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  1. #16
    Child of the Atom Hellion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    Ok. I appreciate your comment. I just wanted to know if you thought there was a way to improve the story and understand what you meant.

    Thank you for the input :D
    Last edited by Hellion; 3rd November 2010 at 11:13 PM.

  2. #17
    Poet Laureate AiedailEclipsed's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    Very nice Gible! I saw very few errors, mainly some word choice. Overall, a great story.
    "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."
    -- Narrator, Pokemon: Jirachi Wish Maker
    "You can't change the world without getting your hands dirty."
    -- Lelouch Lamperouge, Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion
    "Do I have a stamp on my forehead that says, 'The National Spokesperson for the Plight of Black People'? How the hell should I know the black perspective on The Color Purple? That's it, if I don't change classes, I'm gonna hurt this fool. Teachers treat me like I'm some kind of Rosetta stone for African-Americans. What? Black people learn how to read, and we all miraculously come to the same conclusion?"
    -- Victoria, Freedom Writers
    "N's heart is pure and innocent. But there is nothing more beautiful and terrifying than innocence."
    -- Concordia, Pokémon Black/White 2

  3. #18
    Child of the Atom Hellion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    Thank you AE and thanks also to all who commented. I'll update the next chapter a week from now so it would really help me, if you have any comments or suggestions to improve the story.

    - - - - -

    The long awaited (well for Yoshi anyway) Chapter 4 is finally here. Will Koga and Surge get together? Will Itera wreck their star-crossed romance? No... wrong fic :D Anyway, every burning question you may (or may not) have will be answered. Or not...

    Chapter 4: Fools

    Koga decided to brave the dew filled vernal breeze, meandering through the streets of his still slumbering city. The solitary wanderer stepped through the cottony shroud of morning fog covering Fuchsia City. A scarf around his neck and a knot in his stomach, his heavy steps resonated on the concrete sidewalks. His heavy steps echoed his heavy heart. Without a purpose, without a destination, he wandered alone taking in the familiar sights around him. Down every street laid the memory of a childhood friend. In a park, under a blooming cherry tree, resided the souvenir of his first kiss. On every corner, he could almost hear echoes of children’s laughter. Yet, there was nothing to make the man smile. He hadn’t smiled since the man he loved had left him a year ago. The distraught gym leader shook his head, trying to push the lingering memories of their night together out of his mind.

    “Has it really been a year since he left?” thought Koga as he stuffed his freezing hands in his pockets knowing all too well the answer to that question.

    The dying streetlamps and the rising clamor of the nearby marketplace slowly let him know that the day had begun. Soon the streets were flooded by anonymous passer-bys and Koga felt more and more transported by the awakening city’s steady beat. As the pale sunlight dissipated the lazy remnants of the morning mist, the gym leader entered the market hoping to lose his thoughts and sorrows in the crowd. Surrounded by the smell of curry and the aroma of exotic fruits, Koga closed his eyes and was instantly transported to the far corners of the world, far away from the city where every sight reminded him of the love he had lost. He could see the tropical islands, the snowy mountains and the endless amber ocean of wheat fields. He felt at ease, if only for a short moment, a fleeting instant, he felt relieved.

    As he opened his eyes again, his entire nightmare came rushing back to him as he laid his eye upon a tall blond man hiding blue eyes behind opaque sunglasses. Koga felt paralyzed and completely helpless. He couldn’t take his eyes off of the man who had broken his heart 365 mornings ago.

    “Sur… Surge?” stammered Koga.

    “Hey Koga,” awkwardly said Surge, “It’s been a while. Missed m…”

    Surge never had the chance to finish his question as Koga punched him hard, as if he had channeled all of his anger and pain into is right fist. Surge stumbled in recoil and fell down on the street. As he looked up, he saw Koga standing over him with tears streaming down his face.

    “Stay away from me and Janine,” yelled Koga before sprinting away from the market. As he ran, he could hear Surge’s pleading voice calling out to him but he tuned it out. He didn’t want to hear that voice or see the camouflage gear clad man.

    “Why did he have to come back?” thought Koga, “Why now?”

    Koga continued to run. He desperately wanted to put as much distance between him and Surge as he could. After he was sure he wasn’t followed, Koga slowed down and stopped. Trying to catch his breath, he looked up and realized he was standing in front of the city’s cemetery. He made his way between the moss-covered tombstones to his deceased wife’s final resting place. He let his fingers touch the pictograms that made up her name.

    “I know Janine and I only came yesterday,” softly said Koga, “But something’s happened. He’s back. The man I talked to you about, Surge is back. When I saw him in the marketplace just standing there, with an idiotic smile on his face, I lost it.”

    Koga rubbed his right fist, still a bit sore from hitting Surge.

    “It was like, to him, nothing had happened,” continued Koga, “like the last year was only a dream. I don’t know if I should be happy or angry to see him. I don’t know if I even want to see him.”

    Koga rose up and wiped the tears on his face. Talking out loud made him realize that he still had feelings for Surge,that the anger and the desire, the pain and the longing, everything he felt meant he still loved Surge. Not knowing what to do, he left the cemetery and made his way towards his gym.

    There, outside the building he recognized a familiar silhouette leaning against the wall. When he noticed the gym leader approaching, Surge immediately ran to meet him.

    “Koga, please just let me explain,” pleaded Surge.

    “Explain what?” barked back Koga as he removed his shoes and entered the gym, quickly followed by Surge, “Let me guess, you want to explain why you left without saying a word to me.”

    “Yes I do,” replied Surge, “I…”

    But his answer was soon interrupted by Koga’s laughter.

    “You want to explain why you left?” rhetorically asked Koga, “Well go ahead. Explain to me why I waited a full day in bed unable to move thinking this was just a joke. After all, you left on April 1rst. I kept telling myself you were going to come back that night and we would laugh about it. Explain to me why I had to convince my daughter she wasn’t the reason you’d gone away just to get her to stop crying. Explain to me why it broke my heart to go to bed at night because your smell still lingered in the sheets. Explain to me why every morning I expected some news that never came, some sign you were even still alive. If you have something that can explain all of those then go right ahead.”

    Surge stood speechless in the middle of the house he’d once shared with Koga and Janine. The tearing gym leader broke the silence first.

    “Go ahead, you wanted to say something then say it,” yelled Koga, “Don’t just stand there. Say something. Use all of the clichés that never really mean anything. Tell me you weren’t ready. Tell me it wasn’t me, it was you. Tell me anything, lie to me, just don’t tell it’s my fault. Please don’t tell me it’s my fault.”

    “It was you,” said Surge, “You’re the reason I left.”

    Koga’s eyes shot open as he fell to his knees. The one thing he feared most was that he was the reason Surge had left Fuchsia, that he wasn’t good enough.

    “Koga, I lived with you for months and the one thing that struck me was how strong you are,” continued Surge in a soft voice, “As a trainer, as a father, as a gym leader, you have this aura of calm and quiet strength about you. When you get close to a strong will like this, it’s easy to be swept away, to lose yourself in it. Had I stayed, I would have always turned to you for strength, for comfort, for everything. I left because you deserved more than just being my life buoy. I wanted to give you more, to become the kind of man you could truly be proud of, the kind of man you could truly love. So I swore myself I would only come back here when I would have become that man.”

    Koga lifted his head and looked in Surge’s eyes. As he rose to his feet, the gym leader felt somewhat uneasy. He didn’t know what to make of the other man’s words.

    “Why didn’t…. why didn’t you tell me that?” asked a confused and stammering Koga, “and you’re… you’re back. What does that mean?”

    “After that night, I knew if I talked to you again,” said Surge, “I wouldn’t have the strength to leave you. Every day I wanted to call you, to speak with you, to tell you everything. I must have written hundreds of letters I never sent.”

    “But you didn’t,” bitterly said Koga.

    Both men stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, neither really knowing what to say.

    “I worked hard to find the strength to move on,” said Surge, “to become a better trainer too. I didn’t just want to be with you, I wanted to be like you. Now I am.”

    “What do you mean?” asked Koga.

    “A few days ago the Vermilion City gym leader was promoted to the Elite 4 and he recommended me to be his successor”, said Surge. “It hasn’t been announced yet. I wanted you to be the first to know.”

    “So you thought you would just waltz back in here and wave your shiny new life around,” sarcastically said an increasingly annoyed Koga.

    “Always the stubborn one, always convinced he’s right about everything,” jokingly said Surge.

    “Well, when you keep messing up and giving me opportunities,” replied Koga, “It’s not hard to be right now is it?”

    “I swear it’s like talking to a brick wall,” said Surge. “Don’t you understand that before I came here, I was a mess? I was just feeling so guilty, ashamed, angry and sad. But you helped me get over most of it. You gave me strength and confidence when I had none. Everything I have today, everything I am is because of you. All I ever wanted to do was catch up to you and be able to stand by your side, not as a student, not as a crazed charity case you were kind enough to take in, not as a failed trainer, but as a man you’d be proud of.”

    “None of that mattered to me,” said Koga.

    “Well it mattered to me,” replied Surge, “it mattered more than anything to me. I wanted this, I mean us, I wanted us to truly work.”

    Surge slowly walked towards Koga and pulled him close to him. Surge’s hand stayed on Koga’s hips and his forehead made contact with the Fuchsia gym leader’s.

    “Will you ever be able to forgive me?” softly asked Surge.

    “I don’t know,” said Koga, “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust you.”

    Just then, Koga tilted his head to the side and passionately kissed Surge.

    “But I want to try,” added Koga as they broke off their embrace, “I love you too much not to.”

    As if time stood still, both stayed in each other’s arms in silence, basking in the afterglow of their reunion. Neither knew what the future had in store for them, but they knew that for now, they were happy.

    FIN


    - - - - -

    Anyway, hope you like it. I personally think it's a bit too mushy and cheesy... but perhaps that's solely the perfectionist in me... Anyway, as always, reviews and comments are welcomed.
    Last edited by Hellion; 17th November 2010 at 10:28 PM.

  4. #19
    All of the bara Yoshi-san's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER

    Awwww! I really liked it! I'm so glad Surge came back!

    You're a really good writer Gible! Even though you think it's cheesy, the story is great!

  5. #20
    Ima fangirl! XD Typhlosionfan157's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!*cries* th- thats th- the best thing i- i ever READ! (is crying about mainly chap 2-3, no seariusly i am crying... god im such a girl always, letting the emoninal stuff get to me... like the Lion King, ya'know, when simbas crying out for help as his father lays there never going to get up again, and as no one will come to help simba eaither...) that might have been "cheesey" for other people and well me A BIT but mostly i thought it fit just right, man your one of the best writers iv seen, and this is one of the best writed pecis iv seen, because iv only cryied once while reading before, (warrior cats, when graysrtipe is crying for silverstreem to not die... ) i give it 2 thumbs up... FOR SURE!!!!
    I CLAIM TYPHLOSION!!!!!!

    Kookaburra sits on a rusty nail
    Gets a boo-boo in his tail
    Cry, Kookaburra! Cry, kookaburra!
    Oh how life can be!
    Kookaburra sits on the electric wire
    Jumping up and down with his tail on fire
    Ouch, Kookaburra, ouch!
    Kookaburra, hot your tail must be!

    Poor Kookaburra

  6. #21
    Child of the Atom Hellion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Poisonous Scars (PG-13 ToxicBolt Shipping)

    Quote Originally Posted by yoshi12370 View Post
    Awwww! I really liked it! I'm so glad Surge came back!
    Rereading Chapter 4, I almost feel like I should have ended it after Chapter 3 and leave it at that... I don't know... I don't really like Chapter 4 :D.

    You're a really good writer Gible!
    Well if you need me to write a fic for another intersting shi... oh who am I kidding, I've seen your list of ships and there's not a whole lot of interesting going on there... ;P

    Quote Originally Posted by Typhlosionfan157 View Post
    WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!*cries* th- thats th- the best thing i- i ever READ! (is crying about mainly chap 2-3, no seariusly i am crying... god im such a girl always, letting the emoninal stuff get to me... like the Lion King, ya'know, when simbas crying out for help as his father lays there never going to get up again, and as no one will come to help simba eaither...) that might have been "cheesey" for other people and well me A BIT but mostly i thought it fit just right, man your one of the best writers iv seen, and this is one of the best writed pecis iv seen, because iv only cryied once while reading before, (warrior cats, when graysrtipe is crying for silverstreem to not die... ) i give it 2 thumbs up... FOR SURE!!!!
    Thanks! Not sure the fic is as good as you make it out to be but still thank you!

    Anyway, for those of you who have liked it, my next project won't be as ship heavy and will revolve around other characters (or maybe not exactly...) so look it up!

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