just say they’ll set the place on fire they also said that if we do something they might set the whole city in flames they had it surrounded, we thought that even if we are fireman we can’t take all those flames out at once”. The firemen look at Ashian that had a more calm look on his face.
    ...what? That last sentence doesn't even make any SENSE.

    Not to mention you have inappropiate puncuation use throughout:
    “nice one you electrocuted the machines so that when porygon got in the machines it would not come out that’s a good strategy by the way I want to know something,”. “what,” Ashian ask “do you know that your father still alive”.
    Another runon, another multi-spoken paragraph, and that last part is supposed to be a question, right? Why doesn't it have a question MARK?

  8. #23
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    the big sentence at the end it means that Ashian wasn't that angry anymor for the police and firemen not doing anything.

    and about the father thing i kinda got carried away sorry :(

  9. #24
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Well, you'd never know it meant that from that. Perhaps more of "Ashian had a calmer look on his face" or something.

  10. #25
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    hey blackjack I got a question is it against the rules to make two fics at the same time not that I am doing that but just so I can know.

  11. #26
    A black and white world Blackjack Gabbiani's Avatar
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    Why would it be against the rules to do that? Of course you can!

    But please try to work on the next one...

  12. #27
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    yeah I'll do by the way the next chapter should be up about next week I been trying to see what to put on it and I finally came up with the story for next chapter.

    by the way I have a lot of ideas for making my second fic but can you help me.

    My first idea is like pokemon adventures but is more gamebased well kinda the characters are the same as the game but I give them a few twist here and there and maybe i'll add somethings about the show.

    the second idea is a fic about Richie's journey you know do something that could say why he is how he is how he ended up after the pokemon league and what pokemon he captured.

    so I want you to help me decide Which story is better.
    Last edited by Flaze; 10th October 2008 at 09:12 PM.

  13. #28
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    okay here's the next chapter and lets just say tha I added a character that a lot of people may know well.

    WHEN YOU WANT A BATTLE CALL A POKEMON WARRIOR

    After Ashian battled Susanne so that he could save the Viridian science lab. He won the battle, but after it the weirdest thing happened. Ashian received a call from an anonymous person who told him that he should go to the center of Viridian if he wanted to know the true about his father.

    Ashian was thinking of all that has happen to him and Evelyn. “Okay, lets recapitalized what has happen. First Evelyn and me meet Susanne, then when we finally get to Viridian the lab gets attack by Susanne and some weirdoes, then to top it off some guy calls me to tell me he know something about my dad. How come my day keeps getting weirder by the minute.”

    As he got to the Viridian center, he saw a lot of people there it was practically full, there were like a hundred people fighting to get in one store. Upstairs there were at least five hundred trainers in the virtual battle simulator.

    “Wow so it’s true what they say about this place being a good hang out place” Ashian was standing there in awe.

    Just then his pokecell started ringing again. “Who is it” Ashian asked.

    The same voice that called last time came out of the pokecell. “Hey I see you did came well then now for the second step.”

    “I’m tired of this games tell me what you want.” Ash now had an angry tone he already had too much crap for the day.

    “Calm Ashian, unless you don’t want to know about your daddy” the man was making fun of Ashian now.

    “Okay, then what the heck do you want just tell me about my dad” Ashian was starting to yell which started making a crowd.

    “Shut up unless you want to get arrested for disturbing the mall” the man told Ashian making him go in a level were he was about to burst but he had to keep it in.

    “Okay, what you want I’ll do it” Ashian had to give up that’s the only way he would know about his dad.

    “Go to the virtual battle simulator, then get into the machine and win a battle against a especial trainer I sent out for you but be careful this could be a hard test for ya. And then come to see me you’ll know who I am I assure you that” The man hung up.

    “Lets go” Ashian went to the escalator ready to do what the man told him.
    When Ashian got into the virtual simulator. He saw two kids fighting one of them had a green shirt, Black pants a silver bandana and a poketch was fighting against a kid with a red sleeveless shirt, brown pants moccasins shoes and had a messy hair.

    Ashian went to the machine apparently the two boys were wearing helmets that made them able to go into a virtual world and battle there. There was a pokeball holder apparently you put your pokeballs there and the machine enables the pokemon to go to the virtual world with the trainer and that way they can battle in different sets of battles, the kids were battling in the fire world a world that help fire pokemon.

    “Battle starts, pokemon trainer Johnny against pokemon trainer Casey” the machine said and the battle started.

    Trainer Johnny vs. trainer Casey

    Johnny was battling with a magby, and Casey was battling with an eleckid.

    “Well, now magby use your ember attack.” Johnny ordered while magby let out a bunch of fire bullets from his mouth.

    “Eleckid has taken extra damage cause of field advantage” the machine announced.

    “Don’t give up eleckid, use your thunder bolt” Casey ordered eleckid.

    Eleckid fired a great thunder bolt which gave magby a strong hit after that magby became paralyzed.

    “Now eleckid use you brick break” Casey said as eleckid’s fist started glowing in light white and it connected with magby knocking it out.

    “I lost” Johnny fell to the floor. Then the screen blackened and both Johnny and Casey took their helmets off.

    “Wow that was so cool, I heard of this things in Pallet something that was just invented, we have to try it” Ashian was more ready than ever.

    “Okay so who is the trainer I have to battle” Ashian asked doubtful that there might even be a trainer to battle him.

    When he was about to give up some one tap his back. “Hey you Ashian” a kid with a red beret with pokeballs on the side, a black jacket, white under shirt, blue jeans, and red and black shoes. He also had blue hair and kinda white skin.

    “Yeah who are you man” Ashian asked confuse.

    “My name is Lucas and I am from twinleaf, I came to battle you” Lucas took his beret off to salute Ashian.

    “Twinleaf, that’s in Sinnoh. What are you doing here, and what does that guy that called me wants” Ash got angry and suspicious about this kid.

    “Hey settle down, lets just go one step at a time first lets go to the simulator so we can start” he pointed at the same simulator Johnny and Casey were playing in.

    “Okay, since this is your first time playing here I’ll explained what you have to do. First you put your helmet on. Ashian put on the helmet a screen appear.

    “Then, you put your pokeballs so that the machine can process it into the simulator” Lucas explained.

    Ashian did that when he put his pokeball, his pokemon appeared in the screen of the helmet.

    “Then we have to select a field since your new I’ll let you chose” Lucas told Ashian the last step.

    Ashian saw the field since he was new he only had the stadium field and the field that match the type of his pokemon. He finally decided to go with the stadium.

    Ashian through the helmet he got teletransported to the stadium field.

    “Wow, that was just cool” Ash was anxious to start his battle now.

    “Ready Ashian cause I don’t plan on holding back” Lucas got his first pokeball.

    Ashian vs. Lucas

    “Now go pichu” Ashian threw his pokeball and out came pichu sending some sparks.

    “Go staravia” Lucas threw his pokeball and a staravia came out.

    “Too bad, pichu has advantage since his an electric type” Ashian was confident now.

    “Nah, never use your first impressions, now go staravia use your areal ace” Lucas ordered.

    Staravia made an areal ace and it hit pichu making some damage.

    “Pichu use your thunder shock” Ashian ordered.

    Pichu send his thunder shock and it hit staravia making super effective damage. Ashian felt great cause after he did that the crowd cheer like it would have been in a real pro match.

    “Now quick attack” Lucas ordered staravia to use a quick attack.

    “Don’t let it pichu use your thunder bolt” Ashian yelled.

    Staravia tried to use it’s quick attack, but pichu cancelled with it’s thunder bolt and defeated staravia.

    “That was great Ashian” Lucas said to Ashian.

    “Thanks” Ashian responded.

    “Yeah but things are just getting started, go piplup” a piplup came out of Ashian’s pokeball saying his name.

    “Time for the second round, return pichu go charmander” Ashian threw charmander’s pokeball into the air and he appeared.

    “Now go use bubble beam” Lucas told his piplup to use bubble beam and it send a barrage of bubbles that hit charmander causing a lot of damage.

    “Charmander use your smokescreen” charmander then send out a lot of smoke which cover the whole field.

    When the smoke clear charmander wasn’t there anymore but there was a big hole in the floor.

    “I see what your trying to do, go piplup use your drill peck to dig in the ground, then use bubble beam” Lucas said. Then piplup’s peck glowed and he started spinning and made another hole and he send a barrage of bubbles in the hole.

    Charmander came out of the whole wet and exhausted since it got hit in it’s tail. But what he didn’t notice is that piplup was prepared since he changed the direction of his bubble beam so that it hit charmander and got him more tire.

    “Charmander use flamethrower” Ashian ordered charmander as he fired a stream of flames.

    “Sorry Ashian but this battle is over, go use aqua jet” Lucas gave piplup his last command as piplup surrounded himself with water and went to attack charmander passing through his flamethrower and it hit charmander knocking it out.

    “I lost but how” Ashian fell to the floor, sad that he had lost such an important battle.
    After that Ashian and Lucas left the machine more angry than ever now he can’t know about his dad.

    “Don’t worry Ashian just because you lost doesn’t mean that I won’t tell you” Lucas had a funny smile on.

    “Are you the guy that called me your voice was more deeper in the pokecell” Ashian said.

    “Yeah, now for the reason on why I called you” Lucas started saying.

    “Okay talked” Ashian was in a hurry to know.

    “Well, you see your father used to be a great pokemon warrior” Lucas started till Ashian interrupted.

    “What’s that” he asked.

    “Pokemon warriors are kinda like pokemon trainers, except they set out of missions giving by other people to protect the world” Lucas kept talking.

    “Your father had the dream of becoming a trainer but he knew all the bad things that were happening so he gave up and went to Sinnoh to become a pokemon warrior since it was a hidden part of Sinnoh so almost no one knew about it” Lucas finish.

    “Are you saying my dad wasn’t a trainer but my mom told me” Ashian got cut off.

    "She didn't told you he was a pokemon warrior so you don’t get in trouble, too late for that I guess” Lucas answered Ashian’s question.

    “I see but is he still alive” Ashian asked.

    “Yes, although I don’t know where he is, now if you wanna know more there’s a secret temple in the Viridian forest” Lucas gave Ashian a map of the temple.

    “Okay then I better go” Ashian said.

    “well be careful things are getting harder by the day” Lucas said.

    Ashian was now about to leave Viridian he decided to leave Evelyn behind he couldn’t get her in more trouble, plus it was better that way.

    As he left he look back and remember what had happen during the whole day including his battle with Lucas, then he left letting all those memories behind.

    END: NEXT CHAPTER TREEKOS AND TEMPLES BUT I WON’T GIVE UP.
    Last edited by Flaze; 27th October 2008 at 04:09 PM.

  14. #29
    Bloody Melt
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    Well...at least you started to make them in paragraphs...

    But seriously. IM. PROVE. ON. YOUR. VOCABULARY. And your grammar. Hmm...Oh yeah, I'm a panda. I forgot...

    *eats a hamburger, shoots elleryferrer and leaves*

    Dictionary: The Panda is a Chinese animal and EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.
    If ya need me, I'm probably playing some Mann vs Machine: http://steamcommunity.com/id/optimatum

  15. #30
    I'll be your shadow Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    I didn't know it was that bad but sometimes is hard for me to think of more words to write after a character speaks.

    And it's almost impossible for me to get a perfect grammar, I mean I'm still learning how to write.
    thanks for posting.

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