Mop mop mop mop mop I mopped it, and all that's left of love, I've dropped it. It's kept nice and clean while you're gone away. "Gone" isn't necessary in this sentence. Right now it says, "While you are gone away," which doesn't really make sense. Yet another day. I think putting an ellipses (...) would fit at the end of this phrase to give it a more emotional feel, but that's just my opinion. Barry, the cries, the laughs, the sighs, and I don't think the word "and" is necessary here. all because of loves love's demise, I think...so I eat, and I sleep. The second "I" here isn't necessary since you already said "so I eat", but again, if it makes the tune fit better then that's alright. And the sweet complextion complexion
that "That" isn't really necessary here, but if it helps make the tune fit better, it's okay to keep it. the creatures give me, becoming less sincere. And the firm direction , Comma is unnecessary. of the life I'm living is becoming lesser clear. You never told me why you left. And now I stumble and I jest- I think that period before "And" should be a comma.
Love is fearful, It holds you to the wall. I think changing all the periods before the word "Love" to semicolons would be better, but that's an opinion.
Love is spiteful, catches after the fall. What does it catch after the fall?
Love brings joy
, where credits often due. Comma is unnecessary.
I said goodbye to joy when I said goodbye to you. This last line seems a bit too wordy. I think maybe saying "I said goodbye to joy when I said it to you," would fit better, but if the tune fits, then never mind this edit.
Table set. The rooms aglow, a big romatic romantic hue. This line's fine, except I think the punctuation is a little off. How about, "Table set, the rooms aglow - a big romantic hue. The food is nice and all,-despite...where are you? I think "but" would fit better. I cross the dining room, candles glowing, I bottle the emotions still they're showing. I think a comma between "emotions" and "still" would fit. Who's the other person, are they nice? Look at my expression: cold as ice. Tension starts arising, food gets cold, I think a semicolon should replace the comma here. I'm stuck realizing: this is old. I don't think the colon here is necessary; I was taught that you shouldn't put a colon after a verb. What a sorry loser I've turned out to be, all I seem to want is the longing to break free. It's a bit wordy here. I think, "What a sorry loser I've turned out to be, all I want is the longing to be free," would sound better unless the tune proves otherwise. Lifes Life's becoming flat, I'm becoming teary, A semicolon should replace the comma here. that is where I'm at, all in all I'm dreary. Don't be surprised when life turns out to be
, a clumsy old catastrophe and-I don't think the comma here is necessary.
So now, keeping true to the vow,
though not knowing how I've managed to survive in this state. "Though" seems unnecessary. Am I being too tough, am I being a fool, am I being too gruff, breaking a golden rule. I think all the commas should be replaced with question marks, except the last one. The period at the end of the last line should also be a question mark. The line "breaking a golden rule" seems a little wordy...maybe just, "breaking the rules?" Did you ever cry knowing the emotions would subside, This comma should be a question mark, and the following word should be capitalized. did you know that the pain to be here wouldn't abide? Now I'm alone in this house, our house, my house, This comma should be a semicolon. dammit love is blinded by this house. Another sleepless night I sleep with grief This line doesn't really make sense because if it's a sleepless night, how do you sleep with grief? Maybe replacing "sleep" with another word would work., a night alone I should be spending asleep. Do I do what is natural, do I do what is needed, do I do what is pure of heart or regularlly regularly unheeded. I think all these commas should be replaced with semicolons. Did you think that it was a lousy thing to say, as nothing but emotion puts the notion in sway-
But now I'm through.
I said now I'm through.
All and all I'm through! I think replacing all these periods with semicolons would make it more emotional.