I have before, as did Barb. If you really wanted me to, I could go line by line and take apart every single thing...
But for now I'll go with an excerpt.
Who the heck is talking? It's impossible to tell the way that's formatted because you cram it all into one paragraph. Also, even without that, you start their dialogue sentences with lowercase letters even though they're new sentences and should thereby be capitalized.“Excuse me is this your pichu” ask the woman holding pichu happily in her arms, “yeah it’s mine, thanks” he picked pichu from the girls arms “now problem what’s your name” “Ashian and yours”, “my name is Joy Nurse Joy to be exact”.
How can that honestly be one sentence?Ashian stayed in the pokemon center got a room to sleep bought some food for his and Evelyn’s pokemon which she gave to him while she was going to the deliver the package then the pokecell one of the new devices for pokemon trainer started ringing, “hello who is this”.
How does Evelyn sound worried? Describe it to us rather than telling us the result. And again you cram multiple lines of dialogue into one paragraph, and again you don't capitalize when you need to. Also, "has been attack for some guys dress in black"? What the heck does that even MEAN?“Ashian it’s me Evelyn” Evelyn sounded worry “what is it Evelyn” “the Viridian lab has been attack for some guys dress in black I need you to come and bring my pokemon” the signal got cut off “guys no time for lunch we have to go help Evelyn”.
Massive runon again here too, and you give us no details. There's these people standing around not doing anything, but you really don't say what makes them so afraid.Ashian left the center and went running through the whole town when he got there he saw a bunch of fireman and policeman crowded in the lab they were waiting for something to happen or afraid that something might happen if they made a move.
And, out of all the people to be petrified by that, the POLICE and the FIREMEN are? The ones with the training to DEAL with such things? Firefighters in particular, given that they're dealing with threats of, you know, FIRE and all.“Hey sir what happen” ask Ashian “this lab has been attack the people had already took hostage and they said that if we make a move they’ll burst the whole place into flame with their houndooms”.
So seriously, I don't see you taking anyone's advice. And then you go and complain in another thread in this same area--which I'm mod of so I read EVERYTHING here--rather than taking it up with me.