One Will Fall - PG-13 for violence and gore

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  1. #1
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    Default One Will Fall - PG-13 for violence and gore

    Here we go... some people may have seen this fic before but not many it's never been posted here and I want to see the response I get.
    Before I get into it though I have one request...
    Please please please tell me if there are major problems I want to know what's crap about this. The only way to improve my writing is to have it criticised so I'm asking you now, don't hold back!

    Taking a leaf out of Damian's book:

    Just a few procedures beforehand...

    WARNING: This is a fic about war so there *is* violence, gore and death involved.

    It's a futuristic tale with absolutely no reference whatsoever to the anime series apart from the pokemon themselves.

    This fic was written before R/S so there are currently no R/S pokemon I may change that as I go through and do yet another edit on the chapters.

    There shouldn't be massive delays in chapter posting except if I find that my previous writing is absolute crap and try for a complete rewrite.

    Prologue
    Chapter 1
    Last edited by Kinglerlord2; 6th May 2003 at 02:31 AM.
    Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Go down there and light the bloody thing yourself!


    WEASLEY IS OUR KINGLER!

  2. #2
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    Default Prologue

    So it starts... remember I wanna hear that criticism!!
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Prologue

    Khelkar Forest - Rhigardd Province

    “Don’t wander too far David.”
    Sella watched his son scramble excitedly into the edge of the forest. The young mage smiled and shook his head as the boy disappeared from view. That boy has too much energy; he will be a very rowdy mage.
    Turning back to his work, he examined the two plants before him. Being a mage of the Earth Guild, Sella was responsible for maintaining stability in the fields and forests of the land and for the care and control of grass, bug, ground and rock type pokemon. One of the tasks required of an earth mage, and one, which Sella enjoyed thoroughly, was the research and development of new plant hybrids.

    Sella had discovered that magically reducing the potency of a Vileplume’s stunspore, and mixing it with the juices of the sweet scented Kitha flower, produced a liquid that stimulated some species of flower to produce an abundance of pollen. This allowed mages like Sella to perform the crossbreeding of plants in a much easier and less harmful fashion than was previously possible.
    Carefully, Sella began coaxing the magical energy through his hands and slowly transferred the pollen from one plant to the other. This was a delicate procedure and if he messed up, there was a high risk that both plants would be damaged.

    A drop of sweat trickled down the bridge of his nose and settled at the tip, tickling as it hung there. Sella did his best to ignore it and continued with his work.
    As he approached the end of the pollination stage, his work was abruptly cut off by the scream of a young boy. As soon as his concentration broke, Sella felt the pain radiate from the damaged plants.
    “Sorry my friends.” He said, scrambling to his feet. He made a mad dash for the forest, panic filling his heart.

    “David!” He cried, adrenaline pushing him faster through the thick underbrush of the forest.
    By the grand mages, let him be alright!
    Suddenly, he burst into a small clearing and caught a glimpse of his son before he tripped and found himself airborne. Sella twisted in midair so that he landed on his shoulder and turned it into a roll. The roll was abruptly cut short when he hit a tree, winding him. His head snapped up and he saw his son, white as a Dewgong’s coat, his wide blue eyes fixated on an object outside of Sella’s current line of vision.

    Sella got groggily to his feet and slowly walked over to David.
    “David, don’t scare me like that.” He said to his son whose face hadn’t moved. “I thought something had happened to you, what made you scream like-” He stopped as he saw the answer. Lying face down in the moist foliage of the forest was the body of a man. In the back of his head was a small wound.
    No mistaking the mark of a bullet. There must have been a technologist here. He knelt down beside the body who was draped in olive green robes.
    One of the Earth guild mages. He carefully rolled the body over and stumbled back quickly. The face was of an elderly man, clean-shaven with a high domed forehead and wispy white hair that was beginning to thin. On the belt at the mage’s waist was the symbol of a high-ranking mage.
    “High Mage Gilvan! Oh geez how did they manage that?” Sella turned to scan the tree branches and caught the eye of a Pidgeotto who flew down and landed gently on his shoulder. Swiftly he wrote a message and attached it to the pokemon’s leg. He fed the bird a small piece of meat.
    “Go swiftly my friend, to the council meeting hall! A great injustice has been done today.” The bird took flight and flew up through the canopy of the forest.

    Sella turned back to the body. He cast a preservation spell to keep the body in its current state for examination.
    It’s still warm, that means the technologist responsible may still be nearby. If we stay, David maybe in danger, but we can’t leave, we need to be here when the Mages arrive.

    “Daddy?” Sella turned to the small boy behind him. He stood and turned the boy away from the body guiding him back to the field. “What happened?” David sniffled.
    “A technologist killed High Mage Gilvan.” Sella growled.
    “What’s going to happen now?” The child asked innocently.
    Sella looked down at the child and placed a hand on his curly brown hair. “I don’t know David, I don’t know.”

    In heart though, Sella knew perfectly well. The technologists were the portion of the population that, after the great war, still had not learned that technology brought about death and destruction. They ignored all that the Magiks argued about returning the world to its natural self and being one with it through magic. The Great War had happened centuries earlier, and almost every city on the planet had been obliterated. After this tragedy, some discovered that they were attuned to the magical forces of nature and so began the four guilds of the Magiks, Earth, Water, Air and Fire. However, others wanted to return to the old ways and began rebuilding massive cities and developing the death bringing technology all over again. There had been increasing tension over the past decade about land usage, the technologists wished to use it to support their rapidly growing population but the Magiks wished to keep it natural and unharmed by technology.

    This incident with High Mage Gilvan will push the council over the edge. I just hope, he thought gazing at his son, that when the war moves into full swing you will be old enough to defend yourself.
    Last edited by Kinglerlord2; 6th May 2003 at 02:29 AM.
    Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Go down there and light the bloody thing yourself!


    WEASLEY IS OUR KINGLER!

  3. #3
    Goronda Type Vice-Webmaster Evil Figment's Avatar Vice-Webmaster
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    Plot-wise, this is extremely good, and I can't wait to see more.
    However, I'd have to say it seems to me that there's some room for improvement on the writing style - a few place where the word choices grows repetitive, or sentences should be merged together, etc.

    All in all though, I believe a good re-read and edit aiming to improve the flow of the story should be all that's needed.

    Great story all the same :)
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    Sooooo...watch out!
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  4. #4
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    I've read this twice before, and I think you've tweaked it, because it seems better than before. Still a little rough around the edges, but improved and I like it ^_^ Or I could just be imagining things, but it doesn't change the fact that I enjoyed it ^^

  5. #5
    Mr. Spandex Fuzzyfeathers Jarreddo's Avatar
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    Eh, am I the only one who hasn't read this before? Oh well.

    I think it's great so far, I didn't notice any problems that B did, but that could just be me. Sorry, I'm not good at criticism, I'm not picky at all. ^_^;

    Only problem I noticed was that it's short, but it IS just a prologue. So long as the actual chapters are longer, it's perfectly fine.
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  6. #6
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    *blinkity* I posted that prologue in January.... I'd completely forgotten that I'd posted this ^^;;; well now I feel like an idiot.

    B: finally! some criticism! Thank you!

    T: I dunno why you like it... but then i really am very hard on myself.

    Jarreddo: You revived it o.O yeah, the prologue *is* pretty short... I think the chapters get longer... eventually ^^;;

    er... alright then... I might look at chapter 1 and do some fixing and then post...
    Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Go down there and light the bloody thing yourself!


    WEASLEY IS OUR KINGLER!

  7. #7
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    Default Chapter 1

    Mrrr.... I really want to rewrite this entire damn story but it's harder than I thought, this is the old chapter, slightly altered but pretty much the same, I think i may have missed some grammar errors.

    -----------------------------------------------
    Chapter 1 – Inner workings

    Tyerra City

    Seventeen year old Thomas Freyling stared at the blank wall at the front of the small training room with anticipation as the military instructor fiddled with the imager. Thomas was a final year trainee at the Military academy in Tyerra, a city of the Allied Military of Post Holocaust Emergent Colonies or AMPHEC, the true heirs to the planet.

    The footage about to be shown was of members of the Magiks, as they called themselves, using their powers in skirmish. He had seen a lot of footage of this type, but he never grew tired of it, it never ceased to amaze him how the mages could control the elements like they could. Most of the other trainees sat back, bored of seeing the same thing over and over again. To them, it was just an obstacle in their fighting path, but to Thomas, it was almost as if it called to him.

    The instructor, Kolton Glin, straightened up, a burly man with blonde hair slicked back and a bushy moustache covering his upper lip drooping down either side of his mouth. He addressed the twenty-eight trainees present.
    “Alright squad, we are going to watch a small clip of a Mage in action. The Magiks as you know are considered a threat to us because of their use of heathen abilities against us. So far we have avoided an official war with them but no doubt you’ve all heard the rumours that the Magiks are planning to attack our cities, if these turn out to be true I guarantee you that the top brass will not sit back. In a matter of months, you will be joining the ranks of the soldiers who will most likely be the first to fight if war cannot be avoided.” He turned to the imager. “I want you all to pay close attention to the Mage in this clip and decide for yourself how you would approach this situation.”

    He pushed a button on the keypad and the footage began. The footage had been taken from a scout tank whose job was to speed ahead and locate any threats, and also to record such events for the purposes that the footage was now being used for.

    A young man in brown robes, stood defiant in the battlefield. An Earth guild mage. Thomas thought to himself, immediately recognising the robes. He had secretly done much research on the mages of the five guilds, using his superior computer skills to hack past security systems in place to prevent the spread of the knowledge stored. He had learned that while AMPHEC had won many victories, the Magiks weren’t exactly harmless. Figures of recent skirmishes showed that the Magiks had won forty five percent of the confrontations meaning that they were almost a match for AMPHEC.

    Turning back to the footage he watched a battle tank charge at full speed at the mage, the driver obviously looking to squash the man beneath the large tracks of the vehicle. Thomas shook his head, if people did the kind of research that he did on the mages they would realise that attacking an Earth guild mage on the ground was suicidal. He watched the tank intently, waiting for the strike. He saw some of the other students lean forward in anticipation of seeing a mage get squashed. But just as Thomas had predicted, the tank never got there.
    Two large Onix’s burst from beneath the tank and sent it skyward making it flip a few times in the air before landing upside down as a heap of scrap metal.

    Coming into view at the edge of the screen was a group of five stingers, the common airforce jet used by the military.
    The stinger was made up of a slender body, moving to a point at the nose with wings extended out the sides a few feet and then curved downwards doubling up as landing gear.

    Thomas watched with anticipation as the fighters moved in. Attacking by air was a better tactic for dealing with the Earth guild but Thomas knew that the mage wouldn’t go without a fight.

    As the stingers drew closer, weaving through the two Onixs, a large pillar of earth suddenly sprang from the battlefield hitting a stinger from beneath and getting in the flight path of a second causing it to plough into the pillar. The second stinger had barely hit when a huge creature exploded from the pillar and grabbed a third stinger in its mouth. It was a Steelix, one of the biggest that Thomas had ever seen or heard of. It swung its head around to knock a fourth out of the sky but was too slow. The fourth and fifth stingers managed to open up with a rain of bullets raking them up and across the mage’s body. Kolton stopped the footage as the Steelix made another lunge at the remaining stingers.

    “Comments? Suggestions? Anything you would have done differently?” He asked the group.
    A stocky youth in the front stuck his hand up. Jason Trian the cocky member of the squad who believed he was the most knowledgeable even though Thomas had shown him up many times.
    “I would have substituted the stingers for bombers or perhaps attacked at a higher altitude with the stingers. But first I would have sent about 5 tanks in.”

    “Five tanks against a mage of the earth?” Thomas asked sceptically.
    Kolton looked curiously at him. “You have a better strategy?”
    Thomas stood up. “You saw what the mage did to those stingers by raising that pillar of earth. Imagine a tank under one of those. Jason is correct that a high altitude bombing run would be effective but he’s forgotten one crucial element.”
    Jason stood defiantly. “What’s that, you Magik sympathiser?” he spat.

    Thomas ignored the attempted insult. “The Earth mage would not be alone. It is common knowledge that in the event of a battle there is at least one mage of each guild present as well as apprentices. If you choose your high altitude bombing run, on a lone mage, the bombers are centred on one target and a mage of the Air guild could easily finish them off without a second thought. Air guild mages are the toughest to fight as they have control over the weather. Equally dangerous however is a mage of the water guild because they are responsible for most of the dragons. Imagine flying one of those slow bombers when a Dragonite, with its incredible speed appears out of nowhere and fires a hyperbeam at you. You’d be dead pretty quick.”

    “So what do you suggest should be done Mr. Freyling?” Kolton stared expectantly at him.
    Thomas indicated to the screen. “In that situation I would have called back the tank immediately and sent in twice as many stingers. The more stingers there are the more targets there are for the Steelix to go for which could confuse it. But aside from the tank, what played out there was perfectly acceptable, two of the five got through, killed the mage and survived.”
    The instructor turned and hit the play button again. The Steelix finished its lunge and managed to catch one stinger in its mouth and slam the other one with its head.
    Jason sneered at Thomas.

    “Never the less.” Kolton said, stopping the footage again. “Thomas is right. When in a skirmish against the Magiks, you must assume that members of all the guilds will be there, including the High guild. Steel types fall under the responsibility of the high guild so the Steelix in this battle is evidence that even the high guild gets itself involved in the battles.”

    “Uh, not necessarily sir.” Thomas added, somewhat afraid of the response.
    “You have another theory Mr. Freyling?”
    “Not necessarily a theory sir but I have read that the guilds are not solely in charge of specific types as you are suggesting. They are required to focus on the types relevant to their guild but they are entitled to befriend whatever pokemon they like. And besides that the some pokemon would fight for their own sense of pride and purpose.”

    Kolton sat up in surprise. He raised an eyebrow at Thomas then noticed the rest of the squad was anticipating an outburst.
    “Some interesting ideas you have there Mr Freyling. Squad, head down to the gym and begin some hand to hand combat routines while I discuss a few things with Mr. Freyling here.
    The squad filed out of the room leaving Thomas with the burly instructor.

    The large man eyed Thomas for a moment as if sizing him up. “Where did you learn so much about the Magiks boy?”
    “I’ve read a lot sir.” He answered truthfully.
    “Read what?”
    Thomas hesitated. “I’d…rather not say sir.”
    Kolton sighed and nodded, his entire demeanour changed. “I thought so.” He walked to his computer and inserted a chip. “You know, you aren’t the first to hack into the files concerning the Magiks.”
    Thomas tried to hide the shock but failed.
    “I really should report this straight away.” He pulled the chip from his computer and handed it to Thomas. “But, like you I am a Magik sympathiser.” He indicated to the chip. “There’s some more reading for you; stuff that you wouldn’t be able to hack into.”

    Thomas stared at the chip in disbelief. He looked up at Kolton his mind racing with questions he wanted to ask.
    “You want to know why I do this if I’m a sympathiser?” Kolton leaned against his desk. “Much the same reason that you’re here I guess. I want a chance to get on the battlefield and witness the magic first hand. Of course being an instructor I get very little chance to do that. Just so you’re aware, that crap about the Magiks preparing to attack our cities is just that, crap. However certain things have happened in the last few days and I think I can say with absolute certainty that war is on the way.”
    Thomas’s head snapped up. “So there’s definitely going to be a war? But if AMPHEC throws the entire might of its army against them, the Magiks won’t stand a chance!” He suddenly felt very weak.
    Kolton nodded. “I know, but there’s nothing we can do. The tension between us and them is too great now for anything else to be feasible.”

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Well... it could be a lot worse, it still bites immense amounts of bum though.

    -----------------------------------------------
    Last edited by Kinglerlord2; 6th May 2003 at 02:31 AM.

  8. #8
    Mr. Spandex Fuzzyfeathers Jarreddo's Avatar
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    Wow, that was cool. Definitely doesn't bite any bum whatsoever, unless it's rabid and a hobo tries to get change from it.

    I like the alternation between sides, and the misunderstandings of both, plus the sympathisers. I wonder if there are any Mages who sympathise with technologists...? Thomas is pretty cool so far, also.

    Hmmm... Criticism... Yeah, I can think of a little, actually. First of all, it's a little bit short... The length's a bit awkward, really. When I rewrote my 'fic, I combined some chapters, because they were REALLY short. But this one's a little long for that, the chapters might end up a tad long-winded. So I guess it's up to you, then...

    Alright, and then... I feel the first paragraph needs a little extension. Feels kinda like you're rushing through the setting and hurrying forwards to the parts with real action... I think a little more explanation could help, maybe expand on that last sentence? Just saying that they're the "true heirs to the planet" bothers me a little somehow, perhaps some actual reasoning behind it would help. I dunno, just my thoughts. ^_^;;

    ...Well, that's all I can think of. Except for that little bit in the beginning, it's great. Really great. I can't wait for the plot to really get going.
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  9. #9
    Virus equals very yes Kinglerlord2's Avatar
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    *sob* real criticism! i'm so happy i could cry!

    thanks heaps mate, you have no idea how much that helps!

    *word counts chapter 1* 1743 words
    *word counts chapter 2 (not posted yet)* 1666 words... hmmm... i might try adding some more stuff in... if i remember correctly, i wasn't very impressed with chapter 2 anyway
    but eventually the chapters start breaching 2000 words, still not heaps i know but i'll try to improve it.

    *saves criticism to hard drive*

    next chapter soon.... hopefully, Zelda comes out on Friday here and i've got one on pre-order... I might not surface for a week or so ;)
    Don't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Go down there and light the bloody thing yourself!


    WEASLEY IS OUR KINGLER!

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