:P I am glad you liked that one! Does anyone else have any feedback?
Also, as I will be posting "A Sunken Ship" on here soon, does anyone want to be on the mailing list for that?
Alright so I finished reading your story.
In the beginning, it was much more interesting but as the story continued, it became repetitive and less realistic. I enjoyed your setting and how you started to get the story ready.
However, my main problem with your story is that there's too much OOC-ness that goes on for much too long. For almost every chapter, Misty and Dawn's rivalry for Ash was completely out of league for romantic rivalry. Misty, even when it came to girls who liked Ash, would never do as the Misty in this story and in reality, she wouldve made it clear that she likes him although denying it.
Dawn was also out of character, being that she and Ash are much alike and isn't the type to know if she were feeling emotions of being in love.
Staryu and Gyrados saying their names rather than what they say. Gyrados roars and Staryu sounds like a crazy Asian ninja lol.
During the battle, there were some lack of understanding of strengths and weaknesses. Being that Mamoswine is an ice type, Misty wouldve more than likely focused on using fire attacks against him rather than taking a chance by keep throwing out hyper beams.
For the most part, your grammar was okay but your use of forward with an 's' was purposeless and took away from the moment... And be careful with using repeating same words over and over for the same purpose.
I did like your story a lot. From my criticism, you'd probably think differently but I was excited to see what would happen.
Your setting was perfect... And your characterization for TRio and Waterflower sisters were perfect.
The ending was funny with Nurse Joy taking away the dinner tickets from them.
I thought that Dawn wouldve been smart by just taking Brock with her to dinner and just joining Misty's dinner date... Lol...
The first three chapters were easily imagined to actually be an episode of Pokemon, very realistic...
Besides the things mentioned above, here are some things to improve on:
• Try writing your characterizations where it's not so much flat and the audience only knows what's going on from the outside, but help us to understand what's going on the inside
• Also try finding other words to help the start of your "descriptions"
• Always remember emotions are always as important as the action going on outside. Much more can be said by what's hinted rather than what's done. Such as one of your most powerful written moments was Misty's lack of ability to look Dawn in the eyes.
• Avoid making characters say what fan-shippers say... Dawn, Ash, and Misty are sounded more like fan-shippers than like themselves.
Anyhow, can't wait for the sequel! Could you message me when the sequel is out?!
PS: Could you read my story "Our Destinies Intertwined," it'll also include some pearl-pokeshipping. It's a crossover.
And please review... With constructive criticism and your thoughts on the prologue.
I wasn't trying to do the characters how they are in the anime. It is half shipping story/half parody of a shipping story. I like making things my own, so I wasn't going to follow the correct/original guidelines, if you will, of the original characters. And I wasn't that great at battles when I first wrote this, but I have improved more since then.
Thanks for your views, and I'll read your story if I have the chance or will too
So you don't really care about characterizations?? I guess if it's a parody, that'd make sense but it seemed too serious to be a parody, even a dark-themed parody...
I still liked the story.
Thanks for responding to my review and I hope you enjoy my story.
I do care about characters, and I said it was half parody of a shipping story, so it wasn't meant to be a full parody. I don't want to continue this argument, but if you have anything else to say, feel free to PM or VM me
I loved it! I know I wasn't here for the whole story, but still, its awesome! I'm a Pokeshipper, and I'm looking forward to the sequel. And it looks like the story is in favor of Pearlshipping now. But, that doesn't matter. Although I don't ship Pearlshipping, I still enjoyed this story. Good Luck on the sequel! Oh, and could you notify me when you do post it?
Thanks for the feedback! I have already written the sequel several months ago, so I'll probably start posting it here soon
Great plot,great writeing im looking forwareds to the 2ed one
Thank you very much :) I hope the sequel is as well recieved