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  1. #16
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    This is an interesting story. I'm rather captivated by the idea of it, with a trainer having lost their memory and trying to remember things. I hope that it will lead to some big aspect, so I look forward to seeing what happens next!
    Noah is rather annoying, so I hope he learns his lesson by the end of the story. Maybe Prinplup could run away? I do prefer it when Pokemon refuse to be abused, as animals don't usually take abuse, but I think Prinplup might have a special reason for staying.
    Look forward to the next part, keep it up :D

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

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    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainer14 View Post
    This is an interesting story. I'm rather captivated by the idea of it, with a trainer having lost their memory and trying to remember things. I hope that it will lead to some big aspect, so I look forward to seeing what happens next!
    Noah is rather annoying, so I hope he learns his lesson by the end of the story. Maybe Prinplup could run away? I do prefer it when Pokemon refuse to be abused, as animals don't usually take abuse, but I think Prinplup might have a special reason for staying.
    Look forward to the next part, keep it up :D
    Thank you. Glad to see that you've liked my story.
    And yes, it is building up to a morality issue (but it won't be an explosive shocking ending).
    Prinplup has his reasons for staying, and I kinda touched on them at the end of chapter 2:
    Prinplup wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if Noah gave up on his dream because he decided to leave him.
    And they will be further elaborated in upcoming chapters, as they go deeper than that. And maybe you will get your wish of Noah changing for the better, as evident by the events of chapter 3, where he finally choose to take the logical way instead of never ever changing his mind, and I meant for the reader to understand that changing your mind to Noah means giving up, and he hates that.

  3. #18
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Journey out of Mt. Coronet



    4


    The walls were too familiar. The air was too tight. Noah was trapped, he couldn’t get out. Prinplup was nowhere to be found. He reached for his other Pokéballs, but he could feel nothing there but his clothes. He looked at his own body. His hands, fingers, legs, his entire body, he was young again.

    Then he opened his eyes. His consciousness was starting to melt with the memories he recalled in his dreams. This particular dream was of when he would be bullied as a child by most of the other boys in Twinleaf. They would shove him into a tight space, and lock him in, and subsequently laugh at his screams for help.

    Noah sighed. Memories of his childhood were pointless; he could remember them all, what he really needed was to remember how he got here. He allowed his head to fall to his right, while his body was motionless on the ground. Prinplup was swimming in the lake where this all started.

    Prinplup jumped out of and back into the lake, and his body looked like an arc. Splashes of water were going up wherever Prinplup entered the lake, and some of the water would flow onto the ground of the cave. Noah was thankful that he had enough distance between him and the lake as to not get wet.

    For some strange reason, the scenery of Prinplup playing in the water gave him joy, as if some gray cloud was drifting away, and the sun was made visible.

    Her rays were drawn and absorbed by Torterra. “Don’t make me launch my attack,” She said. “I don’t want to harm Prinplup.”

    Noah smiled, even though Prinplup was almost completely knocked out of the battle, all it required was just one more hit. “Wrong decision,” Noah grinned. “Prinplup! Use Ice Beam!”

    “One more attack won’t win you the battle, Torterra has managed to withstand all of your attacks so far. It will take at least two more attacks to defeat her.”

    Prinplup mustered the strength to get back up again. His body was weak, trembling, and aching. The pain was overwhelming, but Prinplup wanted to win for Noah. He wasn’t willing to be the cause of yet another trainer losing their dream.

    He opened his beak and gathered all the energy he had. A tiny dot of blue light started forming in the middle of his mouth, and slowly expanded into the size of a Pokéball. Prinplup took a deep breath, causing the ball to minimize to half it’s size.

    And he fired. The ball expanded into a larger size than it ever was during the preparing stage of this attack, and a beam of ice that crackled like lightning tore through the air, and collided with Torterra’s body.

    Torterra shouldn’t have lost. It was mere luck that won Noah that battle. Had Torterra fired her SolarBeam, Prinplup would have surely been crushed.

    A few days after that battle, Noah had reached Floaroma Town, and by then his Starly had become a Staravia, and his Shinx a Luxio. He also deposited his Geodude and Zubat, which he deemed too weak to be in his team.

    A larger splash sound brought him back to reality. Prinplup had been building up speed all along and taking higher dives into the lake. Prinplup emerged once again from under the waters, but instead of jumping out of them and going back in, he swam to the edge and exited the lake. He stood without any kind movement for a few seconds, in which the majority of water he was covered in was shed away.

    “I hope you enjoyed your swim,” Noah said as he got out from under his blankets in the same manner in which Prinplup left the lake. “We have a long way ahead of us.”

    Prinplup joined Noah’s side, and after thirty minutes of trying to return the portable tent to it’s holder, they were walking once again. They entered a new area, which Noah believed to be the right path.

    “This is a new area,” Noah stated the obvious to Prinplup. “And since we were going deeper into Mt. Coronet, this could only mean we are on our way out.”

    His speech seemed to be more of an assurance to himself than to Prinplup. And the Pokémon smiled when he realized it. Noah kept on walking, his pace increasing with time, until he was almost running. He was sure that the way out of this cave was going to be at the end of the road he’s taking.

    Prinplup had a hard time keeping up with Noah, due to Noah having longer legs, and had to resort to running behind Noah, and he only hoped that Noah didn't start running, in which case Prinplup would fall behind and be forgotten about. The idea of getting out of Mt. Coronet consumed all of Noah. There could be no mistake.

    Noah’s mother had proven many times that her advices always help, and every prediction she made came true. To Noah, she was flawless, the perfect mother. Her mother’s intuition couldn’t be wrong, and if she instructed Noah to go back, then he would. There could be no mistake.

    “There could be no mistake.” Noah said between breaths, and stopped.

    There weren’t any mistakes. The light of he exit shined in the far distance. Noah’s face filled with happiness and hope, and he ran towards the exit, while Prinplup had the hardest time catching up to Noah.

    He wished that Noah would stop as soon as he’s through and out into the open, so that he could catch up to him and return to his side. In what seemed to be the worst time, Prinplup tripped on a ledge and rolled onto the ground, sending dust flying and causing most of his body to suffer bruises.

    Prinplup mustered the strength to get back up again, and ran once again towards the light, which Noah had already disappeared into. This was the exit.

    There could be no mistake.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 17th January 2011 at 12:30 AM.

  4. #19
    Chaos in Thunder Shadow Raikou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Cool. I like the fact that hes going back, But how about the exit leading to spearpillar? meaning = TOP!?!

    They should make all quadruple Pokemon ride able along with Gogoat.

  5. #20
    CEO of the Monsters Lugion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    I really like this little character piece you've constructed here, Kyuuketsuki. I'd quite honestly be surprised if it didn't win one of the next awards.

  6. #21
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadow Raikou View Post
    Cool. I like the fact that hes going back, But how about the exit leading to spearpillar? meaning = TOP!?!
    I tink that would be impossible, because he went the opposite way of the snow.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lugion View Post
    I really like this little character piece you've constructed here, Kyuuketsuki. I'd quite honestly be surprised if it didn't win one of the next awards.
    Wow, thank you so much for the compliment. I actually would be surprised if it did win an award, as I started writing it to get rid of my Writer's Block, and it won't be a very long story.

    Next chapter will be posted in a few hours or so.

  7. #22
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Journey out of Mt. Coronet



    5


    There was a bridge, and far across it, another bridge. And even further, the area was dominated by grass and trees, in which wild Pokémon and trainers walked, battled, took care of berries and every other kind of normal activity. The sun shined her rays and illuminated the entire area, warmed the air, and created an aura of safety, tranquility, and peace.

    “Finally,” Noah was relieved, happy, ecstatic that he was out of the place he came to dread. “Route 208, I’ve never been happier to see you.”

    Prinplup was by his side, and he was happy as well, but for Noah. Seeing his trainer with such a smile on his face gave Prinplup more joy than the fact that they were out of the maze people deem to be a prized position of the Sinnoh region.

    Noah walked slower than ever, treasuring every step he takes, admiring the sound of the creaking wood beneath his feet, the running river, the warming breeze, and most of all, the lack of stonewalls.

    “Come back,” His mother had said to him. “Not knowing where to go but moving forward anyway will lead you to get even more lost. Promise me that you’ll come back.”

    “I promise,” Noah said, and for the first time in years, he was genuine. “I will never forget you, mom, I won’t be like all these other trainers, I will be different.”

    She pressed her forehead against his, and they wept in silence as they said their goodbyes. Their tears often blended together and dropped to the wooden floor of their home. Minutes later, she wiped away both of their tears and helped him pack to start his journey.

    “Can I ask you a question?” She said while packing.

    “You’ve already asked one,” Noah chuckled. “But you can ask another, go ahead.”

    She straightened her back after being hunched over his bag, turned around to face her son, and her hair flew around gracefully in the process before settling. “Why do you want to defeat the Champion?” She said and crossed her arms.

    Noah was taken by surprise, and he struggled to find his words. “To become strong,” He said after a few awkward seconds of stuttering. “I want to be able to protect us, to protect whatever is left of our family. You and Adelpha, I want to be able to protect you two, so that no one can ever hurt us.”

    “Noah, you don’t have to prove anything,” She said. “You are strong, and you don’t need to prove that to anyone.”

    “But I don’t want anyone to hurt us ever again,” Noah pleaded. “When dad did what he did, our house was torn, and that is what made Adelpha move out. He tore our family, and I want it to fix it.”

    There was the sound of rocks falling down, and Prinplup pulled at Noah’s shirt, keeping him from falling down the hill. “Thanks,” Noah said and started walking towards the stairs that were placed to his left. “Couldn’t whoever made these stairs have built them directly on the path that everyone must take to get here?” Noah muttered as he hurried towards them, and subsequently ran through the rest of Route 208.

    He went through a Lookout Station that led him to Hearthome City, a beautiful city that seemed to be dedicated to looks. There was a huge dome that was intended for contests, which Noah never understood, as he deemed contests an activity that shouldn’t have been invented at all, and looked at coordinators as failed trainers.

    There was another attraction of not only Hearthome City, but also the entire Sinnoh region, Amity Square. It was a place where trainers can take a stroll with a Pokémon, but the only allowed Pokémon were ones deemed to be “cute” and starters, due to people thinking trainers have a special bond with their first Pokémon.

    Noah hated Hearthome, the only redeeming feature in this city was the fact that it had a Gym, which he has already defeated, but the details were still absent. But in this instant, Noah was happy to see Hearthome, happier than he ever thought he would be for being in a place he detested.

    His first instance was to hurry to the local Poké Mart. He barged in and quickly produced Prinplup’s Pokéball.

    “Welcome!” The cashier on the left said when Noah approached him. “What do you need?”

    Noah ignored the cashier’s unreasonable excitement to work. “I have a broken Pokéball,” Noah said. “I got it with my starter less than a year ago, so I assume the warranty is still valid.”

    “I’d be more than happy to have a look at it,” He smiled. “May I?”

    Noah produced Prinplup’s Pokéball and handed it to the man. He put it under his spyglass and examined it, then felt it with his hands and finally returned it to Noah, much to the latter’s surprise.

    “I’m afraid the damage done is not covered by the warranty,” The man said. “You’re going to-“

    “What do you mean not covered by the warranty?!” Noah was furious. “That Prinplup has been following me around for more than a week, and I need to get him into his Pokéball!”

    “The damage seems intentional, it couldn’t have been caused by any defect in the programming nor by any accidental physical contact. Trainers throw these Pokéball at hard surfaces all the time to send out the Pokémon inside. It couldn’t have been broken by a failed capture either, because when a Pokéball is thrown at a wild Pokémon, it immediately registers the Pokémon to the Pokéball in question, and if the Pokémon breaks out the Pokéball becomes useless as it has already registered the Pokémon, who broke it while trying to break out. You said that it was Prinplup’s Pokéball, which eliminated the chance of that occurrence.”

    Noah stared at the cashier for a few seconds, holding back the urge to punch him. “I didn’t ask you for a lesson on how they work,” He bit his lower lip. “Just fix it!”

    “It is beyond fixing,” The cashier said. “You have to buy a new Pokéball from the cashier next to me.”

    “Fine!”

    “Please come again!”

    Noah looked at the cashier. “Never,” He said before taking a few steps to the right, to the cashier who was almost glued to his colleague. “Hi.” He said with bitterness in his voice.

    “Welcome!” The cashier said. “What do you need?”

    “Did you not hear the conversation I just had?”

    The cashier shook his head, and Noah sighed in frustration. But instead of repeating himself, he settled for buying a few Pokéballs with no other information given. After doing so, and catching Prinplup with a new Pokéball, he exited the Poké Mart and walked to the Pokémon Center, where he healed his party, and prepared to continue his journey towards his goal of defeating the Champion.
    Last edited by Kyuuketsuki; 14th January 2011 at 01:06 PM.

  8. #23
    Moderator AceTrainer14's Avatar Forum Head
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    I'm enjoying this story, but one thing I would suggest would be seperating the dreams/memories/thoughts of his mother into maybe being italicized? It would make it easier to determine when we are going from present to past or dream, as sometimes it seems very sudden.
    I did like the description of coordinators being failed trainers, and the PokeMart conversation both made me laugh. I'm now wondering if he had tried to get rid of Prinplup: I'm excited to see what happens next :D

    ^^^^ The GalacticVerse Bibliography (Thanks to Blazaking for Banner) ^^^^

  9. #24
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by AceTrainer14 View Post
    I'm enjoying this story, but one thing I would suggest would be seperating the dreams/memories/thoughts of his mother into maybe being italicized? It would make it easier to determine when we are going from present to past or dream, as sometimes it seems very sudden.
    I did like the description of coordinators being failed trainers, and the PokeMart conversation both made me laugh. I'm now wondering if he had tried to get rid of Prinplup: I'm excited to see what happens next :D
    Thanks for reading and commenting!

    I don't change the style of the memories because the way I imagine it, Noah just goes there without realising it, and becomes so engulfed in his own memories that he thinks of them as the present, before something snaps him back.

    And Noah thinks of Pokémon as battling objects, which is why he thinks low of coordinators, and why he doesn't want Prinplup out of his Pokéball unless they are in a battle.

    Thanks again for commenting and leaving your feedback!

  10. #25
    The small giant Flaze's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Well, I read all five chapters, and I like this story. I like the character of Noah and I can't wait till he learns that abusing your Pokemon isn't the right thing to do. Also, I wonder what you'll have planned for this story now that they got out of Mt. Coronet, or is it really over?

  11. #26
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by Flame Getsuga Haze View Post
    Well, I read all five chapters, and I like this story. I like the character of Noah and I can't wait till he learns that abusing your Pokemon isn't the right thing to do. Also, I wonder what you'll have planned for this story now that they got out of Mt. Coronet, or is it really over?
    Thank you for reading! I'm glad to see that you've liked the story.
    But no, the story isn't over yet, there is still a gap that he can't remember, and the mystery of how he got into Mt. Coronet in the first place.

  12. #27
    Fanfic Writer some colour no doubt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Finaly I've had the spare time to look at this :)
    It's great, your plot is great, plenty of mystery whilst revealing enough to keep the reader interested, and you have perfected the difficult thing of having multiple POV's without confusing the reader, fantastic.
    Now, to change.
    In chapter 5, i saw this
    Couldn’t however made these stairs built them directly on the path that everyone must take to get here?”
    Should it not be whoever and have built them directly?

    And, coinsiding with Acetrainer, i think you should do something to separate the sequences with his mother and other flashbacks, as sometimes i had to read the section over again as it threw me off abit.

    Do that, and you should be golden :)

    Look forward to the next part, can't wait to see what happens (or would that be what happened? :p) and wait to see if the character changes!
    Last edited by some colour no doubt; 14th January 2011 at 01:25 PM.

  13. #28
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Thank you for reading and commenting on the story.

    I've fixed the mistakes you've pointed out, and I will try to make the transitions from present to memories clearer, as it seems to be a common issue.

    Either way, thank you for reading again, and I hope you like the next few chapters.

  14. #29
    J'ai Envie De Toi AetherX's Avatar Moderator
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    I really like this story. I kind have to, on principle, because my name is Noah, but its good anyways. I really like what you've done with the character, it's an interesting perspective.

    I actually like the way the memories and present times switch off kind of randomly. It's a little confusing but it is a confusing situation for Noah and the writing style portrays that. Looking forward to the next chapter!

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  15. #30
    ◓Gypsy Vanner Horse Kyuuketsuki's Avatar
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    Default Re: Journey out of Mt. Coronet

    Quote Originally Posted by AetherX View Post
    I really like this story. I kind have to, on principle, because my name is Noah, but its good anyways. I really like what you've done with the character, it's an interesting perspective.

    I actually like the way the memories and present times switch off kind of randomly. It's a little confusing but it is a confusing situation for Noah and the writing style portrays that. Looking forward to the next chapter!
    Thanks, glad to see that you've liked my story. The next chapter is almost done.

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