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  1. #31
    Let's get funky! Gama's Avatar Former Head Administrator
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Just caught up with this and I have to say, it is still very good.

    Please don't use any kind of formatting to separate the dreams/memories from the reality because I quite like the way they blend into one. The confusion really helps draw you into the story.

    Like before though, I spotted a couple of pieces of tense confusion, I think there were three over chapters 3-5 but I only quoted 2 because I forgot the first one.

    Prinplup had a hard time keeping up with Noah, due to Noah having longer legs, and had to resort to running behind Noah, and he only hoped that Noah doesn’t start running, in which case Prinplup would fall behind and be forgotten about.
    "doesn't" is present tense. It should be past tense - "didn't".

    Noah’s mother has proven many times that her advices always help, and every prediction she made came true. To Noah, she was flawless, the perfect mother. Her mother’s intuition couldn’t be wrong, and if she instructed Noah to go back, then he will
    Same problem here. "has" should be "had" and "will" should be "would".

  2. #32
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Gastly's Mama: Fixed the errors. Glad to see that you're still enjoying the story. As for the memory/reality transition, there won't be any dividers of difference in font, I'll just be making it more clear to the reader, but not Noah, through words.



    6


    Another night. It was the same as all the others before it.

    A week had passed since Noah got out of Mt. Coronet, but he was still in Hearthome City. Whenever he would close his eyes and sleep, he hoped to remember what happened to him.

    But since getting out of Mt. Coronet, the memories had ceased to return to him, and his curiosity forbade him from moving on. He was desperate to find out what happened to him, as well as visit him mom, but both of these tasks would require him going through Mt. Coronet again, which he was against.

    The formation of rocks mocked him from afar whenever he glanced at the horizon. Just looming there, motionless, inviting him in. The temptation was too strong, and the repercussions were too great for Noah.

    This was his seventh day out, and he decided that it was time to find a cure for the state he was in. Only one thing came to his mind; battling. And his decision could not have been picked at a better time, as the person who caused him to pick Piplup was in town.

    Wasaki was a dark skinned boy with short black hair, but his eyes were bright green, and contrasted with his skin perfectly. He wore a normal backpack, a pair of running shoes, a long sleeved white shirt, jeans, and a band that spelled his name on his right wrist.

    Noah hated Wasaki, even though the latter has been nothing but friendly to him. He was the town’s prodigy, the one that everyone had their hopes in, the one that was expected to make Twinleaf a landmark. Ever since he was a child, he excelled at everything he did, and offered help to everyone in need. There was no one in Twinleaf who hated him but Noah.

    It was his newly acquired title of a Pokémon Trainer that angered Noah. Wasaki was very talented, and his Pokémon have proven countless times that they can defeat Noah’s.

    His long awaited rematch has begun, and his win was almost guaranteed. A week of training in Mt. Coronet would surely pay off.

    “Wasaki,” Noah called out as he made himself visible. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

    Noah couldn’t even tell if he had seen Wasaki before getting lost in Mt. Coronet, but that didn’t matter, the battle at hand was all that Noah could think about. The pair was standing opposite each other, with enough room in between for battling. The streets reminded Noah of Jubilife, and how he had a battle with someone whose name he can’t even remember.

    “Hello, Noah,” Wasaki said in the most polite tone. “I’m guessing you want to battle.”

    “You’re right,” Noah grinned. “Are you ready?” Prinplup’s Pokéball was in his hand.

    “Let’s start,” Wasaki said and detached a Pokéball from his belt. “I’ll start with Monferno!”

    A short orange Pokémon appeared. His tail was on fire, though it was natural, and his hands were almost identical to that of a human. He stood on two legs, and had a mane of white hair around his neck. The Pokémon looked like a monkey, and he was ready to battle.

    Noah sent out his Prinplup for the first time in a week, but he was as ready to serve Noah as ever.

    “Mach Punch!” Wasaki said.

    “BubbleBeam!” Noah responded.

    Losing this battle was not an option, and Prinplup knew that. Noah had trusted him with defeating his archenemy, and he put all of his strength in his attack. In the same manner as back in Mt. Coronet, Prinplup started to exhale, but Monferno had delivered a punch that knocked him back a few steps.

    Monferno’s fist was glowing with a light blue color, but it faded after the attack. Prinplup gathered himself once more, and started exhaling. This time, it was faster, and the bubbles hit Monferno before he could execute Wasaki’s next order.

    “BubbleBeam again!” Noah ordered, despite his obliviousness to Monferno’s next attack.

    He wasn’t surprised when Monferno delivered another Mach Punch, this time managing to knock Prinplup onto his back, who immediately got up and attacked, and the bubbles threw Monferno to the ground as well, and like Prinplup, he got up.

    Prinplup stood as proudly and strong as ever, while Monferno started panting, and seemed weak. “One more attack,” Noah teased Wasaki. “You’re going to lose.”

    “Don’t forget that Monferno isn’t my only Pokémon,” Wasaki said. “And based on our previous battles, Prinplup isn’t either. I wonder if your team has changed once again.”

    Noah took that as an insult, as if Wasaki was mocking his abilities to keep a team, his abilities as a trainer, and ordered another BubbleBeam, which Wasaki responded to with one more Mach Punch. The process repeated itself once more, with Monferno landing his attack first, and then Prinplup launching his. It was no surprise when Monferno was knocked out, while Prinplup managed to stand his ground.

    “Send out your next Pokémon,” Noah said. “I’ll beat it as well.”

    It was at this moment that Noah got flashes of his last battle with Wasaki, in which Chimchar defeated Piplup, but the memories were short, vague, and clouded. Noah tried to ignore them, and concetrate on the battle, but they kept repeating themselves.

    He looked back to the battlefield, trying hard to look past these flashes that were hindering his sight and ability to think. “Are you alright?” Wasaki said, but his voice could barely be heard. “Do you want to continue?”

    “I’m fine,” Noah said. “Send out your next Pokémon.”

    Wasaki sighed. “I already did. You seem distracted, there’s obviously something on your mind. I can’t battle you while you’re in this state.”

    Noah began to protest; he wanted to battle, there was no possible way for him to lose, but Wasaki had already returned his Pokémon before Noah could even identify it.

    “I’ll battle you whenever you’re ready,” Wasaki said. “I’ll be here in Hearthome for a few days. I hope your mind is clear by then.”

    Wasaki walked away, and Noah couldn’t understand why he felt like the loser when clearly he wasn’t the one that had given up. He returned Prinplup to his Pokéball, and started walking in no specific direction, which helped the surge of memories clam down.

    He wanted to battle Wasaki, to win, and he was sure he would have had Wasaki not backed down. Noah could only remember two of the battles he had with Wasaki, both of which ended with his loss. He looked up at Mt. Coronet, it was closer now; he must have been going in the direction that led to it, to the edge of Hearthome City. The only thing that kept apart was a fence and a herd of trees.

    The flashes had ceased to attack his mind at that moment, and became one whole memory.

    He couldn’t believe himself. Something about being near Mt. Coronet had returned some of his memories to him. Even though he could remember parts of his battle with Wasaki, it became whole once he was near Mt. Coronet. He wondered what other memories he couldn’t remember; as he was sure that he was able to recall that particular battle.

    It was clear to Noah that if he wanted to remember everything, he would have to go back into Mt. Coronet.

  3. #33
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Nice story

  4. #34
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    yay, next chapter :)
    Ah Noah, you are such an interesting character, wanting to defeat the 'popular kid', wanting to prove yourself, whilst at the same time being quite a, i believe the right word is jerk?
    This is a very well thought out character, with plenty of depth and hidden agendas, and his pokémon, Prinplup, is a great character as well! I missed Prinplup's input in this chapter.
    The battle was good (while it lasted), and having his memories starting to return the closer he got to Mt. Coronet was a inspired addition, almost like returning to the scene of the crime.
    Your great part is intergrating the past with the present seamlessly, which in this chapter was perfect, where in others it seemed a bit muddled. Keep it up! I can't wait to read more!

  5. #35
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by 8th wonder View Post
    Nice story
    Glad to see that you've liked it.

    Quote Originally Posted by some colour no doubt View Post
    yay, next chapter :)
    Ah Noah, you are such an interesting character, wanting to defeat the 'popular kid', wanting to prove yourself, whilst at the same time being quite a, i believe the right word is jerk?
    This is a very well thought out character, with plenty of depth and hidden agendas, and his pokémon, Prinplup, is a great character as well! I missed Prinplup's input in this chapter.
    The battle was good (while it lasted), and having his memories starting to return the closer he got to Mt. Coronet was a inspired addition, almost like returning to the scene of the crime.
    Your great part is intergrating the past with the present seamlessly, which in this chapter was perfect, where in others it seemed a bit muddled. Keep it up! I can't wait to read more!
    Noah is quite the character. But if you go back to the previous chapters, you can see that his other goal is to protect his family as well. And both of these goals translate to him wanting to become stronger.
    Prinplup was absent from this chapter for the sole reason of portraying Noah as the loner who refuses to have any emotional connection with his Pokémon.
    I personally thought that the battle was pretty normal, as I tried to write it as if it is played on the games, with Pokémon taking turns, and Mach Punch getting the priority.
    I'm glad to see that you've liked this chapter, and hopefully all the chapters to come. Thank you for reading and commenting.

  6. #36
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Nice to see his rival, a bit of a Red and Blue relationship I see there, quite nice. I would have liked to have seen a bigger battle (reading KvG you'd know Im a fan of them :P) but it was a nice short and sweet battle. Good to see he is returning to Mt Coronet, Im estatic to see what happens next! How many chapters do you predict this being?

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainer14 View Post
    Nice to see his rival, a bit of a Red and Blue relationship I see there, quite nice. I would have liked to have seen a bigger battle (reading KvG you'd know Im a fan of them :P) but it was a nice short and sweet battle. Good to see he is returning to Mt Coronet, Im estatic to see what happens next! How many chapters do you predict this being?
    Thank you for reading and commenting, and I think it would be hard for me to match the battles in Kris VS Gold. Judging by the pacing, I'd say somewhere between 10-15 overall chapters, as I have yet to decide the distribution of events across chapters.

  8. #38
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Great... You know... Something big happened that led him to that lake.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

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    Default Journey out of Mt. Coronet



    7


    Noah couldn’t comprehend what he just did. He stared at his reflection in the water of the lake he woke up in a week ago. Walking back into Mt. Coronet was the most idiotic thing he could ever do, especially when he needed to move on and get his next Badge.

    Prinplup’s Pokéball was in his hand. Noah felt as if he must send his starter out; the area he was in was lacking without the Pokémon. He became furious at himself; needing a Pokémon was an outlandish idea, and it took him all of his willpower to send Prinplup out.

    The Pokémon formed out of the white light, and shook a little to freshen his body. Echoes of his battle cry could be heard, and the cave they were in was slowly replaced by a Gym in Noah’s mind.

    He was battling Gardenia, and Prinplup had taken Gardenia’s Roserade down with a Peck after Staravia had weakened it. She awarded him the Forest Badge and he got out of the Gym as fast as he could.

    Prinplup could remember the battle as well. He had almost lost in it, but after defeating a Torterra, he was sure that a Roserade shouldn’t be able to defeat him.

    “We battled Wasaki after Gardenia, didn’t we?” Noah said to Prinplup, trying hard to connect with the Pokémon, as it seemed to help his flow of memories. “I remember parts of it, but not all.”

    Prinplup nodded and smiled. This was the first time that Noah had talked directly to him without insulting him or ordering him to use an attack. To Prinplup, this is the only good thing that came out of this experience so far.

    Noah tried hard to remember the complete battle, but he failed. He tried skipping to the next memory, but it was still clouded, so he returned to the battle with Wasaki. If Prinplup was able to help Noah by just his presence, his other Pokémon would surely help as well. And so, Noah grabbed his other three Pokéball and sent the rest of his team out.

    Roselia was a green elegant Pokémon. Covered with a leaf, holding a blue rose in one hand, and a red in the other, she seemed like the most graceful Pokémon ever.

    Beside her was Luxio, a Pokémon that stood on four legs and resembled a lion. His body was half blue and half black, with a couple of yellow rings covering the lower parts of his forelegs. His head was covered with what seemed like a black mane, and his yellow eyes were filled with determination.

    His last Pokémon, Staravia, was a gray bird whose feathers formed to shape a crest on top of his head. He had a long beak and tail, which had a single metal-colored feather amongst the gray ones.

    All three of the Pokémon took on a battle stance, but were surprised to see that no opponents were there to battle, as they were used to only being sent out for battle. Their battle cries and positions brought the memories flooding back through Noah’s mind.

    Prinplup had just defeated Chimchar, and Wasaki’s next Pokémon was a Roselia.

    “Prinplup, return,” Noah withdrew his Pokémon and produced another Pokéball. “Staravia!”

    The Pokémon flapped his wings and rose up to the sky, and awaited Noah’s order. “Wing Attack!” The order came as soon as Roselia acted upon Wasaki’s order.

    Staravia flapped his wings once more, faster, and flew higher than before, stopping Roselia in his tracks. Staravia shrieked, and opened his wings fully. His left wing glowed a bright white color, and he descended into the ground, changing directions just before the ground attacked him, and smashing Roselia with his wing.

    Roselia flew back and rolled on the ground, but not before releasing a purple blotch of liquid onto Staravia, causing him to become poisoned.

    “Good job, Roselia,” Wasaki said to his Pokémon. “It’s only a matter of time now before we win.”

    Noah quickly became furious. He has lost to Wasaki twice already, and losing a third time will make him too embarrassed to even challenge Wasaki again.

    “Don’t become too arrogant!” Noah prepared for his next attack, while Staravia suffered a little from the poison. “Use Wing Attack!”

    Staravia repeated the same steps when preparing for the attack, and the grass underneath him shook with the wind that Staravia created. Roselia acted on Wasaki’s orders, and ran towards Staravia, but the latter was too high to be reached.

    Roselia tried running away from Staravia when he descended, but the bird managed to hit Roselia across the back with his wing, causing the Pokémon to scream out in pain and fall to the ground.

    “Two down,” Noah laughed. “While my Pokémon are all still able to fight.”

    Wasaki returned Roselia to his Pokéball and produced another one. “I guess it’s time for me to tell you not to get too arrogant,” Wasaki said, and Noah’s anger started to rise. “It’s time for Beautifly!”

    The butterfly looked even more elegant than Roselia. She had big blue eyes, small hands and legs, a long proboscis that ended in a curve, and two long antennas. But her most noticeable feature were her wings; they were a mixture of red, yellow and blue, and while flapping them, them became hypnotizing and added to the beauty of the Pokémon.

    “Staravia has the type advantage,” Noah laughed. “She’ll be down in one attack. Wing Attack!”

    Staravia repeated the process, and knocked Beautifly to the ground, but to Noah’s surprise, she managed to get back up.

    “Great job,” Wasaki said. “Now, use Absorb!”

    Beautifly took her opportunity while Staravia was close, and extended her proboscis. Staravia winced at the sting while Beautifly sucked some of his energy away.

    “You won’t be able to win,” Noah reassured himself. “Attack her again!”

    Beautifly managed to withstand another Wing Attack, and absorbed some more energy, but now she was panting, very weak, and just one more attack would surely defeat her.

    But Roselia’s poison kicked in once more, and this time, Staravia fell to the ground, unable to even move his wings.

    “Looks like you underestimated my Pokémon,” Wasaki said. “Send out your next Pokémon.”

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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    good chap.

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  11. #41
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Another great chapter, but a few nitpicks:

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuuketsuki View Post
    “Looks like you underestimated my Pokémon,” Wasaki said. “Send out your next Pokémon.”
    Repeating the word "Pokémon" twice here sounds a little awkward. I don't know what you could do instead but its no big deal

    Also, this is a good battle but I hope that it has some bearing on the story rather than just a battle for a battle's sake.

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  12. #42
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    I can't think of anything to change it...

    But yes, the battle does have a significance to the story. :)

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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Not bad!

  14. #44
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    Default Journey out of Mt. Coronet



    8


    Staravia had been defeated, and Noah lost one Pokémon while Wasaki lost two, Roselia and Chimchar. But the battle wasn’t over, and Noah believed that he could win. He must win, or else he won’t be able to face Wasaki ever again.

    Wasaki had two Pokémon left, while Noah had four. This just reassured him of his win, but Noah couldn’t help but feel helpless. “”I’ll choose Buizel!”

    Buizel was an orange mammal-like Pokémon that had two tails, blue fins on the back of her arm, and a yellow ring around her neck that inflated when she needed to float.

    Buizel took her battle position and let out a cry to indicate that she was ready to take on any opponent. “You’ve already lost a battle,” Noah said. “You better win this time. Use Water Gun!”

    Buizel nodded and exhaled air, ready to fire and drench her opponent, but Beautifly was faster, and managed to land an Absorb before Buizel launched her attack. The single attack managed to defeat the newly caught Buizel, and much to Noah’s anger, Beautifly regained health.

    “Return,” Noah retreated Buizel to her Pokéball, and swore to let her rot in the PC. “Luxio, your turn, use Spark!”

    Luxio didn’t take any time to show off his strength, and ran straight towards Beautifly. His body started crackling, and small sparks of lighting appeared and disappeared rapidly, and as he ran, the ground beneath his paws would be burnt, and black print would remain.

    Beautifly looked in horror as the beast approached her, and she attempted flying out of his way and into the air, but Luxio let out a scream and jumped, smashing his entire body against hers, and sending the both of them tumbling towards the ground.

    The electricity faded away, and Luxio lifted himself up to reveal a defeated Beautifly that was soon retreated by Wasaki.

    “It looks like I’m going to win,” Noah grinned. “Your win streak ends here.” He crossed his arms and tapped his foot, mocking Wasaki with his penetrating stares, knowing that his last Pokémon won’t do him any good.

    “I guess my last Pokémon will have to do all she can,” Wasaki sighed and stared at his last Pokéball. “At least now she knows an attack. Go, Magikarp!”

    The red fish flailed around on the dirt, her white fins knocking her to the air and then back.

    “Spark,” Noah laughed. “Let’s finish this.”

    As predicted, Magikarp was defeated in a single blow. Noah laughed maniacally, as if possessed by some sort of hysterical ghost. This was his first win against Wasaki, after two losses. Had he lost, he would have given up on his goal, and returned to his home, but this win meant much more to him than he could have ever imagined.

    He closed his eyes, and his consciousness returned to the cave. “I remember now,” Noah said. “Had I not defeated Wasaki, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

    Prinplup’s smile turned to a frown; Noah has started seeing the negative side of that battle, even though the positives outweighed them. He wanted to slap Noah, and return some sense into him. That battle was the most crucial in his journey, the only one in which he wanted to prove himself, the only one in which he confirmed that he is strong enough to protect his family.

    The three other Pokémon vanished into their Pokéballs, and Prinplup realized that he was next. It was his only chance to communicate with Noah outside of battle, as he clearly did not want to know what happened next.

    He acted on impulse, and threw his body towards Noah’s, knocking his to the ground and delivering a BubbleBeam attack at point blank. Noah coughed and raised his hands to block the attack, and as a last resort, flung his arms wildly, hoping to knock Prinplup off of him.

    His arm connected with Prinplup’s face, and he managed to throw Prinplup to the ground. “Are you crazy?!” Noah shouted at Prinplup, who stared at him with anger. “You’ve gone too far!”

    Noah approached his Pokémon, and delivered a punch that made it topple over. Prinplup looked up at Noah in confusion, and sadness filled his eye. He was just trying to help Noah, but it had failed. Prinplup was returned to his Pokéball, and Noah dashed towards the exit of the cave, as he had memorized his way when he came back in.

    It was a matter of minutes, and Noah found himself facing a computer in the Pokémon Center. He held Prinplup’s Pokéball in his hand, tightening his grip as he remembered what happened in Mt. Coronet. He didn’t understand why he hesitated, but eventually, Prinplup had left his party, and stayed amongst the ranks of the other Pokémon he deemed as failures.

    Noah stormed out of the Pokémon Center, causing several people to shout as they fell when he knocked them away. He ran towards the trees, and leaned against them as he sat on the grass of Route 208. The sun was setting, and Noah was facing her and she slowly disappeared behind Mt. Coronet, and he was left in the dark, staring at the formation.

    For reasons unexplainable, Noah’s eyes started to well up with tears. Not because he abandoned Prinplup, but because he regretted it. Without realizing it, he had formed a connection with his starter, and now that he was gone, he could feel the weight of it even more.

    An emotional connection with a Pokémon. How could he? He had promised himself not to do it; they are just mere tools of battle, not friends. Noah’s head was buried between his arms, and rested on his knees. He raised it, and looked through his tears.

    The enterance of Mt. Coronet loomed, but it wasn’t inviting; something else was. A young woman, vibrant with colors entered the cave. Noah recognized her as the one he battled and defeated in Jubilife. His curiosity rushed back to him, and against his will, his body got up and walked towards Mt. Coronet.

  15. #45
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    This chapter was informative, but I think it moved a bit too fast for my liking. I would have liked to have seen a bit more of his Pokemon before we jumped into the memory, but hopefully we can see more of them later. Glad to see more of Wasaki :)
    Edit: Wow, posted at the same time of a new chapter! LOL! Anyway, I feel very bad for poor Prinplup. :( It's clear Noah is developing, so I sense we may see Prinplup again soon. And the lady with the Torterra is back! Interesting.... I wonder....

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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