Documented Thoughts v1.0
I am not twisted. I'm not messed up. I swear, I'm not. I just sometimes feel the need to come up here, sit down and watch the sunset. Maybe I'll smoke a joint, okay, I will smoke a joint, but it just makes the sunset so much more beautiful. It's in times like this when I just know life's worth something, because all the suffering going on outside is horrendous, I think it's beyond human comprehension to figure out why is everything so damn' depressing.
Or maybe it's just me and I *am* twisted. Who knows?
Even though the surface isn't plain (more like bumpy) I happen to find the roof of my Gym comforting, I would go to the top roof if I could reach it, but from now and on I'll just settle for the small roof under the attic's window. I feel so... I actually don't know how I feel here, it's alone, but at the same time... I don't feel alone. I know it's hard to explain, but I so much would rather be here than inside the Gym. Everything there is grey, and I mean grey as in the color and the enviroment. Everything is just so dull. Everything is so depressing.
See? There I go again.
Well, how would you feel if there were dozens of late aged people coming to your so called "home" to ask for ghost communications and praise their gone beloved ones? Maybe it's the way this place looks, it needs some cleaning. What would you expect of an abandoned-like two hundred years old building? The culture was different then, old people just think it's still the same of when they were raised, and that's not even when they were adults, it's when their parents were adults. There are just so many sanctuaries in my Gym that the only safe place is here.
In case you're wondering I'm not a psychic. People just assume that since I am Matsuba Sakahashi the Ghost Gym Leader I should be some kind of indian sorcerer. I don't communicate with ghosts of people, I just communicate with ghost type pokémon, which by the way, is pretty hard to do. If you're looking for a psychic person go find Natsume, or that Itsuki guy from the new Johto Shittenou. Who is that guy anyway? I don't even know where he came from and he became an elite member? I mean, I understand the fact that Kyou became one too, he was just never gonna make it if they had waited longer, and well, that other blonde gal, I heard she was in for the very first Shittenou, back when Kikuko was the leader of it. And young. But this Itsuki guy... he just came out of nowhere. When am *I* going to be made part of the Shittenou? I've been applying for almost two years now, and they haven't even given me a call. All of a sudden this guy comes up and thinks he can be the best one.
I'd do anything to get out of here. This city is going to kill me if I don't.
"Ghos..." I hear a voice from behind call for me, begging that it's not another old lady asking if she could get some candles to lit up her dead husband's shrine, I turn around to see a Ghos looking at my fingers. That's right, I should've noticed it wasn't a person, it's so familiar to me now when they talk to me I can't tell the difference.
"What is it?" I ask, and I see the pokémon's eyes move from my hand to my face while I take another sip of the joint I have been smoking all this phylosophical time. It's expression isn't really cool, I think this is Okinu-kun, yeah, got those blue eyes I love. I named her Okinu from a rather cool cartoon I used to watch back when I was around six. It was about a ghost hunter that... gah I don't remember, I'm getting a lecture on drugs right now... and the fact that's bothering me is that she never told me what the hell was she calling my name for.
"Cut the crap, tell me why were you calling my name?" I ask and she answers offended. Apparently there's someone knocking at the Gym door. Great. Okinu-kun was just afraid she would scare whoever it was off if she answered. How thoughtful of her.
Maybe she could've done it and so whoever it is would leave me alone.
"Go away Okinu-kun, I'm not gonna answer the door, go and frighten whoever it is, and if he or she's not frightened just say I'm not available at the moment." that should get me some time to finish the joint and see the sun disappear between the trees. Everything is just so damn' beautiful from here. Oh yes, there's wind coming from Kanto, it's warm... I stand up just to feel it in my face, my clothes, my hands, my skin overall. I close my eyes and somehow I've become the lightest person in the world, I feel like a feather.
I open up to look at the sunset, the final rays of sunlight make my eyes twitch, but it's worth it. And then, in a matter of seconds, the wind stops and everything gets a special air of gloomy afternoon. The sky is still red, and the clouds reflect so much light, but the sun is not at sight anymore.
I'd give everything just to freeze this moment, this exact second, where I feel so free, so me.
I just... oh... there's a tear streaming down my cheek.
I guess this is how it feels to be alive for once. I've felt so numb all my life...
If this is being messed up or twisted, I don't ever wanna be fixed.
- Matsuba Sakahashi - July 24th, 7:47 pm - Enjyu City
I don't even know why I'm doing this. I guess I'm just twisted, messed up. I've seen him give me odd looks while on the board meetings, where basically the Shittenou just ramble about everything they can. He still, just seems to be dozed off, like he doesn't really care. Then he looks at me, gets a twitch in the eye, like he's seen something familiar and just discards the thought immediately.
I can understand why he became a Gym Leader, guess he wanted to follow my steps. But Ghosts? I mean, he could've counted some legacy in there too. Legacy? What am I talking about, he was seven. Seven. And now it's been around seventeen years since then. I'm dead to him, dead, what am I doing?
I'll just tell the driver to make a u-turn back to Choju Town, there I'll just go to my Gym, and just stay there for a while maybe take a nap... No, I have to face him, yes, I have to. But what if he just spits in my face...? No, I have to be strong, he'll probably do that anyway, he's in his right to.
I just don't know what to say or do, or how he'll react. Why am I even on this cab? Right, I have to go see him. Matsuba. It's such a pretty name, Reiko chose it for him, I personally wanted to name him Kenji, but Reiko always had the dibs on everything. She was some fine woman too, she didn't have to die though. Because if she hadn't died I wouldn't have gone to the funeral to find Matsuba there and I wouldn't have become a Gym Leader to see him more often, I would have just kept on with my life and would've died without a guilty conscience.
Wait, where is this asshole going? This is certainly not the way to the Enjyu Gym...
"Hey, I said the Enjyu Gym, the Pokémon Gym." he's looking at me through the mirror in front of him, I can only see his eyes but I can tell he's pretty damn' confused. He has got no clue about what anything related to Pokémon is.
"Oh, you mean the big old building with the red and white ball sign?" no, I meant the City Hall, of course I meant that, idiot. I mean, I'm sixtyfour years old and I know what the tiny creatures are, come on-- what the--?? Damn'! You don't have to make such a harsh u-turn! I mean it, these cab drivers are getting more and more violent with the time...
...I remember the day Matsuba was born that I almost got ugly with the cab driver, he was really not caring about Reiko's condition. He just wanted to get there as late as possible, so he could charge me more for the ride. Heh... that was fun...
...I'm such an idiot... what is the use of going down there to meet the son that I abandoned because of a drinking problem? I'm just so full of crap I can't even look at myself anymore, not right now. How could I think I could go see him now, after seventeen years? I'm such an idiot, an idiot... idiot...
I need a drink.
Oh damned I so need a drink right now, I can't believe myself. There are bars everywhere in this city! And heck if I know them, this city isn't good memories. Everyone's coming back to me, Shôji, Ryôji, oh I just so not want to remember that right now... I can't go get a drink after being sober for six years, I can't...
I just need a glass of cold, foamy beer.
Only one won't hurt me, no it won't. No it won't, it won't, I mean, why would one glass hurt me if one glass isn't even enough to get me drunk or anything? It's just one glass of beer, and besides, it's just beer, beer. Beer. Yes, beer. It's not like...
"We're here." Uh? What? Oh... we're here. Uhm, lessee, how much is it? I can't read the numbers from here... damn' thing.
"Oh yeah, thanks, how much is it?" come on, where's my wallet? Oh no... no... no, I didn't forget it back home, wait, here it is. Alright, here's your money, I just have to get out of here.
Whoooo... this building must be at least five stages, I can't see anymore anyway. Okay, here I go. Heeeeeeere I go. Heeeeeeeeeeere.... Oh what the heck... No one's answering, why isn't anybody answering? Just come ooon... I just thought come on! Why won't anyone open the door!? Knocking usually works for me, so just answer the frigging door! Oh... the door is open. Right, I should've known, this is a Gym, every Gym's door is open until ten or unless noone's in. I'm guessing Matsuba is in.
I really need to practice what I'm going to say. I'm going to say... damned, I don't know what I'm going to say. Why are these things so hard? You always have time to plan every little word you must say but at the moment of acting, you just lose it. I hate everything about this. I should not be here. I so should not be here. But I am. So I have to do this. Oh crap, I hate myself...
I swear I just saw a Ghos staring at me and then disappear through the ceiling. This place is creepy, it kind of reminds me of Kikuko's arena at the Shittenou building. Ah..... it was the best for Matsuba that I left. Yeah, it probably was the best for him, Reiko did good at kicking me off until I was sober. I did wrong at thinking she was a feelingless bitch and started drinking twice as much as I used to before that. Of course when I ran out of money I just had to stop and... but that's out of the topic, the topic is, Matsuba was safer not around than around me.
I'm such a bag of scum.
Uh? There's that Ghos again... what is it-- What the heck is it doing? Is it trying to scare me or something? Because that is not working.
"Uhm... is Matsuba here?" idiot, of course he is, and if he is, just don't go see him! It's not the time! See? The Ghos is nodding, he *is* here! Just get out!
"Uhm... uh... nevermind..." I'm just going to walk out of here. He's better off without me now. He was better off without me then, why wouldn't he be now? He doesn't need me. He doesn't need me, I need him.
I need him.
No. I can't just give up like this, I didn't practise this thing incessantly for weeks, maybe months, for nothing. I want to do this, besides, that cab was really expensive. It's gotta be worth something, I need him. I need him.
He just has to know it.
Then we'll see.
"Tell him his father is here, go." I say as I see the Ghos disappear through the ceiling once again.
- Yanagi Sakahashi - July 24th, 7:47 pm - Enjyu City
III - Make a wish
Make a wish huh? I don't know I'd ask for anything... anything but my father coming back. I don't wanna have anything to do with that drunk old man. I actually kind of hate him, correction, I do hate him. I hate the way he shielded in excuses for drinking instead of taking care of me and my mom. It was like we didn't even exist for him. I don't know if I even wanna think about it. Probably not. But this was a good thing, I mean, make a wish, right, I don't have to think about that asshole. And still I continue to think about him... damned. Anyway, I'd wish for peace in the world... fffweheheheh, no, I'm just kidding, maybe I'd wish for an endless plant of marihuana. That would be nice. Okay I'll get to the point, I wish I wasn't myself. I wish I didn't have the life I had and still have, I wish my parents were perfect normal people, I wish the world was a perfect normal world without any defects and everybody was just so happy. A brave new world. Heh, knew it sounded familiar... Maybe.... maybe what I really want is just to be happy and maybe... maybe I depend on others to be happy, even though I enjoy being alone. I have to be together with people not surrounded by them. But that's hard, because noone is normal and noone is perfect at the same time. We all are big bags of scum walking around and thinking for the best. I want to love, to feel that click you feel when you fall in love, I wanna grow up, I wanna have fun....
I wish I had the guts to get a life.
"Who is downstairs? My father?"
"This is unbelievable... you're joking right? You just want me to go down and--"
"Oh god... that... that... I can't even insult him, he's too disgusting..."
I wish I had the guts to get a life.
"I'm going down there."
...and maybe that my father would have loved me...
A wish? Now that's easy. My son. I want my son back, I want him back in my life. If I have something that I can call life. I... I wanna be happy, with him. I want to be there when he graduates and when he... no wait... he already graduated... oh I suck, I suck so hard... I wish I could start over, be good with myt son and my wife, be good to everyone I see in the street. I wish I could just turn back time and have another try, another try at making things right for everybody I hurt. Well, not exactly, I wouldn't regret kicking Shôji's ass for trying to leave Reiko without a house and a family, I mean, I left her without a family but he wanted to... he was going to sell the house and... oh what am I saying? I can't even face that I was the one who left Reiko maybe not without a house but certainly without a home and a family. That was all long gone before Shôji came into play. I just want to mend things. I wish I could make everything right, for their sake... and for mine. I... I want to feel good about myself too, I want to be proud of myself, I want my son to be proud of me, I want to be a good person and live happily, I wish I could turn back time so I could start over. Get my life back....
I wish I had the guts to get a life.
"Okay I'm gonna have a few words with him now.... now.... where the fuck is him? Okinu!! If you were joking about my father I swear I'll kill you! Again! Oki--oh... what the..."
I wish I had the guts to get a life.
"'I'm very sorry Matsuba, I love you ~your Father, the one in the picture'... oh shit... oh no... this... this isn't... Yanagi's my father!?"
...and the chance to learn how to love...
End of Documented Thoughts v1.0